Original subtitles

- No mayonnaise on hot dogs.

No. No mayonnaise on hot dogs.

Soy sauce on hot dogs?

Mm-hmm. Yummy!

- Awake, my husband.

- [yelps]

- Devil, remember how sometimes,

an emergency can take you away from me for days?

- Yes. Why?

Is there something-- - I hate that.

Succubi need to play.

- [choking]

- Let's play now.

- [chokes]

Well, at least let me stretch first.

[laughs]

[both grunting] - Oh, yeah, baby.

The Chattanooga Choo-Choo is in the--

[both grunting, thudding]

[both yelling, cheering]

[elevator whooshing, dings]

[thuds, moans] - Sir!

- No need to ever give old Devil a hand, Maurice, huh?

Marry a woman that puts spice in your salad.

- Yes, sir. But--

So you don't want help, sir? [phone ringing]

- Hello? - Devil, it's snowing in Hell.

Did you see?

I kept that a secret from you so we could have sex.

- Could you speak up?

I can't hear you over the sound of my rectum bleeding.

[elevator dings]

[dramatic music]

[lively music]

* *

[crash]

[sirens wailing]

* *

[bright music]

[laughter]

[car horn blaring, tires skidding]

- A cold day in Hell.

This is a first.

Should I be freaking out?

- Hell freezing over

is having an interdimensional impact.

Today on Earth, pigs are flying,

the Yankees admitted Boston has a better team,

and the United States

has finally adopted the metric system.

- We got tired of measuring things

by American eagles per football field.

- Yep! Placing an order for freak-out.

Expedited shipping. You two, I need your help.

- Devil needs our help?

Oh, Betty, finally.

This is our purpose, our reason!

- What can we do for you, Lord? What is it?

We shall remember for the rest of our days!

- Ooh. Very dramatic.

I need to get to my office. Stat.

- We're helping.

- Oh! Why, why, Daryl?

- Hey, boss.

- Why have you done such an obvious gag?

- Business is slow so I'm just hanging around.

[laughs] Good humor.

- Then you need support! Quick.

Give me a deformed Tweety Bird head pop.

- Coming right up.

[grunting] Oh.

- Sorry. Gotta go.

Hang in there.

[laughs] Obvious but funny.

- [yelps, groans]

Nuts.

[tense music]

- Emergency response time team, the city needs us.

This is snow.

That's new for us. So let's review the basics.

- Snow is what they call cocaine.

- It's not-- - [slurps, chokes]

It's not cocaine.

- Maybe this yellow snow is cocaine.

[slurps, chokes]

No. - Ugh.

This is gonna be my favorite day.

I can tell.

- Sorry I'm late.

Regina had the urge to spelunk my chocolate cave.

Nothing's stalagtite back there anymore.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Okay, God.

It's like you puked in my ears.

- Status report.

- Everyone on Chit Chat's in a panic.

- We're the only ones who made it in today.

That means Coma isn't here to make the coffee.

[dramatic music]

- No, no, no!

Do either of you know how to use the machine?

- I don't know.

I just have a snort of the Irish in the morning.

- I've watched Coma enough to figure it out.

You know, she's really ni--

- And yea, in Hell, there shines an Angel.

[whispers] One milk, eleven sugars.

[normally] Wait, who's that?

- This is Mr. Smith, a meteorologist by trade.

He claims to know what's going on.

- [laughs] I'm sorry.

I've never been this important before.

- Wonderful! Beans, coffee has to wait.

Get this heretofore-useless weatherman

on a Chit Chat live stream!

We'll reassure and calm the populace with information.

- Got it. Ready, set, and stream.

- Hello, Hell.

I am Meteorologist Smith.

You may know me from my Chit Chat channel,

Getting Meaty With Meteorology.

- He made a channel.

- Yes, and Nero fiddled. Pay attention.

- Grouch.

- Here, we see Hell as it once was.

The air was kept warm

by steadily circulating all over this lava.

But then, the city was built.

It blocked the air.

The heat stopped circulating,

and the air very slowly cooled

over many, many years.

Last night, it finally fell

just enough to cross a threshold loop.

The cold air is feeding on itself exponentially

as it plummets towards a total atmospheric freeze.

