Original subtitles

[*]

Welcome back to another night of award-winning television

from Funny or Die.

If you haven't seen our program yet,

then you're in for a real treat. On the other hand,

if you've been following us from the beginning,

then you know I'm lying right to your face.

That's what I do.

I'm in sales and I'm a trained liar.

So sit back and enjoy the very best in comedy.

I give you my word on it.

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on the Funny or Die Network.

Another episode of Casual Sex

with Andrea Savage.

From Public Broadcasting

comes the award-winning One Thousand Cats.

Followed by Sleeping with Celebrities.

Hey, I'm Rebecca.

I'm single, 5'6", Pisces.

Oh, yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant.

So I've only got a couple weeks

to do everything I've never done.

Some women travel, or they find a new hobby,

like tying interesting knots.

In my case?

I never had a wild phase.

So I'm just gonna lay a lot of dudes.

[SIGHS]

I could go for some barbeque.

WOMAN 1: Do you want a time out?

WOMAN 2 [OVER PHONE]: I'm just jealous.

If I could have sex with someone other than my husband,

I would even put it in my butt.

Charming. Well, you know what?

It hasn't been as easy as you'd think it would.

I mean, they just look at me, like, you know,

I'm some sort of... mother figure.

Or they call me ma'am.

I think, seriously, some of them were visibly sickened

by the thought of touching me.

I used to not have a problem

with getting guys to have sex with me.

It seemed very easy.

WOMAN 3 [IN DISTANCE]: Alan! One--

Heather?

Hello?

And she hung up. [CLEARS THROAT]

All right, great.

Excuse me. Uh-huh?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop.

But I...

I just have to tell you for whatever it's worth,

I think you look absolutely beautiful.

Thank you. Wow!

How-- How much of that did you actually hear?

Enough to know that I, um,

I would love to ask you out sometime,

if you have any interest at all.

Like, th-- This is my number.

So no pressure.

All right. And I promise

I'm not a murderer or anything.

All right. Are you a rapist?

I'm not one of those either. Not lately.

Sorry. Oh. Maybe next time.

Yeah. All right, um...

Well, thank you. Sure.

Okay, bye.

So let's be honest.

Picking's have been a little slim.

So I did call him. And you know what?

He was great!

And somehow, we ended up back at my place.

Would it be okay if I kissed you?

Yeah, I think that would be okay.

Well, all right, then I think I'm gonna do that.

Well, I consider myself warned.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

I think I found some sex.

That was nice. Yeah, it was.

I really wanna be inside you.

And feel your placenta.

Has your milk come in yet?

What? Your breast milk.

It's the most amazing food in the world.

I wish they'd make cheese out of it.

Uh, maybe we just, you know, could talk less.

It's just kind of pulling me out of the mood.

I don't why, just--

Let's just move on, you know, and just,

get back to, um, you know--

To makin' out? To makin' out.

All right. We can do that. All right.

[MOANS]

Thirty-three weeks.

What? I'm gonna say

that's how far along you are.

And also I'm gonna say,

you are having a boy. [CHUCKLES]

What-- What are you doing?

What-- I'm not getting you. What do you mean?

This is your thing? You're obsessed with pregnant women?

Now I'm getting it. I-I meant all of that.

And I like to use the word fetish

rather than obsessed, 'cause I think it's more charming.

It's not charming.

I think pregnant women are beautiful.

Yeah.

Like-- Like a mule sex show in Mexico is beautiful.

Oh, don't-- Don't-- Okay?

Like a freak show or something.

How prepared are you for what's gonna happen

in the delivery room? I know what's gonna happen.

You're gonna be pooping in front of a room full of people.

Doesn't the thought of that make you a uncomfortable?

It makes me very uncomfortable.

In fact, this conversation's making me uncomfortable.

Well, let me just ask you this.

Would you wanna practice in front of me?

Practice? Having a poop?

Like maybe put a tarp on the bed and you could

just get there and try to...

No! Do you have one in you?

No! I don't have one in me, right n--

Maybe an-- Maybe another time.

And maybe you should go.

