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1
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,741
[*]
2
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,384
Eat my ass,
you fuckin' ass-eater!
3
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:16,621
Go fuck yourself,
you fuckless fuck bag!
4
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:17,917
Swallow my balls--
5
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,618
LINCOLN:
Where you goin', tough guy?
6
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,290
Can you hear us, punk?
Hey!
7
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,389
Jennie, what happened?
I found the cure for cancer.
8
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:25,562
It's so easy.
9
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,259
[*]
10
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,604
You know I'm crazy.
11
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:32,799
I can't help it.
12
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,470
[LAUGHING]
13
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,106
[*]
14
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:49,346
Welcome to another night
of unbounded creativity
15
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:52,520
here on
the Funny or Die Network.
16
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,560
At Funny or Die we're all about
fostering fresh,
17
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,326
young, creative talent.
18
00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,225
On our website,
and here on this show,
19
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:04,398
we've provided an exciting
platform for new comedy ideas.
20
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:07,298
So much of what you'll be seeing
tonight comes from kids,
21
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:11,041
with nothing more than a camera
and a desire to create.
22
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,709
What you won't see
is a lot of old people.
23
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:16,177
Old people are gross
and they remind us of death
24
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,007
and no one likes looking
at their wrinkly,
25
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,482
gross, saggy skin.
26
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,450
Much like the whole
entertainment industry,
27
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:24,419
Funny or Die
also hates old people.
28
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,118
So if you're old
and you're watching this,
29
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,990
you need to suck on it.
30
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,518
If you're young, like me,
31
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,833
and you like to goof off
with the new cameras,
32
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:36,455
you'll really enjoy this fresh,
young programming.
33
00:01:36,564 --> 00:01:38,674
[*]
34
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:04,164
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Tonight on
the Funny or Die Network.
35
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,358
Sleeping with Celebrities,
36
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,860
followed by the complete
Slovin and Allen show.
37
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,433
A new video from
Mike O'Connell.
38
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,343
The Adventures
of David and Jennie.
39
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:19,206
And Playground Politics.
40
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,377
[*]
41
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:28,279
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
42
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,652
Tonight, Wayne Newton.
43
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,657
[SNORING]
44
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:27,044
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
45
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,910
[*]
46
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,120
[EXPLOSION]
47
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,488
[*]
48
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,865
[TRAFFIC NOISES]
49
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:04,754
[HORNS HONKING]
50
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,205
Hey, I'm gonna run inside,
take a little bathroom break.
51
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,815
Want me to get you something?
52
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:09,916
No, I'm good.
You sure?
53
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,287
No coffee, tea, something?
54
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,915
You know,
I will have a coffee.
55
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,050
How do you take it?
56
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,164
Black, no sugar.
57
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,115
No prob.
58
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,394
Hey, you know what?
59
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,232
I'm sorry.
You know what? Um.
60
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,058
I've had too much
caffeine today.
61
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,432
Can you just get me a tea?
62
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,871
You got it.
Hey?
63
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,296
How's the weather up there, huh?
64
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,641
What did the, uh,
circus leave town
65
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,197
and leave the two
of you guys behind?
66
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,605
[LAUGHING]
67
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,278
What was that all about?
What a jerk.
68
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,420
Let's give that guy
a little talking to.
69
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,715
LINCOLN: Hey, buddy!
Turn around, idiot!
70
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,487
You got some sort of a problem?
Afraid to have a little talk?
71
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,617
I thought you had some words
you wanted to say to us!
72
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,562
Oh, not such
a tough guy anymore?
73
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,288
LINCOLN:
Yeah? Where you goin',
tough guy?
74
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,433
Can you hear us, punk?
Hey!
75
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,628
Come on, I'm gonna teach you
some respect, boy!
76
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,630
Some--
You're dead, asshole!
77
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,972
[*]
78
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,397
MAN:
No, no, wait.
79
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,295
No, no, I was kidding,
I was just kidding.
80
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,667
I was just kidding. No, no,
don't,
81
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,165
no, no, no, no, no.
Ahh! No!
82
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,137
Oh, no! Ahh! Oww! Oh, no!
Please.
83
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:11,166
Oh, no!
84
00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:13,311
[SOBBING]
Ah, oh, oh!
