Original subtitles

[*]

Oh, hells yeah!

MAN 1: Party! MAN 2: Yeah, T-shirt!

And to prove there's no smoke and mirrors,

let's try it again with my penis.

I didn't take my pants off or anything did I?

Whipped! Whipped!

[IMITATES WHIP]

Oh, shit, look at that.

Oh!

N-- No, no, no. Oh, yeah. Pow!

Oh, good night!

[*]

What you're about to see is nothing short of a miracle.

Television so revolutionary that at this point in time

there is nothing else like it anywhere.

Now, you may ask yourself how is this possible?

Computers, that's how.

Funny or Die is at the forefront of computer technology.

Leading the way in computer comedy programming.

Tonight marks a departure from our usual business model

as we join the ever-declining world of broadcast television.

Think of what you're about to see as a kind of

network onto itself.

A half-hour network complete with its own line up

of wonderful shows.

Basically, the same kind of horseshit

we throw up on the website.

HBO has graciously given us a home,

which means from time to time you may hear the word fuck.

I don't know why, maybe because as a society

we've lost our moral compass.

At any rate, I hope a few dirty words won't stop you

from watching tonight's program.

There's even a chance, quite small of course,

that you may like it.

[*]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die network,

a sketch show from Derek Waters, Playground Politics.

The first installment of Designated Driver

with Rob Riggle and Paul Shear.

And Space Baby.

[HEARTBEAT]

TOMMY: You feeling it yet?

Yeah.

It just kicked in.

Ecstasy is the best.

Get ready to love to everything.

Really?

Yeah. [DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, sweetheart.

I'm not in love with you anymore.

I'm sorry, buddy. Are you okay?

Yeah, I am.

Is that weird? No.

It means it's working.

Awesome.

Let's go to the planetarium.

Yeah.

[*]

Oh!

How you feeling now?

Kinda horny!

[SCREAMING]

[BUZZING]

Hey, how are you feeling now?

Still feeling good.

You look good.

[*]

Check please. Hmm.

Oh!

[*]

[*]

Today we're gonna talk about Frederick Douglass.

JEN: The Union was falling apart, the south was seceding,

it was a very young country.

Frederick Douglass was an abolitionist.

And he believed it is morally wrong to have slavery.

And people were like, "Hey, Lincoln,

this guy's talking a good game you should meet with him."

And Lincoln wasn't a douche bag.

He's like, "Okay, I'll meet with him."

Frederick Douglass comes to the White House.

Senator Pomeroy was like,

"Duh-duh-duh, Abraham Lincoln,

"let me introduce you to Frederick Douglass,

"a black former slave,

"a good black man who has some speeches.

"He would like to talk to you.

"I'm not being prejudice, I just-- Well, he's black.

I'd like to let you know."

And he was asking--

He was asking Frederick Douglass,

"What do I do about slavery?

What do I do about the black population?"

And Frederick Douglass comes over to him and he's like,

"Whoo, well, okay.

"Abraham Lincoln, I am Frederick Douglass.

I am a former slave who--"

And he's like, "Shh. I get it.

"I know. I know who you are.

"It's been explained to me,

"I've been following your career forever.

"Be quiet, I'm into it.

And let's talk."

I will do more about him, but I will lay down.

My legs are showing. MAN: Uh--

I wanted to lose weight before this.

Wait, don't show, it's too white. I wanna lay down

and have a drink. MAN: Do you want a blanket?

No, you know what I'm gonna do?

Frederick Douglass, he's like,

"Guess what Abraham Lincoln,

"I have to tell you three things.

"Blacks should fight in the war.

"Two.

"Black soldiers who do fight in the war,

"should get equal pay as whites.

"Three.

If they're prisoners of war, don't fucking kill them."

And Lincoln's like, "Yeah, I think we can do this.

"But I just wanna let you know

that I'm just into preserving the Union."

But the thing about-- About--

About--

About Richard Dreyfuss--

What is his name?

MAN: Frederick. Frederick Douglass,

I knew it was something similar.

The thing about Frederick Douglass,

they were good friends.

And he-- And Frederick Douglass remained an advisor

to President Clinton for years.

And word gets back to him, like...

"Abraham Lincoln is dead."

[*]

Why do I feel like my--

I didn't take my pants off or anything, did I?

No.

'Cause I feel like I don't have pants on.

Oh! 'Cause I'm in a dress.

But there was a moment when I took my pants off.

Okay, good.

A couple years later, they're in Washington D.C.,

and they're like, "All right.

It's the Lincoln Emancipation Memorial."

