Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER ]

>> BLECHHH!

>> BLECHHH!

>> Frankenstein: QUIT CROWDING

ME!

DAMNED AMATEURS!

SOME OF US HAVE BEEN IN A BAR

BEFORE.

>> HEY, WHO DO I HAVE TO SUCK ON

THE NECK UNTIL THEY DIE TO GET A

DRINK AROUND HERE?

AAAH!

>> [ Southern accent ] YOU'RE IN

MY SEAT, YOU FANCY-PANTS

MOSQUITER.

>> [ MOANS ]

>> AW, DUDE!

HE WAS GETTING ME MY LONG ISLAND

ICED TEA.

MY BAD.

>> WHY IS THIS PLACE SO DAMN

IRRITATIN' AT NIGHT?

>> Frankenstein: SAME THING

EVERY YEAR, JOE.

ALL THESE IDIOTS ARE IN TOWN FOR

THAT STUPID SCARY MONSTER

CONTEST.

>> WELL, I'M SHAKIN' IN MY DAMN

BOOTS.

>> WOW! DR. FRANKENSTEIN!

CAN YOU SIGN MY BRAIN?

>> Frankenstein: WOULD YOU GET

LOST, KID?

I'M DRINKING HERE!

>> OHH, BUT YOU'RE MY FAVORITE

MAD SCIENTIST EVER,

DR. FRANKENSTEIN.

>> [ Scottish accent ] HMPH!

I THINK YOU MEAN "MISTER."

>> Frankenstein: OH, GREAT.

>> WOW! DR. MOREAU!

WILL YOU SIGN MY BRAIN?

>> OF COURSE. I'D BE DELIGHTED.

YOU KNOW, YOUNG MAN, THE

SCARY MONSTER CONTEST IS

SPONSORED BY THE SOCIETY OF

ILL-ADVISED EXPERIMENTATION, AND

WE DON'T ALLOW "MISTERS" TO

ENTER -- DOCTORS ONLY, I'M

AFRAID.

>> Frankenstein: YEAH, YOU'RE

AFRAID -- AFRAID I'LL WALK AWAY

WITH FIRST PRIZE!

>> TELL YOU WHAT, FRANKENSTEIN.

WE'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROVE

IT.

THIS YEAR, WE'LL ALLOW YOU TO

ENTER THE CONTEST.

[ Singsong voice ] THAT'LL BE

REALLY HILARIOUS!

>> Frankenstein: YOU'RE ON.

I'LL BE THERE, AND THEN WE'LL

SEE WHO'S LAUGHING.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> YAH! YAH!

>> Frankenstein: I'LL SHOW THOSE

HACKS.

THIS WILL BE MY OPPORTUNITY TO

PROVE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT I AM

THE GREATEST SCIENTIST THAT EVER

LI-I-I-VED!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> MAN, YOU AIN'T EVEN A DOCTOR?

>> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> Frankenstein: ALL RIGHT, WE

HAVE A SCARY MONSTER CONTEST TO

WIN, SO LET'S START FROM THE

TOP.

>> SCARY MONSTER CONTEST?

YOU KNOW, I'M A --

>> Frankenstein: YES -- A

JANITOR, SO SWEEP UP AND QUIT

INTERRUPTING!

>> Polidori: SO, WHAT SHOULD

STICK OUT OF THE MONSTER'S

SKULL?

HORNS? PENISES? PUPPIES?

>> ROOOOAR!

I AM THE EMBODIMENT OF

BLOOD-CURDLING!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Frankenstein: YOU COULDN'T

SCARE ANYBODY.

>> Polidori: YOU'RE AFRAID OF

FIRE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'LL SHOW YOU GENUINE TERROR!

ROOOAR!

GRRROWL!

>> Frankenstein: GIVE...ME...

THOSE...ARMS!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Frankenstein: OH, YEAH,

THAT WAS REAL MATURE.

>> [ CRYING ]

[ MOANS ]

[ SOBBING ]

STUPID MONSTER CONTEST.

[ SNIFFLES ]

>> AWWW!

>> HEY!

HOW ABOUT PAYIN' A LITTLE BIT

MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR REGULARS,

YOU STUPID UNEMPLOYED ACTOR?

THIS PLACE IS GOIN' TO HELL.

HEY! WHAT THE --

[ WOLF HOWLS ]

DRACULA.

I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR THIS

MOMENT MY WHOLE LIFE.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> WHOA!

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, BRAH!

>> GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU DANG

NAB GOOFAMAN!

>> NO CAN DO.

CHECK OUT THE SIGNAGE, DUDAGE.

