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1
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:16,624
* If you're happy and you know
it, clap your hands *
2
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,650
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
3
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,346
* If you're happy
and you know it *
4
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,788
* Then motherfucking
show it *
5
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,492
* If you're happy
and you know it *
6
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,794
* Clap your
motherfucking hands *
7
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,355
* If you're happy
and you know it *
8
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:29,104
* Clap your hands!
9
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,400
( Lee wretches )
10
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:34,471
Thom: So, yesterday, I decided
to quit my job at MGT.
11
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,742
I'm trying to remember
when exactly,
12
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,370
at what point.
13
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,666
It may have been
that morning,
14
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:44,247
listening to Lee puking
and thinking about my life.
15
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,648
Did I really want
to waste
16
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,249
the rest of my life
writing ads?
17
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,822
( Lee continues retching )
18
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,650
Lee: I mean,
you're the shrink.
19
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,245
You're the psychiatrist.
20
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,857
How do you not know if
the Lexapro makes people puke?
21
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,590
A lot of people.
22
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,686
I mean, you're the doctor.
I went online.
23
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:03,158
I found this out
in five minutes.
24
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:06,227
I went to you looking
for some relief, all right?
25
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:08,337
I went to you because I thought
that maybe you could help me.
26
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:09,669
But instead what I found
27
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:13,573
was myself facing
the bottom of a toilet bowl
28
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,277
all fucking night long.
29
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,780
It's 6:30 in the morning.
Call me when you get this.
30
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,552
- ( phone beeps )
- Ugh!
31
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,121
Should I stay home?
32
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,650
No, no, no.
Don't, mm-mm.
33
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,224
I can't stay home.
34
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,393
I don't want you
to stay home.
35
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,590
Got this
agency meeting.
36
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,462
These 25-year-old
Swedish idiots
37
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,362
love agency meetings.
38
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:34,564
We're a family.
39
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,565
This corporation,
this carnivorous machine
40
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:38,898
that profits at the expense
41
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,302
of everyone
and everything around it,
42
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,235
they say this is a family.
43
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:44,811
The Manson Family.
44
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,538
You know,
unless you have kids,
45
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:47,784
I don't care
how much money you earn,
46
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,708
what company
you're CEO of,
47
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,453
don't call your
fucking company a family.
48
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,849
Thom, go to work.
49
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:57,391
- I can't stay home.
- I don't want you to stay home.
50
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,518
Should I just stay home?
51
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,752
( sighs )
52
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:04,628
Thom: Or maybe it was that
I finally started writing.
53
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,859
I had started
writing this story
54
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,325
a couple of days after
Larry killed himself, actually.
55
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,874
I don't know
what it means,
56
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:14,369
and I haven't got the slightest
idea how to end it.
57
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:15,902
I'm like God in that way--
58
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,636
great at starting worlds,
no idea how to end them,
59
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,582
and not really sure
they mean anything anyway.
60
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,639
The story is called...
61
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,647
"Skidmark Jesus."
62
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,749
It's about this guy,
Simon Blackwall.
63
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,494
He's kind of
a Christopher Hitchens,
64
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,820
Richard Dawkins type.
65
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,924
Scientist,
rationalist, atheist,
66
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,856
makes a killing
on the lecture circuit.
67
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,961
And tonight,
he's about to make
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00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,403
one of the most important
speeches of his career,
69
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,760
refusing God
and religion
70
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,497
and establishing
what he calls
71
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:47,343
the Church
of Exalted Existence.
72
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,568
"Millions saw the apple
fall from the tree,"
73
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:52,574
said Bernard Baruch.
74
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:56,536
"Newton was the only one
who asked why."
75
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,647
Reason.
76
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,479
- Not hocus--
- ( stomach rumbles )
77
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:02,975
( groans )
78
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,386
Thom: The thing about Simon,
though, is this--
79
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:08,359
he's got a beautiful house.
80
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,919
He's got a great career.
81
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:13,927
He's got a BMW
10,000 whatever I.
