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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,741 [*] 2 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,384 Eat my ass, you fuckin' ass-eater! 3 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:16,621 Go fuck yourself, you fuckless fuck bag! 4 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:17,917 Swallow my balls-- 5 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,618 LINCOLN: Where you goin', tough guy? 6 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,290 Can you hear us, punk? Hey! 7 00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,389 Jennie, what happened? I found the cure for cancer. 8 00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:25,562 It's so easy. 9 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,259 [*] 10 00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,604 You know I'm crazy. 11 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:32,799 I can't help it. 12 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,470 [LAUGHING] 13 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,106 [*] 14 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:49,346 Welcome to another night of unbounded creativity 15 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,520 here on the Funny or Die Network. 16 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,560 At Funny or Die we're all about fostering fresh, 17 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,326 young, creative talent. 18 00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,225 On our website, and here on this show, 19 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:04,398 we've provided an exciting platform for new comedy ideas. 20 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:07,298 So much of what you'll be seeing tonight comes from kids, 21 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:11,041 with nothing more than a camera and a desire to create. 22 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,709 What you won't see is a lot of old people. 23 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,177 Old people are gross and they remind us of death 24 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,007 and no one likes looking at their wrinkly, 25 00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,482 gross, saggy skin. 26 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,450 Much like the whole entertainment industry, 27 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:24,419 Funny or Die also hates old people. 28 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,118 So if you're old and you're watching this, 29 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,990 you need to suck on it. 30 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,518 If you're young, like me, 31 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,833 and you like to goof off with the new cameras, 32 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:36,455 you'll really enjoy this fresh, young programming. 33 00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,674 [*] 34 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:04,164 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tonight on the Funny or Die Network. 35 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,358 Sleeping with Celebrities, 36 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,860 followed by the complete Slovin and Allen show. 37 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,433 A new video from Mike O'Connell. 38 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,343 The Adventures of David and Jennie. 39 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:19,206 And Playground Politics. 40 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,377 [*] 41 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,279 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: 42 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,652 Tonight, Wayne Newton. 43 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,657 [SNORING] 44 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,044 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: 45 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,910 [*] 46 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,120 [EXPLOSION] 47 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,488 [*] 48 00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,865 [TRAFFIC NOISES] 49 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:04,754 [HORNS HONKING] 50 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,205 Hey, I'm gonna run inside, take a little bathroom break. 51 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,815 Want me to get you something? 52 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:09,916 No, I'm good. You sure? 53 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,287 No coffee, tea, something? 54 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,915 You know, I will have a coffee. 55 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,050 How do you take it? 56 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,164 Black, no sugar. 57 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,115 No prob. 58 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,394 Hey, you know what? 59 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,232 I'm sorry. You know what? Um. 60 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,058 I've had too much caffeine today. 61 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,432 Can you just get me a tea? 62 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,871 You got it. Hey? 63 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,296 How's the weather up there, huh? 64 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,641 What did the, uh, circus leave town 65 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,197 and leave the two of you guys behind? 66 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,605 [LAUGHING] 67 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,278 What was that all about? What a jerk. 68 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,420 Let's give that guy a little talking to. 69 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,715 LINCOLN: Hey, buddy! Turn around, idiot! 70 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,487 You got some sort of a problem? Afraid to have a little talk? 71 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,617 I thought you had some words you wanted to say to us! 72 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,562 Oh, not such a tough guy anymore? 73 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,288 LINCOLN: Yeah? Where you goin', tough guy? 74 00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,433 Can you hear us, punk? Hey! 75 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,628 Come on, I'm gonna teach you some respect, boy! 76 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,630 Some-- You're dead, asshole! 77 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,972 [*] 78 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,397 MAN: No, no, wait. 79 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,295 No, no, I was kidding, I was just kidding. 