All language subtitles for Mr. Woodcock 2007-en

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean Download
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:31,360 Ha! 2 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,585 What is this? 3 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,321 Uh! 4 00:01:39,466 --> 00:01:41,764 Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap. 5 00:01:44,971 --> 00:01:48,168 By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air. 6 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,275 Like many of you. 7 00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,574 But in the hands of someone properly trained... 8 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,136 in its use and skilled in its art... 9 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,774 this ball can do great things. 10 00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:59,114 Oates, I can hear you wheezing from here. 11 00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:01,347 Take a lap. Lose the asthma. 12 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,714 To survive outside these walls... 13 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:07,055 you need more than just math and science. 14 00:02:07,093 --> 00:02:08,390 The world does not stop... 15 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:09,918 for people who can spell fancy words... 16 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,624 or tell you the capital of Montana. 17 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:13,632 The capital of Montana, Watson? 18 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:15,725 - Helena? - Who cares? Take a lap. 19 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:20,903 The only thing that matters in this world, ladies, is strength. 20 00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:23,465 Strength of body and strength of mind. 21 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:24,772 Now if you're not strong enough... 22 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,335 by the time you leave these doors... 23 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,870 you may as well give up and go home to your mommas. 24 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,451 Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis. 25 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:36,148 We all know your parents died. Give it a rest. 26 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,456 - Oh! - Pick up the pace, Nedderman. 27 00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,865 Well, Farley, it looks like you forgot your gym clothes again. 28 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,425 No, sir, somebody... 29 00:02:49,469 --> 00:02:51,027 It's a rhetorical question, Farley. 30 00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:52,560 - What? - It's a rhetorical question. 31 00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,596 That means you don't have to answer it. 32 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:56,404 Because either I already know the answer... 33 00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:58,740 or I don't care what your answer is. 34 00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,405 You see, in my class, Farley... 35 00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,904 everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt. 36 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:06,885 Gutierrez, go get the rentals. 37 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,081 Start changing. 38 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,420 - No, in line. - What? 39 00:03:11,457 --> 00:03:13,220 See, the locker room is reserved... 40 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:16,160 for people who brought the appropriate attire. 41 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,426 - You change here. - It's OK, John. Be strong. 42 00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:20,989 No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps. 43 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,195 Take Wheezy with you. 44 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,503 Come on, let's go. 45 00:03:36,649 --> 00:03:38,844 The rentals, Farley, that's 25 cents. 46 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,547 - But somebody stole my... - l... I didn't ask you a question, Farley. 47 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,556 - Not even a rhetorical one. - Uh... 48 00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:46,286 It seems to me that someone needs a lesson... 49 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:48,157 in personal responsibility. 50 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:52,196 Not even one chin-up, Farley? 51 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,460 Can't hang on! 52 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:55,262 You are a disgrace to fat... 53 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:58,793 gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over. 54 00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:01,864 I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium. 55 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,775 - Are you gonna be a loser? - No, sir. 56 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:08,406 Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer. 57 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,245 Heads up, Nedderman. 58 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:12,378 Uh! 59 00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:17,614 Don't you even think about letting go. 60 00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,386 Uh! 61 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,693 - You guys ready to let go? - Yeah! 62 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:30,703 All right! 63 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,068 - Mr. Farley? - Oh, sure. How you doing? 64 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,629 - All right, what's your name? - Scott. 65 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:34,833 John, you don't have time for this. 66 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:36,307 - Oh... - Bye-bye. 67 00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:37,400 I'm sorry, guys. 68 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,432 - Keep letting go. - John! John! 69 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,449 OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers. 70 00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:46,111 Most want an autograph and a handshake... 71 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,313 but some of them want an autograph and a handshake... 72 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,083 and then they want to take you home, tie you up... 73 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,886 and saw your feet off. 74 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:54,324 - Well, hi there. - John Farley. 75 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,191 Your book saved my life. 76 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,493 I didn't do anything. You did it. 77 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,761 All I did was give you the raft. 78 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,529 - You had to inflate it yourself. - Mm-hm. 79 00:05:02,568 --> 00:05:06,800 Mr. Farley, I used to feel ostracized because of my weight. 80 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:10,104 But with your help I'm starting to get my self-confidence back. 81 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,542 Ha! That's a great story. 82 00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:13,602 Why don't you check out the free coffee and donuts? 83 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,170 Oh! 84 00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:20,550 By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything? 85 00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:22,747 My mom said he wouldn't drink so much... 86 00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:25,690 if he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house. 87 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,625 Well, we all have an Uncle Lou. 88 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,958 And we all drink for different reasons. 89 00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,830 Long day. 90 00:05:32,865 --> 00:05:35,095 I don't even think I can hold a pen anymore. 91 00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,432 Let me give you the same advice I gave Nelson Mandela... 92 00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,370 on his last book tour. 93 00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,236 Quit whining, you pussy. 94 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,742 - That's helpful. - You have no idea... 95 00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,471 the stuff that I am saving you from. 96 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:48,275 Some shithole in Nebraska wanted to give you... 97 00:05:48,314 --> 00:05:51,943 their corn husk bucket or something. 98 00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,179 The Corn Cob Key? 99 00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:56,950 Uh, is that what it is? l... I don't know. "The Forest... 100 00:05:56,989 --> 00:05:58,980 "...Meadow Nebraska Chamber of Commerce... 101 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:03,519 "wishes to award Mr. John Farley the Corn Cob Key to the City." 102 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,531 Oh, my God. This is my hometown. 103 00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,829 - This is awesome. What did you tell them? - I told them yes. 104 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,266 - Really? - No. 105 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,394 Why? Wait. 106 00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,496 Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor. 107 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,131 They hardly ever give it out anymore... 108 00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:17,267 but when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival. 109 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,338 I'm sorry. Did you just say cornival? 110 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,144 Well, yeah. It's a farm town... 111 00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:26,618 so, you know, every year we have this big celebration. 112 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,447 Corn carnival. Cornival. 113 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,889 - Cornival. - Maggie, you don't understand. 114 00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:34,085 My mom was Corn Cob Queen in 1970. 115 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,118 I mean, she still rides in the parade every year. 116 00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:38,596 - This will mean so much to her. - Cornival? 117 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,360 You know what? Call them back. 118 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,630 I could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. It's perfect. 119 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:46,399 You would need a court order to make me go see my mom. 120 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:50,273 This is different. Since my dad died, I'm all she's got. 121 00:06:50,309 --> 00:06:52,209 Oh, your dad's dead? 122 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,372 It's a major theme of my book. 123 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,781 The whole last chapter's about how I let go of that pain. 124 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:02,213 You haven't read my book, have you? 125 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,088 Well, there's no point now. You just ruined the ending. 126 00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:23,865 Hi, John! 127 00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,975 Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha! 128 00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:34,612 Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council. 129 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:38,146 We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule... 130 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,182 to... to... to come home and see the little people. 131 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,091 Thank you. This is great. 132 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,722 It's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key. 133 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,322 Well, you've earned it, young... 134 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,630 Young man. We are mighty proud of you. 135 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:53,230 So on behalf of... of... 136 00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:56,764 Well, of all of us, John... 137 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,936 - Corn-gratulations! - Ha ha ha! 138 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:20,490 ...Famous award-winning corn chowder... 