Original subtitles

I think it's important to remember

just because you had a bad day

doesn't mean you're a bad dog.

You're a good dog, Elsa. You're a good dog.

Good dog.

I prefer not to be limited

by the gooddog/baddog binary.

It's a spectrum,

and I live somewhere between compliant and frisky.

You know, I think I'm somewhere

between not a dog and a cat.

I'm all cat, baby.

Domestic in the shack, feral in the sack.

Yuck.

If The Gray One is done humiliating himself...

Never. I have a share.

I've been thinking about the untimely loss of Big Cookie,

our furry friend and group member,

And it's brought up a lot of feelings about...

myself.

Will I ever find love again? [barking]

Come back here, you stinking tree rats!

Or am I destined to a life of random backyard trysts?

Oh, you think you can hide from me?

Nameless, faceless encounters under the trampoline.

I know you're around here somewhere.

Just pounding, pounding away in darkness.

Whoa.

Chief, you're not supposed to be in here during group.

Come on out.

I eat furry little freaks like you for breakfast.

I know you're not talking to me.

Aha! I see you nut hustlers,

and I'm coming for you!

Dude, you know the squirrels are on the other side of the

[grunts]

Glass.

[squirrels chattering]

Go on, Shel.

You were pounding, pounding away in the dark?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow

♪ Ruff, ruff ♪ Meow, meow

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ Meow, meow, meow

♪ Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow

[music crescendos]

♪

[laughing]

We're frolicking! Frolicking hard!

Go long!

I got it!

Luckily, I'm a merdog.

[whimsical music]

♪

[yelps] Ah!

I'm so sorry, I thought you were a

A ball? I know you [bleep] merdogs

think everything's a [bleep] ball.

Jellyfish are so angry.

Big Cookie? Goodbye, Honey.

Big Cookie, where are you going?

My ride's here. Say goodbye, Honey.

No! Come back!

♪

I can drive and stick my head out the window?

This is heaven!

[whimpering] Big Cookie, come back.

[snoring]

[sighs] Chief, wake up.

Yeah, what? I'm up.

[grunts]

Listen, I had that dream again.

Not the one where I'm human,

but I can still poop anywhere...

Uhhuh.

But the one where I'm a gorgeous merdog,

and Big Cookie drives away in the heaven car.

Uhhuh. Wonder what it means.

Mmhmm, mmhmm, you know, I had a dream last night.

Really? Yeah, I mean,

it's kinda hard to remember all the details,

but the basic gist of it was...

[farts]

[laughs] I walked right into that one.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I actually really did have a dream last night.

Oh, for real? Okay, wow, what was it?

[farts] That one was my fault.

[farts] All right, now it's too much.

[farts]

Okay, let's wrap up the fart jokes.

Actually those stopped being jokes two farts ago.

I've heard Jill tell her patients

that sometimes a dream is just a dream,

but this one has to mean something

Hey, you're a dog! I'm a dog!

We're dogs.

[laughs] Dogs.

Well, that's a good point,

but I still think there's a deeper meaning.

Wait, I know what it is!

Now that Big Cookie's in the heaven car,

there's an open spot on the couch!

It's time to introduce a new member to the group!

Nailed it!

[warm music]

Run free! Ooh, ooh.

Mine. Mine.

Mine. Mine.

Mine. And mine.

[laughs]

Who could benefit from some therapy

but also not scoot on Jill's rug?

You wanna get in on this? [laughs]

Me? No.

[chuckles] I'm flattered, but no.

Bingo.

Oh, wait, that's not his name. It's Diablo.

It's not the same here without Big Cookie, huh?

No.

I know you lost your best friend,

but you've still got your vest friend.

I'm talking about me.

I got that, Elsa. Yeah.

I'm free now if you want to dig into the trauma

of your sudden and devastating loss.

Oh, that's okay. I'm actually good, thanks.

You're not, but I'm here when you're ready.

[whispers] Poor thing.

Hey, Diablo. Oh, hey, Honey.

Are you tired of having complicated emotions

and not knowing how to process them?

No, but I am scared of the toaster.

Perfect, a spot has opened up in my group

if you're interested in joining.

Will there be toasters there? One.

But I'll make it stay in the kitchen.

[humming]

Well, well, well. Who is that?

Just about the most fetching tortoise

I've ever laid eyes on.

Oh, my goodness, my heart is all aflutter.

Dare I introduce myself?

