Original subtitles

Is this... What purpose does a sandbag serve? I wanna be a cheetah.

Are the bars necessary?

You're not mad at me, are you?

I'm a lion and I eat monkeys.

(SCREAMING)

That's the only thing I love is monkey meat.

(GROWLING)

There's a cold breeze blowing through Hollywood these days.

You can feel it everywhere. People are scared.

The Internet has changed things.

The old models aren't working anymore.

Advertisers are holding back, waiting to see where the chips are gonna fall.

Television executives who once got fat sucking off the milky tits of network largesse...

Thank you, baby.

Now they're on the streets looking at hefty mortgages and overdue car payments.

There's blood in the water, and it's only gonna get worse.

More and more people are going straight to their computers for entertainment.

So, where does this leave the cable guys, the TV guys, the big studios?

Well, let me put it this way.

There's a lot of pants shitting going on out there right now.

A lot of people are hurting.

It's a great time for a fast, new company with low overhead

to swoop in and make a buck.

(CHUCKLES) Opportunistic...

Uncaring...

Cheap. That's who we are at Funny or Die.

And here's what we do.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight on Funny or Die Presents...

Do You Want to See a Dead Body?

With special guest, Ben Stiller.

(SIGHS) Brick Novax's Diary.

Tim and Eric's Animal Choices with John C. Reilly and Wilbur Ferrell.

And the Amazing Adventures of David & Jennie.

I don't know how the game is, 'cause I'm lost.

Well, then don't chew Doritos when I'm talking to you, okay?

No, no. If you say I should have a GPS,

I assume that then you're gonna follow-up on that.

I wouldn't even know what a GPS looks like.

Hey, Ben.

Hey. Hey, it's me, Rob.

Rob, hey. Yeah, how's it going?

I'm good. How are you doing? Who are you talking to?

My numskull assistant, Reggie.

Oh, Reggie's great. I'll call you back.

Why are you in this part of town?

I was trying to go to the Laker game and, uh, you know...

Oh, we're not close.

Do you know where it is, 'cause I...

Hey, let me ask you a question. Yeah.

Do you wanna see a dead body?

Not much further now.

Why am I blindfolded? Please don't take that off.

It's just better if you don't know exactly where you're going.

You smell that?

We had a bunch of gas back here last night. We were having a party.

You know what? I get carsick if I don't sit forward.

Oh, you are. You're facing the front.

Really? Yeah, you're facing the front.

Rob, if we go by STAPLES...

If it's cool with you, I'd rather just get out and go to the game...

Yeah, yeah. If we go right by there, I'd just love to drop you off.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Reggie, what's up? You're there?

Meet me at will call... When are we gonna be there, like 10 minutes?

Uh, yeah, sure.

He's saying like 10 minutes or something like that.

Tell him I said, "Hi."

How is his dong?

(LAUGHING) How's my dong?

He's laughing. Tell him it's long and strong.

Long and strong.

(LAUGHING) That was good.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do this. I gotta go. Bye.

So, I'm up for this Olive Garden commercial. Mmm-hmm.

You been going out on any auditions or anything?

No, I don't really... I don't audition too much anymore.

How do I get that going? That sounds like a... Oh, shit.

Be cool.

Hey guys. Uh, can you guys tell me where the STAPLES Center is?

STAPLES Center? I wish I knew. STAPLES Center...

It is something that we're looking for also. Yeah.

All right, well, thanks, guys. ROB: Thanks, man.

See ya later. All right. Okay.

It's funny, I feel... I know, I feel bad, 'cause I got like nervous.

A black guy is not just immediately a robber.

Oh, I forgot. Give me your mother fucking wallets.

Ugh. I'm out 60 bucks, man.

How about 10,000 fucking bucks?

$10,000?

You're not mad at me, are you?

Oh, check it out. What?

Someone spray-painted a dick on the wall.

I don't wanna... You know what? That's not cool. Okay?

It's a dick.

Rob, I don't give a shit. Okay?

What are you mad at? What were you...

I'm mad at you for wasting my time!

Ooh, we're gonna see a dead body.

Ooh, what are we fucking eight?

Ow! Shit. What?

What happened? I fucking twisted my ankle.

God. Shit. Stay here.

Don't make any noise.

Just be really quiet. What're you doing?

Be quiet. I'll be back. No, come back!

Fuck!

Oh, thank God. Thank God. I need help.

(PANTING) My friend, I need help.

I'll help you, baby. I'll put your balls in my mouth.

Why not?

What took you so long?

Don't worry about it.

Oh.

I didn't think we were actually gonna find a real dead body.

I thought it was gonna be like, you know...

You and I go looking for this

thing that we never find, but in the journey of looking for it,

we were gonna form some sort of unlikely friendship and, you know,

we'd learn some other lesson that had nothing to do with actually seeing a corpse.