139 00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:34,345 - Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here! - Hey! 140 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:35,813 - How are you? - Oh! 141 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,316 I heard your news and I tried to call you but now you're here! 142 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,216 I was flying in. I wanted to surprise you. 143 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,982 - Oh! I am so proud of you. - Thank you, Mom. 144 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,613 How's it going? Is the book tour good? 145 00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,351 - Yeah, it's good. - Are you having fun? 146 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:46,722 Yeah, I'm happy. You look great. 147 00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:48,386 - Thanks. - Yeah. You going somewhere? 148 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:50,224 Yeah. I have a date. 149 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,696 - Really? - Yeah. 150 00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,323 - A... Are you seeing someone? - Yeah. 151 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,800 Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long? 152 00:08:55,835 --> 00:08:58,099 - 5 months. - What? Why didn't you mention it? 153 00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:00,002 Oh, because you don't like to hear when I have a date. 154 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:02,439 - Oh, well, so what's he like? - Oh, he's great. 155 00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:06,309 He's so handsome and he's... he's sweet and consid... 156 00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:09,075 - He's a gentleman. - Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you. 157 00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,548 - Thanks. - I can't wait to meet him. 158 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,847 - You know, you know him already. - I do? 159 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:13,874 Yeah. 160 00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,466 Mr. Woodcock? 161 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,638 Farley, I brought you some daisies. 162 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:41,036 - Jasper! - Sorry, I'm late, honey. 163 00:09:42,014 --> 00:09:43,914 That's OK. 164 00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:46,248 Uh, this is Johnny. 165 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:49,083 My son. Do you remember him now? 166 00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:50,748 No. 167 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,549 - But I've heard a lot. - Hm. 168 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,027 It's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity. 169 00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,256 Ha ha ha! 170 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,793 - Uh, you ready for dinner? - Mm-hm. 171 00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,164 I don't know about you... 172 00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:04,260 but I've been thinking about meat all day long. 173 00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:10,798 I can't believe you don't remember him. 174 00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:12,276 He was the cutest kid. 175 00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:14,336 About this high with his chubby little cheeks. 176 00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:17,508 - Mom. - I had a lot of fat kids over the years. 177 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,609 Oh, he wasn't fat! 178 00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,620 Wait a minute. 179 00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:23,645 It's coming back to me. 180 00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:25,884 You're not that kid that got the squirts... 181 00:10:25,925 --> 00:10:27,324 on the balance beam that time, were you? 182 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,658 - Jasper. - No. 183 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,563 Actually I remember you pretty well. 184 00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:35,760 You kinda gave me a lot of personal attention back then. 185 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,861 - Aw. - Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids. 186 00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:40,735 Serves them well later in life. 187 00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:44,209 Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why... 188 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:48,270 they're making Jasper the Educator of the Year. 189 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,805 - You're kidding! - Why would she be kidding? 190 00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:54,251 Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what I just realized? 191 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:58,780 Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week. 192 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:03,386 They're giving Johnny the Corn Cob Key. 193 00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:05,897 You're kidding. 194 00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:09,765 So I'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane... 195 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:13,670 and all of a sudden my leg seizes up and I go under. 196 00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:17,301 It was a bad cramp. And if I remember correctly... 197 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,334 I think it was about... 198 00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,676 - Right here. - Ha ha ha. 199 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,014 Ahem. So he saved your life, then? 200 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,247 Well, it was the shallow end. 201 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:30,187 You can drown in six inches of water. 202 00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:31,712 - That is so true. - Hm. 203 00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:34,282 Well, if you will excuse me... 204 00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:36,988 I am going to, uh, the ladies room. 205 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,224 You boys behave yourself. 206 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:45,094 So what's your book about? 207 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,533 Oh. Um... 208 00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:51,134 well, it teaches people how to release painful memories... 209 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,372 so they can rebuild their self-esteem. 210 00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:55,277 It's called Letting Go. How To Get Past Your Past. 211 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,646 I'm already past my past. 212 00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,277 That's why it's called my past. 213 00:12:00,319 --> 00:12:02,446 Well, some people find my book helpful. 214 00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,854 Lot of losers out there, I guess. 215 00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:11,828 Well, would you like an espresso, er, cappuccino...? 216 00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:13,889 - Um, a cup... - Just the check. 217 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:16,299 Oh, OK. 218 00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:18,936 Thanks, guys. 219 00:12:18,971 --> 00:12:20,700 Um, my treat. 220 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,605 You're the guest. I'll take care of it. 221 00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,632 No, really, it's fine. 222 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,338 I can afford it. 223 00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:28,107 So you're saying I can't? 224 00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,005 No, of course not. 225 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:35,214 Well, then, why don't you take your own advice and, uh, let go? 226 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:40,719 Thank you, Jasper. That is so sweet. 227 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:44,393 Johnny, don't you have something to say? 228 00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:48,093 Thank you. 229 00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:50,932 Don't mention it. 230 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,971 - Ha ha ha. - I swear to God it's true. 231 00:12:55,007 --> 00:12:58,465 No, no, no. No. No. Thank you, honey. 232 00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:02,208 No, I don't believe you. You did not beat Santa Claus up. 233 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:04,773 - Stop it. - I was 7 years old at the time. 234 00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:07,081 And some kids at school told me that there's no Santa Claus. 235 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,108 Uh-huh? 236 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,883 Well, on Christmas Eve when I come downstairs... 237 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,822 and see some guy messing around under the Christmas tree... 238 00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:13,119 I go to my dad's closet... 239 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,148 - and get a three wood... - Oh, no! 240 00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:15,956 And next thing you know, Uncle Bob's in the hospital. 241 00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:18,225 No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob. 242 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:20,061 Ate the entire Christmas dinner through a straw that year. 243 00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:21,088 - No! - Yeah. 244 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,602 What a great story. 245 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,661 Well, I guess we'd better call it a night. 246 00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:28,104 It's good to see you, Mr. Woodcock. 247 00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,541 Well, I guess I could let you have her for one night, Farley. 248 00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,044 Probably good for the old hip flexor... 249 00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,238 to take a night off anyway, huh? 250 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,942 - Jasper! - Ha ha ha! Yeah. 251 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:41,043 That was a fun night. Come on, you guys! 252 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:44,715 You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm! 253 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:51,288 - I'll call you tomorrow, honey. - OK. 254 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,729 - Farley. - Yep. 255 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,392 Mr. Woodcock. 256 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,036 And he is just so easy to be with. 257 00:14:03,075 --> 00:14:07,671 Last month... we went camping. 258 00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:09,738 - You hate camping. - I know! 259 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:12,114 I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days... 260 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:13,641 and it was heaven. 261 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,154 Ha ha ha. It was great. 262 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:17,587 Wow. 263 00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,454 Johnny, um... 264 00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:25,119 this is really the first guy since your father... 265 00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:28,531 that... has felt right. 266 00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:32,031 I'll get you some milk. 267 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,570 Oh! Look what I've got. 268 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,677 Chocolate, please. 269 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,445 I had a lot of fat kids over the years. 270 00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:48,715 - This is Johnny. - A lot of fat kids. 271 00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:49,880 Remember him now? 272 00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,947 No. A lot of losers out there, I guess. 273 00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,891 Arrgh! 274 00:14:57,863 --> 00:14:59,455 Probably good for the old hip flexor... 275 00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,762 to take a night off anyway, huh? Ha ha ha! 276 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,358 When did you get here? 277 00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:31,629 About 10 minutes after you said good night to me. 278 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,567 Not even one chin-up, Farley? 279 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,867 You are a disgrace to fat... 280 00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:43,272 gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over. 281 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,005 - Can I get a glass of water, please? - Sure. 282 00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,681 Son of a bitch! 283 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,954 - I'm sorry. - John Farley? 