And then someone says: "Hey, Frederick Douglass

is in the audience, he should speak."

He's an orator, I mean this is his livelihood.

And he gets up, so he did that for awhile,

and he did a good job.

Then I-- Would go on and do a good job--

[MAN LAUGHING]

Wait, and that is different than that.

He says, "I gotta be honest with you guys,

Abraham Lincoln is a white man's president."

Mary Todd Lincoln, Abraham's wife, is there.

And she was there when he got

his head blown off in the theater.

So she's a badass.

But it doesn't mean she's immune to feelings.

She's there.

So he says,

"We had different views on slavery.

"We had different views on the emancipation proclamation.

"We had different views on the war.

"But he's a great guy

"and I respect him because he listened.

"Even if he knew he couldn't fulfill my wishes,

"he brought me in and he fuckin' listened.

Nobody does that."

Mary Todd Lincoln comes up to him and goes,

"He would have fuckin' loved that.

That is exactly his style."

And she goes, "Douglass, come here.

I have something for you."

Oh, now my head is shutting asleep.

Mary Todd said: "I want you to have

"Abe's walking stick.

His favorite walking stick."

That was, like, "Thank you much

"for the walking stick.

"And I'm gonna do my best to preserve the honor of it.

"And I just take it more of a symbol,

as a friendship between you, me, and your husband."

[*]

And then, he died a few months later.

Doing what he loves, sticking up for ladies.

And you can't fault him for that.

Did I need to do a more story about them?

[*]

I have a mental illness.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

But I don't-- He's the father of the civil rights.

I can't believe Derek, man,

we should be at the Ravens game right now.

This is so pathetic, Samantha's got him so whipped.

Whipped!

Whipped!

[IMITATES WHIP]

Samantha was the love of my life.

She left us way too soon.

MAN 1: Whipped! MAN 2: Whipped!

We designed this saw to be the safest table saw ever built.

The mechanism is sophisticated but the technology behind it,

it's quite simple.

[BUZZING]

It's the perfect marriage

of modern engineering and good ol' fashioned ingenuity,

which is always reliable.

The blade carries a small electrical charge.

When human contact is made, the body absorbs the current

and triggers a tiny mouse

living inside the saw's gearbox.

A robotic arm pushes a piece of cheese

in front of the mouse which causes him to run on the wheel.

When the wheel spins it engages the break,

instantly stopping the saw.

So when the wheel is spinning, the safety saw is working.

Let's demonstrate how safe this is.

This is a real hot dog.

As you can see, not a mark on it.

And to prove there's no smoke and mirrors,

let's try it again with my penis.

[BUZZ]

[*]

Ahh!

Oh.

Call the medic!

Ah!

Stop the mouse, he's got my fucking dick!

He thinks it's a hot dog!

Call the fucking medic!

ANNOUNCER: SafetySaw, now $10 off!

[MAN SOBBING] Oh!

* Going on a bender, bender

[KISSING NOISILY]

Oh. Buffet was awesome tonight.

Margaritaville, baby!

Oh, Margaritaville, baby! The greatest night of my life!

Aw, yeah, my wife! My life.

CRAIG: My wife, my life.

ERIC: What's up people, come on it's 5:00 somewhere,

am I right? Polly wanna boner.

[*]

[CHIMING]

Oh, dude, bros.

[*]

ALL: Oh!

Check out the Parrot Head T-shirt rockin' to Buffet, man.

Yeah! That's awesome!

CRAIG: Yeah, baby!

Oh, hells yeah!

JAKE: Dude, you're partying! Yeah, T-shirt.

[GLASS SHATTERS] ALL: Oh!

DEREK: Just like that, baby.

Hey, I wonder if T-shirt likes to party.

MAN: Oh.

[INHALES]

T-shirt likes to fuckin' party!

He says this place is like a sausage factory.

There's plenty of hot chicks at the bar.

You got it, four titty dick bangers.

Yeah, this-- This dude's getting wasted.

Man, I fucking love T-shirt! Me too.

[*]

You're cute.

Oh, oh, really?

[LAUGHING]

JAKE: T-shirt's got a girlfriend!

Nice! I like!

Wa-wa-wee-wa.

[LAUGHING] You guys,

I'm gonna put on Buffet. Oh, my dream girl.

Oh, yeah.

MAN: Sweet.

T-shirt, let's have some shots of Urine Ice.

MAN: Ba-boom!

Dude, let's get those dreadlock hats tomorrow.

Yeah, I cant get enough of it.

MAN: Oh, baby, you're makin' me crazy!

Okay, you guys?

