Original subtitles

[*]

For the first time in history,

one of our films is gonna be seen

outside the quad-county area.

[ALL LAUGH]

Nobody in this room is dying.

[COUGHING]

What about me?

Not even you, bro.

Awesome.

Relax. Relax.

Relax!

Relax, relax, relax!

[WOMAN MOANING]

The baby just kicked, do you wanna feel that?

[*]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, stop, you're killin' me.

Oh, you are the funniest person I know Ms. Loganthorpe.

Oh! Hello there. I'm Ed Haligan,

head of marketing and sales here at Funny or Die.

Tonight we offer the usual variety

of outstanding comedy shorts

for which we at Funny or Die are so beloved.

Now we do understand that comedy is subjective,

and there may be parts of our program

you will not enjoy.

Comedy is not a science.

The only hard fact we do know about comedy

is that women are not funny.

Oh, sure, someone like Miss Loganthorpe

back here tells a joke then of course

we all laugh our asses off,

but that's just to get into her pants.

Personally, I like getting women drunk,

but laughter works, sometimes.

Anyway, won't you enjoy

whatever's about to happen now.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:

It's Casual Sex, with Andrea Savage.

From Rob Huebel, episode two of Holdup.

And from the world of Tim and Eric,

comes Jonathan Krisel's Magical Balloon,

starring Karen Black and Bud Cort.

REBECCA: Hi, I'm Rebecca. I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.

Oh, yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant.

So I've only got a couple weeks

to do everything I've never done.

Some women travel, or they find a new hobby,

like tying interesting knots.

In my case, I never had a wild phase.

So I'm just gonna lay a lot of dudes.

Oh, I could go for some barbecue. Hmm.

[*]

Fuck this.

REBECCA: Let them be hairy.

Good news. I finally found someone to have sex with me.

His name is Cal, I met him at a party.

He seems very nice.

God. How did these ever fit me?

Okay, just relax. Deep breath.

Hey. Ha-ha.

Hey.

[SIGHS]

You look beautiful.

Thank you. So do you.

Heh. No, no. Thanks.

Let's do this! Yeah!

Come on, big lady, come on!

Give it! Give it! Yeah, come on over here.

[BOTH LAUGH] Okay.

Let's just back door this. Yeah. Okay.

Ahem. That's-- Slow it down.

Ooh. Yeah.

That actually feels nice. Back to one.

Yeah, you like that? Yeah.

All right.

Ooh. Oh, comin' in now.

Oh, fuck! What?

Shit! Aah, okay, uh--

Oh, yeah. No! No!

Not-- No. Sorry, they're just--

Uh, my boobs, they're just--

They get really sore.

And, um, they leak a little.

Did you say leak?

I think I'll probably just feel more comfortable

leaving this on for some support.

So I hope that's not weird.

No problem, I totally get it.

My shirt never comes off when I do the nasty.

Really?

It's a fact. Really?

Yeah. Ever?

I got a mole the size of a fist.

I'm okay with you leaving your shirt on.

Yeah, I'll leave it on.

REBECCA: Huh. Should've got to know this guy better.

All right, let's do this! I can help you.

I got it. Let me just get a breath.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Oh, okay.

Let me just help you. No, I got it!

No, uh, I'm just gonna mount. Coming.

Oh, yeah, I gotta pee. I gotta pee.

Ooh, all right. I'm in.

No, it's actually just a solo thing that I'm gonna...

REBECCA: I can't be on my back.

I can't be on my stomach. Sorry.

Did you fart? Did you-- Could we just keep going?

CAL: I'm almost there! Aah!

Normally, I'm actually pretty good

at all this sex stuff.

I'm about a... I don't know,

five, five-and-a-half, max.

Whoa! Funny story,

I actually went to get waxed and, um--

I know, I know all about this.

Don't panic. Pregnant ladies, half their bush falls out.

I read about this, I know all about it.

Uh...

Tub looked a little bigger,

when we started to, you know.

Japanese soaking tub.

Is that what this is?

They're smaller. Yeah.

The Japanese are smaller in general.

That's what I meant.

You're completely shaved, aren't you?

Yeah.

Looks like a hairless cat. Let's get out of the tub.

All right.

[CAL GRUNTS] And I'm on my back again.

Give it-- This hurts!

A couple minutes. Oh, I gotta pee again.

Sweet.

Stop saying that.

That's it! That's it! No, ow!

Okay, that time you farted. Yeah, that was me.

[REBECCA MOANING]

The baby just kicked!

The baby just kicked! Do you wanna feel that?

Oh, God.

Did you finish?

No, not even close. You?

No. God, no.

But what-- What we did would definitely

like in a court of law,

be considered intercourse, right?

No question.

Okay, well-- Well, thanks for coming by.

Yeah. Hey, no problem.

Give me a little something on that.

Oh. Okay. Up high. All right.

How about you, little man?

Okay. All right.

Just to be clear though,

that was the worst experience ever.

Yeah, that was really, really bad.

Good night. All right.

[*]

REBECCA: Okay, why did I ever think this was a good idea?

But the important thing is,

is I set a goal and I achieved it.

