Original subtitles

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

I can't support this activity any longer, Max.

Relax, Jack.

Only two more days and we move our whole disposal operation north,

out of your jurisdiction.

You promised me those barrels would be leak proof for 150 years.

Yeah, well.

A slight miscalculation. Look, it's this simple.

I have an obligation to produce paint thinner.

You have an obligation to provide

a place to dispose of the waste products.

I'm not afraid of you anymore, Potterdam.

If I have to expose the whole operation, I will.

I'll bring us all down.

I think you're smarter than that, Jack.

You can't pay me enough, Max.

You can kiss your chances of getting elected

mayor goodbye, Mr. City Councilman.

It's bigger than an election, Max.

[CAR STARTING]

BOSS?

There's a time and a place for everything, gentlemen.

You have an obligation to provide

a place for me to dispose of the waste products.

I got you.

Good morning.

You're listening to the Poorman on the world-famous KROQ.

And you still have time to call in on open-line,

where at 5am, let's face it,

we can talk about absolutely anything.

It's live, it's uncensored, and I'm not even using the tape delay

because this is prime time radio.

The 2 to 6 am show where management sleeps.

I gotta go to work.

[RADIO CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]

Could you leave your board? I may go out later.

My surfboard?

Yeah. You promised me last night.

Yeah, you can use it.

No tape delay. Here we are on open-line.

Good morning. You're on the air.

- Hi, Poorman. - Hi. Where are you calling from?

- South Bay. - Well what can I do for you?

Well, you see, my boyfriend just left me

and I'm really bummed cos I loved him a lot, you know.

Well, why did your boyfriend leave you?

He found me and his best friend in bed together.

Well, what do you expect him to do

if he found you in bed with his best friend?

I don't know. He could have maybe been

more understanding, you know.

Well, you got a problem that you're gonna have to work out.

- Yeah? - But not on my show.

[DIAL TONE] [LAUGHTER]

[GUNSHOT]

I hate politicians.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

Are we coming to work today, Mr. Taylor, or what?

Yeah, Walt, I'm flyin' out the door right now.

Let's see if my favorite little stewardess is up yet.

Lookin' good.

Oops.

Busted.

Fly those friendly skies.

Now that is the perfect relationship.

Wait a minute. Hello.

What are you looking at, pal?

Good morning.

Time for that morning cup of hot java.

Coffee for one. Three scoops, please.

Nice selection of wines.

Good California Chardonnay, a bottle of Dom.

No market brands in this house.

Only the best.

Now for some sliced papaya, if it's in season.

Shit! Mango. I should have known.

I wish I knew your name.

Carl.

I thought you were gonna be a no-show.

Almost.

Thanks.

[HORN HONKING]

Frost and Luzinski?

Yeah.

Hey, I don't know about you shitheads,

but we're on a time clock.

Let's move!

Gina walked out on me last night.

- Really? - Yeah. Moved all her stuff out.

Face it, you've been trying to bale out

of that relationship for a long time.

Yeah, I just didn't expect it to be so sudden.

[HORN HONKING] [CRASH]

Paybacks are a bitch, James!

- You seen my gloves, amigo? - In the glove compartimente.

Who, hey hey hey!

- Hey, mister! - Shut up, you dickhead.

Yes, I'm still here. Now, about those mailers.

First off, you guys did the colors wrong,

but I let that pass because I'm a nice person.

And now you're telling me,

with the election one week around the corner,

that the mailers are gonna go out late?

Well we're a little backed up-

If you don't get those mailers out by tomorrow afternoon,

I'm pulling the account.

- You're gonna pull the account? - Uh-huh.

- Umm... - Bye-bye.

Jerk.

I gotta hide this.

I've got a ton of things need your signature, Jack.

Can it wait?

No, and I also have a cassette of a band

that we might want to use for the fundraiser.

I figured since we're short on time,

you could give it a quick listen and decide.

I really don't have time for that.

If you like 'em, use 'em. You know I trust your judgment.

That's why I hired you as a campaign manager.

You gotta trust your staff.

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

Listen...

- You're doing a hell of a job. - Thank you, Jack.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- I didn't sleep for shit last night. - Why not?

Gina.

Gina, Gina. Gina!

Let her go, man.

Let her go.

I have, I have. She is historical.

She said she couldn't see herself

with a garbageman for the rest of her life.

Didn't you tell her you weren't gonna be a garbageman

for the rest of your life?

Didn't you tell her about our surf shop?

I told her.

I think she was getting pressure from her family.

- Her father never liked you. - Yeah, what does he know?

- Well, life's a bitch, right? - Ain't that the truth!

I tell you, Carl, this is the last year we throw trash.

- You said that last year. - Yeah, but this year I mean it.

You meant it last year.

- Hey, Carl, is this yours? - No, it ain't my color.

It's a bra, James.

Look at this smut.

[BICYCLE JINGLE]

Well, if it isn't the South Bay's finest.

