Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

Okay ladies and gentlemen,

we have arrived safe and sound.

No need to thank me folks.

Just remember me in your wills.

Jay Butler, J as in the bird, Butler as in Jeeves.

You are such a card, Jay.

Jeeves, are you familiar with PG Wodehouse?

Great writer, very funny.

Well, you know me, I like funny.

Watch your step. Love that shirt!

Me too.

Go get an enema.

Hey, hey, don't go away mad.

See you tomorrow!

It isn't that we don't love your father.

It's just that he's become a...

Pain in the ass.

Charles.

Shut up, Catherine, you know it's true.

I wouldn't put it that way.

You're kicking him out, aren't you?

We just feel Mr. Byrd would be much happier

in the country.

Golden Oaks has an excellent reputation.

He's not going to like it, not one bit.

Well, luckily he doesn't have a choice in the matter.

So where do we sign?

Jay-B.

[speaks in French]

Hey man, do you even know what you're saying?

[speaks in French]

I don't know!

Ooh, hang on, hang on.

Ah it's the ex, I've got to take this.

[Bon chance]

Hey Susan, what's up?

Did you forget something?

It's my birthday?

It's your birthday?

No, wait, wait, it's our anniversary.

Ah, we don't do that anymore, do we?

Chloe had her recital this morning.

She was disappointed you weren't there.

This morning?

No, no, no, no, no, hang on, hang on, no, no, no no.

I have it down as...

...this morning.

So typical, Jay.

Look, I'll give her a call, all right, I'll give--

Hang on, hang on, I got another call coming in.

Okay, it's probably her.

Hang on, I'll be right back.

Hey!

Yes.

No, say that again?

No, no, okay.

Yeah I understand.

Thank you.

Susan.

My father just died.

[instrumental music]

I'm so sorry, Jay.

Thanks, that's okay.

We weren't that close.

Yeah that's an understatement.

Manny, show some respect.

Excuse me, Jay if you have a moment,

can I have a word with you?

Excuse me.

Who's that?

The old man's attorney.

This should be interesting.

So, Jay, how are you doing with all this?

Not so bad I guess.

You do know your father had a considerable estate.

Oh yeah, he made that very well known.

Indeed he did.

Look, I don't want you to be blindsided by this later,

but...

...he left everything to charity.

No, no, no, no, there was something there for my kids.

He changed his mind and at the last minute.

Charity, which one?

Various ones, the church, the Cancer Society,

the Elks Club.

The Elks Club?

He left money to the frickin' Elks Club

and nothing for me, nothing for my family?

[Attorney] I'm afraid not.

Not one red cent?

I tried to dissuade him, Jay, but you know how he was.

Oh yeah yeah, I wanted to be an actor

instead of work for him so he had nothing to do with me.

Jay, there were other reasons.

Like what?

I don't think we should get into that now.

I just wanted you to know.

Thanks.

You've gotta be kidding me.

You're always kidding.

You're kidding me right now.

I wish I was.

Jesus, he never told you?

Susan, we didn't talk.

Well, can't you fight it?

I don't think I'm up for that.

His people are all sharks.

Oh, well that's just wonderful.

We were counting on something.

You know, Danny got into Stanford.

He did?

Well that's great.

No it isn't, we don't have a dime to pay for it.

You said your father was setting up a trust,

now what are you going to do?

I'll figure something out.

Oh, like what, being an actor,

or running a failed restaurant,

or what about your memorable stint as a life coach?

What a joke.

We are so sorry.

Anything we can do to help, please let us know.

Thank you very much.

Tonight you're what, a van driver?

I told you that's just temporary

until I get my feet on the ground.

Oh, your feet on the ground, that'll be a first.

You've had enough.

I'm just getting started.

Oh God.

You know dad, I really think you're gonna love this place.

They got everything you want.

They got a pool, golf course, entertainment, classes.

If it's so great, you go there.

You know I just might,

but the old lady might get a little jealous.

Apparently there's a lot of single women up there

and I hear they get pretty wild.

Come on Dad, don't make this any harder than it needs to be.

Look, I arranged for a driver to take you up there

tomorrow after breakfast, okay?

Fine, be that way.

Chucky.

That's Charles, Dad.

Chucky, I put you and the girls in charge of my affairs

because I didn't want you to be waiting around

for me to die.

I want you to know that we really appreciate that, Dad.

But this conservatorship thing,

I don't like it, not one bit.

You've taken off my balls, Chucky.

I understand how you must feel, but at your age--

Bullshit, my age.

I remember when I was changing your diapers.

Well soon you might need somebody

to help you change yours.

I don't wear diapers, Chucky,

and I'll be damned if I ever will.

All right.

Okay look, calm down.

I just, I got to go, okay.

But you are going to thank me for this, I guarantee it.

[soft music]

Geez, Pop.

We never got to say goodbye.

Hell, we never even got to know each other.

We thought that there'd be plenty of time,

that we'd...

...we'd work things out, someday.

Someday.

Someday will never come.

So all Mr Byrd's personals have been loaded in the van.

Great, how far is this place?

Just a two day drive.

Mr. Byrd won't fly, this seemed the best alternative.

So here's your per diem and the contact list

in case of emergency.

You okay?

Yeah yeah, actually I could use a couple of days away.

Right right, I'm sorry about your father, Jay.

Thank you.

You sure you're up for this?

Mr. Byrd's an important patient,

we can't afford any mishaps.

You can count on me, sir.

All right, shall we get Mr. Byrd?

Lead the way.

All right.

Hey, how you doing this morning?

Good to see you Nicola, yeah.

Alright, so Mr. Byrd's room is right over here.

Let's get him out of there.

[suspenseful music]

Oh oh, where is he?

Does he do this often?

No, he never wanders off.

Sir, this way.

Francois, have you seen Harry?

No.

Let's go this way, come on, excuse me ma'am.

Hurry up!

[upbeat music]

Where is that pain in the ass?

Looking for someone?

Well, come on, let's get this show on the road.

I don't have all day.

Have fun.

[upbeat music]

Wow.

Beautiful day for a drive, eh, Mr. Byrd?

You, uh, you comfortable back there?

Good, good.

Ah, nothing like the open road.

Just look at it.

You know, I just love road trips.

We went everywhere.

Cross country, Canada, Mexico.