And now I never have to fucking do that again.

Oh, mucus plugs. Hm.

[*]

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Holdup:

Everybody get your white asses on the floor right now!

You shot me.

There are at least two armed gunmen inside,

and they have taken several hostages.

We need to come up with a slogan.

How about "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker"?

People are shooting at me,

I suggest you get down here now!

Where's the backup, Doheny?

I've seen you somewhere before.

Are you an actress?

Hand model.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

[*]

Oh, your hands feel soft.

Yeah, I know.

Since we're all gonna die, why don't we do it right?

Have a gangbang?

I'm up for that.

That's disgusting, Richard. Yeah, come on.

We don't need to do that. I'm gonna get us out.

How you gonna do that, Shakespeare?

You don't have any cocaine.

I don't know, Richard. All I do know

is that nobody in this room is dying.

[COUGHING]

What about me?

Not even you, bro.

Awesome.

Okay, guys, listen up. I got the plan.

I'm gonna go up on that ladder,

right by the ceiling. One of you call 'em in here.

I'm gonna drop down, break their necks,

you guys grab the guns.

Why don't we let me do it?

I killed 89 guys in Vietnam.

No, I got it. It's my plan.

What about me? I'm little.

I can take off all my clothes,

and cram my body up there.

I'll do it. I've already been shot.

Guys, please. I'm the guy with the plan.

I'm gonna get us out of here.

I got your back.

You guys should know something.

[*]

I'm an undercover cop.

Come on, it's open season on jive turkey.

Hey, future prison rape-ees!

You picked the wrong guys to fuck with,

so you may as well just lay down.

Because you're already dead!

What!? Did that mark-ass,

trick-ass motherfucker just threaten us?

'Cause obviously he don't understand the situation.

See, we about to rob this motherfucker,

and then we gonna fly out for some jet packs,

or some other kinda futuristic transportation

of our choosing. Yeah.

And if motherfuckers fuck with us?

Peoples heads' gonna explode.

[SIREN WAILING]

All right, call us on the phone, motherfucker!

[PHONE RINGING]

Ha-ha-ha! You see that shit?

These motherfuckers are your puppet.

They do what you say.

Come on, you bastards. Pick up! Pick up!

Start talkin', dickheads.

PATRICE: It's abut time, you son of a bitch.

There's been too much bloodshed,

What do you need?

Tell him we want food, homemade food.

The kind that come in paper bags, like we brought it.

And tell him it better be yummy.

We want yummy-ass homemade food, motherfucker.

You got it. What else?

A tank, man. We want a tank. And a tank.

A tank? You heard me! A tank!

All right, what else?

Ooh, ooh, ooh. We want "Weird Al" Yankovic

to come down here and sing a hilarious song for us.

How the hell am I supposed to get Weird Al?

You got two hours before everybody dies, motherfucker!

[*]

Hey, guys, help! Help, we got a problem in here!

Guys, hurry up, we got a problem!

What the fuck is going on in here?

I thought I told you to keep your goddamn mouth shut!

What the fuck is going on? What's behind your back?

Give me this shit.

Y'all motherfuckers wanna play games.

We about to play some games.

It ain't gonna be fun!

All you motherfuckers is gonna die!

[SCREAMS]

ROBBER 1: Put your hands down! Playtime is over!

MAXINE: No, please! Aah! [GUNSHOTS]

[MAXINE SOBBING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

No! We have cocaine! We can give you cocaine!

Is it bad? Is it bad?

Those guys are badass.

Where were you, faggot? What the hell happened?

Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers?

ANNOUNCER: Next time on Holdup:

I think I'm gonna need a hand job.

Okay, I think we can work that out.

Maxine?

Oh, right. You got your hands blown off.

[*]

[*]

[*]

STDs are no laughing matter.

I found that working in the food cart--

Oh, working in the food court is fun!

Working with people is extremely tedious.

And that's it, folks. Everything you'll need

to create your own taxidermy.

Isn't that right, Bongo?

[*]

BOTH: Please, give us a try. And thanks.

Beautiful. I'd love to work with you two.

Uh, what can we do you for?

I need to adapt a book into a movie.

Oh.

Well, of course.

We have just been waiting

for the right project to come along.

Well, actually, it's more of a pamphlet, I guess.

But...

Just a few simple ideas to help people relax.

I love relaxing.

I wanna bring the message of relaxing

to a wider audience.

That's why I wanna turn it into a video.

Well, that is...

BOTH: Our specialty.

Now, I am a pamphlet guy, not a video guy.

So I'm entrusting you. You know,

use the pamphlet as your Bible.

But adapt it to your creative medium,

have fun with it.

Great.

Not-- Not too much fun.

Uh, I do need to keep costs low on this.

It's sort of an out-of-pocket,

personal project for me.

Of course, sure. Well, uh,

I assume we're talking a 30/70 profit share.

Uh, but I want you to know,

I am totally open to a buyout.

[WHISPERS] Quit it.

Let's make movies.

[*]

I have always dreamed of being a movie star

so it's just in my blood.

Well, every library card-holder in the nation,

is gonna be seeing your two beautiful faces.