What happened, Mike?

Did they take away your vroom-vrooms?

You see, this is the kind of scum

you're gonna have to get used to around here.

Jeff's new to the force, so I'm giving him the tour.

He's also my new partner.

So you're gonna be seeing a whole lot more of him.

Wonderful.

Yeah, you're gonna like it here, Jeff.

The air's clean, the women are beautiful

and the shifts are short.

You know, most of the folks here in Las Playas

are hard-working, with a future in mind...

with the exception of these two clowns.

They're part of the "Don't let this happen to you" crowd.

[CHUCKLES]

A word of warning, my garbage-toting friends,

from your friendly neighborhood peace officer.

I've got my eye on you both.

If you're not breaking the law now,

the smart money says that it's only a

matter of time before you will.

And you can bet that last dollar that

my ass is gonna be there to make the bust.

- Golf clap? - Golf clap.

[CLAPPING]

[BICYCLE JINGLING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

"Dear John. I'm sorry things didn't work out for us."

"You're a sweet man, and I'll always love you."

Ah!

You know, this is the kind of shit that really breaks me up.

- It's an epidemic, I tell ya. - What is?

Just women, relationships, all of it.

I never have a problem with it.

- Hi, James. - Morning, baby.

- That's cos you've got no heart. - What?

You've got no heart.

Who was the last girl you were serious about?

Betsy Sabetta.

Betsy Sabetta?

That was in the ninth grade and she had a harelip.

- She did not. - She did too.

- She did not! - Did too, did too.

- What do you know about her, anyway? - I know she had a harelip.

What an absolutely gorgeous day.

Warm sun, beautiful women.

And the air is just right for drinking.

Would you just look at all the activity that's going on down here, Carl.

It's close, man. I can see it.

Right here, right on the strand.

Carl and James' Surf Shop.

It's gold. It's gold, James. It's a gold mine.

Just think of the garbage business

as a way station on the road to Nirvana.

Well maybe now you're a single man again,

you'll be able to put more time and energy into it.

Whoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold on, wait a minute, just a second.

I have put a lot of energy into getting our surf shop together.

And we'd be a lot further along

if I didn't have to do the work for two.

Pardon me?

Let's not forget that it was me who chose

the bank that we went to to get our loan.

Let's not forget that we didn't even get the loan.

I mean it's not like you researched it, James.

You picked the name out of the Yellow Pages.

What exactly are...

Good God!

What exactly are you trying to say here, Carl?

What I'm trying to say, James,

is that sometimes you are completely hopeless.

- Really? - Yes.

- Hey, Carl. - Yeah.

What exactly did you mean by hopeless?

I meant exactly what I said.

I still don't understand.

Well, let's examine the word.

"“Hopeless." Less than hopeful. That's what you are.

But am I majorly hopeless or partially hopeless?

I would say majorly.

Why do you ask?

- I'll try to change. - No, you won't.

I need to talk to you, Leo.

Jack, nice to see you.

I need your help on something, Leo.

I know who's responsible for the

toxic dumping off Las Playas,

and I'm kind of involved.

Jesus, Jack.

I just never thought it would go this far.

Look, it's all on the tape. Listen to this.

[PARTY MUSIC]

What is this? Some kind of a joke?

This is not the right tape.

She took the wrong tape!

- What are you talking about? - The wrong tape!

Hey, wait a minute.

Come on. Let's do the nasty.

- Do we have to? - Yeah, afraid so.

- Nasty! - Nasty!

- Nasty! - Nasty!

Yeah, Dalton here.

Listen, Jack Berger was in here earlier today.

Claimed he knew who was responsible

for those Las Playas offshore dumpings.

Claimed he had some kind of a tape that could prove it.

I don't know. This might be nothing, but I thought you should know.

You did the right thing, Captain.

I'm sure it's nothing, but I appreciate the call.

- Any time. - Thank you.

A tape.

A goddamn tape.

Shrewd move, Berger.

Hey, boys! Where's your originality, huh?

[SCREAMING]

This means war, man.

Hey, this is shit. It's shit!

Get it off me, Frost! Get it off!

It's shit! It's shit!

It's payback time, you little shits!

Gentlemen, inside now.

- What's up, Walt? - Nothing too serious today.

I got a complaint about banging

trash cans on P Street at 6 am this morning.

You boys know anything about this?

No, sir.

Which one of you rolled the bowling ball

down the alley into Avenue H?

Can't help you there either, Walt.

In the two years you have worked here,

you have broken every city ordinance

that pertains to this line of work.

Well, you can't say we haven't been a lot of laughs.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm glad you have a sense of humor, Mr. St James.

Unfortunately, the majority of the people

in this community do not.

Now me, personally, I like you boys.

Which is why I'm giving you another chance.

Starting tomorrow, you boys will be riding with a third party.

What?

I have decided to send an observer along with you on your route.

