Original subtitles

[ ANIMAL HOWLS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, NO!

NO, DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE, YOU

LADY, YOU!

>> YOU'RE GONNA GET STAKED,

MAMA.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT,

COUNT AFRICAN AMERICULA.

THIS CHICK MUST HAVE NINE LIVES.

[ LAUGHS ]

ONE LIFE! [ LAUGHS ]

TWO LIVES! [ LAUGHS ]

THREE LIVES!

>> Frankenstein: MY HEAD IS

GOING TO EXPLODE IF THEY DON'T

SHUT UP!

>> NOW, NOW, VICTOR.

>> Frankenstein: WHAT IS IT WITH

VAMPIRES THAT THEY HAVE TO

ALWAYS YELL BACK AT MOVIES?

>> IT'S NOT ALWAYS JUST

VAMPIRES.

>> Frankenstein: ALWAYS!

THEY ARE RUINING THE MOVIES!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

"ATTACK OF THE MONSTER

KILLERS 5"?

IT'S GOING TO END JUST LIKE

EVERY OTHER "ATTACK OF THE

MONSTER KILLERS" MOVIE.

EVERYONE WILL --

>> Frankenstein: AAH!

NAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

NAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

* LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA

>> OH, STOP THAT.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, DON'T

TELL ME WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YOU DESERVE THAT, YOU SOGGY

FLAKE!

HOO LA-A-A-A!

>> Frankenstein: THAT IS THE

LAST STRAW.

SHUT UP!

>> WATCH WHO YOU'RE MESSING

WITH, FRANKEN-STUPID-STEIN.

MY FRIEND HERE IS A

SERIAL [cereal] VAMPIRE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I AM COUNT CHOCOLATEY -- PART OF

A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.

MA-AH!

>> Frankenstein: LOOK, I'VE HAD

ENOUGH OF YOU, YOU...

NIGHTWALKERS!

[ ALL GASP ]

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THE "N"

WORD, PAL.

>> YEAH, ONLY WE CAN CALL EACH

OTHER THAT.

>> Frankenstein: YES, WELL...

BE THAT AS IT MAY...

>> WILL YOU PARK YOUR KEISTER,

MEISTER, SO THE FOLKS BEHIND YOU

CAN ENJOY THE FLICKERINO?

>> Frankenstein: YOU WORK HERE?!

>> IS A BEAR CATHOLIC, BRAH?

>> Frankenstein: WELL, I WANT

YOU TO EJECT THESE LOUDMOUTH

VAMPIRES FROM THIS ESTABLISHMENT

THIS INSTANT.

>> NO CAN DO, BROLISSIMO.

MY MOVIE THEATER DOES NOT

DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ANY PAYING

CUSTOMER, REGARDLESS OF RACE,

CREATURE, OR COLOR.

>> Frankenstein: BUT THEY ARE

RUINING THIS MOVIE FOR ME AND MY

WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

LIKE SHE WOULD GO BACK DOWN INTO

THAT BASEMENT.

>> GUESS YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED,

BRAH.

>> YES, AND I,

COUNT ALONGWITHME, WILL COUNT

HOW OUTNUMBERED YOU ARE.

ONE! [ LAUGHS ]

TWO! [ LAUGHS ]

THREE! [ LAUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: THAT DOES IT!

THESE VAMPIRES...

NEED TO DIE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> Frankenstein: JOE, YOU'VE GOT

TO KILL SOME VAMPIRES FOR ME.

>> BE QUIET, VICTOR.

I'M ABOUT TO KILL ONE FOR ME,

DUDE.

>> Frankenstein: OH. ZIP.

>> VAMPIRE GANDHI, IN THE SPIRIT

OF MY FOREFATHERS BACK IN THE

COLONIAL DAYS OF THE GREATEST

COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, THE U.S.

OF FRICKIN' A., I FREE YOU FROM

THE ENSLAVEMENT OF THE UNDEAD.

TO PARAPHRASE MY PERSONAL HERO,

PATRICK HENRY, GIVE ME LIBERTY

FROM VAMPIRISM OR GIMME A BREAK,

MAN.