82
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:18,831
But he's miserable,
and he doesn't know why.
83
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,266
He's been having
these stomach pains lately,
84
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:24,672
but the doctors,
they can't find anything.
85
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,665
And then, that night,
86
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,677
Simon's life
changes forever.
87
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,979
( Simon groans )
88
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,910
Because there, inside
the crotch of his underwear...
89
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,546
Jesus.
90
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,022
...is a skid mark.
91
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,549
A shit stain.
92
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:38,945
Jesus Christ.
93
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,856
That looks exactly,
and I mean exactly,
94
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,429
like the Lord
Jesus Christ himself.
95
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,688
And Simon is freaked out,
96
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,897
because it doesn't
kind of look like Jesus,
97
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,729
like when they kind of
sort of find the Virgin Mary
98
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,365
in a Cinnabon or something.
99
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,701
This is an almost
photographic reproduction
100
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,836
of the son of God
out of shit,
101
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:01,281
right there in
Simon Blackwall's underpants.
102
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,580
And Simon, see,
he's a scientist.
103
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:07,822
He's a rationalist.
But he can't explain this.
104
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,578
The likeness is too exact.
105
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,447
The odds are too miniscule.
106
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,455
The chances,
too impossible.
107
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:19,758
Someone, he decides,
some thing made this happen.
108
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,844
Morning.
You working on Wonderbra?
109
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,609
( typing )
No.
110
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,469
What are you working on?
111
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,637
What does it matter?
112
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,006
Well, Gottfrid and Gustaff
113
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:38,884
have scheduled
an all-agency meeting
114
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,582
for 11:00, no exceptions.
115
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:41,884
Pretty sure that means you.
116
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,615
So the Wonderbra
creative review
117
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:44,791
has been moved to Friday,
118
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,088
so if you were working
on Wonderbra, then--
119
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,659
Lorna, I'm not working
on Wonderbra!
120
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,657
( typing continues )
121
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,298
( sighs )
Shit.
122
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,571
Lee:
Thom is gonna flip out.
123
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:04,914
- It's gorgeous.
- I know.
124
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,738
It's really gorgeous.
125
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:10,114
Okay, we've got,
like, seven hours
126
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,913
to turn this room
into a writer's office.
127
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,917
Okay, so are we wallpapering
and painting?
128
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,850
How Martha Stewart
is this project?
129
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,916
No, no. We're gonna
keep this really simple.
130
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,494
We're just gonna shove all
this shit into the basement.
131
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,655
We're gonna make
a quick trip to Ikea.
132
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,604
- Ikea?
- Just pick up a few things,
133
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:31,029
bring 'em home, put 'em
together before Thom gets back.
134
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,074
Lee, have you ever built
anything from Ikea?
135
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,940
It takes hours.
We'll never do it.
136
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,698
Yes, we will.
It's so easy.
137
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:37,837
We just need
to get a chair,
138
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:40,071
a bookcase,
and a writing desk.
139
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,137
Bella: A desk?
140
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,684
Honey, that's, like,
a month and a half.
141
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,711
You know, that's how
they torture prisoners
142
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,076
- at Abu Ghraib.
- Shut up.
143
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,824
I'm serious. They make them
build Ikea furniture.
144
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,550
They work on it
for months,
145
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,615
and then they realize that
they're missing two pieces
146
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,964
and a bag of screws.
147
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,159
You okay?
148
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,761
( exhales )
149
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,904
Lexapro.
150
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,830
That shit really
kicked your ass, huh?
151
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,865
Don't even get me
started on my ass.
152
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,570
Ring of fire.
153
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,712
That's what you get
for trying to be happy.
154
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:16,409
Okay. Ikea,
here we come.
155
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,284
I'm not kidding.
156
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,080
The prisoners are like,
"Not Ikea again.
157
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,852
Can't you just
waterboard me?"
158
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,681
Thom:
Or maybe I decided to quit
159
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,586
at Gottfrid's agency meeting.
160
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,758
( cheering )
161
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,496
Gottfrid:
Yeah.