284 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,094 - Nedderman? - I can't believe it's really you! 285 00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:09,293 I've read your book like 900 times... 286 00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:10,461 and I'm not just saying this... 287 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,493 it's totally changed my life! 288 00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:14,199 Really? That's great, man. 289 00:16:14,239 --> 00:16:16,707 Hell, yeah. I work here full-time... 290 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:19,370 and also I'm starting my own pool cleaning business. 291 00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:22,744 All I've got so far is a van but... but at least it's a start, right? 292 00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,612 Well, every journey has to start somewhere. 293 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,710 Chapter 2. You're totally right. 294 00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:29,721 Totally right. 295 00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:36,923 Can you believe it? The Woodcock pan pizza? 296 00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,021 What's next, the Hitler calzone? 297 00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:40,827 Yeah, well, you're never gonna believe this. 298 00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:43,164 Mr. Deepdish is dating my mom. 299 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:46,069 Woodcock? He's doing your mom? 300 00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:48,073 - Wait. I wouldn't say doing... - Hear that, Mitch? 301 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:49,802 Woodcock's slamming his mom! 302 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,241 - You don't have to announce it. - Hey, guys! 303 00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:54,245 Check it out. Woodcock's stuffing this dude's mom. 304 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,638 Woodcock's pounding your mom? 305 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,775 Hey, hey, guys, come on. Show a little respect. 306 00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:01,445 How would you feel if Woodcock was porking your mom? 307 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:04,456 Woodcock's porking your mom! 308 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,390 - Woodcock's porking your mom! - Hey, shut your trap... 309 00:17:06,425 --> 00:17:08,154 or you're not getting that cheesy bread! 310 00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,457 I want my cheesy bread! 311 00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:11,895 Then shut up! 312 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,660 Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, all right? 313 00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:20,038 I'm sorry about that. You want a slice on the house? 314 00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:21,903 Sausage and onion. Extra sauce, right? 315 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,737 No, I don't really eat that stuff anymore. 316 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,404 Yeah, yeah, l... l... I'd probably lose my appetite too... 317 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,504 if Woodcock was giving it to my mom. 318 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:30,913 The guy is pure evil. 319 00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:33,349 You know he killed Oates? 320 00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,784 - What? - Yeah. 321 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:37,414 Remember, Woodcock used to make Oates do, like, 6 miles... 322 00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:39,253 every day after school? 323 00:17:39,291 --> 00:17:42,192 The guy had bad asthma, dude, you can't just run through that. 324 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,923 Holy shit. Well, when did he die? 325 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:48,023 A couple of years ago. But it was all Woodcock. 326 00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:50,966 Ah... 327 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,767 Man, look, we can't blame Woodcock for Oates's choices. 328 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,240 Oates coulda stopped running, right? 329 00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:57,742 When you make a blame sandwich... 330 00:17:57,776 --> 00:17:59,869 you gotta be prepared to eat it yourself. 331 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,642 Chapter 10. You're totally right. 332 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:05,912 So what are you gonna do? 333 00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:09,284 I think it's time Woodcock and I had a talk. 334 00:18:09,321 --> 00:18:11,687 The shortest distance between 2 people... 335 00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:13,691 Communication. 336 00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:16,819 God, you must get so laid. 337 00:18:20,899 --> 00:18:23,231 Farley, pass the ball. 338 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,099 Not even one pull-up, Farley? 339 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,866 Are you gonna be a loser, Farley? 340 00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:29,100 I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium. 341 00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:32,304 Now, before we begin our exploration of wiffleball... 342 00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:35,108 I think a little equipment check is in order. 343 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,844 Well, Dunningham? 344 00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,943 Spread 'em, Dunningham. 345 00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:48,685 That's OK. I don't need to see the cup, Dunningham. 346 00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:49,887 Keep it in your pants. 347 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:57,329 You see, ladies, it's important that you come prepared to class. 348 00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,132 Because when we're prepared... 349 00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:02,368 then we're ready to face life's challenges. 350 00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:07,140 Well, Farley, let's see whether or not you came prepared today. 351 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,804 Spread 'em. 352 00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,221 Excuse me. Do you have a visitors' pass? 353 00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,023 Tracy Dettweiler? 354 00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:24,518 - John Farley? - Wh... You remember me? 355 00:19:24,563 --> 00:19:26,588 Well, yeah, you're famous! 356 00:19:27,566 --> 00:19:29,363 What are you doing here? 357 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:32,234 Oh, gee... what are you doing here? 358 00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:34,466 Oh, l... I teach English. 359 00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,996 - Wow. - Ha ha ha! 360 00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:37,941 I really wish I had you as an English teacher. 361 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:39,807 I would have paid way more attention in class. 362 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:42,973 Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. What year were you in again? 363 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,347 Uh, same as you, actually. 364 00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:47,113 - Really? - Yeah. I was... 365 00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,347 I was actually your 7th grade lab partner. 366 00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,714 Wait. Fat John? 367 00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,226 - No way! Fat John! - Yeah. 368 00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,728 Yep, I was fat. 369 00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,128 Ha ha ha! 370 00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,359 Wow, you've changed a lot. 371 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,925 Yeah. Thank you. 372 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,199 You're welcome. A... And they're giving you the Corn Cob Key. 373 00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,502 - I mean, that's amazing. - Nah, it's nothing. 374 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:11,600 Don't be modest. l... l... I love your book. 375 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:14,407 I mean, you totally deserve the award. 376 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:16,243 - Wh... Really? - Yeah. 377 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,272 - Wow, thank you. - Mm. 378 00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:22,014 Say, listen, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to, uh... um... 379 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,022 uh, a drink or go out for dinner or something? 380 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,854 I'd... love to but l... I can't. 381 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,792 I've got cheerleading practice. 382 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,852 - That's awesome. - No! 383 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,295 I'm the coach now. 384 00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:33,923 - Oh, oh. - Yeah. 385 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,400 Um, h... here's my number. 386 00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:40,898 Call me. 387 00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:43,237 - I will. - OK. Bye. 388 00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:44,902 Bye. 389 00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:50,747 God, I'm so glad I wrote that book! 390 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,587 According to my syllabus... 391 00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,717 we should be well into wrestling by now. 392 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,818 But because of your lack of focus... 393 00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:06,797 we've yet to get past the fundamentals of kickball. 394 00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:08,766 Kreamer, first rule of Bunting. 395 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,825 Um, do... don't... 396 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:13,133 There is no Bunting in kickball, Kreamer. 397 00:21:13,171 --> 00:21:15,639 Set of ten. 398 00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:18,973 Henderson, is there a reason why your shoe is untied? 399 00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:21,275 - Um... - You see on the kickball field... 400 00:21:21,313 --> 00:21:23,281 a screw-up like that can put you in a wheelchair. 401 00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:24,873 You'll end up writing your name... 402 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,281 with a pencil taped to your head... 403 00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:28,286 the rest of your life. Set of ten. 404 00:21:30,422 --> 00:21:33,357 Until you learn the basics of any sport... 405 00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:35,292 you cannot participate in it... 406 00:21:35,327 --> 00:21:37,522 let alone excel in it. 407 00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:39,655 What are you doing in my class? 408 00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:41,256 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. 409 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,200 Well, you did. Set of ten. 410 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,669 - What? - It was a joke. 411 00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:48,332 - What do you want? - Maybe I should just come back. 412 00:21:52,678 --> 00:21:54,236 Maybe you should spit it out now... 413 00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:55,803 so I don't have to explain to their parents... 414 00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:58,077 why they didn't graduate on time. 415 00:21:58,116 --> 00:22:00,016 Well, I've just been feeling... 416 00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:02,680 like there's been some tension between us. 417 00:22:02,721 --> 00:22:05,189 Like at dinner, with the check, and uh... 418 00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,986 I guess I just wanted to say... 419 00:22:07,025 --> 00:22:09,994 that some of that might have been my fault. 420 00:22:11,763 --> 00:22:13,663 I'm sorry, he seems to be in pain. 421 00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:14,893 - Who? - Him! 422 00:22:14,933 --> 00:22:18,164 He's fine. Kreamer, off your knees. 423 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:19,329 Well, he doesn't look fine. 424 00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:20,861 Listen, I have a class to teach... 425 00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:23,466 so why don't you get to your point, if you've got one? 426 00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:27,569 I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry. 427 00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:36,613 And I'm sure for your part you're a little sorry too. 428 00:22:36,655 --> 00:22:39,556 - I don't do sorry. - What? 429 00:22:39,591 --> 00:22:42,583 Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups and I'm neither one. 430 00:22:42,627 --> 00:22:44,458 Get up, Henderson. 