Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> OH, YEAH.

YOU TAKE IT, YOU LITTLE SLUT.

YOU LITTLE BOSTON BITCH.

COME ON, NOW.

GIVE IT TO ME.

UHHH!

YEE-HAW!

YEP.

[ ZIPPER ZIPS ]

HE'S DEAD ALL RIGHT.

>> I NEVER REALIZED YOU COULD

TELL...LIKE THAT.

>> OH, YEAH.

WELL, BACK ON THE FARM, THAT

WAS THE ONLY WAY TO REALLY MAKE

SURE A COW WAS A GONER.

>> YOU USED TO SCREW THE WOUNDS

OF CATTLE SKULLS?

>> OH HO HO.

WORKS LIKE A CHARM.

>> POOR PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

>> THERE'S STILL HOPE.

I KNOW A DOCTOR.

A MONSTER DOCTOR.

I MEAN, HE'S A DOCTOR FOR

MONSTERS.

HE'S NOT A MONSTER HIMSELF,

BUT HE DID INVENT AN IMMORTALITY

SERUM THAT MAKES HIM LIVE

FOREVER, SO I GUESS THAT MAKES

HIM MONSTER-LIKE, BUT, I MEAN...

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> WHOA!

OW!

CONSARNIT.

HEAVY SON OF GUN, YOU.

WHOA.

>> Ygor: YES?

>> OUTTA MY WAY, PIZZA-FACE!

* DEE-DEE-DO-DO-DO

* DEE-DO-DO-DO

>> AND HOW MUCH SHORTER WOULD

YOU LIKE YOUR LEGS TO BE

EXACTLY, MR. LINCOLN?

>> REAL SHORT.

SO THEY DON'T REACH THE GROUND.

>> STEP ASIDE, QUAKER OATS!

GOT A PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES SHOT IN THE HEAD

HERE!

>> NOT MY PROBLEM.

[ GUN COCKS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ THUD ]

>> HEH HEH.

COPYCAT.

>> Polidori: PRAY, WHO'S THE

NEXT PATIENT?

>> HOWDY.

VICE PRESI-- OH.

PRESIDENT LYNDON BAINES

JOHNSON.

>> Polidori: PROFESSOR

SANGUINAIRE POLIDORI.

>> AND, UH, THIS HERE'S JFK, UM,

GIVE OR TAKE SOME SKULL.

HEH!

>> Polidori: OH, DO COME

IN, I SUPPOSE.

>> GREAT CASTRO'S BEARD.

LOOKS LIKE DRACULA'S SCARY TOMB

IN HERE.

>> Polidori: CERTAINLY NOT.

I ASSURE YOU DRACULA WOULD

NEVER HAVE THE KEEN FASHION

SENSE TO DECORATE WITH DANGLING

EYEBALLS.

>> O-KAY.

>> Polidori: I GIVE YOU...

THE CREATOR!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

[ SHING! ]

[ HORSE NEIGHING ]

>> WELL, I'VE ALWAYS SAID,

"NATURE'S GREAT AND ALL, BUT

UNTIL I GET TO SEE ME A HORSE

WITH FANGS, I'M NOT INTERESTED."

[ HORSE NEIGHS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Frankenstein: GOD, I LOVE IT

WHEN THINGS END!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

I AM VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN.

WELCOME TO SOMEWHERE IN

EASTERN EUROPE.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE TRIP

FROM YOUR OWN TIME AND SPACE.

>> NAW, IT'S KINDA FUN.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, NOW WHAT

CAN I DO FOR YOU MR....?

>> JUST CALL ME LBJ.

>> Polidori: BUT I THOUGHT HE

WAS LBJ?

>> YOU DUMB HIPPIE!

HE'S JFK!

JOHN EFFING KENNEDY!

>> Polidori: SO...

YOU'D LIKE TO BRING YOUR LITTLE

PRESIDENT HERE BACK TO LIFE, EH?

>> HELL NO.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO MAKE ME LOOK

LIKE HIM -- WELL, BEFORE THE

SHOOTING, OF COURSE.

YA SEE, I WANT MARILYN MONROE'S

ASS IN MY FACE.

I WANT TO TASTE JACKIE O's

PERFUMY PRIVATES...

FEEL HER JIGGLY-WIGGLY JAGGLIES

AND THEN DINGLE MY DONGLE IN HER

HOBBLY WOBBLY.

>> Polidori: JIGGLY-WIGGLY

JOBBLIES?

>> THAT'S "JAGGLIES."

>> Polidori: GOT IT.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, I DON'T

THINK THIS SHOULD BE A PROBLEM

AT ALL.

I'LL JUST SIMPLY DO A ROUTINE

BRAIN SWITCHEROO.

>> WAIT, SO YOU MEAN YOU'RE

GONNA TAKE MY BRAIN OUT OF THIS

DOG-FACED HEAD OF MINE AND PUT

IT INTO RUDOLPH VALENTINO HERE?