162
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:37,499
Okay, MGT.
163
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,701
So I have two pieces
of good news,
164
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,444
one piece, bad news.
165
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:44,140
- Which first?
- Crowd: Good!
166
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,881
Okay, so we do good news,
bad news, good news.
167
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,578
Some of you already know
that there are some big changes
168
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,012
coming to MGT, yeah?
169
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,987
Gustaff and I have designed
a new and exciting workspace,
170
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:01,888
a space that will really
make the industry
171
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:05,932
stand up and take notice
and say, "Whoa.
172
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:09,699
That is not the MGT
we used to know."
173
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,570
Yeah? It will take some time,
though, to complete.
174
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,800
So, in the meantime,
175
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,865
we thought we'd start
with a small taste
176
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,574
of what's to come.
177
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:21,166
Yeah? Because we are
in the idea business, yes?
178
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:25,178
- Crowd: Yes!
- Groundbreaking ideas.
179
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,722
Yeah?
And business moves at...
180
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,778
Crowd:
The speed of ideas!
181
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,047
You don't have
to like it, but...?
182
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,694
Crowd:
You can't ignore it!
183
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,950
Yeah!
184
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,557
( cheering, applause )
185
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,659
Okay.
186
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,634
( speaks Swedish )
187
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:46,974
( gasping, cheering )
188
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,771
Gottfrid:
Hold on. Wait.
189
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,906
I just had a great idea
for the Army,
190
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,512
and business is moving
at the speed of ideas.
191
00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,945
I have to tell Gustaff.
But wait.
192
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,980
He's upstairs
in the ideation room.
193
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,716
( laughter )
194
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:08,092
Gustaff! Gustaff!
195
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:11,531
I have a great idea!
Come quick!
196
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:20,997
( cheering, applause )
197
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,677
The new MGT.
198
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:34,850
( crowd chanting )
MGT! MGT! MGT! MGT!
199
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,122
MGT!
200
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:39,689
Okay, so we have been
through a lot together
201
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,020
over the past few months.
202
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,194
We have lost some friends,
but we gained some new ones.
203
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:46,993
Lots of new faces
here at MGT.
204
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,957
And I really believe that--
that we are a team.
205
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,727
- Yeah?
- Crowd: Yeah.
206
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,125
More than that--
we are a family.
207
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:56,137
- Man: Yeah!
- Gottfrid: Yeah?
208
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,269
( crowd chanting )
Family! Family! Family!
209
00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:02,135
And so, I'd like everyone,
at some point today,
210
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:05,145
to take a turn
down the slide,
211
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:08,118
and Gustaff will take
a little Polaroid of you,
212
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,018
and you write your name
at the bottom,
213
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,280
we hang it on the wall
214
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,718
so we can all get to know
each other a bit better.
215
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,024
Nice idea, yes?
216
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,815
- ( crowd cheering )
- Okay.
217
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,957
- So fun!
- Totally, right?
218
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,962
( both imitate explosion )
219
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,904
And now, I'm afraid,
for the bad news.
220
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:26,172
( crowd groans )
221
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:29,139
After a long
and difficult process,
222
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,339
I'm afraid we heard
this morning
223
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,710
that we did not win
the Coke pitch.
224
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,241
( all groan )
225
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,046
Gottfrid:
We showed them great work.
226
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,348
We showed them
great ideas.
227
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,781
Radical happiness,
which I have to say
228
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,947
is one of the best ideas
we've ever come up with.
229
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,057
- We?
- But, in the end,
230
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,959
they went with
Wieden and Kennedy.
231
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,991
( crowd boos )
232
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,327
And so...
233
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,333
( laughter )
234
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:00,726
Fuck them.
235
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,768
( crowd cheering )
236
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:07,368
Gottfrid: And now
for the good news, yeah?
237
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:13,007
I know many of you know
Gustaff as a man of few words,
238
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:16,716
but like most geniuses,
239
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,190
the few words he does say
are often quite brilliant.