Seriously?

To Parrot Heads.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

* And coconuts

* You bring the tequila

Raise the roof, motherfuckers.

MAN 1: Another margarita, baby, shwing.

MAN 2: Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, T-shirt.

Where are we going?

Where are we going, whoa!

Whoa. T-shirt,

T-shirt. I feel funny.

Oh, T-shirt. You're gonna be such a good daddy.

Hello?

Uh.

Oh, my God, what the fuck?

[COUGHS]

Wait. What's that, T-shirt?

Your girlfriend's passed out from the smoke?

Good work, T-shirt. Let's get her out of here. Come on!

[*]

T-shirt, because you risked your life to save another,

we're making you an honorary member

of the Margaritaville Fire Dept.

You're the real hero.

ALL: T-shirt! T-shirt!

* Looks like the night Is gonna be one of those days *

DEREK: Tomorrow, Cabo Wabo.

I'm bored.

Me too. I'm sick of all my toys.

ANNOUNCER: Why don't you trying playing

with Mattel's Prius racing set!?

Awesome! Cool!

ANNOUNCER: With over 16 feet of track

and two responsible hybrids! Go!

Who needs the deafening roar

of a nitro burning racing engine

when you can have the polite hum

of a regenerative electric drive-train?

* Zero emissions

I'm getting 62 miles per gallon! Awesome!

* It's a positive investment In a greener tomorrow *

ANNOUNCER: Between each lap remember to pull over and recharge your car

so you can finish the race.

The track is completely biodegradable!

Awesome!

* Reducing our reliance On foreign oil *

No carbon footprint!

I'm having fun, and I feel good about myself.

Whoo! ANNOUNCER: Fully charged

You're back in the race. Before you take on the loop,

you need to recharge one more time.

* You're playin' green For your children's future *

* Hybrid power

[*]

[*]

[*]

[*]

KID [YELLING]:

America, I'm hungry.

Sorry to hear it.

Can we have some food?

Not for free you can't. You have any, uh,

natural resources we might be interested in?

What's a natural resource? Like trees and grass?

No, like, uh, gold, diamonds, oil.

Oh, yeah. Tons of it.

IMF, get over here!

What can I do you you?

Africa, this is the International Monetary Fund.

They're gonna give you tons of food and money.

Hi.

You guys are so nice.

When do you want us to pay you back?

Honestly, your interest is gonna be more than your GDP.

So you're never really going to be able to pay it back.

America, thank you for this food.

Tell you what.

If you have any companies that want our resources,

we'd love to have them.

AMERICA: Sweet.

Exxon, DeBeers and Newmont

are already on their way.

I love this candy.

[LOUD THUD]

[*]

[BELL DINGS]

[GUNS COCK]

[TAPE REWINDING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[*]

[WATER FLOWING]

[*]

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

MAN [OVER THE PHONE]: Pick up the goddamn phone!

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!

Pick up! Come on, man, pick up, pick up!

Pick up! Pick up!

Pick up, pick up!

Pick up!

Hey! What's going on? I just, uh, I just walked in.

Ah, bullshit!

You're probably takin' one of your fag baths.

No. I was out.

Whatever, dude, you're pathetic man.

It's, like, 9:30.

Fuck you, Eddie!

Ha, ha, ha. Man, I am fucking drunk!

You gotta come pick my ass up.

Why can't you just call a cab? Fuck that, dude, come on!

Besides, you don't have a choice in the matter, all right?

You gotta pick me up, man, if I call you it's like the law.

You gotta be my designated driver.

Give me a couple minutes, I have to get clothes--

Oh! Shit! I knew it. You bath-taking motherfucker!

How clean can one man be?

Jesus Christ, you probably got a bar of soap

wedged up your fuckin' asshole right now anyway.

All right.

Take your ball sack and get down here,

and pick me up at Tap Master!

Okay, good talkin' to you. I'll--

Tap Masters! [PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, Shit! Whoa.

Okay, I guess we're takin' it up a notch, huh?

[*]

Hey, Matilda.

Are you thirsty?

I know, a little late night drink.

Be good, okay?

[BEEPS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

RADIO HOST: I welcome the debate, on single-payer health care.

Because privatized health care is killing people.

Your files are being opened. Tell me about it.

They sure as hell gonna find some obscure event that--

[THUD]

[GLASS CRASHES] Shit!

Hey! I stole 'em!

I fuckin' stole 'em, man!

Oh. Hey, what's going on--?

Go! Go, motherfucker, go!

All right.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

Go! Shit, go, go, motherfucker, go.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[LAUGHING, SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, all right. Okay. Yeah!

