Original subtitles

[*]

It's hard for me to have

a sense of humor about things.

Consumer advocate!

You can't handle Miguel Olivantes.

And I really had my heart set

on a 14-inch penis.

It was gonna be a surprise

for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day.

It's a night of reckoning, bro!

On the inside, which is--

[GRUNTS]

Oh! Right in the dick! Office prank.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Yes, that's so good!

[*]

[*]

[GRUNTS]

Hello there, and welcome to another night

of Funny or Die Presents.

Throughout the world, Funny or Die is known

for its best-in-the-business comedy.

And there's no better proof of that

than what you're about to see tonight.

If some of it comes across a little weird for you,

or a little too cutting edge,

then you need to ask yourself this question:

Am I a racist?

Our research shows that people

who didn't enjoy tonight's programming

were indeed, racists.

So go ahead, watch it.

Unless you're afraid of something.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:

A sketch show from Slovin and Allen.

Sleeping with Celebrities.

From Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer,

episode three of Designated Driver.

And Playground Politics.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[GRUNTS]

[*]

[DRUMS POUNDING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[DRUMS POUNDING]

[DRUMMING FADES]

[VIOLINS PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

[CHOIR VOCALIZING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[HORSE NEIGHS OVER SPEAKERS]

[HORSE GALLOPING OVER SPEAKERS]

[HORSE NEIGHING OVER SPEAKERS]

[TRUMPET PLAYING FANFARE OVER SPEAKERS]

[GALLOPING AND NEIGHING CONTINUING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[PLAYS SOUR NOTE]

[ALARM WAILING OVER SPEAKERS]

[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING]

[EXPLOSIONS AND GUNSHOTS]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING]

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

[GROANING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[BOOMERANG WHOOSHING]

[*]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yes, that's so good!

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[*]

I'm telling you, it doesn't work.

Yeah, it's been 16 days.

Look, I just want my money back.

So that's it?

Okay, well you can go to hell.

Is everything all right, Bob?

Damn corporate America. I should know better.

Well, what did you do?

[SIGHS]

Well, I bought this product

that they were selling on TV,

that said it would enlarge my penis by 4 inches.

It had a money-back guarantee.

And now I can't get my money back.

Well, it didn't work?

No, it didn't.

Your penis didn't grow at all?

No, it grew, but only 3 inches.

They promised me 4.

They didn't give you your money back?

It's corporate America. Nobody's accountable anymore.

If I were you I would be furious.

I am.

Furious about what?

Well, Bob bought this

penis-enlargement product.

A pump? No, a lotion.

Anyway, it had a money-back guarantee,

that it would make his penis grow 4 inches.

And it only grew, what?

Three inches. Three inches.

So why don't you get your money back?

I tried. They won't give it to me.

That's awful! How much did it cost?

Nine dollars. Ouch!

I'm so sorry. That sucks.

Thanks.

Well, at least your penis did grow 3 inches.

Yeah. But now I'm only 13 inches.

And I really had my heart set on a 14-inch penis.

It was a gonna be a surprise for my girlfriend

for Valentine's Day.

Hey, sometimes chocolates can make the best gift of all.

Yeah, or a romantic weekend away.

Guys, and with all due respect,

and I really appreciate your support.

But I've been going out with this girl

for three weeks. And I know what she likes

and what she doesn't like.

And what she likes is a 14-inch penis.

And what she definitely doesn't like is a 13-inch penis.

I feel so helpless.

[BOB SIGHS]

A lot of people feel helpless.

They buy products that don't deliver

what they promise,

and then find they have no recourse.

I'm Phillip Linehart.

And I'm running for consumer advocate

because I'm tired of seeing people

taken advantage of by giant corporations.

Like the man you just watched

in our dramatization.

I want to fight on your behalf

to get what you deserve from a corporate culture

that answers to nobody.

Please understand, while what you witnessed

may just have been a dramatization,

it was a word-for-word reenactment of events

that actually took place.

Filmed at the exact location

where they actually transpired and starring,

as actors, the very people who lived it originally.

I know this because I was there

getting dressed to play golf,

when I overheard the injustice being perpetrated

on the man who wished to have his penis grow 4 inches,

but only had it grow 3.

