Original subtitles

[*]

Eat my ass, you fuckin' ass-eater!

Go fuck yourself, you fuckless fuck bag!

Swallow my balls--

LINCOLN: Where you goin', tough guy?

Can you hear us, punk? Hey!

Jennie, what happened? I found the cure for cancer.

It's so easy.

[*]

You know I'm crazy.

I can't help it.

[LAUGHING]

[*]

Welcome to another night of unbounded creativity

here on the Funny or Die Network.

At Funny or Die we're all about fostering fresh,

young, creative talent.

On our website, and here on this show,

we've provided an exciting platform for new comedy ideas.

So much of what you'll be seeing tonight comes from kids,

with nothing more than a camera and a desire to create.

What you won't see is a lot of old people.

Old people are gross and they remind us of death

and no one likes looking at their wrinkly,

gross, saggy skin.

Much like the whole entertainment industry,

Funny or Die also hates old people.

So if you're old and you're watching this,

you need to suck on it.

If you're young, like me,

and you like to goof off with the new cameras,

you'll really enjoy this fresh, young programming.

[*]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tonight on the Funny or Die Network.

Sleeping with Celebrities,

followed by the complete Slovin and Allen show.

A new video from Mike O'Connell.

The Adventures of David and Jennie.

And Playground Politics.

[*]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, Wayne Newton.

[SNORING]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:

[*]

[EXPLOSION]

[*]

[TRAFFIC NOISES]

[HORNS HONKING]

Hey, I'm gonna run inside, take a little bathroom break.

Want me to get you something?

No, I'm good. You sure?

No coffee, tea, something?

You know, I will have a coffee.

How do you take it?

Black, no sugar.

No prob.

Hey, you know what?

I'm sorry. You know what? Um.

I've had too much caffeine today.

Can you just get me a tea?

You got it. Hey?

How's the weather up there, huh?

What did the, uh, circus leave town

and leave the two of you guys behind?

[LAUGHING]

What was that all about? What a jerk.

Let's give that guy a little talking to.

LINCOLN: Hey, buddy! Turn around, idiot!

You got some sort of a problem? Afraid to have a little talk?

I thought you had some words you wanted to say to us!

Oh, not such a tough guy anymore?

LINCOLN: Yeah? Where you goin', tough guy?

Can you hear us, punk? Hey!

Come on, I'm gonna teach you some respect, boy!

Some-- You're dead, asshole!

[*]

MAN: No, no, wait.

No, no, I was kidding, I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. No, no, don't,

no, no, no, no, no. Ahh! No!

Oh, no! Ahh! Oww! Oh, no! Please.

Oh, no!

[SOBBING] Ah, oh, oh!

[GRUNTING]

Ah!

[THUD]

[*]

[BELL TOLLS]

[SPITS]

[*]

[*]

Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Uh, you know what? I-I-I wanted to say something

about Ann and Ken still being here.

Oh, yeah, I know.

Their apartment's supposed to be Friday.

I guess they just needed a couple extra days.

It's been four days.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Ask my brother to stay in a hotel?

Sure. Yeah. Well, guess what?

Not gonna ask my brother to stay in a hotel.

Well, it's just that they've been here

four days longer than you said they would.

And it's starting to get a little [BLEEP] annoying.

What the--? [BLEEP] you, man.

You had Jessica living here for, like, three months.

She's my [BLEEP] girlfriend. She was a nightmare,

you guys [BLEEP] hated each other.

What? I can't have my own girlfriend

in my own god---- bedroom?

Yeah, well, she was in the bathroom for

three [BLEEP] hours every morning.

That's bull----! No, it's not fucking bullshit.

[BLEEP]

Yeah? Well, Ann and Ken are in the living room,

24 [BLEEP] hours a day.

I can't even watch TV in there with those two creeps

practically naked all the time.

They are my family.

They are ---holes. No, you're ---hole.