431 00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:46,589 Not you, Kreamer. 432 00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:48,724 Now, if you don't mind... 433 00:22:48,767 --> 00:22:51,065 these children are in need of an education. 434 00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,300 Schwartz, you better fight your way... 435 00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:55,806 past that stutter of yours... 436 00:22:55,841 --> 00:22:58,571 and tell me about the pop fly rule as it pertains to kickball. 437 00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,775 W... Well, it... it... 438 00:23:02,814 --> 00:23:04,076 It... 439 00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:08,044 - When... - S... s... s... s... s... s... s... set of ten. 440 00:23:08,086 --> 00:23:12,750 Fine. My mom wants to date that asshole, she can go right ahead. 441 00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:16,022 Chapter 12. Never interfere in other people's lives. 442 00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:19,224 I don't think Mr. Woodcock's right for you. 443 00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:21,562 - Really? - Yeah. 444 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,659 He's, um... 445 00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:28,171 well, the truth is, he's not a very nice person, Mom. 446 00:23:28,206 --> 00:23:29,798 - He isn't? - Do you remember when I used to... 447 00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,866 come home crying every day after school? 448 00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,400 You were so sensitive. 449 00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:35,276 That's why you're so good at what you do. 450 00:23:35,313 --> 00:23:36,940 It's not about being sensitive, Mom. 451 00:23:36,982 --> 00:23:38,540 He made all of us miserable. 452 00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:41,381 Sweetheart, you just hated anything athletic. 453 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,354 You can't blame Jasper for that. 454 00:23:43,388 --> 00:23:45,185 You don't know him like I do. 455 00:23:45,223 --> 00:23:47,783 And you don't know him like I do. 456 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,361 - He touched me. - What? 457 00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:54,923 OK, that's not true. 458 00:23:54,966 --> 00:23:56,900 But he's mean, and he's cruel. 459 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,960 Mom, I'm telling you, he's still... 460 00:23:59,004 --> 00:24:00,733 He's still what? 461 00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:03,104 He's still teaching gym. 462 00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:05,974 - Oh! What'd you bring me? - Dinner. 463 00:24:06,011 --> 00:24:09,503 Sorry I'm late. Had a long day. Got a little behind. 464 00:24:09,548 --> 00:24:14,178 Wow. Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska. 465 00:24:14,219 --> 00:24:16,653 Well, I am known for my meat. 466 00:24:16,688 --> 00:24:18,451 You only got 2 though, sweetie. 467 00:24:18,490 --> 00:24:22,119 I'm sorry. I guess it must have slipped my mind. 468 00:24:24,062 --> 00:24:26,587 John, you don't mind running to the store, do you? 469 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:28,258 No. 470 00:24:29,234 --> 00:24:31,031 Take your time. 471 00:24:35,707 --> 00:24:38,175 "I'm known for my meat!" 472 00:24:38,210 --> 00:24:40,508 "I'm known for my meat." 473 00:24:40,545 --> 00:24:43,343 Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock. 474 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:45,076 You're known for emotionally crippling... 475 00:24:45,116 --> 00:24:47,050 an entire generation of children. 476 00:24:50,555 --> 00:24:51,783 Dickhead! 477 00:25:04,102 --> 00:25:06,229 Mom. 478 00:25:06,271 --> 00:25:07,670 Sweetheart. 479 00:25:07,706 --> 00:25:09,537 What's wrong? 480 00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:12,543 Jasper and I are no longer dating. 481 00:25:13,078 --> 00:25:15,069 Oh. 482 00:25:15,113 --> 00:25:17,980 That's so sad. 483 00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:20,246 What happened? 484 00:25:21,786 --> 00:25:23,481 We're engaged. 485 00:25:24,122 --> 00:25:25,612 Oh. 486 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:32,425 Have we heard a congratulations yet? 487 00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:35,900 Oh, I think he's in shock. 488 00:25:35,934 --> 00:25:37,834 That's so good. 489 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,302 Oh, I'll get it. 490 00:25:39,337 --> 00:25:41,532 I wanna start spreading the news. 491 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,699 Mm. 492 00:25:47,078 --> 00:25:48,238 Ha ha ha. 493 00:25:49,748 --> 00:25:51,375 Hello? 494 00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,248 Well, it looks like I'm gonna be your new dad. 495 00:25:58,523 --> 00:26:01,287 Come on, Johnny. Stay, help us celebrate. 496 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,191 Sorry, Mom. Book tour emergency. 497 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,889 I have to get to the airport. 498 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:07,455 - You haven't eaten. - l... I'll grab something on the way. 499 00:26:07,499 --> 00:26:08,989 I love you, Mom. It's great to see you. 500 00:26:09,034 --> 00:26:10,524 I love you too. 501 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,230 Farley. 502 00:26:16,107 --> 00:26:17,597 Be safe. 503 00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:29,376 Eenie, meanie, miney... 504 00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:31,520 Farley. 505 00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:36,861 There's no truer test of the human spirit... 506 00:26:36,895 --> 00:26:38,385 than wrestling. 507 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:45,396 That's called a takedown. 508 00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:46,961 Get up, Farley. 509 00:26:47,005 --> 00:26:48,870 There are many kinds of takedowns. 510 00:26:48,907 --> 00:26:51,774 Today, we're going to cover some of my favorites. 511 00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:54,404 This is called the head and arm. 512 00:26:55,647 --> 00:26:57,615 This is called the single leg sweep. 513 00:26:57,649 --> 00:26:59,310 You step and you sweep! 514 00:27:00,819 --> 00:27:02,184 This is called the fireman's throw. 515 00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:05,451 Shoot the crotch, collapse the hip and sling shot. 516 00:27:08,093 --> 00:27:09,651 OK, Farley, you're up. 517 00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:11,321 What? 518 00:27:11,363 --> 00:27:13,695 Put me on the mat. 519 00:27:13,732 --> 00:27:15,393 Come on. You were paying attention, weren't you? 520 00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:17,060 Let's go. 521 00:27:19,604 --> 00:27:21,128 OK, take me down. 522 00:27:24,275 --> 00:27:27,711 You see there is no reason why even a little porker like this... 523 00:27:27,746 --> 00:27:29,373 shouldn't be able to take me straight to the mat. 524 00:27:29,414 --> 00:27:31,780 I once saw a 4-foot Laotian... 525 00:27:31,816 --> 00:27:33,875 twist a 250lb Swede so hard... 526 00:27:33,918 --> 00:27:35,510 that he mopped the bleachers with his blood. 527 00:27:35,553 --> 00:27:37,350 The only reason I'm still standing... 528 00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:39,857 is because you don't believe in yourself, Farley! 529 00:27:39,891 --> 00:27:41,654 You don't believe in yourself! 530 00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:44,854 Stop the cab! Stop! 531 00:27:44,896 --> 00:27:47,763 Don't believe in myself, my ass! 532 00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:49,664 I invented believing in yourself. 533 00:27:49,701 --> 00:27:51,965 No way in hell this guy's gonna run me out of my own house. 534 00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,370 Wow. Woodcock's still plowing your mom, huh? 535 00:27:55,407 --> 00:27:57,341 He's marrying her. 536 00:27:57,375 --> 00:28:00,037 Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom? 537 00:28:00,078 --> 00:28:01,636 Ha ha ha. Dudes! 538 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,148 Don't even think about it! 539 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,706 Get me a pitcher! 540 00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:09,686 What is that, Canadian bacon? 541 00:28:09,721 --> 00:28:12,155 So I guess the talk didn't go very well? 542 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:15,091 God, can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it? 543 00:28:15,126 --> 00:28:18,027 A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten! 544 00:28:18,063 --> 00:28:20,224 You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap. 545 00:28:20,265 --> 00:28:23,200 You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley. 546 00:28:23,234 --> 00:28:25,361 That sucks. What are you gonna do? 547 00:28:25,403 --> 00:28:27,337 I'm gonna kill Woodcock. 548 00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:28,805 - And you're gonna help me. - John. 549 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,035 I've already got 2 strikes and I can't be a part of... 550 00:28:31,076 --> 00:28:33,271 I'm just venting here. Is that OK? Is it OK if a guy vents? 551 00:28:33,311 --> 00:28:35,609 Yeah, sure, because I thought you were serious. 552 00:28:35,647 --> 00:28:37,547 Ha! I've got it. I'm gonna break them up. 553 00:28:37,582 --> 00:28:39,379 How are you gonna do that? 554 00:28:39,417 --> 00:28:42,477 You see, I made a mistake before. 555 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:44,613 I let him take me out of my game. 556 00:28:44,656 --> 00:28:47,648 But this time, I'm gonna get inside his head... 557 00:28:47,692 --> 00:28:49,387 and spin him like a top. 558 00:28:49,427 --> 00:28:54,057 That's good. I don't remember anything like that in your book. 559 00:28:54,099 --> 00:28:55,964 It's not in my book, Nedderman. 560 00:28:58,002 --> 00:28:59,902 - Hello. - Hey, John. 561 00:28:59,938 --> 00:29:02,065 - How's my favorite author? - Hey, Maggie. 562 00:29:02,107 --> 00:29:03,768 Hold on a second. 563 00:29:03,808 --> 00:29:06,299 OK, Mommy time's over. 564 00:29:06,344 --> 00:29:07,333 But don't be sad. 565 00:29:07,378 --> 00:29:09,346 Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta talk to you about that. 566 00:29:09,380 --> 00:29:12,349 I know you have some kind of corn chowder thing on Sunday... 567 00:29:12,383 --> 00:29:14,874 but look, I have amazing news. Oprah... 568 00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:17,353 is seriously considering your book for the book club. 569 00:29:17,388 --> 00:29:19,652 It's unbelievable. I have you on a 9:30 flight out... 570 00:29:19,691 --> 00:29:21,625 and then I'll meet you on the connecting flight in St. Louis. 571 00:29:21,659 --> 00:29:23,058 Maggie, I can't. 572 00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:25,562 - It's a long story but l... I can't. - Knock it off! 573 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:28,259 - You can't what? - I can't make it to Chicago. 574 00:29:28,299 --> 00:29:30,893 My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist. 575 00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:34,132 Look, I don't care if your granny's on fire. 576 00:29:34,172 --> 00:29:35,469 This is Oprah. 577 00:29:35,507 --> 00:29:36,940 She farts on a book... 578 00:29:36,975 --> 00:29:38,909 and it magically sells a million copies. 579 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:40,740 Just get your ass on that plane! 580 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,441 - Maggie, please, listen... - Breaking up this phone call. 581 00:29:43,481 --> 00:29:47,713 Get on... plane tomorrow. 582 00:29:47,752 --> 00:29:50,050 Hey! Where are you going? 583 00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:52,955 W... Wait! Tell me more about your wife! 584 00:29:57,595 --> 00:29:59,119 Mom? 585 00:30:02,233 --> 00:30:05,532 See, I made a mistake before. I let him take me off my game. 586 00:30:05,570 --> 00:30:08,300 But this time I'm gonna get inside his head... 587 00:30:08,339 --> 00:30:09,704 and spin him like a top. 588 00:30:10,608 --> 00:30:12,337 Spin him like a top. 589 00:30:12,377 --> 00:30:14,208 - Spin him like... - Tickle machine! 590 00:30:14,245 --> 00:30:16,679 No, no, no! Not a tickle machine. No! 591 00:30:16,714 --> 00:30:19,342 Oh, oh, stop it! 592 00:30:19,384 --> 00:30:22,217 Oh, Jasper, mind... 593 00:30:24,689 --> 00:30:26,884 Who was that? I think someone's in the house. 594 00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:29,018 - Don't worry, I got it. - Be careful. 595 00:30:32,030 --> 00:30:34,055 Oh, shit! 596 00:30:35,033 --> 00:30:38,264 No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow! 597 00:30:38,303 --> 00:30:40,703 Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John! 598 00:30:40,738 --> 00:30:43,468 Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man! 599 00:30:43,508 --> 00:30:46,204 - Oh! Johnny! - What the hell, Woodcock? 600 00:30:46,244 --> 00:30:48,474 Well, it was dark. Instinct took over. 601 00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:50,242 What about when I said, "It's me! It's John!" 602 00:30:50,281 --> 00:30:52,875 John's a very common name. There could be a burglar named John. 603 00:30:52,917 --> 00:30:55,044 What burglar shouts out his own name? 604 00:30:55,086 --> 00:30:58,317 I'm sure it was an accident, sweetie. l... um... 605 00:30:58,356 --> 00:31:00,085 Honey, I thought you were in danger. 