Original subtitles

I am the mother of his fucking child.

Yeah, twins.

Mmm. Shit, yeah, you right. Twins!

You might get the new girl, but you'll never get these.

On the count of three, say whatever's in your heart.

One, two, three.

Death. Intercourse.

No!

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's a good one.

(SIGHS) Women are fun to look at, aren't they?

I think it's pretty obvious they were made to look at.

Oh, sure they have brains and they do stuff.

Some of them do important stuff like run banks and teach math,

but I really don't like that kind.

I like the lookin' kind.

And I'll tell ya something else, too,

I like looking at different kinds of women.

Blondes, brunettes, the whole silly peepshow.

I think in tonight's episode you'll see a few women.

Now don't pay much attention to the noises

coming out of their mouths.

It's not very interesting.

Just look at 'em.

It's what we're supposed to do.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight on Funny or Die presents

episode one of Lady Refs.

Then Rachael Harris joins Rob Huebel in

Do You Want to See a Dead Body?

The Burn Unit.

And the movie of the week,

Sticky Minds.

Keep it clean, keep it clean.

Mmm.

God damn, she's fine.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey, Jablonsky, who's ball,

Panda's or Unicorn's?

Uh, Panda's.

Jablonsky, focus up. You're making me look bad out there.

(SIGHS) You could never look bad.

Hey, why don't you call this game and we, uh,

hit the showers like old times, huh?

No, thanks.

Ooh, look, hot new girl in town.

She's applying for the ref position,

and that's her fiance.

Get your mind out of her pussy, Dirkson.

She's not on our team.

Hi, I'm Kennedy and I wanna be a ref.

Score.

(UPBEAT THEME SONG PLAYING)

* If you're offsides, out of bounds

* To play real rough and show them down

* Even you would get a bump

* 'Cause when I kick I kick it hard

* Every time you hear the whistle go

* That's me in control

* We're playing sudden death

* Lady refs *

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

In that situation, I'd call a PK.

What's that?

Penalty kick.

Sorry, he's new to soccer.

Let's continue the interview inside.

Sorry. (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Girls only.

Yeah, that's all right. I'll just wait...

(LOCK CLICKS)

She thinks the new girl's so hot.

Wait till Dirkson gets a load of these killer abs.

Hey.

I could use you in Afghanistan.

And I could use a shower.

Okay. Excuse me.

In Spain, they call it football?

Fifty for fifty. Yeah!

You're a lady ref, now.

Whoo!

I'm gonna hit the showers.

You in?

No, uh,

I'm engaged.

(SCOFFS) What?

Engaged girls don't wash their hair?

Hand me the Pert Plus.

I can't reach it.

More like Pert Minus.

You might get the new girl, but you'll never get these.

DIRKSON: Jablonsky!

Come on, man! (ECHOES)

Hey, is Afghanistan far from here?

You bet.

Well, sign me up.

Hey! You got the job!

Boy, that was a long interview.

You were in there for five hours.

God, you are glowing right now.

'Cause I got the job, Seth.

Not because I just had sex, or anything like that.

Yeah, you did.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Next time on Lady Refs...

I think the Unicorns ought to pack their suitcases.

Capisce?

(DISTORTED) No!

She's flatlining!

Clear!

Clear!

(CHUCKLES)

ROB: Rachel? Oh, God!

Rachel!

Hey, it's Rob. What are you...

This is so great to see you. You look beautiful.

You look so sexy.

Rob, what's...

Your dick, what's going on with your dick?

Oh? Oh gosh, that's so embarrassing. I'm so sorry.

I fell asleep in the bushes.

I think I might've had a sexy dream.

Why did you break up with me?

Rob...

Come on. Do you want to hang out?

Do you want to spend some time together?

I'm actually on my way to go on a hike.

Wait. Which way are you gonna go?

On the count of three, you say which way you're going,

and I'll say which way I'm going.

Okay. One, two, three.

BOTH: That way.

I should just come with you. No.

Rob, I have a boyfriend.

The reason I want you to hike with me

is because I wanna show you something.

Well, I don't want to play that game again.

I'm not playing a game, I really want to show you something

that I think you're going to really want to see.

Do you want to see a dead body?

ROB: Tell me about this new boyfriend.

(SCOFFS)

Do you really wanna hear this?

How's the love making?

I'm not going to go into that with you.

Oh, look! (LAUGHS)

A picnic.

Who left this out here in the middle of nowhere?

(LAUGHING) We should enjoy this.

Just for one minute.

Look at these cherries.

Your favorite.

Yeah.

Cherries are my favorite. Mmm.

That's weird that they're just sitting out here.

These are so great. You should try one.

Can I feed one to you? No.

If there's seriously a dead body, we should call the cops.

I think you're lying. There is a dead body...

No. ...and I'm gonna show it to you.

It's a little ways over here.

Don't worry, let's have some wine.

I wanna toast to something. (SIGHS)

Rob, I'm not going to toast with you.

Mmm. White wine. You love white wine.

Okay, let's just make a toast.

On the count of three, say whatever's in your heart.

One, two, three.

Death. Intercourse.

