All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 6x02 - Simon Says.TVC_ASTRD_TVLAMERS.en-en

CREDITS

Hello?

Mr McGuire?

Can you hear me?

Just wanted to say I saw what happened
and it wasn't your fault.

If you want me to go to the police,
I'd be happy to make a statement.

Maybe I should just do that.

Hello?

Sorry, who is this?

My name is Simon.

I saw the incident tonight
outside of your club.

Well, I filmed the whole thing.

You'd better come up.

- Let me take a photo of you!
- Read my lips...

I don't get why
you're being so...

- I don't care!
- Get off right now!

You can see, he's the one
that touches you first,

and all you did
was push him back.

Exactly. It was an accident.

Oh, definitely.

He just came up to me
and started yelling.

- Did you recognise him?
- No.

Never seen him
before in my life.

You have actually met him a dozen
times at various conventions.

His name's Gavin.

- Well, he could've had a knife,
or anything. - Oh, yes.

And that's why you had to
smash his head on the cobbles.

- I didn't do that!
- I know.

Like you said, it was...
an accident.

Is that the National Television
Award that we won for season three?

"We"?

Well... voted for by the fans.

Can I touch it?

They're heavy, aren't they?

Smash someone's
brains in with this!

Listen, Simon, I'm thinking it
might be best to get rid of this.

Better not to have it on record.
You see what I'm saying?

Oh, but it proves
that you're innocent.

Even so...
I think I should delete it.

Oh, no, I...

Oh, well.

- So, do you think he'll want
to press charges? - Who?

This Gavin chap.

I shouldn't think so. He's dead.

What?

Yeah, I checked on him after you'd
ran off, and he wasn't breathing.

Oh, God!

Don't worry.

I sorted it for you.

No-one will ever know
you even touched him.

I have to say, though,
he did have a point.

What do you mean?

Well, what he was saying
about season seven.

Not this again.

Well, some people did
think the ending was...

We always knew the ending was
going to be deliberately low-key.

- Or boring.
- It wasn't boring!

It was diminuendo.

Ninth Circle was always
a very cerebral show.

Very dialogue-led.

Anyway, now's not the
time to be debating this!

What did you mean when you
said you've "Sorted it"?

- I moved him.
- Why?

Well, so he wouldn't be
found outside your club.

All the fan community
know that you go there,

especially after
award ceremonies.

I'm sorry you didn't win, by the way,
but that was hardly a surprise, was it?

I don't think they
should've booed you, though.

- You moved the body?
- Yeah.

I dragged him down to Embankment
and threw him in the Thames.

So,
now he'll just be another drunk

that fell off the bridge
in the middle of the night.

Why would you do that, Simon?

You've tampered
with a crime scene!

You ran off!

I did it for you, Mr McGuire.

Nobody saw me.
I was only trying to help.

What were you doing skulking in
the shadows videoing me, anyway?

I have a podcast.

- 'Course you fucking do.
- It's called Circum Venting.

I was hoping to catch you and
ask you a few questions maybe.

I mean, sometimes,
after you've had a few drinks,

you do actually
talk to the fans.

Obviously, you weren't
in the mood tonight -

- as poor Gavin can testify.
- He was the one who attacked me!

Well... I can see you've got
a bit of clearing up to do.

Maybe I should be on my way.

Can I have my phone back,
please?

Let me give you some
money for a black cab.

It's the least I can do.

- Where do you have to get to?
- Sunderland.

Not sure it'll take me that far.

I'll make me way to King's
Cross, and I'll sleep on a bench.

I hope the police
don't question me.

I'm not very good
under pressure.

It's lovely to meet you, anyway.

Listen, Simon.

All things considered, it might
be best if you stay here tonight

and leave first
thing in the morning.

You can sleep in the guest room.

Is that where you keep the severed
head of Thaxos from season two?

- It is, yes.
- Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

Thank you, Mr McGuire.

The fans are going
to be so jealous.

Morning.