>> OH, PLEASE. A-DON'T KILL ME.

I LOVE-A THE FOUNDING FATHERS,

TOO.

WHO WERE THEY?

OH, YEAH!

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND

JOHN HANCOCK -- OH, YES, HE'S A

GOOD ONE.

>> SHUT YOUR HOLE!

DON'T YOU SOIL THEIR GREAT NAMES

WITH YOUR FANG MOUTH, YOU

BLOOD-GUZZLIN' CREEP.

>> YAH!

>> AAH!

WHAT THE SAM HILL?

>> VAMPIRE HUNTING IS MURDER.

>> SO, WHAT?

I GOT A LICENSE, BITCH.

>> PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL

TREATMENT OF THE UNDEAD DON'T

CARE ABOUT YOUR DEATH

CERTIFICATE.

>> AND YOU ARE NOW MARKED WITH

BLOOD SO EVERYONE KNOWS YOU FOR

THE MURDERER YOU ARE.

HA!

>> YOU THINK I AIN'T USED TO A

LITTLE BLOOD?

I'M A VAMPIRE HUNTER.

>> [ SIGHS ] TOO BAD.

SUCH A DELICIOUS WASTE OF HUMAN

BLOOD.

[ SNIFFS ]

HEY, THAT'S-A NOT-A DELICIOUS-A

BLOOD.

[ SNIFFS ]

THAT'S A WOMAN'S A-PERIOD! YUCK!

[ CHITTERING ]

>> MENSTRUAL BLOOD?!

OH, MAN.

I'M GONNA GET SICK.

>> Frankenstein: * MM MM-MM-MM

>> WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER

WITH YOU, MAN?

>> Frankenstein: * MM-MM

* MM MM-MM-MM MM

>> OH, YEAH.

UNZIP ALREADY.

>> Frankenstein: UNZIP!

OH, THANKS.

[ Singsong voice ] BOY, DO I

HAVE A FUN VAMPIRE-KILLING JOB

FOR YOU!

>> [ SIGHS ]

NO CAN DO, VICTOR.

NOT WITH THOSE CRAZY BITCHES

THROWIN' THEIR TIME-OF-THE-MONTH

ALL OVER ME.

OH, MAN. I NEED A DRINK.

>> Frankenstein: NO, JOE! WAIT!

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME GET RID OF

THESE LOUDMOUTH VAMPIRES.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

I'M AFRAID MY VAMPIRE-HUNTIN'

DAYS IS OVER.

>> Frankenstein: OH, PLEASE,

JOE.

VAMPIRES ARE THE WORST.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO ENJOY A

MOVIE AGAIN IF YOU DON'T DESTROY

THEM.

>> YEAH, BUT AS LONG AS THOSE

P.E.T.U. BUSYBODIES ARE DOUSIN'

MY ASS, YOUR LITTLE DILEMMA'S

GONNA HAVE TO WAIT.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, WHY DON'T

YOU JUST KILL THEM?

I'M PRETTY SURE THEY WON'T BE

MISSED.

>> DUDE, I'M A VAMPIRE HUNTER.

I CAN'T KILL NO HUMAN.

>> Frankenstein: OH, SURE YOU

CAN.

STAKES THROUGH THE HEARTS WORK

ON ANYONE.

THEY'RE EVERGREEN.

>> I MEAN LEGALLY, YOU IDIOT.

>> Frankenstein: ALL RIGHT, ALL

RIGHT.

NO NEED TO GET UPSET.

>> JUST TOO BAD THEY AIN'T

VAMPIRES, 'CAUSE I'D STAKE 'EM

WITH PLEASURE.

>> Frankenstein: JOE! THAT'S IT!

THAT'S THE ANSWER!

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS --

>> [ LAUGHS ]

HEY, FRANKENSTEIN, RIGHT?

>> Frankenstein: [ GROANS ]

NOW WHAT?

>> [ STAMMERING ]

>> I JUST WANTED TO SAY, YOU

KNOW MY PAL THOMAS JEFFERSON.

>> [ STAMMERING ]

>> Frankenstein: YEAH, YEAH, IT

RINGS A BELL.

