Original subtitles

I think the unicorns should pack their suitcases,

'cause they're about to take a trip in the penalty box.

Capisce?

It's not your fault that this establishment is insensitive to the needs of your pussy

cat.

I'm telling you, you let one more fart loose in here

I'm gonna have to drop the oxygen masks.

(LAUGHING)

Don't talk about your "underwear bomber."

That's this guy. That's this guy.

Ah. Wonderful.

Excellent. (SNICKERS)

Ah, good choice.

Lamplighter, 5:30?

There you go.

Oh, hi!

You know what I like to do from time to time?

I like to take it up the ass.

Not literally, of course, but figuratively.

The older you get, the easier it is to do.

I mean, do you really think you're smarter

than all those guys trying to screw you over?

You're not.

Right now, there's some college nerd

working a computer at a Wall Street office

thinking of ways to fuck you over you can't even imagine, my friend.

Just going about your day, swinging a hammer, flipping a burger,

and he's looking at numbers,

thinking to himself, "How can I fuck somebody over?"

You're not smarter than him.

And there's a bunch of 'em, too.

They just got through fucking us a couple of years ago,

and now they're at it again.

There's really nothing you can do except sit back,

have a drink, watch a little TV,

and take it like a man.

I've actually come to enjoy it.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight on Funny or Die,

Tijuana Jackson,

part two of Lady Refs,

and the movie of the week,

Terrorist on Flight 77,

starring Tom Lennon and Ben Garant, okay?

TIJUANA: A lot of people wanna hear my story.

You what I'm saying? A lot of people wanna hear how I got...

They wanna know how a nigga ended up in jail, you know what I'm saying,

a nigger of my caliber ended up in prison in the first place.

You know, the gas prices, they went up, you know what I'm saying,

and nigga got busted siphoning some gas

out of a motherfucking school bus in a parking lot, okay?

You know, and the cops pulled up and caught me,

you know, and it was a misdemeanor.

But then, it escalated to a felony, 'cause I was smoking a cigarette,

therefore endangering the lives of the kids that were still on the bus.

I didn't really realize those little motherfuckers was on there.

(PAGER BEEPING)

626?

Aw, hell no.

Not on my cell phone, no.

Last time, man, last time I got one of them calls, I called them up.

They told me, I said, they said I won a prize. I said, "What'd I win?"

They said, "You won the complete Ginsu Knife set with..."

And it came with the bamboo wood block

and they said it had a knife sharpener with it.

I went to pick my shit up,

these motherfuckers slap handcuffs on me.

(SNORTS)

You know what I'm saying? For outstanding warrants.

Not again.

Y'all just hold tight for a second, all right?

I just gotta...

TIJUANA: My nephew used to go to that school,

but then the Koreans took it over.

TIJUANA: This is the issue,

this is the issue that a lot of motherfuckers don't try to understand.

I'm trying to give y'all legitimate information.

If people are willing to make a documentary about you

it must say something about your heart, and who you,

who you are as an individual.

As a whole, you know what I'm saying,

these motherfuckers don't think.

Just due to because of the fact that I'm flashy,

you know what I'm saying, I'm good looking, you know what I'm saying,

I wear chains and shit, you know what I'm saying,

I can't be no motherfucking professional, you know what I'm saying?

Contraire, mon frere.

(SNIFFS)

Get some change?

No camera, no smoking in the store.

It's menthol.

They ain't filming you, they're filming me.

Life coach. Motivational speaker. How much for the sweets?

It's $1.

A...

Hey, can you check the back for hypoallergenic cat licks?

All we have is what you see.

Hypoallergenic cats need hypoallergenic food for a reason. It's not optional.

Sorry. There's nothing in the back. Forget it.

WOMAN: (SARCASTICALLY) Sorry to disturb you, sir.

Whatever.

Okay.

Obviously she's rooting something deep in the motherfucking feline, okay?

Excuse me.

I noticed you were having a bit of a dilemma.

My name's Tijuana Jackson.

Motivational speaker, life coach. (SNIFFS)

How come they're filming me?

Oh, they're not... Guys.

(INAUDIBLE)

Cut. Cut.

Okay, now. Got that out the way.

Uh, what seems to be getting your hormones so riled up?

I'm the worst mother in the world.

My cat's hungry... That's not true, okay?

(STAMMERING) Look, it's not your fault that this establishment

is insensitive to the needs of your pussy

cat.

Furthermore, I believe an investigation of your self-image is what's in order.

What's the matter with my self-image?

It's a beautiful thing. Okay?

It just needs to be nurtured in the same way that you nurture your cat.

Do you wash it?

Yeah. Okay.

Do you play with it? Of course I do.

