Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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[*]
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00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:11,908
It's hard for me to have
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00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,652
a sense of humor
about things.
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00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,277
Consumer advocate!
5
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:19,394
You can't handle
Miguel Olivantes.
6
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:20,817
And I really had
my heart set
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00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,161
on a 14-inch penis.
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00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,386
It was gonna be a surprise
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00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,291
for my girlfriend
for Valentine's Day.
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00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,133
It's a night
of reckoning, bro!
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00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,628
On the inside,
which is--
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00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:29,899
[GRUNTS]
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00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:31,727
Oh! Right in the dick!
Office prank.
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00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,972
[BOTH LAUGHING]
15
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,468
Yes, that's so good!
16
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,537
[*]
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[*]
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00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,531
[GRUNTS]
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00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,832
Hello there, and welcome
to another night
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00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,044
of Funny or Die Presents.
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00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,937
Throughout the world,
Funny or Die is known
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00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,438
for its
best-in-the-business comedy.
23
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,140
And there's no better proof
of that
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00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,142
than what you're
about to see tonight.
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00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:18,954
If some of it comes across
a little weird for you,
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00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,316
or a little too
cutting edge,
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00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,975
then you need to ask
yourself this question:
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00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,224
Am I a racist?
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00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,220
Our research shows
that people
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00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,122
who didn't enjoy
tonight's programming
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00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,294
were indeed, racists.
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00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,503
So go ahead, watch it.
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Unless you're afraid
of something.
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00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:42,300
[*]
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00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:08,155
ANNOUNCER:
Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Network:
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00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:11,232
A sketch show
from Slovin and Allen.
37
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,972
Sleeping with Celebrities.
38
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:16,137
From Rob Riggle
and Paul Scheer,
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00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:19,267
episode three
of Designated Driver.
40
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:22,383
And Playground Politics.
41
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:28,122
[GLASS SHATTERING]
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[GRUNTS]
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00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:42,532
[*]
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00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,937
[DRUMS POUNDING]
45
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,838
[WOLF HOWLING]
46
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,169
[BIRD CHIRPING]
47
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:57,575
[DRUMS POUNDING]
48
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,598
[DRUMMING FADES]
49
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,973
[VIOLINS PLAYING
OMINOUS MUSIC]
50
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:43,919
[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]
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00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:53,570
[CHOIR VOCALIZING]
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00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:03,039
[MUSIC STOPS]
53
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,713
[BIRD CHIRPING]
54
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,261
[HORSE NEIGHS OVER SPEAKERS]
55
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:18,027
[HORSE GALLOPING OVER SPEAKERS]
56
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,485
[HORSE NEIGHING OVER SPEAKERS]
57
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:23,103
[TRUMPET PLAYING FANFARE
OVER SPEAKERS]
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00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:25,626
[GALLOPING
AND NEIGHING CONTINUING]
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00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,037
[GRUNTS]
60
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,939
[GRUNTS]
61
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,041
[GUNSHOTS]
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[PLAYS SOUR NOTE]
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00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,582
[ALARM WAILING OVER SPEAKERS]
64
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:44,151
[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING]
65
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,291
[EXPLOSIONS AND GUNSHOTS]
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00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,916
[ALL GRUNTING]
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00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,722
[AIRPLANE ENGINES ROARING]
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00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,034
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
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00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,026
[GROANING]
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[BIRDS CHIRPING]
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00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,647
[BOOMERANG WHOOSHING]
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00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,615
[*]
73
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:25,332
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
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00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,695
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
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00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,965
[BOTH LAUGH]
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00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,071
Yes, that's so good!
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00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,982
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
78
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,306
[*]
79
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:49,053
I'm telling you,
it doesn't work.
80
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,789
Yeah, it's been 16 days.
81
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,923
Look, I just want
my money back.
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00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,063
So that's it?
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00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,688
Okay, well you can
go to hell.
84
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,564
Is everything all right, Bob?
85
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:05,333
Damn corporate America.
I should know better.
86
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,833
Well, what did you do?
87
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:07,674
[SIGHS]
88
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,268
Well, I bought this product
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00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,899
that they were selling on TV,
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00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,374
that said it would
enlarge my penis by 4 inches.
91
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:15,114
It had a money-back
guarantee.
92
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,908
And now I can't
get my money back.
93
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:17,910
Well, it didn't work?
94
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,081
No, it didn't.
95
00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,209
Your penis didn't
grow at all?
96
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,583
No, it grew, but only 3 inches.
97
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:23,923
They promised me 4.
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00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:25,747
They didn't give you
your money back?
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00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,323
It's corporate America.