85
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,837
[GRUNTING]
86
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:17,914
Ah!
87
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,611
[THUD]
88
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,724
[*]
89
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:26,824
[BELL TOLLS]
90
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:45,744
[SPITS]
91
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,907
[*]
92
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,843
[*]
93
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,053
Hey, what's up?
94
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,978
What's up?
95
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,560
Uh, you know what?
I-I-I wanted to say something
96
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,086
about Ann and Ken
still being here.
97
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,360
Oh, yeah, I know.
98
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,358
Their apartment's
supposed to be Friday.
99
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,430
I guess they just needed
a couple extra days.
100
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,401
It's been four days.
101
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,269
Well,
what am I supposed to do?
102
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,737
Ask my brother to stay
in a hotel?
103
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:51,436
Sure.
Yeah. Well, guess what?
104
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,239
Not gonna ask my brother
to stay in a hotel.
105
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,710
Well, it's just that
they've been here
106
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,608
four days longer
than you said they would.
107
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,110
And it's starting to get
a little [BLEEP] annoying.
108
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,512
What the--? [BLEEP] you, man.
109
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,684
You had Jessica living here
for, like, three months.
110
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,193
She's my [BLEEP] girlfriend.
She was a nightmare,
111
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,485
you guys [BLEEP] hated
each other.
112
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,357
What? I can't have
my own girlfriend
113
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,385
in my own god---- bedroom?
114
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,330
Yeah, well, she was
in the bathroom for
115
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,755
three [BLEEP] hours
every morning.
116
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:17,031
That's bull----!
No, it's not fucking bullshit.
117
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,700
[BLEEP]
118
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,543
Yeah? Well, Ann and Ken
are in the living room,
119
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,069
24 [BLEEP] hours a day.
120
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,244
I can't even watch TV in there
with those two creeps
121
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,012
practically naked all the time.
122
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,551
They are my family.
123
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,716
They are ---holes.
No, you're ---hole.
124
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:35,815
No, you're an ---hole.
125
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,646
You're the ---hole,
---hole.
126
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,721
I'm gonna stab you
with this fucking [BLEEP].
127
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:43,421
Yeah?
I'm gonna [BLEEP] spoon!
128
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,763
Fuck you, asshole!
129
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,688
Suck my dick, cocksucker!
130
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,534
Eat my ass,
you fuckin' ass-eater!
131
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,530
Go fuck yourself,
you fuckless fuck bag!
132
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:56,543
Swallow my balls and choke,
you hairy cunt!
133
00:08:56,637 --> 00:09:00,267
Die of AIDS,
you retarded pile of shit.
134
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,884
[BLEEPING]
135
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,040
[BLEEPING CONTINUES]
136
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,241
Whoa,
what's all the screaming about?
137
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,680
Oh, Ann,
it's nothing.
138
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,505
Why don't you
put some clothes on?
139
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,250
What?
I don't wanna have to look
140
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,845
at your [BLEEP] all day long.
141
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,717
No one's asking you
to look at my [BLEEP].
142
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:45,285
How can I not look at them?
That's [BLEEP] ridiculous.
143
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,855
Look, there is no need
to talk to her that way. Okay?
144
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,515
But he does have a point.
145
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,633
If you wore a shirt, or--
Or something,
146
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,725
I think we'd all be
a lot more comfortable.
147
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,857
God! You are such
a weak fucking faggot!
148
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,604
I will walk around this house
any way I want to.
149
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,500
And if you have
a problem with that?
150
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,011
Why don't you
eat my pussy out from behind!
151
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,565
You [BLEEP] bag!
152
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:09,544
Hey, guys,
got some great news.
153
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,683
Just got off the phone
with the landlord.
154
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,849
The apartment is ready,
we can move in today.
155
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:15,978
Great.
156
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,893
Are you guys happy now?
Yeah.
157
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:21,585
Look, uh, I'm sorry
I was such an ---hole.
158
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,829
I'm sorry I acted like
such a [BLEEPING].
159
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:28,395
I'm sorry I told you to eat
my [BLEEP] out from behind.
160
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:30,795
You guys are all right.
161
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,966
Oh, and you guys can stay
at our place anytime you like.