Mmm-hmm.

And when you stroke it, does it purr?

What?

Okay, let me put it to you this way, okay?

By the paleness in your skin,

dark circles, the hunch in your posture, moderately excessive weight,

I'm led to believe you're neglecting something other than your cat.

Do you honestly consider yourself to be an attractive woman?

Right now? I mean, I don't, okay? Fuck you.

No, I don't mean... No. No.

No, I do... Okay. (STAMMERING) Fuck... Fuck you!

No, wait a minute...

Fuck you!

I'm breaking you down to build you back up, okay? Don't take offense to it.

If you take it personally, it's not gonna work.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Prime example of what I'm talking about, okay?

Drinking soda. God knows what else.

You know what, I think that the lesson that we learned here today

is that you can lead a feline to the water,

but if that feline don't want to see its reflection,

it ain't gonna drink.

Man, honestly, you can't save everybody.

I think some people are just meant to be fucked up.

I thought Christians don't curse.

What makes you think I'm Christian?

I see you got a cross on.

This ain't no cross, nigga. This is "T" for "T.J."

Some change, homey.

TIJUANA: Hey, somebody page T.J.?

What'd I win?

With the bamboo wood block.

Fuck these niggas. Let's go.

(GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome back to Juggalo News.

The highest honors in carnival-crazed graveyard cinema

were handed out tonight at the annual Suck My Cockscar awards.

Joining us now from the red carpet is entertainment correspondent

Crime Minista Molotovsticles.

Thanks, Krazee. It truly was a magical night here in Hollywoodville, Michigan,

where all the biggest stars came out to shine and shit.

And the Suck My Cockscar goes to

Sovereignty In This Bitch.

CRIME: Revolutionary war epic Sovereignty In This Bitch was tonight's big winner,

taking home six awards, including Dopest Picture and Best Sound Design.

Ya heard?

Let the word go forth

that our nation can chillax no longer.

We must rise against those who wish to fuck us up

and axe them in their gay boners!

CRIME: The film also earned a Best Supporting Psycho prize for Adolph Satanfinger,

star of TV's Shit's Fucked Up Hospital.

I wish my fucking father could have seen this shit.

CRIME: El Jardin de Sacos Testiculos took home Best Not English Film,

while the Best Animatified Film went to Wicked Ass Zoo.

Hey, yo. How we gonna get out of this fucking zoo?

We animals!

We belong in the zoo, bitch!

But let's not forget the real star of any Suck My Cockscar night,

the fashion!

Decapitatrix looked stunning in a vintage diamond necklace from Cartier

and a red hoodie stolen from Target,

while Blunts Assface rocked a smart Burberry coat and no pants.

All in all, a night of glitz, glamour, and ghetto-ass hocus pocus.

Krazee?

Some other big winners tonight,

Downest-Ass Bitch went to Her Vajesty,

Best Original Strangling went to Fuckfoot,

and Freshest Original Jam was a tie between the Nightmerican Skullfuck Squad

and Randy Newman. We'll be right back.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Previously on Lady Refs...

Jablonsky loves her some Dirkson...

God damn, she's fine.

...but Dirkson likes to play the field.

Look. Hot new girl in town.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Hot new girl with a male fiance.

He wears the ring in the family.

Jablonsky calls game over...

You might get the new girl, but you'll never get these.

FEMALE NARRATOR: If she can't service Dirkson,

she'll take her service elsewhere.

Is Afghanistan far from here?

You bet.

Well, sign me up.

Man, soon as I think reffing's the only thing worth living for.

Amen.

Damn, Dirkson. You're so good at jogging backwards.

It's kind of my thing,

but it takes a lot of concentration.

Here's to popping your cherry. Dirkson!

That shower was a one time thing.

Chillax, rookie. I'm talking about your ref cherry.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

* If you're offsides, out of bounds

* To play real rough and show them down

* Even you would get a bump

* 'Cause when I kick I kick it hard

* Every time you hear the whistle go

* That's me in control

* We're playing sudden death

* Lady refs *

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Play ball!

Keep it clean! Easy!

Offsides!

(CHEERING) Damn!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Let's go, girls.

I think the Unicorns should pack their suitcases.

'Cause they're about to take a trip

in the penalty box.

Capisce?

A bribe? What do I do? Dirkson!

Not now! I'm jogging backwards!

But, Dirkson!

(GRUNTS)

(DISTORTED) No!

(GRUNTING)

Are you okay? Are you dead?

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

I did everything I could,

but I couldn't save her

interior (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) ligament.

Oh, God! Not her ACL!

How long does she have?

Six months, to a year... (GROANS)

...before she, uh, can run backwards again.