240
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,119
So, as we were preparing
241
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:24,694
for the J.P. Morgan pitch
a couple of weeks ago,
242
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:28,395
Gustaff came to me
and whispered two words--
243
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,028
"radical capitalism."
244
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,974
( laughter )
245
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,100
Gottfrid: I'd like to show you
the video we presented
246
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,065
to the J.P. Morgan pitch
last week.
247
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,405
( clicks )
248
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,413
( music playing )
249
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:48,719
Announcer:
Money tends to get a bad rap.
250
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:52,689
They never tire of telling us
what money can't buy,
251
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,160
while warning us
in the same breath
252
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,418
of all the ills
it can cause.
253
00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:02,397
Well, at J.P. Morgan,
we say "bull."
254
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:05,969
At J.P. Morgan,
we love money.
255
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,039
We love
the way money smells.
256
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,368
We love the way
it sounds.
257
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,073
Let's get something
straight.
258
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,405
Money isn't the root
of all evil.
259
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:17,751
Evil is the root
of all evil.
260
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:23,218
Money can't buy happiness?
We say bull.
261
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:26,150
A Lamborghini
will make you happy.
262
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:29,856
A mansion with a pool?
Happy.
263
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,130
Caribbean vacation home?
264
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,859
Happy, happy, happy.
265
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,025
Money can buy health.
266
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,204
Money can buy
families.
267
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,802
It's time
to stop apologizing.
268
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:45,205
It's time
not just for capitalism,
269
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,168
but for radical
capitalism.
270
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,177
The next time you raise
a fist in the air,
271
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,780
make sure
there's some cash in it.
272
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,783
J.P. Morgan.
273
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:59,315
Not just capitalism.
Radical capitalism.
274
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:02,462
( cheering, applause )
275
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,829
Gottfrid: J.P. Morgan
called this morning.
276
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:10,064
- Gustaff won it!
- ( cheering, applause )
277
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:13,197
That is fucking
bullshit, Thom.
278
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,273
We showed "radical happiness"
weeks ago.
279
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,402
Can they do that?
Can they really do that?
280
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,067
Gottfrid:
So the question is,
281
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:23,477
"Who's the first one
on the slide, huh?"
282
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,950
Debbie!
283
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,819
( cheering )
284
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,518
( crowd chanting )
Debbie! Debbie! Debbie!
285
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:36,562
- Thom: Jon.
- ( cheering, applause )
286
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,829
Thom: Jon!
287
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,829
( crowd cheering )
288
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:42,832
( shutter clicks )
289
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,395
- Jon! Jon!
- Hey, Thom!
290
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,295
Your turn.
Everyone has to do it.
291
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:53,307
Not fucking now,
Gottfrid. Jon!
292
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,510
He really doesn't
like slides.
293
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,512
( all laugh )
294
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,254
Bella:
This is a lot of shit.
295
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,509
Ditch the lamp.
296
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:02,377
- Which one?
- The floor one.
297
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,945
- Which is the floor one?
- I don't know.
298
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,245
"Cockenballsen."
Whatever.
299
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,556
Cockenballsen?
I thought it was Felch.
300
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,388
- Is Felch the desk lamp?
- Oh, my God.
301
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:14,902
- You okay, honey?
- No. ( retches )
302
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,328
Oh. Oh, shit.
303
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,603
That is disgusting.
304
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,171
- She happens to be on Lexapro.
- Bella.
305
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,541
You know, I'm on Lexapro.
I don't vomit.
306
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,440
Well, side effects
may vary, okay?
307
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,272
She shouldn't
come in here if she's sick.
308
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,937
What the hell
are you talking about?
309
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,276
Sick people
are the only ones
310
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,610
that come into
this fucking place.
311
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,154
- Cashier: Charlie.
- You have two carts.
312
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,450
Two carts of plastic shit
313
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,221
you think's gonna
make your life happy.
314
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,519
Who's the sick one here?
315
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,890
Miss, let's get you
to a restroom.
316
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,262
Here.
317
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,861
You know I'm gonna have
to charge you for that bag.
