Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,708
[*]
2
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,911
For the first time
in history,
3
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,253
one of our films
is gonna be seen
4
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,948
outside
the quad-county area.
5
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,291
[ALL LAUGH]
6
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,916
Nobody in this room
is dying.
7
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,921
[COUGHING]
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,193
What about me?
9
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:25,392
Not even you, bro.
10
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:26,663
Awesome.
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:27,730
Relax.
Relax.
12
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:29,058
Relax!
13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,633
Relax, relax, relax!
14
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,632
[WOMAN MOANING]
15
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:37,314
The baby just kicked,
do you wanna feel that?
16
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:39,605
[*]
17
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,654
[BOTH LAUGHING]
18
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,290
Oh, stop,
you're killin' me.
19
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:55,855
Oh, you are the funniest
person I know Ms. Loganthorpe.
20
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,556
Oh! Hello there.
I'm Ed Haligan,
21
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:01,599
head of marketing and sales
here at Funny or Die.
22
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,204
Tonight we offer
the usual variety
23
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,099
of outstanding
comedy shorts
24
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:10,171
for which we at
Funny or Die are so beloved.
25
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,341
Now we do understand
that comedy is subjective,
26
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,110
and there may be parts
of our program
27
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,778
you will not enjoy.
28
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,176
Comedy is not a science.
29
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:21,219
The only hard fact
we do know about comedy
30
00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:24,215
is that women
are not funny.
31
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,288
Oh, sure, someone like
Miss Loganthorpe
32
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:27,857
back here tells a joke
then of course
33
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,415
we all laugh
our asses off,
34
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,893
but that's just to get
into her pants.
35
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,962
Personally, I like
getting women drunk,
36
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,331
but laughter works,
sometimes.
37
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,201
Anyway,
won't you enjoy
38
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:42,170
whatever's
about to happen now.
39
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,614
[*]
40
00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:11,328
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:
41
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:15,272
It's Casual Sex,
with Andrea Savage.
42
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:18,639
From Rob Huebel,
episode two of Holdup.
43
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,279
And from the world
of Tim and Eric,
44
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,135
comes Jonathan Krisel's
Magical Balloon,
45
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,515
starring Karen Black
and Bud Cort.
46
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:33,754
REBECCA:
Hi, I'm Rebecca.
I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.
47
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,224
Oh, yeah,
and I'm eight months pregnant.
48
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,964
So I've only got
a couple weeks
49
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,388
to do everything
I've never done.
50
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,004
Some women travel,
or they find a new hobby,
51
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,526
like tying
interesting knots.
52
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:48,342
In my case,
I never had a wild phase.
53
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:51,306
So I'm just gonna
lay a lot of dudes.
54
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:56,005
Oh, I could go
for some barbecue. Hmm.
55
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,479
[*]
56
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,118
Fuck this.
57
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,361
REBECCA:
Let them be hairy.
58
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:12,487
Good news. I finally found
someone to have sex with me.
59
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,433
His name is Cal,
I met him at a party.
60
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,928
He seems very nice.
61
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:19,929
God. How did these
ever fit me?
62
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:24,043
Okay, just relax.
Deep breath.
63
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,467
Hey. Ha-ha.
64
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,184
Hey.
65
00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,836
[SIGHS]
66
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,953
You look beautiful.
67
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,345
Thank you. So do you.
68
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,688
Heh. No, no. Thanks.
69
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,552
Let's do this! Yeah!
70
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,324
Come on, big lady,
come on!
71
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,763
Give it! Give it!
Yeah, come on over here.
72
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,288
[BOTH LAUGH]
Okay.
73
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,104
Let's just back door this. Yeah.
Okay.
74
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,825
Ahem. That's--
Slow it down.
75
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,370
Ooh.
Yeah.
76
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,095
That actually feels nice.
Back to one.
77
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,670
Yeah, you like that?
Yeah.
78
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,198
All right.
79
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,244
Ooh.
Oh, comin' in now.
80
00:03:58,339 --> 00:03:59,969
Oh, fuck!
What?
81
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,043
Shit! Aah, okay, uh--
82
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,482
Oh, yeah.
No! No!
83
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,177
Not-- No.
Sorry, they're just--
84
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,080
Uh, my boobs,
they're just--
85
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,451
They get really sore.