>> WHERE'D ALL THAT CRAP COME

FROM?

>> JUST BOUGHT THE BAR, BRAH.

NEW OWNER, NEW RULES.

IT'S A CHILLAX ZONE FOR GOOD

TIMES ONLY, BRAH.

HEY, WE'D ALL LIKE TO MAKE THE

RULES, AND I JUST DID.

PSYCH! J.K.!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> "J.K."

NOW, HOW MUCH DAMN TIME YOU

THINK THAT YOU'RE SAVIN' BY

ABBREVIATIN'?

THERE'S POWER IN WORDS!

>> OKAY, WHAT KIND OF DIPPING

SAUCE WOULD YOU BROS LIKE WITH

YOUR CHICKEN WINGS?

WE GOT BARBECUE, RANCH, BLOOD.

>> Both: BLOOD!

>> RANCH.

NO -- BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD.

>> "J.K.," MY ASS!

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT

PEOPLE-SUCKER DOING WITH THE FAT

EGGHEAD?

>> Frankenstein: QUICKLY --

NEXT PAGE, NEXT PAGE!

>> Polidori: [ SIGHS ]

THIS WOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER

WITH ARMS, YOU KNOW.

>> Frankenstein: OH, QUIT

COMPLAINING.

WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

CHOP-CHOP!

>> Polidori: OHH...

>> VICTOR!

>> Frankenstein: WHAT NOW?!

>> I WAS CLEANING OUT THE

MORGUE, AND I JUST HAD TO SHOW

YOU WHAT I FOUND.

WASN'T HE SUCH A SCARY CREATION?

>> Frankenstein: UGH.

IT'S AMAZING WHAT PEOPLE USED TO

THINK WAS SCARY.

NOW, PLEASE, ELIZABETH!

>> VICTOR, I INSIST THAT YOU

ENTER THE CREATURE IN THE

CONTEST.

>> Frankenstein: DON'T BE

RIDICULOUS!

THIS IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT.

>> [ Singsong voice ] I'LL

MANGLE YOUR TESTICLES.

>> Frankenstein: [ Singsong

voice ] YGORRR!

BRING ME A BOX OF OCTOPUS

TENTACLES.

I NEED TO SPRUCE UP THE CREATURE

FOR THE SCARY MONSTER CONTEST!

>> Ygor: [ Laughing ] YOU GOT

IT!

>> Frankenstein: Yeah, I'm gonna

get it -- gonna get it right in

the balls.

>> You have no idea.

>> Frankenstein: [ LAUGHS ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ MONKEYS HOWLING ]

[ BAT CHITTERING ]

[ BAT SCREECHES ]

[ ZIPPER CLOSES ]

>> I KNOW YOU'RE AN EROTIC

MONSTER, DRACULA, SO I HOPE YOU

DON'T MIND BITING THIS HIDEOUS

BEASTIE.

>> AH, IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WITH TON

OF CHICKS.

THE DOGS ALWAYS GO THAT EXTRA

MILE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> GOOD.

THEN ALL YOU NEED DO IS GIVE HER

YOUR KISS OF UNDEATH, AND

TOGETHER WE WILL CREATE THE

SCARIEST...MONSTER...EVERRRRR!

>> LOVELY!

ANYTHING THAT WILL FOIL MY LEAST

FAVORITE JERK EVER -- VICTOR

"STUPIDHEAD" FRANKENSTEIN!

HUH!

[ GULPING ]

[ INDISTINCT VOICE, LAUGHTER ]

>> HOLY GUACAMOLEMAN!

THEY'RE MAKIN' A SUPER VAMPIRE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ GROWLS ]

[ ALL SCREAM ]

[ ALL SIGH ]

>> [ ROARS ]

>> SO, LET'S GIVE A BIG ROUND

OF APPLAUSE TO

TIPPY THE REPTILIAN APE!

[ STAPLES CLICK ]

>> Frankenstein: HOLD STILL!

>> I FEEL I WAS PRETTY GROTESQUE

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> Frankenstein: WHO'S THE MAD

SCIENTIST HERE, GENIUS?

>> YOU.

>> Frankenstein: AND DON'T YOU

FORGET IT!

>> Polidori: WELL, IT'S ABOUT

TIME.

UH, EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE, BUT

THERE'S SOMETHING THAT I HAVEN'T

BEEN ABLE TO DO IN A WHILE.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> WELL!

YOU ACTUALLY SHOWED UP,

FRANKENSTEIN.

>> Frankenstein: [ SCOFFS ]

OF COURSE I SHOWED UP.

WE'LL JUST SEE WHO CAN MAKE A

SCARY MONSTER.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO, MENGELE?