318
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,564
Thom: Now, Blackwall,
you see, he's fucked.
319
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,456
He's seen
some sort of truth,
320
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,298
some sort of meaning,
and there's no turning back.
321
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,304
Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Blackwall.
322
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,907
( cheering, applause )
323
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,316
Give 'em hell, Simon!
324
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,348
- There is no hell!
- ( laughter )
325
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:21,333
"Millions saw
the apple fall,"
326
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,661
said Bernard Baruch,
327
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:27,396
"but Newton was the only one
who asked why."
328
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:32,669
Uh, but except--
except he didn't ask why,
329
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,205
because Newton
was a scientist
330
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:39,312
and a coward,
like all scientists.
331
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:42,016
Because Newton
asked how not why,
332
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,019
because all science
has ever done
333
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,521
and all science ever will do
is answer how,
334
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:49,993
and how is the least
important question of all.
335
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,233
Thom: In fact,
he's so overwhelmed
336
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,359
by this incredible
shit stain,
337
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,234
that instead of extoling
the virtues
338
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,663
of science
and rationality,
339
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,567
he rages against
what he now calls
340
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,669
the cult of logic,
the religion of science.
341
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:05,242
At least true religion
has the balls
342
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,042
to ask the bigger question!
343
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,939
And stay out.
344
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,108
Thom:
His career is ruined.
345
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:16,246
But Simon is elated,
346
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,993
because though
the rest of his world
347
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:20,688
thinks it's foolish,
he's found something...
348
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,020
of meaning.
349
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,716
- That's as far as I got.
- ( film audio stops )
350
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,527
And that,
now I think of it,
351
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,559
is when I decided to quit.
352
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,025
Yeah, I'm sure
he's pissed off.
353
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,374
What do you
want me to do?
354
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,369
Send him
a fuckin' fruit basket?
355
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:37,001
Hey. Hang on.
356
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,978
( sighs )
I'm done.
357
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,709
You're-- you're done?
358
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,383
Yeah, I'm done.
359
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,312
Done with what?
360
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:48,677
With this fucking job.
361
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,545
With this
fucking whorehouse.
362
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,685
I need to call you back.
363
00:15:57,357 --> 00:16:00,287
- You're quitting?
- I'm done, man.
364
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,727
I can't do
this job anymore.
365
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:05,571
- The job of being a father?
- What?
366
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,438
Of being a husband?
Is that the job you're quitting?
367
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,568
Because providing
for your family is your job.
368
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,744
( laughs )
Wow. Holy fuck.
369
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:18,084
Jonathan Berg is about
to lecture me on fatherhood.
370
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:24,047
I write poetry.
Did you know that?
371
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:25,554
- No, you don't.
- I do.
372
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:28,055
On weekends.
It's kind of a...
373
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:31,458
"Philip Larkin meets
Joseph Stalin" kind of a thing.
374
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,561
Good for you, Jon.
375
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:36,603
So should I quit my job
and stick Dani with my bills?
376
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,669
Is that real love, Thom?
377
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:41,528
Sticking my beloved with
another 20 years of work
378
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,198
so I can pretend to be
some kind of artist?
379
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:44,696
Grow the fuck up.
380
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,507
Fatherhood isn't just
about covering the bills, Jon.
381
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,080
It's about telling my son
382
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:52,079
that he can be happy
doing something meaningful,
383
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,782
that money isn't
the only thing that matters.
384
00:16:57,150 --> 00:17:00,620
36,000 fiction
submissions a year--
385
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,293
that's what
"The New Yorker" gets.
386
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:03,562
Did you know that?
387
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,830
Thom, what do they run?
One, two stories per issue?
388
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,259
One of 'em is some
pretentious Steve Martin shit.
389
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,427
The other's
some piece of crap
390
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,674
that Woody Allen found
391
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,729
in the bottom
of his desk drawer.
392
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,537
You're a good friend,
Jonathan.
393
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,409
I appreciate your support.
394
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,468
We can beat
these Swedes, Thom.
395
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:21,637
We can beat 'em.