86
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,290
And, um,
they leak a little.
87
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,915
Did you say leak?
88
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,220
I think I'll probably
just feel more comfortable
89
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,593
leaving this on
for some support.
90
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,160
So I hope
that's not weird.
91
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,728
No problem,
I totally get it.
92
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,927
My shirt never comes off
when I do the nasty.
93
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,159
Really?
94
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,633
It's a fact.
Really?
95
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:25,602
Yeah.
Ever?
96
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,229
I got a mole
the size of a fist.
97
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,095
I'm okay with you
leaving your shirt on.
98
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,742
Yeah, I'll leave it on.
99
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,408
REBECCA:
Huh. Should've got to know
this guy better.
100
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,437
All right, let's do this!
I can help you.
101
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,383
I got it. Let me just
get a breath.
102
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:38,908
[INHALES DEEPLY]
103
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,252
Oh, okay.
104
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,078
Let me just help you.
No, I got it!
105
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,082
No, uh, I'm just
gonna mount. Coming.
106
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:46,194
Oh, yeah, I gotta pee.
I gotta pee.
107
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,886
Ooh, all right. I'm in.
108
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:52,388
No, it's actually just
a solo thing that I'm gonna...
109
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:53,693
REBECCA:
I can't be on my back.
110
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,764
I can't be on my stomach.
Sorry.
111
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,173
Did you fart? Did you--
Could we just keep going?
112
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,695
CAL: I'm almost there!
Aah!
113
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,440
Normally,
I'm actually pretty good
114
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,406
at all this sex stuff.
115
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,235
I'm about a...
I don't know,
116
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,780
five, five-and-a-half, max.
117
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,176
Whoa!
Funny story,
118
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:12,747
I actually went
to get waxed and, um--
119
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,616
I know,
I know all about this.
120
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,745
Don't panic. Pregnant ladies,
half their bush falls out.
121
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,891
I read about this,
I know all about it.
122
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,117
Uh...
123
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,221
Tub looked
a little bigger,
124
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,833
when we started to,
you know.
125
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,285
Japanese soaking tub.
126
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,934
Is that what this is?
127
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,398
They're smaller.
Yeah.
128
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,027
The Japanese are smaller
in general.
129
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,331
That's what I meant.
130
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,173
You're completely shaved,
aren't you?
131
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,997
Yeah.
132
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:39,213
Looks like a hairless cat.
Let's get out of the tub.
133
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:40,506
All right.
134
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:42,308
[CAL GRUNTS]
And I'm on my back again.
135
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,580
Give it--
This hurts!
136
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,547
A couple minutes.
Oh, I gotta pee again.
137
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,906
Sweet.
138
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,354
Stop saying that.
139
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,249
That's it! That's it!
No, ow!
140
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,350
Okay, that time you farted.
Yeah, that was me.
141
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,864
[REBECCA MOANING]
142
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,286
The baby just kicked!
143
00:05:57,391 --> 00:06:00,331
The baby just kicked!
Do you wanna feel that?
144
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,898
Oh, God.
145
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,156
Did you finish?
146
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,374
No, not even close. You?
147
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,597
No. God, no.
148
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,971
But what-- What we did
would definitely
149
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,810
like in a court of law,
150
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,805
be considered
intercourse, right?
151
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,437
No question.
152
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:17,243
Okay, well-- Well,
thanks for coming by.
153
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,254
Yeah. Hey, no problem.
154
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,646
Give me a little
something on that.
155
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,278
Oh. Okay.
Up high. All right.
156
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,952
How about you, little man?
157
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,451
Okay.
All right.
158
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:26,653
Just to be clear though,
159
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:29,124
that was the worst
experience ever.
160
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,062
Yeah, that was really,
really bad.
161
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,789
Good night.
All right.
162
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,904
[*]
163
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,196
REBECCA:
Okay, why did I ever think
this was a good idea?
164
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,499
But the important thing is,
165
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,501
is I set a goal
and I achieved it.
166
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:47,414
And now I never have
to fucking do that again.
167
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:53,148
Oh, mucus plugs. Hm.
168
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,646
[*]
169
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,620
[*]
170
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:09,825
ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Holdup:
171
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,870
Everybody get your white asses
on the floor right now!
172
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,467
You shot me.
