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00:00:00,835 --> 00:00:03,065
ANNOUNCER:
You're watching The Simpsons.
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00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:05,300
You know your life sucks.
Just get drunk
like you always do.
3
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,766
Catch all-new episodes Sundays,
4
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:09,174
and check out our other Foxprograms, Brooklyn Nine-Nine,
5
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:11,306
Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.
6
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:14,212
What is this,
and how can I make the rest
of my life about it?
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00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:15,445
Only on Fox.
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00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,164
FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's
the first Saturday in September,
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00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:27,659
and that means one thing
in Springfield.
10
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,701
It's that time again.
11
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,827
Opening day of peewee football.
12
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,172
(over P.A.):
And everybody's headed
13
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,567
down to Child Soldier Field
to catch all the action.
14
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,139
It all comes down to this,
15
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,498
the first game of the year,
16
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,166
perfect season on the line.
17
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,674
And drunks are being rolled
off the field.
18
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,736
Ladies and gentlemen,
19
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,014
your Springfield Neutrinos!
20
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,313
(crowd cheering)
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00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:51,724
BART:
Huh?
22
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,719
NELSON:
Where'd everybody go?
23
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,720
BART:
I can't see.
24
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,561
(gasps) They over-
fogged the run-in!
25
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,017
They put those
kids in danger
26
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,655
just to psych
up the crowd.
27
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,190
Yeah, are you
psyched up now?
28
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,385
Huh? Are you?!
29
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,856
(players panicking,
helmets clonking)
30
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:06,865
Concussions!
31
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,437
Concessions!
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00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,572
(door dings)
Aah!
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00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,173
(anxious chatter)
34
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,735
My boy hit his head
doing football!
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00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,244
I'm a doctor's wife.
36
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,075
Save my boy first!
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00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:22,411
My boy needs an MRI!
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00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,416
(clamoring)
Ow!
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00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:24,417
Ow!
Ow!
40
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,718
Ow! Ow!
Oh!
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00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:26,719
(theme music playing)
42
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,020
With head injury concerns
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00:01:28,022 --> 00:01:29,792
on the mind,
the town has shut down
44
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,290
its peewee football program.
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00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,722
Professor, what
danger does this
46
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,726
concussion threat
truly pose?
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00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:35,758
Uh, well, Kent,
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00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,803
these children will
need their brains
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00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,798
unbruised for the demanding,
high-tech jobs
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00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,801
of the future:
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00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:45,272
polishing and buffing
our robot masters.
52
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,312
Indeed.
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00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,567
And here to
defend youth football,
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00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,635
we have... Nelson's dad.
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00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:50,813
Are you wearing makeup?
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00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,811
Is it worth the risk
to your son's health
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00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,313
when only .1 percent
of youth football players
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00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,616
make it to the pros?
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00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,617
You saying my boy doesn't
have what it takes
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00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,119
to play pro ball? Huh?
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00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,651
Boy, show him your moves.
62
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:02,785
Juke it, juke it!
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00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,960
(grunting)
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00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,259
Why are you dekeing it
when I said juke it?
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00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,291
Take a lap!
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00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:09,455
Without football, Kent,
(Nelson groans)
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00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,633
how are kids gonna learn
character like I did,
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00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,132
you stupid fruit-munch?
69
00:02:13,134 --> 00:02:15,604
And what is your problem,
smart-nuts?
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00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:16,603
(grunts)
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00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,674
Which brings us
to this question:
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00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,812
if not football,
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00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,207
what sport is safe
for our children?
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00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,781
But there are so many
club sports
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00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,680
that can eat up
all our free time.
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00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,822
What about baseball?
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00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,147
(scoffs)
Baseball--
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00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:32,482
rife with steroids!
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00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,986
Then test for steroids!
80
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:36,318
Oh and then there'll
be no home runs!
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00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,163
(all arguing)
Um, I think
I-I may have a solution.
82
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,160
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
83
00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,531
What about biathlon?
84
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,199
That teaches kids to ski
and kill.
85
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,328
How about Frisbee-golf?
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00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,932
If I could just
have your attention...
87
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,134
Hey, what about
Filipino tooth-fighting?