No, you're an ---hole.

You're the ---hole, ---hole.

I'm gonna stab you with this fucking [BLEEP].

Yeah? I'm gonna [BLEEP] spoon!

Fuck you, asshole!

Suck my dick, cocksucker!

Eat my ass, you fuckin' ass-eater!

Go fuck yourself, you fuckless fuck bag!

Swallow my balls and choke, you hairy cunt!

Die of AIDS, you retarded pile of shit.

[BLEEPING]

[BLEEPING CONTINUES]

Whoa, what's all the screaming about?

Oh, Ann, it's nothing.

Why don't you put some clothes on?

What? I don't wanna have to look

at your [BLEEP] all day long.

No one's asking you to look at my [BLEEP].

How can I not look at them? That's [BLEEP] ridiculous.

Look, there is no need to talk to her that way. Okay?

But he does have a point.

If you wore a shirt, or-- Or something,

I think we'd all be a lot more comfortable.

God! You are such a weak fucking faggot!

I will walk around this house any way I want to.

And if you have a problem with that?

Why don't you eat my pussy out from behind!

You [BLEEP] bag!

Hey, guys, got some great news.

Just got off the phone with the landlord.

The apartment is ready, we can move in today.

Great.

Are you guys happy now? Yeah.

Look, uh, I'm sorry I was such an ---hole.

I'm sorry I acted like such a [BLEEPING].

I'm sorry I told you to eat my [BLEEP] out from behind.

You guys are all right.

Oh, and you guys can stay at our place anytime you like.

[*]

Thanks.

[*]

[*]

[*]

Smells great.

So far so good. I think we're on schedule.

Well, you look lovely.

Aw, thanks, Mom. Uh, what can I do to help?

Uh, you wanna fold the napkins?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Steven.

You can't be serious.

A tank top to a Thanksgiving dinner?

It's totally inappropriate.

I'm not six years old,

I don't need my mother to dress me anymore.

So, what time's your new stud get here?

DAD: Don't give your sister a hard time.

It's been a long time since she had a man in her life.

And we're all going to be supportive.

Dad. Do we have to make such a big deal about this?

Isn't it weird to bring a stranger

to Thanksgiving dinner?

Steven? Where'd you meet this guy?

I told you.

He runs the pottery collective I joined.

Ha. Doesn't sound like the kind of guy I'd hang out with.

Which is exactly what I like about him.

He's nothing like you.

You mean because he's gay?

No, 'cause he has a girlfriend?

You shut up! You shut up!

Hey! This isn't what the Indians

and the Pilgrims did.

Come on you two, let's just have a nice dinner.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay.

That's him. Don't be a jerk.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Hey! Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Darien, nice to meet you. I'm Alice.

So nice to finally meet you.

I-I didn't know what to bring so I brought an assortment

of herbal teas from around the world.

How nice of you. Thank you.

Hi, sweetie.

You look beautiful.

Oh, thanks. Um, Darien, this is my dad.

Sir, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Good to meet you, Darien.

And, um, that's my brother. Steven.

Nice snake.

Awesome snake.

Yeah.

Cool.

Love 'em. Yeah, snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes? Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes?

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes. Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Snakes.

[EXHALES] Snakes.

Snake skin.

Come on in.

Well.

Honey, that was delicious.

Oh. I'm stuffed.

If I could I'd-- I'd like to raise a glass

to this family for taking me in

on this special day of Thanksgiving.

It makes me feel very thankful.

Aww. That's sweet.

I'd like to make a toast also to my sister Julie.

Your new boyfriend Darien is one righteous dude.

Actually, there's one more thing I'd like to say.

Um, ahem, Julie was not expecting this,

but in front of the people

she loves most in the world,

I'd like to ask for her hand in marriage.

What? Oh, my God.

Darien, I would love to, I-- Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about!

[*]

[*]

[BELL TOLLS]

[*]

[*]

[*]

[DRUM ROLL]

VOICES: Wow!