80 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,667 I was just kidding. No, no, don't, 81 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,165 no, no, no, no, no. Ahh! No! 82 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,137 Oh, no! Ahh! Oww! Oh, no! Please. 83 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:11,166 Oh, no! 84 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,311 [SOBBING] Ah, oh, oh! 85 00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,837 [GRUNTING] 86 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:17,914 Ah! 87 00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,611 [THUD] 88 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,724 [*] 89 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,824 [BELL TOLLS] 90 00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,744 [SPITS] 91 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,907 [*] 92 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,843 [*] 93 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,053 Hey, what's up? 94 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,978 What's up? 95 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,560 Uh, you know what? I-I-I wanted to say something 96 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,086 about Ann and Ken still being here. 97 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,360 Oh, yeah, I know. 98 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,358 Their apartment's supposed to be Friday. 99 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,430 I guess they just needed a couple extra days. 100 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,401 It's been four days. 101 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,269 Well, what am I supposed to do? 102 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,737 Ask my brother to stay in a hotel? 103 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:51,436 Sure. Yeah. Well, guess what? 104 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,239 Not gonna ask my brother to stay in a hotel. 105 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,710 Well, it's just that they've been here 106 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,608 four days longer than you said they would. 107 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,110 And it's starting to get a little [BLEEP] annoying. 108 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,512 What the--? [BLEEP] you, man. 109 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,684 You had Jessica living here for, like, three months. 110 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,193 She's my [BLEEP] girlfriend. She was a nightmare, 111 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,485 you guys [BLEEP] hated each other. 112 00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,357 What? I can't have my own girlfriend 113 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,385 in my own god---- bedroom? 114 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,330 Yeah, well, she was in the bathroom for 115 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,755 three [BLEEP] hours every morning. 116 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:17,031 That's bull----! No, it's not fucking bullshit. 117 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,700 [BLEEP] 118 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,543 Yeah? Well, Ann and Ken are in the living room, 119 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,069 24 [BLEEP] hours a day. 120 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,244 I can't even watch TV in there with those two creeps 121 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,012 practically naked all the time. 122 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,551 They are my family. 123 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,716 They are ---holes. No, you're ---hole. 124 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:35,815 No, you're an ---hole. 125 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,646 You're the ---hole, ---hole. 126 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,721 I'm gonna stab you with this fucking [BLEEP]. 127 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:43,421 Yeah? I'm gonna [BLEEP] spoon! 128 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,763 Fuck you, asshole! 129 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,688 Suck my dick, cocksucker! 130 00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,534 Eat my ass, you fuckin' ass-eater! 131 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,530 Go fuck yourself, you fuckless fuck bag! 132 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:56,543 Swallow my balls and choke, you hairy cunt! 133 00:08:56,637 --> 00:09:00,267 Die of AIDS, you retarded pile of shit. 134 00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,884 [BLEEPING] 135 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,040 [BLEEPING CONTINUES] 136 00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,241 Whoa, what's all the screaming about? 137 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,680 Oh, Ann, it's nothing. 138 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,505 Why don't you put some clothes on? 139 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,250 What? I don't wanna have to look 140 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,845 at your [BLEEP] all day long. 141 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,717 No one's asking you to look at my [BLEEP]. 142 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:45,285 How can I not look at them? That's [BLEEP] ridiculous. 143 00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,855 Look, there is no need to talk to her that way. Okay? 144 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,515 But he does have a point. 145 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,633 If you wore a shirt, or-- Or something, 146 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,725 I think we'd all be a lot more comfortable. 147 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,857 God! You are such a weak fucking faggot! 148 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,604 I will walk around this house any way I want to. 149 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,500 And if you have a problem with that? 150 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,011 Why don't you eat my pussy out from behind! 151 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,565 You [BLEEP] bag! 152 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:09,544 Hey, guys, got some great news. 153 00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,683 Just got off the phone with the landlord. 154 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,849 The apartment is ready, we can move in today. 155 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:15,978 Great. 156 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,893 Are you guys happy now? Yeah. 157 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,585 Look, uh, I'm sorry I was such an ---hole. 158 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,829 I'm sorry I acted like such a [BLEEPING]. 159 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:28,395 I'm sorry I told you to eat my [BLEEP] out from behind. 160 00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:30,795 You guys are all right. 