No. No! (SOBBING)

It's all my fault!

I distracted her backwards jog.

There's gotta be something you can do.

Well, there is an experimental surgery but it's

very expensive.

Very expensive, huh?

Well played, Unicorns.

(GIGGLES)

(SLURPS)

I'll take that bribe now.

The game's over.

I'll take it for next time, then.

Next time's the finals,

and word is the Unicorns are a shoo-in.

Capisce?

Ugh.

Capisce.

(GIGGLES)

I believe this should cover it.

Look, I could lose my athletic trainer ID if I do this surgery,

but this is a lot of cash.

No one can know about this.

Then I'll prep the LR.

Locker room.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Someone say surgery?

Jablonsky!

Came from Afghanistan as soon as I heard about Dirkson's fall.

(HEART MONITOR FLATLING)

She's flatlining!

FEMALE NARRATOR: Next time on Lady Refs...

Ow! Clear!

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

(GIGGLING)

Ooh.

Are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only "ten" I see.

NARRATOR: Hey!

Presenting the world premiere of a motion picture produced especially for Funny or Die.

The movie of the week.

Tonight's movie, Terrorist on Flight 77.

CO-PILOT: And good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

From the flight deck, this is your co-pilot speaking.

This is Flight 77,

en route from LAX to Detroit, Michigan,

the Motor City.

We've got nothing but clear skies up ahead of us.

We might even have you at the gate just a little bit early.

Huh.

That's weird.

What's weird?

Radio just handed me a new message from the tower.

They want us to change our landing coordinates to 68 degrees north by 99 west?

That's like, uh, south of five point? South Dakota?

South Dakota. 68 north, 99 west, that's, uh...

That's Mount Rushmore, isn't it?

I think that is Mount Rushmore!

They want us to land the plane

on Mount Rushmore.

Hmm. That would pretty much have us

crashing smack dab into Mount Rushmore.

That seems kind of weird, doesn't it?

Huh.

Huh. That's weird.

That is really weird.

(BUTTONS BEEP)

68 north by

99 west.

(YAWNS)

You know what seems weird?

Huh. Them wanting us to crash the plane into Mount Rushmore.

Is it me? Am I... I don't know.

It just seems a little weird, doesn't it?

You know what? Maybe we should just radio in to Air Traffic Control and just

kind of double-check those coordinates. Couldn't hurt.

Couldn't hurt. (LAUGHING)

Couldn't hurt to double check. Do a little idiot check.

Hey, uh, radio man.

Radio man?

I'm sorry, uh...

I'm so embarrassed. I forgot your name.

Rusty. Rusty O'Brien.

Rusty O'Brien. Rusty! I'm so sorry.

So many new faces around here, Rusty, ever since the merger and the buyout.

Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, uh, what was I gonna ask you?

Oh, hey, would you, uh, run those coordinates by Air Traffic Control

just to see if that's what they meant, 'cause it seems

just a little bit fishy to me.

Just, just radio to the tower.

So,

that's a yes?

All right. Well, there you go. Okey doke. Okey doke.

Thanks, Rusty.

Huh.

(BUTTONS BEEP)

(MOUTH POPPING)

You know what seems weird?

Hmm.

Them having us crash the plane into Mount Rushmore,

instead of landing safely in Detroit

where all these passengers paid to land.

It seems like straight up bad customer service to me, right?

Doesn't it?

I wonder if we should maybe wake the captain up.

No, no, no, no, no. The captain had a very, very late night last night.

We are not waking the captain.

That's why there's four of us in the cockpit, okay?

I'm gonna call the tower.

Yeah, I'm just gonna double check.

Super duper idea.

(HUMMING)

MARK ON PHONE: Detroit tower, this is Mark.

Hey! Hey, how's it going, Mark? Uh, this is Flight 77 from LAX...

(WHISPERING) Tell him I said hi.

Uh, our radio guy just gave me kind of a squirrely message,

and I just wanted to double check that you want us

to land at 68 degrees north

by 99 west... 99 west.

...because we think that would have this plane

crashing into Mount Rushmore?

That make sense to you guys? Definitely will, yeah.

MARK: Give me a sec here, and I'll run it up the chain.

Don't, I mean if it's too much trouble.

Don't, uh... Don't, uh... Tell him not to freak out about it.

Oh, yeah. They're looking?

Yeah. Okay.

Hold music.

What are they playing?

Danger Zone.

(LAUGHING) Danger Zone!

Fucking A!

Goose!

Maverick!

Maverick, Goose!

I feel the need...

BOTH: The need for speed!

(LAUGHING)

Ah, the Gun.

Rusty! Rusty, you a big Top Gun fan?

The movie?

The movie Top Gun? Tom Cruise?

