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00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:11,605
[*]
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00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,722
Welcome back to another night
of award-winning television
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00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,922
from Funny or Die.
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00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,564
If you haven't seen
our program yet,
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00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,499
then you're in for a
real treat. On the other hand,
6
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,456
if you've been following us
from the beginning,
7
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:33,034
then you know I'm lying
right to your face.
8
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,244
That's what I do.
9
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:36,535
I'm in sales
and I'm a trained liar.
10
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:41,077
So sit back and enjoy
the very best in comedy.
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00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:44,445
I give you my word on it.
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00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,620
[*]
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ANNOUNCER:
Tonight on
the Funny or Die Network.
14
00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:18,112
Another episode
of Casual Sex
15
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,112
with Andrea Savage.
16
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,684
From Public Broadcasting
17
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:25,292
comes the award-winning
One Thousand Cats.
18
00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:28,656
Followed by
Sleeping with Celebrities.
19
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,059
Hey, I'm Rebecca.
20
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,261
I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.
21
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:37,503
Oh, yeah,
and I'm eight months pregnant.
22
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,298
So I've only got
a couple weeks
23
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,570
to do everything
I've never done.
24
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:44,309
Some women travel,
or they find a new hobby,
25
00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:46,005
like tying
interesting knots.
26
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,106
In my case?
27
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,538
I never had a wild phase.
28
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,953
So I'm just gonna lay
a lot of dudes.
29
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,216
[SIGHS]
30
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,145
I could go
for some barbeque.
31
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,551
WOMAN 1:
Do you want a time out?
32
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,392
WOMAN 2 [OVER PHONE]:
I'm just jealous.
33
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,418
If I could have sex with
someone other than my husband,
34
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,063
I would even put it
in my butt.
35
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,558
Charming.
Well, you know what?
36
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,600
It hasn't been as easy
as you'd think it would.
37
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,496
I mean, they just look
at me, like, you know,
38
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,968
I'm some sort of...
mother figure.
39
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,736
Or they call me ma'am.
40
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,565
I think, seriously, some of them
were visibly sickened
41
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,111
by the thought
of touching me.
42
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:21,137
I used to
not have a problem
43
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:23,042
with getting guys
to have sex with me.
44
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,553
It seemed very easy.
45
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,105
WOMAN 3 [IN DISTANCE]:
Alan! One--
46
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,354
Heather?
47
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,548
Hello?
48
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,151
And she hung up.
[CLEARS THROAT]
49
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,253
All right, great.
50
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,024
Excuse me.
Uh-huh?
51
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:36,762
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to eavesdrop.
52
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,487
But I...
53
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,492
I just have to tell you
for whatever it's worth,
54
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:44,234
I think you look
absolutely beautiful.
55
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,432
Thank you.
Wow!
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00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:50,144
How-- How much of that
did you actually hear?
57
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,468
Enough to know
that I, um,
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00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,283
I would love
to ask you out sometime,
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00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,175
if you have any
interest at all.
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00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,877
Like, th--
This is my number.
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00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,408
So no pressure.
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00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,353
All right.
And I promise
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00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:03,019
I'm not a murderer
or anything.
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00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,316
All right.
Are you a rapist?
65
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,218
I'm not one of those either.
Not lately.
66
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,320
Sorry.
Oh. Maybe next time.
67
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,361
Yeah.
All right, um...
68
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,557
Well, thank you.
Sure.
69
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:12,829
Okay, bye.
70
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,356
So let's be honest.
71
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,102
Picking's have been
a little slim.
72
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,896
So I did call him.
And you know what?
73
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,368
He was great!
74
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:22,437
And somehow, we ended up
back at my place.
75
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:26,236
Would it be okay
if I kissed you?
76
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,580
Yeah, I think
that would be okay.
77
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:31,076
Well, all right, then
I think I'm gonna do that.
78
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:33,078
Well, I consider
myself warned.
79
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:36,880
Okay.
[CHUCKLES]
80
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,894
I think I found some sex.
81
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:41,186
That was nice.
Yeah, it was.
82
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:45,189
I really wanna be
inside you.
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00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:47,463
And feel your placenta.
84
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:55,041
Has your milk
come in yet?
85
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,465
What?
Your breast milk.
