Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Brick Novax is Detective Filthy Larry Gallivan

in Unforeseen Collision.

(GUN FIRING)

We are in the space of infinity.

(LAUGHING)

Space of infinity! (EXCLAIMS)

Anything is possible!

I must warn you, I have salt and pepper pubes.

What's our lady refs motto?

Keep it clean, keep it tight.

BOTH: Like our pussies.

Hello. I'm Ed Halligan,

your host for tonight's episode of Funny or Die Presents.

If you don't know, Funny or Die is and Internet company.

You walk the halls here and you see kids of all shapes and sizes

running around, willy-nilly,

creating at the speed of light.

A frenzy of free-wheeling, colorful activity.

Dynamic, exciting and forward-moving.

But you know what?

I want to let you in on something.

I think about technology a lot.

Sometimes I like to close the door to my office,

turn down the lights, really let my thoughts go.

I try to get beyond what we do here.

The Internet and social networks.

Texting and twittering and typing.

My mind sails on past character streams of encoded data.

Bytes and bits of data, binary codes,

codes on hyper cubes,

systems within systems, systematically encircling one another,

like strange lovers lost in abstract relationships.

Quickly now, I race on.

I'm entering a new space with new symbols and sounds.

(GASPS) They haven't been invented yet.

Maybe I'm not allowed here.

What if someone catches me?

I hear noises never noised before.

Shapeless shapes lurking in the corners.

Technology beyond technology,

unfolding like folding chairs.

Snapping at me with their metallic jaws.

(WHISPERS) I've got to get out of here.

My mind races on. "Go, man go!" Until...

(WHISPERS) There it is.

A tiny door

with a kind of knobless knob for a handle, all green and white.

And then

I'm back.

With my carpet and my stapler and my tie and my pictures and my gift books

and my knickknacks and my bowl of nuts

and this little thing right here. I'm not sure what it is,

but it's here and I'm happy about it.

I'm back.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight on Funny or Die Presents...

Brick Novax's Diary,

the final episode of Lady Refs,

the movie of the week, Crazy Town,

and Welcome to My Study.

NOVAX: My name, Brick Novax.

I'm known for two things.

My many heroic exploits

and my legendary prodigious substance intake.

Now, with two weeks left to live,

I've holed up here, in the Clyde Motel

to record my memories and preserve my legacy.

This is my life.

This is Brick Novax's Diary.

(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS)

Testing one, two, one, two.

Still another entry in my diary.

I'm gonna talk about some time ago

when I was Japan's biggest movie star.

I had made international headlines.

And Brick Novax is still at large after stealing a motorcycle

and riding it around the world.

Authorities believe he's living in Tokyo's Little Kansas neighborhood.

It's unclear. NOVAX: I was seen by noted Japanese film director,

Kira Orasawa,

who dug my outlaw style

and immediately hired me to star in his series of udon noodle crime dramas.

NARRATOR: Brick Novax is Detective Filthy Larry Gallivan

in Unforeseen Collision.

(GUN FIRING)

Lights! Camera! Murder!

Parallel larceny.

But even though I was rich beyond my wildest dreams, mis amigos,

one thing still plagued me.

Bulge pinch.

No Japanese slacks could prevent it.

So I poured my cash into developing a new kind of pant.

Brick Novax's Fake-O-Flex Slacks.

Now all we had to do was market them.

* Why can't they make slacks

* That help me relax?

* Give me an extra inch Now it's a cinch

* A no-bulge pinch

* Maybe some slacks that fit

* Showcase my bulge without pinching it

* Even a tiny little bit

* I'm more legit than Sonny Stitt

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Slacks!

* And if you don't have a clue

* Slacks

* Well, get into some slacks *

We were a worldwide smash.

And all the proceeds went to the Novax Amalgamation for Dolphin Awareness.

But then, reports came in that people wearing Fake-O-Flex Slacks

began to develop a rash.

A rash more painful than two tigers devouring a helpless gazelle.

(TIGERS GROWLING)

The lawsuits ruined us and, again, I was destitute.

But you know what, champions?

I tried to make this world a better place.

To this day, a pair of my slacks still hang in the Slacksonian Institute.

So if I have one thing to say, it's this.

No one knows how many ticks of the Timex they get on this crazy, big, blue marble.

So you got to make the most out of this thing called life, my brothers and sisters.

Always be yourself.

Dream big dreams.

And never, never ration good times.