88
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:52,136
It builds biting,
jaw strength and mouth work.
89
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:54,309
The champion for a long time
was a dog.
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00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,478
(groans) No one is
listening to me.
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00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:57,807
Well, maybe no one
wants to hear
92
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,141
your ridiculous idea.
93
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:01,376
Let's go, we're late
for prenatal yoga.
94
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,482
Milhouse is ten.
95
00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,983
Why are we still doing that?
96
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,315
Poor Kirk.
97
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,650
No one listens to him.
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00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,985
Even Luann treats
him like garbage.
99
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,990
(sighs)
Love's funny like that.
100
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,032
Help him out.
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00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,157
Make people listen
to his idea.
102
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:16,362
Oh, why me?
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00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,833
I only came to this concert
104
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,671
because I was told
it was a potluck.
105
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:20,667
(grunts)
106
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,698
(groans)
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00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,004
(arguing continues)
108
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,506
Attention, smothering parents
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00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,639
who only came
to hear themselves talk!
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00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,514
You're an idiot!
(arguing quiets)
111
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:35,583
This guy has as much
right to bore us
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00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,023
as any of you!
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00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,417
Take it away, buddy.
114
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,649
(echoing):
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
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00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,154
"Buddy." Huh.
116
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:44,716
Um, I've got an exciting sport
117
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,525
that's great exercise
a-and teaches teamwork.
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00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:48,528
Lacrosse.
119
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,229
La-what?
What-cross?
120
00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:51,361
What-what?
121
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:52,355
Lacrosse.
122
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,196
It's the perfect combination of
123
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,671
America's two
least watched sports:
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00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,270
soccer and hockey.
125
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,412
(murmuring excitedly)
126
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,367
Any kid can learn
to play lacrosse.
127
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:03,606
Even this.
128
00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:05,378
(parents gasping)
129
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:08,079
This isn't a drive-in movie.
130
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,253
(parents gasping)
131
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,290
Everybody,
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00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,058
feel free to whip stuff
at my son's face.
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00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,117
(laughter
and indistinct chatter)
134
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,558
Yarr.
135
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,703
Now hold on there.
136
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,727
Lacrosse has the second highest
concussion rate,
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00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:26,873
right after football.
138
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,738
(chanting):
Safer than football!
139
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,738
Safer
than football!
140
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,770
Hey, why don't we
have this fruit-munch
141
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,905
teach our kids
this crazy sport?
142
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,810
Me, coach your kids?
143
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,912
Most of you won't even
make eye contact
144
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,154
when I'm weighing your yogurt.
145
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,780
I'll do it.
146
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,985
If Homer will coach with me.
147
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:47,987
Huh?
148
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,658
We've come too
far together
149
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,287
on this crazy ride.
150
00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:53,132
It wouldn't feel right
to do it without you...
151
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:54,127
buddy.
152
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:56,258
(echoing):
Buddy, buddy, buddy...
153
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,533
Mm?
154
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,730
Oh, fine,
155
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,434
I'll coach with this guy.
156
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:03,836
But I promise you this:
157
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,607
I will never stop
complaining about it.
158
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,937
(cheering)
159
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,142
(grumbling):
Stupid sport I never heard of...
160
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,775
make me wake up early
on a Saturday...
161
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,481
probably have to
slice oranges...
162
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,622
Don't even know the rules
163
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,147
because I refuse to learn 'em...
164
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,322
my kids will probably suck
at it...
165
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,491
And I'll have to kneel down
166
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,318
on photo day,
knees get all wet...
167
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,015
despite my bad attitude,
168
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,456
I'm thrilled by the
nonstop action...
169
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,132
kids running towards me
170
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,530
with a look of joy
I've never seen before...
171
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,103
Dad, we won!
172
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,671
It's okay, kids.
173
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,299
What matters is
you tried your best.
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00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:39,965
Have an orange slice.
175
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,473
No, we won!
176
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,805
Yes, we're all winners.
177
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:46,811
Because losing
teaches valuable lessons.
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00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,484
Have an orange slice.
179
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,652
We did it, buddy.
180
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,820
You and I make
a great team.