162
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,169
[*]
163
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,070
Thanks.
164
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,724
[*]
165
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,771
[*]
166
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,812
[*]
167
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,879
Smells great.
168
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:25,691
So far so good.
I think we're on schedule.
169
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,120
Well, you look lovely.
170
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:31,021
Aw, thanks, Mom. Uh, what can I
do to help?
171
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,434
Uh, you wanna
fold the napkins?
172
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,225
Oh, yeah.
173
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,396
Oh, Steven.
174
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,397
You can't be serious.
175
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,244
A tank top
to a Thanksgiving dinner?
176
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,206
It's totally inappropriate.
177
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,565
I'm not six years old,
178
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,913
I don't need my mother
to dress me anymore.
179
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,250
So, what time's
your new stud get here?
180
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,316
DAD:
Don't give your sister
a hard time.
181
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:58,515
It's been a long time since
she had a man in her life.
182
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,718
And we're all going
to be supportive.
183
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:03,891
Dad. Do we have to make such
a big deal about this?
184
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,261
Isn't it weird to bring
a stranger
185
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,489
to Thanksgiving dinner?
186
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,734
Steven?
Where'd you meet this guy?
187
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,630
I told you.
188
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,571
He runs the pottery collective
I joined.
189
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:16,636
Ha. Doesn't sound like the kind
of guy I'd hang out with.
190
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,566
Which is exactly
what I like about him.
191
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:19,911
He's nothing like you.
192
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,437
You mean because he's gay?
193
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,611
No,
'cause he has a girlfriend?
194
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,779
You shut up!
You shut up!
195
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,508
Hey! This isn't what
the Indians
196
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,124
and the Pilgrims did.
197
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:32,846
Come on you two,
let's just have a nice dinner.
198
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,423
[DOORBELL RINGS]
199
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,491
Okay.
200
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,188
That's him.
Don't be a jerk.
201
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,391
Oh, I'm so excited.
202
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,763
Hey!
Okay.
203
00:12:44,664 --> 00:12:46,874
[DOORBELL RINGS]
204
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,069
Hello, Darien, nice to meet you.
I'm Alice.
205
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,612
So nice to finally meet you.
206
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,207
I-I didn't know what to bring
so I brought an assortment
207
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,580
of herbal teas
from around the world.
208
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,549
How nice of you. Thank
you.
209
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,223
Hi, sweetie.
210
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,787
You look beautiful.
211
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:10,287
Oh, thanks.
Um, Darien, this is my dad.
212
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,960
Sir, it's a pleasure
to finally meet you.
213
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,030
Good to meet you, Darien.
214
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,398
And, um, that's my brother.
Steven.
215
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:29,508
Nice snake.
216
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,309
Awesome snake.
217
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,551
Yeah.
218
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,875
Cool.
219
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,881
Love 'em.
Yeah, snakes.
220
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,823
Snakes.
Snakes.
221
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,188
Snakes.
222
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,286
Snakes.
223
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:41,957
Snakes.
Snakes.
224
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,685
Snakes.
Snakes.
225
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:44,790
Snakes.
226
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,232
Snakes.
227
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,556
Snakes.
228
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,600
Snakes.
229
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:49,855
Snakes.
230
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:52,233
Snakes.
Snakes.
231
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,332
Snakes.
Snakes.
232
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,344
Snakes.
Snakes.
233
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,336
Snakes.
Snakes.
234
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,338
Snakes.
235
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:00,709
Snakes.
236
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,937
Snakes.
Snakes.
237
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,783
Snakes.
Snakes.
238
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,608
Snakes?
Snakes.
239
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:08,583
Snakes.
Snakes.
240
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:09,951
Snakes.
Snakes.
241
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,920
Snakes.
Snakes.
242
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,689
Snakes.
Snakes?
243
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,286
Snakes.
Snakes.
244
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:17,558
Snakes.
Snakes.
245
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,587
Snakes.
246
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,091
Snakes.
247
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,133
Snakes.
248
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:24,797
Snakes.
249
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,898
[EXHALES]
Snakes.
250
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,870
Snake skin.
251
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,338
Come on in.
252
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,436
Well.
253
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,038
Honey, that was delicious.