Nobody's accountable anymore.
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00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:29,762
If I were you
I would be furious.
101
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:30,887
I am.
102
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,091
Furious about what?
103
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,292
Well,
Bob bought this
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00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,133
penis-enlargement
product.
105
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,498
A pump?
No, a lotion.
106
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,598
Anyway, it had
a money-back guarantee,
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00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,500
that it would make
his penis grow 4 inches.
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00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:42,572
And it only grew, what?
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00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,340
Three inches.
Three inches.
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00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,338
So why don't you get
your money back?
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00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,740
I tried.
They won't give it to me.
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00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:51,041
That's awful!
How much did it cost?
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00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,354
Nine dollars.
Ouch!
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00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:54,917
I'm so sorry.
That sucks.
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00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,545
Thanks.
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00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,820
Well, at least your penis
did grow 3 inches.
117
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,460
Yeah. But now
I'm only 13 inches.
118
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,826
And I really had my heart
set on a 14-inch penis.
119
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,955
It was a gonna be a surprise
for my girlfriend
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00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,560
for Valentine's Day.
121
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,572
Hey, sometimes chocolates
can make the best gift of all.
122
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,265
Yeah, or a romantic
weekend away.
123
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,766
Guys, and with
all due respect,
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00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,768
and I really appreciate
your support.
125
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:18,440
But I've been going out
with this girl
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00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,339
for three weeks.
And I know what she likes
127
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,640
and what she doesn't like.
128
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,042
And what she likes
is a 14-inch penis.
129
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:28,384
And what she definitely
doesn't like is a 13-inch penis.
130
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,482
I feel so helpless.
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00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,524
[BOB SIGHS]
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00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,490
A lot of people
feel helpless.
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00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,088
They buy products
that don't deliver
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00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,289
what they promise,
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00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:40,030
and then find
they have no recourse.
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00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,727
I'm Phillip Linehart.
137
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,799
And I'm running
for consumer advocate
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00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,867
because I'm tired
of seeing people
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00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,396
taken advantage of
by giant corporations.
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00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,073
Like the man
you just watched
141
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:52,711
in our dramatization.
142
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,676
I want to fight
on your behalf
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00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:57,975
to get what you deserve
from a corporate culture
144
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,808
that answers to nobody.
145
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,423
Please understand,
while what you witnessed
146
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,546
may just have been
a dramatization,
147
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:08,262
it was a word-for-word
reenactment of events
148
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:10,285
that actually took place.
149
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,430
Filmed at the exact location
150
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,626
where they actually
transpired and starring,
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00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:18,728
as actors, the very people
who lived it originally.
152
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,532
I know this because
I was there
153
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,304
getting dressed
to play golf,
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00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,712
when I overheard the injustice
being perpetrated
155
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:28,235
on the man who wished to have
his penis grow 4 inches,
156
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,341
but only had it grow 3.
157
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,884
I was so moved by
what I heard that day,
158
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:35,921
that I decided
to quit my job
159
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,446
driving an ice cream truck,
leave my wife,
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00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:41,052
learn to speak
the English language,
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00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:42,724
and dedicate my life
162
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,563
to becoming
the consumer advocate
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00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,358
for the state
of New Hampshire.
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00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,959
So to all
New Hampshirites, I say,
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00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:53,773
consumer advocate!
166
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,369
The time has come
to protect consumers
167
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,141
in the state
of New Hampshire.
168
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,440
Hi, I'm George Crenshaw,
and I'm asking you
169
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,413
for your vote
to be consumer advocate.
170
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,623
My opponent Phil Linehart
will tell you
171
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:11,116
that I'm not qualified
for this job.
172
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,918
But I beg to differ.
173
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:17,020
Having spent the last
19 years performing at parties
174
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,734
as New Hampshire's premiere
Jack Nicholson impersonator,
175
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,998
I think
I'm uniquely qualified
176
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,496
to protect
New Hampshire consumers.
177
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:28,599
I may never have had
a job in public service.
178
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:31,502
But ask anyone who knows me
and they'll tell you
179
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:33,765
that every time
I perform the line
180
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,784
"you can't handle the truth"
181
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:39,577
I'm directing it
at the corporations,
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00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,280
who sell poorly made,
or dangerous products
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00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,352
in the state
of New Hampshire.
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00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:47,321
I swear to God,
if I see another kid
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00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,160
from Concord or Portsmouth,
186
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,786
lose a finger
in a poorly made blender,
187
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:55,062
I'm gonna lose
my freakin' marbles!
188
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:59,932
Well, I sure hope I made
a good impression on you.
