Original subtitles

>> JEFFERSON!

AREN'T YOU DONE WRITING THE

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE YET?

>> CALM DOWN, HANCOCK!

I'M STUCK ON THIS WHOLE "ALL MEN

ARE CREATED EQUAL" THING.

IT JUST DOESN'T RING TRUE.

>> WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

>> WELL, I OWN SLAVES.

>> OH, I SEE -- A MORAL DILEMMA.

>> YES.

HOW CAN ALL MEN BE CREATED EQUAL

WHEN THESE BLACK MEN HAVE

PENISES TWICE THE SIZE OF MINE?

I'M GONNA TAKE A BREAK FOR A

BIT, JOHN.

I'VE GOT AN ERRAND TO RUN.

>> WELL, CAN I JUST SIGN IT NOW?

I'M CHOMPING AT THE BIT HERE.

>> OKAY, BUT WRITE SMALL.

I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

>> THANKS, BUDDY!

OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY,

OH, BOY!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Polidori: THOMAS JEFFERSON.

BARON FRANKENSTEIN.

>> Frankenstein: NOT NOW!

I AM RE-ANIMATING THIS FRESHLY

FED, FRESHLY DEAD SNAKE.

>> Polidori: IT CHOKED.

POOR THING.

[ EQUIPMENT WHIRS ]

>> Frankenstein: NOTHING.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN? LOOK!

IT'S MOVING.

>> Frankenstein: NO. YOU LOOK.

[ SQUIRREL CHATTERS ]

>> BUT -- BUT -- BUT-BUT --

>> Frankenstein: BUT WHAT?!

OH, WELL.

ANYWAY, MR. JEFFERSON, WHAT

BRINGS YOU HERE TO SOMEWHERE IN

EASTERN EUROPE?

>> I WANT TO ALTER MY...UM...

JOHN ADAMS.

>> Frankenstein: TERRIFIC.

ANOTHER PERVERT.

WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING MORE

CHALLENGING, LIKE LEGS ON YOUR

EYES OR A FEATHERED BRAIN OR

SOMETHING?

>> NOT SURE THAT STUFF IS BIG

WITH THE LADIES.

>> Frankenstein: FINE.

WE'LL MAKE YOUR PENIS BIGGER.

[ DRILL WHIRS ]

HOP UP!

>> ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT MY

PENIS BIGGER, PER SE.

I WANT IT REPLACED ENTIRELY WITH

THAT OF A NEGRO'S.

>> Polidori: WELL, IT'S NOT AN

EYEBALL WITH FEATHERS, BUT IT'S

INTERESTING.

>> YOU SEE?

I'VE NOTICED THAT WHEN I FORCE

MYSELF ON MY SLAVE WOMEN, THEY

LOOK A LITTLE, WELL...UNEXCITED.

>> Polidori: HMM. CURIOUS.

>> I THINK THAT PERHAPS THE

COLOR AND -- OKAY -- SIZE OF MY

MEMBER MAY NOT BE WHAT THEY'RE

USED TO.

OH, PLEASE, FRANKENSTEIN, HELP

ME SATISFY MY SLAVES.

>> Frankenstein: ALL RIGHT,

WELL, LET'S SEE.

[ THUD! ]

>> I WANT THE BIGGEST AND THE

BLACKEST!

HOW ABOUT HIM?

>> Frankenstein: THE INVENTOR OF

PEANUT BUTTER.

>> Polidori: NOT THE MOST VIRILE

OF OCCUPATIONS.

>> Frankenstein: HOW ABOUT THIS

FELLOW?

P. DIDDY?

>> P. DIDDY?

AT SCHOOL, THAT WAS THE VERY

WORD WE USED FOR "TINY PENIS."

NEXT, PLEASE.

>> Frankenstein: OKAY, UM...

HOW ABOUT HIM?

>> WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

>> Polidori: WELL, THE NAME

"WILT" DOESN'T EXACTLY INSPIRE

CONFIDENCE, DOES IT?

>> YES, BUT LOOK AT HIS FEET.

[ Laughing ] THEY'RE HUGE!

>> Polidori: TRUE.

>> Frankenstein: PLEASE.