181
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,149
We won for real!
182
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,053
For the first time in our lives,
183
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:56,485
we can say "Good game"
184
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,160
and actually mean it.
185
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,388
Good game!
186
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,833
Uh, good game!
187
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,888
Ha! That's loser talk!
188
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:11,071
(cheering)
189
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:14,111
(groaning)
190
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,212
Wow, pizza really does
191
00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,741
taste sweeter
after you win.
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00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,976
(humming happily)
193
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:21,981
Dude.
194
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,852
My kids have never
won at anything.
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00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,051
All the girl
does is read
196
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,152
and the boy's
got one of those
197
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,523
paying attention diseases
198
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,151
that isn't really
a disease.
199
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,856
Awesome job, guys!
200
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,158
How do you know so
much about lacrosse?
201
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,690
Wait. You want to know about me?
202
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,696
(disinterested
mumbling)
203
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:39,698
Well, it all goes back
to my college days,
204
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:44,600
where I was the star attackmanon our lacrosse team.
205
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:45,665
(crowd cheering)
206
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,312
(marching band playing)
207
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,040
I'd even been drafted to playin the pros
208
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,845
for the Milwaukee Zoom.
209
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:56,417
After scoring thechampionship-winning goal,
210
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:58,217
I was on top of the world, man.
211
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,218
I was high-fiving everybody.
212
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,050
For the first time in my life,
213
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:04,715
no one, and I mean no one,was leaving me hanging.
214
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,885
I was slap-happy,
215
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:08,133
I couldn't stop myself,until...
216
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:12,226
I highed one five too far.
217
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,072
(metallic clank)
(wrist shattering)
218
00:07:15,068 --> 00:07:18,268
Our school mascot,Sir Gudge-a-lot.
219
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,606
(retching)
220
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,637
My Zoom dream died that day.
221
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,114
Mm...
222
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,182
(grunts angrily)
223
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,447
Uh... Ah...
224
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:30,450
(metallic clicking)
225
00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:33,251
My wrist healed,
but my wrist in here...
226
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:34,623
never did.
227
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,491
I've never high-fived
my own son.
228
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,621
The mascot wore
a suit of armor?
229
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,786
Just like a knight!
230
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,404
Yeah, but now lacrosse
has brought us together.
231
00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,627
Hey, a toast
to new friendship!
232
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,432
Could I get a roll of
toilet paper, please?
233
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,865
I get nosebleeds
when I drink.
234
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,839
To... new...
235
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,511
friendship.
236
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:58,143
Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
237
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,505
(Homer snoring)
238
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,111
Dad! Dad!
Dad! Dad!
239
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,445
Dad, wake up!
Wake up! Wake up!
240
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,220
(moaning groggily)
241
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:10,823
Oof!
242
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,124
(Maggie coos)
243
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,286
It's 6:00 a.m.
on a Saturday.
244
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,655
We have a weekend
lacrosse tournament!
245
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,204
(horn honking outside)
There's Coach K!
246
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,269
Come on, come on, come on!
247
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:24,541
(Bart and Lisa grunting)
248
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:25,538
(Lisa chuckles)
249
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,309
(both breathing rapidly)
250
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,007
LISA:
Come on, Dad!
251
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,479
(grunts, gasps)
252
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:34,147
Check out the travel van, brah!
(chuckles)
253
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,807
Two days, ten games,
254
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:39,016
700 miles and
one sweet mixtape.
255
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,519
I hope you like
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy,
256
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:44,162
'cause this van's
about to swing.
257
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:48,327
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
258
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,528
♪ And it's you and me ♪
259
00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:50,830
♪ And the bottle makes three
tonight ♪
260
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,001
Uh...
261
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,499
I'm pretty sure a mixtape
262
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,900
isn't just the same song
263
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,502
over and over again.
264
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:59,373
No, no, dude, they're
different live versions.
265
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:02,343
You can tell because
some are longer.
266
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,542
(music stops)
Hey, you want a hit
off my vape pen?
267
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,075
It tastes like passionfruit
268
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,009
and people think
you're a smoker.
269
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,475
Why would I want that?
270
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:10,753
(chuckling):
Don't worry,
271
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,181
Marge isn't here.
