Original subtitles

You're watching The Simpsons.

You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.

Catch all-new episodes Sundays.

And check out our other Fox programs,

Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.

What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

(Lisa grumbles)

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

No! Not there!

Anywhere but there!

Oh, a museum?

(Marge grunts)

♪ ♪

(plays discordant notes)

(gasps)

(moans)

(groans)

(belches)

Hmm.

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪

(crows cawing)

(dramatic music playing)

Ooh! I'd like a slice.

(both laughing)

Hey, hey! What time is it, kids?

KIDS: Product tie-in time!

That's right!

I'm introducing a new line of candy so delicious

that the Krusty Corporation board of directors

will stop threatening to oust me.

(drum roll)

Presenting Krustaceans!

They look like shrimp, they taste like candy,

and they're organic!

Uh... "Clown eats snack"?

Uh-oh, this could get ugly.

What do you know. They're actually good!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, hey, kids, Krusty won't be needing the spit bucket!

(laughs)

Mmm! They are good.

How did you get them so fast?

I'm a Krusty Prime member.

$75 a month, but it's worth it.

What? Tibor's getting a corner office?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Tibor got promoted to senior VP.

(groans)

CARL: Cooling tower views,

two chairs for two visitors.

LENNY: A picture of a nondescript lighthouse.

CARL: Oh, my God, what is he getting out of that mini fridge?

It's filled with mini-colas!

LENNY: Wow, he looks like a giant drinking that thing.

I was in line for that job, and I lost it to someone

who barely speaks English. It's humidifying.

HOMER'S VOICE: Well, then why the hell don't you do something about it?

Huh? Who said that?!

Me! (grunts)

Who are you?

I'm your ambition.

How come I never met you before?

I've been locked up for 30 years by Apathy and Alcoholism!

(both groaning)

Now, Homer, Tibor is no better than you.

He just dresses nicer.

I guess I could dress a little better. Probably.

That's the most ambitious thing you've ever said.

Guys, is there something wrong with the way I dress?

No. If you're a typewriter salesman in 1953.

Also, for a guy, you show way too much cleavage.

Hey, these two have gotten me out of so many traffic tickets.

Look, man, if people think your clothes are outdated,

they'll think you're outdated.

Lenny wears suspenders.

Correction: I rock suspenders.

Ah, Tibor.

There's my go-getter.

Thank you, Witch of the Mountains.

(band plays upbeat music, audience cheers)

Tonight we have with us

a distinguished senior journalist

for another installment of our pointless Internet sensation:

Talking Heads Sing Talking Heads.

Kent Brockman, everybody!

(Talking Heads music playing)

And you may ask yourself...

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself...

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself...

Okay, that's it.

(band plays upbeat music, audience cheers)

Speaking of once-in-a-lifetime experiences, Kent,

I understand you have a fascinating story

about your time in Basra.

Well, Jimmy, I was embedded with the 98th Airborne.

My lullaby was the thwap-thwap-thwap

of the blades of a Chinook.

I was in the 98th Airborne.

I don't remember him.

I don't even remember what I said

at the start of this sentence!

Out there, everyone was equal.

I was "Brock," the pilot was "Bama."

Was he from Alabama?

He was from America, Jimmy.

To me, it was just another day at the office.

Only this day, the office was a burning piece of metal

where an RPG just took out the pilot.

So I grabbed the joystick and guided that wounded bird

down onto a container ship-- which was sinking.

I bailed it with my helmet and guided her home.

(audience cheering)

That didn't happen, man!

Oh, you Iraq War vets are always complaining.

(mocking): "That didn't happen."

"The temperature was 125."

"The U.S.O. show was Rob Schneider."

"American objectives have been, and remain, incomprehensible."

Wah-wah-wah.

MARGE: Dinnertime!

(humming)

No junk food!

We're at the dinner tables.

KENT BROCKMAN: This is Kent Brockman with a...

humble apology.

