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1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,568
♪
2
00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,483
Man, I love weekdays.
3
00:00:05,527 --> 00:00:07,485
I know, right?
4
00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:09,357
The weekends are all
"go, go, go."
5
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,577
I need five full days
to just chill.
6
00:00:12,621 --> 00:00:13,665
[cellphone rings]
7
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,667
Hello?
8
00:00:15,711 --> 00:00:17,471
ROGER: Francine, I'm having
a character emergency.
9
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,410
There's a small, brown bag
in the fridge.
10
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:22,457
I need you to bring it to
1466 Hemlock Street right now.
11
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:26,243
Ooh, Roger wants me
to deliver a creepy package
12
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:27,940
to one of his characters.
13
00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:29,942
I can't wait to see
what he's up to.
14
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,815
I bet it's, like,
a bunch of human anuses
15
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:35,035
he's gonna dump into
the fountain at the mall.
16
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,384
Ooh, ya think?
17
00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:38,908
I swim in that fountain
sometimes.
18
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,432
There it is.
Gimme, gimme!
19
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:44,087
Just carrots?
20
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:47,308
Unless that's something fun
21
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,093
like toddler fingers
covered in Cheeto dust?
22
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:51,703
Yeah, right.
23
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,662
Naomi Carcaterra doesn't have
the metabolism
24
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,403
the other gals in the office do.
25
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,753
We're doing ice-cream cake
for Jill's birthday,
26
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,296
and I want to fill up
on something healthy
27
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,973
so I'm not tempted.
28
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:04,151
You had me come all the way
out here for this?
29
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:05,717
This is so unlike you.
30
00:01:05,761 --> 00:01:08,111
This is so... boring.
31
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:10,505
Boring? [laughs]
No, no, no.
32
00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:12,507
Naomi can curl her tongue.
33
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,031
Look.
Doesn't it look like a taco?
34
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,598
I think it looks like a taco.
35
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,210
♪
36
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,908
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
37
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:26,390
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
38
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:29,480
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
39
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:33,484
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
40
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,878
♪
41
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:39,055
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
42
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,318
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
43
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,580
Aah!
44
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,582
♪
45
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:49,805
WOMEN:
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
46
00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:51,546
Good news, everybody.
47
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,176
The doctors figured out
why you're seeing birds
48
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,592
when there aren't
any birds around?
49
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,420
Better.
50
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,683
They mailed us the tickets
for our cruise.
51
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,468
Hot damn.
We're really doing it.
52
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:03,732
- All right!
- Unh, big boat time!
53
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,951
It says they recently converted
their infirmary
54
00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,605
to a Teen Hang Zone.
55
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,041
Oh, hell yeah!
56
00:02:09,085 --> 00:02:11,479
I dominate
in international waters.
57
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:13,283
I got the skimpiest little
teal bathing suit...
58
00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,222
Little teal bathing suit.
Yes.
59
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:16,875
How does Hayley
do the high seas?
60
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,182
No food, no water.
61
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:21,750
Piña coladas only.
62
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,708
You know what
I'm looking forward to?
63
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,971
Swimming in a pool
with 30 people
64
00:02:26,015 --> 00:02:27,756
who have active diarrhea.
65
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,932
F'ing "A," we're doing a cruise.
66
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:32,804
- Whoo!
- Yeah-ha-ha!
67
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,937
What's for dinner?
I'll just take a nibble.
68
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,982
Ate an entire
ice-cream cake today.
69
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,202
Well, look who it is.
70
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:41,161
Would you believe
this bum had me drive
71
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,598
all the way
out to Chimdale Acres
72
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,470
just to bring carrots
to some boring-ass character?
73
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,559
Wow, Chimdale Acres?
74
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:50,735
No one ever goes out there,
unless, of course,
75
00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,800
you're looking for the best
trade-in price for your Toyota,
76
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:55,218
Nissan, or anything
from the Chrysler family.
77
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,178
Well, sadly, I wasn't out there
to get an unbeatable deal
78
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,658
from Carruthers Auto Mall,
Steve.