I remember one year we went to Florida, there and back.

Oh my God, what a trip that was.

It's a great big world out there.

You don't say.

I do!

Hey Harry, can I call you Harry?

You can call me mud for all I care.

That's a good one.

Harry look, now we're going to be cooped up

in this van for a couple of days.

Now it can be boring or it can be fun.

I personally choose fun, what do you say?

Okay.

I may not look it, but I can remember a time

before everything was shopping malls and franchises

and that the world had character, personality back then.

You always talk this much?

Only when there's no one else to talk to.

You can always count on yourself, right?

Yeah, you sure can.

Hey, how about some music?

We got satellite radio, what do you like?

Heavy metal, rap, punk rock.

Oldies.

Oldies, of course, I should've known

you're an oldies kind of guy.

No problem, hold on.

It's just Casey Kasem with America's Top 40.

This is a one hit wonder, but became more after that.

It's not that we don't trust our dad,

right, it's just that lately

he's been a little unpredictable, even--

Crazy is more like it.

[laughs]

I completely understand.

That's why it's a good thing you've got him

to sign the voluntary conservatorship.

You have the papers?

Catherine, do you--

There were so many.

Do you mean this?

Ah, that's it.

It's not signed.

What?

Dad told me he signed everything.

You might've checked them--

Okay, it's fine.

I'll tell you what, we'll just get him to sign it.

I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Unless these particular documents are signed

within the next three days, they're invalid.

We'd have to start over and the court would frown on that.

If there's any indication of resistance in the process--

Good Christ, Charles, I thought you said this would work!

Would you calm down, just stop it, calm down!

It's gonna be fine, all right?

We'll just FedEx the papers up to Golden Oaks.

Or better yet, I will fly myself up there.

Right, and I'll be there when he arrives tomorrow evening.

Is that good, we're all okay with this?

Yes.

Good, thank you.

Filet of sole and a side of slaw.

That's me.

Alrighty and here's your bacon cheeseburger with fries.

Wow, that is big.

Thanks, what's your name?

Lisa.

Lisa, Harry, Jay.

Nice to meet you, enjoy your meal.

Thank you.

You want a bite?

No thanks.

I don't usually eat like this.

Uh-huh.

With my metabolism, all I have to do is skip a meal,

I slim right down.

I guess it's been a while since you've missed a meal.

[laughs]

You're a card, Harry.

Ace of spades.

Guess that makes you the joker.

The joker, very good.

You're killing me here, pal.

You don't have to kiss my ass.

Everyone else does because they want something

and think maybe I can give it to them.

I know what you mean.

Do you now?

[train dinging]

Train Town.

Oh yeah, you know I used to take my kids there

all the time.

So did I.

Really, it's been around that long?

Yeah, since before the wheel was invented.

Hey hey, no offense.

None taken.

I'm as old as the hills and glad of it.

I wouldn't want to be 20 again if you'd paid me.

Hey, we got time to take a ride?

On the train for old time's sake?

Sure, why not.

[train dinging]

Whoa, this is exciting.

How are you doing there, Harry?

I think my pacemaker short-circuited.

What, Harry, Harry you all right, Harry!

[chuckles]

Just kidding, kid.

[laughs]

You really got me that time you rascal.

We sure had some good times here.

You know, this place hasn't changed a bit.

How many kids you got?

Two, a boy and a girl, the loves of my life.

Danny, he's 17, about ready to start college.

Chloe, 15, my princess.

She's an equestrian.

She likes girls?

What, no!

An equestrian, she likes to ride horses.

I know, I know.

Can't you tell when a guy is kidding for Christ's sake?

How about you, you got kids?

I got three.

I tried my best to bring them up right.

I'm sure you did.

I don't know.

What do you mean?

My father was a son of a bitch.

I swore when I had kids I was going to be just the opposite,

but my kids, they don't seem to like me.

I think they're afraid of me.

It's not easy being a parent.

It's not easy being a kid either.

[upbeat music]

Okay well, it's not the Ritz,

but a great location.

The river is right outside our door.

We can fall asleep listening to it.

How romantic.

Okay Harry, that's your bed, this is mine, okay?

Aces.

Oolampala.

What's that?

Ever been to Olompali?

Olompali, can't say that I have.

It's on the coast, not far from where we're going.

Harriet and I used to go there before kids.

Harriet, that was your wife, right?

Right again, Sherlock.

Saw some of the best sunsets of my life there.

Sounds great.

I'll have to check it out some time.

Jay.

I'd really like to go there just one more time.

I'm sure you will.

No, I mean you and me on this trip.

Harry, look, I've got to get you to Golden Oaks

by end of day tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll have a chance to go there

sometime down the road.

Don't think so.

[Jay] Why not, what do you mean?

Got a bad ticker, just a matter of time,

can't go there myself.

Nobody else is going to take me.

What about your kids?

I've asked, they're too busy.

Always some excuse.

Never mind.

[grunts]

Harry listen, how about we get you to Golden Oaks

and I personally insist that someone take you to this

Olompali place, okay?

Sure, kid.

[alarm beeping]

Harry, come on Harry, get up.

Gotta make tracks, let's go.

Harry, Harry, Harry?

Harry?

Harry!

[upbeat music] [hollering]

Excuse me, folks. Sorry! Sorry!

Harry! Harry! Harry!

Harry! Harry! Harry!

Harry, Harry, there you are!

What are you doing?

Washing my shorts.

Your shorts?

Yeah, you know what they say.

No, what do they say?

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Okay come on, you can be holy back at the room.

We gotta make tracks.

You had to do that, huh?

You gave me a scare there, Harry.

I thought for a moment you tried to ditch me.

You gotta stop walking off like that, okay?

Everything okay in there, Harry?

[Harry] Never better.

Oh that Metamucil is really working, huh?

Okay, wallet and phone and away we go.

Hey Harry, you've seen my wallet?

Hang on, I'm almost done.

It stinks like hell in here though.

Oh, no sharing please.

No, no, my wallet and phone, they're missing.

They were right here when I went looking for you,

right there!

You left the door open.

Maybe someone lifted them.

Oh, crap!

That's just great.

Not in the van either.

Manager says they've had a problem with thefts lately.

Called the police?

Yeah yeah, manager's giving them the report right now.

Well, I guess we're stuck, huh?

What?

Nothing.