396
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,844
I don't want
to beat them.
397
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,446
Well, then,
they're gonna beat you.
398
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:27,678
You know,
I love this idea
399
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,554
that you can defeat something
without becoming just like it.
400
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,123
Look at you.
401
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,522
You're 52 years old
and you can't stop.
402
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,123
You can't stop working,
403
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:38,555
you can't stop competing,
dominating, winning.
404
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,391
You're an addict.
405
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:42,397
And you're only pissed off
because I'm trying to go clean.
406
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:45,799
36,000 submissions
a year, Thom.
407
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,472
Maybe you're
the next Hemingway.
408
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,470
Bet you are.
Bet you're the next Joyce.
409
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,742
Bet you're the next
William goddamn Faulkner.
410
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,411
Only "The New Yorker" never
published any of them either.
411
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,741
You know,
part of me thought
412
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:59,275
you might actually
be happy for me.
413
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:00,552
Happy for you?
414
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,320
You have any idea
how much it costs
415
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,849
to raise a child
these days?
416
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:10,864
Pay for-- for braces,
college, cars.
417
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,730
You wrote that fucking
J.P. Morgan video, didn't you?
418
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,501
Did I win
the J.P. Morgan account?
419
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,770
Did I save another 30 jobs
including yours?
420
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,769
Yes. Did I let Gustaff
take the credit?
421
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,901
Yes, I did.
Forgive me.
422
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,537
So you go.
423
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,813
Go, write--
write your fuckin' novel,
424
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,680
and then shove it
up your ass,
425
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,709
because it's the insurance
from this fuckin' whorehouse
426
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:35,284
you work at that's gonna pay
to have it removed.
427
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,645
I'm out.
428
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:43,322
36,000 submissions, Thom!
429
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,626
36,000!
430
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:53,503
Sometimes
they're wrong, honey.
431
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,273
They get false positives.
432
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,242
I did all three.
433
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,306
( sighs )
434
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,845
( crying )
Oh, my God.
435
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,883
( snorts )
436
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,915
Ugh!
437
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,622
Hey, look,
you know what?
438
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,924
Some people
like me and Barry,
439
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:20,556
we've been trying
for ages, you know.
440
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:21,933
You're lucky.
441
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:24,731
( both laugh )
442
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,939
Oh, we were just getting out
from under it, you know?
443
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,383
I was just getting out
from under it.
444
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,549
I was just starting to feel
like a human again.
445
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:45,489
Fuck!
446
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,918
And then yay.
447
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,961
And then fuck.
448
00:19:57,029 --> 00:20:00,599
Yay, fuck, yay, fuck.
449
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,343
That's life.
450
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:11,011
I guess we should start
taking this shit apart.
451
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,283
Yay.
452
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,684
I mean fuck.
453
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,920
Oh, my God!
454
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,222
( crying )
455
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,283
Lee.
456
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,619
Lee?
457
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,527
Hey.
458
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,362
Oh, my God.
459
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,800
Is this for me?
460
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,910
To write in.
461
00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:20,014
Come here.
462
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:25,619
- Oh, baby.
- Hi.
463
00:21:25,652 --> 00:21:26,892
- I got some news.
- Okay, me, too.
464
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:28,719
No, no, me first.
Me first.
465
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:30,715
I'm quitting.
I'm quitting.
466
00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:33,657
It's-- you know,
do I wanna spend
467
00:21:33,693 --> 00:21:35,503
the rest of my days
writing ads?
468
00:21:35,528 --> 00:21:37,028
I had a vision this morning
of my tombstone.
469
00:21:37,063 --> 00:21:39,933
"Here lies Thom Payne.
He wrote that Wonderbra ad."
470
00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:42,636
You know, this is it.
This is what we wanted.
471
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,339
This is why
we moved here, baby.
472
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:45,201
I know, Thom...
473
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,637
So I can-- you know,
so I can, you know,
474
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,014
write and you can paint.
475
00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:51,712
Oh, my God.
476
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,514
You know, it's--
and-- and--
477
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:54,646
- Thom.