272
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:13,515
Oh, speaking of which,
273
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,520
where is the
craziest place
274
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,262
you two have
ever done it?
275
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,557
What?
Let's both say it
at the same time.
276
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,730
One... two...
277
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,527
Don't!
Chipotle!
278
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,259
There are kids back there!
279
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,864
Oh, they can't hear us.
280
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,826
I got 'em watching
classic lacrosse matches.
281
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,065
(crowd cheering)
282
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,700
Textbook ankle-breaker
283
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:32,735
by Gary Gait!
284
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,669
And Paul Gait
with the dip and dunk!
285
00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:37,576
Everyone be sure to fuel up
286
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,278
with a rice sandwich.
287
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,180
Mmm.
Mmm.
288
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,915
HOMER:
Rice in a sandwich?
289
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,350
That's mush-on-mush.
290
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:51,085
Doesn't this dweeb knowkids need bologna to win?
291
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,031
Those sandwiches
had so many carbs!
292
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,557
I've never played harder!
293
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,202
Rice power!
294
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,727
(grunts)
295
00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,902
Uter, watch those
alligator arms!
296
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,271
Hug the pipe, Sherri!
297
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,599
Milhouse,
gobble and goose!
298
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,937
(cheering)
299
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:12,342
Bart Simpson with
the Canadian egg roll!
300
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,954
We won every game.
301
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,153
Kirk is like a sports genius
who everyone hates.
302
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,816
Worse than Jim Harbaugh?
303
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,655
Well, not that bad.
304
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:29,160
I know Kirk's
a bit of a dizzy duck,
305
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,962
but remember,
you're doing this for the kids.
306
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,255
Right, right. The kids.
307
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,626
Everything for the kids.
308
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,925
(gasps)
Oh, God, he's coming!
309
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,036
Hide, Marge.
310
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,640
Oh, good call, buddy.
311
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:41,811
Disco nap.
312
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,478
We got to power up
for tonight. (chuckles)
313
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:44,637
Tonight?
314
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,945
Which gentlemen's club
should we hit first,
315
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,477
Skin City or
the Tassel Castle?
316
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,623
Gentlemen's...
317
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,847
you mean a strip club?
318
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:54,152
Yeah, Wiggles has
great dancers,
319
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,794
but they're
kind of stuck up,
320
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:58,489
if you believe
Lap-Aficionado.com.
321
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,162
Which, uh--
(chuckles) I do.
322
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,160
Why would I want to go
to a strip club?
323
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,002
I'm married to a naked lady.
324
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:07,497
Drive time to Sapphire Diamond
is only 39 minutes.
325
00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:09,801
That's the fastest
it's been all day.
326
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,373
Hey, wa-- 38 minutes!
327
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,811
Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot
of kind of guys--
328
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:15,307
a booze guy,
329
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,338
a don't-know-my-kids'-
birthdays guy,
330
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,714
a steal-the-blow-dryer-
from-the-motel guy,
331
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:22,653
but I am not a strip club guy.
332
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:25,479
You do want to hang with me,
don't you, buddy?
333
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,475
(groans softly)
334
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,886
I can't do it.
335
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,648
I can't pretend to bethis guy's friend
336
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:30,986
for one more second.
337
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:33,321
I scored three goals today!
338
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,726
I'm a jock.
A jock!
339
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:38,399
I didn't spit on my hand
for the post-game handshake.
340
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,368
Hey, pal,
I don't like Kirk, either,
341
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,997
but look how much fun
the kids' heads are having.
342
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,744
(sighs)
343
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:48,309
Of course I want to
hang with you, buddy.
344
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,308
But, you know, I'm pretty tired
from all those YouTube videos
345
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,481
you showed me
about whiskey making.
346
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,250
It gets its color
from the barrel.
347
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,018
I know, the barrel.
348
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,917
Let's just get some sleep.
349
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,019
Well, all right.
350
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:04,421
Next time we can just rage
twice as hard, I guess.
351
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:07,734
(click, then loud heartbeat)
352
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:09,188
What the hell is that?
353
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:12,196
I can't sleep without
my white noise machine.