Listen, I'm getting you to Golden Oaks today.

Come hell or high water, shorts or no shorts,

but I need money for gas and food.

So do you have any?

I'm afraid not.

[soft music]

Since they'd already swiped my card,

they just charged it and gave me cash back.

Pretty good thinking, huh Har?

Genius.

Hey look, this place we're going,

I checked out the brochure.

It looks pretty nice to me.

Nah.

What, what do you got against it?

Nothing, it wasn't my choice, that's all.

Would you like people making decisions for you?

Ever been married?

I'm just kidding.

I understand.

It's ironic.

What?

The older you get, the more you know,

the less people think of you.

Well Harry, then I must know a hell of a lot

and be pretty old.

[Harry] What do you mean?

It's a long story.

We've got time.

I don't know, Harry.

It just seems my whole life I've been swimming upstream,

people always telling me I don't know what I'm doing.

I live in a fantasy world.

I'm not being sensible.

If I'd listened to crap like that,

I'd never been more than a shoe clerk.

What'd you do?

A lot of things, mostly real estate.

How'd you get into that?

Back in the old days

I saw a lot of people coming out here.

I knew they'd need a place to live.

That simple?

Yes and no.

I had to borrow the down payment

for my first duplex from my mother.

I thought it was all the money in the world

and didn't know how I'd ever pay it back.

You stuck your neck out.

Damn right, many times.

Eventually I got used to it.

Can't make a gain unless you take a risk.

That's what they say.

Didn't always end up on top, mind you,

but won more than I lost.

Good for you, Harry.

Yeah well, you start with nothing and end up with nothing.

Might as well enjoy the ride.

Have you?

Sure, I like taking care of property and the tenants.

Most of them are okay.

How about you, what's your line?

[Jay] My line?

Always been a van driver?

Oh God no.

I used to be an actor, believe it or not.

[Harry] Bet you're a good one.

Well, you know Harry, that's not for me to say.

Still do it?

No, no.

Why not?

You can't make money acting.

Some people do.

I wasn't one of them.

Maybe you should give it another shot.

What?

Acting.

[laughs]

I'm not laughing at you,

but that's maybe in another lifetime.

[upbeat music]

Harry, I have got to go to the restroom.

How about you, you got to go?

No, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm like a camel.

Don't drink much, don't piss much either.

Okay, all right.

I'll be right back.

Hey sugar, you wouldn't happen

to have a cigarette, would you?

I'm afraid not, I don't smoke.

Well, good for you, I wish I could stop.

He's kind of cute.

You think?

I think.

I like the hair on his chest.

Thank you.

[laughs]

You're so naughty.

That I am.

[upbeat music]

No, no, no, no, no!

Harry, no, no, no, Harry stop!

[upbeat music]

Somebody help, I need help please!

What's the matter sugar?

Harry, this older gentlemen I'm driving took off

in the van and I've got to get to him.

He could hurt himself and if he does, my ass is grass.

Okay well calm down, just breathe.

Right over here, focus, okay listen.

We'll help you out. Thank you.

Come on girls, let's help this guy.

Thank you, thank you all, thank you.

All of you, thank you so much.

Thank you all so much.

Come on inside.

[upbeat music]

Come on!

[upbeat music]

Okay, all right, all right.

Oh crap, he's getting away!

Don't worry, honey.

Don't worry, we got you.

Don't you worry Honey, now Betsy might be noisy,

but she always gets us there.

Betsy. Whatever you say.

All right, here we go.

[upbeat music]

[honking]

Your mother wears zombie boots!

So what do you girls do?

[chuckles]

You ever hear of Pussy Gato and the Kittenettes?

[Jay] No I can't say that I have.

Feast your eyes on that.

You're strippers?

Not strippers, burlesque artists, baby.

Burlesque?

Yeah.

Oh, oh oh, burlesque.

Oh that's great, that's great.

[honking]

What's your damn hurry?

Well, which way did he go?

He got on the on ramp going North.

Okay, right.

Listen don't worry Doll Face, he won't get too far.

We got this.

I'm Red by the way.

Nice to meet you, Red.

[Red] Nice to meet you too.

How did you get a name like that?

You know I don't know.

[laughs]

And this here is Iris and this is Blossom.

Nice to meet you.

And there's Gemini.

Nice to meet all of you.

Nice to meet you too, babe.

Is he your father?

Who?

The old man.

Oh no, no no, just someone I'm transporting

to another home.

It seems like he's not too wild about going.

Well I think you might be onto something there, dear.

Okay, ladies, we've got to keep our eyes peeled

for a gray minivan.

All right.

So you are a van driver?

Yeah, I am, and I'm proud of it too.

[tires squealing]

[honking]

[soft music]

Ah, I'm in trouble.

[gears grinding]

Oh, man...

What if we don't find him?

We'll find him, we've got to find him.

Look, over there.

That's it, thank God.

Pull over, pull over.

Okay, got it, hold on, hold on sugar,

it's gonna be all right.

Thank God, thank God!

Hold on, here we go, hold on, all right.

Thank you, thank you, excuse me.

Harry, Harry, are you okay?

Harry, what are you doing?

I'm trying to find that oldies station,

no damn reception out here.

No, no, I mean driving off in the van like that.

You scared the living daylights out of me!

Sorry, kid.

Thought maybe I could make it to Olampali by myself.

I was wrong, I'm not the driver I used to be.

Okay.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah I think so, yeah.

Harry, you gotta pop on the other side.

Who's this?

Oh, Harry, meet my friends Red...

Hi baby.

Iris.

Hello!

Blossom.

Nice to meet you.

And-- Gemini.

Nice name.

Namaste.

[soft music]

Ladies, thank you so much.

You saved my ass.

Now, I hate to run, but I gotta 23-Skidoo.

[soft music]

It's my pleasure, we'll see you next time, bye.

Bye.

[soft music]

Hold on a minute.

What?

Okay, there's no problem, she's fine.

Wait.

[Jay] Now what?

Try shifting.

[suspenseful music]

[gears grinding]

Drove a stick for years, guess this is automatic.

[soft music]

Shouldn't you call AAA to get that van?

I will, I will.

I just need to get Harry to his destination.

What's your damn hurry?

Yeah Jay, what's your damn hurry?

Oh, just my job's on the line, that's all.