606 00:31:00,124 --> 00:31:01,955 Oh. 607 00:31:01,993 --> 00:31:04,359 Are you all right? 608 00:31:04,395 --> 00:31:06,192 Yeah, I'm fine. 609 00:31:06,231 --> 00:31:08,199 Well, uh, J... John, what are you doing here? 610 00:31:08,233 --> 00:31:09,495 I thought about it... 611 00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:11,058 and I just didn't want to disappoint you, Mom. 612 00:31:11,102 --> 00:31:14,697 Aw, that is so sweet. 613 00:31:14,739 --> 00:31:17,606 - Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm great. 614 00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:20,076 All right, well, then, um... 615 00:31:20,111 --> 00:31:22,636 - we'll see you in the morning. - Great. 616 00:31:23,314 --> 00:31:24,804 Come on, Jasper. 617 00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:27,742 Farley. 618 00:32:12,330 --> 00:32:15,356 So you really didn't know it was me last night? 619 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:16,697 Well, that's what happens... 620 00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:18,759 when you go sneaking around someone else's house. 621 00:32:18,803 --> 00:32:20,270 What do you mean, someone else's house? 622 00:32:20,305 --> 00:32:21,795 Well, last time I checked, chief... 623 00:32:21,839 --> 00:32:23,136 you don't live here anymore. 624 00:32:23,174 --> 00:32:25,005 That's not the point. 625 00:32:48,599 --> 00:32:51,762 - Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God. - Sorry. 626 00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:54,294 That is so rude. Don't do that. 627 00:32:54,339 --> 00:32:55,738 - Good morning. - Good morning. 628 00:32:55,773 --> 00:32:57,707 - I love you. - Oh, thank you. 629 00:32:57,742 --> 00:32:59,733 Oh, I love you too. 630 00:32:59,777 --> 00:33:02,109 - I love you so much. - Aww. Thank you. 631 00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:03,943 He's the best. 632 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,814 Well, if it isn't the future Mrs. Woodcock. 633 00:33:06,851 --> 00:33:08,785 Aww. 634 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:12,654 Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. 635 00:33:13,324 --> 00:33:14,689 Mmmm! Ha ha! 636 00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:17,661 Hey, Jasper. How about we spend the day together? 637 00:33:17,695 --> 00:33:19,356 Get to know each other better, you know? 638 00:33:19,397 --> 00:33:22,798 - What a great idea. - Yeah. 639 00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:26,802 Actually, I have a lot on my plate today, John. 640 00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:29,500 Oh, come on. We'll have fun. 641 00:33:29,540 --> 00:33:32,338 - Mmm! - I'll take a rain check. 642 00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:33,674 Honey. 643 00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:37,309 I'm glad we're doing this. 644 00:33:37,348 --> 00:33:38,815 Getting to know each other better... 645 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,477 talking things out. 646 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:42,918 Conversation leads to inspiration, right? 647 00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,790 That's from my book. 648 00:33:46,824 --> 00:33:49,349 Ah, I'll get you a copy. 649 00:33:49,394 --> 00:33:53,694 Look, I love my mom. We're very, very close. 650 00:33:53,731 --> 00:33:55,722 Not in a weird way, of course. Just close. 651 00:33:55,767 --> 00:33:57,166 Listen, we could be pals. 652 00:33:57,201 --> 00:33:59,533 We could be guys that sit and watch foot... 653 00:33:59,570 --> 00:34:02,801 ...hanging loose at the gym. To me, this is what life is about. 654 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,434 Now, I'm not saying there's a problem here. I don't judge. 655 00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:07,535 You guys have only known each other 5 months. 656 00:34:07,578 --> 00:34:10,308 You've got your whole life ahead of you. You could be kids. 657 00:34:10,348 --> 00:34:12,509 I don't know what you guys like to do... 658 00:34:12,550 --> 00:34:14,575 but it's just that's... that's what's important. 659 00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:17,110 I'm just trying to tell you, don't rush, OK? 660 00:34:17,155 --> 00:34:19,282 Don't rush your life. 661 00:34:19,323 --> 00:34:21,086 You know? 662 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:24,653 Running your mouth doesn't count as exercise. 663 00:34:24,695 --> 00:34:26,424 You gonna work out or what? 664 00:35:14,846 --> 00:35:17,007 I think you'll survive. 665 00:35:17,048 --> 00:35:18,845 You're not showering? 666 00:35:18,883 --> 00:35:21,147 No, no. I'm good. 667 00:35:21,185 --> 00:35:22,709 This is not France, Farley. 668 00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:24,345 Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day... 669 00:35:24,388 --> 00:35:26,515 but I gotta be in the car with you. 670 00:35:26,557 --> 00:35:29,958 There are kids in Africa who'd kill for a shower. 671 00:35:31,028 --> 00:35:32,791 Come on, Farley. Move it. 672 00:35:34,198 --> 00:35:35,688 You called me Farley. 673 00:35:35,733 --> 00:35:38,167 You used to call me that when I was in your class. 674 00:35:38,202 --> 00:35:40,397 It's your name, isn't it? 675 00:35:40,438 --> 00:35:42,303 You really don't remember me? 676 00:35:42,340 --> 00:35:44,035 Well, with your innate athletic ability... 677 00:35:44,075 --> 00:35:45,269 it's hard to believe, huh? 678 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:47,140 Do you remember what... 679 00:35:47,178 --> 00:35:49,078 Simply rub the solution on your teeth... 680 00:35:49,113 --> 00:35:51,206 wait a few moments and then rinse. 681 00:35:52,750 --> 00:35:55,947 - Morning, boys. - Jasper, you old side-winder. 682 00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:57,477 Come to get your ears lowered? 683 00:35:57,522 --> 00:35:59,285 Hey, you look like you could stand... 684 00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:01,814 to have a little taken off the top, you damn hippy. 685 00:36:01,859 --> 00:36:03,224 Well, looks like you could stand... 686 00:36:03,261 --> 00:36:05,889 to have a little taken off the middle, you fat son of a bitch. 687 00:36:05,930 --> 00:36:07,830 Ha ha ha! 688 00:36:07,865 --> 00:36:10,857 Hee hee hee. 689 00:36:10,902 --> 00:36:13,200 You got an appointment? 690 00:36:13,237 --> 00:36:15,603 - No, sir. I'm with him. - Sit down, Farley. 691 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,699 God knows you could use a little trim. 692 00:36:17,742 --> 00:36:19,004 - Ha ha ha! - I don't know, Jasper. 693 00:36:19,043 --> 00:36:21,603 You think that boy even knows what trim is? 694 00:36:21,646 --> 00:36:23,637 Ha ha ha! 695 00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:25,478 Sit down, Huckleberry. 696 00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:28,849 - Maybe clean up the back a little bit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 697 00:36:28,886 --> 00:36:32,447 So, Jasper. How's that hell cat of yours doing? 698 00:36:32,490 --> 00:36:35,152 - Yeah, she's keeping me young. - Yes, she is. 699 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:37,161 - In the sack. - Ha! 700 00:36:37,195 --> 00:36:40,528 Yeah, well, I'm gonna make an honest woman out of her. 701 00:36:40,565 --> 00:36:42,396 Thought you woulda learned the first time. 702 00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:44,924 Yeah, guess not. 703 00:36:44,969 --> 00:36:46,664 You never told me you were married before. 704 00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:49,673 Yeah, well, I never told you about my kidney stones either. So what? 705 00:36:51,609 --> 00:36:53,873 Whoa! What are you doing? 706 00:36:53,911 --> 00:36:56,846 Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy! 707 00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:59,247 It's just a pair of clippers. 708 00:37:03,754 --> 00:37:06,052 You knew they were gonna do that. 709 00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:08,081 If you didn't want a haircut you didn't have to get one. 710 00:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,116 This is not Russia. 711 00:37:18,769 --> 00:37:22,000 - You're late, you fairy! - How you doing, Dad? 712 00:37:22,039 --> 00:37:25,065 All I do all day is watch Judge Joe Brown and piss myself. 713 00:37:25,109 --> 00:37:26,804 How the hell do you think I'm doing? 714 00:37:26,844 --> 00:37:29,039 Wait, you have a father? 715 00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:30,707 Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus. 716 00:37:30,748 --> 00:37:34,445 - Who is this genius? - It's, uh, Beverly's kid. 717 00:37:34,485 --> 00:37:35,816 Looks like he got a little retard in him. 718 00:37:35,853 --> 00:37:37,047 Are you simple, boy? 719 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:38,885 - Ha ha ha. - So, Dad... 720 00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,721 - I'm getting married. - Again? 721 00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:42,783 So... Yes. 722 00:37:42,827 --> 00:37:44,761 Didn't you screw that up enough the first time? 723 00:37:44,795 --> 00:37:48,424 I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll outlive this marriage. And you! 724 00:37:48,466 --> 00:37:52,334 How down on her luck must your momma be to marry a gym teacher? 725 00:37:52,370 --> 00:37:55,999 She knows that he plays hopscotch for a living, right? 726 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,133 - You think I'm funny, boy? - No. 727 00:37:58,175 --> 00:38:00,109 - You want to wrestle me? - Uh, no, thank you. 728 00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:01,839 Come on, wrestle an old man! 729 00:38:01,879 --> 00:38:03,312 - Dad... - Come on, cream puff! 730 00:38:03,347 --> 00:38:06,578 My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on! 731 00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:08,608 - Dad, Dad... - Come on! 732 00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:11,315 I'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool? 733 00:38:11,355 --> 00:38:15,018 Water sports is for girls and sodomites! 734 00:38:15,059 --> 00:38:16,048 Sodomites. 735 00:38:16,093 --> 00:38:18,027 OK, I'll see you later, Dad. 736 00:38:18,062 --> 00:38:20,758 - Well, it was a pleasure. - Beat it, fruitcake! 737 00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:23,494 He seems like a really nice guy. 738 00:38:23,534 --> 00:38:25,900 You want a shoe up your ass, Farley? 739 00:38:25,936 --> 00:38:27,028 No. 740 00:38:28,673 --> 00:38:30,834 Robinson, go dump a bedpan. 741 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:35,779 OK, let's move it. 742 00:38:41,619 --> 00:38:43,314 Get those arms up! 743 00:38:44,522 --> 00:38:46,854 Where's Palumbo? 744 00:38:46,891 --> 00:38:49,621 Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf? 745 00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:51,093 Into the pool! 746 00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:54,658 Palumbo, don't push me. 747 00:38:54,699 --> 00:38:58,100 I think his hearing aid is on the fritz. 748 00:38:58,135 --> 00:38:59,966 I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver? 749 00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:01,164 Well, no, I guess not. 750 00:39:01,205 --> 00:39:03,469 Rhetorical question, Weaver. Take a lap. 751 00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:05,975 Oh. I was just trying to help! 752 00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:07,910 Don't you think you're being a little harsh with them? 753 00:39:07,945 --> 00:39:10,004 They're just old, Farley. They're not pathetic. 754 00:39:10,047 --> 00:39:11,708 They enjoy a challenge. 755 00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:16,043 Move those legs. 756 00:39:17,555 --> 00:39:19,819 I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo. 757 00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,688 Lose the attitude. 758 00:39:21,726 --> 00:39:24,126 Oh, you think this is funny? 759 00:39:24,161 --> 00:39:26,220 All right, that's it, Palumbo. It's go time. 760 00:39:26,263 --> 00:39:27,252 What the... 761 00:39:27,298 --> 00:39:28,731 And Platts, don't think I'm not watching you. 762 00:39:28,766 --> 00:39:31,530 You're not the first person in the world to get a hip replacement. 763 00:39:31,569 --> 00:39:33,867 Pick up the pace! 764 00:39:33,904 --> 00:39:36,270 OK, Palumbo, this is your last chance. 765 00:39:38,576 --> 00:39:40,441 Oh, really? OK, we'll do it your way, then. 766 00:39:40,478 --> 00:39:42,605 - Whoa, whoa... - Sink or swim, old man. 767 00:39:42,646 --> 00:39:44,841 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! - Sink or swim! 768 00:39:46,283 --> 00:39:47,682 Jesus, are you insane? 769 00:39:47,718 --> 00:39:49,208 He doesn't need your help, Farley. 770 00:39:49,253 --> 00:39:51,084 What the hell, man? Aah! 771 00:39:57,161 --> 00:39:59,152 Sir, it's all right. I'm trying to help you. 772 00:39:59,196 --> 00:40:02,188 I'm trying to save your life! 773 00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:03,860 Oh! 774 00:40:19,116 --> 00:40:20,310 Hm. 775 00:40:28,526 --> 00:40:30,221 Jackass! 776 00:40:32,263 --> 00:40:34,823 Nice job, Scardusio. Did you get any tongue? 777 00:40:34,865 --> 00:40:37,459 No, but I get better suction without the choppers. 778 00:40:37,501 --> 00:40:39,230 Makes sense. 