189
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:04,003
And on election day,
I'll hope you vote for me,
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00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,544
George Crenshaw.
191
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:08,609
[LAUGHS]
192
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,749
[IN SPANISH]
193
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:39,773
You can't handle
Miguel Olivantes!
194
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,277
Well, this is the tape
the police gave us.
195
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,408
Let's just watch it now.
196
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,534
[MAN SIGHS]
197
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,326
I guess if you're
watching this,
198
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,658
you probably know I'm dead.
199
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,604
I'm sorry to put you all
through this.
200
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,900
But things haven't turned
out the way I had hoped.
201
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,273
Things have just become
too difficult to bear
202
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,542
and I can't
take it anymore.
203
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:18,111
I've felt so numb
for so long.
204
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:21,611
And I know it might seem
like a cowardly choice to you,
205
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,115
but I truly don't see
any other way.
206
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:27,817
I don't see myself
getting back on track.
207
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:31,021
And it is cowardly.
'Cause I'm a coward.
208
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,594
I'm a fuck-up.
209
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,862
And I don't see myself
going anywhere.
210
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:38,873
[SIGHS]
211
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:47,975
Mom, Dad,
I don't want you
212
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,335
to blame yourselves
for this.
213
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,643
I love you so much
214
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,345
and you did a great job
as parents,
215
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,276
so it's important to me
that you don't blame yourselves.
216
00:11:56,383 --> 00:12:00,393
It's my fault.
Just like everything else.
217
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,217
You still have
each other.
218
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,423
What are you doing?
219
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:06,434
Um, what do you mean?
220
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,156
What are you doing?
221
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,701
You uh--
222
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,157
You wanna get
something to eat?
223
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,004
No.
224
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,570
Okay.
225
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,467
[SIGHS]
226
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,840
Liz, I just...
227
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,283
I don't
know what to say.
228
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,577
I-I still love you.
229
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,879
Even after
everything you did,
230
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:32,422
and I want us
to be together.
231
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,559
I just--
I understand that's not
232
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,125
where you're at
right now.
233
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,355
And-- And--
234
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,060
I-I don't want you to
235
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,503
feel guilty
about this either.
236
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,868
Because, it's--
237
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,898
It's not about you
breaking up with me.
238
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:53,873
It's-- I just really
don't like myself.
239
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,048
[SIGHS]
240
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:06,219
John, to me you're much
more than just my roommate,
241
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,919
you're my best friend.
242
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,963
I know I must be
a real downer
243
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:13,689
to live with sometimes.
244
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,403
Especially recently.
245
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:19,166
Its hard for me to have
a sense of humor about things.
246
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:22,196
I-- I wish I could
be more like you.
247
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,942
[BALLOON EXPLODES]
248
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,107
What are you doing?
249
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,905
Um, what do you,
uh, mean?
250
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,008
What are you doing?!
251
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:32,480
Hey, you wanna get some--
Some sushi?
252
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,079
Maybe a little sushi
buffet--
253
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:36,221
I'm doing something here!
Can't you see that?
254
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,846
Can't you leave me alone,
just for a few minutes?
255
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,192
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
256
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,747
Can' you see
I'm doing something?
257
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:45,825
I do, I do.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
258
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,904
God,
I am a horrible person.
259
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,867
I hate myself.
260
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,495
John, I'm sorry
I just yelled at you.
261
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,841
It's just...
262
00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:01,937
I-I know underneath
all your joking around, you--
263
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,142
You do care about me.
264
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,514
[SIGHS]
265
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,115
[SIGHS]
266
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,960
Well...
267
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,855
[INHALES DEEPLY]
268
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:20,187
I guess there's not really
anything else for me to say.
269
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,133
Except I'm sorry
I'm doing this.
270
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,770
I want you to know
I love you all very,
271
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,835
very much.
272
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,736
[GUNSHOT]
273
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:33,867
[GASPING]
274
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,655
[*]
275
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,470
[SIGHS]
276
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,576
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
277
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,392
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]
278
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,707
[BANGING ON WALL]
279
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:55,122
Here's...
280
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,822
...Miguel Olivantes!
281
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:01,164
[*]
282
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:06,172
[*]
283
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,367
[*]
284
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:17,341
[*]
285
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,716
[*]
286
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,889
ANNOUNCER:
287
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,961
Tonight:
288
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:38,602
[SNORING SOFTLY]
289
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:27,782
ANNOUNCER:
290
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,250
[*]
291
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,655
[*]
292
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,525
[*]
293
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,632
[PHONE RINGS]
TABACK: Hey, I'm drunk.
294
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,774
Pick my ass up.
295
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:49,968
Oh, fuck, donuts!