Well, it's not your fault the van broke down.

And now, you're looking out for the well being

of your passenger.

I like the way you think.

Okay, okay, okay, settle down Harry, come on.

So where is it you said you girls were headed?

We're going to the Twin Pine Casino.

We are the closing act.

[Jay] Of course you are.

Of course we are, babe.

You are amazing. Twin Pine, let's see.

That's in Middletown, isn't it?

[Red] Yes it is.

Well, I guess we could catch a ride with you there,

pick up our rental and still get to Golden Oaks

and, oh shoot!

I don't have my wallet or phone.

Oh, this just isn't your day, is it Doll Face?

Hey, what the, where did you find these?

Sorry kid, I took 'em. Part of my escape plan.

Harry, I should really be pissed at you right now,

But...

but I don't know, I guess I can't blame you, but that's it.

No more Houdini acts, all right?

That's it.

You've got it boss.

So. What do you gals do?

[laughing]

Drive, drive, drive.

Hey George.

Yeah, I'm here.

No, they don't get in until like five or six today,

so I'm just going to kind of chill here until they show up.

Yeah, okay, all right, bye.

Wonder if they've got a bar in here.

[upbeat music]

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Ladies.

We're going to a hot spring.

We always go to the hot springs on the way to the casino.

It's so cleansing.

Well, I wouldn't want you to miss that.

By the way, how long does this cleansing take?

Oh not long, it's so hot out.

Don't you want to cool off?

Yeah Jay, come on now, why don't you just live a little?

Yeah, live a little.

[laughing]

All right, all right, all right,

that's enough out of you Mr. Byrd.

That's enough out of you.

[upbeat music]

This must be it.

Where are the girls?

Said they were changing.

Hey, you're having an adventure after all.

Yeah, this is great.

Look, I'm sorry about taking your wallet and the van.

That's not really like me.

Oh it isn't, huh?

Then, who is it like?

No harm no foul I guess.

As long as they get you to the church on time.

What am I, a bride groom?

Well, now that you said it, yeah, I think you are.

You're starting a whole new life with some restrictions,

but you're going to love it Harry.

Don't know about that.

Here come the girls.

Hubba, hubba!

Are you sure you should be looking in that direction?

I mean, with your heart and all.

Get out of here, I can barely see them anyway.

Aren't you boys coming in?

Oh, no thanks, how about you, tiger?

The view is fine from here.

Wise choice.

These are natural springs.

Actually used to be a sacred site to the local Indians.

I mean Native Americans.

You sure you boys don't want to come on in?

Oh, I'm okay thanks.

A lot of positive energy right here.

I'm feeling my chakras, all seven of them.

How about you Harry, you feel that?

[humming]

[upbeat music]

[Cop] Dispatch, I have an abandoned van on Marsh Road.

I'm going to check it out.

Reminds me of the old days.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Me and Harriet.

Hey, I just got that - Harry and Harriet, that's cute.

That's her.

We had this routine.

We used to drive off Saturday mornings,

didn't know where we were going,

just went. We would end up at beautiful places like this.

Sounds like fun.

Best days of my life.

So what happened to you?

What do you mean?

You used to be an actor, now you're a van driver.

And you haven't mentioned your wife once, what's her name?

Susan.

Nice name.

Susan and I are divorced.

Sorry to hear that.

Yeah, but we had our good days though.

Bet you did.

We met in college.

We did Oklahoma! together, I was Curly and she was Laurey.

Nice.

It was, very nice.

We didn't have a care in the world back then, Harry.

We just lived for today.

Then what?

Oh, you know, the usual.

We got married, had kids, bought a house,

worked to make money or tried to anyway.

And then somewhere along the line,

I don't know when, we just...

...just lost the spark I guess.

Too bad.

Yeah. What was your secret, Harry?

How did you and Harriet have such a good marriage?

It was good, but don't kid yourself.

We had hard times too, plenty of them.

We just hung in there.

Maybe you should get back into acting.

I told you, Harry that's over for me.

You're a natural.

I wish you were my agent.

Better yet, a casting director.

Your only mistake was you gave up.

You think?

You may think I'm blowing smoke up your ass, but I'm not.

Life is too damn short not to do what you really want.

Let's go swimming.

Okay.

Okay.

[phone ringing]

Excuse me, I'm sorry,

but do you have any word on Harry Byrd?

Harry Byrd? Yeah.

Nothing for Harry. Are you Charles?

Yes.

Shit.

George, yeah it's Charles, what the hell is going on, man?

They've found what?

All right, and there is no sign of my dad?

What about the driver?

Okay, okay, well then what the hell

am I supposed to do here, man?

I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

All right, I'll wait for your call.

Yeah, I'll wait for you to call me back.

Okay, bye.

[upbeat music]

Hello, Golden Oaks?

Hey, good evening.

This is Jay Butler, J as in bird, Butler - never mind.

Listen, I was due in with a Mr. Harry Byrd at around fi-

Oh, you know the name?

Great, listen, no worries.

Our van broke down, but I'm about to rent a car

and so we should be there about, about two hours, okay?

Great, thank you so much.

Okay, let's go, we are set.

Do we have time to play a few slots?

Slots, absolutely not,

say goodbye to your girlfriends, Harry.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Are you guys sure you don't want to stay for our show?

Yeah, it's going to be a humdinger.

Hubba hubba.

Thanks, thanks ladies, another time and listen,

thank you all for the lift.

We really couldn't have done it without you.

I owe you big time.

Okay, Harry, let's go.

Bye girls, safe trip.

What do you mean you don't have a rental?

I'm sorry sir, we may have a return later tonight.

If not, we'll definitely have one tomorrow.

Perhaps you'd like to stay the night?

Yes, perhaps we can.

No, we can't.

What about Uber or Lyft?

You can try, but it might take them hours to get here,

if you can even get one.

Oh no, no, no, no, okay, okay.

Think, think, okay Harry, come on.

Harry?

Harry, Harry, Harry!

Come on you fecocta contraption!

I've been playing you for three goddamn hours now.

You're tighter than a nun's asshole.

Excuse me, mister.

This afternoon I saw this machine

pay out three, three jackpots, but me?

Forget about it.

Mind if I take a spin?

Sure, be my guest.

Maybe you'll bring me luck.

[dinging]

Three cherries, not bad.

It's okay.