779 00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,928 Oh! 780 00:40:46,610 --> 00:40:48,635 Come on, Farley, let's saddle up. 781 00:40:48,679 --> 00:40:50,237 I'm waiting for my clothes to dry. 782 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,615 - Hello? - Hey, John. 783 00:40:54,652 --> 00:40:56,950 I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago. 784 00:40:56,987 --> 00:40:58,818 And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me. 785 00:40:58,856 --> 00:41:00,653 - Who? - Nobody! 786 00:41:00,691 --> 00:41:03,489 Now where is your ass and why isn't it in seat 2A? 787 00:41:04,228 --> 00:41:06,093 Man, just hold on a second. I got another call. 788 00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:07,859 - Hello? - I got your message, dude. 789 00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:11,061 - What's going on? - Hey. Hold on. 790 00:41:11,101 --> 00:41:14,036 You know, Mr. Woodcock, I'm just gonna get myself home. 791 00:41:14,071 --> 00:41:17,006 Suit yourself, Farley. Just get some pants on. 792 00:41:17,041 --> 00:41:18,975 This is not Miami. 793 00:41:19,710 --> 00:41:21,735 Suddenly it makes sense. 794 00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:26,708 Nedderman, Woodcock's been married before. 795 00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:28,513 Now, I need you to find out who she is... 796 00:41:28,552 --> 00:41:29,712 and then pick me up at Alterman's. 797 00:41:29,753 --> 00:41:31,983 Right. The nursing home? 798 00:41:32,022 --> 00:41:33,751 Yeah, and bring me some underwear. 799 00:41:33,791 --> 00:41:35,554 Some of mine? 800 00:41:35,593 --> 00:41:37,527 - Listen, Maggie. - Hello? 801 00:41:37,561 --> 00:41:39,153 Everything's going to shit right now, OK? 802 00:41:39,196 --> 00:41:40,185 I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow. 803 00:41:40,231 --> 00:41:42,028 No, John, don't hang... 804 00:41:42,066 --> 00:41:43,499 Asshole! 805 00:41:45,402 --> 00:41:48,667 Excuse me. Hi. Could I get a real bottle, please? 806 00:41:48,706 --> 00:41:50,970 I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll. 807 00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,175 What happened to your head? 808 00:41:55,212 --> 00:41:57,305 Just drive, Nedderman. 809 00:42:00,150 --> 00:42:01,913 Her name is Sally Jensen. 810 00:42:01,952 --> 00:42:04,182 Oh, good work! Let's go see her right now. 811 00:42:04,221 --> 00:42:05,688 Why? 812 00:42:05,723 --> 00:42:08,089 Well, think about it, Nedderman. 813 00:42:08,125 --> 00:42:10,719 Who's more likely to have dirt on Woodcock than his ex-wife? 814 00:42:10,761 --> 00:42:13,252 But in your book don't you say... 815 00:42:13,297 --> 00:42:15,492 digging up the past muddies up the present? 816 00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:17,433 Yes, I do... 817 00:42:17,468 --> 00:42:18,958 but that's only true if the past... 818 00:42:19,003 --> 00:42:20,595 doesn't actually affect the present. 819 00:42:20,638 --> 00:42:22,503 Think about it, Nedderman. 820 00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,633 If I can learn something about Woodcock's past... 821 00:42:24,675 --> 00:42:28,111 that'll save my mom from future heartache in the future... 822 00:42:28,145 --> 00:42:29,612 then I don't really have a choice... 823 00:42:29,647 --> 00:42:31,376 but to address it in the present, right? 824 00:42:31,415 --> 00:42:33,406 l... Guess not. 825 00:42:33,450 --> 00:42:35,350 Exactly. 826 00:42:38,789 --> 00:42:40,552 Who is that? 827 00:42:40,591 --> 00:42:42,650 That's my brother, Clark. 828 00:42:48,032 --> 00:42:50,330 There it is. 829 00:42:50,367 --> 00:42:52,597 Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock. 830 00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:54,735 All right. I'm going in. 831 00:42:54,772 --> 00:42:57,832 Nedderman, I need you to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right? 832 00:42:57,875 --> 00:43:01,868 Think outside the box. See the challenge, focus on it... 833 00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:04,642 visualize, attack it and then reuse it, OK? 834 00:43:04,682 --> 00:43:07,242 - You got me? - l... I won't let you down, John. I promise. 835 00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:10,276 - Thanks for the underwear. - Sorry if they're big. 836 00:43:14,792 --> 00:43:16,919 Hey, see if she has a pool! 837 00:43:16,961 --> 00:43:20,021 Or a koi pond! 838 00:43:20,064 --> 00:43:21,691 A fish tank? 839 00:43:21,732 --> 00:43:23,222 Nedderman. 840 00:43:26,503 --> 00:43:28,266 Sally Jensen? 841 00:43:29,573 --> 00:43:31,200 Who are you? 842 00:43:31,241 --> 00:43:33,971 Um, I'm John Farley. 843 00:43:35,112 --> 00:43:36,807 Can I get you something to drink? 844 00:43:36,847 --> 00:43:39,748 I think I have a clean glass around here somewhere. 845 00:43:39,783 --> 00:43:41,683 No, I'm good, thanks. 846 00:43:47,024 --> 00:43:49,049 I love your book. 847 00:43:49,093 --> 00:43:51,584 Turned my life around. 848 00:43:53,230 --> 00:43:55,562 Must be my lucky day. 849 00:43:55,599 --> 00:43:58,864 Hometown hero in the flesh right here in my own living room. 850 00:44:00,037 --> 00:44:02,005 What do you want? 851 00:44:02,039 --> 00:44:05,600 I'm doing research... for my next book. 852 00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:08,339 If you don't mind my asking, why did you divorce? 853 00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:10,142 Why do you think? 854 00:44:10,180 --> 00:44:11,647 Infidelity. 855 00:44:11,682 --> 00:44:14,913 Over and over again. 856 00:44:14,952 --> 00:44:17,716 Should have broke it off years earlier, but... 857 00:44:17,755 --> 00:44:19,052 But what? 858 00:44:19,089 --> 00:44:23,788 - The sex was amazing. - Oh. 859 00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:25,818 I'm telling you, that man knows how to use... 860 00:44:25,863 --> 00:44:27,490 what the good Lord gave him. 861 00:44:27,531 --> 00:44:29,556 Oh, right. Thanks for that. 862 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:33,195 Once, I actually blacked out. 863 00:44:33,237 --> 00:44:38,072 Can you imagine blacking out from sheer pleasure? 864 00:44:38,108 --> 00:44:42,772 Once I spoke Portuguese and I don't even know the language. 865 00:44:42,813 --> 00:44:45,509 - OK, I think that's enough. - Ha ha ha. 866 00:44:45,549 --> 00:44:47,642 Um, this has been very helpful... 867 00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,346 and disturbing all at the same time. 868 00:44:49,386 --> 00:44:52,913 Why? Do you know Jasper? 869 00:44:52,956 --> 00:44:56,357 Actually I do. Uh, he was a teacher of mine, years ago. 870 00:44:56,393 --> 00:44:58,987 And, uh, he's marrying my mom. 871 00:44:59,029 --> 00:45:02,294 Saw him last week at the coffee shop with her. 872 00:45:02,332 --> 00:45:04,732 A big-titted, blonde tramp. 873 00:45:04,768 --> 00:45:07,828 Sorry. No offense. 874 00:45:07,871 --> 00:45:10,999 She looks awfully young to be your mom. 875 00:45:11,041 --> 00:45:13,202 - He's cheating on her. - What? 876 00:45:13,243 --> 00:45:15,939 Yup. He cheated on his ex-wife. That's why they got divorced. 877 00:45:15,979 --> 00:45:17,003 Now he's doing the same thing to my mom... 878 00:45:17,047 --> 00:45:20,107 with some big-titted, blonde tramp. 879 00:45:20,150 --> 00:45:22,710 So that's great. So... So we just gotta tell your mom now. 880 00:45:23,353 --> 00:45:24,820 No, I can't just tell her. 881 00:45:24,855 --> 00:45:26,220 She doesn't listen to me when it comes to Woodcock. 882 00:45:26,256 --> 00:45:28,019 - We need proof. - No problem. 883 00:45:28,058 --> 00:45:29,923 We've been working on some killer stuff on our end. 884 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,724 Good. Meet me at my place as soon as possible. 885 00:45:36,934 --> 00:45:39,129 You wanted evidence, you got it. 886 00:45:39,169 --> 00:45:40,693 It may not prove Woodcock's cheating... 887 00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,569 but it does prove he's a huge dick. 888 00:45:42,606 --> 00:45:44,540 What happened to his eye? 889 00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:47,373 Look, don't worry about him. He's fine. 890 00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:51,643 When she sees this, man, she'll come to her senses. 891 00:45:51,682 --> 00:45:55,118 No, Mr. Woodcock. Please don't hurt me again. 892 00:45:55,152 --> 00:45:56,881 Aah! 893 00:45:58,188 --> 00:46:00,247 Ha ha ha. Well? 894 00:46:00,290 --> 00:46:02,815 You threw a chair at your brother? 895 00:46:02,860 --> 00:46:04,953 Weren't you watching? 896 00:46:04,995 --> 00:46:06,860 It wasn't me that threw the chair at him... 897 00:46:06,897 --> 00:46:08,728 it was Woodcock that threw the chair. 898 00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:10,597 He said Woodcock. Woodcock threw that chair! 899 00:46:10,634 --> 00:46:13,000 Honey? Hi, are you home? 900 00:46:13,036 --> 00:46:16,972 Oh, look, that's so nice. You've got some friends over. 901 00:46:17,007 --> 00:46:18,406 Hi, I'm John's mom. 902 00:46:21,411 --> 00:46:23,402 Nedderman. 903 00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:25,847 Nedderman. 904 00:46:25,883 --> 00:46:28,681 You remember him? We were in the same class. 905 00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:31,153 What happened to your head? 906 00:46:31,188 --> 00:46:32,883 Woodcock doesn't deserve her. 907 00:46:32,923 --> 00:46:35,187 Farley's mom is hot. I mean, yes, she's old and shit... 908 00:46:35,225 --> 00:46:37,159 but God, I just want to stick my face... 909 00:46:37,194 --> 00:46:40,391 between those great old titties and go, "Brrrrrrr! 910 00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:44,161 "Brrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrr!" 911 00:46:44,201 --> 00:46:45,930 Nedderman, turn it off. 912 00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:48,733 ...titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!" 913 00:46:49,673 --> 00:46:50,935 Big old... big old titties... 914 00:46:50,974 --> 00:46:52,407 Big old titties... 915 00:46:52,442 --> 00:46:53,966 - Jasper. - Brrrrrrrrr! 916 00:46:54,011 --> 00:46:55,171 Jasper! 917 00:46:56,980 --> 00:47:00,177 I meant that in the most respectful way possible. 918 00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:05,317 Run! 919 00:47:05,923 --> 00:47:07,618 Mrs. Farley! 920 00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:09,523 You people are sick, Farley. 921 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:12,393 - I barely know those guys, Mom. - OK... 922 00:47:12,429 --> 00:47:17,890 Well... Let's just pretend that never happened. 923 00:47:20,304 --> 00:47:22,898 Johnny, are you all right? 924 00:47:22,940 --> 00:47:27,877 Jasper said that he thought you seemed upset today. 925 00:47:27,911 --> 00:47:31,677 Oh! He did? Oh. 926 00:47:31,715 --> 00:47:35,617 Sweetie, look, I know that it's not easy for you... 927 00:47:35,652 --> 00:47:37,984 to have a new man in our house. 928 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:39,579 But we're getting married... 929 00:47:39,623 --> 00:47:41,386 and he's gonna be part of our family. 930 00:47:43,360 --> 00:47:47,626 All I want is for just you two to get along. 931 00:47:47,664 --> 00:47:50,394 Is that asking too much? 932 00:47:50,434 --> 00:47:51,924 Could you try? 933 00:47:51,969 --> 00:47:53,493 For me? 934 00:47:55,172 --> 00:47:56,730 OK. 935 00:47:56,773 --> 00:47:59,173 - I love you, Mom. - Oh, sweetie. I love you too. 936 00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:02,042 - Thank you. Oh! - Sorry. 937 00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:04,411 Let's go to Cornival. Let's have a good time tonight. 938 00:48:04,448 --> 00:48:06,780 Great. We'll have a great night. All of us. 939 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:27,837 # My loves have some stories... # 940 00:48:29,172 --> 00:48:31,003 - Come on, tell me. - No, forget it. 941 00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:32,668 No, I want to know! 942 00:48:32,709 --> 00:48:35,303 - Look, I'm embarrassed, OK? - Oh! 943 00:48:35,345 --> 00:48:37,813 John, you can't just start saying something and then stop. 944 00:48:37,848 --> 00:48:40,544 - Come on. - Never mind, never mind. 945 00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:42,745 John. 946 00:48:42,786 --> 00:48:44,981 Oh, all right. Um... 947 00:48:45,022 --> 00:48:49,982 I've had the biggest crush on you since the 7th grade. 948 00:48:50,027 --> 00:48:54,259 Ha ha ha. And here we are! 949 00:48:54,298 --> 00:48:56,357 Yeah, here we are. 950 00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,231 The cornival. 951 00:48:58,268 --> 00:49:01,237 - I'm glad you called. - Yeah, me too. 952 00:49:02,506 --> 00:49:05,407 - Jasper! Let me do it. - Lift it up. Keep it up high. 953 00:49:06,877 --> 00:49:08,606 Oh! Now you're cheating! 954 00:49:08,645 --> 00:49:12,775 Aw. You have to admit, they're kind of cute together. 955 00:49:12,816 --> 00:49:14,511 You're kidding? 956 00:49:14,551 --> 00:49:17,645 No, your mom is beautiful. 957 00:49:17,688 --> 00:49:21,021 And Woodcock's kinda sexy, you know. 958 00:49:21,058 --> 00:49:23,322 - Mr. Woodcock? - Yeah. 959 00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:27,319 I mean, just, I don't know, the way he... he carries himself. 960 00:49:27,364 --> 00:49:29,457 - What? - There's just something about him. 961 00:49:29,499 --> 00:49:32,263 It's like this bravado and... I don't know. 962 00:49:32,302 --> 00:49:34,634 All the girls at school love him. I mean, he's hilarious. 963 00:49:34,671 --> 00:49:36,332 One time he grabbed me by my... 964 00:49:36,373 --> 00:49:37,931 He coxes them in the teachers' lounge. 965 00:49:37,975 --> 00:49:40,307 He has this little game that we play with his whistle. 966 00:49:40,344 --> 00:49:44,280 Actually, I've always kinda had a crush on Woodcock. 967 00:49:46,883 --> 00:49:49,977 Wow! You... you wanna go? 968 00:49:50,020 --> 00:49:51,544 Yeah, sure. 969 00:49:51,588 --> 00:49:53,556 That's cool, right? You're not... you're not gonna eat that. 970 00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,595 Hey, guys. How are you doing? 