296
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,369
Oh!
No, no, no.
297
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:52,941
Pow! Whoo!
298
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:55,139
Don't yell at me!
299
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,312
Chill out,
he just shot my donut.
300
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,780
Booty call,
motherfucker.
301
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,108
She's married!
Her husband!
302
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,523
Who are you?
No-- Aah! Oh!
303
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,715
[GRUNTS]
304
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:05,717
[LAUGHS]
305
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,288
Come on, come on!
306
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,657
Whoa!
307
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,957
You shot Mr. Bear.
308
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:13,859
Come on!
309
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,360
[*]
310
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,471
All right, man,
what's it gonna be?
311
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,840
Macho Paco Taco
or Wet Burger?
312
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,237
[LAUGHS]
[GASPING]
313
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,082
Oh, my God, dude,
314
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,648
you just threw up
everywhere!
315
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,645
We're going to jail.
Yeah.
316
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:37,477
Statistically speaking,
we're going to fuckin' jail.
317
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:39,354
Ha-ha! All right?
No way around it.
318
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,392
That means anything
fucking goes, man.
319
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,358
There's no laws that apply
to us anymore.
320
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,526
Oh, shit! It's a night
of reckoning!
321
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,526
It's a night
of reckoning, bro!
322
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,198
All those motherfuckers
who fucked us over
323
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:54,428
are gonna get some serious
payback tonight, man.
324
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,204
Justice, I'm talking
about justice!
325
00:18:56,303 --> 00:18:57,903
Listen to me.
Just listen to me.
326
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,544
You listen to me!
Barry, no, no, no.
327
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,409
Shut up, shut up.
Just listen to me for once.
328
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:03,308
No, Barry, I'm not gonna
listen to you.
329
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:07,210
I'm gonna go to jail,
and it's all your fault.
330
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,084
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
331
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,782
You shut up.
332
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,053
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
333
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:16,021
Just shut up! Just shut up!
Shut up!
334
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:18,992
Okay, man. Whoa!
335
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,461
Now that's what
I'm talking about, Barry.
336
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,931
Where'd that anger just
come from? Come on, man.
337
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,500
Office pranks.
338
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,898
Office pranks?
Office pranks.
339
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,200
What does that mean?
340
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:32,142
Glenn!
Fucking Glenn!
341
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:35,169
He's a fuckin' piece of shit,
son of a bitch.
342
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,875
All right, now who is he?
343
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,376
[*]
344
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,794
Office prank.
You asshole.
345
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,529
[PHONE RINGS]
346
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,927
You're drinking
my piss, man!
347
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,032
Office prank!
348
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,174
Why'd you do that?
349
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:06,971
This suit for your child
that's kind of refined.
350
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,283
And, a little bit, um,
double seated
351
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,806
on the inside
which is always nice.
352
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,010
[GRUNTS]
353
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,411
Oh, right in the dick,
office prank!
354
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,815
We don't even work
in a fucking office!
355
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,987
All right, plug this
fucking address in there
356
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,716
and let's go
fuck his life up.
357
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:22,961
[GPS BEEPING]
358
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,585
[*]
359
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,361
Well, we're just
gonna scare him though, right?
360
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,860
Hell, yeah. Heh-heh.
361
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,162
Just a prank.
362
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,204
Just a prank, man.
363
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:33,529
Yeah, it's a prank.
364
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:36,003
I'm gonna fucking kill
this motherfucker.
365
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,542
Wait, no, no.
We can't kill him.
366
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,107
I'll break his leg,
is what I'll do.
367
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:41,565
I'll break his legs first,
and then I'll break his sternum.
368
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,444
Can you just,
for one second,
369
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,613
just describe
what you mean by prank?
370
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:46,652
[LAUGHS]
371
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,616
One time I pranked this guy.
Yeah?
372
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:50,875
I fuckin' put a live
rattlesnake in his mailbox.
373
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,183
Uh-huh?
374
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,115
The fuckin' snake bit
into his neck, man.
375
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,360
Ha! Yeah, it's just a prank.
Just a prank.
376
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,086
Yeah, it's just
a fuckin' prank.
377
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:02,160
Whoo!
I'm the fuckin' devil!
378
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,871
And I'm the friend
of the devil!
379
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,165
[SCREAMING]
Yeah!
380
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,237
TABACK:
Whoo! Glenn, you motherfucker!
381
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:14,668
I'm gonna burn this
fuckin' house to the ground!
382
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,384
[TABACK CHEERS]
383
00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:21,851
Uh, uh... Oh.