A representative of Shoreline.

- Who's the observer? - My brother-in-law.

Consider yourselves on probation.

I suggest you be on your best behavior.

[LAUGHING]

[TOILET FLUSHING]

The nerve of Walt,

sending us on our route with a goddamn baby-sitter.

Don't worry about it.

What does a... phrenologist feel and interpret?

The size of Walt's asshole.

Wrong.

No, a phrenologist feels and interprets

the bumps on your head, skull features.

Very good.

Who was Richard Nixon's Chief of Staff

during the final days of Watergate?

Oprah Winfrey.

No, that was... Alexander Haig.

That's right.

What does gasoline...

[DISTANT SHOUTING]

Jack! Jack!

The tape! What did you do with the tape?

Jesus Christ!

What are you doing?

I hate shitheads who bully their women.

- So what are you gonna do? - Shoot him.

- What? - It's the principle, James.

With a pellet gun?

What are you gonna accomplish using that stupid thing?

It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation

without actually changing the course of history.

It also stings like a bitch.

Well, I'm glad that's over.

Carl, what are you doing? Everything's cool now.

Mister, it's nothing personal.

[GUNSHOT]

- Where do you think you got him? - Butt shot.

He'll never lay a hand on her again.

[LAUGHING]

You know what, asshole, I wouldn't have voted for you anyway.

- Stop it! Stop it! - What?

Shoot him in the head, his head's all over the place.

Oh, genius.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Touchdown! The tape! Touchdown!

Genius.

Man, this guy's really heavy. I gotta start working out.

- You should go to the gym. - I hate weights.

- You work on your cardiovascular. - What's that?

You know, get yourself on one of those life cycles.

What's that?

- Stationary bike. - Yeah? How are they?

They're great. They got...

cross-country skiing machines, things where you row.

Come on, get him in there. I wanna go eat.

Come on, come on, come on.

I got it. Start the car.

Right, Jack, I have the tape. I really hate...

Jack?

Jack?

[ROCK MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Touch that again and I kill you. I swear to God I'll kill you.

What'd I do?

Why don't you go a little bit faster,

see if you can put me through the windshield.

[ALARM]

[GLASS BREAKS] [CAT MEOWS]

Where the hell am I?

Time for work. Boy, oh boy.

James, do us both a favor.

Whatever you do,

don't give this observer guy a hard time today.

I figure if we behave ourselves,

show him that we're a couple of good guys,

we'll get him out of our hair a lot quicker.

OK.

For all we know...

he could be some crazed combat veteran.

[MARCHING MUSIC]

You're driving too fast.

So, Louis, you're Walt's brother-in-law.

That's great. Speaks highly of you.

What do you know about anything?

Walt's a nice guy.

His sister must be nice too. I've never met her, though.

When I feel like talking to you, I will look at you.

Gotcha.

You writing stuff about us? Sorry. Sorry.

This sucks.

What did you say, son?

The name is James.

Well, James, if you expect to keep this job,

I suggest you tell me what it was you were mumbling over there.

James.

I said this sucks.

And, basically, so do you.

[LAUGHING]

You little... I'll show you not to talk to me like that!

Hey, hey! Goddammit!

This Louis guy's a total nightmare.

He's not playin' around, let me tell you, James.

Yeah, I feel really bad about that, Carl.

Probably not as bad as I do.

- James, promise me something. - What?

No matter what you do, do not provoke this guy.

- Promise. - I'm serious.

I promise.

- How's that nose? - It's OK.

I still owe one to the intended receiver.

You know, man, you're a total pain in the a-

Now, James, Louis is gonna be with us for the next couple of weeks.

Accept this as fact.

Now why don't you guys shake hands and stop behaving like children?

- Put it on the back of your neck. - Thanks.

There are several sacred things in this world

that you don't ever mess with.

One of them happens to be another man's fries.

Now, you remember that,

and you will live a long and healthy life.

James.

- James. - What?

I think you'd better get over here and take a look at this.

What is it, Carl?

Just take a look.

What the hell is this, Carl?

It's a dead human being, James.

Yeah? What's he doin' on our route?

Oh, looky here.

Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy.

And he sure looks a hell of a lot like that dude.

We're screwed.

What do you mean "we"? You pulled the trigger, pal.

Look, Louis, we gotta talk.

You see, Louis, Carl sort of knows this guy.

- So? - I don't know him at all.

What I'm trying to say is he shot him.

With a pellet gun!

- But he thought he hit him in the butt. - I did hit him in the butt.

You two seem to be in some serious shit here.

I need a drink.

Look, Louis, I know that I did not kill this man.

You see, last night this guy here was beatin' on his old lady,

so I took upon myself to end the dispute.

- So you shot him? - With a pellet gun.

So you said.

- And you shot him from where? - From my apartment.

So how in the hell did he end up here?

Why don't you ask him?

Have some. It'll settle your nerves.

My nerves don't need settling!

