Original subtitles

>> ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

A LITTLE SHAKING, A LITTLE

NOISE, AND WE'RE HAULING OUR

BUTTS TO GREEN CHEESE.

>> READY FOR LAUNCH.

T-MINUS 15, 14, 13...

[ ENGINES RUMBLING ]

12, 11, 9...

>> 9?

>> ...8...

OH, NO. SORRY.

[ ENGINES STOP ]

UH, 10, 9...

>> W-WHAT, ARE YOU PURPOSELY

SABOTAGING THIS REHEARSAL?

UH, Y-Y-Y-YOU CAN'T EVEN COUNT

BACKWARDS, CAN YOU, YOU MORON?!

>> OH, SORRY, MR. HANKS.

UH, SHOULD I SKIP TO ONE?

>> UH, FORGET IT. SCREW YOU!

WHERE THE HELL IS RON?

WE NEED TO SHOOT THIS. NOW!

>> WELL, HE'S IN HIS DRESSING

ROOM ON AN IMPORTANT CALL.

>> IMPORTANT?

I'M IMPORTANT!

I'M TOM EVER-LOVIN' HANKS!

>> SORRY. HE'S IN TRAILER 9.

UH, I MEAN 10. SORRY. SORRY.

HEH. DAMN IT.

[ BOTH MOANING ]

>> WHO ARE YOU?!

>> Woman: UH, I'M RON.

>> UH-HUH.

>> Woman: RON HOWARD.

>> GOOD.

>> Woman: CHILD STAR...

FULL HEAD...

>> UH-HUH.

>> Woman: ...OF HAIR.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> Woman: SQUEAKY-CLEAN IMAGE.

>> [ MOANING ] SAY IT AGAIN.

MAKE ME BELIEVE YOU!

>> Woman: RON -- CHILD --

>> UH-HUH.

>> Woman: HAIR -- SQUEAK --

>> NO! NO! CUT!

>> Woman: HUH?

>> I MEAN, "STOP."

STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME.

>> Woman: OH. OKAY.

>> UGH, IT'S NOT WORKING.

>> OF COURSE IT'S NOT WORKING.

>> TOM! HI!

UH, I WAS JUST AUDITIONING, UH,

JASMINE HERE FOR A --

>> OH, COME ON, RON.

A MIRROR ON THIS HOOKER'S FACE?

THAT KIND OF STUFF NEVER WORKS.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, IT

AIN'T GONNA BE YOU, KID.

I KNOW.

I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING.

>> "FRANKENSTEIN'S MAD

OPERATIONS LTD."?

>> THERE'S A MAP OF THE NEAREST

FRANKENHOLE ON THE BACK OF THE

CARD.

GO TO FRANKENSTEIN AND ASK HIM

TO MAKE YOU A CLONE THAT YOU CAN

SCREW WHENEVER YOU WANT!

>> OH, I-I DON'T THINK I WANT

THAT.

>> RON, GUYS LIKE US NEED AN

OUTLET FOR OUR PERVERSION, OR

ELSE OUR TRUE GROSSNESS STARTS

SHOWING UP UNDERNEATH THESE

WHOLESOME PERSONAS OF OURS.

THEN HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA PLAY

NICE GUYS WITH AIDS OR RETARDED

HICKS?

>> BUT, TOM, I JUST WANT TO BE

YOUNG AGAIN.

CAN HE DO THAT?

>> WELL, HE CAN DO THIS --

TOMMY?

>> YES, DADDY?

>> HEY, THAT'S YOU FROM

"BOSOM BUDDIES"!

YEAH, HE CAN PROBABLY HANDLE

MAKING ME YOUNG AGAIN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY, LOWER THE MIRROR,

SWEETHEART.

[ ZIPPER UNZIPS ]

WHOOPS!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ HINGES CREAK ]

>> Polidori: YES?

>> UH, RON HOWARD FOR VIC...

>> Polidori: FOLLOW ME...

>> ...TOR FRANKENSTEIN.

>> Polidori: I GIVE YOU...

HERR FRANKENSTEIN.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, POP! ]

[ BABY SCREAMS ]

>> WHAT IS IT?

>> Frankenstein: IT'S ALIVE.

BACK TO WORK, MOTHER THERESA.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Frankenstein: AH, MR. HOWARD.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

>> I DON'T HAVE FUN GETTING OFF

ANYMORE.

YOU SEE, I WAS SO CUTE AS A KID

THAT I WOULD JUST MASTURBATE TO

MY OWN REFLECTION.

IT WAS EASY.

>> Polidori: WELL, THOSE DAYS

ARE SURELY OVER.

>> YEAH, AND NOW I EVEN STRAP

HAIRY MIRRORS ONTO WOMEN WHILE I

SCREW THEM.