(VIOLIN PLAYING)

Is that you, or the wildflowers? (LAUGHING)

Shh. What?

I thought I heard something.

(STUTTERING) Wait, what? Shh!

I think it's a bear.

You stay here. What?

Stay here. Rob, you don't need...

I'll be back. Why would you go to the bear?

I'll protect you!

(SCREAMS) Oh, my god.

Rob! It's a big bear!

It's mauling me!

Somebody help us, he's getting mauled by a bear!

It's a bear! It's a fucking bear! What? Oh, my god...

Somebody's gotta help us!

It's a bear!

(LAUGHING) It's a bear.

Fuck you!

Everything I do

I do for you.

I thought you were being mauled by a bear, Rob.

I know. You're so stupid. Why do you...

Look, he's got a heart right here.

'Cause I used to love you.

I don't want your stupid bear.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) I wish you hadn't done that.

Not much further,

sweet pea.

Oh! (SHUSHING) What? What is it the dead body?

(WHISPERS) No... What is it?

You have to see this.

Okay, what is it? I can't see. What is it?

Jesus, Rob!

They're doing it. Yeah, they're having sex. God...

Do you remember the last time we had sex?

Yeah, you farted

and shit came out.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

Can we go?

Just one more minute. No.

Come on. They're so young...

Rob, no. I'm not watching this.

Rob!

ROB: Okay, don't open 'em.

Rob, I swear to God if this is... No peeking.

...another fucking... (SHUSHING) No peeking.

...couple thing, I'm going to kill you. Now, listen.

Before I show you, I want you to know... What?

...this is going to be very sad.

Okay. It's gonna be very sad,

and you might need some emotional support.

Okay. Okay. But, I'm right here.

(WHISPERS) There she is.

Oh, my god.

I know, it's so sad.

No, that's fucking amazing.

Now, do you want to cry? Holy shit.

I need to get up there! Wait, wait, wait.

It's not really... You're not supposed to...

Look at her dress. Look at her dress! What?

We're like the same size.

Rob, I could get married in this dress!

Think about it. It's a great memory.

What are you doing? What are you talking about?

You finally get me.

Oh, my god, look at these. I thought you were going to be sad.

I think you're experiencing the wrong emotion.

Rob, this is what I've been waiting for from you!

I just want to comfort you.

The fact that you're so fucking edgy.

My boyfriend, he's not edgy,

he doesn't get me like you do. I'm not edgy, either!

Look! I'm wearing a tank top.

Rob, somebody took her ring!

Where is this coming from?

We have to find it!

You're a gross person!

If I find this ring,

you're putting it on my fucking finger.

Rob! Wait! I'm sorry I ran into you!

Daddy has to go to work.

MALE NARRATOR: These are the words that crush their hearts.

I'll be back.

Being alone for a dog,

is an incomprehensible nightmare.

They see things we cannot see.

They hear things we cannot hear.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

DEMON 1: You'll starve without him.

DEMON 2: You will starve here.

It hurts to starve.

You have tumors in your body.

They'll take you away

and put you in a cage!

Kill yourself.

They put your mother to sleep.

I almost forgot.

MALE NARRATOR: Don't leave your dogs

in the hands of the demons.

Leave them dancing.

The Beehive Gang proudly presents

Songs for Our Dogs.

A collection of over 2,600 classic dog songs

in a beautifully laminated 14 CD set.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

MALE NARRATOR: He loves it. And why wouldn't he?

He's listening to the beautiful dog songs

of Ted Grazer,

Lady Laverne,

and the flower of Boston himself,

Dar'el.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

MALE NARRATOR: That pooch is in paradise.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

MALE NARRATOR: Listen as masters of the art of dog song

sing all the classic d'ongs you know so well.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

MALE NARRATOR: With over 2,600 dog songs like

Pumpkin Pearly.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

Get That Ball.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

(SINGING BALLAD)

Oooh Ooh.

Beautiful Day.

(SINGING UPBEAT SONG)

MALE NARRATOR: You just did,

by ordering Songs for Our Dogs.

Order within the next five minutes

and receive an audio CD

filled with hilarious dog song bloopers.

(STUTTERING) I'm blocking the dog's...

MALE NARRATOR: All this for only seven easy payments of $7.

Or, pay it all right now for $59.99.

That's right, for just $59.99

you can leave your dog anywhere,

as long as it's listening to Songs of Our Dogs.

DEMONS: Go to him.

MALE NARRATOR: Show him you love him.

You didn't even notice I was gone.

MALE NARRATOR: Invite us into your home.

We only go where we're invited.

Call now.

555-0131.

That's 555-0131.

Again, that's 555-0131.

You know it by heart. Oh, thirteen one.

Well, you were very smart to come to us.

Mmm-hmm. 'Cause we all been cheated on.

I am the mother of his fucking child.

Yeah, twins!

Mmm. Shit, yeah, you right. Twins!

Mmm-hmm. So, ya'll gonna help me.

You got the money?

It's all here.

Okay, so what's the plan, ladies?

We gotta find out

what that motherfucker loves the most

and burn that shit to the ground!

Burn that nigger down to the ground!

We got a deal, Miss Peaches?