161 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,966 Oh, and you guys can stay at our place anytime you like. 162 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,169 [*] 163 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,070 Thanks. 164 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,724 [*] 165 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,771 [*] 166 00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,812 [*] 167 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,879 Smells great. 168 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:25,691 So far so good. I think we're on schedule. 169 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,120 Well, you look lovely. 170 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:31,021 Aw, thanks, Mom. Uh, what can I do to help? 171 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,434 Uh, you wanna fold the napkins? 172 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,225 Oh, yeah. 173 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,396 Oh, Steven. 174 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,397 You can't be serious. 175 00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,244 A tank top to a Thanksgiving dinner? 176 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,206 It's totally inappropriate. 177 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,565 I'm not six years old, 178 00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,913 I don't need my mother to dress me anymore. 179 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,250 So, what time's your new stud get here? 180 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,316 DAD: Don't give your sister a hard time. 181 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,515 It's been a long time since she had a man in her life. 182 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,718 And we're all going to be supportive. 183 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,891 Dad. Do we have to make such a big deal about this? 184 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,261 Isn't it weird to bring a stranger 185 00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,489 to Thanksgiving dinner? 186 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,734 Steven? Where'd you meet this guy? 187 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,630 I told you. 188 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,571 He runs the pottery collective I joined. 189 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:16,636 Ha. Doesn't sound like the kind of guy I'd hang out with. 190 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,566 Which is exactly what I like about him. 191 00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:19,911 He's nothing like you. 192 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,437 You mean because he's gay? 193 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,611 No, 'cause he has a girlfriend? 194 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,779 You shut up! You shut up! 195 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,508 Hey! This isn't what the Indians 196 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,124 and the Pilgrims did. 197 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:32,846 Come on you two, let's just have a nice dinner. 198 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,423 [DOORBELL RINGS] 199 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,491 Okay. 200 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,188 That's him. Don't be a jerk. 201 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,391 Oh, I'm so excited. 202 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,763 Hey! Okay. 203 00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,874 [DOORBELL RINGS] 204 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,069 Hello, Darien, nice to meet you. I'm Alice. 205 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,612 So nice to finally meet you. 206 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,207 I-I didn't know what to bring so I brought an assortment 207 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,580 of herbal teas from around the world. 208 00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,549 How nice of you. Thank you. 209 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,223 Hi, sweetie. 210 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,787 You look beautiful. 211 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:10,287 Oh, thanks. Um, Darien, this is my dad. 212 00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,960 Sir, it's a pleasure to finally meet you. 213 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,030 Good to meet you, Darien. 214 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,398 And, um, that's my brother. Steven. 215 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,508 Nice snake. 216 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,309 Awesome snake. 217 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,551 Yeah. 218 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,875 Cool. 219 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,881 Love 'em. Yeah, snakes. 220 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,823 Snakes. Snakes. 221 00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,188 Snakes. 222 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,286 Snakes. 223 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:41,957 Snakes. Snakes. 224 00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,685 Snakes. Snakes. 225 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:44,790 Snakes. 226 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,232 Snakes. 227 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,556 Snakes. 228 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,600 Snakes. 229 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:49,855 Snakes. 230 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,233 Snakes. Snakes. 231 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,332 Snakes. Snakes. 232 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,344 Snakes. Snakes. 233 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,336 Snakes. Snakes. 234 00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,338 Snakes. 235 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:00,709 Snakes. 236 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,937 Snakes. Snakes. 237 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,783 Snakes. Snakes. 238 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,608 Snakes? Snakes. 239 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:08,583 Snakes. Snakes. 240 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:09,951 Snakes. Snakes. 241 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,920 Snakes. Snakes. 242 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,689 Snakes. Snakes? 243 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,286 Snakes. Snakes. 244 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,558 Snakes. Snakes. 245 00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,587 Snakes. 246 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,091 Snakes. 247 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,133 Snakes. 248 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:24,797 Snakes. 