NOTHING WORKS FOR ME.

>> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ]

SO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU HAIR.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO!

I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE OKAY,

BUT I WANT SOMETHING ELSE.

I WANT MY YOUTH BACK.

>> Frankenstein: MR. HOWARD --

>> CALL ME RONNY.

>> Frankenstein: "RONNY"?

TRUST ME -- YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A

"RONALD."

>> NO, NO. I DON'T LIKE RONALD.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, GET USED

TO IT.

YOU LOOK LIKE ONE.

>> NO, I DON'T! I HATE RONALD.

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A RONALD.

OKAY, SO I LOOK A LITTLE LIKE A

RONALD.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

HEH. RONNY, RIGHT?

>> Frankenstein: LOOK AT YOU,

GRASPING DESPERATELY AT YOUR

YOUTH!

>> COME ON.

I JUST WANT TO BE CUTE AGAIN.

>> Polidori: YES, DO US ALL A

FAVOR.

>> Frankenstein: ALL RIGHT!

WE'LL NEED SOME OF YOUR DNA SO

WE CAN CLONE YOU FOR EXTRA

PARTS.

>> OH, WELL, HERE.

I, UH, MADE SOME SPERM WHILE I

WAS IN THE FRANKENHOLE.

>> Frankenstein: EW!

GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!

>> Polidori: MY, WE ARE RANDY,

AREN'T WE?

>> Frankenstein: THAT'S SO

GROSS.

>> GROSS?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SCIENTIST.

>> Frankenstein: YEAH, BUT NOT A

GAY SCIENTIST.

>> Polidori: UGH! FINE!

I'LL TAKE IT.

>> Frankenstein: THIS IS HOW WE

GET DNA AROUND HERE -- THE MANLY

WAY.

>> THAT DOESN'T SEEM SO MANLY TO

ME --

BLBLBLBLB! STOP IT! CUT IT OUT!

>> Frankenstein: GIVE ME THREE

WEEKS FOR THE CLONING.

>> THREE WEEKS? THREE WEEKS?!

ARE YOU MAD?!

I CAN'T WAIT THREE WEEKS!

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE,

I TELL YOU!

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO LIVE WITH THIS CURSE!

OHH, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> Polidori: REMIND YOU OF

ANYONE?

>> Frankenstein: HMM. YGOR!

HERE -- PUT THIS TOOTHBRUSH

SOMEWHERE SAFE UNTIL WE'RE READY

TO USE IT.

AND MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE GETS

THEIR DNA ON IT.

>> Ygor: YOU GOT IT!

>> WHY?! WHY ME?!

>> WHY?! WHY ME?!

>> WHY MUST I LIVE LIKE THIS

ANOTHER DAY?!

>> WHY MUST I LIVE LIKE THIS

ANOTHER DAY?!

>> WHY DOESN'T MY ECHO SOUND

LIKE MY VOICE?!

>> WHY DOESN'T MY ECHO WAIT FOR

ME?!

>> Both: WHO ARE YOU?

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> WAIT, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT

YOU WENT BACK IN TIME AND

INTERACTED WITH A YOUNGER YOU?

>> YEAH. AND DON'T YOU SEE?

I GAVE MYSELF THE CURSE --

THE CURSE OF THE WEREWOLF.

>> OH, THAT SEEMS IMPROBABLE.

>> [ German accent ] ACTUALLY,

IT'S COMPLETELY PROBABLE.

YOU SEE, THERE ARE AN INFINITE

NUMBER OF EACH OF US --

>> WOW!

>> OH, YOU INTERRUPTED ME.

>> ALBERT EINSTEIN! HA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! MNH!

>> WHOA.

ANYWAY, THIS IS GETTING GOOD.

>> [ Thinking ] UGH!

I HATE INTERRUPTIONS.

FIRST I GET INTERRUPTED BY

NAZI GERMANY AND NOW THIS

DUMB-DUMB.

SCREW HIM.

I'LL JUST GO ON WITH MY FUN

FRANKENHOLE RESEARCH INSTEAD OF

TELLING HIM THAT, ACCORDING TO

MY NIFTY LITTLE THEORY OF

RELATIVITY, ALL HE HAS TO DO

IS --

>> ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO BACK

IN TIME, FIND A YOUNG ME, AND

KIDNAP HIM TO...

>> YES, USE HIS YOUNG BODY TO

PUT YOUR CURRENT BRAIN INTO.

>> YEAH. HA!

HEY, HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA

SAY THAT?

>> WHAT ELSE WOULD ONE DO WITH

SOMEONE'S YOUNGER VERSION OF

THEMSELVES?