79
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:04,793
Instead, I was experiencing one
of Roger's lamest personas yet.
80
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:06,490
What?
Naomi's great.
81
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:09,014
She's thinking about
joining Costco.
82
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,407
Naomi?
83
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:11,669
In Costco?
84
00:03:11,713 --> 00:03:13,671
I mean, come on.
85
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,369
What happened, Roger?
86
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,980
The beauty of my characters
is their diversity.
87
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:19,590
They can't all be
serial killers.
88
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:23,551
Your last serial-killer persona
never even killed anyone.
89
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:26,031
He got sidetracked going to
estate sales in the desert.
90
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:28,773
People are basically giving
away turquoise out there.
91
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,645
Wow, Roger.
92
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,777
Have you lost your edge?
93
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:34,301
How dare you?
94
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,346
I'm the same old Roger
I've always been.
95
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:38,043
I don't know.
96
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,176
You were just Ricky Spanish
for a whole week,
97
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,222
and you spent the entire time
on the computer,
98
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,746
quietly rating movies on IMDb.
99
00:03:44,789 --> 00:03:46,356
You've clearly lost something.
100
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,837
I haven't lost anything,
and I'll prove it to you.
101
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,187
[crying]
102
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,972
Man, he really took the air
out of this dinner.
103
00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:55,800
You know what'll steer us back?
104
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,586
♪ Little teal ♪
105
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:01,241
♪ Bathing suit, bathing suit,
bathing suit ♪
106
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:03,286
- Whoo! Oh, yeah.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
107
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,290
- Yeah! I made him.
- ♪ Little teal bathing suit ♪
108
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,465
[door opens, closes]
109
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,424
Told ya I haven't lost it.
110
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,861
I just pulled off
the world's greatest heist.
111
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:16,299
Behold the Mona Lisa.
112
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:19,737
What the?
Dr. Slippy's Boner Grease-a?
113
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,826
Aah, my partner set me up!
114
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:24,089
Or, I'm not an art expert,
115
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,178
but is this the Mona Lisa?
116
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,312
Aaaah!
117
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,661
Roger, what is it?
118
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:33,316
Meet Winston Equity III.
119
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,468
I found a bunch of guys
who look kind of like Vin Diesel
120
00:04:35,492 --> 00:04:38,190
and set up a "Boiler Room" -style
brokerage firm.
121
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:41,150
Now we're about to get rich
to the tune of... wait.
122
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,500
IT hasn't set up
our computers yet?
123
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:45,415
We haven't made or lost
any money!
124
00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:47,243
Aaah!
125
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,419
I'm Mike Microscope,
126
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,682
and I figured out
how to clone people.
127
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:52,901
Feast your eyes.
128
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,076
Nice try.
129
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:56,078
I've already seen
the Vin Diesels.
130
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:58,733
Damn it.
Personas are hard.
131
00:04:58,776 --> 00:05:01,605
♪
132
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:04,869
Hey, whatever happened with
your girlfriend from the museum?
133
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:07,785
The old lady? I still haven't
broken up with her.
134
00:05:07,829 --> 00:05:08,917
I know, I know.
135
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,353
I-I just really feel like
136
00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,400
natural causes
are gonna bail me out.
137
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,837
Welp, time to face the music.
138
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,317
My personas stink,
139
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,623
and I can't pull off
wacky shenanigans anymore.
140
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,669
I really have lost my edge.
141
00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:24,889
Oh, I'm sorry I was so right.
142
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:26,891
Is there anything
I can do to help?
143
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:30,417
Well, I got 9,000 uninspired
years before I die,
144
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:34,682
so just humor me
and my dull personas.
145
00:05:34,725 --> 00:05:37,554
Maybe take a little girl...
whose only noteworthy quality
146
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:40,818
is her ability to chew raisins
very thoroughly... to the park.
147
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:44,169
Of course.
