Original subtitles

[horns honking in distance]

[stately music playing]

- Mimosa?

[cat meows]

Mimosa?

- Hell of a morning, sisters.

- Regina! - Regina, hi.

- Hell of a morning. - Hi! Hell of a morning.

- Jezebeth!

Jahi!

You let yourself go.

- Hey, you birth 537 offspring,

and we'll see how your tits swing.

- You were always the demon of sleeping around.

Karen. - Regina.

- Look at us.

We have not all been together

since your wedding centuries ago.

Queen of Hell.

How is that going?

- Eh, things will be better

when we go back to the old ways.

Devil made Hell so disgusting and weak, right?

- [slurps] - [coughs]

- Mimosa?

- Um, everyone loves the new Hell, Regina.

- No!

Don't you miss soaking your clothes

in the blood of virgins,

making vile men pay for their sins?

- Ugh, getting blood out of anything

is a nightmare! [laughs]

- I took three lavender bubble baths last week.

Now, that's a sin.

[laughter] - That sounds pathetic.

You girls are funny. - Mimosa?

- Regina, old Hell is gone.

You holding on, that's pathetic.

- Try to fit in, honey. - [groans]

All these centuries,

I thought my sisters, of all creatures,

would feel as I do, but I am alone,

so I will try to change.

- Mimosa? - Ah!

- I will shove this mimosa up your ass

and pull it up your throat and make you drink it!

[dramatic music]

[lively music]

* *

[breathes deeply]

Good morning to Devil's allies and servants

to whom I hold no contempt!

I bring muffins.

- Oh, nice! - So generous.

- Fuck, yeah! Banana nut!

- Home-baked confections, Regina?

This is uncharacteristically domestic of you.

- Hell has changed, McKinley,

and now I finally see if I can change with it.

It is not so hard!

- Oh. Oouugh!

I think that muffin went right through me!

I gotta go, you know, poo!

[gurgling]

- Did Beans just disparage my muffins?

- Mm, it can be interpreted as such.

- Ugh, I tried, McKinley.

- Do what you must.

- Of course.

- Oh, no.

[crashing]

- [grunts]

[tense music]

* *

[glass shatters] [yelps]

- It will be a cold day

when a man insults a succubus of Hell and lives!

Is it cold out, Beans?

- Without my pants, it is.

* *

[screeching]

- Whoa! Regina! - Devil!

Ah, surprise?

I made muffins.

- I have got to install

shatterproof glass for that window.

Beans, can you breathe, buddy?

- [muffled speech]

- Administrator Orjak, repeat what you were just telling me.

- We're dealing with a 19% rise of human misery

despite the release of "Game of Thrones"

Season 8 on DVD.

We don't get it, but we do know

that throwing humans out of windows

is a negative.

- We are trying to make the humans happy,

and it's not easy.

This behavior? Not helping.

We're talking centuries of not helping.

- I was trying to be nice.

- Take him out of your butt, okay?

- Mm--ahh!

- We'll talk later.

- [sighs] Tsk, tsk.

- Wake it up! Come on!

Hell to Beans, over!

- I'm okay. - Good.

Can you have Gloria send a guy to fix the bathroom?

Somebody took such a dump,

it blew the door off its hinges.

[upbeat music]

- Tell me why you're here, Regina.

- Every time I try to hurt someone,

they say, "Regina, you need help."

Then nobody will let me kill them for saying that.

So today I will open myself up to you.

With words. Not, you know...

[rasping]

- Fascinating, but I meant, "What's wrong?"

- Oh. I am alone!

First, my sisters condemn me.

Then Devil admonished me before a lowly bureaucrat.

- Go on.

- When I married Devil, I thought I could change him.

He wanted hell to be fun. I wanted torture and screaming.

A tale as old as time.

- And you've realized you can't change him, I see.

Tell me about your penis.

- Penis? I don't have a penis.

- You don't?

Let's talk about your mother.

- I am of the First Host. I have no mother.

- Then I'm sorry,

you're giving me nothing to work with!

[glass shatters] - [screeches]

- I've heard having a hobby can relieve stress.

Go to this address.

It may be what you're looking for.

[door creaks]

- No penis? [door slams]

Whoever heard of such a thing?

- I don't get it.

[edgy music playing]

- [moaning, grunting]

[slapping]

- Ohh...

