Original subtitles

Just kill him! (GROANING)

I'm trying.

All right, here we go.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

You know what's wrong with this country?

It's you.

Simply put, I am better than you.

It's the deer. They're in on it.

I haven't been this confused since someone switched my Depends with Pampers,

and I thought I'd turned into Benjamin Button.

(HONKING)

Oh! (CHUCKLES) How'd that happen?

(GASPS)

Oh, Miss Kettlespur here and I, we were just looking for

a plug.

You know, for the...

For the computer. And her bra got caught.

You know, the usual situation with a caught bra.

(CHUCKLES)

Miss Kettlespur, you can go now

and fix that bra that got caught on the, uh,

snag there.

She'll just... She'll just go and take care of that.

Hello, I'm Ed Halligan, Vice President of Sales and Marketing

here at Funny or Die, and welcome to another half-hour

of Funny or Die Presents.

It's another half-hour of completely original short-form comedy

you can only see right here on HBO.

Of course, that doesn't stop some of you from asking,

"Why would I watch it here, when I can see it for free on the Internet?"

Well, you need to shut the fuck up.

You can't see this on the Internet, because it's not there.

It's only here on HBO, and you haven't seen it before.

So shut it.

Now.

Here it comes.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Nework,

(SIGHS)

It's Gert,

Death Hunt, Part 1, starring Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel.

Also, Dave Koechner's Men of Unquiet Desperation.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Every year, my friends Johnson and Thoos take me camping.

You know what I hate about camping?

Everything. Especially those carpenter ants.

"Oh, so you're a carpenter, huh?

"Well, why don't you build me a house for camping?"

(HONKS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thoos, you are gonna love this ragout.

This is an old family recipe.

It's from France, but I'm sure your people don't know that much about French stuff.

It's special "gout."

It's gout.

What you say, Gert?

You're trying to pronounce "ragout."

No, it's "gout."

It's spelled "gout," but it's pronounced "goo."

R-A-G-O-U-T.

(GONG SOUNDING)

If that's how you spell "ragout,"

how come when you sign out for e-mail, you don't "logout,"

or when a batter strikes out, he doesn't run back to the "dugout,"

and when you're said, you don't "pout"?

(HONKS)

We have bigger fish to fry than ragout, Johnson.

Did you see the trail back to the car that Thoos laid?

It's all crumbs.

What are you talking about, crumbs?

Thoos laid crumbs. It's bear season.

He's gonna lead the bears right to us.

Bears love crumbs,

that means I'm gonna be

crumbcake!

(AIR HORN SOUNDING)

(YELLS)

Thoos, what are you doing?

He's scaring the bears away.

Bears don't like honks. They think it's traffic.

(HONKS)

This place is not safe. We gotta go back to the car.

We can't go back to the car. Half the crumb trail is eaten by now. Plus there's...

(SOUNDING)

(STAMMERING) It's... It's rush hour.

It'd take eight hours to get back to the city.

(SOUNDS WEAKLY)

Gert, you're gonna be in a bear's belly

and you're worried about traffic?

(GONG SOUNDING)

I hate traffic.

Have you ever been on the freeway at 5:00 p.m?

It's like asteroid traffic.

You know the traffic in movies when everyone realizes the 'roid is coming?

Uh-uh. I'll take an asteroid in the face before I'll get in that traffic.

(HONKING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, it's gonna be a long night!

(GONG SOUNDING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

JOHNSON AND GERT: * And that's how the boy went home *

(GONG SOUNDING)

S'mores? How about some less. I'm on a diet.

(HONKS)

(BEAR GROWLING)

I got it. Let's make ghost noise to scare the bears away.

I'll go first. Boo.

What? You two got soft heads?

Let's do this together. Boo.

Boo.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I like it better when Thoos doesn't speak.

His breath smells like drugs.

(HONKS)

Boo.

Boo. Horse.

Boo.

Boo!

Horse. (EXCLAIMS)

Beads! Horse.

I'm good! (EXCLAIMS)

I'm good! (EXCLAIMS)

Horse.

G'boo.

I haven't been this confused since someone switched my Depends with Pampers,

and I thought I'd turned into Benjamin Button.

(HONKS)

Horse. Banana.

THOOS: Horse. Let's make ghost noise to scare...