148
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:46,650
Well, now that I'm all alone,
149
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,218
I can drink the grease directly
out of the pepperoni cups
150
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,525
without a single iota of shame.
151
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,614
[door opens]
152
00:05:53,657 --> 00:05:55,833
You're disgusting.
153
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:58,358
Noooooooo!
154
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:04,929
Mm, I'm really pulverizing
these raisins.
155
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,018
It's probably nothing,
156
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,499
but I feel like
everyone's looking at us.
157
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,414
You're crazy.
158
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:15,113
Oh, my God!
It's little Bonnie Ramirez!
159
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,854
That is her, the pageant girl
160
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:19,204
who went missing
three years ago.
161
00:06:19,248 --> 00:06:23,339
Bonnie's alive,
and that woman kidnapped her!
162
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,908
Yes, it is me,
little Bonnie Ramirez.
163
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,432
Someone please free me
from this monster.
164
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,999
[gasping]
165
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,741
Roger, what the hell
is going on?
166
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:36,831
Decided to dust off an old
chestnut to teach you a lesson.
167
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,964
You're about to be charged
with child abduction.
168
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,619
[tires squealing]
169
00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:45,143
Who's lost their edge now,
you perv?
170
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,190
WOMAN: That poor,
confident little girl.
171
00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:50,192
NARRATOR: Tonight on
Unsolved Mysteries
172
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:56,285
The New Class,
an Iowa woman is just gone,
173
00:06:56,328 --> 00:06:58,505
and a little boy
who can draw Manny
174
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,898
from Modern Family perfectly,
175
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:04,162
even though he's never
heard of the show.
176
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:07,383
Could something supernatural
be at play?
177
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,082
But first, we have an
Unsolved Mysteries update.
178
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:14,521
Three years ago,
child-pageant queen
179
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:17,175
Bonnie Ramirez went missing.
180
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:21,397
With no clues left behind,
Bonnie was gone forever.
181
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,705
Until this week, when she
was spotted at the park
182
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:28,535
with a woman
going by Francine Smith.
183
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:30,275
Authorities believe
Smith has been
184
00:07:30,319 --> 00:07:34,366
holding little Bonnie captive
this entire time.
185
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,760
Smith is now in police custody
186
00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:39,502
and scheduled
for trial this week.
187
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:42,592
And additionally, to
the growing number of viewers
188
00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:46,509
posting online that I'm the one
kidnapping all these kids,
189
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,990
see? Not me.
190
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:54,212
Your mother's obviously
gonna be fine.
191
00:07:54,256 --> 00:07:56,911
This is just some silly feud
between her and Roger.
192
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,957
But I do have one concern...
the cruise.
193
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,611
We were supposed
to go this week.
194
00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:03,831
And I'd argue we still should.
195
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:07,095
A trial like this can't be easy
on the family of the accused.
196
00:08:07,138 --> 00:08:08,966
I think we deserve a getaway.
197
00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,794
We'd be back before the verdict.
198
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,535
- I'm in.
- Wonderful.
199
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:14,668
There is just one more issue.
200
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,887
Your mom purchased
the cruise in her name,
201
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,455
and Party Artie's
Floating Family Shitshow
202
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,978
won't let us onboard
without her.
203
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:25,635
We just need someone
who can pass for her.
204
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:27,202
She looks like Mom.
205
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,421
HAYLEY: Maybe more like
Mom than Mom.
206
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,293
In my head,
when I think of your mom,
207
00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:33,077
I now picture this woman.
208
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:35,079
It's settled.
We're going on the cruise.
209
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,038
It's what Francine...
and by that,
210
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,170
I mean this woman...
would have wanted.
211
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:44,219
[buzzer, door clicks]
212
00:08:44,262 --> 00:08:46,700
Your court-appointed
attorney's here.
213
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:49,354
Him? Unh-unh.
No way.
214
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,401
Sorry. No one else is willing
to defend a monster like you.
215
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,621
- [growls]
- Aaaah!
216
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,579
What the hell have you
gotten me into?
217
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,581
I'm going on trial!