There you are.

Harry, you have got to stop wandering off.

I can't take this anymore.

Oh my God!

If it isn't my favorite nephew-in-law Jay!

As in jay bird, and whatever.

Aunt Evelyn, what are you doing here?

I took the bus out for the day.

Play the slots, see the show.

You should see the floozies they got coming here.

We know all about it.

We? What are you doing here?

Oh, well I'm driving my friend Harry here--

Hello. L'Chaim.

To the Golden Oaks.

The Golden Oaks, you're going the wrong way.

That's not anywhere near here.

Let me tell you, you need to--

We know Aunt Evelyn.

Mind if I take another spin?

Sure, you're good luck.

No wait.

[dinging]

Jackpot, a hundred dollars!

Hey, how about that!

Do I have the touch or what?

That's really wonderful Harry, but listen--

Hey, do you mind if I play the slots

while you figure out what you gotta do?

Where do I get change?

Over there.

I don't think it--

Well okay, but I thought you said you didn't have any money.

Oh, club soda, please.

Thank you!

Hey there, Doll Face.

Hey, Red!

I thought you guys were taking off!

I'm working on it, I just need a break.

Yeah, you look like you can use one.

You're telling me.

You mind if I join you?

Hey, help yourself, be my guest.

You look nice.

Well thank you, the usual, Honey.

No offense, but why do you call everyone Sugar

or Honey or Doll Face?

Well, I'm just trying to sweeten up

a sour world there, Sugar.

Now those are my PG names.

I can give you my other ones if you want.

[chuckles] That's okay.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Thank you.

Cheers. To new adventures.

Uh, maybe.

You know Jay, can I offer you a piece of advice?

Wouldn't hurt.

Everything is gonna work out just fine.

It always does.

Maybe for you it does, but lately for me, I don't know.

Look I gotta go, thank you so much.

And oh, I forgot to pay.

This is for both and keep the change.

Oh, thank you darling, I appreciate it.

Break a leg, Shweetheart.

Oh, bless you.

Bye-bye. Bye.

There you are!

So where do we go from here, Chief?

Well, I just left a message with Golden Oaks

told them where we are, that we have no wheels,

but that you are safe and sound.

So we're staying?

Until we get a car, tonight or first thing in the morning.

Great, let's catch the girlie show!

You'd like that.

Who wouldn't, did you see that Blossom?

She's a va voom.

A va voom?

[Harry] You said it.

No you did, never mind.

You boys mind if I join you?

[Jay] Come sit, sit.

Harry, you remember my Aunt Evelyn, on my ex-wife's side.

Yeah, Susan is my niece, but I love Jay

if he were my own blood.

Did you know Jay is a very talented actor?

Was, Evelyn.

I've heard.

I know Susan got fed up with the uncertainty,

the instability, the gas, but you had other problems.

Thanks Evelyn, we don't need to hear that now.

Listen, I told Susan, I said to her, he is who he is.

That's who you married.

Would you rather be hitched to some accountant like I was?

God, rest his soul.

Murray, you were a good man, but not the most exciting.

You want fish?

Thanks, I ordered a sandwich.

Yes, this is a restaurant, Evelyn.

Yeah, did you see what they're charging for a coke? Gonnifs.

Want to play some more slots?

Are you kidding?

You've got the Midas touch.

Don't you have a bus to catch Evelyn?

I got a couple hours left.

Would you excuse me.

I'm going to see if they have any mustard.

Nice lady.

She is a character.

So, have you thought about it?

[Jay] What?

Taking me to Olompali. I'd make it worth your while.

Harry, what are you talking about?

You know I can't do that.

You don't get it, you're my only hope.

Would you deny a dying man his last wish?

Whoa, whoa whoa, don't guilt trip me, Harry.

You are not dying.

We're all dying,

never know what day will be your last.

Listen, I used to live for today and look where it got me.

Looks pretty good to me.

I'm divorced, failed at three careers

and don't have a pot to piss in.

Looking at it that way, it seems like a rotten deal.

But?

It's always something or never anything, you choose.

I don't follow.

You can always look for what's missing

or appreciate what you got.

From where I see it, you got it pretty good.

You're still young relatively,

you have your health and something you love.

What?

[Harry] You know what.

You mean acting. That didn't work out.

Yet. You can't change your past, forget it.

But nobody knows what the future holds.

Got mustard, relish and look at this pickle, huh!

Hi, any word yet?

Yes, your father is at the Twin Pine Casino.

The Twin Pine Casino.

This is completely unacceptable.

How do I get to the Twin Pine Casino?

I should have known better than to book a burlesque act.

If they don't show up, you don't get paid.

Please Mr. Wu, just let us do our act.

You know I'm good for it.

Excuse me, is there something wrong?

Who are you?

I'm a friend of Red's, Red, what's going on?

Well, our comedy act, Fritz and Hans,

they were supposed to meet us here,

but they're drunk in Bakersfield.

Surely something can be done.

No comedy act, no gig.

You figure it out and don't call me Shirley, I am Jimmy Wu.

Nice guy.

Well, I mean he isn't so bad.

We did promise him a comedy act,

but what are you going to do?

That's a tough break, Red.

It is.

You know what, didn't you say something

about you were in entertainment?

Me, I was an actor.

Oh, well can't you just act like you're a comedian?

In theory.

Oh, but we need a duo.

Hey hey, wait--

What about the old man?

Harry, what about him?

Yeah, you two can act like you're comedians. Perfect.

No, no, no, we're not a duo, we're not a comedy team.

There's no script, why am I even talking about this?

Don't worry, just breathe.

All you have to do is just get on stage

tell a few jokes.

Bada bing, bada boom, 200 big ones.

Red, it's very enticing.

Really, and I'm flattered, but I'm sorry.

It is absolutely out of the question.

I'm sorry, dear.

Jay...

All right Harry, this is a big one.

Sure is.

Feeling lucky?

You know it.

Wait!

Okay, I swear Murry, I swear I'm giving half

of this to the Yeshiva and you can tell me

to [speaks in foreign language].

Okay, amen.

Okay.

[dinging]

It's my fault, I jinxed it, I know it.

That's okay, we'll get it next time.

Oh, Mr. Butler, good news.

What?

A car just came in, they're cleaning it right now.

Should be ready for you shortly.

Oh great, thank you so much!