173
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,509
There are at least
two armed gunmen inside,
174
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:21,366
and they have taken
several hostages.
175
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,675
We need to come up
with a slogan.
176
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,576
How about "Yippie-ki-yay,
motherfucker"?
177
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,850
People are shooting at me,
178
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,418
I suggest
you get down here now!
179
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,177
Where's the backup, Doheny?
180
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,424
I've seen you
somewhere before.
181
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,420
Are you an actress?
182
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,121
Hand model.
183
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:38,362
Oh, yeah. That's it.
184
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,658
[*]
185
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:47,031
Oh, your hands
feel soft.
186
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,574
Yeah, I know.
187
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,899
Since we're all gonna die,
why don't we do it right?
188
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,314
Have a gangbang?
189
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,765
I'm up for that.
190
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,984
That's disgusting, Richard.
Yeah, come on.
191
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:59,176
We don't need to do that.
I'm gonna get us out.
192
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,079
How you gonna do that,
Shakespeare?
193
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,321
You don't have any cocaine.
194
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,645
I don't know, Richard.
All I do know
195
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:07,992
is that nobody
in this room is dying.
196
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,888
[COUGHING]
197
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,290
What about me?
198
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,461
Not even you, bro.
199
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,600
Awesome.
200
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,225
Okay, guys, listen up.
I got the plan.
201
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,430
I'm gonna
go up on that ladder,
202
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,373
right by the ceiling.
One of you call 'em in here.
203
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,138
I'm gonna drop down,
break their necks,
204
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,766
you guys grab the guns.
205
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:25,912
Why don't we let me do it?
206
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,806
I killed 89 guys
in Vietnam.
207
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,108
No, I got it.
It's my plan.
208
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,280
What about me? I'm little.
209
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,048
I can take off
all my clothes,
210
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:34,506
and cram my body up there.
211
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:37,645
I'll do it.
I've already been shot.
212
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,251
Guys, please.
I'm the guy with the plan.
213
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:41,993
I'm gonna
get us out of here.
214
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,219
I got your back.
215
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,533
You guys
should know something.
216
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,658
[*]
217
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,533
I'm an undercover cop.
218
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:55,872
Come on, it's open season
on jive turkey.
219
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,737
Hey, future prison rape-ees!
220
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,810
You picked the wrong guys
to fuck with,
221
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:03,839
so you may as well
just lay down.
222
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,654
Because you're already dead!
223
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,476
What!? Did that mark-ass,
224
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,151
trick-ass motherfucker
just threaten us?
225
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,549
'Cause obviously he don't
understand the situation.
226
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:13,522
See, we about to rob
this motherfucker,
227
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,621
and then we gonna fly out
for some jet packs,
228
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,693
or some other kinda
futuristic transportation
229
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:18,791
of our choosing.
Yeah.
230
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,492
And if motherfuckers
fuck with us?
231
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,064
Peoples heads' gonna explode.
232
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,502
[SIREN WAILING]
233
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:27,638
All right, call us
on the phone, motherfucker!
234
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:30,636
[PHONE RINGING]
235
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,468
Ha-ha-ha!
You see that shit?
236
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,272
These motherfuckers
are your puppet.
237
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:35,544
They do what you say.
238
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,883
Come on, you bastards.
Pick up! Pick up!
239
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,348
Start talkin', dickheads.
240
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,377
PATRICE:
It's abut time,
you son of a bitch.
241
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,082
There's been
too much bloodshed,
242
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,354
What do you need?
243
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,922
Tell him we want food,
homemade food.
244
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,460
The kind that come in
paper bags, like we brought it.
245
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,016
And tell him
it better be yummy.
246
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,264
We want yummy-ass
homemade food, motherfucker.
247
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,860
You got it. What else?
248
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,862
A tank, man. We want a tank.
And a tank.
249
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,174
A tank?
You heard me! A tank!
250
00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,665
All right, what else?
251
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,897
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
We want "Weird Al" Yankovic
252
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,472
to come down here and
sing a hilarious song for us.
253
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,171
How the hell am I supposed
to get Weird Al?
254
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,883
You got two hours before
everybody dies, motherfucker!
255
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,876
[*]
256
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:18,347
Hey, guys, help!
Help, we got a problem in here!
257
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,491
Guys, hurry up,
we got a problem!