384
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,678
[CHUCKLES]
385
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:27,447
[MUTTERING]
386
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:30,424
I office-pranked your TV,
Glenn! Ha-ha!
387
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,393
Get up, Glenn, you asshole!
388
00:21:33,493 --> 00:21:36,863
Time to party, Glenn! Get up!
[GRUNTS]
389
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,333
[*]
390
00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:41,432
Your sugar's gonna go bad,
Glenn.
391
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:42,904
It's gonna go hard.
392
00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:45,442
Come on, we're going downstairs,
have a little talk.
393
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:47,108
What do you think
about that, Glenn?
394
00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:49,176
Uh, maybe I'll eat
some of this.
395
00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:52,275
Oh, maybe not, because now
it's on the floor.
396
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:55,049
Fruit on my dick, dick fruit!
397
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,677
[LAUGHS]
398
00:21:56,783 --> 00:21:59,253
Oh, I guess I forgot
to close the fridge.
399
00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:01,752
Get the hell out of here!
400
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:04,985
[GRUNTS]
401
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:07,391
I scream, you scream,
402
00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:09,034
we all scream for ice cream.
403
00:22:09,128 --> 00:22:11,028
[BOTH LAUGH]
404
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,530
Isn't that right, Glenn?
405
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,202
Oh, that's-- That's--
That's not Glenn.
406
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,500
What?
That's not Glenn.
407
00:22:15,602 --> 00:22:17,602
I'm Dr. Steven Daldry.
408
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:20,144
Dr. Steven Daldry?
Where the fuck is Glenn?
409
00:22:20,239 --> 00:22:21,609
Who's Glenn?
410
00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:23,308
What the fuck are you doing
in Glenn's house?
411
00:22:23,410 --> 00:22:24,910
We went to the wrong
guy's house.
412
00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:27,481
DALDRY:
Yeah, you're in the wrong house!
Who the are you?
413
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:29,120
All right, just calm down.
414
00:22:29,215 --> 00:22:31,115
It's just a prank.
Fuck you!
415
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,347
Look, here's
a little something
416
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:34,822
for the fucking thing,
all right?
417
00:22:34,921 --> 00:22:36,361
[ENGINE STARTS]
418
00:22:36,456 --> 00:22:38,526
Yeah, he was right, man.
That's not Glenn's house.
419
00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:41,485
Oh yeah. Ha-ha. Huh.
420
00:22:41,594 --> 00:22:44,134
What the hell's going on?
What's all that screaming?
421
00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:46,630
It's Glenn.
Barry?
422
00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:48,973
What should I do?
Follow your instincts.
423
00:22:49,068 --> 00:22:50,198
Barry, is that you?
424
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:52,912
Follow your instincts.
425
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:54,035
[SCREAMING]
426
00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:56,840
[TIRES SQUEALING]
427
00:22:56,943 --> 00:22:58,953
[*]
428
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,881
[*]
429
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,886
[*]
430
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:14,092
[*]
431
00:23:14,193 --> 00:23:16,863
CHILD:
432
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,202
Hey, America, que paso?
433
00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:23,441
Mexico.
434
00:23:23,536 --> 00:23:25,466
You gotta get
your drug dealers
435
00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:27,212
to calm down
and stop killing each other.
436
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:28,976
But keep the coke coming,
capisce?
437
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,375
No problemo.
438
00:23:30,477 --> 00:23:32,237
I'll see you in Cancun
the second week of April.
439
00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:34,754
I'll tell Señor Frog
to put extra bubbles
440
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:37,717
in the bubble machine.
* Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay
441
00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:41,249
[*]
442
00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:44,623
CHILD:
443
00:23:46,993 --> 00:23:48,033
Hi, Canada.
444
00:23:48,127 --> 00:23:48,997
Hey, there.
445
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,325
What are you doing?
446
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,199
Pretty much what you're doing,
just girlier.
447
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:56,666
[*]
448
00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:06,710
Well, I'm throwing
in the towel.
449
00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:09,483
Miss Braxton here grew up
in southern California
450
00:24:09,582 --> 00:24:11,182
and says she's
never seen the sunrise
451
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:13,593
over the Pacific Ocean.
452
00:24:13,686 --> 00:24:15,816
Who am I to disappoint?
453
00:24:15,922 --> 00:24:18,692
Let's go look for that
elusive sunrise in the west,
454
00:24:18,791 --> 00:24:21,431
and anything else
that may rise with it.
455
00:24:21,528 --> 00:24:25,498
For Funny or Die,
I'm Ed Haligan.
456
00:24:30,069 --> 00:24:32,469
[*]
457
00:24:36,108 --> 00:24:37,978
[*]
30638
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