Horse. JOHNSON: That's enough.

We don't even know if there's any bears out there.

This is all based on a crumb assumption.

Come on, Thoos, we are out of here.

Every year you do this. You're just afraid of the woods.

Oh, no, I'm not afraid of the woods,

I'm afraid of the horns, the crumbs, the bears.

Hey, Thoos, man, what's the problem?

Let's bump, man!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Aah! The bear ate my friend Thoos!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(BELL DINGS)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Dude, The Celestine Prophecy will fuck you up.

I read that, I had to be alone for, like, three weeks.

Oh, my God!

I mean, we forget how shit used to be.

There were people who were just thinkers.

There were thinkers and there were seers. Seers.

And now, who's even doing that?

No one. Seeing. Like, who's thinking? Who's seeing?

Like, we're not taking time to think or see.

No, I know.

I know. I read that during hunter-gatherer times...

Mmm-hmm. ...the people with ADD, that they were...

The knights, like, the watch people,

and the, like, the sacred protectors of all the...

Like, tribes.

That makes... That makes sense. I know.

They give them a job, you know?

So, I guess I should just be, like, free and run throught the forest.

Did you really let Chris finger you on Friday?

Yeah.

Which finger?

That's his favorite.

(EXHALES)

MALE NARRATOR: Uh, now presenting the world premiere

of a motion picture (CLEARS THROAT)

produced specially for Funny or Die,

the Movie of the Week.

Tonight's movie, Death Hunt.

(FIRES)

(RIFLE FIRING)

Did I get it? Is it dead?

He'll die one day, maybe a heart attack,

or deer ticks. Maybe he'll get hit by a car.

CLAY: (LAUGHING) I gotta tell you guys,

I don't know how I feel about killing God's creatures.

Will you please shut the fuck up, man?

This is the one time of year we get to see each other.

I flew everybody in just to relax and kill some animals.

LIONEL: Why can't we just go back to Dollywood?

CLAY: I had a lot of fun at Dollywood.

You know what? A horse penis looks exactly like what you'd think

a horse penis looks like, okay? So can we drop it?

CLAY: No, what are you doing?

We gotta pray. No, no.

(ALL PROTESTING) No, we're praying.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Hello, Lord, it's Clay, your favorite.

I want to thank you, Lord, for this wonderful bounty that you've bestowed upon us.

ALL: Amen.

And also, Lord, I want to thank you for this time with my friends.

ALL: Amen. No, not yet.

Friends like Brad, here, Lord, thank you so much for Brad.

Thank you for blessing him with the financial wealth that he enjoys

and the independence. But, Lord, I also ask that you help him with his sin.

Help him with the sluts and whores

and the filthy garbage that he hangs out with.

Okay.

Help him with the finger-fucking and the asshole-fucking.

Help him with the fornication and the sodomy.

Help him with the whores and the shemale that did this to his face.

No, I cut myself shaving. I cut myself shaving. LIONEL: Shemale?

CLAY: Brad, please? I'm talking to God.

And also, to my friend Lionel!

Sweet Lionel.

Lord, I ask you to help him,

so that he can stop wetting the bed like a total pussy.

That... That was one time.

You're a grown man, Lionel.

It was at summer camp. Help him, God.

And, Lord, my veterenarian friend, Terry. Terrence.

Terry. Terrence.

Lord, help Terry understand the difference between a real doctor

and someone who does cattle abortions.

Why would I ever do a cattle abortion?

Lord, finally, I want to thank you for me.

LIONEL: Come on.

For making me physically superior to everybody here.

I am the best. I know it.

ALL: Amen, amen. Hold on.

Amen. (KISSES)

TERRENCE: Amen. That was a great prayer. Thank you.

Hey, Brad, everything cool here?

Yeah. (TISKS) Man, these European razors.

TERRENCE: Buy American.

Check it out. Take one, pass it around.

CLAY: What are these?

Only the latest in campfire grilling technology.

The pocket spit.

Just because we're living in the present, doesn't mean we can't have the tools

of the future. Gervin.

Did you just slip your company's slogan into casual conversation?

Actually, it's not the official slogan,

but our company's giving us a $10,000 bonus if we come up with a new one, so...

Oh, check this one out.

Gervin backpacks, light as a feather,

an eagle's feather.