We got a deal. (WOMEN AGREEING)

Let's find this bastard and let him know

that The Burn Unit is in the building!

WOMAN: That's right!

Suspect's eating a three piece and a biscuit.

Stay on his ass!

Ugh! I'm losing my mind!

Oh, no, darling. We're in charge.

Listen, what you need?

Pills? Weed? A little coke?

Give me a pill. Okay.

Son of a bitch is buying condoms.

Ten for a dollar at the 98 cent store.

Motherfucker!

Who is he foolin'? He ain't gonna use 'em.

No shit!

All I know is

I'm never gonna check up on my man again

by just sniffing on the dick.

Hell no. Mmm-mmm.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Go! That piece of shit

is fucking a white cracker bitch!

(MOANING) WOMEN: Oh, hell no!

And the bitch got fake titties. I can see 'em from here.

Hand me my damn lighter!

Get your asses down here right now. It's goin' down!

Come on.

Girl!

(MOANING) Shit!

Looks like he's ridin' a fat, white rollercoaster.

Oh, it's making me ill.

(MOANING)

Let's hit it!

WOMAN: Yeah, baby, hit that shit! (GRUNTS)

Hey! (SCREAMS)

Get the fuck up off my man.

SAMAD: Shit, get off me!

Bitch, get your motherfucking ass out of here

before I fuck you the fuck up! (SCREAMING)

Pink pussy bitch!

Black womens got pink pussies, too.

Better believe it.

Who was that? I don't know that bitch!

Well, your dick seemed to know her ass pretty good.

When you fucks with her, you fuck with all of us.

That's right.

Peaches, I'm gonna beat your ass.

I don't think so.

Peaches!

Bitch, do your thang, baby girl. (WOMAN CHEERS)

You know what, Samad?

Fuck you!

Fuck this raggedy ass car. Now, Peaches.

Back the fuck up! (INDISTINCT YELLING)

(WOMEN CONTINUE YELLING)

Stop it!

Go on.

Wait.

I still love you, baby!

No, no, no. Fuck!

(CHEERS) Bitches!

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Burn, baby, burn!

Take that, bitch.

Come on, ladies. We have another client today. Hell ya!

SAMAD: Bitches!

Fuck am I gonna do?

God damn it!

NARRATOR: And now presenting

the world premiere

of a motion picture produced

especially for Funny or Die,

the movie of the week.

Tonight's movie,

Sticky Minds.

Here you go.

You're welcome.

Need anything else?

Okay, great. Come see us again!

Hey, guys, you can sit wherever you want.

Okay.

Okay. There ya go. Thank you.

What to eat...

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Tell you what I'd like to order,

piece of that lovely waitress over there.

Aw, she's a real doll. (LAUGHS)

I'm talkin' mother fribblin' wife material right there.

Yes! Can you imagine?

Oh, I'd kiss the curl right out of her.

Oh, here she comes!

Hi, guys, you know what you want?

Uh... (LAUGHS)

Samuel, you go first.

Nope. I defer you please.

Darn it. Okay, fine.

Can you just go first? (STUTTERING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Okay...

Phew...

What do you recommend?

Pancakes?

I love them.

I love pancakes, too.

Not as much as I do. Know what?

I'd like an order, por favor. Okay.

I'll also have an order,

please.

And I would like to buy you an order,

madame.

Actually, I'd like to buy you an order.

On the house.

Um, I'm fine, thank you.

And on the house would mean we would be paying for it.

You don't have to pay. We can pay.

We have money. We have

really good jobs.

All right. I will be back

with your order. Okay.

Okay.

Delicious.

(LAUGHING) Scrumptious.

(GROANS)

So, how'd you like the pancakes?

Oh, so good.

So, so,

so,

so,

so good.

These are some of the best cakes

I've ever had.

Hmm. They're pretty good. Yeah.

These

were the best pancakes

I've ever had

in my whole ding-dong life.

Know what?

Another order! What?

You son of a... Make that two orders.

You serious? Yeah!

More pancakes!

Um, and

you are very pretty.

And I like your apron.

(SOFTLY) Okay.

(SNIFFLES)

(FARTS)

Okay, can I get you guys anything...

Is he okay? He's fine.

Can I ask you a really quick question?

Sure.

Will you marry me?

No!

(SCREAMING)

Now, why in the heck did you go and do that?

I was gonna ask her for her hand in marriage,

but you snuck in while I was taking a pancake nap.

That is no fair.

That's not my fault.

You snooze, you...

Ow!

Just... No, no, no...

You just... No!

Well, just... No, no, no!

Do you wanna... (GROANING)

Probably better if you just... No, no, no!

I'm a doc... No, no, no!

Hmm. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have

stabbed you with my butter knife. You know what?

You know what?

Pancakes are on me.

Totally unnecessary. (CLICKS TONGUE)

I insist.

Check, please.

Take these.

Quarters. No.

Thanks for dinner. Hey,

you're my best friend

and it's your birthday.

It's the least I could do.

Thank you

for everything.

Expensive. Jeez.

Gus,

call the cops!

One more bite.

There's really not much I can say.

Thank you?

You got anything?

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

(SIGHS) We'll see you next week.