254
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,680
Oh.
I'm stuffed.
255
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:38,805
If I could I'd--
I'd like to raise a glass
256
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,382
to this family
for taking me in
257
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,051
on this special day
of Thanksgiving.
258
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,851
It makes me feel very thankful.
259
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,915
Aww. That's sweet.
260
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:53,493
I'd like to make a toast also
to my sister Julie.
261
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:58,273
Your new boyfriend Darien
is one righteous dude.
262
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,395
Actually, there's one more thing
I'd like to say.
263
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:04,971
Um, ahem,
Julie was not expecting this,
264
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,712
but in front of the people
265
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:11,307
she loves most in the world,
266
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:15,581
I'd like to ask
for her hand in marriage.
267
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,147
What? Oh, my God.
268
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,651
Darien, I would love to, I--
Yeah!
269
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,664
Yeah!
270
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,785
Yeah!
Yeah!
271
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:25,991
Yeah!
272
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,203
Yeah!
Yeah!
273
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,455
Oh, yes!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
274
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,573
[*]
275
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,633
[*]
276
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,174
[BELL TOLLS]
277
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,075
[*]
278
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,181
[*]
279
00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,453
[*]
280
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,028
[DRUM ROLL]
281
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,165
VOICES:
Wow!
282
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:44,197
[*]
283
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:01,424
* When I was 5 they gave me
A baboon heart *
284
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:05,561
* When I was 23
You tore it apart *
285
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,928
* It didn't hurt me,
It didn't mean a thing *
286
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,929
* But somewhere there's
A baboon *
287
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,472
* And he's crying
288
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,108
* He's cryin'
How's that make you feel? *
289
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,135
* Well, you can tell me
I'm fat *
290
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,710
* I'm dumb, I'm bad in bed
291
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:26,349
* But it won't hurt me
It'll hurt the baboon instead *
292
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,416
* And don't come crying to me
293
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,915
* When PETA
Knocks down your door *
294
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,217
* You deserve what you get
295
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:35,659
* You primate-hating whore
296
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,625
* You're a whore
297
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:43,025
* And those tears that
Are fallin' down my face *
298
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:45,770
* They're for the baboon
299
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,767
* He loved you very much
300
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:54,569
* And he hopes
You change your mind soon *
301
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:59,314
* He misses your legs
And he misses your lips *
302
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,612
* He misses your touch
303
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:05,254
* And he misses your tits
Especially your tits *
304
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:08,262
* Did I mention your tits?
305
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:14,260
* But he hopes you change
Your mind soon *
306
00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:18,471
* He hopes you change
Your mind soon *
307
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:21,795
* I hope you change your
Mind soon *
308
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:26,341
* I meant to say he hopes
You change your mind soon *
309
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,679
* But remember one thing
310
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,705
* As long as I live
311
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:35,180
* You can't hurt me, 'cause
I've got a baboon heart *
312
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:39,092
* You can shit on it
And tear it apart *
313
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,986
* You can do just whatever
You wanna do *
314
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,259
* You'll only be hurting
315
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,798
* That poor baboon
316
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:52,095
* Baboon, baboon
317
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:56,299
* Baboon
318
00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:01,968
* But you still won't
319
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,484
* Care
320
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,691
[*]
321
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,233
[*]
322
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,283
[*]
323
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,319
Jennie and David,
thank you so much
324
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,345
for house-sitting for me
while I'm away.
325
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,491
You're welcome!
Give me them keys.
326
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,786
WOMAN:
Here they come!
327
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,333
Awww!
Yeah!
328
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,902
So cool, so cool,
so cool, so cool.
329
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,300
[IN SINGSONG]
Look at this place,
isn't it great?
330
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,444
I found the snacks!
331
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,309
Mmm!
332
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,377
I found the porno!
333
00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:13,176
Hairy Pooter
and the Half Chub Prince.
334
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,150
Oh, well, I've seen it.
335
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:17,777
Awesome! They have a pool!
336
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,624
And they've got a sandbox!
337
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,460
[MEOWS]
Good idea, Daniel.
338
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,585
Let's make a sand castle!
339
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,027
JENNIE:
Cool!
340
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:32,328
Whoa! I'm okay.
341
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:35,132
Now for the final touch.