What is the maximum sentence for murder?

I did not murder anyone!

Jesus Christ, James, whose side are you on?

I am not taking sides.

Yes you are, you've already convicted me.

As far as you're concerned, I'm on my way to death row.

Now Carl, come on.

Let me tell you something, pal, you are in it as much as I am.

You were there. That makes you an accomplice.

Look, you little bastard, I never wanted you to do it in the first place.

I was totally against it.

Try explaining that to the judge.

I am not gonna have to explain anything to any judge.

- This is your ball game, Carl. - You are an asshole!

- And you are a trigger-happy idiot! - I'm not gonna rot in prison alone.

You're not gonna mess up my life, you son of a bitch!

Hey!

You and your stupid pellet gun!

- Get off of me! - I'll kill you!

You're a stupid man! You're a stupid little man!

I said enough! I said cut it out!

Hey, you! I said knock it off!

Now look, unless one of you two guys took a piece of rope or a piece of wire

and strangled this guy, I'd say you're both in the clear.

How the hell do you know?

You can tell by the marks on his neck.

Look at that.

Pretty sloppy job, too.

Not a great idea to keep him out in the open like this.

[Elm

I don't like this, Carl. I don't like this one bit.

- I'm goin' to the cops. - What?

Looks like they're comin' to us.

I hate cops.

Well, well. Another fine day in the dumps, eh, fellas?

[BICYCLE JINGLE]

Who are your friends?

I've never seen you around here before.

Louis here works for the company.

He'll be ridin' with us for the next

couple of weeks to police our activities, so to speak.

- Is that right? - Yes, sir, Officer, sir.

- What about you? - He's...

I didn't ask you, garbageman.

I'm asking the punk who looks like he's had a few too many.

What the hell's the matter with him?

He looks friggin' dead.

Well, the boy's had a rough night.

He's, you know, a, you know, a...

a cousin of James.

He flew in from, uh...

Texas.

We were out late showin' him a good time.

Well wherever the hell he's from,

he shouldn't be out on the street in his condition.

I could haul you in, you know.

But for now I'm just gonna give you a warning.

- That's very kind of you, Officer. - Yeah, it is.

Now get him inside the cab of that truck

and make sure he stays there until he sobers up.

- Do I make myself clear? - Crystal, sir. Let's go.

Not so fast.

I've got the whole Las Playas police department clued into you two bozos.

You may have escaped me this time,

and all I can say is "Relish this moment, gentlemen."

This is wrong. This is just wrong, wrong, wrong!

We should have just told them.

Told them what?

That we found a body in the trash

that just happened to be Jack Berger,

the same man that I shot with a pellet gun?

Are you nuts?

Those guys are lookin' for any excuse to put us away.

Let's get outta here. We'll stash the body,

we'll get back to work and we'll figure this out later.

[TRUCK STARTS]

Son of a bitch!

I can't believe this. We lost the body.

Hey, relax. We didn't lose the body.

It's here somewhere, it's in a big yellow can.

How can we miss it?

What the hell do you mean, you've lost the body?

It just kind of fell out of the back of the car.

Oh, well.

Find it! Find it, find it, find it, find it!

Yes, sir.

Your very lives depend upon it, gentlemen.

- What the hell are you waiting for? - Sir, we did find the tape.

Oh.

Thank God.

You're excused.

[PARTY MUSIC]

- Wait a minute. The girl. - What girl?

- The girl we saw Berger fighting with. - What about her?

Well, maybe she had something to do with his death.

Yeah, so she strangles him, stuffs him in a barrel

and dumps him on the esplanade?

It makes a lot of sense, Carl.

You know...

That stiff's startin' to get a little gamy.

You guys come up with anything?

Carl seems to think that Berger's girl is somehow involved.

Louis, the last time that we saw Berger alive

was during that fight across from my apartment, right?

- It's not enough to go on, Carl. - Well it's a place to start, James.

How about starting by going to the police?

Something we should have clone in the first place.

Yo! Carl's right. It's a place to start.

We're not gonna accomplish a goddamn thing

standing around here.

So you guys are either with me or you're not.

I thought you knew how to rig that thing?

I followed the instructions.

You guys have anything good to eat in this place?

- I could order us a pizza. - Sounds great.

Pepperoni, extra cheese.

Maybe we should put old Milhous someplace a little less visible.

What do you say?

I need a large pepperoni, extra cheese,

to 828 Esplanade, apartment 405.

Last name, Taylor.

Yeah.

OK, what's the total on that?

Hey, Carl.

Hello.

She hardly looks like a cold-blooded killer.

What now, hotshot?

How about goin' over there and tellin' her

that we got her boyfriend's dead body sittin' in our shitter?

[CHUCKLES]

What are we gonna do?

Stand here watching her like a bunch

of long-distance Peeping Toms?

No.

- I'm goin' over there. - What?

- I'm goin' over there. - What for?