Go America. Go Gervin.

* Go-go-go Gervin *

Yeah, that's bad. Don't do that one. It sucks. Not that one.

It's too long.

Gentlemen, hello! ALL: Hello!

Huntin' some deer? ALL: Yeah.

That's not a problem, is it?

The only problem I see is there aren't enough deer carcasses around.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I'm not joking.

Shoot some fucking deer, men.

Uh, okay.

I'm sorry, did you need to see our hunting licenses or something?

I don't care if you have a license,

just as long as you have a gun, and a healthy hatred of deer.

You really, uh, hate deer, huh?

Yeah, I do.

It all goes back to 9/11.

I was working the petting zoo, deer section,

when I heard about what happened

with the airplanes and the towers...

Yeah, we know. (ALL AGREEING)

Unfortunately, by then, it was too late to do anything.

If I had known earlier I could have made a difference.

I could have prevented it.

But you're a park ranger. In Montana.

Yeah, it's not your fault.

I know.

It's the deer. They're in on it.

In on what?

The conspiracy. This goes deep.

But you city slickers don't have a fuckin' clue.

Two words: sleeper cell.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL YELLING)

(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)

CLAY: Someone's shooting at us!

BRAD: No shit, retard.

No offense to retards. Some of them are nice.

He thinks we're animals.

We're not animals! We're not animals! We're not animals!

We're hunters! We're hunters!

Oh! Holy shit, they shot Lionel.

I see that!

(SCREAMS)

We gotta get out of here, man.

An arrow! A fuckin' arrow!

You go get the guns and the beer, I'm gonna get Lionel.

(LIONEL CONTINUES SCREAMING)

LIONEL: They put an arrow in my fuckin' hand!

Fuck you! A fuckin' arrow!

You shot me with a fuckin'...

A fuckin' arrow!

Lord, make my feet swift like the gazelle.

CLAY: Brad, wait up.

Lionel's been hit.

Gotta keep moving. CLAY: I can't!

I think he might be dyin'!

Fuck him, he's always been dead weight. Let's go.

What? Let's go.

Lord, please take Lionel

into heaven and forgive him for his sins.

I'm not dead. He needs a doctor, not a priest.

I just saved his life. TERRENCE: Did you?

You're not a doctor. Yeah, I am,

but for animals. Let me hear your heartbeat.

Only four of his five chambers are working.

Humans only have four chambers.

Get it out!

Hey! (CHUCKLING)

(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Put it back in. Put it back in.

Dogs don't normally bleed this much.

(SHUSHING) Shut up! Shut up!

What? Someone's coming from over there.

Let's ambush him. There's four of us and only one of him.

I don't know. The Lord says we should turn the other cheek.

TERRENCE: The Lord never had arrows shot at him.

You can turn the other cheek. I'm gonna put this motherfucker down.

He's right. When he comes over the hill

we'll get the jump on him. It's our only chance.

Fire!

Fire! (ALL YELLING)

TERRENCE: How are we missing?

Gervin scopes never miss.

Shot through the heart, and who's to blame?

Gervin scopes give all other ones a bad name.

Shut the fuck up. What, you don't like it?

CLAY: He's the devil.

All right, we're sitting ducks up here. We've gotta blow.

Follow me.

Come on!

(THUDDING) (BONE BREAKING)

(TERRENCE SCREAMS)

TERRENCE: Oh, my God!

CLAY: Terry, Terry!

Are you okay?

I broke what would be on a horse its femur.

It's a femur on a person, too.

Then I broke my femur.

Tell us what to do to help you.

There's nothing you can do.

I'm a lame horse.

Go on, kill me.

What? No. No. No. No, no.

Don't leave me to that maniac. Don't leave me to that maniac.

Just kill me, and save yourselves.

Kill me and save yourselves.

Let me do this, all right? I'm closest to God.

I've got the longest trip to hell.

Okay, how you gonna do it, Clay?

I'm gonna do it like Cain to Abel,

with my hands.

Good night, friend.

(BOTH YELLING)

(NECK CRACKS)

Ow, that hurt really bad! (SHUSHING)

Shh. Here we go. Goodbye, friend.

(SCREAMING)

Aah, that hurts! That hurts!

(SHUSHING)

It... (SCREAMING)

What are you doing, man? Just kill him. That hurts! My neck!