That did happen.

No, it didn't.

We should go get a closer look. I'm not going to.

Yeah, you are.

Rob, that's disgusting. You shouldn't... The water's...

Oh!

(COUGHING) I gotta go.

This is beautiful. It's not. It's horrible.

Come on... This is beautiful. This is life!

This is not your Hollywood bubble.

What're you talking about? I'm not... This is important!

We owe it to this guy.

No, we don't. We don't know him. He's dead.

You're dead!

What are you doing with your life right now?

What? Get it together? Is that what you're telling me?

You're gonna give me a speech, like everybody else?

Get your shit together. I got my shit together!

Look at him.

No, Rob, don't touch him.

No, no, no, what are you doing?

(GRUNTS LOUDLY) That's horrible. Don't do that.

Just leave it alone.

(SCREAMING)

We owe it to him.

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted my friend, Ben Stiller, to see you.

Ben, look upon him. Please? Look upon him!

This is you in one month!

NOVAX: My name...

Brick Novax.

I'm known for two things.

My many heroic exploits and my legendary prodigious substance intake.

Now, with two weeks left to live,

I've holed up here in the Clyde Motel

to record my memories and preserve my legacy.

This is my life.

This is

Brick Novax's Diary.

(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS)

This is another entry in my diary.

I wanna talk about some time ago, when

I was the biggest folk singer in the world.

* You've got to always be yourself

* Don't put your dreams up on a shelf

* They'll say that you got to pretend

* But remember the dolphins are our friends *

My song about dolphin awareness was an overnight sensation.

It was beloved the world over by men, women, children and not surprisingly dolphins.

(DOLPHIN CLICKING)

I was immediately contacted by Flip Michaels,

controversial manager of the Go-Go Swingers.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What would you say if I were to tell you

I could secure you a slot on The Trip Michaels' Show?

NOVAX: Trip Michaels was Flip's twin brother.

The Trip Michaels' Show was the biggest show in the biz.

And I mean any biz, friends of mine.

I quickly signed the contracts,

then Trip showed me his collection of (GUN FIRES)

big game trophies. (DOLPHIN CLICKS)

Holy. God damn. Fuck.

All you have to do is sing my song, Dolphins Are Overrated.

And you're guaranteed to be a legend.

NOVAX: The contracts were iron-clad so he had me over a barrel

like a wet monkey in a rented squirrel suit.

Hours before the show, I decided to have a Chupacabra 14

at my favorite bar, The Intoxication Station.

Hey, stranger.

NOVAX: It was legendary soul singer, Maxine Staton.

She'd seen her share of troubles.

Don't you have a show to do, brother man?

Affirmative, sister.

But I seemed to be caught between a bolder and an unbreakable region.

I spilled her my yon,

how Flip Michaels tricked me into singing his tune,

that there was absolutely zero that this cat could do.

There's always something you could do, my brother.

* 'Cause if you're in the wrong situation

* Remember, baby, life is your own creation *

Right on. That's all I needed to hear.

Uh, Mr. Novax, welcome to the program.

Now before you sing you're newest song, Dolphins are Overrated...

I'm not singing any fucking song.

What? I don't understand.

Oh, I think you do, superstar.

You and your brother seem to think this world runs on money.

Well, maybe that's true, but that doesn't mean I have to sing a song

that denigrates the rights of dolphins simply to make a buck or advance my career.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) You, sir, are a phony and a fake,

and so is your brother.

Sir, I will kindly ask you to leave this program.

(AUDIENCE BOOS) Just like that I was out of showbiz forever.

Flip Michaels saw to it that I never recorded another note commercially in my life.

But that's okay, chums, because even if you're sitting down,

sometimes you gotta stand up for what you believe in.

You miss those moments and you miss out on the whole enchilada of existence.

That's it for this entry of Brick Novax's diary.

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

Did you know there were 265 bones in the human body?

Would you like one more?

Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Cheer up.

(SIGHS)

Hey, John. What are you doing?

I'm thinking about something.

Can you share it with me?

I'm trying to decide

what kind of animal I would be if I could be an animal.

That's what everyone's thinking!

Let's just both think out loud.

What sort of animal we'd like to be?

Exactly. Okay.

(BOTH MUMBLING)

The snake or baby snake.

Horse. Pony. A mouse with a pouch.

Any sort of fish. Zebra!

Zebra! No, I said...

Zebra! Zebra.

Are you gonna say the animal? Don't say it...

Baboon!

Barbara, the name, Barbara.

We're not getting anywhere.

It's literally the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know!