(dramatic kettle drum plays)

You know, we in the news business

like to report the story; we don't like to be the story.

That's what I said to Nelson Mandela atop the Berlin Wall,

but... No, I didn't. That's the problem!

Now you're not eating.

I can't eat when I'm watching the spectacle

of an imploding celebrity.

We have lip-quiver, people.

I'm sorry to report to you that over the years,

every interesting thing I've done is,

in fact, a complete lie.

I did not land a Chinook helicopter.

I did not see bin Laden die, or even see the movie about it.

Now that I've apologized, my station has assured me

that it has full confidence...

These were the last words of disgraced anchor Kent Brockman

before he was escorted out by security

and replaced by me, Arnie Pye.

This reporter promises

to restore our news department's credibility.

In our top story, corporate taxes are too high.

Geez, I'm really gonna miss Anderson Cooper.

That wasn't Anderson Cooper.

Oh, thank God.

I'm not licked yet-- not as long as I've got

a cell phone and a place to sit.

Company car.

(tires screech)

Marge, I think I may have to get new clothes.

(whispers): At last!

It's time for me to project the image

of a powerful, self-reliant man.

Will you take me shopping after school?

Sure. And after that, maybe you could...

oh, I don't know, lose a little weight?

Marge, no, don't get greedy, don't get greedy.

Sweetheart, I'm always happy to temporarily lose weight.

Oh...

So, this app is called Smothr.

Lets my mom keep a healthy eye on me 24/7.

Milhouse, you're overexcited.

You're going to get a bloody nose.

I will not!

See?

Hmm. I call these num-nums

because they make my fingers numb.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Why are the only ingredients here

"water, fun and hydrogenated chuckles"?

Hey, Krusty makes quality products.

Incoming!

Mm, let me try one of those candies.

I shared a meal with Lisa.

It's halfway to a kiss.

Now I kissed Lisa.

No one kissed Lisa!

Hmm? Hmm?

Hmm, I don't think candy should give me a tingling

in my left arm.

I'm gonna prove to you that Krusty

is a good clown with nonlethal candy.

Hey, Otto-man, can you take us to the food processing district?

No way, Bartman.

Hey, Otto, I just remembered,

we have a field trip to the food processing district.

Oh, man, we're late!

(tires screech)

FRANK SINATRA: ♪ This town ♪

♪ Is a lonely town ♪

♪ Not the only town... ♪

You're a very lucky lady.

(laughs)

(humming)

Hmm? (groans)

Hmm.

(grunting)

Really? You're thwarted by a shirt?

Never!

This is so exciting--

with my Homie in a haberdashers.

My husband needs a complete makeover.

Well, thank you, lady with the beehive hair.

Ooh, intimate but heterosexual.

CLERK: Here you are, pal.

(moaning): Oh! Oh!

Homie?

Oh, baby, you had the same idea I did.

Mmm!

This wasn't my idea, but... (gasps)

Oh...

(chuckles) They all think they're the first ones.

Wow. Ready for the corner office.

I feel like Mrs. Mad Men.

Now let's get you rung up, lard-ass.

What did you call me? Uh, Lord S.

Oh.

Well, we've got a nice- looking couple here.

Walk away, Marge, just walk away.

I'm holding my sharpest key.

Wait, Homie. It's Kent Brockman.

The man who betrayed our trust.

I'm producing my own news content now.

Could you spare a few sound bites

(chuckles): for this rudderless anchor?

Forget it. We only like newspeople we can trust.

So no newspeople!

Oh, well, I have bigger problems.

Can't afford toothpaste, so tonight my teeth will have...

film at 11:00.

OTTO: Adios!

Don't worry, Krusty's favorite number

is how many jokes he's written.

♪ ♪

Wow! Hydroponic gardening.

Organic fertilizer.

Maybe I was wrong about Krusty.

(groans) This candy is reeking with chemicals!

Just once I'd like to be wrong.

Well, from what I read in your diary, you're rarely right.