THE RELATIONSHIP OF THE FOOT AND

THE PENIS ARE COMPLETELY

INCONSEQUENTIAL.

>> DOUBT THAT.

BUT ANYWAY, CHAMBERLAIN'S NOT

EVEN AN INDIGENOUS NAME.

WE NEED TO FIND SOMEONE FRESH

FROM DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA,

WITH A NAME LIKE MBOUGWA OR

GABA-GABA-GAWLLA OR...

>> Frankenstein: BARACK OBAMA!

>> PERFECT! HA HA!

THAT ONE PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN

SPEAK ENGLISH.

WHERE IS HE?

>> Frankenstein: AMERICA, 2009.

AND I THINK YOU'LL BE SURPRISED

AT HIS OCCUPATION.

>> IN 2009? WHO CARES?

HE'S PROBABLY A SPACE GARDENER

OR SOME ROBOT'S BUTLER OR

SOMETHING.

AS LONG AS EVERYTHING'S BIG AND

BLACK DOWNSTAIRS, I'M HAPPY.

>> Frankenstein: LET'S GO, THEN!

YGOR, PACK OUR BAGS FOR 2009!

>> Ygor: I WAS JUST GETTING TO

IT.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Polidori: LOVELY PLACE.

>> THANK YOU.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

>> THAT WAS --

I MEAN, IT JUST --

IT JUST SWIRLED AWAY!

BLOOP! GONE!

NO FUSS, NO MUSS, NO CALLING FOR

THE POOP SLAVE.

BLOOP!

>> Frankenstein: MR. JEFFERSON,

MAY I INTRODUCE BARACK --

>> HEY! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUT

OF A JOB.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY POOP WENT AWAY ALL BY ITSELF.

CARRIED OUT OF THE HOUSE.

WHOOSH!

>> Frankenstein: MR. JEFFERSON,

MAY I INTRODUCE YOUR COUNTRY'S

44th PRESIDENT.

>> WELL, WHAT AN HONOR --

>> RIGHT HERE, SIR.

>> PRESIDENT?

>> YES.

>> OF THE UNITED STATES?

>> YES.

>> OF AMERICA?

>> YES.

>> ON EARTH?

>> YES.

LOOK, I AGREED TO SEE YOU AS

SOON AS I LEARNED OF YOUR

PROBLEM.

>> OH, YES, OF COURSE.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU --

>> I CAN HELP YOU FINISH THE

CONSTITUTION.

>> THE WHAT'S-TO-WHO-TION?

>> THE CONSTITUTION, SIR.

DON'T WORRY.

I'VE GOT IT COMMITTED TO MEMORY.

>> OH, YES, OF COURSE.

UM...LET'S SEE.

I WAS STUCK ON THE OPENING.

UM..."WE THE BLAH-DEE-BLAHS"...

>> "PEOPLE," SIR.

"WE THE PEOPLE."

>> AH, YES. PERFECT.

NICELY DONE. THANKS.

>> WELL, IF THAT'S ALL, I GUESS

YOU'LL BE ON YOUR WAY, THEN.

>> YES. GOODBYE!

>> Frankenstein: [Coughs] PENIS!

>> OH, ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE

MORE LITTLE THING.

>> YES, SIR?

>> I, UM...NEED YOUR...UM...

>> Frankenstein: MR. JEFFERSON

NEEDS TO GRAFT YOUR PENIS ONTO

HIS BODY SO HE CAN BETTER

SATISFY THE BLACK WOMEN ON HIS

PLANTATION.

>> YOUR...SLAVES, YOU MEAN.

>> SEMANTICS.

>> HMM.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

>> YOU WILL?!

>> YES.

SEE, YOU'RE A FOUNDING FATHER.

ALL SIDES MUST COME TOGETHER AND

SET ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES IF

WE'RE EVER GONNA GET ANYTHING

DONE.

FOR AT THIS PIVOTAL STAGE IN

AMERICAN HISTORY --

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.

ARE YOU BIG AND BLACK?

>> WELL, NO ONE'S EVER

COMPLAINED ABOUT MY SIZE.

BUT I MUST USE FULL DISCLOSURE.

MY MOTHER WAS WHITE.

>> WELL, THAT MAKES PERFECT

SENSE.