354
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,269
Womb setting.
355
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,537
(heartbeat continues)
356
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:23,839
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
357
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:27,354
♪ And it's you and me and
the bottle makes three tonight ♪
358
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,747
♪ Yeah! ♪
359
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:30,950
♪ ♪
360
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,081
(tires screech, music stops)
361
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,745
Mom, we swept the tourney!
362
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:35,254
We're playing
in the championship
363
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,055
against Capital City!
364
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,188
(tires peel out)
365
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:40,232
Mwah!
366
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,857
How does it feel to
be the assistant coach
367
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,562
of a winning team?
368
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,133
I'm going for a walk.
369
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,033
(groans)
370
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,569
Oh, honey,
I'm so proud of you.
371
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,041
Well, you know what they say,
372
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,809
behind every successful man
373
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:58,108
is his assistant coach.
374
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,981
♪ How can a wife understand ♪
375
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,621
♪ What it feels like to
finally meet a man? ♪
376
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:07,087
♪ The strongest bond
a dude could ever know ♪
377
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,787
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
378
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,319
♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪
379
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:14,134
♪ A pal you don't feel
lame with ♪
380
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:18,427
♪ Life began the day
I found my bro ♪
381
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,771
♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪
382
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:24,298
♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪
383
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,814
♪ A dweeb that somehow thinks
that I'm his bro ♪
384
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,308
♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
385
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,139
♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪
386
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,345
♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪
387
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:39,977
♪ How I despise him
he will never know ♪
388
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:43,186
♪ So much cool stuff
we can do as a pair ♪
389
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,160
♪ Everything about him
is annoying ♪
390
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:48,128
♪ Dress as minstrels
at the renaissance fair ♪
391
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:50,158
♪ He smells like
fish oil pills ♪
392
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,203
♪ Foosball Fridays
in my man cave ♪
393
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,170
♪ That waitress
was not into you ♪
394
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,868
♪ Designing the world's best ♪
395
00:13:57,871 --> 00:14:00,001
♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪
396
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,466
♪ He wants us to co-host an
Oscar party, what the hell? ♪
397
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,475
♪ I hate everything about him ♪
398
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,978
♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪
399
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,651
♪ I'm glad he can't ♪
♪ Wish he could ♪
400
00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:11,319
BOTH:
♪ Hear me sing ♪
401
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,848
♪ About this sweaty ♪
402
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:14,153
♪ Awesome ♪
♪ Fish oil ♪
403
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,494
♪ Awesome ♪
♪ I was only pretending ♪
404
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:19,658
♪ To like that
stupid dork named... ♪
405
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,159
Oh, hi, Kirk.
406
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:25,832
(grunts)
407
00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,572
(sad sigh)
408
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,004
FOLKSY ANNOUNCER:
Springfield, the city
409
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:35,636
that lives and diesby youth lacrosse,
410
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,042
a sport we first learnedabout five weeks ago.
411
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,044
And with just two hoursleft until face off
412
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,876
against Capital City,the countdown clock
413
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,512
is ticking away.
414
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,746
As always, laying out all the
information you need to know,
415
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:49,223
this is WXPO "The Pipe."
416
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:53,192
(cheering)
417
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,093
And now the man responsible
for this miracle on grass,
418
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,596
the "Priest of the Crease,"
"The Riceman Cometh,"
419
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,098
Coach K!
420
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:04,371
(confused noises)
421
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:06,071
Hmm, it's not like Kirk
422
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,572
to miss such an
important pre-game rally.
423
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:11,405
Yeah, well, better get slicing
on these oranges.
424
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,911
Where is that coach?
425
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,553
If we lose this game,
426
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,407
I have to give
the mayor of Capital City
427
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,916
a crate of Springfield apricots.
428
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,089
We grow no apricots!
429
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,247
Kirk is missing.
430
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,885
I haven't seen him
since he left home
431
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,290
happily singing about
his friendship with you.
432
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,863
(humming nervously)
433
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:29,861
Dad, what do you know?
434
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,103
What?
Nothing!
435
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,127
I don't-- oh, oh...
436
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,404
All right.
