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1
00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:09,336
[upbeat carnival music]
2
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,304
- Ladies and gentlemen
and esoteric beings
3
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,184
that defy classification...
4
00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:14,851
- Ahh!
5
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:17,389
- It is pleasure to announce
this year's newest Tilt-A-Whirl
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,904
at Tilt-A-World,
the park filled exclusively
7
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:23,397
with the best ride
in the universe, Tilt-A-Whirls.
8
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,110
[cheers and applause]
- Fucking Tilt-A-Whirls!
9
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,191
- Now, in addition
to fan-favorites
10
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:29,946
Drunk Mel Gibson
11
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:32,368
and The Big Toe,
12
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:35,617
I present my favorite
Tilt-A- Whirl yet...
13
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,080
[drumroll]
14
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,790
[upbeat music]
15
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,870
The purple one!
16
00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,035
[cheers and applause]
17
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,633
- Fucking purple!
18
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,758
- Thanks for helping out,
Beans.
19
00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:48,086
Regina would have been here,
20
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,761
but she hates things
that make her smile.
21
00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,089
[clicking]
22
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,434
[whirring]
23
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,639
- Don't worry, sweetie.
24
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,308
If you feel sick,
just close your eyes
25
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,467
and breathe deep.
26
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,604
- Is that "advice"
from your weak
27
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,141
and pathetic human experience?
28
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,226
- Maybe.
29
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,190
[upbeat carnival music]
30
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:08,821
* *
31
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:09,940
[shrieking]
32
00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:11,356
- Faster, Gloria!
33
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,704
- Roger that.
34
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,409
- Oh, my God!
35
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,279
- Oh, feeling sick?
36
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,696
Would an egg salad sandwich
calm your stomach?
37
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:20,616
- [retches]
38
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:23,673
- I am having a wonderful time.
39
00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,087
- Is he dead?
40
00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:28,628
- Beans, speak to me.
41
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:31,512
Will Beans' friend, girlfriend,
or loved one of any kind
42
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:33,129
please step forward
and take care of him?
43
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,636
- Huh?
44
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:37,558
- Haven't you made
any friends yet, Beans?
45
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:42,097
You need a fr...
you need a girlfriend.
46
00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:44,523
- Please do not let that be
your takeaway from all this.
47
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,442
- Mm-hmm.
48
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,441
[dramatic music]
49
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,364
[lively music]
50
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:59,544
* *
51
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,337
- Good morning, team.
52
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:11,168
Our first order of business
is to scrap
53
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:13,014
all of our orders of business.
54
00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:14,259
We have an emergency.
55
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,090
- Allow me to declare
martial law, sir.
56
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,386
Just like I did when women
started having opinions.
57
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,520
- I don't think we need
to shut down the city
58
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,227
just to get Beans a girlfriend.
59
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,807
- Wait.
- [scoffs] Finally.
60
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,312
My years of experience
as the president
61
00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:27,694
put to good use.
62
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,861
- Now, who has a suggestion
on how to fix Beans'
63
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:31,319
sad and lonely existence?
64
00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:32,489
- Guys, no.
65
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,147
First of all, ouch.
66
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,525
Second, I'm not even
used to the idea
67
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,662
that I'm in hell yet.
68
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,238
I'm not ready
for a relationship.
69
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,953
- But how can you settle in
without a shoulder to cry on?
70
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,334
You could date a being
with several shoulders
71
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,251
for extra crying power.
72
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,830
- I'm not gonna escape this,
am I?
73
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,955
- I won my wife in a duel
with an Apache.
74
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,093
We were settling a debate
over fishing rights
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00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,720
when a stray shot hit
Ida's whalebone bodice.
76
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:58,428
Per Code Duello, that made her
my legal property.
77
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,470
Her father made me pay
for the bodice.
78
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:02,933
- Like Werner Herzog
directed a rom-com.
79
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:03,934
- Here's a tip, kid.
80
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,765
As a
pan-bi-tri-uni-quad-sexual,
81
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:09,060
I've fucked, sucked, boned,
blown, licked,
82
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,355
flicked, juiced, bared,
83
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:15,525
[bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep],
84
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,200
and held hands with everything
85
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:18,488
that moves in hell
and some that don't.
86
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,161
You wanna get yourself
a wandering misfit
87
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,580
from the second outer waste.
88
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,448
Once you get over the wailing,
they are amazing cuddlers.
89
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,576
- Is it racist
if I prefer humans?
90
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:27,923
- [scoffs]
[groans]
91
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,627
- Yes, but I get it.
92
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,418
You're nervous, clueless, lost.
93
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,421
I happen to know a love expert
you can talk to.
94
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,883
- That would help.
95
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,973
[light music]
96
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:37,968
I don't think you can help.
97
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,089
- [inhales and exhales]
98
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:42,845
Beans, I am 6,000 years old.