Kilmer?

Dead fighter pilots?

You never saw that one? Never saw Top Gun!

Oh, you gotta Netflix that one, Rusty.

That is a good one. Goody.

Cruise's always good.

He was always good. He was always good. Reliable.

You know, despite all the hubbub, just a great actor.

MARK: Found it. Hmm.

68 north by 99 west, that's Mount Rushmore, all right.

Anything else I can do for you?

No, I guess that's good.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

What'd he say?

Yeah, that's Mount Rushmore, all right.

Okey doke, 68 north by 99 west.

Who's on Mount Rushmore, again? There's uh, let's see.

You got, uh...

Roosevelt. One of the Roosevelts. Lincoln? Yeah, Lincoln.

Teddy? FDR? The walking Roosevelt.

Walking Roosevelt is Teddy. Yeah, you got Teddy.

And then, uh, right. You got, uh, George Washington.

Right. And... And...

Van Buren? No, obviously not Van Buren. Taft.

What were we talking about?

Uh, we were talking about, uh, Top Gun.

Top Gun!

Mount Rushmore! Right, right!

They want us to crash the plane into Mount Rushmore.

BOTH: Maybe...

We should run that by the old, uh, flight attendants.

This must be their route, right?

Yeah. They would remember, right?

Flight attendants to the flight deck,

flight attendants to the flight deck, please.

Va-va-voom!

Is there a problem?

Uh, no, not a problem per se, just a quick question which is, um,

this is your normal route, right? Right?

Oh, fourteen times a week, sir.

Do you remember ever, ever being ordered to crash the plane into Mount Rushmore?

I, wow, I don't think so, but then I'm not up in the cockpit, so...

Ah.

I know we never have crashed into Mount Rushmore, so there's that.

Right. You'd remember that.

I would remember that, I think. Yeah, totally.

Yeah. What about you two guys?

You ever remember being ordered to crash the plane?

You do? You do remember?

You definitely have?

So, on previous flights on this route you have been ordered to

and subsequently did crash the plane into Mount Rushmore?

(NERVOUSLY) Uh, every day the same old, same old.

Different day, same shit.

Huh. Huh.

Your guess won. There you go.

All right. There you go.

Maybe we should call the TSA?

No! Let's not bug those guys. Let's not bug them.

Yeah, let's not bug those guys. Yeah.

I hate to bug 'em. Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay, yeah. Oh, don't bug 'em. Don't bug 'em.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't bug 'em, don't bug 'em.

They're there. Speed dial. Okay, bug 'em.

That's okay. That's why they're there.

(PHONE RINGING) (SIGHS)

Ringing. Ringing.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SQUAWKING)

You know, it's still pretty early there,

at the TSA, you know. CO-PILOT: Okay, here's the thing.

We are over South Dakota right now, so if we don't quit squawking,

we're gonna miss Mount Rushmore, so...

There ain't gonna be no plane crash.

(LAUGHS) Exactly. So, uh, so I say

that's it, boom, settled, we're crashing into Mount Rushmore.

Uh, everybody back to your seats, and crash positions, please.

Yay! Woo-hoo!

Here we go. Very exciting.

Okay. Bye!

This is going to feel a little funny for a little while.

And... (INTERCOM DINGS)

Ladies and gentlemen, if you look directly out the front of the plane

you are in for a real treat,

and that is the face of Mount Rushmore heading straight for us.

Jefferson! Look at that!

That's who it is! That's number four.

And away we go!

Coming in hot! Coming in hot.

Did you say 68 north by 99 west?

Yeah, where you been, Rusty?

What part of "we're crashing the plane into Mount Rushmore"

don't you get?

(LAUGHING)

I think this is 66 north by 89 west.

Minneapolis St. Paul International Airport. Right!

Makes so much more sense! Makes way more sense.

Pull her up, pull her up. Whoa!

Just rerouting. Just rerouting. Whoo.

Just rerouting us.

Jeez, yeah, there's that big blizzard so they send us to another airport.

Yeah. Not crashing...

Not crashing into Mount Rushmore.

That's crazy.

Did I miss anything?

No, no, no. Nothing at all.

It's all good. It's all good.

(SIGHS)

I'll tell you, though, you let one more fart loose in here

I'm gonna have to drop the oxygen masks.

(LAUGHING)

Don't talk about your "underwear bomber."

That's this guy. That's this guy.

Oh, lordy.

Hey, don't blame me, though.

I was told by my boss that was going to be a lot better.

You know, that's the problem around here, though.

People at this company don't know what they're doing.

Isn't that always the way, though?

Guys like you and me get the shaft, while they get the mine?

Well, don't worry.

We'll get 'em back.