Greetings, I

Oh, wait, no, no!

I shall return!

[upbeat music]

Okay, sweeties, see you tonight.

[laughs]

Oh, my God. This is it.

She's leaving us forever like she does every day!

And Bubbles, stay out of the liquor cabinet.

And they say women aren't funny.

[munching]

I'm just not ready for a new member.

Yes, it feel too soon to replace Big Cookie.

Yeah, Tabitha's right.

Agreeing with Tabitha's

not gonna get you into her fur, man.

I hear you, guys, but Big Cookie was my best friend,

and you know what she'd say about moving on.

[Australian accent] Aw, it's about time.

Good on, ya!

Why are you making her Australian?

Listen, mama, we don't wanna open our safe space

to some random wirehaired

sweater wearing halfbreed.

I haven't really been to therapy before.

Do the sessions always start like this?

I would like to flag... Here we go.

That I was triggered when Max used the term "halfbreed."

So can we please use the term "Mosaic Canine"?

I'm triggered by the fact that you look like a piñata

mated with a loaf of bread.

Well, you look like a [stammers]

Honey! Bubbles, can you please

keep your comments to yourself?

You're not an official member of the group.

Oh, right, let me just move my bowl.

Why don't we all go around the room

and tell Diablo a little bit about ourselves.

This is why I dread new members.

I'm Honey, I'm passionate about working on myself,

and peanut butter.

Uh, same re: peanut butter.

Uh, crazy. I never talked about that.

Um, I'm Elsa, service dog. Thank you.

Uh, I answer to she/her/hers and... [whistles]

And I'm kind of the unofficial

coleader of the group.

She's not! Nope.

Well, I'm Max.

I belong to a big, famous movie star.

These guys know I can't reveal his identity,

the NDA and all,

but let's just say his name was Ocean,

and he had 11 friends.

And then 12. And then 13.

And then he had 8, and they were all chicks.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm Tabitha, Pretty Kitty Kitty Litter's

"Prettiest Kitty" 2010 to 2014.

I'm The Gray One. I live with a nice lady

and anywhere from 40 to 60 other cats.

[all meowing]

And I know every word to the movie, "In Her Shoes."

I'm Chico. I have a really happy,

healthy relationship with my best friend and owner, Kevin,

and when he leaves, I eat uncontrollably,

but when he comes back I'm fine,

so I'm just here for maintenance.

My name is Nibbles,

and I'm mourning the loss of my mate.

She killed him and ate his face!

It was selfdefense!

Maybe. Tchotchke?

Adorable.

So, Diablo, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

I feel like you weren't picking up

what I was laying down earlier about my human, right?

Any guesses? He was the best Batman.

He owns a tequila company.

Guys! [panting]

Sorry I'm late.

I have incredible news.

As you know, it's been 15 years since

Uh, who's this?

Ignore him. Okay.

It's been 15 years since my sweet Darla's disappearance,

and I have often wondered if my chance for happiness

vanished with her.

Uh, Shel, we have a new member,

and it's his turn to share.

I've met someone! Yeah!

Her shell is the most exotic shade of brownish.

But I fear it may be too soon

for me to get back out there. Feedback?

You shouldn't feel guilty. Darla is probably dead.

Yeah, you should hit that. I agree.

Okay, Diablo, let's hear from you now.

Okay, um My human's got new kitten!

Tabitha! We'll get to you after Diablo.

Kay? Okay.

Her name is Kit Kat.

She's getting lot, lot attention.

And you know, I get it, she's cute,

she fit in a drinking glass.

You know what I used to fit into?

A shot glass.

[grunts]

[meows]

It hurt, but I did it. You know why?

Because it was cute, people love it.

But now, it's like I'm invisible.

I might as well be Chico. I'm sorry, what?

Wow, everybody has so much to talk about today.

Kind of wish we could have discussed

some of this last session

when we spent an hour trying to describe the color green.

I still say it's bumpy.

Okay, well, we're not going back there.

Whatwhat I'd like to do

is make our new member feel welcome.

Diablo, why don't you jump in

and tell us a little bit about your

Yes, the coyote sightings.

Oh, is that what I was gonna talk about?

Yes. How's everybody coping?

Elsa, please!

Wait, there's a coyote in the neighborhood?

All the raccoons are talking about it.

My cousin ran off with a coyote.

Completely blew up her life,

and now she lives with him in the wild.

