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1
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:13,968
[low vibration]
2
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,684
[demon-elephants trumpet]
3
00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,400
[jaunty music]
4
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,188
- One train full
of our monthly shipment
5
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,941
of Earth goodies?
Check.
6
00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,613
Two clipboards?
Check.
7
00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:28,031
Man, this is fun.
8
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,239
- I love getting Earth stuff.
9
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,120
Google Glasses.
Wow.
10
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,317
What do you think they do?
11
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,696
- Something awesome,
12
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,543
if so many of them
ended up here.
13
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,198
[horn honks]
- Devil just called.
14
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,916
He got tired of waiting
and is on his way.
15
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:42,037
What's the holdup?
16
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:45,003
- Oh.
Yeah, there's something
17
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,915
you should see for yourself.
18
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:50,473
[suspenseful music]
19
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,388
- Hi, hoo.
Hello.
20
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:53,847
My name's Gwyneth Paltrow.
21
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,057
Hi.
I know.
22
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,766
I would kill
for an Antipodes water
23
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:59,426
with kiwi and apple slices,
no lemon.
24
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,766
The acid upsets my pH balance.
25
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:05,401
- Uh, ooh, it says here
you--oh, my.
26
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,440
You drowned in a bathtub
full of tortoise semen.
27
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,525
- That's right.
I was testing out
28
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,320
Goop's next big product launch,
29
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,374
a tortoise semen
subscription service,
30
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:17,537
which I cannot wait to try
on your skin, by the way.
31
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,367
Tortoises are
the longest-living land animal.
32
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:21,583
Did you know that?
33
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,883
Their semen has
rejuvenating powers.
34
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,667
Look at my skin.
[gasps]
35
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,210
I must have drank
too many bottles
36
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:31,304
of 1947 Cheval Blanc
Saint Emilion
37
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:35,101
and drowned
during my nightly soak...
38
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,056
- What is taking so long?
39
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,847
Hey, you guys gotta be
more careful
40
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,480
with these packages.
41
00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,807
"Close to the Sole:
42
00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:44,811
A Photo Diary of Malibu's
Lost Ankle Tattoos,
43
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,274
Volume Three"?
44
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,324
That is inspiring!
45
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,148
I'm gonna need
volumes one and two.
46
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:52,323
I'm a completist.
Anyone?
47
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:55,322
[dramatic music]
48
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:58,325
[lively music]
49
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:05,498
* *
50
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,085
After we get all these sorted,
51
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,425
I want you and McKinley
to show them off to Chit Chat.
52
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,560
Show the people what's new.
53
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,100
Whoa-ho-ho!
54
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,562
Goodbye boredom,
hello new addiction.
55
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,359
- Fidget spinners.
Yeah, they're pretty popular,
56
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:29,768
but you got tired of them,
57
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,276
and they all came here,
I guess.
58
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:32,857
- Beans, Beans!
59
00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:35,162
This is the most versatile
device I've ever seen.
60
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:37,276
It's a bagel slicer,
personal fan,
61
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,243
finger exerciser--
oh, that's it.
62
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,954
We'll start finger races
as a new sport.
63
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:45,035
Coma, who's that guy
with the weak fingers?
64
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:47,041
- Uh, Weak Fingers Wally?
65
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:48,503
- Get him in here!
66
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,304
- Lord?
67
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,549
- See this?
Take this.
68
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:58,011
Finger this.
Finger it until you're strong.
69
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,893
- Trim your fingernails first.
70
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,845
- Oh... thank you, Lord.
71
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,232
- You're the captain
of our new finger team, Wally.
72
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,559
Make us proud.
73
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,064
- Oh, thank you, Lord.
74
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,685
I will finger it forever.
75
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,403
- Please, if everyone
could stop saying
76
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:14,403
everything that they're saying.
77
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,034
- Watch, listen, learn.
78
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:17,361
Out-of-the-box thinking
79
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:19,235
is why God put me in charge.
80
00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,082
Get out of your box!
81
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,867
- Oh, to have bones...
82
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,041
- That's right.
83
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,409
Devil was hand-picked by God
84
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:26,865
to run this place.
85
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:30,745
- And it spits out the juice.
That's amazing!
86
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,594
[device humming]
87
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,299
- Infinite wisdom, I guess.
88
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:40,796
[heavenly chorus]
89
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,385
* *
90
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:44,720
- Earth is finished
and spinning.
91
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,436
I'd like to congratulate
and thank you all
92
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,227
for a job well done.
93
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:53,020
[cheering]
- Yeah, we did it!
94
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,776
- Now, on final review,
95
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,948
I was surprised
by some finishing touches.
96
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,317
All around the planet,
97
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,954
about four meters
below the ground,
98
00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,620
are giant monster bones.
