Original subtitles

Paco, Paco.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

You're making me blush.

This is so embarrassing. (GIGGLING)

You don't want any part of the stink

I got hidin' in this front butthole, kid.

Okay, okay! I'll talk.

(FARTING) Ugh!

You ain't see shit.

Don't say nothin'.

(CRYING) I thought she could handle this shit!

Paco, Paco.

You're right, we gotta bury her.

What you got, sugar?

Uh-huh.

Oh, yes.

Right.

Hi there! I'm Ed Halligan.

I know last year on this show,

I made a big deal about the world of television

and the Internet merging into one.

But, look how far we've come in just a year.

More and more entertainment

is coming out of our computers.

People now watch whole television shows

on their computers.

We really are reaching a tipping point here

where more people will get their entertainment from computers

than from their TV sets.

In fact, if you're watching tonight's programming

on a TV set hooked up to a cable,

you may be behind the times.

It's true!

Go on any college campus, you won't see

TVs in dorm rooms.

Just laptops and Xboxes and iPads.

Hey, I'll even go this far.

If you're watching tonight's show

on a TV hooked up to a regular cable,

then you're a real jerk.

That's right, jerko,

you're making a real monkey's ass of yourself,

sitting there like a first-class fuck-up.

Look around!

Does anyone else have shit on their face?

No. Just you and your dumb, old TV set.

Way to go, numbnuts.

It's like, the cable company has its wires

wrapped around your tiny, little balls.

You know, as a salesman, I make it my business

to come out here and pretend I like you.

But as a human being, I gotta be honest,

your mother is ashamed.

Enjoy the show.

(CHUCKLES)

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight, on Funny or Die presents,

Romany Malco's Tijuana Jackson,

The United States Police Department,

the movie of the week, Paco Dances,

and Mitch Magee in Welcome to My Study.

I'll be real, like, when I was about 8 years old,

my uncle

tried to put his finger in my asshole

while I was asleep, but I caught him.

It took 8 hours of surgery

to get my foot out of his fucking larynx.

You know. Man,

(STUTTERING) my momma, she didn't really

say nothing, you know what I'm sayin'?

She lets the motherfucker haul off

and pressed charges on me.

That was my first trip to juvie.

You know what I'm sayin' in here?

My uncle went off and had my little sister.

You know, I just realized, like,

you know what I'm sayin'? It's like,

you know, maybe had I not gone to juvie

my life would've took a different turn, you know.

Could've played sports or something.

Don't nobody say nothin' to my momma,

'cause she got bad nerves.

Too many people get to talking and making noise and shit,

she goin' to get all jittery.

Act like you ain't there.

You a fly on the fucking wall, for this one, all right?

Momma! WOMAN: What?

T.J. I know who it is.

What you want, junior? Do something for me.

Look... Are we on Ellen DeGeneres?

Oh, no, Ma, them my cameras.

Well, what you filming?

I'm a life coach now, motivational speaker.

They documenting me, you know,

changing other people's lives. People don't change, junior.

Can I come in the house? Not with that cigarette.

Okay.

Don't ask me for no money, either.

You need to water these goddamn plants.

I wasn't fixing to ask you for no money.

Okay, I need you to do a tagline for me, though.

It's going to make me look real wholesome

if I'm a life coach that's cool with Mom.

I'm not doing no tagline for you, junior,

till you get a job.

This is a job. It's the same shit that Tony Robbins do.

Who's Toby?

You know who Dr. Phil is?

Dr. Phil is a white man with a lot of...

Introduced to America by a black woman

very much of your build and stature.

I'm asking you to be my Oprah Winfrey, Momma.

Oprah Winfrey gets paid.

(STUTTERING)

(WHISPERING) Can I borrow $50? You got about $50 I can own?

Anybody?

MOMMA: Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Momma, I'll give you $20.

What you want me to say? Are you going to do it?

What is it, junior? Are you going to do it? Look what I got you.

Look what I got you. What is that, junior?

Soften up your features a little bit,

make you more wholesome.

Middle America don't take lightly

to strong African features,

especially with Michelle flaunting them big old yams in the White House.

Mmm-hmm.

Look at that.

(GIGGLES)

Just gave her a touch of class,

just like that.

Snap of the finger.

Do not light that cigarette in this house.

I wasn't fixin' to, Momma.

I wasn't fixin' to, I was just taking it out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get that.

Want to make you look more wholesome.

Put that like that.

And when you say it, Momma, just say it...

Say it, like, you know what I'm sayin'?

Like you love your son, you know what I'm sayin'?

Say it like you ain't never had a better son than me.

Okay? All right, I want y'all to frame her like this.

This is my son, Tijuana... Momma, Momma, can you look in the camera?