971 00:49:59,629 --> 00:50:01,995 Oh, good. I'm done. 972 00:50:02,032 --> 00:50:04,933 Um, why don't you two play a little bit, huh? 973 00:50:04,968 --> 00:50:07,027 - I thought you wanted to win a panda. - Oh, it's all right. 974 00:50:07,070 --> 00:50:09,129 - I'll win you a panda, Mom. - Oh! 975 00:50:09,172 --> 00:50:12,005 - Sure you brought enough cash? - Jasper. 976 00:50:12,042 --> 00:50:15,910 OK, so let's go get some cotton candy and let the boys play. 977 00:50:15,946 --> 00:50:17,504 - Yeah. - Good luck. 978 00:50:17,547 --> 00:50:19,947 Win me a puppy. 979 00:50:19,983 --> 00:50:22,315 - OK, Woodcock. - Looks like we got a challenge. 980 00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:24,479 - Let's play. - Good luck, young man. 981 00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:27,319 There you go, sir. Here we go! 982 00:50:27,357 --> 00:50:29,291 Ha! Harder than it looks! 983 00:50:29,326 --> 00:50:31,487 Hey, nice shot! 984 00:50:32,229 --> 00:50:34,129 Try again, kid. 985 00:50:34,164 --> 00:50:36,860 We got a shooter, folks! 986 00:50:36,900 --> 00:50:39,334 - Oh! - Nice one, Farley. 987 00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,860 - Damn it! - Whoo! 988 00:50:41,905 --> 00:50:43,372 That's a winner right there. 989 00:50:43,407 --> 00:50:46,467 Looks like a panda to me, sir. Nice job. 990 00:50:46,510 --> 00:50:50,276 All right, kid. Everybody's a winner. Ha ha ha! 991 00:50:51,615 --> 00:50:54,106 I've seen better shooting at the special Olympics. 992 00:50:54,151 --> 00:50:57,552 - Basketball's not really my game. - Really? 993 00:50:57,587 --> 00:50:59,919 What is your game? Whac A Mole? 994 00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,596 Stupid game! 995 00:51:09,633 --> 00:51:13,262 I just wanna warn you, Farley. I'm a card-carrying member of the N.R.A. 996 00:51:13,303 --> 00:51:15,464 You don't have a prayer. 997 00:51:15,505 --> 00:51:17,370 Ready, gentlemen! 998 00:51:27,951 --> 00:51:30,886 - We have a winner! - Don't be a sore loser. 999 00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:32,718 I'm telling you, my gun was messed up. 1000 00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:34,883 It's never the gun, Farley, it's always the hunter. 1001 00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:37,325 "Corn-eating Corntest." 1002 00:51:38,829 --> 00:51:40,729 Oh, it's on. 1003 00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:44,131 You're going down, Woodcock. 1004 00:51:44,167 --> 00:51:45,998 You must like getting spanked, Farley. 1005 00:51:46,036 --> 00:51:48,027 - I guess it runs in the family. - Here you go, boys. 1006 00:51:48,071 --> 00:51:49,129 Begin! 1007 00:51:49,172 --> 00:51:51,936 Oh, I shoulda known that you'd be here. 1008 00:51:51,975 --> 00:51:55,968 You know, Johnny won this competition what, 6 times in a row? 1009 00:51:56,012 --> 00:51:57,980 - 7. 7. - When he was little. 7 times! 1010 00:51:58,014 --> 00:51:59,948 And against adults, too! 1011 00:51:59,983 --> 00:52:02,918 And here we go, corn-testants! And may the best... 1012 00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:05,649 Oh, they're getting ready to go so we'll just go over here. 1013 00:52:05,689 --> 00:52:08,453 - Remember, half cobs do not count. - Good luck! 1014 00:52:08,492 --> 00:52:11,052 See you, girls. That's funny, Farley. 1015 00:52:11,094 --> 00:52:13,119 I didn't know fat kids ate their vegetables. 1016 00:52:13,163 --> 00:52:14,994 Save it for the corn-test, old man. 1017 00:52:15,031 --> 00:52:16,464 - Ready for this? - Yes! 1018 00:52:16,500 --> 00:52:18,695 Are the corn-testants ready for this? 1019 00:52:18,735 --> 00:52:22,796 If you are ready, then get set... 1020 00:52:24,674 --> 00:52:26,938 There they go, ladies and gentlemen... 1021 00:52:26,977 --> 00:52:28,535 Iook at them gnaw on that corn! 1022 00:52:28,578 --> 00:52:30,603 Do you see those teeth? 1023 00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:35,808 Half a cob doesn't count. 1024 00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:40,456 Pretty good there, Farley? 1025 00:52:40,490 --> 00:52:42,321 Keep it going. Look there. Look at them go. 1026 00:52:42,359 --> 00:52:43,986 You want to pace yourself, Farley. 1027 00:52:44,027 --> 00:52:46,621 Just let go, Woodcock. 1028 00:52:46,663 --> 00:52:50,997 Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off your neighbor's cob! 1029 00:52:51,034 --> 00:52:53,195 Penalty! 1030 00:52:53,236 --> 00:52:55,033 All right, here we go. Keep chewing that corn! 1031 00:52:56,873 --> 00:52:57,965 10 seconds left! 1032 00:52:58,008 --> 00:52:59,839 Coming down to the end now. 1033 00:52:59,876 --> 00:53:04,472 5, 4, 3... 1034 00:53:04,514 --> 00:53:06,414 2, 1! 1035 00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:23,431 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! 1036 00:53:23,466 --> 00:53:26,594 And that winner is, again... 1037 00:53:26,636 --> 00:53:28,604 - John Farley! - Whoo! 1038 00:53:28,638 --> 00:53:34,042 Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo! You got beat, sweetheart! 1039 00:53:34,077 --> 00:53:36,671 Whoo! Whoo! 1040 00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:40,114 Whooooooo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha ha ha! 1041 00:53:40,150 --> 00:53:44,587 Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo! Whooo-hoo-hoo! 1042 00:53:44,621 --> 00:53:46,953 I'm the big winner. I win! 1043 00:53:46,990 --> 00:53:50,050 I'm the big winner 'cause this is my house, bitch! 1044 00:53:50,093 --> 00:53:52,687 - Whoo-hoo! - John Michael Farley! 1045 00:53:52,729 --> 00:53:55,061 What has come over you? 1046 00:53:58,235 --> 00:53:59,702 Ugh! 1047 00:54:01,037 --> 00:54:04,438 It's OK, Farley. I know how to cheer her up. 1048 00:54:04,474 --> 00:54:07,671 Do me a favor. Snag my bears. 1049 00:54:07,711 --> 00:54:11,238 Well, John, you really... ate that corn. 1050 00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:17,417 Thanks. 1051 00:54:36,573 --> 00:54:37,972 - Hello? - Wake up! 1052 00:54:38,008 --> 00:54:40,033 I got something to show you. 1053 00:54:40,076 --> 00:54:42,010 Nedderman? What's going on? 1054 00:54:42,045 --> 00:54:43,706 And at 0800 hours... 1055 00:54:43,747 --> 00:54:45,510 a blonde chick rolled up in that car... 1056 00:54:45,548 --> 00:54:46,981 and went into Woodcock's house. 1057 00:54:47,017 --> 00:54:51,647 How long you been staking out his house? 1058 00:54:51,688 --> 00:54:53,622 17, 18 hours. 1059 00:54:56,192 --> 00:54:58,285 Hey... there she is! 1060 00:54:58,328 --> 00:55:02,321 - What? - Oh, that son of a bitch! 1061 00:55:02,365 --> 00:55:04,162 What kind of asshole would cheat on his wife... 1062 00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:05,633 before he's even married? 1063 00:55:05,669 --> 00:55:07,967 The same kind of asshole that would make a kid run laps... 1064 00:55:08,004 --> 00:55:09,767 until his nipples bleed. 1065 00:55:09,806 --> 00:55:11,103 Shit! 1066 00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:23,477 Now, then. We gotta go in there. 1067 00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:26,648 Oh, bro, staking out the guy's place is one thing... 1068 00:55:26,690 --> 00:55:28,248 but breaking and entering, that's another. 1069 00:55:28,291 --> 00:55:30,657 Nedderman, we need concrete proof. 1070 00:55:30,694 --> 00:55:31,991 John, I haven't shit my pants... 1071 00:55:32,028 --> 00:55:33,791 since the balance beam in the 7th grade. 1072 00:55:33,830 --> 00:55:36,196 l... l... I'd like to keep it that way. 1073 00:55:36,232 --> 00:55:37,893 And what about your book, chapter 14? 1074 00:55:37,934 --> 00:55:40,528 "Respect other people's boundaries." 1075 00:55:40,570 --> 00:55:42,197 Wait, do you have the book with you? 1076 00:55:42,238 --> 00:55:43,535 Yeah. 1077 00:55:43,573 --> 00:55:44,733 Oh, great. 1078 00:55:46,076 --> 00:55:48,374 Let me see this. See. 1079 00:55:51,214 --> 00:55:54,149 Forget the book! Just forget it! 1080 00:55:55,685 --> 00:55:57,448 I can't take this book anymore! 1081 00:55:57,487 --> 00:56:00,752 'Cause every 30 seconds you're in my ear, like, wah, wah, wah! 1082 00:56:00,790 --> 00:56:04,021 I can't do it, OK? I wrote it, I know what's in it! 1083 00:56:04,060 --> 00:56:07,029 It's crap! I'm done with it, OK? 1084 00:56:09,232 --> 00:56:10,460 What? 1085 00:56:10,500 --> 00:56:12,559 Hey... it's Tracy. 1086 00:56:13,970 --> 00:56:15,767 Hey, Tracy. 1087 00:56:15,805 --> 00:56:18,672 - How are you? - Fine. Um... 1088 00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:20,266 listen, John, about last night. 1089 00:56:20,310 --> 00:56:23,677 You seem like you're in a really weird place right now. 1090 00:56:23,713 --> 00:56:27,945 Really? No, I feel great. 1091 00:56:27,984 --> 00:56:29,110 I really do. 1092 00:56:29,152 --> 00:56:32,315 Well, maybe you should just call me... 1093 00:56:32,355 --> 00:56:35,518 when things are a little more... stable? 1094 00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:37,253 I think that'd be best. 1095 00:56:37,293 --> 00:56:39,318 Oh. 1096 00:56:39,362 --> 00:56:41,353 OK, um... 1097 00:56:42,665 --> 00:56:45,634 I respect your feelings and your decision. l... 1098 00:56:45,668 --> 00:56:47,829 I'm sorry you feel that way. 1099 00:56:47,871 --> 00:56:50,863 All right. Well, take care of yourself, OK? 1100 00:56:52,275 --> 00:56:53,537 Yep, you too. 1101 00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:54,975 Bye. 1102 00:56:55,011 --> 00:56:56,342 Bye. 1103 00:57:02,018 --> 00:57:03,417 OK, this is the plan. 1104 00:57:03,453 --> 00:57:04,977 We're gonna break into Woodcock's place. 1105 00:57:05,021 --> 00:57:06,318 We're gonna plant your video camera... 1106 00:57:06,356 --> 00:57:07,687 then we're gonna catch him cheating on my mom... 1107 00:57:07,724 --> 00:57:09,385 and then we're gonna finish this effing fiasco... 1108 00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:11,121 once and for all, OK? 1109 00:57:11,161 --> 00:57:14,460 Right, Clark, give me the minicam. You're on lookout. 1110 00:57:14,497 --> 00:57:17,159 Anything happens, honk the horn, you understand me? 1111 00:57:33,616 --> 00:57:35,880 Nedderman! It's open. 1112 00:57:46,596 --> 00:57:48,530 What the... 1113 00:57:52,302 --> 00:57:53,997 - What are you doing? - Sor... 1114 00:57:54,037 --> 00:57:55,868 I'm sorry. Sorry. 1115 00:57:55,905 --> 00:57:57,873 - Jesus. - OK. 1116 00:58:19,929 --> 00:58:21,794 Hello, smoking gun. 1117 00:58:30,406 --> 00:58:32,374 Damn it, Clark! 1118 00:58:33,610 --> 00:58:35,407 Oh, shit! 1119 00:58:37,914 --> 00:58:39,472 Nedderman? 1120 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,211 Nedderman! 1121 00:58:51,661 --> 00:58:53,595 Jasper, I'm still upset with you. 1122 00:58:53,630 --> 00:58:55,894 I know, honey, but you know how I get... 1123 00:58:55,932 --> 00:58:58,093 - when I don't have you to myself. - Aah. 1124 00:58:58,134 --> 00:59:00,694 - I just need some... alone time. - What about me? 1125 00:59:00,737 --> 00:59:03,865 Well, honey, it wouldn't be alone time without you. 1126 00:59:03,907 --> 00:59:06,205 - You know what I mean! - Ha ha ha! 1127 00:59:06,242 --> 00:59:09,109 Jasper, you charmer. Oh! 1128 00:59:09,145 --> 00:59:11,978 Mmmmmm! 1129 00:59:12,015 --> 00:59:15,143 Oh, honey. Oh, darling. 1130 00:59:15,184 --> 00:59:16,412 Bad boy! 1131 00:59:19,088 --> 00:59:22,057 - Feel good, baby? - Yes! Yes! 1132 00:59:22,091 --> 00:59:23,581 Rhetorical question, Beverly! 1133 00:59:23,626 --> 00:59:26,151 - Oh, God! Oh, God! - Oh, yeah! 1134 00:59:26,195 --> 00:59:28,186 - Feel the love! - I don't want to black out again. 1135 00:59:28,231 --> 00:59:30,096 The finish line's in sight, honey. 1136 00:59:35,438 --> 00:59:37,599 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 1137 00:59:37,640 --> 00:59:40,541 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! 1138 00:59:51,187 --> 00:59:53,712 That was way better than anything on the internet. 1139 01:00:01,731 --> 01:00:03,198 Excuse me, may I have your attention? 1140 01:00:03,232 --> 01:00:05,996 Uh, if everyone would, uh... would grab a seat... 1141 01:00:06,035 --> 01:00:07,969 and I get the honorees up on stage... 1142 01:00:08,004 --> 01:00:09,301 we can get started. 1143 01:00:09,339 --> 01:00:12,900 For the past 26 years, Jasper Woodcock's name... 1144 01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:16,742 has been synonymous with the words "physical education". 1145 01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:18,178 Now, before we get to the presentation... 1146 01:00:18,214 --> 01:00:19,511 let's hear from some of the people... 1147 01:00:19,549 --> 01:00:23,645 whose lives have been touched by this great man. 1148 01:00:23,686 --> 01:00:25,313 Honey, where were you? 1149 01:00:25,355 --> 01:00:27,585 I thought you were gonna ride with us. I was worried. 1150 01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:30,821 Sorry, Mom. l... I needed some alone time. 1151 01:00:30,860 --> 01:00:32,828 Oh. 1152 01:00:32,862 --> 01:00:37,925 My name is Zoe. And last summer, my cat Raisins ran away. 1153 01:00:37,967 --> 01:00:41,733 That man found her. Her collar was caught on a fence. 1154 01:00:41,771 --> 01:00:44,899 She was dead from stran... gulation. 1155 01:00:44,941 --> 01:00:46,875 But she's in heaven now. 1156 01:00:46,909 --> 01:00:49,605 Thank you for finding Raisins, Mr. Woodcock. 1157 01:00:54,384 --> 01:00:55,851 You're kidding me. 1158 01:00:55,885 --> 01:00:57,250 When I was in his class... 1159 01:00:57,286 --> 01:00:59,948 Mr. Woodcock found a brick of marijuana in my locker. 