99
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,849
I have heard
every possible problem,
100
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:49,482
every shameful secret
ever conceived,
101
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:53,401
seen billions of humans naked
and doing things
102
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:56,111
you cannot possibly imagine.
103
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:57,652
So--
[inhales sharply]
104
00:03:57,696 --> 00:04:01,566
Believe me when I say
whatever is troubling you,
105
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:06,286
I will forget by dessert.
106
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,459
- Okay,
that actually makes sense.
107
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:11,288
All right, so here goes.
I'm...
108
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,134
[in slow-motion]
A virgin.
109
00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:14,169
- [splutters]
110
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,922
- I was addicted
to internet porn.
111
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,974
It's a Gen Z thing,
and it distracted me
112
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,128
from real relationships.
113
00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:20,505
Well...
[laughs]
114
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,642
My Venmo account had a real
relationship with PornHub.
115
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:23,889
That's for sure.
Heh.
116
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,140
[sinister music]
117
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,522
- I must bathe in your blood.
118
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,150
- I don't want you
to bathe in my blood.
119
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,686
- Please! A virgin in hell?
120
00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:35,111
Just a bite of your flesh.
121
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,190
One of your testicles.
122
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,784
I know for a fact
you don't need both.
123
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,320
- Check, please.
124
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,123
[light music]
125
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,487
- [sighs]
126
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,543
I--I am sorry.
127
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,037
You came to me for help,
and I--
128
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,789
Beans, be confident.
129
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,961
A good mate will not care
of virgin things.
130
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,171
- Thanks. That helps.
131
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:58,340
You took a terrifying route,
but you got there.
132
00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:00,471
- [gulping]
133
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:03,848
Bring me every cheesecake
134
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,967
you have!
135
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,098
- Beans,
you look seriously awful.
136
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,194
And that's from a guy who had
a front-row seat
137
00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:17,069
to the 1977 San Diego Comic-Con
syphilis outbreak.
138
00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,858
- He's been working all night
on a new app.
139
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:21,532
- Regina motivated me
to get a girlfriend fast
140
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,241
for, uh, my health.
141
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,871
so I made
hell's first dating app.
142
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:28,199
- "Chit Chat presents Tinder.
143
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,624
Swipe right on a profile
to make a connection."
144
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,833
Beans, you came up with this
by yourself overnight?
145
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,875
- Yes. Yeah.
146
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:39,919
- Look at all of these women
thirsting for Beans' smoothie.
147
00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,594
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe, swipe.
148
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,053
- Hold up. That's my account.
149
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,053
- You know the saying:
"Beggars can't have standards."
150
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:47,215
Oh, I can feel myself
entering wingman mode.
151
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:49,353
Coma, clear my schedule
for the foreseeable future.
152
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,391
[phone chimes]
153
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:51,893
Three matches.
Oh.
154
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:54,895
Coma, I foresee
one afternoon, thanks.
155
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,443
- Oh, they look nice.
156
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,283
- Then I hope you like clichés,
157
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,858
because it's
fashion montage time.
158
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,364
- What?
159
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,406
Whoa!
160
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:08,658
[upbeat funky music]
161
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,622
[tires screech]
162
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:14,752
* *
163
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,591
- Whoa, the devil himself.
164
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,507
- One Fashion Montage
Cliché Special, please.
165
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,417
- [claps]
166
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:28,805
* *
167
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,015
[leather squeaks]
168
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,521
- I really like it.
169
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,823
- Oh, no! That's perfect.
170
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:39,897
- You fool!
171
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,491
You put on
the good outfit first.
172
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,317
- No, no, sir, our mistake.
Please.
173
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,912
- It's too late.
174
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,027
You've satisfied the customer,
and I'm very disappointed.
175
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,124
- Can I wear it out?
176
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,539
That's how much I like it.
177
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,117
- This is not how I expected
the Cliché Special to go.
178
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,873
- [sobbing]
We're so...we're ruined!
179
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,495
- Excuse me,
but this is ridiculous.
180
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,633
- Oh, you're too kind.
181
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,210
[car horns honking]
182
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,590
- Here we go. Big night.
Just coffee, no stress.
183
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:08,845
Three girls, boom, boom, boom.
184
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,347
In and out, in and out,
in and out.
185
00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:14,058
- Are these dates or a porno?
186
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,600
[majestic music]
187
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,943
- Excuse me.
Are you Legumes?
188
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,649
- It's Beans, actually. Hi.
189
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,939
Hello.
- Good. Correct her, yes.
190
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,403
Girls like to be corrected.
- Hey, shh.
191
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,654
- Helen. Helen of Troy.
You may have heard of me.
192
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,616
I'm so attractive
I started a war,
193
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,366
the biggest war in history
until World War I.
194
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:31,988
Archduke Ferdinand was
not attractive.