Whoo! Okay, all right.

Whoa, shit, I almost died in there, dude!

That was crazy. Whoo!

Hey, what the fuck are we listening to?

Oh, uh, her name is Leslie Stubbs.

And she takes calls. It's like a liberal kind of a talk show.

Oh, God.

[BEEPS] I guess, yeah, it was get--

There we go, now listen to that! That's a party song!

Yeah. All right. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Right there, yeah.

Somebody's getting laid tonight!

Classic rock, right? Oh, oh!

I almost threw up.

I just-- I don't normally have people smoke in my car.

You know what we ought to do?

Let's go get some groceries, and we'll cook up some food,

and we'll get some girls to come over. We'll make 'em burritos.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

My dick's hard when I sleep. I sleep with a boner.

And I'm ready to go. Someone could jump on me,

fuck me, probably not even wake me up.

Oh! Fuck, donuts, right there.

Donuts, Barry, Barry, pull over. Uh--

Pull over, I want donuts. Not gonna stop for donuts.

Jesus Christ, Barry!

I'm weak with hunger, you son of a bitch!

Goddamn it, just pull around,

do me a favor one time in your life! One time.

Do me a favor and shoot a hot fucking U-ie.

Are you sure you don't want anything?

Yeah, just-- Just hurry up.

Well, can you loan me five bucks, man?

I need some money.

[BELL DINGS] Well, well, well.

Mm, what kind of donuts do we have

in this fine establishment this evening?

Huh?

[LAUGHING]

How about a jelly fill, right there?

And give me another jelly fill.

And...fuck it.

Throw a bear claw in there too.

Can I just get a refill.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone.

I'm sorry? You heard me, Mountain.

There's a fucking line here.

BIKER: Calm down.

Just want a refill. I don't want any trouble.

Whoa, hey, I'm calm. You're the maniac

who's comin' at me all sideways bein', like,

I'm gonna kill you motherfucker.

Look, I just got out of the joint.

I'm trying to turn my life around.

The Lord has shown me another way.

I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't curse.

And I don't want any trouble.

Well, that's too bad, Green Mile,

'cause those are four of my favorite things.

Oh, shit, look at that.

Oh!

No, no, no. Oh, yeah!

Pow!

Good night.

Good night, sweet prince!

Ha, ha, ha. Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

Give me this.

Ooh, donut mind if I do.

Ha, ha, ha. Laugh, it's funny!

Hey, big man?

Donut mind if I do!

[LAUGHING]

Oh-- What did you just do?

You just killed a guy!

Oh, he'll live.

Him and his anti-Semitic mouth.

Guy was talking about the Lord, you know?

And I know you're a Jew--

I'm not Jewish.

Shit, dude, he's getting up.

He's gonna kick your ass. What? No way!

I'm serious, he's gonna kick your ass.

Go, go. Man, go, go!

Jesus, man, go, go!

Drive, motherfucker. Don't yell at me.

When I was in there, I smacked the dispenser

on his head and I was like, "Donut mind if I do."

Donut mind if I do!

Oh, God! Ahh!

Oh, chill out. Chill out.

He just shot my donut. Fuck!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[*]

[*]

[*]

[*] You will give us the formula.

Never. Space Baby will save me.

Oh, I'm afraid not, professor.

There is no way Space Baby will get in here.

* Space Baby

MAN: All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth.

And she travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man,

who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.

And as she travels from planet to planet,

she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed.

* So--

* If you're in the black hole

* There's only one name You need to know *

* Space Baby

Space Baby,

the Jupiterians just kidnapped

America's best space scientist.

[BABBLING]

They'll be expecting you, so you must be extra careful.

We've tapped into their security cameras.

[BEEPS]

There's a guard in the other room.

You must get past him.

MAN: Uh, oh, uh, oh.

Eh, ow.

[GIGGLES]

Space Baby! How did you get in here?

PROFESSOR: Space Baby!

The gun!

Space Baby. A little help.

Yay!

Boo.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you Space Baby, you saved me.

How do we get out of here?

[BABBLE] That way?

Fine, go ahead, I'll follow you. [GIGGLES]

Good work, Space Baby.

You saved the professor.

Now drop him off at the Space Station.

I appreciate you saving me and all,

but this is blastedly uncomfortable.

ANNOUNCER: This has been another episode of Space Baby.

[*]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you for tuning in tonight.

I'm Ed Haligan.

And I will see you on the internet.

Whatever the fuck that is.

[ELECTRONIC BUZZING]

*]

[*]