I don't know. Snoop around, see what I can come up with.

Carl, this is not some game.

What if you're wrong?

What if she didn't have anything to do with this?

Gee, James, you sound as if you're really worried about me.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Come on, guys. I'm not gonna get in over my head.

Well, that depends on which head you're talkin' about.

Look, we got your back.

If anything funny happens, don't be too shy to scream.

OK. Save me a slice.

Do you know where he keeps that gun of his?

What is he doing?

What am I doing?

Uh-oh.

[SCREAMING]

- Don't kill me! - What?

What? I'm sorry.

- Are you OK? - I'm fine. I've never been better.

- Do you live here in the- - I'm sorry if I-

You first.

- Do you live here in the building? - Yes, I do live here in the building.

For five years I've been in the building.

That's funny. I've never seen you here before.

Well, I lead a very... private life.

I'm a... a... phrenologist.

What exactly does a phrenologist do?

Well, I feel and interpret the size of Walt's asshole.

I mean, skull features.

Wow.

Not to impose, but if we can go inside and put some ice on this ankle,

that'd be great.

- Inside where? - Your apartment.

What's the matter with yours?

No, my ice machine is broken, and yours is right here.

Are you gonna refuse a wounded man in dire need of medical attention?

- No. - Thanks.

- But I didn't catch your name. - I'm Ted Blanston, the third.

Susan Wilkins, the first.

He's inside. He's inside her apartment.

Out that light.

What the hell's Carl doing?

I don't like this, man. I do not like this.

Shh.

Asshole!

The hell with this. I'm callin' the police.

No cops. I hate cops.

I'm sorry, which ankle was it?

It's the swollen one.

- I really appreciate this. - It's no trouble.

Are you friendly with the Cottlers?

- I think... - Second floor?

- Ron and Ann? - Oh, sure.

Well, I figured, since you're both doctors.

Right. We're all doctors.

Where exactly do you practice?

I got a small office down in the medical district and...

You know, I could really use a drink.

- Just one. - Me too.

Thanks.

- Sorry. - I could have brought it to you.

Thank you.

It's for the pain.

I rarely touch the stuff. Can I have another one?

I don't believe this.

They're doin' shots, for Christ's sake.

I can't believe I've never met you before.

I thought I knew just about everyone who lived in this building.

Well, as I said, I lead a very private life.

Very private life. Yeah.

You know, you're a very beautiful woman.

No, I mean that. I've always thought so.

What do you mean, always?

What I meant was that you've probably always been beautiful

and it's a shame that I'm just now discovering this.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Well, you did. You wanna switch to champagne?

Sure, if the Dom Perignon is chilled, that'd be perfect.

How did you know I had Dom?

How did I know you had Dom?

Doesn't everybody?

- Where are you going? - I'm going to the bathroom, Louis.

Jesus! Carl spends the evening with a beautiful woman

and I'm stuck here with a lunatic and a corpse.

I don't believe this guy.

[HUMMING]

I can't do this with you starin' at me.

- Who is it? - Pedro's Pizza and Pancakes.

Yeah!

OK.

- Large pepperoni, extra cheese. - Yes indeed, that's us.

- How much? - Eight bucks.

- How much? - Eight bucks.

OK. One, two,

three, four...

- What's going on here? - Mind your own business, son.

OK. Thank you, sir.

You've seen too much.

[YELLING]

Louis, what the hell are you doing?

He saw you with the body.

He could start all kinds of trouble.

So you kidnap him? Good solution!

Here, take the money. I won't say anything to anybody!

You bet you won't!

What the hell?

Extra cheese?

[THUD]

- You're a madman. - He was provoking me.

This situation has definitely gotten way out of hand.

Get back to that window and keep Carl covered.

Well what the hell do we do with him?

We need some rope.

[PHONE RINGING]

Are you gonna get this or what?

- Hello? - First, you lose the body,

and then you deliver me the wrong tape.

Now, I don't think that either of you personally

set out to destroy my company.

But I sent you out on a simple task.

And, simply put, you loused it up.

Now, apparently,

Berger had a special relationship with his campaign manager,

a Susan Wilkins, 825 Esplanade.

That's where we iced Berger, chief.

I know where that is.

Well...

Did it ever occur to you two idiots that she might have the cassette?

I think he wants us to kill some more people.

OK.

If I had my 16, I could pick her off so easily.

[MIMICS GUNSHOT]

[IMAGINARY GUN SOUNDS]

This is good. Did you make it?

Reporting from Hanoi Hilton. Yankee dogs, you might as well give up.

The war is lost. Jane Fonda was right.

Are you hungry? Would you like some?

- Don't give him any, James. - Why not? He might be hungry.

He's a prisoner, and he should be treated accordingly.

Have you completely lost your mind?

We're not soldiers and he's not the enemy. He's a pizza man.

Back in Phu Bai,

he would have been killed the second he knocked on that door.