[*]

[GASPS]

[DEBBIE LAUGHS]

[DEBBIE MOANING]

I have to go home and start plucking and tweezing.

Right. I gotta get back to the office

to start writing and prepping.

Uh, I gotta call Jerry, I gotta call Ed,

I gotta call Burt.

Well, actually I need a ride.

Uh, you drove us here.

Uh, sure, sure.

Okay.

[*]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

And cut.

Sorry, guys,

I got a big announcement.

We have just landed a huge national job.

For the first time in history,

one of our films is gonna be seen

outside the quad-county area.

Wow.

[ALL LAUGH]

Pete? I'm dead serious.

I want you to spare no expenses on this project.

Okay. I wanna go from this to that.

I want a camera here, here, here, here, here, here.

I want every bell, I want every whistle.

As a matter of fact, I want every bell,

whistle if you could pull that off.

Yes, sir.

Pete, I'm kidding about the last one.

[PHONE RINGING]

Let me get that.

Oh, and Pete, This is pro time.

Congratulations. Oh, thank you.

So who's gonna be the star of your new video,

Mr. Hotshot Director?

Uh, well...

Rob, your, uh, wife's on Line 1.

You know,

I make a great understudy too.

Yes, understudy, marvelous idea.

You're hired.

[SIGHS]

Aah. Phew.

Hello.

Shh, quieter.

I've been fasting to look my best for the video,

My body is sensitive right now.

Have you had a chance to write the screenplay yet?

Sure. Uh, no, no.

Uh, no. Uh, you know, I'm just getting

all of my ducks in a row. Right?

[DEBBIE LAUGHS]

Well, you know what to do.

Just make me look beautiful.

Make you look beautiful?

Thank you. Thank you.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you.

It's just an honor to be nominated.

This is for all those people

who told me to never give up on my dreams.

[*]

* Shiny, shiny, shiny

* I'm through With being tiny *

* I'm finally Who I knew I was *

MAN: I loved you in the Relax video.

Oh, thank you so much. What's your name?

MAN: Steven Jacob Henderson.

* Magical, magical

* Magical balloon

* Take me above the stars

* Take me above the moon

I'm dazzled by all of these.

But I'll tassel you to...

* Take me to heaven above

* So I can look down On that blue world *

I actually wrote the pamphlet this movie's based on.

Hm.

Okay, everybody, here we go. And action!

[*]

Relax.

Relax.

Relax. Relax.

Relax!

Relax.

Relax. Relax.

Relax. Relax. Relax.

Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax.

Relax!

Relax, relax, relax!

BOTH: Relax. [SQUEALS]

[*]

Yes. We all get stressed out,

and relaxation seems to be the only cure.

A great way to start is by breathing.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[*]

Today I am going to show you

a special breathing technique

that I have developed that'll help you relax.

And I have Debbie here,

who'll be our proverbial lab rat.

I'm interested in learning how to breathe.

Okay, great.

I want you to first start off by taking a deep breath.

Inhale, two, three, four. [INHALES DEEPLY]

Hold, two, three, four.

And exhale, two... [EXHALES]

...three, four.

And inhale, two, three, hold.

Exhale, two, three. [PANTING]

And inhale, two, three.

Hold, two, three.

Exhale, two, three. I've been fasting.

And in one, hold. [GROANS]

And in, two, three, four.

Exhale, two, three, four.

And inhale,

[VOICE DISTORTING] two, three, four, hold...

[*]

[DEBBIE GROANS]

ROB: It's okay. Sweetheart, you just need to r--

That is not how it's supposed to happen.

ROB: Oh? [GROANS]

Do we get any usable footage?

God, yes, the footage is fabulous.

JEFF: How will we continue without Debbie?

Crouch, got it handled.

[*]

Listening to music is a great way to relax.

Five, six, seven.

Eight.

[JAZZY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING ON KEYBOARD]

Just let the music take you to a gentler, softer,

more supple place.

And don't forget that relaxing

can be the key to staying calm under pressure.

[SCREAMING]

Cut, cut, cut. Anyone?

You slime! You worm!

You're ruining my dream. Our dream!

Mr. Crouch, please, everything is just fine. Don't worry.

That salami between your legs couldn't help itself.

Is that it?

And who the hell is that imposter?!

Debbie, I can tell you're upset,

but let's just put a pin in it okay?

And my vision is at stake here too.

You were supposed to make me a star.

Not anybody else.

[SCREAMS]

[*]

Baby, you are the star.

[GASPING]

[DISTORTED LAUGHING]

She was just my-- My homage to you.

Fuck that.

[SCREAMING]

[*]

Please.

Please just give me one more chance.

No one is ever gonna worship the ground you walk on,

the way I do.

Bobo hurt MooMoo.

Bobo love MooMoo.

Bobo sorry.

Bobo troobs belove Moomers.

Bobo loo-loo teesty.

[*]

[SIGHS]

[MOANING SOFTLY]

I love you, Debbie Melora Rubbie.

[WHISPERING] I love you,

Robert Buddy Rubbie.

[TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[*]

[*]

Well, not much to say.

It's over.

I'll be back next week because they pay me.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[*]

[*]