- It's okay.
478
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:55,781
Look, I figured it out.
479
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:59,715
I can earn extra money
from freelancing,
480
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:01,852
and we can show Jules
that it's possible.
481
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:05,528
It's possible to--
to find happiness.
482
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:06,728
So I'm quitting tomorrow,
483
00:22:06,759 --> 00:22:07,959
- and I'll...
- Okay.
484
00:22:07,994 --> 00:22:09,904
I'm gonna spend
my days here,
485
00:22:09,929 --> 00:22:11,959
writing and being happy.
486
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:26,676
You're pregnant.
487
00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:29,683
I'm so sorry.
488
00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:32,546
( exhales )
Are you sure?
489
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:33,845
Yeah.
490
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:37,087
- Oh, baby.
- I know.
491
00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:40,063
- I know. I--
- Fuck. Fuck.
492
00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:43,702
- Your office.
- I love you.
493
00:22:43,730 --> 00:22:45,870
I love you.
I love you.
494
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:47,528
I love you.
I love you.
495
00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:50,438
I know.
496
00:22:50,470 --> 00:22:52,810
- I'm so sorry.
- Hey. Hey, hey, look at me.
497
00:22:52,839 --> 00:22:54,869
Hey, hey, look. Hey.
498
00:22:54,907 --> 00:22:57,737
Hey.
Another little Julius.
499
00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,547
I know.
500
00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:00,609
Or Julia.
501
00:23:00,647 --> 00:23:03,517
- You know?
- Or Julia.
502
00:23:05,518 --> 00:23:08,858
I guess I just fucked myself
out of my writing room.
503
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:14,992
Yay. Fuck.
504
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,467
- Oh, boy.
- Uh-huh.
505
00:23:24,504 --> 00:23:26,474
( laughs )
Oh.
506
00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:34,182
( exhales )
507
00:23:35,214 --> 00:23:37,784
Thom:
It was nice to quit.
508
00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:39,787
Even if it was temporary.
509
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:42,889
( cheering )
510
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:46,232
I did, however,
find an ending to my story.
511
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:49,158
Simon Blackwall stumbles
through the streets,
512
00:23:49,195 --> 00:23:51,625
ruined, yes,
but ecstatic,
513
00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:53,974
because he has at last
found a reason to live,
514
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,170
a reason for suffering
all these slings and arrows.
515
00:24:07,146 --> 00:24:10,546
- ( pounds )
- Hey, what's the problem here?
516
00:24:13,986 --> 00:24:15,956
- Yes?
- Oh, Father.
517
00:24:15,988 --> 00:24:18,058
Oh, what is it, my son?
518
00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:21,990
Father, I have been
so unhappy and empty,
519
00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:24,028
but-- but the Lord
has called to me
520
00:24:24,063 --> 00:24:25,533
and opened my eyes.
521
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:26,925
Here, in my underwear.
522
00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:28,196
It's a skid mark,
Father.
523
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:30,074
A skid mark of our Lord,
Jesus Christ.
524
00:24:30,102 --> 00:24:33,742
And He has shown me
the way to such joy.
525
00:24:33,773 --> 00:24:38,213
But this is-- this is just
an ordinary shit stain.
526
00:24:38,244 --> 00:24:40,954
I-- I-- it got wet.
527
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,680
Looks like
a shit stain to me.
528
00:24:42,715 --> 00:24:44,275
No, no,
this is a sign from God.
529
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,686
This is the reason
for being.
530
00:24:46,719 --> 00:24:51,289
How dare you come in here
and pretend this is holy?
531
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,833
This-- this-- this shit.
532
00:24:53,860 --> 00:24:55,560
- I-- I swear.
- Hey!
533
00:24:55,595 --> 00:24:57,025
You heard the father.
534
00:24:57,063 --> 00:24:58,703
Your shit isn't holy.
535
00:24:58,731 --> 00:25:00,531
Your shit
has no meaning.
536
00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:03,843
Nobody cares
about your shit.