218
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:01,323
Wow, sounds like
the work of someone
219
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:03,281
who hasn't lost their edge.
220
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,587
Jesus, Roger.
221
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,458
I admit it, okay?
222
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:08,591
You haven't lost your edge
or you're not washed up
223
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,245
or whatever this is about.
224
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:13,378
Just tell everyone I didn't
do it so we can end this.
225
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:15,250
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
226
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:16,991
You're just telling me
what I want to hear
227
00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,602
because you're desperate,
but I'm gonna show you
228
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,605
I've still got it
and in undeniable fashion.
229
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,607
No.
230
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:27,741
I'm gonna give the performance
of my life as little Bonnie,
231
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,743
bringing you
to the brink of conviction,
232
00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:32,746
only to be topped by
my public-defender character...
233
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,748
Ed Dickle,
the ultimate showman...
234
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,488
who's gonna rake
that little girl
235
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,447
over the coals to get you off.
236
00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:41,145
Let's get to work.
237
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,147
What's this?
238
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:46,760
An even smaller briefcase?
239
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,936
Another?
240
00:09:48,979 --> 00:09:50,633
A key?
241
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,722
But to what?
242
00:09:52,766 --> 00:09:54,768
This.
243
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,944
The ultimate showman!
244
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:59,511
Oh, here's my phone bill.
Hang on.
245
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,446
I should knock this out
while I'm thinking about it.
246
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:02,993
Got a charge on here
I don't recognize.
247
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:05,996
WOMAN:
Your call is important to us...
248
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,432
Trust me, you want this resolved
249
00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,565
so I can give your case
full focus.
250
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,480
[hold music playing]
251
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,395
Can you even pull this off,
252
00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:15,615
Bonnie and the lawyer
in the same room?
253
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:18,748
You forget I got
super-speed, baby.
254
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:20,924
[slow-motion] Roger!
255
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,036
Sorry, was trying
to do something cool there,
256
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,235
but you get the point.
257
00:10:27,278 --> 00:10:28,715
I'm over here now.
I'm fast.
258
00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:31,021
So you were the real
Bonnie Ramirez, huh?
259
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,110
Yep. But got bored with
the whole pageant thing,
260
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:35,069
so I just wandered off one day.
261
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,133
Didn't think the family
was gonna make
262
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,811
such a big deal about it.
263
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:39,658
I mean, they only knew her
for like five years.
264
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:41,118
JAG was on twice that long,
265
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:43,207
and no one's crying about
that going off the air.
266
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:46,341
Oh, God, such a good show!
267
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,952
[horn blows]
268
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:51,868
Thank you so much for coming
with us, Isabella.
269
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:53,827
It's the least I could do.
270
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,090
This must be a very hard time
for you.
271
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,440
Good thing I'm literally
in Margaritaville
272
00:10:58,483 --> 00:11:00,355
with all these piña coladas.
273
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,270
- Mmm.
- Hey, Steve.
274
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:04,378
Am I gonna see your moves
in the dance contest tomorrow?
275
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,970
Y-You... You know it.
276
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,016
You know that badass?
277
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,627
She's the only kid I couldn't
bully off the foosball table.
278
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,542
I met her at the Teen Hang Zone,
279
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:15,631
but it's not gonna matter
after tomorrow.
280
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,720
She's expecting me to perform
in the dance contest,
281
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:18,982
and I'm terrible.
282
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:21,115
You know, Steve, I used to dance
283
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:23,552
competitively back
in Johannesburg.
284
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,162
I could show you a few steps.
285
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,338
Wow, that would be amazing.
286
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:29,384
Root beer, red wine,
287
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,081
another piña colada
for the lady,
288
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:34,128
and an Arnold Palmer
for the gentleman.
289
00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:36,826
Stan, what's wrong?
290
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:39,176
It's just this
is an Arnold Palmer,
291
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:42,484
and I asked for
a triple-vodka Coke.
292
00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:44,399
It's fine.
It's basically the same thing.