* Be yourself

* And dream big dreams

* And never ration good times *

(WHISTLING)

FEMALE NARRATOR: Previously on Lady Refs...

The ref with the mullet returned from Afghanistan.

And now she can't keep her shit together.

Ow!

The ref who looks like Shane from The L Word had experimental knee surgery.

And the ref with the '90s scrunchie who always looks conflicted

used bribe money to pay for it.

'Cause, you know, she might go gay.

Jablonsky, no time to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder

when you've got the finals to ref.

Come on, Kennedy, just ref one dishonest game

and then no one will ever know you took a bribe.

Hmm?

Goddamn ACL.

I can't believe I don't get to ref the fucking finals!

Ladies, big news.

There's gonna be a scout today from the World Cup looking for referees.

Oh, man. Not today.

And, Kennedy,

your wedding is at halftime.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* If you're offsides, out of bounds

* To play real rough and show them down

* Even you would get a bump

* 'Cause when I kick I kick it hard

* Every time you hear the whistle go

* That's me in control

* We're playing sudden death

* Lady refs *

(CHEERING)

Capisce?

A bribe. What do I do?

(WHISPERS) No.

No goal.

(PEOPLE BOOING) It was offsides.

The goal doesn't count.

What? That wasn't offsides.

(SIGHS)

You're out of here.

What? Get out of here.

Go back to your cave, you terrorist.

She can't ref a game when her head's in Afghanistan.

Get me in there!

(GROANS) Damn it!

Kennedy, call halftime.

Lady ref meeting.

KENNEDY: That's halftime.

She just say "halftime"? She said "halftime"?

All right, this is my big day, guys. It's my big day.

Roll out the flowers please.

We need to bring the aisles in.

What's our lady refs motto?

Keep it clean, keep it tight.

BOTH: Like our pussies.

Like our pussies. What the fuck is wrong with you two?

Kennedy, you're refing a dirty game.

And I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I did it for you, okay?

I took a $20 bribe to save your life.

'Cause I... 'Cause nothing.

You're getting married.

Jablonsky, zip me up, man.

How can I be so stupid?

To think that shower meant anything to you.

Anything.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm going after the woman I love.

So am I.

(MOANS)

No!

(DISTORTED) I love you!

(GROANS)

I love you, too.

I've had these feelings, but I've been so scared.

(SHUSHING) You don't have to ever be scared again,

'cause I'll always be by your side.

Hey, you've got just the kind of balls

that we at the World Cup are looking for in a referee.

How would you like to go to South America?

You bet. See you, goofy.

You're not injured, are you?

No. Fit as a motherfucking fiddle.

Goodbye, Elizabeth.

Goodbye, lady refs!

Hello, lady soldiers!

Unicorns win. Capisce?

Capisce.

Game on.

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLING)

NARRATOR: Meet Jeff Baker.

Junior college professor.

He can identify 45 different brands of pipe tobacco.

Country Gentleman.

NARRATOR: His favorite yoga pose... The Warrior.

Never sneak up on Professor Baker.

Oh, and by the way,

I'm a Leo.

Tonight's episode, "Can I Turn in My Paper on Saturday"?

Excellent point.

Well, we'll talk more about Steinbeck's The Chrysanthemums next time.

Meanwhile, remember your reports on Madame Bovary are due tomorrow.

Professor Baker, can I talk to you for a second?

Of course. What is it, Miss Michaels?

Well, I was hoping I could get an extension on the paper.

But the paper is due tomorrow. You knew that three weeks ago.

I know, I know. But I have to work tonight and I have a history midterm tomorrow.

I can have it on your desk by Saturday.

Saturday?

Saturday. When I'm all alone in my office.

I get your drift.

I'm very flattered, but it would be wrong.

No, no, that's not what I meant. (STAMMERING)

I was afraid my lectures were getting a little too spicy.

Besides, most women are intrigued by a man with a pipe.

Professor Baker, I just need an extra day.

You see, I'm on an academic scholarship, so I have to maintain a "B" average.

Sex in exchange for a good grade.

I vowed I would never do it,

but we'll find out on Saturday.

Look I just need a couple of hours.

Can I bring it to you by the end of tomorrow?

Friday evening. Even more romantic.

Ah! I must warn you, I have salt and pepper pubes.

I'll just bring it to class tomorrow.

Perfect.

NARRATOR: And now presenting the world premiere of a motion picture

produced especially for Funny or Die.

The movie of the week. Tonight's movie, Crazy Town.