>> Frankenstein: YES.

>> SHA-A-A-ME!

>> HOLY UGLY.

WHO'S THE LUMBERING SAD SACK?

>> Frankenstein: THAT'S MY...

CREATION.

HE'S KIND OF A PAIN IN THE ASS.

GO AWAY!

>> YOU AID THE WHIMS OF UNKNOWN

SOULS...

YET YOU CAST ASIDE YOUR VERY

OWN?

YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO THE

AGES!

[ ANIMALS HOWLING ]

SHA-A-ME!

>> YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

HE'S THE MONSTER?

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> Frankenstein: YGOR!

>> Ygor: GET BACK, YOU FOOL!

>> Frankenstein: HE PREFERS

"CREATION."

>> W-WELL, WHERE'S HIS SQUARE

GOLDARN HEAD?

>> Frankenstein: HE DOESN'T HAVE

A SQUARE HEAD.

>> BUT IT'S IN ALL THE MOVIES.

>> Frankenstein: SCREW THE

MOVIES!

>> OTHERWISE, HE LOOKS PRETTY

GOOD, THOUGH.

>> YOU -- YOU ENJOY MY VISAGE?

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THERE,

FANCY FELLA!

THE LETTERS "B-J" IN MY INITIALS

DON'T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK THEY

MEAN.

GOT ME, SUGARPLUM?

>> [ Howling ] I...AM...

A MAN!!

>> YEAH, WELL, SO'S KHRUSHCHEV,

BUT THAT DON'T MAKE HIM NO

PRETTIER.

SPEAKIN' OF WHICH, WHEN'S MY

MAKEOVER?

ALL THIS HOMO CRAP IS GIVIN'

ME A HANKERIN' FOR SOME SWEET,

MELTY "VIRGYNERS."

>> Polidori: HIGH FIVE.

>> Frankenstein: I WILL CREATE

THE WORLD'S FIRST LBJFK.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> OH, EXCELLENT.

EVERYTHING'S WORKING OUT JUST...

AS...[ Nasally ] PLANNED.

>> WINK!

[ LOON CALLS ]

>> MUST MAKE HEAD SQUARE.

>> AHEM.

>> OHH!

HELLO, MR. LAWRENCE.

>> AH, PLEASE.

CALL ME STEWART.

WHY ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING

TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK?

>> OH, I-I-I WAS JUST, UH...

EXPERIMENTING WITH MY

APPEARANCE.

>> GOLLY.

IT MUST BE NICE TO CHOOSE YOUR

FATE.

>> OH?

DOEST THOU THINK THIS ANGULAR

MUD PACK FLATTERS MY VI--

>> ME -- I'M CURSED, YOU SEE.

I GOT A NICE MUG DURING THE DAY.

SURE, EVERYONE SAYS IT.

I'M EASY ON THE EYES, BROTHER.

BUT THEN AT NIGHT -- AT NIGHT,

THINGS CHANGE.

>> YES, YES.

YOU TRANSFORM INTO

A LYCANTHROPE.

>> DON'T YOU GOT EYEBALLS?

I'M DREAMY, BROTHER.

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

I'M A HANDSOME MAN, SEE, WHO

SAYS HIS PRAYERS, I TELL YA.

BUT THEN I TURN INTO AN

UNSIGHTLY WEREWOLF.

>> UH...

>> I TELL YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE UGLY.

[ SOBS ]

OH, WOE IS ME!

AW, LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU JERK.

>> WINK! WINK!

>> Both: BLINK!

>> Frankenstein: HOW IS THE

SKULL RECONSTRUCTION GOING,

PROFESSOR?

>> Polidori: NOT TOO WELL.

THERE SEEMS TO BE A PIECE

MISSING.

>> Frankenstein: HMM. YES.

WE'LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE

ELSE'S FOREHEAD THAT WILL MATCH

THAT SPECIFIC CURVATURE.

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

I'VE GOT IT!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

YGOR!

>> Ygor: YES, MASTER?

>> Frankenstein: TAKE THE 1932

FRANKENHOLE TO FEBRUARY,

TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX.

BRING ME THE FOREHEAD OF

SPENCER TRACY-Y-Y!

>> Ygor: [ Laughing ] YOU GOT

IT.

>> SAY IT.

>> OH, I LOVE IT.

I LOVE IT!

>> YEAH, THEN LICK IT.

LICK IT, KATE!

YEAH!

THAT'S MY FOREHEAD!

>> OH, I LOVE YOUR FOREHEAD!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ BONES CRACK ]

HUH?

[ THUD! ]

OH.

AAH!

[ Muffled ] AAH!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ CRACKLING CONTINUES ]

>> [ LBJ's Voice ] Y'ALL START

YET?

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ Boston accent ] ER, UH,

"PAHHK THE CAHHR."

"PAHHK THE DAG NAB CAHHR."

[ LBJ's voice ] HEH-HEY.