[*]

* When I was 5 they gave me A baboon heart *

* When I was 23 You tore it apart *

* It didn't hurt me, It didn't mean a thing *

* But somewhere there's A baboon *

* And he's crying

* He's cryin' How's that make you feel? *

* Well, you can tell me I'm fat *

* I'm dumb, I'm bad in bed

* But it won't hurt me It'll hurt the baboon instead *

* And don't come crying to me

* When PETA Knocks down your door *

* You deserve what you get

* You primate-hating whore

* You're a whore

* And those tears that Are fallin' down my face *

* They're for the baboon

* He loved you very much

* And he hopes You change your mind soon *

* He misses your legs And he misses your lips *

* He misses your touch

* And he misses your tits Especially your tits *

* Did I mention your tits?

* But he hopes you change Your mind soon *

* He hopes you change Your mind soon *

* I hope you change your Mind soon *

* I meant to say he hopes You change your mind soon *

* But remember one thing

* As long as I live

* You can't hurt me, 'cause I've got a baboon heart *

* You can shit on it And tear it apart *

* You can do just whatever You wanna do *

* You'll only be hurting

* That poor baboon

* Baboon, baboon

* Baboon

* But you still won't

* Care

[*]

[*]

[*]

Jennie and David, thank you so much

for house-sitting for me while I'm away.

You're welcome! Give me them keys.

WOMAN: Here they come!

Awww! Yeah!

So cool, so cool, so cool, so cool.

[IN SINGSONG] Look at this place, isn't it great?

I found the snacks!

Mmm!

I found the porno!

Hairy Pooter and the Half Chub Prince.

Oh, well, I've seen it.

Awesome! They have a pool!

And they've got a sandbox!

[MEOWS] Good idea, Daniel.

Let's make a sand castle!

JENNIE: Cool!

Whoa! I'm okay.

Now for the final touch.

JENNIE: Eureka!

Jennie, what happened?

I found the cure for cancer.

Tell me what it is.

Yeah, come here, come here, come here.

All you have to do is

[WHISPERING]

Cancer.

It's so easy. Ha, ha, ha.

Pimp! Sucka's ripped!

[GRUNTS]

Cool! They got a flat screen!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SUCKS NOISILY]

Ah.

I need to take a wee-wee.

Oh, okay, fine, I'll pause it.

Thanks.

Come on!

This stupid thing.

Oh, there we go.

[*]

Jennie!

What?

Come in here.

One second.

I found the glue gun.

David, that's not a glue gun!

What?

It's a BeDazzler!

Oh, that's right, yeah. It shoots jewels.

Jewel me up, Scotty!

Just need to shoot you right in your head.

Oh, my God.

You look so good!

I love it!

[DANIEL MEOWS]

JEWEL-IE: To Jennie and David, Thanks for everything.

Jewel-ie Newmar.

[*]

[*]

[*]

What are you lookin' at?

[*]

CHILD:

AMERICA: North Korea, what you got there?

Fireworks.

What are you gonna do with them?

Nothing or something.

I don't want you to have those.

Why not? You have them.

I know. It's just--

I'm more mature than you. So what?

I'll hit you if you don't give me those fireworks.

I don't care. I already hit myself.

See?

Plus, I'm starving myself as we speak.

I'm your worst nightmare.

What do you want?

Unfreeze my money and give me more money.

Fine.

Great. Here's my fireworks.

No more.

Thanks for being reasonable, for once.

North Korea! What did we just talk about?

Well, America, you know I'm crazy. I can't help it.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[LOUD THUD]

[*]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you made it to the end of another

Funny or Die Presents.

Give yourselves a ribbon.

I hope you enjoyed tonight's show.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Now, this may sound a little old-fashioned,

maybe a little corny.

But I'm going to go home and fuck the wife.

[LAUGHING] That's so--

[*]

[*]