(groans)

We've got to get these samples analyzed.

Bart, do you think we'll get out of here safely?

I think the guard's no problem.

(snores)

(robotic voice): Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.

(snores)

Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.

(snores) Z, Z, Z-Z-Z.

Here comes our ride.

(bicycle bell dings)

I called UberKid.

(Eastern European accent): Please get in.

You want bottled water? Mints? Take.

Your accent is so interesting.

Where are you from?

Uh, small town in Latvia. You don't know it.

Well, I'd like to hear.

Why do you have to make friends with everyone?

(sighs) So much great work for naught.

Kent, as your agent, I promise we will find you something,

or so help me, we will drop you.

That's a promise.

Well, could you, uh, get me on Fox News?

Would you be willing to call yourself a liberal

and lose every discussion?

Every single one?

Okay, you've already asked too many questions.

The offer's dead.

(sighs)

♪ Empower your horse ♪

♪ Right through the sun ♪

♪ Blast a rainbow light from your empowerment gun. ♪

So, you're gonna get this to Katy Perry?

I never said that.

Hey, guys. Notice anything different?

Whoa, whoa, impressive!

Italian?

Oh-ho. Better.

Connecticut! (chuckles)

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go into old man Burns and say,

"Here is a leader of men-- and women."

'Cause that's what you have to say now.

High five, man!

Why do we call it "high five" when we only have four fingers?

You know, I've always wondered that.

FRINK: Oh, what have we here?

Uh, Lisa, these vials

are filled with formaldehyde.

Formaldehyde! Do you understand?

Do not imbibe!

Check. No imbibing.

Bart! Imbibing is eating, and formaldehyde is poison.

Oh, you take all the fun out of eating poison.

You're just an apologist for Krusty.

I am not a paid apologist for Krusty!

I didn't say "paid."

Got to go. I'll see you in the future.

(mechanical humming)

Uh, that's just my bathing suit dryer.

I, uh... yes.

(groaning)

Sorry, kid, not interested in your story.

Krusty's our biggest star,

and formaldehyde's our biggest sponsor.

I'm gonna have to go off the grid.

All right, Kent Brockman. Welcome to BizzFad.

We are so crunched.

(chuckles): Well, the crunching is mutual.

"The crunching is mutual"? What the hell does that mean?

Well, I know that the media has changed,

but this old newshound can still find his way home.

Okay...

I thought I might do a piece on all the crazy ice cream flavors

they have these days.

Bacon? Really?

(chuckles)

Kent, I like it. I do.

But we just went bankrupt.

Uh, people, people, you're all fired.

But, seriously, it's been a great four days.

Thank you.

Uh, gentlemen, I suggest we ramp up production.

I have a few suggestions right here in my pocket.

Do it, Homer! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(gasps) Are you Lust?

No. Lupus.

(shrieks)

Huh? Huh? Huh?

(chuckles) Hey, fatso,

I'd close that tent flap before the mosquitoes get in.

(chuckles)

What the...?

I thought you would like it.

Actually, I think you should take this tarp

back to the baseball stadium you got it from.

In case there's a rain delay.

(chuckles) I did not see that coming, sir.

Off you go, Simpson.

Never seek to better yourself again.

I'm just going to shove my foot on your back for emphasis.

Yes, sir. I understand.

But could you try not to get my new jacket dirty?

Sorry, but no.

Well done, sir.

Now your turn, Smithers.

I never thought you'd ask.

So, why do you want to give the story to Brockman?

Because the best thing you can do is offer a lifeline

to a person with no hope.

Here I am!

Sorry, not you.

Thank God!

Well, how do you know where Brockman will be?

To find a fallen man,

you must visit the scene of his highest peak.

When he reported on the flood of '09.

My career and these flood waters crested at the same time.

This is Kent Brockman blowing a sad song

on his beer bottle.

(playing sad tune)

Mr. Brockman, we've uncovered a huge story!