86
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,311
It's the most amazing food
in the world.
87
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,778
I wish they'd make cheese
out of it.
88
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:05,505
Uh, maybe we just,
you know, could talk less.
89
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,983
It's just kind of
pulling me out of the mood.
90
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,081
I don't why, just--
91
00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,993
Let's just move on,
you know, and just,
92
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,415
get back to, um,
you know--
93
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,221
To makin' out?
To makin' out.
94
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:18,893
All right. We can do that.
All right.
95
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,332
[MOANS]
96
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,565
Thirty-three weeks.
97
00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,897
What?
I'm gonna say
98
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,102
that's how far along
you are.
99
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,343
And also
I'm gonna say,
100
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,241
you are having a boy.
[CHUCKLES]
101
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,783
What-- What are you doing?
102
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,807
What-- I'm not getting you.
What do you mean?
103
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,482
This is your thing? You're
obsessed with pregnant women?
104
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,582
Now I'm getting it.
I-I meant all of that.
105
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,494
And I like to use
the word fetish
106
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,086
rather than obsessed, 'cause
I think it's more charming.
107
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:49,388
It's not charming.
108
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,160
I think pregnant women
are beautiful.
109
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,688
Yeah.
110
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,303
Like-- Like a mule sex show
in Mexico is beautiful.
111
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,126
Oh, don't-- Don't--
Okay?
112
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,500
Like a freak show
or something.
113
00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,429
How prepared are you
for what's gonna happen
114
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,844
in the delivery room?
I know what's gonna happen.
115
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,766
You're gonna be pooping in front
of a room full of people.
116
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:08,243
Doesn't the thought of that
make you a uncomfortable?
117
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,082
It makes me
very uncomfortable.
118
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:13,047
In fact, this conversation's
making me uncomfortable.
119
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,346
Well, let me
just ask you this.
120
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,178
Would you wanna practice
in front of me?
121
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,353
Practice?
Having a poop?
122
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,493
Like maybe put a tarp
on the bed and you could
123
00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:23,559
just get there
and try to...
124
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,657
No!
Do you have one in you?
125
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,299
No! I don't have one
in me, right n--
126
00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:30,156
Maybe an--
Maybe another time.
127
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,803
And maybe you should go.
128
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:36,369
I have got a portable
sonogram unit in my van.
129
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:39,540
What?
Can we give it a try?
130
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,735
[SOBBING]
He didn't do anything.
131
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,683
I'm fine. I mean, I think
he wanted to have s--
132
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:49,119
Sex with my baby more than
he wanted to have sex with me.
133
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,416
Which I should report.
134
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,989
That's not why I'm crying.
135
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:55,856
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]:
Well, then why are you crying?
136
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,056
This lady, she just won
137
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:02,029
$30,000 on Deal or No Deal.
138
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:05,869
And she just seems like
a really, really nice lady.
139
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:10,596
I think she's really gonna be
able to use this money.
140
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,914
Listen, I'll call you tomorrow.
I gotta go, okay?
141
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,877
[SNIFFLES]
142
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:19,106
My hormones are really
making me act
143
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,052
like a fucking psycho.
144
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:25,189
Yeah, this is not normal.
145
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,755
Oh, I can't breathe.
146
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,759
[*]
147
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,732
[*]
148
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,770
ANNOUNCER:
Funding for One Thousand Cats
is provided in part
149
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:49,083
by the Esther and Samuel
Woodman Foundation.
150
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,876
And viewers like you.
151
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:53,708
[*]
152
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,888
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
153
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,929
[PLAYS PIANO]
154
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:12,469
MAN:
One Thousand Cats
is not a play.
155
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:14,096
It's not a musical.
156
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,101
It's not even really a...
157
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,573
performance.
158
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:21,141
It is a universal
consciousness
159
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:24,311
that is physicalized
through me.
160
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:27,151
Of course,
the appropriate venue is not
161
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,977
the theater that
I will be performing it in.
162
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,493
Really there's only
one venue that would do
163
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,716
One Thousand Cats
justice.
164
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,862
And that venue
is the Vatican.
165
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,488
I am performing
One Thousand Cats
166
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,933
yet I am not performing
One Thousand Cats.
167
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:47,700
Because One Thousand Cats
doesn't even exist.