I don't even think she knows about my vest.

Ran off into the wild? Like an animal?

That is so... [laughs]

Dangerous. You know what?

Let's table the coyote discussion for now

and let Diablo have the floor

for the remainder of the session.

Okay, well, um, my humans are getting a divorce

Sorry, I've gotta flag it.

We're out of time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no. Thatthat's fine.

It's George Clooney! I live with George Clooney!

God, what the hell is wrong with you?

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

[growls] Ow!

I can't believe how rude they were to Diablo.

They weren't even open to him at all.

Talk about not being open. Ow.

It's time for us all to move on.

Oh, he's always liked you better.

[munching]

Thank God Jill's never plopped some stupid goldfish

in my bowl and expected me to live happily ever after.

You've got a lot of anger

packed into that squishy fish body of yours.

I can help you with that. Gross.

[snoring]

[yawns] [grunts]

[howling]

[dramatic music]

♪

[gasps] The coyote.

Wait, all I have to do

is spend the night

in this haunted, chicken flavored mansion,

and it's all mine? [laughs]

Okay.

[upbeat music]

So you guys know I'm totes kewl,

but it is three minutes past the starting time, and we

Yeah, no, I know what time it is, Elsa.

I can smell.

I was hoping Diablo was just running late

because he got pinned under a leaf or something,

but it's clear he's not coming today,

and I think I know why. He sucks!

No, I think it has more to do with the way he was treated.

I can't stay silent any longer!

The session haven't even started yet.

I took your advice and made an overture

towards my potential paramour.

But it turns out, um,

I misinterpreted the situation.

I could get lost in those eyes.

I feel we both want the same thing,

but please let me know if I'm misreading your signals.

[moaning squeakily]

[funky music]

Falling for you...

♪

Huh?

She was a shoe.

A Croc, to be specific.

I didn't realize until after we made love.

That seems late.

You're the ones who told me to hit that,

and I did, hard.

Well, okay, we didn't exactly have all the information.

Dude, I like this for you.

I've been waiting 15 years someone to look at me

the way I thought that Croc was looking at me.

The reminds me of a story

that Leo DiCaps once told me about a flipflop.

Miami Film Festival No, NO!

Every session, all I do is listen to you,

but do I ever get a turn? Feels like she does.

I don't, Tabitha.

Yes, I heard your very loud stage whisper.

The way you treated Diablo last time

was not okay. Not okay!

Elsa, not now! Not now!

We're supposed to be here for each other.

We were all here for Tabitha

when Stelios dyed her hot pink,

for Elsa when her owner left her at the Fyre Festival,

and for Max when he farted on Dame Judi Dench.

[farts]

And we should have been here for Diablo.

He needed us.

Well, the group was already a little dog heavy.

And we need him to fill Big Cookie's spot.

With all due respect, Doctor Honey,

we told you we weren't ready for a new member.

And you ignored us.

I'm still processing.

Can we get back to me? all: No!

Tchotchke's upset!

I think you were doing what was for you

and not what was best for us.

I expect that kind of crap from my humans and Elsa,

but not from you. Me?

And Max. No, Nibbles is the worst.

All right, I did it! I killed them!

I killed them all! That's hot.

So I'm hearing that you all

don't trust my judgment on this one,

and if I've lost everyone's trust,

then I can't help you.

You know where the doggie door is.

Kitchen, right?

Mmm, I won't lie.

The other night was magical,

but we both know that this will never work...

[crying]

I promised myself I wouldn't cry!

You awakened a part of me...

[sobbing]

But it's not fair to you... So, bye.

[dramatic music]

[barking] [growls]

Hey, do you wanna play

"It'smyballno it'smyballnoit'smyball?"

Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped.

There's a bee in this flower. A real jerk too.

He's all, "Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz."

Thinks he's so great.

Okay, well, just don't get stung.

[laughs] Okay, yeah,

I think I know a little something

about bees and flowers, thank you very much.

But hit me up again about ball later.

[barking]

[crying] Can Big Cookie hear us?

[crying]

I don't know, sweetheart.

Why don't we just get a new dog?

We can't move on until we say goodbye.

[somber music]

[crying]

[sighs]

Oh, I get it now.

There's been an escalation!

[all screaming]

Get the EpiPen!

[upbeat music]

Well, thank you all for coming

to this emergency session. It wasn't convenient.

I want to apologize for the way things ended last time.