258
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,158
What the fuck
is going on in here?
259
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:26,186
I thought I told you to keep
your goddamn mouth shut!
260
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,031
What the fuck is going on?
What's behind your back?
261
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,498
Give me this shit.
262
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,529
Y'all motherfuckers
wanna play games.
263
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,144
We about
to play some games.
264
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,466
It ain't gonna be fun!
265
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,570
All you motherfuckers
is gonna die!
266
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,173
[SCREAMS]
267
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,544
ROBBER 1:
Put your hands down!
Playtime is over!
268
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,053
MAXINE: No, please! Aah!
[GUNSHOTS]
269
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,306
[MAXINE SOBBING]
270
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,154
[ALL SCREAMING]
271
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,849
No! We have cocaine!
We can give you cocaine!
272
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,423
Is it bad? Is it bad?
273
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,262
Those guys are badass.
274
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:01,358
Where were you, faggot?
What the hell happened?
275
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,931
Yippie-ki-yay,
motherfuckers?
276
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,068
ANNOUNCER:
Next time on Holdup:
277
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,437
I think I'm gonna need
a hand job.
278
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:10,966
Okay, I think we can work
that out.
279
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,441
Maxine?
280
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:19,048
Oh, right. You got
your hands blown off.
281
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,918
[*]
282
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,387
[*]
283
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,728
[*]
284
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:56,882
STDs are no
laughing matter.
285
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,954
I found that working
in the food cart--
286
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,552
Oh, working in
the food court is fun!
287
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,794
Working with people
is extremely tedious.
288
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,491
And that's it, folks.
Everything you'll need
289
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:10,333
to create your own
taxidermy.
290
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,130
Isn't that right, Bongo?
291
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,432
[*]
292
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:25,354
BOTH:
Please, give us a try.
And thanks.
293
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,424
Beautiful. I'd love
to work with you two.
294
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,591
Uh, what can
we do you for?
295
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,590
I need to adapt
a book into a movie.
296
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,562
Oh.
297
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:44,701
Well, of course.
298
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,198
We have just been waiting
299
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,099
for the right project
to come along.
300
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:50,401
Well, actually, it's more
of a pamphlet, I guess.
301
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,542
But...
302
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:02,324
Just a few simple ideas
to help people relax.
303
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,620
I love relaxing.
304
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,918
I wanna bring the message
of relaxing
305
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,261
to a wider audience.
306
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,186
That's why I wanna
turn it into a video.
307
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,761
Well, that is...
308
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:15,300
BOTH:
Our specialty.
309
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,525
Now, I am a pamphlet guy,
not a video guy.
310
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,130
So I'm entrusting you.
You know,
311
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,903
use the pamphlet
as your Bible.
312
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,572
But adapt it
to your creative medium,
313
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:24,600
have fun with it.
314
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:25,774
Great.
315
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:27,573
Not-- Not too much fun.
316
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,714
Uh, I do need to keep
costs low on this.
317
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,850
It's sort of
an out-of-pocket,
318
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,446
personal project for me.
319
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,447
Of course, sure.
Well, uh,
320
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,449
I assume we're talking
a 30/70 profit share.
321
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,893
Uh, but I want
you to know,
322
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:46,159
I am totally open
to a buyout.
323
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:48,964
[WHISPERS]
Quit it.
324
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,132
Let's make movies.
325
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:52,401
[*]
326
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,529
I have always dreamed
of being a movie star
327
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:58,414
so it's just in my blood.
328
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:02,105
Well, every library
card-holder in the nation,
329
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,639
is gonna be seeing
your two beautiful faces.
330
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:07,254
[*]
331
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,124
[GASPS]
332
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,522
[DEBBIE LAUGHS]
333
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:20,034
[DEBBIE MOANING]
334
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:24,974
I have to go home
and start plucking and tweezing.
335
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,765
Right. I gotta get back
to the office
336
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,136
to start writing
and prepping.
337
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,935
Uh, I gotta call Jerry,
I gotta call Ed,
338
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,467
I gotta call Burt.
339
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,035
Well, actually
I need a ride.
340
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,941
Uh, you drove us here.
341
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,583
Uh, sure, sure.
342
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:38,847
Okay.
343
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:42,576
[*]
344
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,613
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
345
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,751
And cut.
