Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

* *

- Hell of a morning, team.

- Hell of a morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Status report, Beans. What's the word on the web?

- Trolls are fighting people on Chit Chat,

but I'm banning them as fast as I can.

- There are no trolls in hell, Beans.

- No, I mean-- - This isn't some kind

of fairy-tale land of goblins and dragons.

- There's no trolls in hell, Beans.

- Okay, when I said trolls, I meant--

- Demons, yes.

Fantastical creatures beyond imagining?

Sure. But come on, trolls?

Don't be stupid. - Actually, sir,

trolls are hell's 17th-largest ethnic group.

- Oh, right. I usually don't see race.

You can't ban trolls, Beans. That's racist.

- Oh, no room for racism in hell, Beans.

- Every day like this.

[device shrieking]

- Lord, a summons.

- [groans] President McKinley!

Code: Bullshit.

- Huh?

- Hey, Eden, there's a good girl.

- [hisses]

- Nobody touch my pastries while I'm gone.

- Good luck, sir.

- What is going on? - In the beginning,

hell was fairly empty,

so Devil sent the contract to Earth.

- Humans can summon Devil with it.

They promise to come to hell if he does them a favor.

Boosted our numbers when humans were scarce,

but centuries of "just the tip" later,

and there's billions of you.

- The contract is now a damn nuisance

that Devil can't ignore, like Spain!

[spits] But worry not.

In Devil's absence, I am in charge.

All is well.

[explosion rumbling]

Every day like this!

[dramatic music]

[lively music]

* *

[rain pattering]

[warbling]

- Hot damn, it worked! I actually summoned the Devil!

- Yay, yippee, it's a party.

Okay, fast-forward through the rules.

One: ask me for anything,

but "Monkey's Paw" rules apply if you get greedy.

I'm not here to turn the world yellow, okay?

- I want-- - Seriously, the last guy

wanted to turn the world yellow!

He had a pee fetish. Gross.

Well, usually gross, depends on your diet.

Wanna know how I "Monkey Paw"-ed his ass?

- No, I-- - Pay attention!

Come on, I'm really proud of this.

Added digitalis plant leaves to all of his tea bags.

Digitalis toxicity resulted in xanthopsia, and boom!

He only sees the world in yellow!

"Monkey's Paw"! - If I c--

- He was killed in an auto accident.

All the lights looked yellow to him, so that was good.

- Number two-- - I wanna disprove God!

- Are you insane?

Isn't my existence proof that God exists?

Come on!

- Only fools trust what they see and hear.

The moon landing was fake.

Babies shouldn't get vaccinated.

The clitoris doesn't exist.

It's a myth propagated by Big Vibrator.

- You're one for three.

- I have questions about the Bible,

inconsistencies that I'll use to prove to all of Reddit

God isn't real.

- Jesus Christ!

[passengers screaming, electricity crackling]

[metal groaning]

[siren wailing]

- It's not helping.

- Driver said she was so distracted

arguing with a troll on Chit Chat,

she didn't see the other train.

- Just ban the trolls, Beans.

I won't condone your racism,

but I will turn a blind eye because it doesn't affect me.

If it works for America,

it can work for hell. - I give up.

[passengers scream]

Whoa! Are they gonna be okay?

- Eh, probably. Takes a lot to destroy a soul.

- The pressing concern is restoring order.

Rescuers begone! Summon the demolition team!

[passengers screaming]

- Okay, but the passengers can still feel pain, can't they?

- [stammers mockingly]

Oh, yes! Boo-hoo!

Tell you what: if the locomotive does plummet,

it's frozen custard and fellatio for everybody.

Would that calm your bleeding heart?

- Ah, the ole froze-n-blow.

[passengers scream]

- [screams]

[people gasping, murmuring]

- Eric, where is your hard hat?

- It was itchy.

- See what happens when you don't wear your hard hat?

- You get smushed. - Good.

Quicker to clean up if it's off the track.

- You know what? I'm going back to the office.

- What, and miss all the fellatio?

- If Adam and Eve only had Cain and Abel,

where the hell did Cain's wife come from?

- I don't know. Free will?

I'm just gonna say "free will" to the rest of these.

- Why would a loving God send bears to maul 42 kids

just because they ridiculed a bald guy, huh?

- It doesn't say that. - It does.

- Oh, whoa, it does! [laughs]

That is insane! Who wrote this?

- Why'd an all-powerful God

have to rest on the seventh day?

Did he need a shower? Did God stink?

- I don't know! Free will, okay?

God smelled bad because you have free will.

- Stop lying to me.

- Why did you summon me

if you're not even going to listen to me?

- I suffer from a confirmation bias!

My heart! Heart attack!

But will the truth die with me?