[ Thinking ] GOD, I HATE YOU

MORE THAN ANYTHING, YOU UGLY,

BALD --

[ Aloud ] CAN I TAG ALONG?

>> COULDN'T HURT, HAVING AN

EINSTEIN ALONG.

>> AND I'M A GOOD ONE, TOO.

>> AREN'T YOU COMING, LAWRENCE?

>> NO, I'M JUST GONNA SIT HERE

AND DRINK MY TROUBLES AWAY.

>> THAT GUY'S A REAL

THOMAS EDISON.

>> EDISON?

OH, IS THAT THE TERM EINSTEIN

USES FOR "DUMMY"?

>> MM-HMM -- BELIEVE ME, I'VE

GOT A MILLION OF THEM.

COPERNICUS, HIPPOCRATES,

NOSTRA-DUMBASS.

>> HA HA HA.

I LIKE THAT LAST ONE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

THANKS FOR COMING ALONG, ALBERT.

I COULDN'T DO THE KIDNAPPING ON

MY OWN.

>> WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

I'M NOT GONNA HELP WITH ANY

KIDNAPPING!

>> OH, COME ON!

>> NO. NO WAY, JOSE.

>> ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS BASH HIS

HEAD IN.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YAY!

OHH, LOOK AT ME OVER THERE.

>> [ WHISTLING ]

>> WE CAME BACK TOO FAR.

I CAN'T PUT MY BRAIN IN THAT.

>> WHOOPSIE!

>> CUT!

SORRY. RONNY TRIPPED A LITTLE.

L-LET'S TAKE IT AGAIN.

>> OHH, SON OF A BITCH!

YOU CAN'T EVEN WALK, CAN YOU,

YOU MORON?!

>> SORRY, MR. GRIFFITH.

HI.

>> UM, HI.

>> DO YOU WANT MY AUTOGRAPH OR

SOMETHING?

>> UH, SURE.

UH, HERE, SIGN MY, UH...

>> I CAN SIGN YOUR BALDNESS.

>> [ SIGHS ] YEAH, WHY NOT?

NOT GONNA BE USING IT MUCH

LONGER, ANYWAY.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> RON -- UH, EE -- ER, ALD.

>> RONNYALD?

>> RONALD. RONALD.

[ SQUEAKING ]

>> OH, THAT'S KIND OF LIKE MY

NAME, ONLY OLDER AND UGLIER.

>> YEAH, WELL, I GOT TO LIVE

WITH IT.

>> YEAH, 'CAUSE IT'S ON YOUR

BALDNESS.

>> THANKS.

>> DO WE BASH HIS HEAD IN NOW?

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

>> I REALLY WANTED TO NOW.

>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> NOTHING. YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.

IT'S, UH, IT'S GROWN-UP JUNK.

[ SIGHS ] OKAY, I'M YOU FROM THE

FUTURE, AND WE WERE TALKING

ABOUT KILLING YOU AND PUTTING MY

OLD BRAIN INTO YOUR LITTLE BODY.

>> NEAT!

>> NO, IT'S NOT NEAT.

YOU'D BE DEAD, AND THAT WOULD

STINK.

SO I'M GETTING THE TEENAGED ME

INSTEAD. SEE YOU LATER.

>> CAN I COME ALONG?

>> NO, YOU CAN'T COME ALONG.

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

>> SURE, IT'S MY BUSINESS.

IT MIGHT BE THE YOUNGER YOU

THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS TO, BUT

IT'S STILL THE OLDER ME.

THAT'S MY FUTURE YOU'RE TOYING

WITH, BUDDY.

>> HE'S NOT SO WRONG.

>> YEAH, TECHNICALLY.

OKAY, FINE, YOU CAN COME ALONG.

BUT STAY OUT OF THE WAY, WILL

YOU?

>> OH, BOY!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Frankenstein: IT'S ALIVE!

ALIVE!

>> MNYAH!

>> Frankenstein: YGOR!

>> Ygor: SORRY.

[ TING! ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ]

NOW WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND

MORE OF HIS DNA?

>> Polidori: OH, HERE!

>> Frankenstein: YOU'VE BEEN

HANGING ON TO THIS CRUD THE

WHOLE TIME?

>> Polidori: DON'T CALL IT CRUD.

I'VE GROWN ATTACHED TO THE

LITTLE FELLOW.

[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> WOW. LOOK AT ME.

SO YOUNG AND...

PRETTY.

>> WHOA!

IS THAT ME IN THE JACKET?

>> NO. THE GIRL HE'S DANCING

WITH IS YOU.

I MEAN, ME.

UM, WE.

>> I TURN INTO A GIRL?!

>> NO, NO.

WE'RE ON THE "HAPPY DAYS" SET.