293
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:46,967
Stick up for yourself, Stan.
294
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,752
You're the only man here
wearing a shirt to dinner.
295
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:53,190
You deserve to be treated right.
296
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:54,626
Hi. Excuse me.
Sorry.
297
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,193
I hope it's not
too much trouble,
298
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:58,718
but I actually ordered
a triple-vodka Coke,
299
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,110
and, for some reason,
300
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,546
you chose to [bleep] me
in the face
301
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:04,898
with what looks like
a glass of piss and shit.
302
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,465
Now, get me what I ordered
before I shoot you to death
303
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,119
in front of this crowd
full of drunks.
304
00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,294
Please.
305
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,122
All right, Dad!
306
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,515
[gavel bangs]
307
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,125
Little Bonnie,
308
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:18,433
please take a look
around the room.
309
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:20,478
Is the person who imprisoned
you here today?
310
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:21,566
Yes. Her.
311
00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,046
Pink dress.
312
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,395
Oh, it was horrible.
313
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,920
She made me call her "Mama God."
314
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,836
She kept me in a cage
and only fed me moths.
315
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:30,924
[jurors gasp]
316
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:34,579
Actually developed
a taste for 'em.
317
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:38,366
[panting]
318
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:41,369
Mm. Did I miss anything
while I was gone?
319
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,371
Aunt Becky from Full House
up to anything?
320
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:45,416
[laughs] I'm just playing.
321
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,897
Even I heard about that
college-admissions scandal.
322
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,682
Yep, Mama God told me
and Nancy all about it.
323
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:52,206
I'm sorry. Who?
324
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,034
Oh, Nancy was just
one of the many,
325
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,950
many other children mashed
into that cage with me.
326
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:58,429
[spectators gasp]
327
00:12:58,473 --> 00:13:01,389
You're supposed to tell me
everything.
328
00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:03,870
So, Mr. Dickle,
it's your turn
329
00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,916
to cross-examine little Bonnie.
330
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,440
Finally, our side of the story.
331
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:10,833
All good, dude.
332
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,096
Are you sure?
I'm in pretty deep here.
333
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,795
Relax. I got an ace in the hole.
You're golden.
334
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,666
Very well, Mr. Dickle.
335
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:19,886
You may now call
your first witness.
336
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:23,715
Time to see why the call Ed
the ultimate showman.
337
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:24,978
[whistles]
338
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,458
♪ Living in America ♪
339
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:31,419
♪
340
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:32,812
♪ Hit me ♪
341
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:33,900
Black belt.
342
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,641
♪ Living in America ♪
343
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,034
♪ Yeah ♪
344
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:39,296
♪ I walk in and out ♪
345
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,733
[chuckles]
Ed Dickle has acquired a tape
346
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:44,867
of the actual abduction
three years ago.
347
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:49,045
Mr. Dickle,
this is not how trials work,
348
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,874
especially not here at
the Chimdale County Courthouse
349
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,137
presented by
Carruthers Auto Mall.
350
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:57,140
All evidence must be
submitted in advance.
351
00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:00,970
I couldn't submit it in advance.
I staged it last night.
352
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,017
It's okay.
353
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,366
There's got to be another
354
00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,890
ace in the hole here somewhere.
355
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,457
Here. Don't hang up.
356
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,285
I'm still on hold
with the phone company.
357
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,417
This is Sarah B.
How may I assist you today?
358
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:15,419
Oh, my God! Have someone else go
for a minute.
359
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,073
Sorry, Sarah, I'm here.
360
00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:18,790
Do you happen to
have my bill in front of you?
361
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:21,382
[dance music playing]
362
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:25,168
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
363
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,562
YOUNG MAN: Is that his mom?
364
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:30,434
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
365
00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:33,437
♪ Ombligo con omligo ♪
366
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,657
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
367
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:38,442
♪ Dale, que te sigo ♪
368
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:43,621
♪ Choka, choka, cho...
Pero muévete conmigo ♪
369
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,189
[panting]
370
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,582
Sorry, everybody.