Did you sleep well?

Not really. How about you?

No. I was too excited.

Well, maybe you should
be making a move.

I made you a coffee, by the way.
Black with two sugars, isn't it?

Yes. Thank you.

I looked for a grapefruit,

cos I read in Empire that's
part of your breakfast routine,

but I couldn't find any.

I only do that when I'm writing.

I know.

That's why I wanted it.

When you were approached by Gavin,
he was brandishing this notebook.

- Do you remember?
- Vaguely.

Well, last night, I shoved it in
my bag and I forgot all about it,

but I took it out and
I started to read.

He's written a whole alternative
finale for Ninth Circle.

And Spencer...

Can I call you Spencer?

It is brilliant.

Fanfiction?

Well, no, it's more
sophisticated than that.

He clearly knows his stuff.

For example, we actually get to
see who lights the Flame of Aurora.

Nobody lights the
Flame of Aurora.

It's extinguished in the flood.

I know, literally a damp squib.
Anyway, Gavin's fixed that.

And we finally get a proper ending for
the whole Dante/Carter relationship.

What relationship?
They don't have a relationship!

Oh, that's not fair. You were
baiting us in that direction

- since the Pantheon episode.
- No, I wasn't!

The scene in the desert
where he's sucking his arm.

That was to get the
snake venom out!

It's one of the seven trials!

Well, anyway, they finally get
together, and it's really satisfying.

They're two heterosexual men.

Besides which, Carter died
in the series six finale.

Yeah,
and that was another mistake.

Gavin's brought him back.
Just read it, please.

I can't read it.

My agent would never allow it.

Well...
it's funny you should say that,

cos she's actually on her way
over to have a meeting about it.

And, contrary to what you might
think, she sounded really keen.

What do you mean,
she's on her way over?!

Please don't be mad, but I used your
phone when you were in the shower.

- What?! - Just thought
it was worth putting in a call

and sounding her out about it.

She loves the idea, and she's
delighted you've relented.

I haven't relented! This is
just a fantasy world, Simon.

- I think you should go!
- Well, I...I can't go.

I said I'd stay here and
take notes at the meeting.

There isn't going
to be a meeting.

But what about my podcast?

I'm not going to do your
stupid fucking podcast.

- Do you know how many times a week
I get asked to do podcasts? - No.

Well, let me tell you,
it's a lot!

And it gives me great pleasure to
say "No" to every single one of them.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

At least I've got some video
footage of you from last night.

Maybe I could put
that up instead.

Come up.

Was that a threat?

Are you threatening me?

I deleted that footage,
remember?

From the phone.

It's still in the Cloud.

Don't look at me like that,
Spencer.

I'm on your side, remember?

Hello. Loretta Lamb.

- You must be Simon.
- That's right, yes.

Lovely to meet you at last.

I've been telling Spencer
for ages to get himself a PA.

Hello, darling!

What a lovely surprise!

Sorry about the
awards last night.

It's all meaningless,
as you know.

Except when one of
my clients wins,

in which case, it's
absolutely the right decision.

Did you have a late night?

Er, no, no, I-I just
came straight back home.

Eddie said he saw
you at your club.

Well, I had a swift one,
obviously, but...

He wanted to be fresh
for today's meeting.

- It's exciting, isn't it?
- Yes.

I have to say, I'm very shocked.

Why the U-turn?

You said you'd rather cut your
own dick off and sit in vinegar

than go back to Ninth Circle.

Did you really say that?

Well, I've been working
on this show for 12 years.

Which is why I'm so surprised
you wanted to bring it back!

I thought you wanted to have a crack at
something a bit more Jimmy McGovern-y.

You know, all that yearning
and Universal Credit.

Something to dampen the
gussets of the awards panels.

Oh, sounds a bit grim.

I think doing a proper ending for
Ninth Circle is much more appealing,

wouldn't you say, Spence?

Well, I certainly don't
want to rush into anything.

I just want to know
what my options are.