I was so moved by what I heard that day,

that I decided to quit my job

driving an ice cream truck, leave my wife,

learn to speak the English language,

and dedicate my life

to becoming the consumer advocate

for the state of New Hampshire.

So to all New Hampshirites, I say,

consumer advocate!

The time has come to protect consumers

in the state of New Hampshire.

Hi, I'm George Crenshaw, and I'm asking you

for your vote to be consumer advocate.

My opponent Phil Linehart will tell you

that I'm not qualified for this job.

But I beg to differ.

Having spent the last 19 years performing at parties

as New Hampshire's premiere Jack Nicholson impersonator,

I think I'm uniquely qualified

to protect New Hampshire consumers.

I may never have had a job in public service.

But ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you

that every time I perform the line

"you can't handle the truth"

I'm directing it at the corporations,

who sell poorly made, or dangerous products

in the state of New Hampshire.

I swear to God, if I see another kid

from Concord or Portsmouth,

lose a finger in a poorly made blender,

I'm gonna lose my freakin' marbles!

Well, I sure hope I made a good impression on you.

And on election day, I'll hope you vote for me,

George Crenshaw.

[LAUGHS]

[IN SPANISH]

You can't handle Miguel Olivantes!

Well, this is the tape the police gave us.

Let's just watch it now.

[MAN SIGHS]

I guess if you're watching this,

you probably know I'm dead.

I'm sorry to put you all through this.

But things haven't turned out the way I had hoped.

Things have just become too difficult to bear

and I can't take it anymore.

I've felt so numb for so long.

And I know it might seem like a cowardly choice to you,

but I truly don't see any other way.

I don't see myself getting back on track.

And it is cowardly. 'Cause I'm a coward.

I'm a fuck-up.

And I don't see myself going anywhere.

[SIGHS]

Mom, Dad, I don't want you

to blame yourselves for this.

I love you so much

and you did a great job as parents,

so it's important to me that you don't blame yourselves.

It's my fault. Just like everything else.

You still have each other.

What are you doing?

Um, what do you mean?

What are you doing?

You uh--

You wanna get something to eat?

No.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Liz, I just...

I don't know what to say.

I-I still love you.

Even after everything you did,

and I want us to be together.

I just-- I understand that's not

where you're at right now.

And-- And--

I-I don't want you to

feel guilty about this either.

Because, it's--

It's not about you breaking up with me.

It's-- I just really don't like myself.

[SIGHS]

John, to me you're much more than just my roommate,

you're my best friend.

I know I must be a real downer

to live with sometimes.

Especially recently.

Its hard for me to have a sense of humor about things.

I-- I wish I could be more like you.

[BALLOON EXPLODES]

What are you doing?

Um, what do you, uh, mean?

What are you doing?!

Hey, you wanna get some-- Some sushi?

Maybe a little sushi buffet--

I'm doing something here! Can't you see that?

Can't you leave me alone, just for a few minutes?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Can' you see I'm doing something?

I do, I do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God, I am a horrible person.

I hate myself.

John, I'm sorry I just yelled at you.

It's just...

I-I know underneath all your joking around, you--

You do care about me.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I guess there's not really anything else for me to say.

Except I'm sorry I'm doing this.

I want you to know I love you all very,

very much.

[GUNSHOT]

[GASPING]

[*]

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

[BANGING ON WALL]

Here's...

...Miguel Olivantes!

[*]

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[*]

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[*]

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight:

[SNORING SOFTLY]

ANNOUNCER:

[*]

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[PHONE RINGS] TABACK: Hey, I'm drunk.

Pick my ass up.

Oh, fuck, donuts!

Oh! No, no, no.

Pow! Whoo!

Don't yell at me!

Chill out, he just shot my donut.

Booty call, motherfucker.

She's married! Her husband!

Who are you? No-- Aah! Oh!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

Come on, come on!

Whoa!

You shot Mr. Bear.

Come on!

[*]

All right, man, what's it gonna be?

Macho Paco Taco or Wet Burger?

[LAUGHS] [GASPING]

Oh, my God, dude,

you just threw up everywhere!

We're going to jail. Yeah.

Statistically speaking, we're going to fuckin' jail.

Ha-ha! All right? No way around it.

That means anything fucking goes, man.

There's no laws that apply to us anymore.