371
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:50,802
It wasn't supposed
to be that sexy.
372
00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:53,849
Steve, what you just did on
the dance floor with your mom...
373
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,416
Yeah?
374
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,984
...is exactly why I want
to have a son one day!
375
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,335
I always knew you had talent.
376
00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:02,902
It just took a complete stranger
377
00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:06,470
making the smallest effort
to unlock it.
378
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,037
- Sister!
- Oh, my God!
379
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,778
- [splash]
- What do we do?
380
00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:13,129
Listen, everything will be okay
if we act fast.
381
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,480
I'm going in after her.
382
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,961
Stan, go tell the captain
to stop at once.
383
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,311
Steve, offer your coat
to the girl.
384
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,357
The girl, accept it,
and give Steve a kiss.
385
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,837
Bye-by-y-y-y-e!
386
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,323
Mwah!
387
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,456
Iceberg...
388
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:38,850
lettuce is the crunchiest
lettuce!
389
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,636
Gimme those binoculars.
390
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,247
♪
391
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,336
[munching]
392
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,772
[door opens]
393
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,774
ROGER:
That was a quick deliberation.
394
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,689
But cuttin' our lunch
break short must mean
395
00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:53,561
they can't wait
to give us the good news.
396
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,128
This can't be happening.
397
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:58,870
The jury finds Francine Smith...
398
00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:01,134
oh, thank God... guilty.
399
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,483
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
400
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:05,007
Okay, let's wrap this up.
401
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:08,010
Mr. Dickle, pick a number
between one and four.
402
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,838
- Four!
- Perfect.
403
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:13,755
I hereby sentence Ms. Smith
to four life sentences.
404
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:16,410
I just assumed you'd find a way
out of this like you always do.
405
00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:19,891
Yeah, me too.
406
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,197
But you didn't.
407
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,633
[crying]
408
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:25,245
Oh, my God.
409
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:27,247
It's just hitting me
what happened here.
410
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:29,640
I really have lost my edge.
411
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:35,646
I'm nothing but
a washed-up fool now.
412
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,561
Life comes at you fast.
413
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,302
One minute, you're on top
of the world,
414
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,912
and the next you're explaining
415
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:43,915
what just happened
to nobody in the kitchen.
416
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:47,876
Boy, I tell ya, the Internet
is a wonderful place.
417
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,226
Everybody is so supportive.
418
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,707
Whoa, you look terrible.
419
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,796
Get used to it.
This is the new me.
420
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,363
The washed-up me.
421
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,191
The me who doesn't have
his edge anymore.
422
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,062
What happened?
423
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,127
Francine went to prison
for kidnapping some little girl.
424
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:03,631
Oh, damn!
425
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,154
You lost that case?
426
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:08,201
Yep. The old me would've
weaseled her out of it,
427
00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:11,987
but she's in prison now
'cause I blew it.
428
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,817
A tragic ending for ol' Rog.
429
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,601
You guys,
the cruise was awesome.
430
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,429
I should've died!
431
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:22,389
And I got robbed by
a 30-year-old Romanian stowaway
432
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,434
pretending to be a teenage girl.
433
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:28,090
But guess who got a kiss first.
434
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,787
You look like hell.
Get cleaned up,
435
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:30,982
and we'll drive to court
together.
436
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:32,790
Mm, we lost.
437
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:34,009
She's in prison forever.
438
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,837
- What?!
- Oh, my God!
439
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,231
Roger, I have decided
to hurt you.
440
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,624
You must be Uncle Roger.
441
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,028
Why don't we go
to the living room,
442
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,411
and I can hear your side
of the story?
443
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:47,066
Stan, listen.
I have an idea.
444
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,850
I got the mail every day
you were gone,
445
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:51,635
so I think I should get
extra allowance this week.
446
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,028
That's your idea?
447
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,683
Ple-e-e-ase!
448
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,554
And now Francine's in prison,
449
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,513
and it's all because
I lost my edge.