Who was that?
99
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:04,950
- Uh, me.
Devil, sir.
100
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,464
I made them all look
millions of years old
101
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,537
so as humans explore the Earth,
102
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,752
this will be
their first big mystery.
103
00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,963
"Oh, giant lizard bones.
Crikey.
104
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:16,804
What does this mean?"
It's so fun.
105
00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:20,295
- But Earth is not
millions of years old.
106
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,853
- Exactly.
It's like a paradox game
107
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,597
that'll never end.
108
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,469
Different people
wanting it to make sense,
109
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,476
having different ideas
and coming together
110
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:31,148
to share their beliefs
in peace!
111
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,017
Oh, can you picture the love?
112
00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:37,438
- I wish you'd cleared that
with me, but... okay.
113
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:40,155
Who can tell me why
all the female mammals
114
00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,446
are leaking blood?
115
00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,449
- Ooh, ooh.
That's me again, sir.
116
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:45,541
They leak
from their baby-making parts
117
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,697
to remind them of the miracle
of life.
118
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,536
It'll be a celebration.
The males will be jealous.
119
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,422
So beautiful.
120
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,039
- [coughs]
121
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,665
- I guess.
122
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:56,592
Bunnies?
123
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:57,879
- Made them for the kids, sir.
124
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:01,974
- Good job.
Adorable.
125
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,600
Okay, who's responsible
for Australia?
126
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,557
- I filled it with
the most poisonous beasts
127
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,018
in the world
128
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,728
and cute little koalas
with chlamydia.
129
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,229
[laughs] They'll be friends!
It's so cute.
130
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:16,191
[lively music]
131
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:17,862
* *
132
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,111
- Usually, presenting
new products to the public
133
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,953
is a joyous affair
with crowds and celebration.
134
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,699
Ugh, loathsome.
No decorum at all.
135
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:28,702
But utilizing
your social media instead?
136
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:31,405
Ah.
Mayhap your Chit Chat
137
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,706
will finally be useful.
138
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,129
- Yeah.
If you're gonna gaslight people
139
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,247
into wanting this crap,
140
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,253
best to do it one on one,
141
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:37,504
or one on millions.
142
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,955
One on millions
of ones of millions?
143
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,546
- This is crap.
144
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,221
- Hey, wouldn't Devil
wanna do this?
145
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,179
- He's too excitable.
- One time on stage,
146
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,760
he applied so much
Cheetos-flavored lip balm
147
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:49,716
that he went into toxic shock.
148
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,056
- As Devil's advocate,
it is my province
149
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,562
to perform in his stead.
150
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,853
- That tracks.
Okay.
151
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,896
Streaming in three, two, one...
152
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,071
- This is President McKinley,
153
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,530
presenting the stupendous new products
154
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,110
coming to our fair land.
155
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:07,992
Ah, what we have here
156
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,124
is a shaking weight
contraption.
157
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,751
No morning constitutional
would be complete without it.
158
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,039
- Aha!
I know what that's for.
159
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,923
My boyfriend got me one
for Christmas.
160
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,250
Two weeks later, I yanked
the skin off his dick.
161
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,375
The poor bastard.
162
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:21,922
- Jehoshaphat!
163
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,675
What the fuck's wrong
with you people?
164
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,797
- This is crap.
Why do we have this?
165
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:31,468
[heavenly chorus]
166
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,556
- Peter, I cannot wait
to see
167
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:35,731
what Earth
has brought forth for me.
168
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,440
Finally, I will not be alone.
169
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,321
You know what I mean.
170
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:43,858
* *
171
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,163
- Amalthea.
She loves butterflies.
172
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,528
- And I love you!
173
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,446
* *
174
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,705
- Elias, creator
of the clay pot.
175
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,498
- [gasps] Look what you did!
176
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,211
[laughs]
177
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,844
- Jacob.
He... oh, dear.
178
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,220
Jacob, it says you wipe
your ass with your hand.
179
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,428
- Yes, sir.
My hand.
180
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:07,718
I seen some using leaves,
181
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,141
but you know,
I already got a hand,
182
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:12,269
so why complicate stuff?
Why be wasteful?
183
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,347
- I don't wanna spend
eternity with him.
184
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:15,812
Send him away.
- To where?
185
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,942
There is naught
but heaven and Earth.
186
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,362
- Fuck.
187
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:23,990
[peppy music]
188
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,987
- We now head
to the Ford Theater,
189
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,989
where Devil himself
is attending
190
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:30,871
a standing-room-only
movie premiere.
191
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:33,499
- When I told people
this month's shipment
192
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,406
included this movie,
193
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,615
it caused the stir
of the century.