Of course.

Dang it!

Did you see that, so close!

Two jackpots, and then pfft...

A lemon!

Hey, come on Harry, get your things, we've got a car.

What about the girlie show?

Don't worry, it's not going to happen, it's off.

Off, why?

The comedy duo, they flaked out.

What?

And get this, they asked me to fill in.

What did you say?

No, of course not.

[Harry] Why the hell not?

Oh, I don't know, about a million reasons.

I didn't train at Juilliard to be a burlesque warm-up act.

A lot of great comics worked in burlesque.

Phil Silvers.

Sid Caesar.

Danny Kaye.

I don't care if Tom Cruise worked burlesque,

I'm an actor, not a clown.

Let's go.

Now what?

Don't you see, this is your chance.

For what?

To get back in the game!

You were always so funny, Jay.

[Harry] What do you got to lose?

How about my dignity, my self-respect?

Never mind, I lost those a long time ago, let's go.

I'm disappointed in you Jay.

Harry, for God's sake!

Let him go.

I can't Evelyn, I'm responsible for him.

Just for a minute.

You know, he really wanted to see that show?

Me not so much, not my thing,

a bunch of women flashing their boobies,

but Harry was looking forward to it.

Evelyn, Evelyn, to see the show,

we have to be in the show.

So what, would it hurt for you to go up there

and fool around for a couple of minutes?

This isn't Carnegie Hall.

I don't know.

Listen, my biggest fear has always been doing standup.

What if I go up there and I bomb it?

I remember your kid's birthday parties,

you used to sing, dance and tell jokes.

You were good, Jay.

Evelyn, I love you, but this is crazy.

I got to get Harry.

[chuckling] [chattering]

Here he is now, hail the conquering hero!

Jay, this means so much to us.

What?

Well Harry here says that you're going to fill in

for Fritz and Hanz for us.

What?

I have your costumes right here.

This is such a good karma for you.

Boys, you both earned yourself as super deluxe lap dance.

No, no, no lap dances, that won't be necessary.

Why not?

It won't be necessary because...

Because...

Oh, what the hell!

[cheering]

Now you're talking, baby.

Okay, so you guys can change in our RV

because we have a green room here ready for us.

Why can't we be in the green room with you?

Don't worry, you'll get to see our boobs

soon enough, grandpa.

Just a second, aren't you going to tell us

what we're supposed to do?

Oh well, no, you guys just make it up, I trust you.

Let the divine guide you.

Make some, divine, great.

This'll help.

Oh, no thanks, where did you get that?

You sure you should be drinking?

They've been telling me not to drink, smoke,

to gamble, eat red meat or fool around with women for years.

You know what I say?

No and I'm afraid to ask.

Screw that noise, I got nothing left to lose.

I see your point.

Seriously, Harry, what are we going to do?

I can sing a little.

Really?

Yeah, I used to be in a musical revue

that one of my tenants put on.

No kidding!

Okay, okay, that's great, that's a start.

What about you, what are you going to do?

Well, I can sing and dance a little

and I did try stand up once a very long time ago.

Like Red Skelton, he was terrific.

Yeah he was, but nothing like him.

Here, Iris gave them to me to give to you.

Maybe it'll help.

What am I doing?

I suck.

What's the matter, you afraid?

Well duh, yeah.

What if we go out there Harry and nobody laughs?

What if they boo us off the stage?

Relax, you'll do fine.

Harry, this is not what I imagined for myself at this age.

What did you imagine?

That I'd have things under control.

You know, be successful, confident, carefree.

That's what happens when you get older, right?

Pah!

Pah?

You always feel like a scared kid, that never goes away.

It's what you do with it that matters.

I'm sorry, I didn't sign up for this.

It's called life and this is it, love it or leave it.

All right, we're going to do this.

Okay, so here's what happens.

You're going to go out there and you'll sing

your little song, whatever that is, I'll leave it up to you.

Make it clean then I'll come out and I'll--

George, yeah, it's me, I'm almost there.

Look, I still have time to get these papers signed, right?

Okay, good, good.

I cannot- I cannot believe he took him to a casino.

When this whole thing is over, I want to sue his ass!

You understand me?

Good, all right.

Yes, bye.

[screeching]

Oh God.

How do I look?

Honestly, ridiculous.

I hope nobody I know is here.

Listen, as soon as the show is over,

we're getting in the car and going straight to Golden Oaks.

That's the deal, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

Hello, hello, the flittchen

are waiting for you inside.

The show is going to start, come on!

Aunt Evelyn, I thought you had a bus to catch.

And miss you doing your show, no way.

I booked a room.

Hey, you look like Abbott and Costello.

Who's on first?

What's on second?

Oh, what's his name is on third, is that right?

I don't know.

I dunno either.

No, I don't know is on third.

What?

He's on second.

Never mind, let's go.

Wait, you got schmutz on your blouse.

So you're going to go out and you're going to sing a song

and after you sing the song, I'm gonna come out and--

[soft music]

Hubba hubba.

Was there a clearance sale on feathers?

You girls look absolutely fabulous, whoa!

Thank you, sweetheart.

Okay so listen, so the manager will come on

and he'll introduce us first and we'll do our first routine,

okay, then after that he comes back

and he'll introduce you for the comedy interlude.

Are you ready?

Hell no.

Don't listen to him, we'll knock 'em dead.

I trust you.

Thanks, Red. Thanks, baby.

[tires screeching]

Thank you!

Thank you very much.

[like Elvis] Thank you very much.

Welcome to the Twin Pine big stage!

I am your host, Jimmy Wu.

Now we have a surprise for you, a neo-burlesque revue.

What does that mean?

Please welcome Pussy Gato and the Kittenettes!

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

Thank you, Pussy, thank you. That was unique to say the least.

Now while the Kittenettes get ready for their next number,

I want to introduce the world famous

comedy team of Hands and Feet!

Let's give them a warm welcome!

[upbeat music]

Thank you, thank you, Mr. Wu, thank you.

Wow hi, good evening, good evening ladies and gentleman

it's so nice to be back here

at the Twin Pine Hotel and Casino, right Hanz?

You betcha!

All right, all right, you know Hanz,

he's going to start us off tonight

with a little song, aren't you Hanzey?

What's it going to be?

Hell if I know, whoa!

He's such a joker, isn't he?