You guys were right,

I pushed Diablo on you before you were ready

because I thought replacing Big Cookie

would be easier than saying goodbye.

Would that be considered denial or bargaining?

I'm just trying to gauge how many stages of grief

you have left. I've got places to be.

Ah, thank you for your sensitivity, Max.

This shouldn't take long. [chuckles]

Um, losing Big Cookie illuminated some things

in my own life that I need to...

[grunting]

Express!

And I'm sad

that she's not here for me to talk to.

You can talk to us. Or just me.

I mean, why else are we here?

It's not for the snacks, 'cause I don't see any!

There will never be snacks. Just drop it.

[yelps] Thank you, Tchotchke.

Aw, okay.

Anyone else wanna share?

I'm good.

I have fully processed the situation.

"The Fault in Our Stars" was on last night,

so I'm all cried out. Really?

In mourning Big Cookie, I've learned that life,

no matter how excruciatingly long, is short.

So I'm not going to pass up a chance for happiness.

I want to make a life with Lindsay.

Who?

The Croc. That's what I named her.

And look, I don't care if she is a shoe.

In fact, maybe it's a plus!

As a petroleumbased foam resin,

not only will she never die,

she'll never biodegrade.

Yeah, so thank you, Honey,

for steering me in the right direction.

Shel, I'm not sure I was Yeah, you're welcome.

Oh, sorry I'm late, guys. Diablo!

My schedule has been 14, 15, 16crazy!

So what's up?

Diablo, I want to apologize. Diablo, I want to apologize.

Don't do that. Got it.

Diablo, I want to apologize on behalf of the group.

You didn't get to share because we failed you.

These sessions are meant to provide a safe place,

an oasis of calm [loud thumping]

An oasis [loud thumping]

An oasan o [loud thumping]

An oasis of calm so you can feel your feelings!

Drop the stick!

What?

You have to drop the stick to get through the door.

Oh, okay, got it. [heavy breathing]

[grunts]

What? Two sticks?

Anyway, we apologize,

and we understand

why you didn't come to the session yesterday.

We had a session yesterday? Oh, I totally spaced.

This new custody arrangement is so confusing.

So we didn't hurt your feelings?

Because we really didn't want you here.

Are you kidding? You guys are my best friends.

Oh, that's sad. Kevin is my best friend.

Diablo, welcome to the group.

[warm music]

♪

Goodbye, Big Cookie.

You like to get weird?

Excuse me? You heard me.

Uh, no, thank you.

Dogs aren't allowed on the beach after 5:00!

Scram!

[upbeat music]

[munching]

It was a real tailwagger of a group today.

Hey, are you gonna finish your food?

And it, uh, got me thinking.

Uh, would you ever consider,

I don't know, um, joining the group?

So you are gonna finish, or...

Yes, I am,

and I mean, we've been living together a long time,

and it might help us, you know,

spice things up, uh,

and, um, connect on a

Ooh, I'm gonna go see if I can connect

with some of Jill's Lean Cuisine.

Well, you heard "connect." That's a win.

[howling]

[dramatic music]

♪

Oh, well. [gasps]

[funky music]

♪

Hey, you! Get out of here!

This is my house! My house!

[laughs]

Yeah! Did you see that?

I scared the hell out of

[heaving]

Oh, God, I think I gotta barf.

No, I'm okay. [laughs]

[vomiting]

Oh, I threw up.

I feel better. [heavy breathing]

Hey, are you okay? Yes, thank you.

Aw, no, come on. Anytime, babe.

Don't do it. What?

No. What?

No, I'm just making sure the coyote's gone.

Come on. I'll see you in there.

[munching] Aw, still warm.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪

Jellyfish, jellyfish, ball.

Wrong!

Ugh, why are merdogs so [bleep] stupid?

You know, I can help you with that anger.

[funky music]

♪

Oh, my...

Oh, yeah, baby.

Aren't you a little far from home?

The sea is my home. No, it's not.

Hey, Honey? Chief!

Hey, what's the bathroom situation down here?

Because I already went.

[majestic harp music]

You know you're not supposed to be in my dreams.

You just made it sound so cool down here.

[laughs] Hey, look what I can do.

[laughs] Oh!

[scarfing]

[stomach rumbles] Oh, uhoh.

Aw, Chief.

Hey, it's your dream, baby.

Bento. [cheering]

That's nice, Jen and Gabby.

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