YOUR MOTHER WAS WHITE.

I -- [ GASPS ]

YOUR MOTHER WAS WHITE?!

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

>> IT WAS CONSENSUAL, SIR.

>> LET'S GO GET

WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT HIM.

I THINK HE'S PERFECT.

>> Frankenstein: YES, LET'S GO

TO THE L.A. FORUM IN 1973 AND

CATCH US THIS...BASKETEER.

>> WILT CHAMBERLAIN?!

[ BUZZER ]

>> HO HO!

I'M LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE!

>> Polidori: KEEP IT IN YOUR

PANTS.

>> HOW CAN I KEEP IT IN MY PANTS

WHEN IT'S NOT EVEN IN MY PANTS

YET?

HA HA!

>> LOOK! THERE HE IS!

>> WILT CHAMBERLAIN.

THIS IMPRESSIVE SPECIMEN HAS

ONCE AGAIN THRUST HIS ATHLETIC

PROWESS INTO THE WET, WARM WALLS

OF VICTORY.

HOW DO YOU DO IT, WILT?

>> IT'S JUST CONFIDENCE, HOWARD.

I'VE BEEN SECURE WITH MY MANHOOD

IN EVERY WAY.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ THUD! ]

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> OKAY, LET'S SEE WILT'S STILT.

[ WHISTLE! ]

[ WAH-WAH-WAH! ]

>> WHO COULD KNOW?

HE'S GOT SUCH BIG FEET.

>> Frankenstein: I TOLD YOU

GUYS!

>> SORRY ABOUT THIS, EVERYBODY.

[ POP! ]

>> YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED, SIR!

>> YOU GUYS SHOULD TRY

GARY COLEMAN.

BELIEVE ME.

>> COLEMAN? I'M ON IT!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

THANKS FOR THE PENIS.

>> WHAT YOU IMPLYIN'?

[ STUDIO AUDIENCE CHEERS,

APPLAUDS ]

[ MACHINERY WHIRRING ]

>> Frankenstein: IT'S MOVING.

IT'S MOVING!

IT'S ALIVE!

ALIVE!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Polidori: MUST YOU ALWAYS DO

THAT?

>> Frankenstein: YEAH, BUT IT'S

FUNNY THIS TIME BECAUSE IT'S HIS

PEE-PEE.

>> Polidori: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> * OH, ZIP-A-DEE-DOO

AND DIDDLY-DOC *

* I GOT A HOT, HOT DATE

AND A NEW BLACK... *

>> PENIS AND DOODLE-DOO!

>> OH. HERE HE COME.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> GOOD EVENING.

I'M TELLING YOU, THIS THING IS A

DUD.

THEY STILL ACT LIKE THEY'RE NOT

INTO IT.

>> MR. JEFFERSON, PERHAPS IT

ISN'T THE PENIS.

PERHAPS YOU NEED ADDITIONAL

BLACK ATTRIBUTES TO COMPLEMENT

THE PENIS.

>> YEAH, LIKE TWO PENISES.

>> NO.

LOOK, RACE IS MORE THAN JUST A

PENIS OR TWO.

>> THRE PENISES.

>> NO! GET PAST THE PENISES.

>> Frankenstein: I THINK I KNOW

WHAT PRESIDENT OBAMA IS SAYING.

WE NEED TO DISSECT DIFFERENT

SPECIFIC FEATURES FROM SEVERAL

BLACK MEN AND MAKE YOU INTO A

BLACK EQUIVALENT OF MY

MULTI-CADAVERED CREATURE!

>> FOU PENISES!

>> MAYBE IF YOU TRIED A LITTLE

RESPECT AND --

>> Frankenstein: YGOR, FOLLOW

ME!

WE HAVE SOME INTER-CHRONOLOGICAL

KIDNAPPING TO DO!

>> Ygor: YOU GOT IT!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Polidori: I GIVE YOU THE

BROTHER OF FRANKENSTEIN.

>> OH, BOY!

THE HANDS OF O.J., THE HEART OF

FREDERICK DOUGLASS!

[ Deeply ] THE VOICE OF

BARRY WHITE.

[ Normal ] I CAN'T FAIL!