537
00:25:03,870 --> 00:25:05,740
Your shit isn't holy,
you son of a bitch.
538
00:25:05,772 --> 00:25:07,242
Your shit
has no meaning.
539
00:25:07,273 --> 00:25:09,183
- Your shit isn't holy.
- Your shit has no meaning.
540
00:25:09,208 --> 00:25:12,678
- Your shit has no meaning.
- Your shit has no meaning.
541
00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:17,752
- Your shit has no meaning!
- Your shit has no meaning!
542
00:25:17,784 --> 00:25:19,824
Thom: "The New Yorker"
is gonna love it.
543
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:23,092
Submission number 36,001.
544
00:25:23,122 --> 00:25:26,162
( cheering, applause )
545
00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,965
Come on, Thom!
546
00:25:36,268 --> 00:25:41,008
( all chanting )
Thom! Thom! Thom! Thom! Thom!
547
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:44,040
( chanting continues )
548
00:25:45,645 --> 00:25:47,975
( chanting fades )
549
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,220
Lee:
We're with you, Thom.
550
00:25:56,255 --> 00:25:59,025
You don't have to go down
if you don't want to.
551
00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:02,158
You don't have to do it
for me, buddy.
552
00:26:02,194 --> 00:26:04,334
You don't have to do it
for me.
553
00:26:07,834 --> 00:26:10,704
( chanting resumes )
554
00:26:15,842 --> 00:26:18,082
( cheering, applause )
555
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:19,750
( camera shutter clicks )
556
00:26:22,949 --> 00:26:24,679
Thom:
You gotta hand it to Stalin.
557
00:26:24,717 --> 00:26:26,187
He didn't fuck around.
558
00:26:26,218 --> 00:26:27,918
When he wanted
to control you,
559
00:26:27,954 --> 00:26:30,794
he threw you in the Gulag
or shot you in the head.
560
00:26:30,823 --> 00:26:33,193
Nowadays, they give you
a 30-year mortgage.
561
00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:36,025
They give you an auto loan,
credit card bills,
562
00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:37,802
and a Graco
convertible crib
563
00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,900
with three-position
mattress adjustment
564
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:42,802
and a one-year
limited warranty.
565
00:26:42,835 --> 00:26:45,665
Yay! Fuck.
566
00:26:45,705 --> 00:26:47,805
Yay!
567
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,810
Fuck.
568
00:26:50,677 --> 00:26:53,677
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
569
00:26:53,713 --> 00:26:56,083
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
570
00:26:56,115 --> 00:26:57,745
* If you're happy
and you know it *
571
00:26:57,784 --> 00:26:59,724
* Then your face
will surely show it *
572
00:26:59,752 --> 00:27:01,722
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
573
00:27:01,754 --> 00:27:04,664
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
574
00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:07,131
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
575
00:27:07,159 --> 00:27:08,799
* If you're happy
and you know it *
576
00:27:08,828 --> 00:27:10,758
* Then your face
will surely show it *
577
00:27:10,797 --> 00:27:12,827
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
578
00:27:12,865 --> 00:27:15,425
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
579
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:18,097
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
580
00:27:18,137 --> 00:27:19,737
* If you're happy
and you know it *
581
00:27:19,772 --> 00:27:21,712
* Then your face
will surely show it *
582
00:27:21,741 --> 00:27:23,741
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
583
00:27:23,776 --> 00:27:26,276
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *
584
00:27:26,312 --> 00:27:28,982
* If you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands *
585
00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:30,275
* If you're
happy and you know it *
586
00:27:30,316 --> 00:27:32,076
* Then motherfucking
show it *
587
00:27:32,118 --> 00:27:33,418
* If you're happy
and you know it *
588
00:27:33,452 --> 00:27:35,222
* Clap your
motherfucking hands *
589
00:27:35,254 --> 00:27:36,864
* If you're happy
and you know it *
590
00:27:36,889 --> 00:27:38,929
* Then your face
will surely show it *
591
00:27:38,958 --> 00:27:41,428
* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands! *
42088
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