437
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:38,902
The truth is your husband
and your father
438
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,035
is a soul-sucking loser
who found out
439
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:44,781
I was only pretending to be his
friend for the sake of the team.
440
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,478
But, but why did he empty out
our bank account,
441
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,410
and all in one-dollar bills?
442
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,646
Oh, no.
443
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,650
There's only one thing
a man like Kirk wants
444
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:54,292
with that many singles.
445
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,417
To hand out to the poor?
446
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:57,423
Worse.
447
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,324
To bring to a strip club.
448
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,293
I'll go get him.
449
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,334
I'll also get him.
No, me! Me!
450
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,660
I just need to go home
and put on
451
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,434
my special sweat pants.
452
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,633
No, it's my husband's fault
that Kirk has run off
453
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:13,096
to that jiggle joint
and only he can get him out.
454
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,136
Me?
455
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,640
But those places are
filled with creeps.
456
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,813
Plus, all the
chairs face the stage.
457
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,282
What if I want to
have a conversation
458
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,680
with another patron?
459
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,311
Come on, Dad,
you've got to do it!
460
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,816
Without Coach K, we can't
play in the championship!
461
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,789
Look at the countdown clock.
462
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,017
ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock
brought to you by Ray's Steaks:
463
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:32,163
When you want to
raise some stakes,
464
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,188
head over to Ray's... Steaks.
465
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:37,664
(chanting):
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
466
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,834
Save Coach K!
467
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:43,003
Save Coach K! Save Coach K!
468
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,003
As your wife, I'm begging you,
469
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:49,165
if you ever loved me,
go to that strip club.
470
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,675
♪ ♪
471
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,907
(cheering)
472
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,820
(dog howls)
473
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,818
(groans)
474
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,890
♪ ♪
475
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,226
HOMER:
Oh, guys.
476
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,999
(tires screech)
477
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,231
(groans)
478
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,236
(rock music playing inside)
479
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,168
(angry groan)
Okay.
480
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,743
All I got to do is go in,
get the pervert,
481
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:25,142
and bring him back
to a park full of children.
482
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,875
Hey, I'm looking for my friend.
483
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,880
Bald middle-aged guy,
sad paunch, given up on life.
484
00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,383
It's 10:00 in the morning.
485
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,584
Take your pick.
486
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,745
(depressed groaning)
487
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,823
Oh, boy.
Oh, man.
488
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,860
(worried moan)
WOMAN:
Hello.
489
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,258
Uh, no, thank you.
Hey there, big guy.
490
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,531
No, thank you.
491
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:45,259
Happily married man
with no cash coming through.
492
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:46,825
(panting)
493
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,873
Made it.
494
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,767
Nothing in this place
can tempt me.
495
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,669
(moans)
496
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,071
Oh, baby, yes.
497
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,373
Those legs go on forever.
498
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,075
(moans)
499
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,737
Where are they?
500
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:01,075
Maybe we shouldn't
have sent Homer Simpson
501
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,251
into that den of sin.
502
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,248
(Marge groans, Ms. Hoover gasps)
503
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,119
My husband's a good man.
504
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:06,518
He can do this.
505
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:07,719
(chewing sounds)
506
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,390
Oh, worst food I've ever had.
507
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,760
So much...
508
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,758
Is that guy still
in the champagne room?
509
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,560
He hasn't slept in days.
510
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,362
He brought a cooler
of rice sandwiches.
511
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,234
He says they give him energy.
512
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:23,903
Wait, who do I know
that likes rice sandwiches?
513
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:28,213
(gasps)
Bart's friend's dad!
514
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,108
So anyway, they
can't call it bourbon
515
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,940
unless it's from Kentucky.
516
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:35,445
It's the American bourbon...
He's not a loser
paying for lap dances;
517
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,248
he's a loser
paying for listening.
518
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:40,251
Kirk, we've got to go.
519
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,323
The big game is
about to start.
520
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,292
Come on... buddy?
521
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,760
Oh, now I'm your
buddy again, huh?
522
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,629
Well, guess what, buddy.
523
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,958
Carmeleena and Bodacious
are my true friends.
524
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,665
Nothing, nothing
that we had was real.