342
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,874
JENNIE:
Eureka!
343
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,069
Jennie, what happened?
344
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,970
I found the cure for cancer.
345
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,443
Tell me what it is.
346
00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:45,012
Yeah, come here,
come here, come here.
347
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,081
All you have to do is
348
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,578
[WHISPERING]
349
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,150
Cancer.
350
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,078
It's so easy. Ha, ha, ha.
351
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,953
Pimp!
Sucka's ripped!
352
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,264
[GRUNTS]
353
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:59,326
Cool! They got
a flat screen!
354
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:04,995
[BOTH LAUGHING]
355
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,767
[SUCKS NOISILY]
356
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,167
Ah.
357
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,399
I need to take a wee-wee.
358
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,174
Oh, okay, fine,
I'll pause it.
359
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,912
Thanks.
360
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:15,977
Come on!
361
00:21:16,075 --> 00:21:17,975
This stupid thing.
362
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:22,779
Oh, there we go.
363
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,882
[*]
364
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:32,490
Jennie!
365
00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:33,762
What?
366
00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:35,260
Come in here.
367
00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,502
One second.
368
00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:39,497
I found the glue gun.
369
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:42,569
David,
that's not a glue gun!
370
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,139
What?
371
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:47,706
It's a BeDazzler!
372
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:51,177
Oh, that's right, yeah.
It shoots jewels.
373
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,407
Jewel me up, Scotty!
374
00:21:57,917 --> 00:22:01,347
Just need to shoot you right
in your head.
375
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,061
Oh, my God.
376
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,630
You look so good!
377
00:22:10,730 --> 00:22:12,630
I love it!
378
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:15,742
[DANIEL MEOWS]
379
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:18,735
JEWEL-IE:
To Jennie and David,
Thanks for everything.
380
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,168
Jewel-ie Newmar.
381
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,642
[*]
382
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,746
[*]
383
00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:36,916
[*]
384
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,893
What are you lookin' at?
385
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,230
[*]
386
00:22:45,331 --> 00:22:49,671
CHILD:
387
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:53,173
AMERICA:
North Korea, what you got there?
388
00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:54,172
Fireworks.
389
00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:55,513
What are you gonna do with them?
390
00:22:55,608 --> 00:22:57,278
Nothing or something.
391
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,476
I don't want you to have those.
392
00:22:58,578 --> 00:23:00,178
Why not? You have them.
393
00:23:00,279 --> 00:23:01,409
I know. It's just--
394
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:03,524
I'm more mature than you.
So what?
395
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:05,416
I'll hit you if you don't give
me those fireworks.
396
00:23:05,518 --> 00:23:07,918
I don't care.
I already hit myself.
397
00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:09,490
See?
398
00:23:09,589 --> 00:23:11,619
Plus, I'm starving myself
as we speak.
399
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:14,064
I'm your worst nightmare.
400
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,360
What do you want?
401
00:23:15,462 --> 00:23:17,932
Unfreeze my money
and give me more money.
402
00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,170
Fine.
403
00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:20,395
Great.
Here's my fireworks.
404
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:21,630
No more.
405
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:24,944
Thanks for being reasonable,
for once.
406
00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:29,776
North Korea!
What did we just talk about?
407
00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:33,106
Well, America, you know
I'm crazy. I can't help it.
408
00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:34,382
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
409
00:23:34,481 --> 00:23:36,581
[LOUD THUD]
410
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:40,720
[*]
411
00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:49,499
[CHUCKLES]
412
00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:51,496
Well, you made it
to the end of another
413
00:23:51,598 --> 00:23:53,398
Funny or Die Presents.
414
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:54,800
Give yourselves a ribbon.
415
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:56,541
I hope you enjoyed
tonight's show.
416
00:23:56,636 --> 00:23:58,506
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
417
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,605
Now, this may sound
a little old-fashioned,
418
00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:01,967
maybe a little corny.
419
00:24:02,074 --> 00:24:05,514
But I'm going to go home
and fuck the wife.
420
00:24:08,214 --> 00:24:11,224
[LAUGHING]
That's so--
421
00:24:11,317 --> 00:24:14,517
[*]
422
00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:19,226
[*]
27735
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