- Shit.

I am going to run into this asshole in hell,

I just know it.

Oh, well, time to head home.

What is this? Oh, no!

The contract remains unfulfilled!

You gotta release me, or I'm stuck here!

Ugh, you are worse than the pee fetish man.

Oh, gosh, I'm yelling at a corpse.

Okay, think. Think, okay.

[animal chitters]

[light harp music]

- [farts] - [chirps, groans]

- [crying] - [laughs]

- [guffaws]

That is some grade-A "Looney Tunes" shit.

That skunk is mean.

That's it!

Where would an atheist keep a mallet?

- A snake named Eden.

Was that you, buddy? With Eve and the apple?

You can tell me. - I don't give interviews.

- [screams]

- Beans. - [screams]

- Emergency delivery from the front gate.

- [screams] - [hisses]

- A skunk? Are you crazy?

- The welcome demon assured me that the skunk

has completely emptied itself.

Also, the Rusty Gate is closed for a deep cleaning.

- But why'd they send it to me?

Is this some kind of hazing thing,

like waking up at your frat house with three gerbils

and a note saying, "Enjoy the four gerbils"?

Not that it happened to me. It's just...

"Beans, Devil.

"Can't return until released. Guy just died.

Find him. See reverse for pic."

- You must see Devil returned to hell.

If he is absent for too long, our dimension becomes unstable

and could collapse into a singularity.

- Are you serious?

[tense music]

Coma?

- He has a 2:00

he's already rescheduled twice, and--

- Fine, I'll check the front gate.

Drama queen.

- I heard someone beating a skunk to death from next door.

Is Steve okay?

Steve, it's Joyce.

Is your heart condition okay?

[dramatic music]

You! You murdered him,

and now we'll never be together!

How dare you eat his frozen pizza?

You-- [chokes]

- This day cannot get any weirder.

[doorbell rings]

As if on cue. Look at that timing.

There's proof of God right there.

I'll bet this is Ashton Kutcher.

Is "Punk'd" still a thing?

It should be.

Survey says...

- Uh, we're here for the People Pursuing Truth

in Portland meetup group. - Of course you are.

- Oh, uh, are you new to the PPTP?

- I am, yes.

Ashton? No?

Maybe later.

- [gasps] - [gasps]

- Okay, let me guess. Let me guess.

All right, literal tinfoil hat guy is about UFO cover-ups.

And you...

oh, lung stuff.

Not enough to go on.

- I'm keeping myself pure from the chemtrails, sir,

and keeping doctors with their nasal spray vaccinations away.

And I'll be damned before I breathe in

any of that G5 poison.

Nice try! - Noted.

And you are obviously

an anti-government militia gal, right?

- No, I think an evil Illuminati order

is controlling the world, but they're all over 50.

Time for millennials to represent.

- Is that true? - Yes.

- Bummer.

- Oh, it's finally happening, guys.

We got too close, and the CIA

sent a man in black to take us all out.

- Oh, no, that would make way too much sense for today.

No, these two were natural causes.

I'm just a visitor from hell.

Devil. Hello, good to meet you.

Won't be here much longer. [sighs]

Pizza?

Joyce thinks we shouldn't, but...

[chuckles]

She not gonna--she's dead.

- Sic semper tyrannis!

[dynamic music]

- Really, guys? - [yells]

* *

- I don't wanna hurt you.

- [yells] - Ow!

Chemtrails gets a slap for that.

[air hissing]

[explosion]

Okay, time-out, obviously.

- [yells] [gunshots]

- I said time-out!

[shouts, grunts, gunshots]

[glass shatters]

Are they putting steroids in their crazy pills or what?

Time-in, way in!

[laughs]

- I can prove you don't exist.

- At this point, I wish I didn't.

- Excuse me, hi. Is this you?

- No.

- Walk with me, buddy.

[skunk snarls] - [screams]

- I need you to say out loud

that you release Devil from the contract.

- No way!

I'm a truth warrior

and need truth bullets for my truth guns.

- Listen, man, the truth is, you're dead

and you're in hell.

So whatever ammunition you thought Devil

was gonna give you for your drive-by truthings or whatever

doesn't mean shit down here.

Time to move on.

- You're right.

I release Devil from the contract.

I wonder what secrets hell is hiding.

[yells]

- Let's go.

- Hey, I know you just got back,

but you got a 2:00 waiting.

- I'm canceling.

- No, no, come back later. We're closed.

- I think we have to reschedule.

- Yeah, you know what?

You know how many times I've rescheduled already?

- I keep Devil's schedule, so yes.

- Not going anywhere.

You ever have anyone piss on you?

- You wanna spend eternity pissing blood?

- [gasps] Ooh, maybe.