Original subtitles

[upbeat carnival music]

- Ladies and gentlemen and esoteric beings

that defy classification...

- Ahh!

- It is pleasure to announce this year's newest Tilt-A-Whirl

at Tilt-A-World, the park filled exclusively

with the best ride in the universe, Tilt-A-Whirls.

[cheers and applause] - Fucking Tilt-A-Whirls!

- Now, in addition to fan-favorites

Drunk Mel Gibson

and The Big Toe,

I present my favorite Tilt-A- Whirl yet...

[drumroll]

[upbeat music]

The purple one!

[cheers and applause]

- Fucking purple!

- Thanks for helping out, Beans.

Regina would have been here,

but she hates things that make her smile.

[clicking]

[whirring]

- Don't worry, sweetie.

If you feel sick, just close your eyes

and breathe deep.

- Is that "advice" from your weak

and pathetic human experience?

- Maybe.

[upbeat carnival music]

* *

[shrieking]

- Faster, Gloria!

- Roger that.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, feeling sick?

Would an egg salad sandwich calm your stomach?

- [retches]

- I am having a wonderful time.

- Is he dead?

- Beans, speak to me.

Will Beans' friend, girlfriend, or loved one of any kind

please step forward and take care of him?

- Huh?

- Haven't you made any friends yet, Beans?

You need a fr... you need a girlfriend.

- Please do not let that be your takeaway from all this.

- Mm-hmm.

[dramatic music]

[lively music]

* *

- Good morning, team.

Our first order of business is to scrap

all of our orders of business.

We have an emergency.

- Allow me to declare martial law, sir.

Just like I did when women started having opinions.

- I don't think we need to shut down the city

just to get Beans a girlfriend.

- Wait. - [scoffs] Finally.

My years of experience as the president

put to good use.

- Now, who has a suggestion on how to fix Beans'

sad and lonely existence?

- Guys, no.

First of all, ouch.

Second, I'm not even used to the idea

that I'm in hell yet.

I'm not ready for a relationship.

- But how can you settle in without a shoulder to cry on?

You could date a being with several shoulders

for extra crying power.

- I'm not gonna escape this, am I?

- I won my wife in a duel with an Apache.

We were settling a debate over fishing rights

when a stray shot hit Ida's whalebone bodice.

Per Code Duello, that made her my legal property.

Her father made me pay for the bodice.

- Like Werner Herzog directed a rom-com.

- Here's a tip, kid.

As a pan-bi-tri-uni-quad-sexual,

I've fucked, sucked, boned, blown, licked,

flicked, juiced, bared,

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep], [bleep],

and held hands with everything

that moves in hell and some that don't.

You wanna get yourself a wandering misfit

from the second outer waste.

Once you get over the wailing, they are amazing cuddlers.

- Is it racist if I prefer humans?

- [scoffs] [groans]

- Yes, but I get it.

You're nervous, clueless, lost.

I happen to know a love expert you can talk to.

- That would help.

[light music]

I don't think you can help.

- [inhales and exhales]

Beans, I am 6,000 years old.

I have heard every possible problem,

every shameful secret ever conceived,

seen billions of humans naked and doing things

you cannot possibly imagine.

So-- [inhales sharply]

Believe me when I say whatever is troubling you,

I will forget by dessert.

- Okay, that actually makes sense.

All right, so here goes. I'm...

[in slow-motion] A virgin.

- [splutters]

- I was addicted to internet porn.

It's a Gen Z thing, and it distracted me

from real relationships.

Well... [laughs]

My Venmo account had a real relationship with PornHub.

That's for sure. Heh.

[sinister music]

- I must bathe in your blood.

- I don't want you to bathe in my blood.

- Please! A virgin in hell?

Just a bite of your flesh.

One of your testicles.

I know for a fact you don't need both.

- Check, please.

[light music]

- [sighs]

I--I am sorry.

You came to me for help, and I--

Beans, be confident.

A good mate will not care of virgin things.

- Thanks. That helps.

You took a terrifying route, but you got there.

- [gulping]

Bring me every cheesecake

you have!

- Beans, you look seriously awful.

And that's from a guy who had a front-row seat

to the 1977 San Diego Comic-Con syphilis outbreak.

- He's been working all night on a new app.

- Regina motivated me to get a girlfriend fast

for, uh, my health.

so I made hell's first dating app.

- "Chit Chat presents Tinder.

Swipe right on a profile to make a connection."

Beans, you came up with this by yourself overnight?

- Yes. Yeah.

- Look at all of these women thirsting for Beans' smoothie.

Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.

- Hold up. That's my account.

- You know the saying: "Beggars can't have standards."

Oh, I can feel myself entering wingman mode.

Coma, clear my schedule for the foreseeable future.

[phone chimes]

Three matches. Oh.

Coma, I foresee one afternoon, thanks.

- Oh, they look nice.

- Then I hope you like clichés,

because it's fashion montage time.

- What?

Whoa!

[upbeat funky music]

[tires screech]

* *

- Whoa, the devil himself.

- One Fashion Montage Cliché Special, please.

- [claps]

* *

[leather squeaks]

- I really like it.

- Oh, no! That's perfect.

- You fool!

You put on the good outfit first.

- No, no, sir, our mistake. Please.

- It's too late.

You've satisfied the customer, and I'm very disappointed.

- Can I wear it out?

That's how much I like it.

- This is not how I expected the Cliché Special to go.

- [sobbing] We're so...we're ruined!

- Excuse me, but this is ridiculous.

- Oh, you're too kind.

[car horns honking]

- Here we go. Big night. Just coffee, no stress.

Three girls, boom, boom, boom.

In and out, in and out, in and out.

- Are these dates or a porno?

[majestic music]

- Excuse me. Are you Legumes?

- It's Beans, actually. Hi.

Hello. - Good. Correct her, yes.

Girls like to be corrected. - Hey, shh.

- Helen. Helen of Troy. You may have heard of me.

I'm so attractive I started a war,

the biggest war in history until World War I.

Archduke Ferdinand was not attractive.

So maybe that war doesn't count.

Your profile said you work for Devil?

What's he like in person?

Handsome, strong hands, good kisser?

- He's married. - I heard.

Would cheating on his wife cause a war, you think?

That's my fetish. You can watch if you want.

- [growling]

- Okay.

Hmm, at least the next one looks normal.

[sinister music]

- You are the date?

- Okay.

- Alone, I have been.

Then came the app.

Now I am here with you.

- You, uh, don't look like your picture.

- It is old.

I am older.

Now we talk of desires and not desires.

I enjoy cold madness and puppies.

- Huh. I--I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, but-- but humans are

more my, uh, t-type, my type.

- That is racist.

- That's what I said.

- Okay, two strikes.

Here comes the pitch.

I happen to know the next girl Ziva, is a demon too,

but a nice one.

She's my dentist's daughter, and he has very clean fingers

- I'm calling it. No.

Tonight's been just too weird.

Oh. - Oh, sorry. I'm so nervous.

I'm meeting a human for a date, and dating in hell is weird.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- Beans?

- Ziva?

- I heard humans like flowers.

- That is very sweet.

Do you wanna go for a walk?

- Yeah, I think I do.

- It's a meet-cute.

Meet-cute! Meet-cute! Meet-cute!

- The coffee comes to $92.

- For six cups?

A bargain.

Nope, you broke me.

That's actually bullshit.

[upbeat music]

* *

[cat yowls]

[cat yelps]

* *

- [retching]

* *

- Thanks for walking me home.

- Ziva, this has been my favorite evening

since I came to hell.

The runner-up was getting stabbed by a cat, but still.

- [laughs]

Oh, I like you too.

Let's go to my room and [bleep] until the cows come home.

- That's a terribly misplaced metaphor.

I don't think I'm ready--ahh!

- Hey, Dad, my new friend Beans is staying over.

- Well, I--I don't-- - Okay, darling.

Beans is quite a name for a...

[gasps] A human?

- That's right, Dad, from Earth.

- No, I don't keep my fingers clean for my patients

so you can bring one of him into my house.

- Little racist. Tables turning.

- Hush, lover.

That's right, lover.

We're gonna go do it upstairs.

Who knows what kind of weird human things he has down there?

- A human penis probably.

- You-- I think you should tell me

how I shouldn't say anything...

You're leaving?

- I think you just spent time with me to piss off your dad.

- Not entirely.

I did have a good time tonight.

A kiss goodbye at least? - Sure.

[gentle piano music]

* *

- [slurping]

- How did it go?

Did you take Richard swimming? [chuckles]

[whispers] I mean get your dick wet.

Huh, want me to reconvene the task force?

- I think I'm gonna take things at my own pace.

- The full strength of the forces of hell

are here if you need them.

- Mm... I know you'll find happiness.

- Huh.

[worm shrieking]

- The picture is old.

- Do you have any nudes? - I do not.

- Wanna go take some? - Oh, gosh.

This is really happening.

- Come on, baby. I wanna see that beak.