Well, the good news is, I put
in a quick call to Mitch at AMC,

and he's thrilled with the idea.

And the fans would be
very excited, I'm sure.

I wouldn't be doing
it for the fans.

I'd be doing it for my
own personal reasons.

Which is exactly
as it should be.

So, can I tell them any details?

Is there an outline?

What stage are we at?

We have an outline.

Some very exciting
plot developments.

Characters doing things they
should've done in the first place.

Just so I've got this right,

would this be a replacement for the
controversial series seven finale?

- No.
- Yes.

- Well...
- Yes and no.

I haven't really
thought it through yet.

'Course you have!
Don't be so modest.

To give you an example, Loretta,
guess who lights the Flame of Aurora?

Oh, I've no idea, darling.
I haven't seen it.

All that Dungeons & Dragons
stuff leaves me cold.

- It's not Dungeons & Dragons!
- Well, you know what I mean.

Well, anyway, it's Calculus.

- Calculus?!
- Yeah.

Calculus is a baby!

Yeah, he crawls towards it and
takes it in his little fist.

The whole thing is inadvertent.

The whole thing
is fucking stupid.

It's not stupid.
It's the way it should be.

The previous ending
was all Dante's dream.

- That's how we're squaring it.
- Oh! Like Dallas.

I'll get you some biscuits.

Well, I'm so pleased you've
changed your mind, Spencer.

I didn't want to say
anything at the time,

but the original script was
hated by pretty much everyone.

Everyone?

The actors hated it,
the execs hated it.

Even the caterers hated it, and
half of them can't even read.

Well, that's nice to hear,
coming from my own agent.

Oh, come on.

You know it's my job to shield
you from anything harmful.

And that's my job, too.

So, Loretta, when do you think we
should get the announcement out?

Wait, wait!
This is all moving too fast.

It's just that I know someone
that runs one of the fan sites,

and I'm sure he would
be willing to help out.

Maybe we could announce
it on his podcast?

- Oh, let's not dredge that up again.
- Why, Spencer?

What would you rather dredge up?

I just mean, isn't it a
bit cart before horse?

I don't think so.

And I don't know if Spencer
mentioned about a co-writing credit?

No, news to me.

Spencer?

Yes.

Simon's going to help me
out with this project.

As a fan, he understands the
Ninth Circle better than I do.

Yeah.

I know where all the
bodies are buried.

So, welcome back to this incredible
episode of Circum Venting,

with me, Simon Smethurst, and my very,
very special guest, Spencer McGuire!

So, Spence,
I have been digging through

some of the old message boards
from the series finale last year.

Palehorse92 said,
"They ruined my show."

"The writing was terrible
from season four onwards."

That's from Bruiserfan.

"I normally like McGuire's scripts,
"but this really was a piece of ship."

What do you think
he means by that?

I think he means
"A piece of shit".

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,
that would make more sense.

Er, how does it feel, Spencer,
when you hear comments like that?

Because presumably, you didn't set
out to write a terrible ending?

No, I certainly didn't.

We planned for a long
time for the denouement,

and aimed for something that
would be true to the show's ethos,

but would also be surprising.

But you do accept now that
you failed to do that?

Not necessarily.

I always trust my own instincts

cos, without those,
as a writer, where would I be?

Well, maybe higher than a 31%
rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don't write for the people
who vote in online polls.

Oh, so who do you write for?

For myself, primarily.

Right, so you were pleased
with the last episode?

Yes. And we got a five-star review
in the Sydney Morning Herald,

so I wasn't the only one.

So, you listen to the good
reviews, just not the bad ones?

No, I...
try to keep an open mind.

Right, well, where I think
you've been very, very brave is

you haven't just shut yourself
off and said you know best.

You've listened to the fans and
you've taken on board our opinions.

Because I know,
with this new episode,

you want it to be a collaboration
with the fandom, don't you?

Yes. The show started out as an authored
work, a singular vision that I created

after many years of
experience in the industry.