Well Hanzey, why don't you surprise us?

All right, here's something we used to sing

when I was a kid.

[Jay] A kid?

♪ Swanee, how I love, how I love you, ♪ my dear old Swanee ♪

♪ I'd give the world to be among the folks at D-I-X-I-E ♪

♪Even though my mammy is waiting for me ♪

♪ Praying for me down by the old Swanee ♪

[cheering]

Hi, I'm looking for a Harry Byrd, Harry Byrd.

Does that sound familiar?

It's a tall guy, a tall old guy.

He's like 80 years old, he's got white hair,

kind of slicked back.

You know what, never mind.

I'll find him myself, thank you.

Thank you very much for your service.

Have a nice day.

Take it away, kid!

Right, right.

So folks, here we go.

Hey, how about some jokes?

Oh, here's a good one.

A horse walks into a barn.

I mean a bar, and the bartender says, why the long face?

[chuckling] [booing]

Okay okay, you probably want some dirty jokes.

I bet you do because you look like a dirty--

[groaning and booing]

So here's a dirty joke.

A white horse fell in the mud!

Oh, that's a killer!

The one with the long face, right?

[chuckles]

Oh come on folks, the girls are backstage.

They're putting on a little less to give you a little more!

Give me a break.

I want my money back!

[booing and groaning]

This isn't working.

Oh, get rid of that.

Say, I was noticing, I was noticing...

What?

Your pants!

My pants?

Yeah, your pants, they look kinda tight.

What?

Oh, yes, my pants!

They're kind of tight!

They're very tight, you want to know why?

I'm not sure I do!

Well I'll tell you why!

It's because, because Nurse Nice is here!

Nurse Nice?

Yes, Nurse Nice.

[blubbering]

She's right over there!

Right over there?

Come on folks, bring her on!

[All] Nurse Nice, Nurse Nice!

[chanting and cheering]

[blubbering]

Woo, are you boys ready to party?

Oh yeah!

Well hold this for a second.

Yeah.

Ooh.

[cheering]

Are you all ready to party?

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

You did great!

Thank you, thank you so much!

What did I tell you?

I know, I know!

[Charles] Dad!

What the hell is going on here?

Take it easy, it was all my idea.

Oh yeah, I don't doubt that.

But your job is to make sure he doesn't act out

all his crazy ideas.

I'm sorry, it's Charles, isn't it?

I've heard a lot of good things about you.

Just cut the crap, all right.

That out there was completely inappropriate

and unacceptable, your employer and you

are going to be hearing from my attorney.

There is no need for that Chucky.

Dad just don't tell me what to do.

Okay, come on, we've got to go now.

Allow me to explain Chucky, there was--

Stop it, okay?

It's not Chucky, it's never been Chucky.

And that is beyond explanation.

Dad, we have to leave now!

I better go.

Don't worry, it'll be all right.

Yeah, like hell it will.

Relax junior, listen, I gotta take a pee.

Something wicked.

Fine, fine.

Harry, you were terrific!

Thanks, thanks.

Did you see the show?

What, no.

My son doesn't like comedy.

Your son, oh, I see the resemblance.

Please stop it.

Give me a second with my friend, will you?

Okay fine, but I'm not taking my eyes off you, Dad.

[whispering]

Yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to tell you how marvelous I think your father is.

Thank you, thanks very much, I really appreciate it.

No, really, really, and lucky too.

Where's Harry?

His son took him.

Have you ever played slots with him?

No.

Oh you should, you should.

What?

We nearly hit the big one.

Really, that's fantastic.

You know the big one?

No, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, right, right, right here!

This is a big one that pays $10,000.

Wow $10,000, that's fantastic.

Yeah, yeah, you want to give it a try?

No, I don't want to...

No no no, you should try, maybe you're lucky like your father.

Oh yeah?

I don't want to play the slot machine, okay.

Now what the hell is taking so long?

Let him sit in peace.

You know, if it's a number two he's doing,

that can take a while, especially at our age.

Psst.

Harry, what are you doing?

No time to explain.

This is your last chance, kid.

For what?

To give a dying man his final wish.

Take me to Olompali.

What about your son?

Chucky?

I gave him the slip, but not for long.

Harry, if I were to do this,

I would get in so much trouble.

He would probably have me arrested

for, I don't know, kidnapping.

Kidnapping? I'm a free man

going on an outing with a friend!

That's not a crime.

What about my job, if I still have one?

Oh right, would hate for you to give up all that.

Relax, I'll take the fall, what do you say?

All right, forget it

Harry.

What?

Can't make a gain unless you take a risk, right?

That's right.

[Jay] Well, come on then.

What?

We're going to Olompali.

Now you're talking.

[chuckles]

Let's get out of these silly outfits.

You said it.

I come from Long Island, ever been?

Yeah, East Hampton.

Oh, East Hampton, that's lovely.

But you know, Long Island, it's all right I guess, but oh,

those winters, they will kill you.

At my age, there aren't enough layers, you know?

Just please stop talking.

Okay, this is taking way too long.

Shit!

[Iris] Red!

They took Harry!

[Concierge] Oh, Mr. Butler, I am so sorry.

[Concierge] I gave your car away.

What, you gave it away?

Yes, I held it for quite a while, but when you didn't come

I had to give it to someone else.

But no worries, Mr. Byrd's son is here.

I'm sure he'll give you a ride.

Yes, yes, I am sure he will.

Thank you.

Secret plan.

What's that?

I'll let you know when I come up with it.

Jay, Harry, what's going on?

Red, we have got to get out of here,

but we don't have a vehicle.

Okay well calm down, I'll take you.

Where are you guys going?

Olompali.

Olompali?

I stalled him as long as I could,

but he's looking for you now.

Okay, you know what, let's go.

Come with me.

[upbeat music]

A nice house, is it yours?

Yes it is, come on in.

What about the other girls?

Don't worry about them, they know what to do.

I'll pick them up tomorrow.

[Charles] Hey!

Stop it!

What are you doing, no! Come on!

You've got to be kidding me!

[Charles] What the hell is this?

Hey mister, can you give us a jumpstart?

What?

I think our battery's dead.

No.

We're really stuck, give us a hand.

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Say, aren't you Harry's son?

What?

Harry's son?

I really love Harry.

Can I give you a hug? No!