Man, this is gonna be a great road trip, Dave.

Just me, my best friend and the great outdoors.

Yeah, Will, this is gonna be great.

Yeah, it's gonna be...

It's gonna be...

Crazy.

Yeah, maybe we'll see some cool scenery.

Or maybe something crazier.

Like what? A bald eagle or something?

How about trying heroin for the first time?

What? Are you crazy? Where did you get that?

I don't know. Who cares?

What are you doing?

(BOTH SCERAMING)

Will!

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

Will.

Come on in, Dave. The water's warm.

Water? What water?

That water. Huh?

(PANTING)

(SCREAMS) What is going on?

Hello, David. (SCREAMS)

Drink this whiskey. Let's get crazy.

Where are we? Just drink it.

Okay, but... Just kidding. That's not whiskey.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) That's liquid acid.

What?

Just kidding. That's a dead baby.

A dead... Just kidding.

(SCREAMS) Quick. Follow me.

(EXCLAIMING)

Will?

(EXCLAIMING)

Kiss me.

Oh, God, no. (SCREAMING)

Oh, God, stop!

(SCREAMING)

Come on in, David, and have a cocktail with these slutty robots.

(CHATTERING)

But beware of the ticklers.

TICKLERS: Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

(SCREAMING)

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

(LAUGHS) That's enough fun for now.

What is this place?

I'm hungry. I feel like I haven't eaten in...

Fifteen years.

You were tickled for 15 years.

Come now, we shall feast.

Oh, God! Please, no.

Will, where are you?

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Why are you doing this to me?

You're delicious, Dave. You really have to try some of you.

I thought you were my best friend.

You wanna do something even crazier.

No. No!

(PANTING)

Great. Where are we now?

Well, David, we are in the space of infinity.

(LAUGHING)

Space of infinity.

(EXCLAIMS)

Where anything is possible.

(EXCLAIMS)

Get me out of this place.

All you have to do is snap your fingers.

(BALD EAGLE SCREECHING) (CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

(SCREAMS) My fingers!

No, no, no. Not like that David.

Like this.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Isn't this great, David?

(SCREAMS) This really fucking hurts!

We can go wherever we want.

To other dimensions, or even travel through time.

Well, then let's go back in time now.

Well, sure, David.

We can go wherever you want!

(SCREAMING)

Uh, actually, I don't want to go this way.

Do you mind if we just go back home?

Wherever you want to. I just want to hang out with my best friend today.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey, sorry about that, man. I just had a bad feeling. You okay?

Yeah, everything is...

Bonkers! (SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(SCREAMING)

(ROARING) David!

TICKLERS: Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Will, this isn't funny anymore!

* I have seen things

* Things I just choose not to talk about

* Things that only seem to frighten

* And offend most everybody

* Welcome to my study *

Oh, hello.

And welcome to my study.

My name is Mitchell.

And I am Stuart.

Stuart is my study friend.

And he's visiting all the way from...

You're always welcome to enjoy the things that I found.

That I found.

I'm lonely and I collect things.

And I also collect things as well.

So let's see what I found inside my study drawers.

MITCHELL: It's a piece of felt.

Put it on your face...

Well, let's see what I found inside my travel drawers.

It's a geode.

The sparkling interior of a geode contains

some of the most beautiful crystals on earth.

But how exactly they're formed remains a mystery, even to this day.

Well, let's see what I found inside my study drawers.

MITCHELL: It's just a bunch of pieces of glass.

My bottle is...

Well, let's see what I found inside my travel drawers.

It's an ancient Roman coin.

Over 2,000 years ago, this coin represented a day's wages

for a common laborer.

But today, it is considered far, far more valuable.

(STAMMERING) But what do I have in my drawers?

MITCHELL: It's beans.

Beans... But what do I have

inside my travel drawers?

It's a picture of my family.

(SOBBING)

* I have seen things

* Things I just choose not to talk about

* Things that only seem to frighten

* And offend most everybody

* Welcome to my study *

Well, that's our show for the evening and I hope you liked it.

I know some of you didn't and that's okay.

Comedy is not easy, and we all laugh at different things.

Some of you probably hated it.

And now you're thinking about

writing something in your blogs with a lot of swear words.

Well, you need to take a moment.

What's really got your goat?

Small penis, no girlfriend, can't hold down a job?

Maybe God gave you an ugly face.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you, ugly guy.

Even if you do hate us.

I guess that makes me a lot like Jesus.

See ya next time.