450
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,689
I'm washed up. I'm done.
451
00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,734
Listen to yourself.
452
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:07,521
Your friend's locked up,
and all I hear is, "I, I, I."
453
00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:10,698
Wow.
You missed a ton of what I said.
454
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:13,396
The best way to get back
on track is to forget
455
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,964
about the "I's"
and focus on others.
456
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:19,141
You know, that actually
makes a lot of sense.
457
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:22,971
But where do I...
sorry, where do me begin?
458
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:26,453
Well, for starters, have you
even visited Francine yet?
459
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:27,976
No.
460
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,499
We're going to visit her
right now.
461
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,501
- I'll gather the others.
- Love it.
462
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,764
Would follow you to the end
of the Earth.
463
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:36,115
One quick question...
who are you?
464
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,162
[buzzer]
465
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:41,226
- Mom!
- It's so good to see you.
466
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:42,295
My girl.
467
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:43,731
[door closes]
468
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:45,167
Who the hell is that?
469
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,386
That's Isabella.
470
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,344
She played you in
a TV reenactment.
471
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:49,756
And in the cruise
we took without you.
472
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,434
She's awesome.
473
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:55,003
And, most importantly, she
showed me how selfish I've been.
474
00:18:55,046 --> 00:18:58,485
If I wasn't so concerned about
proving I still had my edge,
475
00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,226
there's a chance
you wouldn't be in here.
476
00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,531
A chance?!
477
00:19:01,575 --> 00:19:03,359
A very good chance.
478
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:06,362
Francine, Isabella taught me
something special...
479
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:08,495
how valuable
helping others can be.
480
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,105
So with that said...
481
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,677
H-H-How did I get in this?
482
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,939
What's going on?
483
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,680
Time's up. Come on.
484
00:19:19,723 --> 00:19:22,726
No!
I didn't do anything!
485
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:26,077
I'm not supposed to be here!
486
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,949
Listen to all those "I's."
487
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,994
Focus on how selfless it is
488
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,388
to do four life sentences
for someone.
489
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:33,563
We got to get out of here.
490
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:35,435
[buzzer]
491
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,830
Did you see that?
492
00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,528
I just imprisoned
an innocent woman
493
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:44,008
and freed
a convicted child abductor.
494
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:45,967
How's that for edgy?
495
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,752
Couldn't we have solved this
without anybody going to prison?
496
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,972
That woman saved my life.
497
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:53,148
We could have, but then you
wouldn't have gotten to go
498
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,497
on your precious cruise.
499
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,413
Yes, I would... with Mom.
500
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:58,980
But then who would've
saved your life?
501
00:19:59,023 --> 00:20:01,374
Whoa.
502
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:03,767
Roger, if I didn't have
this seatbelt on,
503
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,160
I'd punch you right in the face.
504
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,510
No.
Thank you, Francine.
505
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,947
You were right.
I'd gotten complacent,
506
00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:12,602
and I needed your little push
to get back on track.
507
00:20:12,646 --> 00:20:14,343
And, boy, am I back.
508
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,606
You wanted
interesting characters?
509
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:20,306
Toga Gomez, NASCAR Vampire.
510
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:25,006
Jenna Diarrhea-Evans,
heiress to the diarrhea fortune.
511
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:28,357
Gord Gullmax,
Michael Jackson apologist.
512
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:31,404
Lieutenant Wingz,
enormous mosquito.
513
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,406
Wow.
514
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,210
I can't believe Mom almost spent
the rest of her life in prison
515
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,019
because she said
Roger lost his edge.
516
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:40,543
[chuckles] Geez.
Talk about overly sensitive.
517
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:43,024
Okay, Roger! I'm sorry!
518
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,201
You're not sensitive!
519
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,595
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
520
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,553
You're just telling me
what I want to hear
521
00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:51,859
because you're desperate.
522
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,991
No shit I'm desperate!
523
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,298
- You sweared.
- Aah!
524
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,995
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!
525
00:20:58,045 --> 00:21:02,595
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