249 00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,898 [EXHALES] Snakes. 250 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,870 Snake skin. 251 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,338 Come on in. 252 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,436 Well. 253 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,038 Honey, that was delicious. 254 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,680 Oh. I'm stuffed. 255 00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:38,805 If I could I'd-- I'd like to raise a glass 256 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,382 to this family for taking me in 257 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,051 on this special day of Thanksgiving. 258 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,851 It makes me feel very thankful. 259 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,915 Aww. That's sweet. 260 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:53,493 I'd like to make a toast also to my sister Julie. 261 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:58,273 Your new boyfriend Darien is one righteous dude. 262 00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,395 Actually, there's one more thing I'd like to say. 263 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:04,971 Um, ahem, Julie was not expecting this, 264 00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,712 but in front of the people 265 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:11,307 she loves most in the world, 266 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:15,581 I'd like to ask for her hand in marriage. 267 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,147 What? Oh, my God. 268 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,651 Darien, I would love to, I-- Yeah! 269 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,664 Yeah! 270 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,785 Yeah! Yeah! 271 00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:25,991 Yeah! 272 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,203 Yeah! Yeah! 273 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,455 Oh, yes! That's what I'm talkin' about! 274 00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,573 [*] 275 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,633 [*] 276 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,174 [BELL TOLLS] 277 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,075 [*] 278 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,181 [*] 279 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,453 [*] 280 00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,028 [DRUM ROLL] 281 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,165 VOICES: Wow! 282 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:44,197 [*] 283 00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:01,424 * When I was 5 they gave me A baboon heart * 284 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:05,561 * When I was 23 You tore it apart * 285 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,928 * It didn't hurt me, It didn't mean a thing * 286 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,929 * But somewhere there's A baboon * 287 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,472 * And he's crying 288 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,108 * He's cryin' How's that make you feel? * 289 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,135 * Well, you can tell me I'm fat * 290 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,710 * I'm dumb, I'm bad in bed 291 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:26,349 * But it won't hurt me It'll hurt the baboon instead * 292 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,416 * And don't come crying to me 293 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,915 * When PETA Knocks down your door * 294 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,217 * You deserve what you get 295 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:35,659 * You primate-hating whore 296 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,625 * You're a whore 297 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:43,025 * And those tears that Are fallin' down my face * 298 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:45,770 * They're for the baboon 299 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,767 * He loved you very much 300 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:54,569 * And he hopes You change your mind soon * 301 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:59,314 * He misses your legs And he misses your lips * 302 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,612 * He misses your touch 303 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:05,254 * And he misses your tits Especially your tits * 304 00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:08,262 * Did I mention your tits? 305 00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:14,260 * But he hopes you change Your mind soon * 306 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:18,471 * He hopes you change Your mind soon * 307 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,795 * I hope you change your Mind soon * 308 00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:26,341 * I meant to say he hopes You change your mind soon * 309 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,679 * But remember one thing 310 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,705 * As long as I live 311 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:35,180 * You can't hurt me, 'cause I've got a baboon heart * 312 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:39,092 * You can shit on it And tear it apart * 313 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,986 * You can do just whatever You wanna do * 314 00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,259 * You'll only be hurting 315 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,798 * That poor baboon 316 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:52,095 * Baboon, baboon 317 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:56,299 * Baboon 318 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:01,968 * But you still won't 319 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,484 * Care 320 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,691 [*] 321 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,233 [*] 322 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,283 [*] 323 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,319 Jennie and David, thank you so much 324 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,345 for house-sitting for me while I'm away. 325 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,491 You're welcome! Give me them keys. 326 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,786 WOMAN: Here they come! 327 00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,333 Awww! Yeah! 328 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,902 So cool, so cool, so cool, so cool. 329 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,300 [IN SINGSONG] Look at this place, isn't it great? 330 00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,444 I found the snacks! 