Oh, shit! It's a night of reckoning!

It's a night of reckoning, bro!

All those motherfuckers who fucked us over

are gonna get some serious payback tonight, man.

Justice, I'm talking about justice!

Listen to me. Just listen to me.

You listen to me! Barry, no, no, no.

Shut up, shut up. Just listen to me for once.

No, Barry, I'm not gonna listen to you.

I'm gonna go to jail, and it's all your fault.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

You shut up.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Just shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!

Okay, man. Whoa!

Now that's what I'm talking about, Barry.

Where'd that anger just come from? Come on, man.

Office pranks.

Office pranks? Office pranks.

What does that mean?

Glenn! Fucking Glenn!

He's a fuckin' piece of shit, son of a bitch.

All right, now who is he?

[*]

Office prank. You asshole.

[PHONE RINGS]

You're drinking my piss, man!

Office prank!

Why'd you do that?

This suit for your child that's kind of refined.

And, a little bit, um, double seated

on the inside which is always nice.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, right in the dick, office prank!

We don't even work in a fucking office!

All right, plug this fucking address in there

and let's go fuck his life up.

[GPS BEEPING]

[*]

Well, we're just gonna scare him though, right?

Hell, yeah. Heh-heh.

Just a prank.

Just a prank, man.

Yeah, it's a prank.

I'm gonna fucking kill this motherfucker.

Wait, no, no. We can't kill him.

I'll break his leg, is what I'll do.

I'll break his legs first, and then I'll break his sternum.

Can you just, for one second,

just describe what you mean by prank?

[LAUGHS]

One time I pranked this guy. Yeah?

I fuckin' put a live rattlesnake in his mailbox.

Uh-huh?

The fuckin' snake bit into his neck, man.

Ha! Yeah, it's just a prank. Just a prank.

Yeah, it's just a fuckin' prank.

Whoo! I'm the fuckin' devil!

And I'm the friend of the devil!

[SCREAMING] Yeah!

TABACK: Whoo! Glenn, you motherfucker!

I'm gonna burn this fuckin' house to the ground!

[TABACK CHEERS]

Uh, uh... Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUTTERING]

I office-pranked your TV, Glenn! Ha-ha!

Get up, Glenn, you asshole!

Time to party, Glenn! Get up! [GRUNTS]

[*]

Your sugar's gonna go bad, Glenn.

It's gonna go hard.

Come on, we're going downstairs, have a little talk.

What do you think about that, Glenn?

Uh, maybe I'll eat some of this.

Oh, maybe not, because now it's on the floor.

Fruit on my dick, dick fruit!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I guess I forgot to close the fridge.

Get the hell out of here!

[GRUNTS]

I scream, you scream,

we all scream for ice cream.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Isn't that right, Glenn?

Oh, that's-- That's-- That's not Glenn.

What? That's not Glenn.

I'm Dr. Steven Daldry.

Dr. Steven Daldry? Where the fuck is Glenn?

Who's Glenn?

What the fuck are you doing in Glenn's house?

We went to the wrong guy's house.

DALDRY: Yeah, you're in the wrong house! Who the are you?

All right, just calm down.

It's just a prank. Fuck you!

Look, here's a little something

for the fucking thing, all right?

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yeah, he was right, man. That's not Glenn's house.

Oh yeah. Ha-ha. Huh.

What the hell's going on? What's all that screaming?

It's Glenn. Barry?

What should I do? Follow your instincts.

Barry, is that you?

Follow your instincts.

[SCREAMING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[*]

[*]

[*]

[*]

CHILD:

Hey, America, que paso?

Mexico.

You gotta get your drug dealers

to calm down and stop killing each other.

But keep the coke coming, capisce?

No problemo.

I'll see you in Cancun the second week of April.

I'll tell Señor Frog to put extra bubbles

in the bubble machine. * Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay

[*]

CHILD:

Hi, Canada.

Hey, there.

What are you doing?

Pretty much what you're doing, just girlier.

[*]

Well, I'm throwing in the towel.

Miss Braxton here grew up in southern California

and says she's never seen the sunrise

over the Pacific Ocean.

Who am I to disappoint?

Let's go look for that elusive sunrise in the west,

and anything else that may rise with it.

For Funny or Die, I'm Ed Haligan.

[*]

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