346
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,663
Sorry, guys,
347
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,515
I got a big announcement.
348
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:29,004
We have just landed
a huge national job.
349
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,056
For the first time
in history,
350
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,804
one of our films
is gonna be seen
351
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:35,439
outside the quad-county area.
352
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:36,435
Wow.
353
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,236
[ALL LAUGH]
354
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,942
Pete? I'm dead serious.
355
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,282
I want you to spare
no expenses on this project.
356
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,977
Okay.
I wanna go from this to that.
357
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,420
I want a camera here, here,
here, here, here, here.
358
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,946
I want every bell,
I want every whistle.
359
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,352
As a matter of fact,
I want every bell,
360
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,263
whistle if you could
pull that off.
361
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:56,355
Yes, sir.
362
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,856
Pete, I'm kidding
about the last one.
363
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,528
[PHONE RINGING]
364
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:01,727
Let me get that.
365
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:04,128
Oh, and Pete,
This is pro time.
366
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:08,101
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you.
367
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:16,041
So who's gonna be
the star of your new video,
368
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,883
Mr. Hotshot Director?
369
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,408
Uh, well...
370
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,683
Rob, your, uh,
wife's on Line 1.
371
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,123
You know,
372
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:27,018
I make a great understudy too.
373
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:33,860
Yes, understudy,
marvelous idea.
374
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,460
You're hired.
375
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,401
[SIGHS]
376
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,641
Aah. Phew.
377
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:45,737
Hello.
378
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,278
Shh, quieter.
379
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:52,175
I've been fasting
to look my best for the video,
380
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,519
My body is sensitive
right now.
381
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:59,385
Have you had a chance
to write the screenplay yet?
382
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:01,246
Sure. Uh, no, no.
383
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,864
Uh, no. Uh, you know,
I'm just getting
384
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,626
all of my ducks in a row.
Right?
385
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,155
[DEBBIE LAUGHS]
386
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,061
Well, you know what to do.
387
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,173
Just make me look beautiful.
388
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,195
Make you look beautiful?
389
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,636
Thank you. Thank you.
390
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,440
[LAUGHS]
391
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,412
Thank you.
392
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,582
It's just an honor
to be nominated.
393
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:34,120
This is for
all those people
394
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:37,421
who told me to never
give up on my dreams.
395
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,497
[*]
396
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:56,805
* Shiny, shiny, shiny
397
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:02,419
* I'm through
With being tiny *
398
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:09,085
* I'm finally
Who I knew I was *
399
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,119
MAN:
I loved you
in the Relax video.
400
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:15,034
Oh, thank you so much.
What's your name?
401
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,958
MAN:
Steven Jacob Henderson.
402
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:19,533
* Magical, magical
403
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,902
* Magical balloon
404
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:25,101
* Take me above the stars
405
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:28,235
* Take me above the moon
406
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:31,241
I'm dazzled by all of these.
407
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:34,084
But I'll tassel you to...
408
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:37,521
* Take me to heaven above
409
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:41,847
* So I can look down
On that blue world *
410
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:51,804
I actually wrote the pamphlet
this movie's based on.
411
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,768
Hm.
412
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,735
Okay, everybody, here we go.
And action!
413
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:01,308
[*]
414
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:06,652
Relax.
415
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:07,846
Relax.
416
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,117
Relax.
Relax.
417
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,116
Relax!
418
00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:11,077
Relax.
419
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,824
Relax.
Relax.
420
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:14,289
Relax. Relax. Relax.
421
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,387
Relax. Relax.
Relax. Relax.
422
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,819
Relax!
423
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,094
Relax, relax, relax!
424
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,503
BOTH: Relax.
[SQUEALS]
425
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,025
[*]
426
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:29,101
Yes. We all get
stressed out,
427
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:32,642
and relaxation seems
to be the only cure.
428
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:36,779
A great way to start
is by breathing.
429
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,376
[INHALES SHARPLY]
430
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,882
[*]
431
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,347
Today I am going
to show you
432
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:47,793
a special breathing technique
433
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,257
that I have developed
that'll help you relax.
434
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,587
And I have Debbie here,
435
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,861
who'll be our
proverbial lab rat.
436
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:58,832
I'm interested in learning
how to breathe.
437
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,501
Okay, great.
438
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,670
I want you to first start off
by taking a deep breath.
