Original subtitles

[low vibration]

[demon-elephants trumpet]

[jaunty music]

- One train full of our monthly shipment

of Earth goodies? Check.

Two clipboards? Check.

Man, this is fun.

- I love getting Earth stuff.

Google Glasses. Wow.

What do you think they do?

- Something awesome,

if so many of them ended up here.

[horn honks] - Devil just called.

He got tired of waiting and is on his way.

What's the holdup?

- Oh. Yeah, there's something

you should see for yourself.

[suspenseful music]

- Hi, hoo. Hello.

My name's Gwyneth Paltrow.

Hi. I know.

I would kill for an Antipodes water

with kiwi and apple slices, no lemon.

The acid upsets my pH balance.

- Uh, ooh, it says here you--oh, my.

You drowned in a bathtub full of tortoise semen.

- That's right. I was testing out

Goop's next big product launch,

a tortoise semen subscription service,

which I cannot wait to try on your skin, by the way.

Tortoises are the longest-living land animal.

Did you know that?

Their semen has rejuvenating powers.

Look at my skin. [gasps]

I must have drank too many bottles

of 1947 Cheval Blanc Saint Emilion

and drowned during my nightly soak...

- What is taking so long?

Hey, you guys gotta be more careful

with these packages.

"Close to the Sole:

A Photo Diary of Malibu's Lost Ankle Tattoos,

Volume Three"?

That is inspiring!

I'm gonna need volumes one and two.

I'm a completist. Anyone?

[dramatic music]

[lively music]

* *

After we get all these sorted,

I want you and McKinley to show them off to Chit Chat.

Show the people what's new.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Goodbye boredom, hello new addiction.

- Fidget spinners. Yeah, they're pretty popular,

but you got tired of them,

and they all came here, I guess.

- Beans, Beans!

This is the most versatile device I've ever seen.

It's a bagel slicer, personal fan,

finger exerciser-- oh, that's it.

We'll start finger races as a new sport.

Coma, who's that guy with the weak fingers?

- Uh, Weak Fingers Wally?

- Get him in here!

- Lord?

- See this? Take this.

Finger this. Finger it until you're strong.

- Trim your fingernails first.

- Oh... thank you, Lord.

- You're the captain of our new finger team, Wally.

Make us proud.

- Oh, thank you, Lord.

I will finger it forever.

- Please, if everyone could stop saying

everything that they're saying.

- Watch, listen, learn.

Out-of-the-box thinking

is why God put me in charge.

Get out of your box!

- Oh, to have bones...

- That's right.

Devil was hand-picked by God

to run this place.

- And it spits out the juice. That's amazing!

[device humming]

- Infinite wisdom, I guess.

[heavenly chorus]

* *

- Earth is finished and spinning.

I'd like to congratulate and thank you all

for a job well done.

[cheering] - Yeah, we did it!

- Now, on final review,

I was surprised by some finishing touches.

All around the planet,

about four meters below the ground,

are giant monster bones. Who was that?

- Uh, me. Devil, sir.

I made them all look millions of years old

so as humans explore the Earth,

this will be their first big mystery.

"Oh, giant lizard bones. Crikey.

What does this mean?" It's so fun.

- But Earth is not millions of years old.

- Exactly. It's like a paradox game

that'll never end.

Different people wanting it to make sense,

having different ideas and coming together

to share their beliefs in peace!

Oh, can you picture the love?

- I wish you'd cleared that with me, but... okay.

Who can tell me why all the female mammals

are leaking blood?

- Ooh, ooh. That's me again, sir.

They leak from their baby-making parts

to remind them of the miracle of life.

It'll be a celebration. The males will be jealous.

So beautiful.

- [coughs]

- I guess.

Bunnies?

- Made them for the kids, sir.

- Good job. Adorable.

Okay, who's responsible for Australia?

- I filled it with the most poisonous beasts

in the world

and cute little koalas with chlamydia.

[laughs] They'll be friends! It's so cute.

[lively music]

* *

- Usually, presenting new products to the public

is a joyous affair with crowds and celebration.

Ugh, loathsome. No decorum at all.

But utilizing your social media instead?

Ah. Mayhap your Chit Chat

will finally be useful.

- Yeah. If you're gonna gaslight people

into wanting this crap,

best to do it one on one,

or one on millions.

One on millions of ones of millions?

- This is crap.