168
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,101
While, at the same time,
169
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,713
One Thousand Cats is...
170
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:56,676
the only thing that exists.
171
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,880
[CHATTER]
172
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,553
[*]
173
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,792
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
174
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,794
* One thousand cats
175
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:26,208
* One thousand cats
176
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,807
* One thousand cats
177
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,352
* One thousand stories
Nine thousand lives *
178
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,377
[*]
179
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:39,323
* One thousand cats
One thousand stories *
180
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,289
* Nine thousand lives
181
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,129
* We're cats
We're living *
182
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:47,795
* We're ready to strive
183
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:52,465
* They are swell
One thousand cats *
184
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:55,766
* One thousand stories
185
00:08:55,869 --> 00:09:00,109
* Nine thousand lives
186
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,837
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
187
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,882
* I'm cat number one
I'm tons of fun *
188
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,548
* I'm cat number two
I'm cooler than you *
189
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,918
* I'm cat number three
I'm feeling free *
190
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:13,517
* Because I was just released
From the penitentiary *
191
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,961
* I'm cat number four
I'll open the door *
192
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,956
* To your mind, to your mind
To your mind, to your mind *
193
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,459
* I'm cat number eight
Ain't I great? *
194
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,701
* I'm so great
I'm cat number eight *
195
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:26,869
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
196
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,797
Hey.
197
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:34,511
* I'm chillin'
On cloud nine *
198
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,208
* I'm cat number nine
199
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,310
* Marijuana, heroine
200
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,582
* And crack are so fine
201
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:44,282
* When you're chillin'
On cloud nine *
202
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:48,564
* You got number nine
203
00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:51,256
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
204
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:57,604
* I'm so ordinary
205
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:02,842
* I wish I was
A little bit scary *
206
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,236
* Or even just
A tad too hairy *
207
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,708
* But I'm not
I'm not *
208
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,278
* My name's Ben
209
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:13,677
* Ordinary cat number ten
210
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:19,889
Oh, I've been imprisoned in
this stone tower my whole life.
211
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:23,857
I wonder when my prince
will come rescue me.
212
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,187
* Oh, where,
Oh, where is my darling? *
213
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:30,534
* Oh, where,
Oh, where can he be? *
214
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,570
* He has not returned
For such a long time *
215
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,567
* To rescue me
Cat 23 *
216
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,770
* Oh, darling
Darling, darling *
217
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,883
* I have returned to thee
218
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,906
* I fought against dragons
And witches *
219
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:49,523
* And have come
To rescue thee *
220
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:52,186
* Now some may not
Believe our stories *
221
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:55,755
* Some others may
Question the lore *
222
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,686
* But I do not care
About them *
223
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,462
* I love you
224
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:06,700
* I'm cat 24
225
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,600
* Oh, oh
226
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:12,673
* Oh, oh
227
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,183
* Oh, oh
228
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,505
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
229
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:17,949
Wait.
230
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,405
Do I hear roller skates?
231
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,383
[LAUGHS]
232
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:27,251
* We're cats 29
Through 199 *
233
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,294
* And we're roller-skating
Straight to your heart *
234
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,330
* Roller-skating straight
To your heart *
235
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:35,395
* Now baby, yeah
236
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,525
* Roller-skating cats
237
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:38,630
Oh, yeah!
238
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,032
* Roller-skating fast
239
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,844
* Oh, roller-skating cats
240
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:47,207
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
241
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:50,805
[*]
242
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,211
* We're cats 200
243
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:56,183
* Through 299
244
00:11:56,283 --> 00:12:00,823
* Some furry
Funkadelic felines *
245
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:05,991
* Our funk hits you
Straight up like wine *
246
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:10,333
* Some furry
Funkadelic felines *
247
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,900
* Oh, mama,
Funk it out *
248
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,500
* Purr,
Twist and shout *
249
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,772
* Purr,
Funk it out *
250
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:20,911
* Purr,
Twist and shout *
251
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:27,778
* Oh, we're
Funk-uh-ti-fied *
252
00:12:28,816 --> 00:12:31,786
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
253
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,757
[AS BABY]
We're cats 300
254
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,801
through 310.
255
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,467
[CHUCKLES]
256
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:46,725
* Baby cats
257
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,244
* Meow!