195
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,365
So maybe that war
doesn't count.
196
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,291
Your profile said you work
for Devil?
197
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,660
What's he like in person?
198
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,246
Handsome, strong hands,
good kisser?
199
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,049
- He's married.
- I heard.
200
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,008
Would cheating on his wife
cause a war, you think?
201
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,678
That's my fetish.
You can watch if you want.
202
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,586
- [growling]
203
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,255
- Okay.
204
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,516
Hmm, at least the next one
looks normal.
205
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,346
[sinister music]
206
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,312
- You are the date?
207
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,312
- Okay.
208
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,194
- Alone, I have been.
209
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,651
Then came the app.
210
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,321
Now I am here with you.
211
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,280
- You, uh, don't look like
your picture.
212
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,611
- It is old.
213
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,696
I am older.
214
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:15,911
Now we talk of desires
and not desires.
215
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:19,254
I enjoy cold madness
and puppies.
216
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,710
- Huh. I--I'm sorry.
217
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,670
I'm really sorry, but--
but humans are
218
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,801
more my, uh, t-type, my type.
219
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,298
- That is racist.
220
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,719
- That's what I said.
221
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,388
- Okay, two strikes.
222
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,847
Here comes the pitch.
223
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,256
I happen to know the next girl
Ziva, is a demon too,
224
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,765
but a nice one.
225
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:38,687
She's my dentist's daughter,
and he has very clean fingers
226
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:39,847
- I'm calling it. No.
227
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,814
Tonight's been just too weird.
228
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,065
Oh.
- Oh, sorry. I'm so nervous.
229
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:48,738
I'm meeting a human for a date,
and dating in hell is weird.
230
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,068
- Yeah, tell me about it.
231
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,163
- Beans?
232
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,987
- Ziva?
233
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,293
- I heard humans like flowers.
234
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,576
- That is very sweet.
235
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,579
Do you wanna go for a walk?
236
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,421
- Yeah, I think I do.
237
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,247
- It's a meet-cute.
238
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,842
Meet-cute! Meet-cute!
Meet-cute!
239
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,338
- The coffee comes to $92.
240
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,759
- For six cups?
241
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,297
A bargain.
242
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:10,721
Nope, you broke me.
243
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,219
That's actually bullshit.
244
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,350
[upbeat music]
245
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,218
* *
246
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,595
[cat yowls]
247
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,142
[cat yelps]
248
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:28,106
* *
249
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,701
- [retching]
250
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,964
* *
251
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,378
- Thanks for walking me home.
252
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,746
- Ziva, this has been
my favorite evening
253
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,174
since I came to hell.
254
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:49,172
The runner-up was getting
stabbed by a cat, but still.
255
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:50,474
- [laughs]
256
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,677
Oh, I like you too.
257
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:55,677
Let's go to my room and [bleep]
until the cows come home.
258
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,680
- That's a terribly
misplaced metaphor.
259
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,352
I don't think I'm ready--ahh!
260
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,100
- Hey, Dad, my new friend Beans
is staying over.
261
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,103
- Well, I--I don't--
- Okay, darling.
262
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,805
Beans is quite a name for a...
263
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,435
[gasps]
A human?
264
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,322
- That's right, Dad,
from Earth.
265
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:12,149
- No, I don't keep my fingers
clean for my patients
266
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,985
so you can bring one of him
into my house.
267
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,491
- Little racist.
Tables turning.
268
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,583
- Hush, lover.
269
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,077
That's right, lover.
270
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,199
We're gonna go do it upstairs.
271
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,666
Who knows what kind of weird
human things he has down there?
272
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,747
- A human penis probably.
273
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,672
- You--
I think you should tell me
274
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,421
how I shouldn't say anything...
275
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,053
You're leaving?
276
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,590
- I think you just spent time
with me to piss off your dad.
277
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,724
- Not entirely.
278
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,261
I did have a good time tonight.
279
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,675
A kiss goodbye at least?
- Sure.
280
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:44,685
[gentle piano music]
281
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:49,518
* *
282
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,486
- [slurping]
283
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,084
- How did it go?
284
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:02,037
Did you take Richard swimming?
[chuckles]
285
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:05,078
[whispers]
I mean get your dick wet.
286
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,633
Huh, want me to reconvene
the task force?
287
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,087
- I think I'm gonna take things
at my own pace.
288
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:11,838
- The full strength
of the forces of hell
289
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,220
are here if you need them.
290
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:21,140
- Mm...
I know you'll find happiness.
291
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,521
- Huh.
292
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,439
[worm shrieking]
293
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,073
- The picture is old.
294
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,241
- Do you have any nudes?
- I do not.
295
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,490
- Wanna go take some?
- Oh, gosh.
296
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,242
This is really happening.
297
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:42,914
- Come on, baby.
I wanna see that beak.
20539
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