Original subtitles

Clean this ball juice off my floor.

Fucking asshole, come on.

Get the fuck out.

You like that? Does that feel good?

NEIGHBOR: Shut up! You fucking shut up!

(BONES BREAKING) (SCREAMING)

Hi, there. I'm Ed Halligan

and thank you for tuning in for another night of comedy from your friends

at Funny or Die.

You know, I was just telling the Loganthorpe twins here about the good old days,

when everyone gathered around the old projector and watched pornography.

They didn't know that's how we used to watch it, in groups.

We'd sit around watching porn and a bunch of guys...

Have a bunch of drinks and then go get some whores.

Pornography was more social in the old days.

Now, you slink off to some secret corner all by yourself and click around for hours.

Sinking into every perverse, disgusting desire you could possibly have.

Foot fetishes, grannies, midgets...

Now they even have porn categories for the darkest recesses of the mind,

only fit for monsters and criminals.

One click and there you are, right in hell.

How did we let this happen?

The Internet, that's how.

You can't control the spread of information.

Even if it's someone defecating on someone else's face.

Gutenberg taught us that.

But, hey, if you can't control it, then why not tap into it?

(CHUCKLING) And that's what we do over at Funny or Die.

We think we made a kind of heaven out of hell,

with our comedy website and our TV show.

Maybe one day we can all return to the Golden Age,

when we all liked the same kind of porn.

But, until then, this isn't half bad. (CHUCKLES)

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight on Funny or Die Presents...

The United States Police Department,

the movie of the week, The Terrys,

starring Tim and Eric

and Baby Boss.

Hey, look who's famous again.

Looks like the baby fuckers got fucked.

I'd say.

But I beat ya to it.

Well, if it isn't USPD's top cops, the Lone Ranger and Dyko.

Watch your mouth, Spaghetti.

So, you born a rug-muncher or did Ducca here put you off of the C-O-C, cock?

That's it... Easy, Ducca.

I can handle this.

Oh, I got something for you to handle.

Swallow, swallow. I just meant my dick.

Swallow his testicles. Ew.

Swallowing testicles now.

(COUGHING)

All right, enough.

Enough!

Ducca, Phuk, in my office now. Spaghetti, Panetti,

get to the nurse's office, and somebody clean this ball juice off my floor.

(DOOR SLAMS)

You think that just because there's a really nice picture of you in the paper

that you can run wild?

No. More like a fucking awesome picture.

It was not awesome.

Chief, that's my partner.

(GROANS)

Hey! Jesus.

Knock it off.

Ow.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Knock it off, Huckey. Ducca, Phuk. It's fuck.

Into my office now! Double-Chief O'Shambley.

I said now! God!

Bullshit.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I... Oh!

Hit each other. I said hit each other!

Break it up!

My office is being painted. Conference Room 2.

Now!

DUCCA: Damn it! God!

Get your stupid fucking asses in here!

Look, Chief, I...

Damn, she got you good.

Happy birthday!

You have no shield from the pain.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(SHOUTING) You bit my fucking ear!

(INAUDIBLE)

(YELLING)

No! (BONES BREAKING)

Anything you say can be held against you in a court of law.

I love you, Mom! (SHOUTING CONTINUES)

Stop! What's wrong with you animals?

ALL: King of Police!

That's right. Who the hell did you think I was?

Into my office, now. Now!

KING OF POLICE: I know I have an office here, somewhere.

I was here once. I know I'm not... Wait a minute.

Now I remember!

This hallway is my office!

I'm the King of Police!

(OFFICERS SHOUTING)

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

KING OF POLICE: That's just me.

(NARRATOR CLEARS THROAT)

And now presenting the world premiere of the motion picture

produced especially for Funny or Die,

movie of the week. Tonight's movie, The Terrys.

The Terrys.

NARRATOR: This is the Dunnersville Trailer Park,

just off of Sand Canyon Road.

It's home to mothers, fathers, children, even grandparents.

Some are down on their luck.

Some just choose the simpler life.

They're all good people.

Well, except for the Terrys.

This is Terry Grut, the most feared man of the Dunnersville community.

You, motherfucker! What the fuck, you little shit? Get the fuck out of here!

NARRATOR: Terry lives off a steady diet of rage and narcotics.

Currently, he is chemically addicted to a street drug called ice.

A dangerous combination of crack cocaine and methamphetamines.

(COUGHING)

(CHOKING)

MAN: Come on, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's it. NARRATOR: This is Terry Brovart.