Goo goo ga ga *
258
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,365
* Baby cats
259
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:50,899
* Meow!
Goo goo ga ga *
260
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,044
* Baby cats
261
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,409
* Meow!
Goo goo ga ga *
262
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,206
* Baby cats
263
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,378
Get out of here!
264
00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,407
* I'm cat 311
I'm the adolescent cat *
265
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,353
* And Dad, can I borrow
The car tonight? *
266
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,950
* I got a date
With a real hot kitty *
267
00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:09,964
* Dad, can I borrow
The car tonight? *
268
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:12,787
* If I can't, Dad,
Then that'll be shitty *
269
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,193
[MEOWS]
270
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,704
What'd I tell you
about using
271
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,555
that fuckin' language
in my house?
272
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,304
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
273
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,529
* I'm having
A midlife crisis *
274
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:22,944
* I destroyed my life
275
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:23,966
* This is my mistress
276
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,311
* I'm his mistress
277
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,836
* This is my wife
278
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,711
* I'm his wife
279
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,679
* I'm cat 312
280
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,949
* This is my life!
281
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,949
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
282
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:42,421
[AS OLD WOMAN]
Oh, son, getting old
isn't so bad.
283
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:46,032
Why, for your father and I,
it's wonderful.
284
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,796
* We've lived our lives
Together *
285
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:54,227
* In harmony
286
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,114
* We've seen all
Kinds of weather *
287
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:02,835
* We're so carefree
288
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:07,383
* Though we are old
We still are bold *
289
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,580
* We're cats 330
290
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:15,864
* And 314
291
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,556
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
292
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,085
[*]
293
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,904
* I'm the British cat
And I drink my tea *
294
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:27,067
* I'm the Chinese cat
And I do tai chi *
295
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:29,567
* I am the French cat
I'm obsessed with love *
296
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,509
* I'm the Russian cat
And I'll give you a shove *
297
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,075
* I'm the Italian cat
I eat my pasta fal-su *
298
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:40,605
* I'm the African cat
I do the dance ritual *
299
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:45,091
[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]
300
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:48,215
[JUNGLE ANIMALS NOISES]
301
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,006
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
302
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:15,022
[IMITATES ROAR]
303
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,648
Oh, my God!
304
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:26,093
* We are the robot cats
305
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,663
* Five hundred through 600
306
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,601
* Wires for veins
307
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,097
* Microchips for brains
308
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,840
* Instead of meows we go:
309
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,765
[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]
310
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,810
* Instead of hisses we go:
311
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,806
[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]
312
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,978
* Instead of meows we go:
313
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,847
[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]
314
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,875
* Instead of hisses we go:
315
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,521
Stop!
316
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:53,386
It is God in all his glory!
317
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:56,756
* The machines
Will be destroyed *
318
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,026
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
319
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,955
* The machines
Will be destroyed *
320
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:04,461
* The machines
Will be destroyed *
321
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:07,304
* Right now
322
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:10,671
* Right now
323
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:16,479
* Right now
324
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,346
* Right now
325
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:19,305
Yay!
326
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:22,622
God has destroyed
the robot cats!
327
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:23,975
But wait?
328
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,494
Do I hear a march approaching?
329
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,016
Ten hut!
330
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,221
* We are, we are
331
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,093
* The military cats
332
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,033
* We are, we are
333
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:37,628
* The military cats
334
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,900
* We are, we are
335
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,339
* Protecting all the cats
336
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:47,805
* Protecting
All the cats today *
337
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,837
* We are, we are
338
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:51,912
* The military cats
339
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,281
* We are--
340
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,880
Stop!
341
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,192
[*]
342
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,663
No.
343
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:08,703
* War does not impress me
344
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:14,727
* War does not make me glad
345
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:22,339
* War does not enthrall me
346
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:27,382
* It makes what we have
What we had *
347
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:33,285
* War is not the answer
348
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:39,291
* It rapes
And it kills the world *
349
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,887
* War
350
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,504
* War is a cancer
351
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:49,738
* Will I end it?
352
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:55,706
* Yes, I will
353
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:59,184
* I will
354
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:03,079
* Oh, God has ended all wars
355
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,883
* And there is peace
356
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:07,324
[LAUGHS]
357
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:09,755
[ROARING]
358
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:10,886
Wait!