If you're sayin' it, say it to America, say it to them...

This is my son, Tijuana Jackson, science of triumph.

You gotta say it with more enthusiasm than that.

If you say it like that... Junior, my bladder is full.

Can you use it as motivation? I've got to go now!

(SIGHS)

You know what, that's good enough for me, okay?

I'm gonna take that, we're gonna edit it,

we gonna put it on the website.

You know what I'm sayin'? Upload it to MySpace,

Facebook, put this shit on Twitter.

You know what I'm sayin'? Anything we can do. Look,

what ya'll need to do,

go outside,

film some of the aesthetics,

so people know where I come from,

my lifestyle, my background. You know what I'm sayin'?

Go outside. Go on. Go film the aesthetics.

Out... Film... Yeah, good.

(FOOTSTEPS)

You ain't see shit.

Don't say nothin'.

Turn it off. Junior.

Get out. Don't you leave here without paying me.

Nope. Here we go. And what'd I tell you about smoking in the house?

I'm not smokin'. Okay, all right. All right, Momma. Bye.

(WHISPERS) Outside!

Y'all notice something interesting?

The first thing my momma said when I told her

that I was gonna be a life coach,

she said, "People don't change." Okay?

Y'all saw me take $20 out of her purse, huh?

You saw me give it back to her.

Two months ago... Shit, nigger, two weeks ago,

that would've been very different.

Matter of fact, I wouldn't have gave it back.

She'd a been ass the fuck out. Okay?

Case in point,

people do change.

I'm living proof.

Y'all get that?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Hey, partner, thought you quit...

Fuck you!

Okay.

What do we got here?

Break in the child pornography ring.

Fifth grader inside, Donny Lonovan.

Little perv was caught looking at this

and rubbing his boner on the tetherball pole.

Wouldn't tell us where he got it.

Yeah?

(CRUMPLING PAPER)

Well, he will.

LT. DUCCA: United States Police Department! LT. PHUK: USPD!

This is real. Put your pencils down!

Do not move. It is on, pal!

Tell me that isn't Janitor Carl Lopez going...

(GRUNTING NOISES)

on Ms. Hodgkins from third grade.

(STUTTERING) I found it on the ground!

Oh! He found it on the ground! (LT. DUCCA CHUCKLES)

The ground was where he found it. Okay.

Wrong answer! That is the wrong answer!

(FARTING) Oh, my God!

God's got nothing to do

with what just came out of my boo-boo.

Got some mud ghosts, and my butt is haunted.

Now, you're going to tell me where you got this.

(STUTTERING) I can't!

Okay, you don't want any part of the stink

I got hidin' in this front butthole, kid.

Okay, okay! I'll talk.

(FARTING) Ugh!

Burrito!

Oh. You will say it. I'm sorry.

I thought you weren't going to tell us. Okay.

(FARTING) Ugh!

That one's a freebie.

LT. PHUK: Perv. Taxpayers didn't pay for a cent of that.

(MUFFLED CHATTERING)

Looks like the cleaning lady had the month off.

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.

You want to come see my sketch show? No.

Bingo.

We are dealing with one sick puppy, Detective Phuk.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, farts!

Ow!

Doesn't this kid know how to play catch?

Hey, can I use that in my sketch show? No.

All right, sweetie, we're going to make this nice and simple.

Just admit that you've been producing

and selling child pornography.

I don't speak pig latin, ig-pay.

Wrong answer! Get him up there!

Hold him down!

You think boobies are funny? Huh? BOY: No.

You think storing milk is funny? BOY: No.

What kind of person are you, huh?

(GRUNTS)

You think milking boobies are funny? Huh? BOY: No!

You think ladies' pee-pees are funny? BOY: No! Ow!

Guess what?

Ladies don't pee out their butt.

Ladies don't pee

out their

butts!

BOY: All right, all right!

All right,

I drew those things

and I sold them to the kids at the playground

for a little extra Tamagotchi money.

So what? I mean, even if I do get charged

I ain't gonna do any time!

I'm a minor.

Oh, yeah?

(RIPPING NOISE) Ah!

Why don't you tell that to the judge?

Get him out of here!

Come on. BOY: I don't even have pubic hair!

What the... This isn't... No! This is not my moustache!

Another scumbag off the streets.

Yup.

Wanna fuck? What?

Huh?

You want to come see my sketch show? No.

Can't believe this shit.

Make me want to cut a motherfucker.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Ooh, I wanna slice somebody!

You gonna tell somebody it's a "rap party,"

invite a fucking rapper, you know what I'm sayin'?

This ain't a rap party.

Actually, it is a wrap party

but, you know, like, for a movie...