Yeah, oh. I'm gonna come in your mouth.

Yeah. (MOANING)

(SIGHS)

NARRATOR: She was born here in Dunnersville.

Terry has performed oral sex on over than 6,000 men.

Mostly ex-convicts from the Dunnersville State Prison.

(BURPS)

Damn.

This is the story of Terry Grut and Terry Brovart,

or as they are more commonly known, The Terrys.

BROVART: Hey man, give me a little toke.

GRUT: Fuck you, get the fuck out of here, boy. Come on.

I'll give you some of this.

Oh, yeah. You wanna suck on my little cock? Yeah, yeah.

(MOANING) Oh, yeah. It's gonna fucking cost you.

You like that shit? Oh, yeah.

Is it worth this?

You like my little fucking, you asshole? Oh!

Fuck it, fuck it hard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

BOTH: Oh, yeah!

Let's go back to my fucking trailer, bitch.

GRUT: Shit, fuck this, bitch. Fuck, yeah.

Oh!

(YELLING)

Yeah! Yeah!

(CHOKING)

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(MOANING)

(SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: That was how it all started.

Although they only dry-humped, the Terrys conceived a child that very afternoon,

and the Terrys began their life together.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Wash that house. Fuck yeah.

What are you doing? Fuck you, I'm busy.

Help me out. Help yourself.

Fucking prick.

You fucking come bucket.

(SIGHS)

What the fuck are you doing?

Why don't you mind your business? Fuck, I'm soft now.

I'm gonna fucking kill your baby.

Go ahead. Fucking kill it. It's not my fucking baby. I don't want that shit.

I'm gonna kill this fucking baby. (BABY CRYING)

Fuck you! Fuck you!

You know what? Fuck the shit out of you.

This is your fucking baby. So, fuck you...

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!

NEIGHBOR: Shut up!

You fucking shut up.

Fuck this, I'm out of here.

Where you going? Fuck you.

Where the fuck you going? Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Yeah, put that fucking down. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Fuck you!

You fucking whore!

Fuck you. Mama's getting high.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

NARRATOR: But, of course, the Terrys always made up.

And in a rare demonstration of logic and forward thinking,

the woman, Terry, convinced the man, Terry, to consult with an OBGYN,

a baby doctor. (SPEAKING SPANISH)

Come on, come on.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What the fuck is he saying? I don't fucking know.

Get the fuck out of my pussy. Fuck you.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Yeah, I don't understand that shit. I don't speak chicken.

English, you fuck.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Yo, what the fuck do you know anyways, huh?

Why don't you get your mouth out of my girl's pussy, huh?

Get the fuck out of here! Come on!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fucking homo. Yeah, baby.

You don't have to worry about shit 'cause I'm gonna take care of that baby myself.

Home delivery style.

Let me get a taste. Oh, shit. Oh, it's fucking dry.

Oh, it's like fucking tomato soup.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it tastes like metal.

Oh! Yeah!

NARRATOR: And so the man, Terry, found a used CD-ROM at the second-hand store

to teach him how to deliver the child at home.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

NARRATOR: As the woman, Terry, approached her delivery date,

the Terrys would fight like cats and dogs, every day and every night.

(SCREAMING) If I wanna get my fucking dick sucked,

then I'll go next door and get my fucking dick sucked!

Fuck you! I suck this dick!

No, it's not your fucking dick!

NARRATOR: This became routine for them

and the ice they smoked only acted as fuel to the flame.

(YELLING)

You fucking bitch!

(SCREAMING)

What the fuck was that? My water broke.

Holy shit. Get the fucking CD-ROM!

Hurry! Hurry my baby's coming.

Where the fuck is it? Where the fuck is it, you bitch?

Baby's coming.

Fucking shit. Why the fuck didn't I look at this earlier?

(SCREAMING)

Okay. BROVART: What's taking so long?

I don't know. It's the first time I looked at this shit. Oh, come on!

What the fuck is loading? Hold on, Terry. Please fucking hold on.

Keep it inside! Hold on, Terry. It's coming.

All right, my baby's coming.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hurry, my baby's coming.

Come on! Come on! (COMPUTER BEEPS)

Step one. Go, go. Prepare... Fuck!

My baby's coming!

It's gonna be hot. Move your fucking dress.

(SCREAMING)

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

Massage...

Come on, you fucking asshole.

Come on!

Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out!

I'm pushing!