331 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,309 Mmm! 332 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,377 I found the porno! 333 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:13,176 Hairy Pooter and the Half Chub Prince. 334 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,150 Oh, well, I've seen it. 335 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:17,777 Awesome! They have a pool! 336 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,624 And they've got a sandbox! 337 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,460 [MEOWS] Good idea, Daniel. 338 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,585 Let's make a sand castle! 339 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,027 JENNIE: Cool! 340 00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:32,328 Whoa! I'm okay. 341 00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:35,132 Now for the final touch. 342 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,874 JENNIE: Eureka! 343 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,069 Jennie, what happened? 344 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,970 I found the cure for cancer. 345 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,443 Tell me what it is. 346 00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:45,012 Yeah, come here, come here, come here. 347 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,081 All you have to do is 348 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,578 [WHISPERING] 349 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,150 Cancer. 350 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,078 It's so easy. Ha, ha, ha. 351 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,953 Pimp! Sucka's ripped! 352 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,264 [GRUNTS] 353 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,326 Cool! They got a flat screen! 354 00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:04,995 [BOTH LAUGHING] 355 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,767 [SUCKS NOISILY] 356 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,167 Ah. 357 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,399 I need to take a wee-wee. 358 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,174 Oh, okay, fine, I'll pause it. 359 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,912 Thanks. 360 00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:15,977 Come on! 361 00:21:16,075 --> 00:21:17,975 This stupid thing. 362 00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,779 Oh, there we go. 363 00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,882 [*] 364 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:32,490 Jennie! 365 00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:33,762 What? 366 00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:35,260 Come in here. 367 00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,502 One second. 368 00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,497 I found the glue gun. 369 00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:42,569 David, that's not a glue gun! 370 00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,139 What? 371 00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:47,706 It's a BeDazzler! 372 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:51,177 Oh, that's right, yeah. It shoots jewels. 373 00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,407 Jewel me up, Scotty! 374 00:21:57,917 --> 00:22:01,347 Just need to shoot you right in your head. 375 00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,061 Oh, my God. 376 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,630 You look so good! 377 00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:12,630 I love it! 378 00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:15,742 [DANIEL MEOWS] 379 00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,735 JEWEL-IE: To Jennie and David, Thanks for everything. 380 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,168 Jewel-ie Newmar. 381 00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,642 [*] 382 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,746 [*] 383 00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:36,916 [*] 384 00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,893 What are you lookin' at? 385 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,230 [*] 386 00:22:45,331 --> 00:22:49,671 CHILD: 387 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:53,173 AMERICA: North Korea, what you got there? 388 00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:54,172 Fireworks. 389 00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:55,513 What are you gonna do with them? 390 00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:57,278 Nothing or something. 391 00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,476 I don't want you to have those. 392 00:22:58,578 --> 00:23:00,178 Why not? You have them. 393 00:23:00,279 --> 00:23:01,409 I know. It's just-- 394 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:03,524 I'm more mature than you. So what? 395 00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:05,416 I'll hit you if you don't give me those fireworks. 396 00:23:05,518 --> 00:23:07,918 I don't care. I already hit myself. 397 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,490 See? 398 00:23:09,589 --> 00:23:11,619 Plus, I'm starving myself as we speak. 399 00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:14,064 I'm your worst nightmare. 400 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,360 What do you want? 401 00:23:15,462 --> 00:23:17,932 Unfreeze my money and give me more money. 402 00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,170 Fine. 403 00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:20,395 Great. Here's my fireworks. 404 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:21,630 No more. 405 00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,944 Thanks for being reasonable, for once. 406 00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:29,776 North Korea! What did we just talk about? 407 00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:33,106 Well, America, you know I'm crazy. I can't help it. 408 00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:34,382 [LAUGHING MANIACALLY] 409 00:23:34,481 --> 00:23:36,581 [LOUD THUD] 410 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:40,720 [*] 411 00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:49,499 [CHUCKLES] 412 00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:51,496 Well, you made it to the end of another 413 00:23:51,598 --> 00:23:53,398 Funny or Die Presents. 414 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:54,800 Give yourselves a ribbon. 415 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:56,541 I hope you enjoyed tonight's show. 416 00:23:56,636 --> 00:23:58,506 Enjoy the rest of your evening. 417 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,605 Now, this may sound a little old-fashioned, 418 00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:01,967 maybe a little corny. 419 00:24:02,074 --> 00:24:05,514 But I'm going to go home and fuck the wife. 420 00:24:08,214 --> 00:24:11,224 [LAUGHING] That's so-- 421 00:24:11,317 --> 00:24:14,517 [*] 422 00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:19,226 [*] 27735

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