I would've snapped his neck like a twig.

And he never would've seen it coming, either.

- Louis, Louis, calm down. - The Commie bastard gets no food!

[GONG SOUND]

Yeah.

Yes, indeed.

That is deep.

That is definitely deep.

Yes.

Hm.

That's an interesting one.

So is that one.

You were born through Caesarean, no?

No.

Well, it's not an exact science, of course.

Apparently not.

Mangoes. You love mangoes.

How did you know that?

Well, it's all here in the contours.

Yeah.

So, that's phrenology.

It's fascinating, no?

No. Weird.

You know what? First, let's take this off.

And let's do something.

We are doing something.

No, let's get out of here and do something.

- Like what? - I don't know, but it'll be fun.

Why this sudden burst of energy? My ankle's killing me.

Oh, your ankle. Come on.

- You want me to get this? - Oh.

Do you always look in people's trash?

Well, sometimes it's the best way to get to know 'em.

No, no, no. I wanna report a murder and a kidnapping.

- Murder and a kidnapping. - Yes, that's right.

- Did they take the body? - No, no, no. I have the body.

- Did you kill the victim, sir? - No, I didn't kill him.

Have you been kidnapped?

No, I'm not the one who's been kidnapped.

Listen, listen, listen, I know this sounds really strange-

I don't think we can help you, sir.

Well, fuck me!

Isn't that what the police are supposed to do, help people?

I am telling you...

[SCREAMING]

They're leaving. Let's go.

Dammit!

Let's move it! Come on!

The pizza clown goes with us.

Get him on his feet. I'll get Tricky Dick.

I want you to know, James, this is all going on my report.

That's great, Louis.

Just make sure you spell my name right.

Don't cross me, James.

All right, let's whack this broad and get the tape.

Jesus Christ. That's Berger.

What the hell?

Get back here, you goof.

- Who's the kid in the clown suit? - I don't know.

Oh'. Oh, GOG'. Oh, Christ'.!

Those bastards are gonna pay.

Oh, yeah. They're payin'.

Yo!

There's the broad. There goes the broad.

Come on, come on, come on, you moron.

Are we late for something?

- Faster, James, faster. - I got it to the floor, Louis.

Who are those guys?

How the hell am I supposed to know who they are?

And where do these guys get off, takin' our body?

Come on, we're losing 'em.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Oh, Christ.

- Oh, shit. - I've almost been waiting for this.

Now you see this here? This complicates things.

I just don't like killing cops too much.

Hey, forget about the body, okay?

They're the ones drivin' around with it.

I say we stay with the girl.

Potterdam says she might have the tape.

Hey, Biff, help me, all right. Who just died and made you king?

Hey, Mario, how about this? Your mother did.

Don't you ever say anything, ever, about my mother.

Your mother did, your mother did your mother did.

Mario!

- How do we handle this? - Just pull over.

OK, everybody. Act natural.

Well, well, well. Look who we got here.

I am in no mood for this right now, Mike.

Just write up the ticket so we can all get on with our lives.

Well, I might not be able to let you off so easy there, Jimbo.

See, you were doing 65 in a 35, and you ran a red light.

That's reckless driving as far as I'm concerned.

Who else you got in there with you, Jimbo?

Um, uh...

What the hell is going on in here?

You're... You're never gonna believe this, Mike.

I... we, uh...

[LAUGHS]

I'm totally floundering. I can't even come up with a good lie.

[CHUCKLES]

What'd I tell you, James?

I knew you were crooked and I knew I'd catch up to you sooner or later.

All right, everybody out of the vehicle right now.

- Don't do it! - Don't shoot!

- He's got a gun. - Don't shoot! Please, don't shoot!

Yeah, cop. I know you, man.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking,

"We got us another crazy nigger here with a gun."

Well, let me tell you, something: human life means very little

to me at this point in time.

You see, I thrive on misery. In the jungle, misery's all you got.

But things are different back here in the world, or so they seem.

Nobody wants to talk about pain and suffering.

Everybody wants everything to be nice and civil.

Well, OK, then. Let's be nice.

Let's be civil.

And let's drop those guns before I pull this trigger

and change the way you feel about me.

[GUN CLANGS ON GROUND]

Will the officer to the rear of the truck

kindly drop his revolver as well?

[FLASHLIGHT CLANGS ON GROUND]

[LAUGHS]

You know, you cops must really think I'm as dumb as you look.

Now, don't you know that when a flashlight hits the cement,

it makes a completely different sound than a revolver?

Let's be good boys, and do exactly as I say.

[GUN CLANGS ON GROUND]

OK, now, I want Mr. Sneaky Man

to come around and join his partner, Mr. Bonehead.

Sorry, GUYS-

You will swing for this, James. I shit you not!

I don't know, boys, but they look pretty goddamn sweet to me.

[LAUGHS]

What do you think?

[LAUGHTER]

What do you think?

How you doing?