359
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,260
What's that?
360
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,889
* 666
That's the number of me *
361
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:17,304
* 666
I'm the devil, you see *
362
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,827
* Pain and sufferin'
For eternity *
363
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,172
* And all you little kitties
Are comin' with me *
364
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,010
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
365
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,205
Stop!
366
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,808
Is that God?
No, you fool!
367
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,350
That's not God!
368
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,705
He has sent
his son this time!
369
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:38,054
The Jesus cat!
370
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:42,621
* Your reign of evil is over
371
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,164
* You hear me now?
372
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:48,859
* You're through
373
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:54,031
* Your crusade of terror
Is over *
374
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:59,873
* You're done
375
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:05,182
* You're done
376
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:10,548
* You're done
377
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,951
* You're done
378
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:16,123
[SCREAMS]
379
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,363
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
380
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,902
[*]
381
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,867
* Now that evil is done
382
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:29,336
* It's time to evolve
383
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,266
* For all to become one
384
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:35,781
* All troubles
Are now solved *
385
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,935
* I believe that it's time
386
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,654
Yes!
387
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:45,316
* That we walk
The bright line *
388
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:50,458
* Yes, we're walking
The bright line *
389
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:56,097
* Yes, we're walking
The bright line *
390
00:19:56,195 --> 00:20:00,265
* Cats one through nine
Nine, nine *
391
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:05,407
* Yes, we're walking
The bright line *
392
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:09,305
* Come and walk
The bright line *
393
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,079
* Walk the line
That's sublime *
394
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:15,348
* Yes, come on now
Listen to me *
395
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:19,148
* Yes, we're walking
396
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:22,762
* Oh, we are walkin'
397
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:29,395
* Oh, the bright line
398
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,773
Now, everyone!
399
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:36,865
Put on those sunglasses
that were given to you,
400
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,239
when you took
your seats!
401
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:42,779
Or you will surely
go blind.
402
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,914
Do you see it?
403
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:49,753
Do you see it?
404
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,889
It is so beautiful.
405
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:56,958
Oh!
406
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,926
[BURBLING]
407
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:12,540
And now we can finally see.
Ha-ha!
408
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,043
I am you!
409
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:19,152
You are me!
410
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:25,545
We are we!
411
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:30,117
It's beautiful.
412
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:34,762
It's beautiful!
413
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:40,701
Let it take you...
414
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,700
away!
415
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:53,112
Now, I bet you're all wondering
416
00:21:53,212 --> 00:21:56,222
who the 1000th cat is.
417
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:59,285
Well,
I'll tell you all something.
418
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:02,286
The 1000th cat
419
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:03,859
is you.
420
00:22:03,956 --> 00:22:06,756
[*]
421
00:22:08,628 --> 00:22:11,928
* One thousand cats
422
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:16,171
* One thousand stories
423
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:20,608
* Nine thousand lives
424
00:22:20,707 --> 00:22:23,977
* One thousand cats
425
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:28,006
* One thousand stories
426
00:22:28,114 --> 00:22:33,754
* Nine thousand lives
427
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:34,993
* We're cats
428
00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:36,757
* We've lived
429
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:39,256
* We've learned
How to strive *
430
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:42,228
* Yes, we're
One thousand cats *
431
00:22:42,328 --> 00:22:46,098
* Oh, one thousand stories
432
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:51,068
* Nine thousand lives
433
00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:53,740
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
434
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,096
[*]
435
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:25,174
[*]
436
00:23:28,841 --> 00:23:30,841
[*]
437
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:37,281
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
438
00:23:37,383 --> 00:23:40,253
Tonight: Keith David.
439
00:23:40,352 --> 00:23:43,522
[SNORING]
440
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:03,783
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
441
00:24:30,436 --> 00:24:33,766
[*]
442
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,720
Well, it's over.
443
00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:46,146
And I can't tell you
how sorry I am
444
00:24:46,252 --> 00:24:48,422
that you had to
watch that.
445
00:24:48,521 --> 00:24:51,221
What the fuck
is this company doing?
446
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:01,801
[*]
447
00:25:05,437 --> 00:25:07,507
[*]
29485
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