LOOK, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF

SOMETHING, OKAY?

>> OH, OKAY. NO PROBS.

GEEZ.

>> Frankenstein: [ SLURPS ]

LOUSY FRANKENHOLES.

I'M GONNA START PLUGGING THOSE

THINGS UP.

ANYWAY, JOE, THE ANSWER IS --

>> THAT WAS JOHN HANCOCK, YOU

IGNORAMUS!

>> Frankenstein: THE SIGNATURE

GUY?

>> YEAH, THE DAMN SIGNATURE GUY

OF THE DECLARATION OF

INDEPENDENCE.

I'M GONNA GO GET HIS AUTOGRAPH!

>> HMM, BOY.

THAT VAMPIRE HUNTER SURE IS GAY

FOR THOSE FOUNDING FATHERS, HUH?

>> Frankenstein: HUH?

OH, OH, Y-YEAH.

>> GOOD TO KNOW.

>> LOOKY THAT, MAN.

IT'S LUCKY I HAD AN OLD GLORY ON

ME.

>> Frankenstein: OH, WELL, YEAH.

ANYWAY, JOE, THE ANSWER TO THIS

WHOLE P.E.T.U. DILEMMA IS TO GET

THE VAMPIRES TO INFLICT P.E.T.U,

WITH VAMPIRISM.

THEN YOU'LL KILL P.E.T.U. SO

THEY CAN'T DOUSE YOU WITH

MENSTRUAL BLOOD ANYMORE.

THEN YOU CAN FINALLY KILL THE

REGULAR VAMPIRES SO I CAN WATCH

MOVIES IN PEACE!

>> ARE YOU NUTS?

VAMPIRES AIN'T NEVER GONNA

DISABLE THEIR OWN PROTECTORS!

YOU WILL?

>> Both: WE WILL?

>> YES.

WE'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE THE

TORCH & PITCHFORK AFTER THE

MOVIE'S OVER.

THEN, YOU PRETEND TO TRY TO KILL

US.

WHEN P.E.T.U. JUMPS OUT, WE'LL

MAKE SURE THEY'RE FANGED BEFORE

YOU GET DOUSED WITH THE BLOOD.

>> Frankenstein: GREAT!

>> ARE YOU NUTS?!

WHY WOULD WE DISABLE OUR OWN

PROTECTORS?

BLAAH!

>> BECAUSE WE'RE VAMPIRES.

WE LOV BITING HUMANS, REMEMBER?

>> OH, YEAH.

HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

>> OH, YEAH. WE LOVE THEM.

>> HEY, A-FELLAS.

I GOT A PLAN TO DRIVE-A THAT

VAMPIRE HUNTER CUCKOO!

>> WOW.

THIS IS GETTING REALLY GOOD NOW.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Frankenstein: OH, BOY, JOE!

THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST!

FINALLY, NICE QUIET MOVIE

THEATERS.

OOH, IT'S GOT ME ALL

GOOSE-PIMPLY.

[ GIGGLES ]

>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

THERE'S SOMETHIN' ABOUT THESE

CUNNING BASTARDS FALLIN' FOR

THIS TRICK SO FAST.

I'M TELLIN' YOU, IF I WAS A

JACKRABBIT, MY EARS WOULD BE

STICKIN' STRAIGHT UP RIGHT NOW.

>> Frankenstein: OH, WHAT COULD

GO WRONG?

HERE THEY COME NOW.

GET READY, JOE.

[ GIGGLING ]

>> OKAY, BUT THIS STILL DON'T

FEEL RIGHT.

GET READY TO DIE, YOU UNHOLY

VARMINTS!

[ ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Frankenstein: [ Slo-mo ] GET

THEM!

>> * SO, SAY NOW WHAT YOU WILL

* CONFRONT YOUR KILLER IF YOU

WISH *

* THIS BAKER'S MADE YOU ILL

* SO, TURNS OUT PAYBACK IS A

BITCH *

* I WATCH YOU LOSE YOUR

BREATHING *

* AS YOU WATCH ME GETTING EVEN

* LA-DI-DA

>> [ Slo-mo ] N-O-O-O!