I have got a portable sonogram unit in my van.

What? Can we give it a try?

[SOBBING] He didn't do anything.

I'm fine. I mean, I think he wanted to have s--

Sex with my baby more than he wanted to have sex with me.

Which I should report.

That's not why I'm crying.

WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Well, then why are you crying?

This lady, she just won

$30,000 on Deal or No Deal.

And she just seems like a really, really nice lady.

I think she's really gonna be able to use this money.

Listen, I'll call you tomorrow. I gotta go, okay?

[SNIFFLES]

My hormones are really making me act

like a fucking psycho.

Yeah, this is not normal.

Oh, I can't breathe.

[*]

[*]

ANNOUNCER: Funding for One Thousand Cats is provided in part

by the Esther and Samuel Woodman Foundation.

And viewers like you.

[*]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[PLAYS PIANO]

MAN: One Thousand Cats is not a play.

It's not a musical.

It's not even really a...

performance.

It is a universal consciousness

that is physicalized through me.

Of course, the appropriate venue is not

the theater that I will be performing it in.

Really there's only one venue that would do

One Thousand Cats justice.

And that venue is the Vatican.

I am performing One Thousand Cats

yet I am not performing One Thousand Cats.

Because One Thousand Cats doesn't even exist.

While, at the same time,

One Thousand Cats is...

the only thing that exists.

[CHATTER]

[*]

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

* One thousand cats

* One thousand cats

* One thousand cats

* One thousand stories Nine thousand lives *

[*]

* One thousand cats One thousand stories *

* Nine thousand lives

* We're cats We're living *

* We're ready to strive

* They are swell One thousand cats *

* One thousand stories

* Nine thousand lives

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

* I'm cat number one I'm tons of fun *

* I'm cat number two I'm cooler than you *

* I'm cat number three I'm feeling free *

* Because I was just released From the penitentiary *

* I'm cat number four I'll open the door *

* To your mind, to your mind To your mind, to your mind *

* I'm cat number eight Ain't I great? *

* I'm so great I'm cat number eight *

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Hey.

* I'm chillin' On cloud nine *

* I'm cat number nine

* Marijuana, heroine

* And crack are so fine

* When you're chillin' On cloud nine *

* You got number nine

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

* I'm so ordinary

* I wish I was A little bit scary *

* Or even just A tad too hairy *

* But I'm not I'm not *

* My name's Ben

* Ordinary cat number ten

Oh, I've been imprisoned in this stone tower my whole life.

I wonder when my prince will come rescue me.

* Oh, where, Oh, where is my darling? *

* Oh, where, Oh, where can he be? *

* He has not returned For such a long time *

* To rescue me Cat 23 *

* Oh, darling Darling, darling *

* I have returned to thee

* I fought against dragons And witches *

* And have come To rescue thee *

* Now some may not Believe our stories *

* Some others may Question the lore *

* But I do not care About them *

* I love you

* I'm cat 24

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Wait.

Do I hear roller skates?

[LAUGHS]

* We're cats 29 Through 199 *

* And we're roller-skating Straight to your heart *

* Roller-skating straight To your heart *

* Now baby, yeah

* Roller-skating cats

Oh, yeah!

* Roller-skating fast

* Oh, roller-skating cats

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[*]

* We're cats 200

* Through 299

* Some furry Funkadelic felines *

* Our funk hits you Straight up like wine *

* Some furry Funkadelic felines *

* Oh, mama, Funk it out *

* Purr, Twist and shout *

* Purr, Funk it out *

* Purr, Twist and shout *

* Oh, we're Funk-uh-ti-fied *

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[AS BABY] We're cats 300

through 310.

[CHUCKLES]

* Baby cats

* Meow! Goo goo ga ga *

* Baby cats

* Meow! Goo goo ga ga *

* Baby cats

* Meow! Goo goo ga ga *

* Baby cats

Get out of here!

* I'm cat 311 I'm the adolescent cat *

* And Dad, can I borrow The car tonight? *

* I got a date With a real hot kitty *

* Dad, can I borrow The car tonight? *

* If I can't, Dad, Then that'll be shitty *

[MEOWS]

What'd I tell you about using

that fuckin' language in my house?