And, now, it's become a property
that everyone is invested in,

and it exists purely to be pulled in
whatever direction the viewers decide.

Correct! Speaking of which, here's a
question that just popped into my head.

Would you ever consider
running a competition

to give a fan a part
in the new episode?

Are you fucking serious?

Oh, we're going to have
to bleep that. Sorry.

- Of course not!
- But why?

Well, because... they'd have
to be able to act, for a start.

Well, that's not hard, is it?

"My family have been wronged,
Dante.

"Is this nothing?

"You call this nothing?!

"For three winters now,
our fields have remained fallow.

"And so I ask you - nay, I demand -
where is your justice now?"

And the first person to tweet
me what episode that's from

will get a Circum Venting
badge and a wordsearch.

No. I don't think it's right to
be auctioning off parts for fans.

And, yet, there is a role, in
the new episode, of the Baron,

who turns against his brother,
kills him

and, straight away,
seduces his brother's wife -

without giving away
too many spoilers.

Oh, of course,
you wouldn't want to do that.

And, when I read it, you know who I
immediately visualised in that part?

- Who?
- Me.

Are you joking?

No. The way he manipulates the
situation to get whatever he wants...

You don't think that's
something I'd be good at?

We only use professional actors.

Well, let's ask the Circlers.

Write in, let me know in the comments,
and I'm going to set up a poll!

Should Simon be allowed to star in the
new episode, as well as co-writing it?

Get voting, guys.
It's our show now!

I just think you've let yourself
down in these last few pages.

OK, fuck it! Get rid of it...

"...my family, Carter.
Things will change on my return."

"Carter stands in his tent..."

And the results are in, guys.

And you will not believe it.

87% of you said "Yes", they want to see
me audition for the part of the Baron!

I'm so pleased, and thank you so
much for all of your thoughts.

I am going to be absolutely
brilliant in the part,

and I'm sure Spencer's
going to be...

_

_

_

"Hi, Spencer, I forgot my key."

Is this Mr McGuire?

Yes.

Sorry to disturb you.
We met on the awards night?

My name's Gavin.

Thing is, Mr McGuire,
it was all Simon's idea.

He can be very persuasive.

I just wanted you
to read my stories,

but he just said you'd throw
them away and never look at 'em.

That's probably true.

Had some fake blood left over from when
we did The Walking Dead at Comic-Con.

Can't believe you
didn't see me breathing.

You must've been very drunk.

Sorry. I'm so nervous.
I'm such a big fan.

I've brought some things for
you to sign, if you don't mind?

Yes, of course. I just need
to make one phone call.

I've got a nice big silver pen
for this, if you don't mind.

Can I speak to Loretta, please?

I can't believe you're going
to be making my episode!

It's Spencer McGuire.

Yes, I'll hold.

You know, something I always
wanted to ask you, Mr McGuire,

if you don't mind? You know when
Carter emerges from the swamp

in season one episode four,
and he looks up at the fruit -

what was he thinking then?

I don't fucking know.
It was ten years ago.

What's going on?

Simon! This is Gavin.

I believe you two
know each other?

Like Carter, he seems to
have come back from the dead.

What are you doing here, Gavin?
You've ruined everything.

Couldn't help yourself,
could you?

You said I'd be able
to have access to him.

"Eventually" I
said "eventually"!

I want some time
with Mr McGuire.

It's not fair, you having him all
to yourself that wasn't the plan.

Of course it was!
You're supposed to be dead!

Loretta, can you give me a call
back as soon as possible, please?

Something urgent I have
to discuss with you.

I was waiting for him to sign a contract
so he couldn't back out of it, dummy!

Yeah, all the while living with
him and doing podcasts with him!

Set yourself up as the
queen bee of the fandom!

I've got an actual
relationship with him,

not some sort of fantasy
world that's all made up!

I'm his equal. He respects me.
Don't you, Spencer?

He doesn't even know you!