- Hey, wouldn't Devil wanna do this?

- He's too excitable. - One time on stage,

he applied so much Cheetos-flavored lip balm

that he went into toxic shock.

- As Devil's advocate, it is my province

to perform in his stead.

- That tracks. Okay.

Streaming in three, two, one...

- This is President McKinley,

presenting the stupendous new products

coming to our fair land.

Ah, what we have here

is a shaking weight contraption.

No morning constitutional would be complete without it.

- Aha! I know what that's for.

My boyfriend got me one for Christmas.

Two weeks later, I yanked the skin off his dick.

The poor bastard.

- Jehoshaphat!

What the fuck's wrong with you people?

- This is crap. Why do we have this?

[heavenly chorus]

- Peter, I cannot wait to see

what Earth has brought forth for me.

Finally, I will not be alone.

You know what I mean.

* *

- Amalthea. She loves butterflies.

- And I love you!

* *

- Elias, creator of the clay pot.

- [gasps] Look what you did!

[laughs]

- Jacob. He... oh, dear.

Jacob, it says you wipe your ass with your hand.

- Yes, sir. My hand.

I seen some using leaves,

but you know, I already got a hand,

so why complicate stuff? Why be wasteful?

- I don't wanna spend eternity with him.

Send him away. - To where?

There is naught but heaven and Earth.

- Fuck.

[peppy music]

- We now head to the Ford Theater,

where Devil himself is attending

a standing-room-only movie premiere.

- When I told people this month's shipment

included this movie,

it caused the stir of the century.

- Who does Orson Welles have to fuck

to get a bowl of peas around here?

- [yawns]

I've seen it a hundred times.

[mutters] Tosche station for power converters.

[sighs]

Why would "Star Wars" come here?

It's not crap.

[dramatic musical scare]

What was I thinking?

[projector whirs]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- They're gonna hate the movie! It's so bad!

They're gonna claw the screen down

with their bare hands!

- Report on the First Order fleet.

- They've pretty much conquered the galaxy, Lord Palpatine.

- Excellent.

Now, launch the Final Order fleet

to conquer the galaxy.

- Huh? Two fleets?

That makes no se--

- Ah, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

- I have to tell you my secret. - Tell me.

- I'll never tell you, Rey. I have a secret,

and I'll tell you I need to tell you,

then literally never bring it up again.

- Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- You're dead. You're alive.

- We kissed. You're dead.

- What is going on?

- Stop the movie!

No! Why is hell so tasty?

Black licorice? Gross.

No!

- Let there be light...

again.

Thought I'd be resting today,

but here I am with this noise.

Okay, raw materials.

Maybe some trees?

Ah, fuck it. This is good enough.

Keep this place clean.

Don't ever give me a reason to come back here.

Understand? [collective murmur]

- Ow, ow, ow!

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

- From now on, everyone and everything

that is even remotely-- I mean remotely--annoying,

less than perfect in any way,

gets dumped here. Understand?

I don't wanna be disturbed by any of it.

- Understood, sir, but who's gonna run this place?

Not me?

- No, you're my bridge partner.

Oh, who to put in charge?

Oh, get that weirdo Devil down here.

Tell him he's getting a promotion.

- [screams]

[both laughing]

[melancholy music]

* *

- Hey, Beans. Don't be sad.

I've been locked out of my place

in just my underwear lots of times.

Of course, I didn't wander the city afterwards, but--

- No, man. It's this.

It's my fault. I should've realized

we got one of the bad Star Wars movies.

- You think we hated it so much,

we blew up the theater?

This was a gas leak! Everyone loved the movie.

- But Palpatine was alive.

How? How?

- Beans, you turn your nose up at everything,

but the people dig this stuff!

[sighs] I was like you once,

blind to others' wants and needs,

a real asshole. - Hey.

- Did you know it was millennia before I even suspected

humans hate burning in lava?

[laughs]

That's why God never returned my calls.

I hadn't opened my heart yet.

But I did, and you will too.

[menacingly] Or else.

[laughs] I'm kidding.

- Oh. So God did call you?

- Not yet. Ugh.

Such an asshole.

[heavenly chorus]

* *

- I made sure Gwyneth Paltrow was routed to hell,

but get this. They rejected her.

- They don't wanna spend eternity

with buckets of tortoise semen either?

Who would've guessed?

[laughs]

Oh, Gwyneth.