Look, I have to go, I have to, just please don't touch me!

Hey buddy, that's not very neighborly.

Now you need to apologize to the nice ladies.

Shit.

Okay, okay.

[soft music]

They're asleep.

Look how sweet that is.

You know, you too can go to sleep.

I got this handled.

Oh, no thanks, I'm still too wired.

So what's the deal with you and this guy?

I mean, you said he wasn't your father.

No, no, no, my father passed away recently.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh don't be, what I mean to say

is we weren't that close.

You know that happens.

Yeah, anyway I'm taking Harry to his new home,

the one he doesn't want to go to.

Yeah that must be kind of hard.

He's just desperate to get to this place Olompali.

Why?

I'm not exactly sure.

Good times, a last flame, I don't know.

Well it is very beautiful, I haven't been there in years.

Never been.

So what do you do when you--

In real life?

Well, I'm an accountant, honey.

You're kidding.

For real.

What you thinking, wild burlesque dancer

can't hold down a straight day job?

I didn't think a straight day job holder

could be a wild crazy burlesque dancer.

[laughs]

It's a wild world, baby!

I guess it is.

You know, I really want to thank you.

You saved our ass back there.

Oh, Red, that's sweet, but no problem.

Actually, I have to say, you saved mine.

[upbeat music]

Wow, whoa, this- this is really something!

Harry!

What'd I tell you?

Harry, are you okay?

Never better.

Hey, where are you going?

Hey, he's off, I've got to keep an eye on him.

Have you been here?

Yeah, long time ago. So beautiful.

[soft music]

Hey, Harry!

Harry, hey, hey, hey!

What's the damn hurry there, partner?

The Outlook.

What's next, Everest?

Come on.

Oh, for God's sake, Harry, slow down.

[waves crashing]

Harriet and I used to hike down to that beach.

What are you, part mountain goat?

That's nothing.

We hung out with the seals and sea lions.

Saw a dolphin, even some whales up there.

Harry, that's good times.

The best.

Harry? Yeah?

You remember when you said your father was an SOB?

Yeah.

My father, he was an SOB too.

I know that.

[Jay] You do?

Yeah, I can tell by the way you are.

You remind me of myself when I was your age.

[Jay] How's that?

Beaten down, unsure of things.

But bursting with life.

You see those trips here with Harriet,

that's what kept me going.

Just like acting keeps you going.

If I were you, I'd be pissed at my old man.

You have a right to be, he wasn't there for you.

And I'll tell you something else.

Only by getting pissed can you forgive him.

I don't understand.

What was your father's name?

Grit.

We all have a good and bad side.

Me, you, even Grit.

We get to choose, Grit just didn't know he could choose.

That was tough on you, but worse for him.

I guess so.

I know so.

Anyway, you still have time.

For what?

To be proud of who you are and what you do.

No matter what the result, just live.

Okay, okay, thanks Harry, thanks, thanks a lot.

Ah, today's a good day to die.

Just kidding.

[chuckles]

I came into this world crying

and I'll go out laughing.

[Charles] Look, right there, there they are.

Uh-oh, party's over.

That's him officer, that's the guy right there.

Come on, Dad.

What seems to be the problem?

Are you kidding me?

You kidnapped my father, I'm filing charges against you.

I wasn't kidnapped.

That's right officer, Harry wanted to come here.

You tell him, girl.

Okay, but if you file a complaint

I'll have to write a report.

Let him go or I'm not moving.

Now Dad.

Don't now Dad me, Charles.

I know deep down you mean well,

but no harm was done.

In fact, I had the time of my life.

[laughing]

All right. Okay fine, forget about it.

Please, Dad.

[soft music]

You stay away from my father.

Bye, Harry.

So long Jay. You take care.

I will.

[soft music]

[birds chirping]

Damn. Damn.

I guess it was worse for you than anyone.

I know now, I know.

Goodbye, Dad.

I love you.

[Jay - Voiceover] I heard Harry got used to the Golden Oaks.

He even liked it.

When the time came, his passing was easy.

[soft music]

A few weeks after Harry died,

I got a call from his lawyer, George, same as my father's.

He wouldn't tell me what it was about.

He said we had to meet.

Jay, nice to see you, thank you for coming.

Have a seat.

I know this is a bit awkward so I'll get right to it.

Some time ago, I received a recording from Harry.

He wanted me to play it for you all after he was gone.

So. Here it is.

Hello. I hope this damn thing works.

Well, I bet you thought you'd seen

the last of me, guess again.

You don't get off that easy.

By the time you see this, I'll be long gone,

but that's okay.

Don't cry for me, Argentina, I'm in a better place.

Anyways, you kids know I've divided my considerable estate

between the three of you. Manage it wisely and for God sake,

have some fun with the money.

I know maybe I wasn't the best of fathers.

You are but I was a damn sight better than my old man

and did my best.

Know that I loved you, and no hard feelings

about sending me off to the old folks home at the end.

Now I wanted my friend Jay to be here

because there's one property I wanted him to have,

the old Magnolia Theater.

Don't get excited, it ain't much,

you kids won't miss it a bit.

I just saw Jay might enjoy it and put it to good use,

maybe put on a comedy show now and then, who knows.

[Harry] Okay, well that's about it.

Take care and see you around.

Dad really liked you.

[upbeat music]

Okay, watch your step folks, please.

And if you want to remember me in your wills, Jay Butler.

You're so funny.

What, you think I'm joking?

[Jay - Voiceover] I kept my job and started doing acting on the side.

I even got the kids involved.

Since the property was free and clear,

I was able to borrow against it.

That and a settlement I got from my father's estate

was more than enough for Danny's college fund, Chloe's too.

Danny surprised the hell out of me

when he told me he wanted to study acting.

Even Susan and I made our peace.

[Jay] So that pretty much brings you up to date.

Now you may not think my life story is exactly comedy,

but let me tell you, it's the real stuff that's funny.

That matters, but let's be honest.

I know you didn't come here just to see me.

So, without further ado, the Harry Byrd Memorial Theater

proudly presents the one, the only,

Miss Pussy Gato and the Kittenettes!

Say hello to Miss Nurse Nice!

Hey there, Tight Pants.

Anybody want to party?

[upbeat music]

That's my nephew.

[upbeat music]

You go Red, I mean Nurse Nice!

[upbeat music]