The end is also a wrap party.

Where the fuck are the movie stars?

Paul Rudd is here.

Who the fuck is Paul Rudd?

Paul Rudd. I don't know no motherfucking Paul Rudd!

Uh, the guy from Clueless?

Oh!

Who was he in Clueless?

The brother, he ends up with Alicia Silverstone...

Oh!

I like him!

Where he at?

NARRATOR: And now, presenting the world premiere

of a motion picture produced especially for Funny or Die,

the movie of the week.

Tonight's movie, Paco Dances.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Honey, we have 13 million views.

I told you it was a good idea to put Paco on YouTube.

Wow! Our little Paco is famous, isn't he?

We should really think about taking a trip to Hollywood,

meet some agent manager types, just like on Entourage.

I don't know, Terry, we're not really the Hollywood types.

Yeah, I know. But maybe Paco is.

What do you think about that, Paco?

Paco, Paco.

(INDY ROCK SONG PLAYING)

We just want what's best for Paco.

All you gotta do is take a look at our client roster,

and you will see that we represent almost 90%

of the animal talent working in the industry today.

What do you think, Paco? Paco, Paco.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life!

He's one heck of a bird.

Is it cool if I get a few minutes alone with Paco here,

have a little manager-client powwow?

Absolutely. We'll be in the lobby.

Thank you so much.

And anything you want, tell my assistant.

Hope you like money!

(SIGHS)

Paco,

I'm going to level with you right now.

You gotta ditch those two

fucking losers, all right?

Because they are nothing but fucking dead weight

dragging you down.

Now, do you want to be nothing?

Or do you want to be something

times

amazing? Huh?

What do you say, Paco?

(CRYING) It's okay.

I hope you know what you're doing, Paco.

(CAR HONKING) Let's fucking go, bro!

Ditch those losers, already!

(CAMERA CLICKING)

So, in Bird of Pray, you play a con-artist

disguised as a priest to escape gambling debts.

How did you prepare for this role?

Paco, Paco.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

You're making me blush.

This is so embarrassing. (GIGGLING)

And the award for best lead actor

in a mini-series or movie goes to

Paco! HBO's Escape from Auschwitz!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: This is Paco's... Paco, Paco, Paco...

...third nomination and first win.

(SOBBING)

Paco, Paco.

Hey, you're really cute.

Do you have any coke?

(SNIFFS)

(LAUGHING)

A diver one.

Whoa! What the fuck do you think you're doing in here?

Just gotta take a piss, man. What?

What the fuck did you just say to me?

(SQUAWKS) Hey, Paco! Hitchcock this motherfucker!

(SQUAWKING) No! My eye! He's got my fucking eye!

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING) God! My fucking eye!

(YELLING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Yeah, suck that bird dick, baby.

Two on one, two on one.

(SNIFFS)

(MOANS)

Oh, bad bird. You bad, bad bird.

(MOANS)

(SIGNAL FLARE PLAYING)

(DIALING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Hello?

Paco, is that you?

(DIALING NUMBERS)

We aren't mad at you, buddy, just come home.

Paco, say something.

(DIAL TONE SOUNDS)

(SOBBING)

(CRYING)

I thought she could handle it, man.

I guess I pushed her too far.

I thought she could handle this shit!

Paco, Paco.

You're right.

You're right, we gotta bury her.

Sorry.

(SOBBING) Sorry. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

(GRUNTING)

(SQUAWKS) Shut the fuck up!

(SQUAWKS) Look,

this right here

is going to be our little secret, man.

Right?

We're bonded now!

We're brothers!

It's just you and me.

Paco, Paco.

Let's go put this bitch in the ground.

I fucked up.

But I'm a good person.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

I hate that fucking song!

(SCREECHES)

Ah! What the fuck?

What the fuck are you doing?

Are you fucking nuts?

Ah!

You fucker...

* I have seen things

* Things I just choose not to talk about

* Things that only seem to frighten

* And offend most everybody

* Welcome to my study *

Hello

and welcome to my study.

My name is Mitchell.

You're always welcome to enjoy

the things that I've found.

I'm lonely, and I collect things.

Well, let's see what I've found inside my study drawers.

It's a mitten.

Brr, it's cold outside,

put your mittens on, put them on your hands.

Put them on...

So what else is inside my study drawers?

It's bolts.

You can't bolt me down, I'm a man.

So what else is inside my study drawers?

It's a few peppermints.

If God could grant me one wish

it would be to spend more time with you.

* I have seen things

* Things I just choose not to talk about

* Things that only seem to frighten

* And offend most everybody

* Welcome to my study *

Hey, that was fun.

We made some shit,

you watched some shit...

Mmm.

Fun shit.