I'm OK.

I think my body's gone into shock from all the alcohol.

I'd like to sit down, actually.

What was that for?

You didn't like it.

No, I liked it... a lot.

Then shut up.

[REGGAE MUSIC]

It feels like we're drivin' in circles.

Carl could be anywhere.

You want some?

Promise you're not gonna scream and cry if I take that gag off?

Now, if you're lyin', Louis'll have to bash you.

You do understand, don't you?

Thank you. Thank you.

- It needs sugar. - What?

Nothing.

It's not lookin' too good, is it?

- You givin' up? - I never give up.

I never have. Never once, James.

I'm gonna take us back along the esplanade.

Feels like a long shot to me.

At this point in time, everything's a long shot.

I can't see anything. Frost, gimme some light.

This is just a little uncool, Luzinski.

Our brouhaha is with Carl, not with the chick.

I'm just makin' a simple adjustment, nothing major.

Shake 'em up a little bit. Now, can I have some light, please?

Thank you.

- Come on, come on. Hurry up. - Oh, yeah.

Now let's find James, and teach that simple bastard a lesson too.

Hiya, kids. Are we having fun?

- Ted, what's happening? - Who the hell are you guys?

HEY, shut up, you!

What the hell is that?

- It's a taser. - A what?

A taser. 65,000 volts of electricity.

This thing completely incapacitates the victim without killing them.

I got it on sale.

Let's move it. Let's go.

Put your hands up.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Ted, I think you should do something.

If you come up with any ideas, please let me know.

We have the right to know what's going on here.

Hey, put a cork in it, sister. You have no more rights.

And you, buying a goddamn laser gun.

- Taser. - Whatever.

- You've always gotta be so different. - I'm in no mood, all right. Just lay off.

- No, you gotta be creative. - I said lay off.

When I say "now", start running.

You know, Biff, you're an amazing man.

You know shit about absolutely nothing.

Now I've just heard everything.

Hold it, honey.

You listen to me, you Italian son of a bitch, and you listen good.

The clay you tell me I don't know shit and I let you get away with it

is the day that that ocean freezes over.

- That's it. You're over. - Furthermore, you dumb bastard-

[SCREAMING]

Now!

- That's my car! - Looks pretty undriveable.

Come on!

Come on, come on. Let's go!

Ted!

Ted, what the hell's going on?

I left out a couple of things about myself.

I'm waiting, you son of a bitch!

First of all, my name isn't Ted. It's Carl.

So from now on when you yell for me in a panic, yell Carl.

Something tells me there's more.

OK, last night you and Jack Berger had a fight.

An argument in your apartment, right?

How the hell could you have possibly known that?

Look, Susan, I don't live in your building.

I am a garbageman. I live across the street from you.

Now, I have been watching you almost every day for the last six weeks.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute. You have been spying on me?

- I don't really consider it spying. - What would you consider it, then?

Let me finish! You and Jack had a fight, you left angry

and the next morning I found Berger's body in the trash.

- Jack's body? - Somebody killed him, Susan.

- For a while I thought it was you. - No, Jack is not dead.

Jack was over at my apartment last night.

Trust me, Jack is dead.

Jack came over because there was some mix-up with a tape

and I went down to my car to get the right tape and...

The tape, the tape.

This is what had Jack so worked up.

Come on, we gotta get this to the police!

- What the hell was that for? - For lying to me. I hate liars!

Hates liars?

That's for spying on me!

Come on!

[GROANING]

What happened?

It was something. You got struck by lightning.

- Really? - A freak storm.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

- Police! - Thank God.

- Police! - Hello!

Over here, by the playground.

Ew.

Sorry, GUYS-

Wait! It's not what it looks like. Please, give us a hand.

No, I'm really not into it, but thanks.

Carl! Come on, Carl.

Everything I ever said about you, just kidding.

He was.

You're not really gonna leave us here, are you?

That would be...

- Come on, come on, already! - About a thousand keys here.

- Try this one. This one. - I'm trying, I'm trying.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

- I got it! - Look out.

- Move! - Look out!

It's my turn, asshole!

[SIRENS WAILING]

- What is he doing? - What are you doing?

- I'm crashing! - Down!

[SCREAMING]

I'm back.

Let's go, honey.

Chief, we got 'em. We found 'em.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Maxwell Potterdam the Third.

Maybe you've heard of me.

California magazine just did a piece on me.

With the exception of being misquoted several times,

I thought it was a pretty good article.

Anyway, all that is... unimportant.

This... is what's important.

Let's put these folks in the car

and go someplace a little more noisy.

Come on, move it.

Hey

That's them. Getting into that limo.

What the hell's goin' on?

I don't know, but we're gonna find out.

[CAR STARTS]

I knew this was gonna get heavy.

A lot of good this thing is gonna do us.

A Pellet gun?

You've been holding me hostage all night with an air rifle?

- Shut up. - This is too much.