194
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,875
- Who does Orson Welles
have to fuck
195
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,248
to get a bowl of peas
around here?
196
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,838
- [yawns]
197
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,843
I've seen it
a hundred times.
198
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,965
[mutters] Tosche station
for power converters.
199
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:52,973
[sighs]
200
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,604
Why would "Star Wars"
come here?
201
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,891
It's not crap.
202
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,644
[dramatic musical scare]
203
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:58,896
What was I thinking?
204
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,532
[projector whirs]
205
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:07,607
[dramatic music]
206
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,784
♪ ♪
207
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,494
- They're gonna hate the movie!
It's so bad!
208
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,575
They're gonna claw
the screen down
209
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:15,869
with their bare hands!
210
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:19,502
- Report
on the First Order fleet.
211
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,381
- They've pretty much conquered
the galaxy, Lord Palpatine.
212
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:24,840
- Excellent.
213
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:28,719
Now, launch
the Final Order fleet
214
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,548
to conquer the galaxy.
215
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,224
- Huh?
Two fleets?
216
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:34,813
That makes no se--
217
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,638
- Ah, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap.
218
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,643
- I have to tell you my secret.
- Tell me.
219
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,015
- I'll never tell you, Rey.
I have a secret,
220
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,982
and I'll tell you
I need to tell you,
221
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,733
then literally never bring it
up again.
222
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,484
- Ah, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
223
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,736
- You're dead.
You're alive.
224
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,408
- We kissed.
You're dead.
225
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,068
- What is going on?
226
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,906
- Stop the movie!
227
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,831
No!
Why is hell so tasty?
228
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,955
Black licorice?
Gross.
229
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,922
No!
230
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,632
- Let there be light...
231
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,884
again.
232
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,045
Thought I'd be resting today,
233
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,183
but here I am
with this noise.
234
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,560
Okay, raw materials.
235
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:18,098
Maybe some trees?
236
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:20,231
Ah, fuck it.
This is good enough.
237
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,685
Keep this place clean.
238
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,940
Don't ever give me a reason
to come back here.
239
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,782
Understand?
[collective murmur]
240
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:30,896
- Ow, ow, ow!
241
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,195
Hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, hot!
242
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,528
- From now on,
everyone and everything
243
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:38,044
that is even remotely--
I mean remotely--annoying,
244
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,788
less than perfect in any way,
245
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,079
gets dumped here.
Understand?
246
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,833
I don't wanna be disturbed
by any of it.
247
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:47,456
- Understood, sir,
but who's gonna run this place?
248
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:48,804
Not me?
249
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,468
- No,
you're my bridge partner.
250
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,127
Oh, who to put in charge?
251
00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:56,046
Oh, get that weirdo Devil
down here.
252
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,426
Tell him he's getting
a promotion.
253
00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,643
- [screams]
254
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,983
[both laughing]
255
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:05,148
[melancholy music]
256
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:10,898
* *
257
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,824
- Hey, Beans.
Don't be sad.
258
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:14,993
I've been locked
out of my place
259
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,991
in just my underwear
lots of times.
260
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,703
Of course, I didn't wander
the city afterwards, but--
261
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,664
- No, man.
It's this.
262
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,035
It's my fault.
I should've realized
263
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,081
we got one
of the bad Star Wars movies.
264
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,665
- You think we hated it
so much,
265
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,040
we blew up the theater?
266
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,376
This was a gas leak!
Everyone loved the movie.
267
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:33,513
- But Palpatine was alive.
268
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,840
How?
How?
269
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,594
- Beans, you turn your nose up
at everything,
270
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,676
but the people dig this stuff!
271
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,682
[sighs]
I was like you once,
272
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,934
blind to others' wants
and needs,
273
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,516
a real asshole.
- Hey.
274
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:47,861
- Did you know it was millennia
before I even suspected
275
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,107
humans hate burning in lava?
276
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,230
[laughs]
277
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,606
That's why God never returned
my calls.
278
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,413
I hadn't opened my heart yet.
279
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,697
But I did, and you will too.
280
00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,281
[menacingly] Or else.
281
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,575
[laughs] I'm kidding.
282
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,368
- Oh.
So God did call you?
283
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,542
- Not yet.
Ugh.
284
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,081
Such an asshole.
285
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:10,247
[heavenly chorus]
286
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,625
* *
287
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,841
- I made sure Gwyneth Paltrow
was routed to hell,
288
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,722
but get this.
They rejected her.
289
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:17,339
- They don't wanna spend
eternity
290
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:20,005
with buckets of tortoise semen
either?
291
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,385
Who would've guessed?
292
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:24,851
[laughs]
293
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:27,233
Oh, Gwyneth.
20271
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