[ Normal voice ] WHY?!

YOU RUTHLESS NECK JOCKEYS!

WHY, OF ALL PEOPLE, DID YOU HAVE

TO CURSE THE BLESSED AMERICAN

FOUNDING FATHERS?

>> BECAUSE WE HATE YOU.

YOU'RE A VAMPIRE HUNTER, IDIOT.

>> GANDHI, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

>> OH-HO. IT'S NOT SO BAD, JOE.

AT LEAST NOW WE GET TO LIVE

FOREVER.

>> YEAH, JOE.

YOU WANT US TO LIVE FOREVER,

DON'T YOU?

>> YOU BOYS ALWAYS LIVED

FOREVER -- RIGHT HERE, RIGHT

SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF MY

PATRIOTIC TICKER.

YOU DIDN'T NEED TO BE A BUNCH OF

VAMPIRES.

YOUR IMMORTALITY WAS WRITTEN IN

THE HISTORY BOOKS, NOT IN THE

BOOK OF THE FRIGGIN' UNDEAD.

>> WELL, ANYWAY, YOU WOULDN'T

KILL THE FATHER OF YOUR COUNTRY,

WOULD YOU, JOE, JUST BECAUSE I

HAVE WOODEN FANGS?

>> WELL, GENERAL WASHINGTON, I

GUESS THAT'S WHAT WE ABOUT TO

FIND OUT.

>> Frankenstein: YAY!

>> JOHN ADAMS! OHHHH!

YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST.

[ BOTH HISSING ]

[ GRUNTS ]

I'M SORRY, THOMAS PAINE.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ SIZZLE ]

[ Voice breaking ] OH, WHAT AM I

DOING?

I JUST BURNT GEORGE WASHINGTON

WITH HOLY WATER.

I'M AFRAID MY VAMPIRE-HUNTIN'

DAYS IS REALLY OVER NOW.

>> Frankenstein: NO, JOE!

Y-YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CODE OF ETHICS,

YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT IS

RIGHT?

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO WATCH A

MOVIE IN PEACE AND QUIET AGAIN?

>> YOU WON'T. THAT'S HOW.

COME ON, GANG.

LET'S CATCH A FLICK.

>> YEAH, LET'S GO.

I LOVE THE MOVIES.

[ BOTH HISSING ]

>> [ Normal voice ] WELL...

>> Frankenstein: WHERE ARE YOU

GOING, JOE?

>> I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK,

MAN.

IN THE MEANTIME, I HEAR THERE'S

A SEQUEL TO "ATTACK OF THE

MONSTER KILLERS 5."

I THINK THEY CALLED IT

"ATTACK OF THE MONSTER KILLERS

5, PART 2."

>> Frankenstein: WAIT FOR ME,

JOE.

NOW YOU'LL SEE HOW INFURIATING

THESE VAMPIRES ARE FIRSTHAND.

>> OH, NO! DON'T GO IN THERE!

>> [ Laughing ] OF COURSE SHE

WILL -- THE DUNCE.

>> AH, YOU A LOSER.

HEY, THIS IS FUN.

YOU BLOODSUCKERS AIN'T SO BAD.

>> YOU EITHER, JOE.

>> YES, I CAN COUNT SEVERAL

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

ONE THING.

TWO -- TWO THINGS.

[ LAUGHS ]

THREE -- THREE THINGS.

[ LAUGHS ]

NO, WAIT. NO, WAIT.

FOUR -- FOUR THINGS I LIKE ABOUT

YOU!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: [ GRUMBLING ]

>> OH, OH, OH, WHAT'S THIS?

FIVE! FIVE THINGS!

>> Frankenstein: [ GRUNTING ]

[ BOOM! ]

>> SIX -- SIX THINGS!

[ LAUGHS ]

SIX VERY LIKEABLE THINGS.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH. OH. OH.

SEVEN! SEVEN THINGS!

SEVEN THINGS!

A-ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,

SIX, SEVEN.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

OH.

OH.

EIGHT! EIGHT THINGS!

OHHHH, MY GOD!