We gotta find a way in there.

I... I got a plan.

That oughta do them.

I would love to see those bastards try and top this.

I would pay a million pesos to see their faces when they try to stop this baby.

Hey, pal, the next time we see Carl and James,

it's gonna be Walt handing them their walking papers.

[JINGLING SOUND]

Somebody's coming.

You, over there.

Come on!

- Come on, move it. Get up there. - OK, OK, I'm going.

[TRUCK STARTS]

Oh we do live in extraordinary times.

The lengths one has to go to get the job done.

You're destroying the environment and you don't even care.

How do you do it? How do you live with yourself?

Gentlemen.

Although I'd prefer to dump you

along with the rest of this waste at the bottom of the Pacific,

recent disruptions in our operation have created a problem,

and now the Las Playas landfill will become your final resting place.

- Buried alive? - Oh, not to worry.

You'll probably run out of oxygen before we reach the dump site.

Seal 'em up.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Hold on, everyone!

Hey!

[BRAKES MALFUNCTIONING]

Something's wrong. We're not stopping.

- What? - We're not stopping!

[YELLING]

What the hell was that?

Why don't you move your ass and find out?

No, you two stay.

I want those barrels sealed. You two.

[ALARM WAILING]

- Everybody all right? - Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Get off of me.

[SHOUTING]

Come on, let's go.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

I am not some kind of comic-book superhero. I'm a pizza man.

- Stay here and keep an eye on him. - Yeah, right.

[TENSE MUSIC]

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

I want the trucks moving immediately.

I want every goddamn drop of waste dumped before the sun rises.

OK, Mr. Potterdam.

Go this way!

JESUS!

Holy shit!

[YELLING]

All right, I'll pick it up on my way back.

- Hi, Carl. - Hi, James. How are you?

Never better.

[HORN HONKING]

Susan! Come on.

Come on! We can't lose 'em!

- We're not gonna make it. - We'll make it.

[SIRENS WAILING]

South Bay Security. Freeze!

Rent-a-cops. I hate rent-a-cops too.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

Carl! What the hell are we doing?

I think I love this girl.

Really? How do you know?

She let me feel the bumps on her head.

Whoa!

- It looks like the bolt broke! - No shit!

[YELLING]

- Hang on. - OK.

[YELLING]

Trees! Trees!

- Carl! - What?

- How you doin' over there? - Piece of cake.

[YELLING]

You need help.

[GRUMBLES]

Carl!

James!

Hey! Carl!

I think I got a problem over here.

All right, let me think of something.

Hey, James, I didn't think of anything yet.

Hey, Carl! I definitely got a problem over here!

I'm coming.

[HORNS HONKING]

[SCREAMING]

I got you!

[CAR CRASHING]

Mr. Potterdam?

We're lookin' pretty outnumbered here.

I got an idea. Follow me.

- What the hell are you doing? - Protecting the environment.

- Freeze. - What are you...

Everybody freeze or I blow his head off!

- He'll really do it. - I'm not kiddin'.

- Don't push him. - I mean it.

His whole head.

You two with the weapons, over the side. Do it now!

Yeah, man, I know you.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking,

"We got us another crazy white boy with a gun."

Well, let me tell you something,

human life means very little to me at this point in time.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Relax, James, the cops are here.

This is the police. You all drop those weapons.

Yeah. Yeah, you! You there with the pellet gun,

drop it or I'll blow your butt away for sure, buddy.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING OVER POLICE BULLHORN]

[CHUCKLING]

A Pellet gun?

You think we'd use a pellet gun for something like this?

Get 'em!

[EXCITING MUSIC]

I gotta find Susan.

Susan!

Susan!

Uh-oh.

Stop 'em before they get away!

Susan! Susan!

Susan!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! What-

[YELLING]

Help!

[BANGING]

Susan.

Ow! Oh!

- Where are we? - You don't wanna know.

Carl! Carl, over here! Get down!

Come on. Move out.

Move! Everybody in the car.

- Get in! - Get the door open.

- Start the car. Start the car! - It won't start.

- Get out of the car! - Oh, shit!

Move it, move it, move it! Get out of the car!

Hi, let's have a play!

Ouch! Be careful!

[YELLING]

High five!

Your car, sir.

[SCREAMING]

[GOOFY MUSIC]

Smile, butthead.

[GUNSHOT]

[YELLING]

Whoa.

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, it's not what it looks like.

We're respectable peace officers.

It's just all one big, funny mix-up.

[BARKS]

Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here!

Get outta here!

Good morning! You're listening to the Poorman on open-line.

OK, we're gonna take our next caller.

Hello! You're on open-line. Go ahead.

Yeah, hi. My name's Stacey

and I have a boyfriend who I've been going out with for two years now.

He works nights as a delivery boy for a pizza place.

And last night he never came home

and I am just positive that he is out sleeping with another girl.

Well, I think you should definitely dump the dude!