And we need a real newsman to break it wide open.

(sighs)

A real newsman, eh?

Then you've come to the wrong corner.

What do you mean?

Oh, I'm through.

Now, please, let me just go out

with my remaining dignity intact.

This is Kent Brockman thinking dark and suicidal thoughts.

It's quiet here in the gutter.

Very quiet.

Well, it was.

Okay, who would like to start today?

Anyone? Anyone?

Oh, come on.

In three, two...

I'm here live at the support group...

Our top feeling today...

This just in: I'm sad.

(slurring): You know, I'll be tooling around,

and I'll just constantly lapse into my elocution exercises.

"A Lockheed L-1011 landed safely

in Bogalusa, Louisiana, after an alert."

Oh, I've been there.

Too true. Courage.

Kent, you're looking unusually thoughtful

and silent for an anchor.

You know, I thought I'd come to terms

with life off the news cycle, and then, bang,

I was offered a scoop on a platter.

(slurring): Well, did you leap on that lead

like a lion on a lemur?

I passed! As in, "I am a thing of the..."

Dan Rather, do you have something to contribute

besides this delicious homemade Bundt cake?

Mmm.

Kent, why are you doing this?

Why did you get into this business?

Money, women, free coffee. The usual.

Sir, if you please, these days, a bona fide uncorrupted story

is rarer than a snake with sneakers.

It's harder to find than a yellow-fronted bowerbird.

Jump on it, hoss,

and ride till Gramma churns the buttermilk.

That's when the barn dance starts.

What is that feeling?

Is it integrity?

♪ ♪

Good to see ya, buddy. I'm in!

Anybody got eyeliner and pancake makeup?

Take mine, brother.

Works great on Mediterranean skin.

It's from my personal line, Rather Handsome.

Well, Marge, I was humiliated by Mr. Burns, it's true.

But, to me, this is nothing more than a temporary setback.

Good for you, Homie. I'm proud of you.

Hey, Homer Simpson is not deterred

by a footprint on his suit.

It'll come out, right?

I don't know. (shrieks)

Homer, I have a 12-step plan for your success.

Step number one: get in a 12-step plan.

(grunts) This is an opportunity!

(screams)

I think I'm going to Moe's.

(tires screech)

Krusty, we have evidence that your product

is laced with toxic additives.

Yeah. So why you bothering me?

LISA: Because your tasty little treat did this.

(whirring)

I made the doctor cry.

They told me the paralysis would be temporary!

Five years, tops.

Seriously, come on,

that kid wasn't going anywhere anyway.

It looks like this clown could not formalde-hide the truth.

(chuckles) This is Kent Brockman, saying...

No! I'm gonna sing Beatles songs

so you can't afford to show this video!

A-one, two, three, four! Too late!

Well, you're back on top, Kent.

And now for a once monthly feature we do

called Serious Question.

(horn honks)

Tell us, how did you get this story?

Well, it's funny, actually.

I was trapped in a burning building...

(gasps) Is he really gonna take all the credit for this?

Don't ask me.

The last newsman I could trust

was that bigamist, Charles Kuralt.

It was a burning building called my career.

Thank God I had help.

Lisa Simpson, you deserve to be on this couch with me.

But because I don't lie anymore,

I have to say I didn't fight too hard when they said no.

Hmm. Is that enough?

Are you kidding?

You got Hollywood's highest honor:

shared credit, no money.

I've been informed that this is my last newscast

as anchor of the Channel 6 News.

Before I go, I'd like to get a few things off my chest.

I've made out with Kent's daughter.

The grown-up one!

Are you almost through?

In a hurry to fail again, Kent?!

No, it's just I've been off the air for six weeks,

and it was torture.

Sometimes I'd watch Bill O'Reilly

and pretend it was an older, stupider version of me.

Go ahead. Take your chair.

Do what you do best.

Tonight's lotto numbers: six, 17, 42,

45 and 83!

I'm back!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!