I'm trying!

All right. All right, here we go.

(SCREAMING)

You're not killing me! You're not killing me! What's wrong with you?

Fuck it. (SCREAMS)

(TERRENCE BABBLING INCOHERENTLY)

(TERRENCE SCREAMING) Oh, that hurts!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Hmm.

That's good.

(GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome back to Juggalo News.

Now, for the latest in jacked-up, psycho-ass financial advice,

we turn to Stackin' Dat Cash, with Shits von Biggenheim.

Here's what I'm saying. That's not the point.

Think about it. That's a no-dealer.

Gotta make the move. Come on!

Hey-oh, and welcome, I'm Shits von Biggenheim.

There's a lot of dope investment opportunities

for y'all out there to stick in your portfoles,

as long as you're not a retard about it.

Give me a call toll-free and I'll help your ass out.

Fugly P in Council Bluffs, Iowa, you're on Stackin' Dat Cash.

Hey, Shits, love the show. Thanks so much.

I was wondering. I'm all broke and shit, so what the fuck?

Well, if you are in a financial hole,

you need to take stock of how you got there.

For example, have you made any loans to bitches recently?

Yeah, a few. Okay, well, try the direct approach.

Just go to them and say, "Give me my fucking money, bitch."

I know you'll see some returns real soon.

Homicyclops in Brownsville, Texas, spit me some questions.

Hi, I'm thinking about starting a small meth business.

Do you have any advice?

That's a very smart move. There's a lot of money in meth right now.

My only advice, keep your overhead low,

and if you live with your parents, lock up your lab.

G-Zus Kryst of Stabzareth from Barstow, California, hello.

Hey, Shits. You got mad love for any auto stocks right now?

I don't know if I'd call it mad love,

as long as these companies keep pumping out these unreliable cars

that cater exclusively to fags.

But I am cautiously optimisistic about Fulkswagen.

They're about to drop their Assblaze CS500.

Now, this is a mid-size sedan, 60-inch wheels,

custom batwings, and in-cabin Faygo sprayers.

They're gonna sell a dumpload of these bitches,

so I say cop that shit.

(VOICE READING)

Well, that's gonna do it for Stackin' Dat Cash this week.

Hey, keep an eye out for my new dating advice segment

Tappin' Dat Ass. I'm out, butthorns.

Coming up next, allegations of steroid abuse

among the East Detroit Dope Sox.

Plus, Phats Cockstrangla reports live from the Gaza Strip, right after this.

Welcome back to your lives, America.

You know what's wrong with this country?

It's you.

Simply put, I am better than you.

Speaking of second-best,

Gerry Flesvig, my producer.

Come on, Flesvig. Feed me, Flesvig.

Feed me.

All right, you're on the air with Jack Prichard.

MAN: Hey, Jack, you're better than me.

Good, caller.

How can I improve your life?

I don't know what I know.

I want to matter but I can't.

I want friends. I want people to like me.

I want to be pathetic.

Get your balls back, Steve.

You disgust me.

Someone probably owns you, and you don't even know it.

This is Jack Prichard.

And you're welcome.

Great show, Jack. So refreshing.

Really kicked my sack in.

The phone lines are still blowing up.

Let's go out and celebrate, Flesvig. Get our feed bag on.

Somewhere high-end. You pick it.

Oh, Jack, uh...

It's all right, Flesvig. I don't bite on the first date.

You've earned it.

My treat. It's...

(STAMMERING) It's not that, um...

Some of us are going out for Mike's birthday.

Would you like to come?

No.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MAN: Thank you. Happy 21st.

Oh! (CHUCKLES) No, I wish. I wish.

Hey, guys, you ready to go out?

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN: (IN SINGSONG VOICE) Let's do this.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

Oh, good, Flesvig.

Stick around, I wanna go over tomorrow's show.

Hey.

Don't eat until I come out.

(SPANKING CONTINUES)

Well, that's the end of that.

I think we all know how the rest of the night's gonna play out.

A few drinks down at the Lamplighter.

Some early hits on women out of my league.

Some desperate groping in the bathroom with the usual barfly.

Throwing up, blacking out, and some time in detox.

But, I'll be back on my feet again next week.

(CHUCKLES)

See ya then.