Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- Now, this is the Hell 2.0 I wanted!

Families meeting new people together, individually.

All thanks to "Chit Chat." - What's "Chit Chat"?

- My new social media app! Aren't you using it?

- Banana! In the boot!

- That game is... wicked cool!

[chuckles]

But Chit Chat's the top banana.

I just made eight new friends on it!

- Nobody's heard of Chit Chat, father.

- Nonsense! It's so popular,

you'd think it was Rainbow Dash at a Bronies convention.

It's not popular at all!

It's like a less famous, uh...

"My Little Pony"... at a Bronies convention.

Oh, I kind of trapped myself in a simile.

I couldn't get myself out of there.

- Yeah! - Banana! In the boot!

[eerie music]

* *

[horns honking]

- Call to action, team!

We pushed the slogan, "Show me your chits,"

and it bombed.

Like Svengallop at a Bronies convention.

- I warned you against that slogan.

- No time for apologies, Beans.

We gotta pump those numbers up!

Those are rookie numbers.

- "Wolf of Wall Street."

- Falling back in love with you, buddy.

- Sir, if I may fix Beans' unconscionable failure,

you should just order people to use Chit Chat.

- You can't force people to use an app.

What people get online for is viral videos,

which we can make.

- What kind of videos?

Wait, like colonoscopy cams from very, very

thin pescatarians? I'm in!

- I once saw a tremendous zoetrope of a trotting pony.

Like that? - Ooh,

can that be part of a shared cinematic universe?

- No, man, you guys are both so weird.

Like, an unboxing video, where you open a box

then take out the thing that was in the box.

They're huge, trust me!

- I don't know if you're serious.

Are--are you? You...

You're serious?

Then I love it! [chuckling]

- Well, I do not trust you.

My role as Devil's Advocate requires I maintain my dignity,

so I want no part of this.

- We have to trust each other or we have nothing.

You'll see! Up on the trust table.

All right, now, close your eyes...

and fall.

Trust us to catch you.

- [sighs] Very well.

Ah!

I landed on my huge Victorian-era keys.

Ow. - Hard fail!

Okay, I order you to trust us.

- At least I still have my dignity.

- Such a beautiful day.

- [gurgling]

[phone beeping]

- Welcome to Hell's first viral video!

I'm Devil, and holding the camera

is head demon Gloria!

- Hi, mom.

Actually, I was born from fire and dust, so...

hi, fire and dust?

- Let's put a pin in Gloria's existential crisis

and see what we're unboxing today.

This is the physical embodiment of Teppeneitz,

the German concept of thinking of the perfect comeback

long after the chance to use it has passed.

Neat, huh? [chuckling]

Now, we unbox.

[whooshing]

Is that it?

Beans, is that all I'm supposed to do?

- No, you kiss like a washing machine, Ashley Johnson.

You do! It would've been perfect.

- Uh, okay.

Next up, we have a recent delivery.

The paperwork says it contains

Harvey Weinstein's deformed penis.

Now, we unbox.

- Oh, God! No!

- Ah, get it away from me!

- Ah! Did it move?

- It smells like shame and sauerkraut!

- I saw it move!

- I feel the urge to ask it

for a screen credit.

- Don't. - Ah, it's got a gun!

- That is atrocious.

I will never use Chit Chat again.

- [screaming]

- This will work? - Oh, yes.

Tons of lame videos get views

just because there's a hot woman in them.

- [clears throat]

Today, I am showing you a hack of life.

You can wrap small hand towel

around a mug to keep it warm.

Boobies, boobies, boobies.

- Maybe something sexier? - You dare?

I am Regina Axtraivix, Succubus of the First Host!

You dare question my sexy?

I'll show you how we scream in the pit.

The souls of humans shred to tatters in my claws!

Crushed to dust betwixt my loins!

How's that? Better?

- Yes. Thanks.

- Ah, you cry from sexy?

That makes me puke.

- There's better ways to keep mugs warm than that!

[birds chirping]

- Regina, c'mon! I'll teach ya, it's fun.

[upbeat music]

* *

Now you, McKinley!

- Challenge accepted.