Did you tell him you have Photoshopped
pictures of him with no clothes on?

They were DMed to you in private.
It was not for a public forum!

All right, that's enough.

Now,
I don't want to press charges,

but, unless you leave my property
now, I will go to the police.

Spencer... the project.

What, did you really think
I'd revisit my own work

and overwrite it
with this dogshit?

I thought you liked it.

Well, I had to say that,
didn't I?

But you've got
nothing over me now.

I'm not writing any more
Ninth Circle. Why would I?

Because, for some people,
it's more than just a TV show.

We only want to
celebrate what you do.

Oh, get out!

You should be flattered
that we care so much.

Think you would've had seven
seasons without a big fanbase?

Oh, so suddenly you're the
reason for my success, are you?

Well, in part, yes.

We're the ones who spend all our
money on DVDs and merchandise.

We're the ones who
go to the conventions

and pay, what, 60 quid for a
selfie with Michael Maloney,

because he was an
advocate in season one.

We do it because we care.

We're a community of loyal friends
that love each other very much.

And if you can't see that,
Mr McGuire, then...

I pity you.

Come on, Simon.

How dare you!

You call yourself a fan?

What gives you the right to question
this great man's integrity?!

To think that this beautiful
thing that he has created

has become the sickening glue,
the catnip,

the flame that has drawn
you insects together!

Like a nest of wasps in an attic, it's
given you a misplaced sense of agency.

There may be a lot of you,
but you don't have a voice.

You don't!

You're just pests.

You're pests who
need fumigating!

Simon...

What have you done?

You said yourself -
I had nothing over you.

Well, now I have.

Wh-what are you talking about?

Think about it.

You've just delivered a draft script
that you've stolen from a fan.

The fan finds out about it,
comes to confront you...

- And you've killed him to shut him up.
- No...

No,
I'm going to call the police.

I'm going to tell
them the truth.

You make up stories
for a living.

I've got the video
footage of you

fighting with Gavin
and pushing him down.

I've got the notebook
in his handwriting.

His fingerprints
all over the place.

It doesn't look good, does it?

Come on, Spencer.

You've already killed him once.

This just makes it
more believable.

I really don't want
to send you to prison.

But I would.

I just want us to be together.

You know it's the only option,
Spencer.

Some things just feel right.

You make yourself comfortable.

Don't want him looking at us,
do we?

You see...

together, we're stronger.

We can rule this
kingdom forever...

And ever...

and ever.

Sorry about the mess.

I hope it doesn't stain.

So, how did he get on?
Did he get it?

Get what?

The audition!

Killing me, seducing you...

It's the Baron's story arc.

He said you didn't think
he was right for the part,

so he wanted to persuade you.

I'm sorry for lying.

Oh, God!

Did you like the big
speech about the insects?

I wrote that.

Yes, it was very convincing.

Before he comes back, can I get
you to sign those things now?

I'm so excited to be working
with you, Mr McGuire.

I think we're going to
make a great partnership.

Your stories are fantastic, but I always
felt your dialogue was a bit weak.

That's... that's...

Can you make this one out to...?

Five-star reviews
across the board.

The Guardian says, "This has
rejuvenated McGuire's career."

Variety say, "Finally,
we get the ending we deserved."

- It's a triumph, darling.
- Good!

Now, I spoke to Mitch last night, and he
doesn't want to give you another series.

- Really?
- No.

He wants to give
you two more series!

That takes us on to season nine.

I hope you've got
plenty of ideas.

Oh, I'm sure I'll be able
to think of something.

Jolly good.

And If you want any help, there's
plenty of young writers out there

who'd be happy being paid
peanuts just to work with you.

Well, why pay them at all?

I can always steal their ideas
and then dump them in the Thames.

You are funny!

Well, I'll let you get on
and enjoy your morning.

Oh, and one last thing.

Did you have a short quote to
give me for the press release?

One line will do.

Just say, "I did it...

"I did it for the fans."

CREDITS