Come on, push, you stupid fucking bitch!

(SCREAMING)

It's coming!

What the fuck? What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is this? Get him away from me.

(CRYING) He isn't a boy.

It's just some piece of wood.

What the fuck?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck did you do?

I don't know what the fuck he is.

I'm a little hungry.

Yeah. I'm gonna go get some chicken.

Thank you.

GRUT: Fucking shut up! BROVART: It's not his fault.

No, he's nothing but a fucking puppet!

He's a boy. That's a piece of shit, that's not no fucking boy!

He's my son. Don't yell at him!

I'm gonna throw him the fuck out in the dumpster. Fuck you.

You fucking scumbag, piece of shit!

It's a fucking puppet, you dope.

Fucking limp dick. Fuck you.

Oh, you fucking bitch. Fuck you!

You're gonna fucking die tonight, you piece of shit.

(SCREAMING) I'm gonna fucking cut you, bitch...

Boom! Boom!

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

That's how it's gonna go. Bam! Your head's gonna go back.

(EXCLAIMS)

(PUPPET SCREAMING)

(IN DEEP VOICE) Mother and father, please sit down.

You love each other. Why do you fight?

Mother, your body is a beautiful temple.

Save it for the one you love.

Okay, boy. We love you.

Father, the chemicals you put into your body turn you into someone else.

That is not the man you were meant to be.

I'll do what you say.

NARRATOR: The puppet boy explained to the Terrys how important their love was.

It was as gentle as a young sprout.

And it needed the full attention and care of a master gardener.

And he promised them one day that sprout could grow into a beautiful flower.

(INAUDIBLE)

As time passed, the puppet boy grew to be all things to the Terrys.

Son, caretaker,

spiritual guide...

(INAUDIBLE)

And after a long life of happiness and love,

the Terrys finally lied down next to each other to breathe their final breaths.

Terry, I love you so much.

I love you, Terry.

(COUGHING)

Thank you, son. Thank you.

You're a weird boy, but it was worth every fucking second.

Okay, son. We're ready.

Bye-bye, son. Mommy and poppy are ready to walk in the desert.

You push the button now, son.

Mama's gonna die. Mama's gonna die.

Go ahead.

Go, let mammy and pappy go walk in the desert. Go, ahead. Push the button.

Goodbye, son. All the best to you.

Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Have a good boy time. Goodbye, boy.

I love you.

I'll miss you, son. Thank you so much, little boy...

(CHOKING)

(HEART MONITOR FLATLINES)

NARRATOR: And so, the story begins again.

Hey, Mr. Gibbs... Uh, Ben.

Can I, uh... Can I talk to you for a second?

Listen, um, I wanted to talk to you a little bit about Jeannette.

I'm... I'm having... Yeah, Jeanette. (MR. GIBBS MUMBLES)

Yeah, you know who I'm talking about.

I've been having a big problem with her.

Mmm.

It's 10:30 in the morning. That's your third sandwich.

She's a problem for this company.

I think she's a cancer that needs to be cut out of Kipton.

The color part... It's not printing in color.

Look, if you push this again, it's...

It doesn't seem to actually connect with the actual computer system...

Raj, I though your people were good at fixing stuff.

Jeanette, what does that mean?

He's Indian, and Indians are good at fixing stuff.

(SCREAMING)

All she does is talk about herself.

But I never felt it until that Pap smear,

and then he was, like, "You have a tilted cervix."

I think I should get my own office, maybe one of these glass front doors.

The last time we talked about this two years ago, you ignored me.

Oh, wanna hold hands?

Is that what you're saying? Do you wanna get a little closer?

You like that?

That feel good?

I just really want a raise.

We could go somewhere.

Oh, Mr. Gibbs.

(WHISPERING) I can't do this with you, can I? Even though I want to.

Oh, you like that when I do that, huh?

Oh! (MR. GIBBS CRIES)

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this.

Gail? Are you kidding me?

I'm going to HR.

This wasn't a mistake, was it?

Oh, I gotta tell you, while we were sitting here watching porn,

we really screwed the pooch on that one, and I don't mind saying it.

After all, honesty is the best policy,

unless you're talking to the cops or your wife.

Also, your accountant. That's not a good time to be honest either.

You know, I lie to people about my name from time to time.

And, of course, during a sales pitch. You never want to be honest there.

(CHUCKLES) Eh, it is the best policy, generally, keeping it honest.

And I'll see you next time.

Perhaps.