>> LOOK, I-I-I REALLY THINK

YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE WRONG ROAD

HERE.

>> OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW,

HALF-BLACK?

>> MR. OBAMA'S RIGHT.

>> OH, GREAT.

ONE GUY AGREES WITH ME AND IT

HAS TO BE IKE TURNER.

>> SEE, YOU GOT IT IN YOUR HEAD

THE WAY TO PLEASE A WOMAN IS TO

SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO

PLEASE HER.

AND, MY BROTHER, NOTHING COULD

BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

>> I DON'T THINK I FOLLOW.

>> IT'S LIKE THIS.

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

* YOU'VE GOT TO NEVER LET A LADY

THINK YOU CARE *

* YOU'LL NEVER WIN HER FANCY

PLAYIN' SUAVE AND DEBONAIR *

* THROW AWAY YOUR CARDS AND

FLOWERS *

>> * GIVE THE GIFT OF GOLDEN

SHOWERS *

[ GUITAR STRUMS ]

>> * NEVER LET A LADY THINK YOU

CARE *

>> * NEVER SHOW A GIRL YOUR

TENDER SIDE *

* SHOW HER OSCAR

* NEVER FELIX

* HOLD THE JEKYLL

* GIVE HER HYDE

>> * SHE'LL BE PUTTY IN YOUR

HANDS WHEN YOU'RE HITTING ON HER

FRIENDS *

>> * OH, NEVER LET A LADY THINK

YOU CARE *

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> THAT'S NONSENSE.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE --

[ BOTH SNORING ]

>> * ALWAYS BE WITHHOLDING OF

AFFECTION *

* RESERVE YOUR "I LOVE YOUs" FOR

WHEN SHE'S SERVICING YOUR

ERECTION *

>> * SHE'LL LEARN THAT SEX WINS

LOVE *

* SURE AS A COOKIE FROM PAVLOV

>> * NEVER LET A LADY THINK YOU

CARE *

>> * WE ALL KNOW HOW

PRINCE CHARMING, WITH A KISS,

SAVED SLEEPING BEAUTY *

>> * BUT A REAL MAN WOULD HAVE

HELD OUT *

* TILL HE TAPPED THAT NAPPIN'

BOOTY *

>> * AND, NO, WE DON'T MEAN

"TAP" LIKE FRED ASTAIRE *

* NEVER LET A LADY THINK YOU

CARE *

>> * GIVE HER LENNON,

NOT McCARTNEY *

* HOLD THE ERNIE

* GIVE HER BERT

>> * GIVE HER SISKEL OVER

EBERT *

* ALWAYS COURTNEY, NEVER KURT

>> * GIVE GOOFUS

* DON'T BE GALLANT

>> * ADD SOME ABBOTT

* HOLD COSTELLO

>> * AND GIVE HER REAL

BILL COSBY *

* NOT THAT FRIENDLY ONE WITH

JELL-O *

>> * NEVER LET A LADY

>> * TAKE A TIP FROM

WARREN BEATTY *

>> * NEVER LET A LADY THINK YOU

CARE *

>> BRILLIANT!

SO I DON'T NEED A BIG, BLACK

PENIS OR ANY OF YOUR BODY PARTS

AFTER ALL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> GREAT!

I GUESS DR. FRANKENSTEIN CAN

JUST RETURN THEM ALL TO THEIR

ORIGINAL --

OH.

UM...

ANYWAY...BACK TO 1776.

I'VE GOT SOME NOT-CARING TO DO.

[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * THE DECLARATION

OF MEN-DEPENDENCE *

>> * MEN-DEPENDENCE

>> WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE

SELF-EVIDENT -- THAT ALL MEN ARE

CREATED EQUALLY SUPERIOR TO THE

WOMAN.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

>> NO, HE DIDN'T.

>> THAT THEY ARE WELL-ENDOWED BY

THEIR CREATOR, MR. GOD, WITH

CERTAIN UNALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT

AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY,

AND THE PURSUIT OF WET, WARM --

>> SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

>> I'M TALKIN' ABOUT

MEN-DEPENDENCE.

>> * MEN-DEPENDENCE

>> * THE DECLARATION OF

MEN-DEPENDENCE *