>> WHAT'S "HAPPY DAYS"?

>> IT'S A SITCOM ABOUT THE '50s.

>> YOU MEAN I COME FROM THE

PRESENT DAY IN THE '60s TO

THE FUTURE OF THE '70s, AND THE

TEENAGED ME IS PRETENDING HE'S

IN THE PAST OF THE '50s?

DRESSED LIKE A GIRL?

>> YES, AND ALL THAT IS THE

LEAST CRAZY THING THAT'S

HAPPENING.

>> CUT!

>> NO KIDDING.

AND NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE

FACT THAT THE '50s NEVER LOOKED

LIKE THIS, THE WHOLE PHYSICAL

PHENOMENON OF TRAVELING --

>> OOH, HERE I COME!

>> BOY, I CAN'T GET A WORD IN

EDGEWISE WITH YOU.

>> RON!

>> SORRY, NO TIME FOR AUTO--

HEY! LITTLE RONNY HOWARD!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL GROWN U--

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> BREAKIN' THE LAWS OF PHYSICS!

>> I KNOW. THIS IS WEIRD.

>> AND YOU.

ARE WE RELATED?

>> WELL, KIND OF.

I'M YOU.

>> LET'S GO TALK IN MY DRESSING

ROOM.

>> YOU TWO WAIT OUT HERE.

>> BUT WHY?

>> YEAH. THIS IS THE MONEY SHOT.

>> OUT!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

SO...

HELLO.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> NO, NO. LEAVE IT ON.

I MEAN, I'M A DIRECTOR.

I KNOW WHAT A BOTHER IT IS TO

DEAL WITH HAIR AND MAKEUP.

I WON'T BE LONG.

I NEED YOU.

YOUR YOUTH.

IT'S ALL [SNIFFS]

QUITE ATTRACTIVE.

>> UH-HUH.

I DON'T FOLLOW...I HOPE.

>> OH, I THINK YOU DO.

MASTURBATING MIRRORS?

>> OH.

WAIT. NO.

UH. NO! DON'T! UH!

>> [ GURGLES ]

>> NO!

[ FABRIC RIPS ]

I'M NOT GAY!

>> THIS IS MORE THAN GAY!

>> WHAT AM I DOING IN THERE WITH

ME?

[ CRASH! ]

>> PROBABLY NOTHING.

[ ZIP! ]

>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

THAT WAS THE MOST...

NARCISSISTIC THING I'VE EVER

EXPERIENCED.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY?

GUILT FINALLY SINKING IN?

>> YEAH.

REPRESSED GUILT...

FROM MY TEENAGE YEARS...

WHEN I WAS...MOLESTED...

BY ME...

JUST NOW!

YOU ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT!

>> OH...MY...GOD.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ BOTH SOBBING ]

I'M AWFUL!

>> AND DIRTY!

[ SNIFFLES ]

OOH!

IT FEELS GOOD TO FINALLY GET

THAT ALL OUT.

I'VE BEEN CARRYING THAT AROUND

INSIDE ME FOR --

WELL, FOR ONLY TWO MINUTES,

ACTUALLY, BUT IT FEELS LIKE

DECADES!

UH-OH.

>> WHAT?

>> LOOK.

>> AND SO IT WAS THAT, BY THE

OLDER RON HOWARD CARNALLY

VIOLATING THE YOUNGER

RON HOWARD, THE FABRIC OF THE

COSMOS HAD TORN AND UPSET

THE TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM,

RESULTING IN THEIR OWN PERSONAL

VAST UNIVERSE OF INFINITE,

VARIED-AGED-BY-MICROSECOND

RON HOWARDS, WHO HAVE EXISTED,

AND WILL ALWAYS EXIST, IN THE

VAST OCEAN OF CHRONOLOGY --

>> Frankenstein: YEAH, WHATEVER.

>> GO AHEAD. INTERRUPT ME AGAIN.

>> Frankenstein: I DON'T NEED IT

EXPLAINED.

>> OKAY, WHATEVER.

I GUESS I'LL GO JUMP IN THE

LAKE, THEN.

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

>> Frankenstein: GEEZ, THAT

GUY'S A REAL THOMAS EDISON.

>> * RONNY, MY BABY

>> RONNY, MY BABY.

>> * HOW I LOVED YOU SO

>> HOW I LOVED YOU SO.

>> * I PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU

>> I PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU.

>> * WOULDN'T LET YOU GO

>> AND WOULDN'T LET YOU GO.

DON'T YOU SEE?

YOU'RE THE ME I COULDN'T BEGIN

TO POSSESS.

UNLESS I SPLIT A HOLE IN

TIME.

AND SHOVED IT INTO YOUR PARTY

DRESS.