439
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:07,740
Inhale, two, three, four.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
440
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,140
Hold, two, three, four.
441
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,214
And exhale, two...
[EXHALES]
442
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,813
...three, four.
443
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:18,454
And inhale, two, three, hold.
444
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,321
Exhale, two, three.
[PANTING]
445
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,890
And inhale, two, three.
446
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:24,559
Hold, two, three.
447
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,857
Exhale, two, three.
I've been fasting.
448
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:29,729
And in one, hold.
[GROANS]
449
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,159
And in, two, three, four.
450
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,795
Exhale, two, three, four.
451
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,401
And inhale,
452
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,473
[VOICE DISTORTING]
two, three, four, hold...
453
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,282
[*]
454
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:43,775
[DEBBIE GROANS]
455
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,346
ROB:
It's okay. Sweetheart,
you just need to r--
456
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,276
That is not how
it's supposed to happen.
457
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,051
ROB: Oh?
[GROANS]
458
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,319
Do we get
any usable footage?
459
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,388
God, yes, the footage
is fabulous.
460
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,916
JEFF:
How will we continue
without Debbie?
461
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,332
Crouch, got it handled.
462
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,557
[*]
463
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:08,897
Listening to music
is a great way to relax.
464
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:12,041
Five, six, seven.
465
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:13,438
Eight.
466
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:17,310
[JAZZY ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYING ON KEYBOARD]
467
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,420
Just let the music take you
to a gentler, softer,
468
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,847
more supple place.
469
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,428
And don't forget
that relaxing
470
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:42,800
can be the key to staying
calm under pressure.
471
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:49,443
[SCREAMING]
472
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:55,079
Cut, cut, cut. Anyone?
473
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:57,321
You slime! You worm!
474
00:21:57,417 --> 00:22:00,487
You're ruining my dream.
Our dream!
475
00:22:00,587 --> 00:22:04,317
Mr. Crouch, please, everything
is just fine. Don't worry.
476
00:22:04,424 --> 00:22:07,764
That salami between your legs
couldn't help itself.
477
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:09,230
Is that it?
478
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,198
And who the hell
is that imposter?!
479
00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:12,597
Debbie, I can tell
you're upset,
480
00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,399
but let's just put
a pin in it okay?
481
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:17,671
And my vision is
at stake here too.
482
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:20,910
You were supposed
to make me a star.
483
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,907
Not anybody else.
484
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,310
[SCREAMS]
485
00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:28,182
[*]
486
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,780
Baby, you are the star.
487
00:22:30,883 --> 00:22:32,053
[GASPING]
488
00:22:32,151 --> 00:22:33,251
[DISTORTED LAUGHING]
489
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:36,762
She was just my--
My homage to you.
490
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,656
Fuck that.
491
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:39,888
[SCREAMING]
492
00:22:39,992 --> 00:22:42,802
[*]
493
00:22:42,895 --> 00:22:44,325
Please.
494
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:46,001
Please just give me
one more chance.
495
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:48,868
No one is ever gonna worship
the ground you walk on,
496
00:22:48,968 --> 00:22:51,138
the way I do.
497
00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:56,642
Bobo hurt MooMoo.
498
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,347
Bobo love MooMoo.
499
00:23:00,447 --> 00:23:03,517
Bobo sorry.
500
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:06,416
Bobo troobs belove Moomers.
501
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,017
Bobo loo-loo teesty.
502
00:23:13,426 --> 00:23:17,796
[*]
503
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,627
[SIGHS]
504
00:23:21,367 --> 00:23:23,667
[MOANING SOFTLY]
505
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:30,605
I love you,
Debbie Melora Rubbie.
506
00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:36,379
[WHISPERING]
I love you,
507
00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:41,553
Robert Buddy Rubbie.
508
00:23:41,654 --> 00:23:45,194
[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
509
00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:06,680
[*]
510
00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:12,616
[*]
511
00:24:19,726 --> 00:24:22,856
Well, not much to say.
512
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:24,462
It's over.
513
00:24:24,564 --> 00:24:28,074
I'll be back next week
because they pay me.
514
00:24:30,102 --> 00:24:32,672
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
515
00:24:36,509 --> 00:24:42,449
[*]
516
00:24:42,549 --> 00:24:45,619
[*]
34713
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