525
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,827
Well, it was all fake.
526
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:59,936
But, damn it, somehow you turned
our fat, lazy, loser kids
527
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,269
into winners.
528
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,844
Kirk Van Houten,
I don't like you.
529
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,643
But I respect you.
530
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:07,806
Respect?
531
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,314
That's the one thing
you can't buy
532
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,145
in a place like this.
533
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,321
(loud peeling)
534
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:15,188
I've got to get to that game!
535
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:18,288
Hey, that's a great realization
you had there, pally.
536
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,121
Now if we could just settle
this up, eh?
537
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,156
$15,000?
538
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:26,462
12 lap-dances an hour, times
three girls, times 56 hours,
539
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,026
pole tax,
glitter recycling fee.
540
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,495
It's quite a ride.
541
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,503
(grunts)
542
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,844
(men coughing, Kirk yells)
Run!
543
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,909
♪ ♪
544
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,842
(nervously groaning)
545
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,684
(yells)
DJs!
546
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:40,649
Uh-oh,
547
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,047
Japanese businessmen!
548
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,882
ATM with giant service fee!
549
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:49,145
Aw, we'll never
make it to the game.
550
00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:52,315
Our kids were depending on
us and we let them down.
551
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,525
You let them down. You.
552
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,987
Did you say kids?
553
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,695
We all have kids.
554
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,657
We'd do anything for 'em.
555
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,496
(babies cooing,
nursery music plays)
556
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:05,671
Come on, working moms, let's
get these dads to that game.
557
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:07,572
I'm sorry, kids, but
your coaches aren't here.
558
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:08,914
You're going to have to forfeit.
559
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:12,078
And now to blow this
whistle and make it official.
560
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,378
(gust of wind,
helicopter blades spinning)
561
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,880
It's the Strip-a-copter!
562
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,822
I mean, it's a helicopter
I've never rented before.
563
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,648
Helmet up, kids.
564
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:26,516
Let's win ourselves
a championship.
565
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,686
Who wants orange slices?
566
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,096
(cheering)
567
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,757
ALL:
Yay!
568
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,370
No matter how bad our kids screw
up the rest of their lives,
569
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:39,700
they'll always have this moment.
570
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,206
Buddy, you deserve this.
571
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,368
(exclaims quietly)
572
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,906
(bones cracking,
Homer and Kirk scream)
573
00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:46,611
Just because we're in traction
574
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:49,413
doesn't mean this
hospital room can't swing.
575
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:53,775
♪ So I think about
my next drink ♪
576
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,216
♪ And it's you and me and
the bottle makes three tonight ♪
577
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,362
(muffled groaning)
578
00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,917
♪ Yeah! ♪
579
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:02,585
♪ What do you mean
it's last call? ♪
580
00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:14,071
Hey, guys, I know all you
"Crushin' It" fans
581
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:17,143
are super pumped
for my latest Crush video.
582
00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:19,283
Sorry, no contest winner
this week.
583
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:20,949
Remember, to qualify,
584
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,947
you have to be a subscriber
and leave a comment.
585
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,820
Now, the secret
to the ultimate rice sammy
586
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:30,619
is to make sure the rice is
really wet, li-like soaking.
587
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:31,623
(high-pitched scrubbing)
588
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:33,164
(chews and slurps)
589
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:34,289
(high-pitched scrubbing)
590
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:37,264
So after going in
to find it a third time,
591
00:21:37,263 --> 00:21:40,503
they just decided to leave the
colonoscopy camera inside...
592
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:41,500
(high-pitched scrubbing)
593
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:42,801
Five words:
594
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,602
jet fuel can't melt steel.
595
00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:46,595
(high-pitched scrubbing)
596
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:47,936
When I held the door
for that guy
597
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:50,640
and he didn't even say
thank you, I just lost it!
598
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:51,813
(high-pitched scrubbing)
599
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:55,181
Oh, man, Milwaukee
would've been so sweet.
600
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:57,521
The Zoom were the kings
of that town!
601
00:21:57,517 --> 00:21:58,577
(high-pitched scrubbing)
602
00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:05,059
Shh!
603
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:10,900
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
39141
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