- I get it!

This is like Disneyland, but for normal people.

Ah, Jezebeth!

I knew your bubble bath routine was a lie!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm just getting out some aggression.

I can only handle so many PTA bake sales

before I need to hurt somebody.

I can't swallow one more gluten-free brownie!

[whip cracks] - [groaning]

- [breathes deeply]

Regina, you will love this.

* *

[whip cracks] - [groaning]

- Ah, yes! Oh, yes.

You will learn your place with a lesson in pain.

Mm. [laughing] - [gasps] So good!

- What? - Please torture me, Mama.

I deserve it!

- You're not supposed to like it!

- Blargh! - Regina!

Oh, we better go.

- This is playpen for weak men!

It's exactly like Disneyland.

- Uh, little help?

"Blargh" was my safe word.

- So Hell still has some horrors after all.

- Why don't you stop talking and put that mouth to good use?

- [gasps]

Is that a bottle of Leviathan's spinal fluid?

Devil banned this!

- I've been saving it for a special occasion.

I opened it for you instead.

both: Lehayim! [glasses clink]

[screeching, grunting]

- Mmm, lemony.

- [hiccups]

- You kept your foreskin trophies?

Ugh. I never liked those.

- Well, they're not for you. [both laughing]

[screeching, grunting]

- And you kept your fire crystals.

- No, that's my new business.

Crystal healing.

Quartz, amethyst.

Positive energy flows in.

Negative energy flows out.

Humans can't get enough.

[both laughing] - They are so stupid.

[screeching, grunting]

- Look; you're not the only one who saved a little something.

- A gateway necklace?

- Let's go to Earth,

destroy the wills of men like we were meant to.

Deep down, I know you like it.

- Well, maybe it's the spinal fluid talking,

but I'm in!

Can we stop at Body Works?

- No! [whirring]

[both moaning]

- [groans]

[both laughing]

- It's natural!

- No, it's not.

This only happens to you.

For shame! - [gasps] Ah!

I'm gonna have emotional issues about this

for the rest of my life!

- And erectile dysfunction. [laughing]

Don't forget the erectile dysfunction.

[both laughing]

[whirring]

- Wake up, lover.

- Huh? Who are you?

- Harold, you old, cheating bastard!

- [cackling] - I want a divorce.

- You're 93.

You want to spend the last month of your life alone?

- My goiter has more integrity than you!

[both laughing]

- This is small potatoes.

Let's have some real fun.

[whirring]

- I can't compete with your goiter.

You know that.

[whirring]

- Oh, Crimea... let me stroke your peninsula.

Mm...

- Vladimir.

Vladimir...

- Ugh! Who are you?

- Putin with the big... [hiccups] Missiles.

Launch a missile for me, Putin?

- Blegh. Who's his decorator?

A menstrual cycle?

- Shh, I'm seducing him.

Make a world war for me, Putie.

- Make him organize his closet.

The fuck hangs a suit on a wire hanger?

- Beth! Act like a succubus!

* *

[retches] - Okay.

This was a mistake.

[whirring]

- Everybody freeze!

- You're fired.

- Nuts.

[siren wails in distance]

- Ugh.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

- Yes! Yes!

Unauthorized travel to Earth is forbidden!

Final energy surge was pinpointed here,

and, well, something needs to be done about her.

- You're right.

This has gone far enough.

- Ah! Sir?

- I have been a real shit to her!

- Ahh! [screams]

- I've been ignoring her needs!

- Why?

- I should be supporting her

and punishing anyone who disrespects her!

Right? - Yes! No!

I mean, yes! But, um--ahh!

* *

- My hellfire rages anew!

- Ahh! It hurts, it hurts!

- Burn, baby, burn!

- I will try to follow your plan,

but I cannot surrender who I am.

- I love who you are. - [screaming]

It burns, it burns, it burns!

Ahh!

[both moaning softly]

- [clears throat] May I go now?

[moaning, slurping]

Glad to be part of the team.

* *

- Hey God.

A wise man once said,

"Bitches be cray,"

but I think men are just as cray

when they say, "Bitches be cray."

Am I using "cray" correctly?

Please advise.

[whip cracks] - Ow!

- [laughing] - I'd rather not be doing this.

- Yes, object to this activity!

Object to it!

- I do object!