Dancing is a noble skill

I proudly mastered on the White House ballroom floor.

Excellence at everything.

This is the move that made King Alfonso XIII

surrender Guam. - [laughing]

* *

- Ugh, I slightly moved my thumb to press play on that?

- I am told that cooking instructionals are popular.

As a veteran of the American Civil War,

my brothers and I faced such hardship

that we ate our horses.

Our delicious, delicious horses.

First, I will explain how to slaughter the beast.

This should only be attempted by the most virile

of men, such as myself.

Youths have even called me a...

bad motherfucker, you know.

[snorts and whinnies]

- Meow? [laughing]

- That's hilarious. all: [laughing]

- McKinley is Hell's first meme!

- [laughing] - Chit Chat must reach

full penetration!

McKinley, we're gonna meme the shit out of you.

- Oh, please, no. No penetration.

- We shall respect your wishes.

[whinnies] - Ah!

- [laughing] - Did you get that?

He thought I was a horse!

Oh! Classic McKinley.

- Damnation.

* *

Ah! Oh.

* *

[coughs]

* *

[screeching]

* *

We are here to review the impact

of Earth's renewed interest

in "Dungeons & Dragons" will have

on incoming traffic during--

- Sir, we never received those projections.

- Impossible! I oversaw them myself.

What have you done?

* *

- I love these morning chit chats, Teacher Lamia!

- They are improving your grades, hell-spawn.

Charlotte, is your homework ready?

- Common core math has fallen before me!

- You seeing this, baby? Now that's Chit Chat!

- Ah, I suffocate in the sin of pride, my love.

Children, to school!

- That's McKinley... on your backpacks?

- Everyone loves his funny videos.

- My friends carve his name in the flesh of their enemies.

- Whoa! A lot to unpack there.

* *

McKinley!

You'll never believe what my kids have--

Ah, hey!

- [squeals] Are you a McKinley maniac too?

- Excuse me, madam.

* *

Ugh, oh!

[gasps]

* *

Beans, your viral videos have unleashed

some kind of a curse.

- Hell wasn't ready

for this much social media this fast!

McKinley is Hell's first influencer.

- Bad Motherfucker McKinley? I love him.

He's on Chit Chat right now.

both: Ah! - Ah!

Ow. Since when is Hell so rude?

[cheering]

- So if the denizens of Hell must be sheep,

then your shepherd of influence I shall be.

- Yeah! McKinley rules!

- Dude, it's so fun to have

someone else define your identity.

- Yeah, McKinley rules!

[screams]

- You gotta stop this!

He's gonna influence everyone

to shove sticks up their butts.

And not in a-a fun way, but as a metaphor.

- Social media may be an unpredictable noisy mess,

but any idiot's voice can rise to the top at any time!

- Any idiot's voice, you say?

- When I am working, I do not smile.

Smiles are your face stealing energy

from the productive part of your body.

Your knees.

- I can see that. - Knees.

- My most productive spot.

- Punch yourself in the nuts!

all: [laughing] - Who said that?

Identify yourself.

all: [laughing]

- What were you, the President of eyebrows?

all: [laughing] - Oh, right.

I follow this guy 'cause he's a joke.

I wanna see a horse kick you in the face.

all: [laughing] - Cease this foolery!

- Cease this!

[baby cooing] - Who is responsible for this?

There is no place for disrespect

in a civilized society.

[laughter]

- What did--oh! Damn you.

[laughter]

Ugh.

[cat meows] Hey, hey!

[laughter] - Oh.

* *

Ugh! - Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Consarn you, Rantallions!

- My attention is easily diverted.

- Remember how we were all into knees?

- A pox on the lot of you! Smallpox, specifically!

- [gurgling]

- I blame you for this misbegotten circus!

- You know, very few people

actually ever become influencers.

And when they do, they're respected

more than, like, the President of the United States.

You should be proud.

- [muttering] Well, of course.

On Earth, I served as President,

and in Hell, I have become so much more.

Carry on, Beans. Carry on.

- Good work today, Beans. I am proud of you!

And I love that joke about influencers

outdoing the President.

- That was true.

- Holy shit.

[upbeat music]

* *

- Coma!