(WINCING)

(SIGHING) (GROWLING)

* I'm a monkey I'm a little, little monkey

* I like to jump around I like to look

* Down from my high up on the tree post (GROWLS)

* I like to eat fruit

(CHOMPING) I'm a little monkey. (GIGGLING)

* I'm a lion and I eat monkeys

(SCREAMING)

* That's the only thing I love is monkey meat

* But I love when they cry when they're in my teeth *

Is this... What purpose does the sandbag serve? I wanna be a cheetah.

Are the bars necessary?

It's called being keyed out.

And we're in an animated world, and...

Yes. You're the animals and the animated world's behind you.

You have to be very steady.

WILL: Okay. Couldn't we have something that was

the same color that wasn't 15 pounds? Yeah, like a piece of paper...

You know what happens then? It sags.

All right. Should we take a run at it?

DIRECTOR: And action!

Now, guess what?

I'm gonna shit that monkey out of my ass.

(GROWLING)

(SPITTING)

I'm a little monkey. (LAUGHING)

I'm gonna eat you up again.

(LAUGHING)

* I've got an appetite for monkeys

* All day long, I eat and shit monkeys

* All day long, 'cause I'm a king of the beasts

* Thus is the cycle of life *

I'm a little monkey.

(LAUGHING)

(GROWLING)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I knew this kid who... (DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Hello, How are you?

(CHUCKLES) Hello. I will take two thin mints and them digits.

He's not a Girl Scout, you chauncey.

He's here because he saw my ad on Craigslist.

As promised, this Captain Buttfist first issue is in nearly mint condition.

That's... That is not why I'm here.

Huh? Do you two ever think about what happens after we die?

All the time.

What's wrong? Nothing. Everything's fine.

You just seem a little bit distant.

No. Okay.

Oh, Abe.

Um... What if Jesus came back tonight?

What time, like 8:00?

Can we make it like 7:00?

Uh, sure, sure. If Jesus came at 7:00 tonight,

where would you go?

Oh, definitely Gabe and Mustard's.

No doubt about it.

Gabe and Mustard's is the place to be!

They've got the coolest games.

BOTH: Score!

I love the friendly staff.

I get off at 8:00.

(WHISPERING) But best of all and my favorite.

ALL: The Prize Hall!

* Gabe and Mustard's and you *

And me? That's what I said!

Um, I'm gonna have the moo shu chicken chops.

And for you, David?

Um, I'm going to have one of everything.

No, I'm gonna have Gabe's flaky steaks and...

Say it.

Also...

Your

phone... Favorite side dish. What's your favorite side dish on here?

Um, I'm a big fan of the cheese gobblers, with Gabe's secret knob sauce.

Mmm. That sounds real good. I'm gonna have that. That's perfect.

Thank you. Thank you, Sandra. Thanks, Sandra.

David, you gotta get them digits!

I know. What are you waiting for?

I'm waiting for the right time and when that time comes...

Look out, because I'm gonna seize it.

Speaking of time, that Jesus guy is crazy tardy for the party.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, oh, oh. It's like my wiener.

Please get away from me.

Oh, what's happening? Oh, where's it gonna go? (PANTING)

Do you wanna squeeze my mustard bottle?

Come on, give it a little squeeze.

Oh, are you having an asthma attack? I have an inhaler.

No, just getting pumped up.

Oh, cool for video games?

For confrontation. Don't worry.

Oh, okay. Don't do something dumb.

Okay, just no. Get away from me. I like the way your body looks.

Hey, hey, cut that out! Are you all right?

No. Hey, I'll say when she's all right!

Who are you supposed to be, guy?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, you don't look like a velociraptor.

Wow, this is really great for me. You don't understand.

I've always wanted to meet the guy who put the "turd" in mustard.

Well, now you've met the man who puts the "turd" in mustard!

Me! I put my turds in mustard.

What's your point? My point is that you've got two options here, buddy.

Oh? List 'em. List all of 'em. All right...

One, you get your butt...

Is one of your options? Huh?

Oh, and here's another option!

I've got two options for you! Oh. Whoa!

SANDRA: Oh, my god. He's dead.

Where am I? You're in heaven, David.

Heaven? No.

Can I go back?

Why would you wanna go back?

I'm in love with someone.

I completely understand.

You're emancipated.

Thank you.

That body cannot tell a lie.

SANDRA: David?

David?

David, are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

You gotta give me them digits, Sandra.

I thought you'd never ask.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

And this is what I'm talking about.

Here at Gabe and Mustard's, every Monday is fun day.

Wear a hat and get a free game card.

BOTH: Making baskets!

Yes!

ALL: Gabe and Mustard's and you!

And me?

MUSTARD BOTTLE: Yes, you Jesus.

We just said Gabe and Mustard's and you.

You know what? I quit! I quit!

We did it. See you next week. (CHUCKLES)