GREAT JOB, DOC.

>> AW, HE'S HEAVY.

DADDY, WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS

DEAD OLD BODY?

>> YEAH, WHAT, DADDY?

>> WHAT?

>> Frankenstein: HOW MANY TIMES

DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, CHILDREN?

NOT WHILE I'M WORKING!

>> HEY.

THESE OLD GUYS YOUR KIDS?

>> Frankenstein: YES.

>> HOO HOO HA HA!

WELL, I'LL BE DING-DANGED!

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

>> WELL?

>> Polidori: WHY DON'T YOU JUST

ASK THE HUNKY BUMPKIN?

>> WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS?

>> GOT TO PUT HIM SOMEWHERE.

>> THAT OLD THING?

YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP SOME

CHINAMAN'S ASS FOR ALL I CARE.

HA HA HA.

>> COME ON, HEINRICH.

LET'S JUST TAKE HIM TO THE

CEMETERY.

>> OH, GUSTAV, THAT PLACE HITS

TOO CLOSE TO HOME AT MY AGE.

>> AT MY AGE, TOO.

>> WHAT, SO, YOU NEVER GIVEN

THEM THAT IMMORTALITY JUICE?

>> Frankenstein: THANK GOD, NO.

>> HA HA HA HA.

LORD HAVE MERCY.

[ Boston accent ] ER, UH,

"PAHHK THE CAHHR."

>> Polidori: WOULD YOU LIKE ME

TO GET YOU TWO A ROOM SO YOU

CAN BE ALONE WITH YOURSELVES?

>> [ LBJ's voice ] NO, BUT YOU

CAN QUIT YER LEERING AT MY SWEET

WOMAN-LOVIN' ASS AND GO GET ME

SOMETHIN' TO DINGLE MY NEW

DANGLE INTO SO I CAN MAKE SURE

MY PUMPER'S TICKING

SUFFICIENTLY.

>> Polidori: HERE, YOU CAN USE

THIS LEFTOVER BRAIN.

>> HEH.

I'LL CUSTOMIZE IT FOR YOUR

DUMB ASS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ ANIMAL HOWLING ]

[ Boston accent ] ASK NOT WHAT I

CAN DO FOR YOU...

[LBJ's voice] ASK WHAT YOU CAN

DO TO MY MARILYN MONROE-RAMMER.

'CAUSE THE PIPES ARE ALL WORKIN'

JUST FINE.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

HEY! WHOA! OW!

GET YOUR HAND OFF ME!

I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE

GOLDARN UNITED STATES!

GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU WEIRDO

MONKEY MAN!

OW!

I SAID OW!

OWWWWW!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ WHIMPERS ]

>> [ GROANING ]

>> OH, GREAT.

>> HE'S ALIVE!

NOWGETS TO BE A WEREWOLF.

>> AH, LUCKY.

>> HOW COME WE'RE THE ONLY ONES

WHO DON'T LIVE FOREVER AROUND

HERE?

>> YEAH.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

>> BOYS!

COME INTO THE CASTLE AND CLEAN

YOUR ROOMS!

>> Both: COMING, MOTHER.

>> DUMB IMMORTAL.

>> Shh!

GUSTAV, SHE'LL HEAR YOU, AND

WE'LL BE GROUNDED AGAIN.

>> I DON'T CARE!

>> WELL, I DO!

>> OOH.

>> I LIKE TO GET OUT AND ABOUT

FROM TIME TO TIME.

>> CONSARNIT.

YOU TELLIN' ME THAT I FINALLY

GIT ME A KISSABLE PATOOTIE AND

ON TH MOST ROMANTIC NIGHT OF

THE MONTH, I'M GONNA GROW HAIR

ALL OVER IT?!

HELL, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A

DUMB-ASS SQUARE HEAD LIKE DOOFUS

OVER HERE!

>> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ]

THAT'S NOT REAL.

TAKE THAT STUPID THING OFF!

>> BUT IT IS MORE TO YOUR

LIKING?

>> OH, YEAH, I LOVE IT!

BEND OVER!

I HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BOYS,

BUT YOU JUST LOST YOURSELF ONE

HAPPY CUSTOMER!

AND I WILL NOT BE RECOMMENDIN'

YOU HIGHLY TO ANY TIME PERIOD

ANY TIME SOON!

COME ON, HANDSOME.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>> DO I NOT LOOK MORE FETCHING?

>> Frankenstein: OH, GO TO YOUR

ROOM!

>> [ GROANS ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * I'M A BRAIN AND BODY ODDY

* WITH ANOTHER THING THAT'S

SHODDY *

* I'M A WEREWOLF

* A WEREWOLF

* DON'T TRY TO RID ME SOONER,

AND THE REASON IS QUITE LUNAR *

* I'M A WEREWOLF

* A WEREWOLF

* GRO-O-WL

* GRO-O-WL

* GRO-O-O-O-WL

* I'M A WEREWOLF