So in conclusion,

Hell does not stand a snowball's chance in Hell!

Please like and subscribe.

- And my freak-out has been delivered.

Didn't need a signature or anything.

- Is it too late to monetize that?

[yells]

It was an honor just to be the messenger!

[thuds softly]

I'm okay.

- Sir, we must endeavor to dismantle the city.

- Is that possible?

- It would take too long.

There's only one way to change something

this big this fast.

[dramatic music]

- Justin Bieber will save us?

- [groans]

[dramatic music]

- The tome God left you?

Yes, it reveals Hell's dimensional workings,

so sure it could heat up Hell,

but you know God only writes in vagaries and contradictions.

Please, sir.

The only time you used it,

you transmogrified all the Demons into chickens.

[yelps]

- Get everyone in here, especially Coma.

Tell 'em to cluckin' hurry.

[wind howling]

[both chittering]

- Susan!

[dramatic music]

[flatulence bubbles]

[laughter]

[flatulence burps]

[laughter]

* *

- [coughs]

[screeches]

- Cold as a witch's teat.

- [groans]

Faster, people.

I'm wearing a fucking napkin here!

[wind howling]

[fire crackling]

- Lights.

[dramatic music]

The ceremony of the Tome

shall now begin.

As the secret controls of Hell are not to be taken lightly,

the book demands the respect of flesh!

Coma, you will now disrobe.

* *

- That's enough.

If you think you're gonna subject Coma

to your sick sexual flesh cravings with--

with your ball stomping and pegging and--

and probably weird stuff with ferrets or something,

and make us all watch, well, Lord of Hell or not,

you're gonna come up with a plan

that doesn't include traumatizing decent people.

Yes.

Demons can be innocent, decent people too.

Or you're gonna have to go through me.

* *

- Mayhap I have undervalued the measure of this man.

- That's beautiful. Bravo!

- Well, sometimes, you gotta--

[screams]

- Nobody's ever defended me like that before.

- The book burns the flesh of whoever picks it up.

So Coma's safe, see? No flesh!

You stood up to me. You, a human!

Me, the Lord of Hell!

I'm so proud...of myself.

I take full credit for his personal growth.

- Uh...

- We'll talk later about those ferrets.

Hm?

[fire crackling]

Reveal the power of Vulcan's Forge

to awaken the volcanoes of Hell!

- Oh, that should keep the place warm.

Or burn us up.

Lots of ash to clean up, by the way.

I'm gonna need overtime.

- Sacrifice the blood of a virgin man or woman?

A virgin in Hell?

No, I don't think that's a thing.

- [clearing throat]

Beans, I am making the throat-clearing sound,

but my throat is already cleared.

Did you know that?

- This is not my day.

I--

on Earth, I watched internet porn

instead of having real relationships.

It's a Gen Z thing.

What I'm trying to say is...

- He is a virgin.

Beans confided that to me.

Trust is a special thing.

Spill his blood!

- To the roof!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's brainstorm options.

We could run all the microwaves with the doors open.

Come on, guys!

[ominous music]

* *

- I take no pleasure in this, Beans,

but for the good of Hell...

[thunder booming]

- I know how this is gonna go.

I think you're going to kill me, then surprise,

you just get my blood with a little jab in the finger.

- Nope, your dick. - [screams]

- Sorry, it's all part of the pure virgin blood theme.

- [groans, sobs]

I hate you!

- Oh, it was just a little prick.

Hero or pussy, Beans, pick a posture.

- [chuckles] Little prick.

- [laughs]

[dramatic music]

* *

[book ignites]

[flames whooshing]

* *

[all cheer]

[triumphant music]

* *

[tense music]

[all cheer]

* *

[ice cracking]

- That's-- [scoffs]

That's all the book had.

I got Beans's penis blood on my trident for nothing.

- Hell will glaciate, and we will freeze.

The lucky ones will dance with hypothermia for eternity.

- Daddy, what does that mean?

- It means we must evacuate Hell.

So if anyone needs the bathroom,

now is the time.

[rope creaks]

- [screeches]

[chomping]

[gags]

This isn't ice cream.

It's frozen yogurt.

- Yeah. It's Hell, asshole.

- [groans, slurps]

- Uh-oh. Nuts.

- [screeches]