DID YOU SEW ANOTHER PAIR OF

TWINS TOGETHER?

>> [ SCOFFS ] NEIN!

E-EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.

>> Frankenstein: [ GRUNTING ]

>> BLARGH!

[ GROWLS ]

>> [ ROARS ]

>> OH! OH!

I DID HER! I DID HER!

>> NICE, BRAH!

HIGH FIVE!

>> Frankenstein: SUPER

VAMPIRE/MONSTER COMBO?

YOU'RE GONNA GET SLAUGHTERED OUT

THERE, NANCY.

>>THINK HE'S JUST GILDING A

LILY WITH ALL THESE DUMB

TENTACLES AND WHATNOTS.

YOU WERE SUFFICIENTLY HORRIFIC

THE WAY YOU WERE.

>> BUT I'M NOT SCARY AT ALL.

>> OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

NOW, YOU GO OUT THERE AND BE WHO

YOU ARE.

AND DON'T YOU WORRY.

I KNOW EVERYTHING WILL END UP

JUST FINE.

>> AND NEXT UP, NUMBER 37, THE

REANIMATED FLESH CREATURE --

NOW WITH TENTACLES -- OF

DR. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN!

OH!

I'M SORRY, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

THAT'S MR. VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN.

NOT DR. -- MR.

>> Frankenstein: COME ON.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

[ ONE PERSON CLAPPING ]

[ FEEDBACK ]

[ SPOTLIGHT CLACKS ]

[ MAN COUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: [ GULPS ]

>> [ INHALES DEEPLY ]

I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO

MAKE MY CREATOR PROUD THIS EVE.

'TIS ALL I HAVE EVER STRIVED

FOR.

BUT EVEN THOUGH I AM AN UTTER

MONSTROSITY...

[ Voice breaking ] I STILL FAIL

TO BRING FEAR INTO THE HUMAN

HEART.

[ INHALES ]

I'VE PROVEN TO BE A

DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE VERY MAN

WHO CREATED ME!

WHO BREATHED LIFE INTO ME!

THE PAIN THAT I FEEL NOW HAS

BECOME COMPLETELY UNBEARABLE.

[ SOBS ]

>> A PERFECT SCORE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ATTABOY!

>> Frankenstein: I DON'T BELIEVE

IT!

>> OF COURSE, I KNEW IT ALL

ALONG.

BEING THE WIFE OF A MAD

SCIENTIST, IT WAS OBVIOUS WHAT

WOULD SCARE THOSE REPRESSED

NERDS THE MOST.

>> Frankenstein: WHAT?

>> EMOTION.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

>> AHH, GOOD ON YA, MATE.

>> Frankenstein: GOOD JOB, KID.

>> HIII-YAHHH!

>> AND OUR SECOND PRIZE GOES TO

DR. MOREAU'S SUPER VAMPIRE

MONSTER.

[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]

[ AUDIENCE MURMURS ]

>> I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT

THE SUPER VAMPIRE COULDN'T BE

HERE TONIGHT -- OR ANY OTHER

NIGHT.

BUT I'LL BE ACCEPTING THIS AWARD

ON HIS BEHALF, A-AND I'M SURE

THAT HE'D LIKE TO THANK HIS

MAMA, HIS AGENT, AND GOD -- WHO

DON'T GIVE A LOUIS PASTEUR ABOUT

SCIENCE.

SO SUCK IT, ALL Y'ALL!

[ AUDIENCE GASPS ]

NOW, PERSONALLY, I'D LIKE TO

THANK THE SOUTH, AND I'LL TELL

YOU ANOTHER DAMN THING, TOO.

THE SOUTH IS THE GREATEST REGION

IN THIS COUNTRY.

IN THE WORDS OF

MARTIN LUTHER KING --

GET YOUR UNHOLY PAWS OFF ME!

AAAH! SON OF A BITCH!

SOMEBODY GET ME SOME DAMN TOMATO

JUICE!

GET ME SOME VODKA, TOO!

HELL, JUST BRING ME A DAMN

BLOODY MARY!

>> OH, JUST ONE MORE THING --

CONGRATULATIONS, DEPUTY DOCTOR.

>> OH, DARLING, THAT'S ADORABLE.

>> Frankenstein: IT'S NOT

ADORABLE!

>> NO -- IT'S OFFICIAL.

>> Frankenstein: DON'T TOUCH.

[ DOOR CREAKS ]

>> Polidori: OH, YOU.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE TOO LATE.

I'VE MET SOMEONE ELSE.

>> SQUAWK! IT'S A LIVING!