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

* I'm having A midlife crisis *

* I destroyed my life

* This is my mistress

* I'm his mistress

* This is my wife

* I'm his wife

* I'm cat 312

* This is my life!

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[AS OLD WOMAN] Oh, son, getting old isn't so bad.

Why, for your father and I, it's wonderful.

* We've lived our lives Together *

* In harmony

* We've seen all Kinds of weather *

* We're so carefree

* Though we are old We still are bold *

* We're cats 330

* And 314

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[*]

* I'm the British cat And I drink my tea *

* I'm the Chinese cat And I do tai chi *

* I am the French cat I'm obsessed with love *

* I'm the Russian cat And I'll give you a shove *

* I'm the Italian cat I eat my pasta fal-su *

* I'm the African cat I do the dance ritual *

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[JUNGLE ANIMALS NOISES]

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[IMITATES ROAR]

Oh, my God!

* We are the robot cats

* Five hundred through 600

* Wires for veins

* Microchips for brains

* Instead of meows we go:

[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]

* Instead of hisses we go:

[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]

* Instead of meows we go:

[ROBOTIC SOUND PLAYING]

* Instead of hisses we go:

Stop!

It is God in all his glory!

* The machines Will be destroyed *

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

* The machines Will be destroyed *

* The machines Will be destroyed *

* Right now

* Right now

* Right now

* Right now

Yay!

God has destroyed the robot cats!

But wait?

Do I hear a march approaching?

Ten hut!

* We are, we are

* The military cats

* We are, we are

* The military cats

* We are, we are

* Protecting all the cats

* Protecting All the cats today *

* We are, we are

* The military cats

* We are--

Stop!

[*]

No.

* War does not impress me

* War does not make me glad

* War does not enthrall me

* It makes what we have What we had *

* War is not the answer

* It rapes And it kills the world *

* War

* War is a cancer

* Will I end it?

* Yes, I will

* I will

* Oh, God has ended all wars

* And there is peace

[LAUGHS]

[ROARING]

Wait!

What's that?

* 666 That's the number of me *

* 666 I'm the devil, you see *

* Pain and sufferin' For eternity *

* And all you little kitties Are comin' with me *

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Stop!

Is that God? No, you fool!

That's not God!

He has sent his son this time!

The Jesus cat!

* Your reign of evil is over

* You hear me now?

* You're through

* Your crusade of terror Is over *

* You're done

* You're done

* You're done

* You're done

[SCREAMS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[*]

* Now that evil is done

* It's time to evolve

* For all to become one

* All troubles Are now solved *

* I believe that it's time

Yes!

* That we walk The bright line *

* Yes, we're walking The bright line *

* Yes, we're walking The bright line *

* Cats one through nine Nine, nine *

* Yes, we're walking The bright line *

* Come and walk The bright line *

* Walk the line That's sublime *

* Yes, come on now Listen to me *

* Yes, we're walking

* Oh, we are walkin'

* Oh, the bright line

Now, everyone!

Put on those sunglasses that were given to you,

when you took your seats!

Or you will surely go blind.

Do you see it?

Do you see it?

It is so beautiful.

Oh!

[BURBLING]

And now we can finally see. Ha-ha!

I am you!

You are me!

We are we!

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful!

Let it take you...

away!

Now, I bet you're all wondering

who the 1000th cat is.

Well, I'll tell you all something.

The 1000th cat

is you.

[*]

* One thousand cats

* One thousand stories

* Nine thousand lives

* One thousand cats

* One thousand stories

* Nine thousand lives

* We're cats

* We've lived

* We've learned How to strive *

* Yes, we're One thousand cats *

* Oh, one thousand stories

* Nine thousand lives

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[*]

[*]

[*]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:

Tonight: Keith David.

[SNORING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[*]

Well, it's over.

And I can't tell you how sorry I am

that you had to watch that.

What the fuck is this company doing?

[*]

[*]