1160 01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:03,550 He could have sent me to the principal, but no. 1161 01:01:03,593 --> 01:01:05,652 He called the cops. 1162 01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:09,563 And instead of going to detention I did 6 years in juvi. 1163 01:01:09,599 --> 01:01:13,194 Where I found my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. 1164 01:01:13,236 --> 01:01:14,396 Jesus Christ! 1165 01:01:14,437 --> 01:01:17,804 And I have been mostly drug-free ever since. 1166 01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:21,139 Thank you, Mr. Woodcock. 1167 01:01:21,177 --> 01:01:23,611 "Mr. Woodcock is one of the best teachers. 1168 01:01:23,646 --> 01:01:25,739 "He taught me how to play hard and never give up. 1169 01:01:25,782 --> 01:01:31,118 "Because of him, I got a scholarship to play football. 1170 01:01:31,154 --> 01:01:32,917 "In college." 1171 01:01:33,890 --> 01:01:36,552 Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Woodcock. 1172 01:01:36,592 --> 01:01:38,150 What the fuck? 1173 01:01:39,062 --> 01:01:41,087 Woodcock never talks down to us. 1174 01:01:41,130 --> 01:01:43,098 He treats us just like everyone else. 1175 01:01:43,132 --> 01:01:45,032 I named my kid after Woodcock. 1176 01:01:45,635 --> 01:01:47,535 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1177 01:01:47,570 --> 01:01:49,333 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1178 01:01:49,372 --> 01:01:51,499 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1179 01:01:52,241 --> 01:01:53,538 Woodcock taught me CPR. 1180 01:01:53,576 --> 01:01:55,271 - Woodcock saved my life. - Bullshit! 1181 01:01:55,311 --> 01:01:56,300 - Woodcock... - Woodcock... 1182 01:01:56,345 --> 01:01:57,334 - Woodcock... - Woodcock... 1183 01:01:57,380 --> 01:01:58,677 Woodcock... 1184 01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:00,080 - Woodcock. - Woodcock. 1185 01:02:00,116 --> 01:02:02,380 Jasper Woodcock. 1186 01:02:02,418 --> 01:02:04,443 Educator of the Year. 1187 01:02:15,765 --> 01:02:17,494 Go, Jasper! 1188 01:02:18,801 --> 01:02:21,099 Thanks a lot. Uh... 1189 01:02:22,371 --> 01:02:24,271 appreciate it. 1190 01:02:29,612 --> 01:02:31,011 Ha ha ha. 1191 01:02:31,047 --> 01:02:33,015 That's, uh... that's good stuff, Jasper. Thank you. 1192 01:02:33,049 --> 01:02:34,107 Unbelievable! 1193 01:02:34,150 --> 01:02:36,983 We have one more award to give out. 1194 01:02:39,889 --> 01:02:42,483 The Corn Cob Key. 1195 01:02:44,160 --> 01:02:46,458 Given to those who go off into the world... 1196 01:02:46,496 --> 01:02:48,987 and make Forest Meadow proud. 1197 01:02:49,031 --> 01:02:50,828 Right. 1198 01:02:50,867 --> 01:02:54,564 Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley! 1199 01:03:10,319 --> 01:03:12,378 Ha ha ha. 1200 01:03:15,258 --> 01:03:17,726 Are you guys out of your minds? 1201 01:03:17,760 --> 01:03:19,352 Ha ha ha. 1202 01:03:20,396 --> 01:03:23,263 Seriously. Am I the only one... 1203 01:03:23,299 --> 01:03:24,527 that thinks that Woodcock's like... 1204 01:03:24,567 --> 01:03:26,194 the biggest asshole on the planet? 1205 01:03:33,376 --> 01:03:34,638 I mean, for 26 years... 1206 01:03:34,677 --> 01:03:37,441 this guy's been pelting children with basketballs... 1207 01:03:37,480 --> 01:03:38,708 at point-blank range. 1208 01:03:38,748 --> 01:03:40,375 And now you're giving him an award for it? 1209 01:03:40,416 --> 01:03:42,509 - He should be in jail! - Johnny. Johnny. 1210 01:03:42,552 --> 01:03:45,043 I mean, is there any question that he strangled this girl's cat? 1211 01:03:45,087 --> 01:03:47,851 What... what was her name, Raisins? Yeah, you know what? 1212 01:03:47,890 --> 01:03:50,381 Go home, dig up Raisins, perform an autopsy on him... 1213 01:03:50,426 --> 01:03:52,986 you'll find out it wasn't an accident. 1214 01:03:53,029 --> 01:03:56,021 Dogs don't strangle cats. Sadistic gym teachers do. 1215 01:03:58,568 --> 01:03:59,398 OK. 1216 01:03:59,435 --> 01:04:01,596 Somebody put something in the punch again this year! 1217 01:04:01,637 --> 01:04:03,901 Wait, wait. No, no, I'm serious! 1218 01:04:03,940 --> 01:04:06,306 Look, he hates children. 1219 01:04:07,577 --> 01:04:09,442 He killed one of my classmates. 1220 01:04:09,478 --> 01:04:11,878 Yeah, after years of his abuse... 1221 01:04:11,914 --> 01:04:13,347 Trevor Oates took his own life... 1222 01:04:13,382 --> 01:04:15,407 and he died because of Woodcock. 1223 01:04:15,451 --> 01:04:17,681 No, I didn't. 1224 01:04:19,355 --> 01:04:22,222 - Oates, I thought you were dead. - No. 1225 01:04:22,258 --> 01:04:24,556 I had minor surgery a few years back. 1226 01:04:24,594 --> 01:04:27,927 You know, to help with my wheezing. 1227 01:04:29,465 --> 01:04:33,162 Whatever. Oates is alive. Whoop-di-doo! Who gives a shit? 1228 01:04:33,202 --> 01:04:34,999 - Johnny. - I'm sorry. 1229 01:04:35,037 --> 01:04:36,766 I'm sorry. I know you hate to hear that. 1230 01:04:36,806 --> 01:04:38,467 He's not what you think. 1231 01:04:38,507 --> 01:04:40,532 You're brainwashed, people! 1232 01:04:40,576 --> 01:04:43,443 Oh, just ask his ex-wife right there, Sally Jensen. 1233 01:04:43,479 --> 01:04:44,844 Tell them about all the man whoring... 1234 01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:47,349 he did behind your back when you were married. 1235 01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:49,908 Well, I think most of you know I cheated on him. 1236 01:04:49,952 --> 01:04:52,250 I'm... I'm sorry. What? You cheated on him? 1237 01:04:52,288 --> 01:04:55,883 A lot. I couldn't help it. I was a sex addict. 1238 01:04:55,925 --> 01:04:57,017 Am. 1239 01:04:57,493 --> 01:04:58,983 Uh, was. 1240 01:05:00,363 --> 01:05:01,853 Am. Ha ha ha. 1241 01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:03,024 Yeah. 1242 01:05:03,065 --> 01:05:04,362 All right, let's go. 1243 01:05:04,400 --> 01:05:06,960 That's enough. That's enough of that! 1244 01:05:08,471 --> 01:05:10,905 - He's cheating on my mom! - Johnny, sit down right now. 1245 01:05:10,940 --> 01:05:13,306 - That's enough, Farley. - I'm sorry, Mom. 1246 01:05:13,342 --> 01:05:14,900 You've been sneaking behind my mom's back... 1247 01:05:14,944 --> 01:05:16,411 with that blonde whore... 1248 01:05:16,445 --> 01:05:19,141 right there, haven't you? 1249 01:05:19,181 --> 01:05:20,910 That's my realtor, you moron. 1250 01:05:20,950 --> 01:05:24,044 I was trying to surprise your mother with a new house. 1251 01:05:24,086 --> 01:05:28,079 Well, how come I found her panties in your bedroom? 1252 01:05:31,994 --> 01:05:34,087 Those are your mother's, Farley. 1253 01:05:34,130 --> 01:05:35,961 Mom? 1254 01:05:35,998 --> 01:05:38,831 Yeah. OK, Farley, you and me, out in the hallway right now. 1255 01:05:38,868 --> 01:05:40,267 Now! 1256 01:05:40,303 --> 01:05:42,271 - Uhh! - You disrespectful little shit! 1257 01:05:42,305 --> 01:05:45,172 I'm gonna give you a good old-fashioned Nebraska ass-whipping... 1258 01:05:45,207 --> 01:05:46,435 till you shit yourself. 1259 01:05:46,475 --> 01:05:47,874 Bring it, bro! 1260 01:05:47,910 --> 01:05:49,605 I don't know what I'm gonna enjoy more tonight... 1261 01:05:49,645 --> 01:05:51,510 kicking your ass or nailing your mother. 1262 01:05:51,547 --> 01:05:53,276 - Oh! - Let go of my son, Jasper. 1263 01:05:55,985 --> 01:05:58,783 - Uh, Bev... - Let go of my son. 1264 01:05:58,821 --> 01:06:00,755 - Bev, l... - You two are unbelievable. 1265 01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:04,317 You won't be civil even though it hurts and humiliates me. 1266 01:06:15,471 --> 01:06:16,802 Mom! 1267 01:06:26,515 --> 01:06:28,813 Mom, are you OK? 1268 01:06:28,851 --> 01:06:31,411 Go away, John. Leave me alone. 1269 01:06:37,460 --> 01:06:38,586 Maggie? 1270 01:06:38,627 --> 01:06:41,323 I have been carting around your damn luggage since Denver! 1271 01:06:41,364 --> 01:06:44,697 Thanks to you blowing off the most powerful woman in America... 1272 01:06:44,734 --> 01:06:47,202 Walden Books has canceled the rest of your appearances. 1273 01:06:47,236 --> 01:06:49,602 - I don't believe this. - I know. 1274 01:06:49,638 --> 01:06:52,300 If only someone had warned you! 1275 01:06:52,341 --> 01:06:54,571 - So it's over. - No, not exactly. 1276 01:06:54,610 --> 01:06:56,601 When you hear about this, you're gonna want to take me... 1277 01:06:56,645 --> 01:06:58,704 right here in your mommy's house. 1278 01:06:58,748 --> 01:07:00,648 But first I have to pee. Where's the bathroom? 1279 01:07:00,683 --> 01:07:03,151 You have indoor plumbing in here, right? 1280 01:07:03,185 --> 01:07:04,777 It's not like you deserve the extra effort... 1281 01:07:04,820 --> 01:07:07,448 but since my reputation's on the line, I called in a favor. 1282 01:07:07,490 --> 01:07:09,082 You're gonna do a remote interview... 1283 01:07:09,125 --> 01:07:10,683 on The Tyra Banks Show! 1284 01:07:10,726 --> 01:07:13,490 Tomorrow, 9am, the diva of daytime talk... 1285 01:07:13,529 --> 01:07:15,326 is gonna talk to you live... 1286 01:07:15,364 --> 01:07:18,663 right from this dingy little shithole you call home. 1287 01:07:18,701 --> 01:07:20,931 Fine, good, whatever you need. 1288 01:07:22,705 --> 01:07:24,764 What I need is for you to focus... 1289 01:07:24,807 --> 01:07:27,173 get it together, and point me to the nearest liquor store. 1290 01:07:27,209 --> 01:07:28,608 OK? 1291 01:07:32,114 --> 01:07:34,173 OK, Tyra Banks, very nice. 1292 01:07:34,216 --> 01:07:38,175 But if you do not know your shit she will gut you like a fish. 1293 01:07:38,220 --> 01:07:40,120 Oh, my Lord. 1294 01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:44,688 You look very beautiful, Mrs. Farley. 1295 01:07:44,727 --> 01:07:45,853 Thank you. 1296 01:07:45,895 --> 01:07:48,762 She does know what decade it is, right? 1297 01:07:48,798 --> 01:07:50,163 Mom, what are you doing? 1298 01:07:50,199 --> 01:07:52,861 - I'm going to Cornival. - Ha ha ha. 1299 01:07:52,902 --> 01:07:55,097 I'm sorry, you hicks just crack me up. 1300 01:07:57,706 --> 01:07:59,333 Are you sure? I mean... 1301 01:07:59,375 --> 01:08:01,969 After last night, you know... 1302 01:08:02,011 --> 01:08:05,276 I have certain obligations. I'm still the Corn Cob Queen. 1303 01:08:05,314 --> 01:08:09,614 - Ha ha ha. - But you'll be by yourself. 1304 01:08:09,652 --> 01:08:12,212 John, I have been alone on that float for 20 years. 1305 01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:14,313 I think I can handle it. 1306 01:08:14,990 --> 01:08:17,322 Mom, I'm so sorry about last night. 1307 01:08:17,359 --> 01:08:20,556 I... just totally lost my head. 1308 01:08:21,964 --> 01:08:24,762 Do you remember Mr. Spanger? 1309 01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:26,734 He was the first man that I tried to date... 1310 01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,794 after your father died. I think you were 6. 1311 01:08:28,838 --> 01:08:30,863 And you ran away from the baby-sitter... 1312 01:08:30,906 --> 01:08:33,670 and we spent the entire night trying to find you. 1313 01:08:33,709 --> 01:08:36,007 Yeah, I was under the sink. 1314 01:08:37,680 --> 01:08:40,808 Well, every time a man asked me out, you either got sick... 1315 01:08:40,850 --> 01:08:42,681 or you threw a tantrum... 1316 01:08:42,718 --> 01:08:49,385 or you egged the car, or you did something until I just gave up. 1317 01:08:49,425 --> 01:08:53,691 Did you ever think of how I felt... 1318 01:08:53,729 --> 01:08:56,721 on my own all these years? 1319 01:08:58,033 --> 01:09:00,695 Uh, I guess... 1320 01:09:00,736 --> 01:09:02,795 I thought you... had me. 1321 01:09:06,375 --> 01:09:07,933 Oh. 1322 01:09:15,684 --> 01:09:17,345 All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds. 1323 01:09:17,386 --> 01:09:20,651 Hey, game face. Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold. 1324 01:09:20,689 --> 01:09:23,487 America is waiting. You look great. 1325 01:09:23,526 --> 01:09:26,017 - This is gonna be fun. - 15 seconds. 1326 01:09:28,831 --> 01:09:31,493 - I can't do this. - OK, I understand. 1327 01:09:31,534 --> 01:09:33,126 - That's fine. - Really? 1328 01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,602 Of course not! 1329 01:09:34,637 --> 01:09:37,128 Now sit your ass down and get in front of the camera. 1330 01:09:37,173 --> 01:09:39,698 Quiet on set. 1331 01:09:39,742 --> 01:09:44,270 - All right, people, we're on the air in 3, 2... - Smile. 1332 01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:47,676 When I read my next guest's book... 1333 01:09:47,716 --> 01:09:50,549 I knew I had to have him on The Tyra Show. 1334 01:09:50,586 --> 01:09:52,918 He's the best-selling author of Letting Go... 1335 01:09:52,955 --> 01:09:55,219 How To Get Past Your Past. 1336 01:09:55,257 --> 01:09:58,317 Please welcome, via satellite from Forest Meadow, Nebraska... 1337 01:09:58,360 --> 01:09:59,918 John Farley! 1338 01:09:59,962 --> 01:10:01,190 Hey, John, how you doing? 1339 01:10:01,230 --> 01:10:02,595 I feel great. 1340 01:10:02,631 --> 01:10:04,531 Well, good. You should. 1341 01:10:04,567 --> 01:10:05,727 I mean, your book is inspiring... 1342 01:10:05,768 --> 01:10:07,895 so many people across this country. 1343 01:10:07,937 --> 01:10:10,770 Who's been your biggest inspiration? 1344 01:10:10,806 --> 01:10:12,296 - Uh, my mom. - Aah. 1345 01:10:12,341 --> 01:10:15,139 See, my mom is my biggest inspiration too. 1346 01:10:15,177 --> 01:10:17,475 I mean, I would not be where I am today were it not... 1347 01:10:17,513 --> 01:10:20,209 Johnny, do you ever think of... 1348 01:10:20,249 --> 01:10:24,083 what it was like for me to be on my own all those years? 1349 01:10:24,119 --> 01:10:26,952 I mean, come on, you guys, give it up for mommas everywhere! 1350 01:10:26,989 --> 01:10:28,251 Whoo! 1351 01:10:29,558 --> 01:10:31,685 I'm... I'm sorry. I gotta go. 1352 01:10:38,334 --> 01:10:40,359 - John? - You go back in there! 1353 01:10:40,402 --> 01:10:42,893 - No, I won't! - Go in there and sell that goddamn book! 1354 01:10:42,938 --> 01:10:44,303 No, I won't! My mom needs me! 1355 01:10:44,340 --> 01:10:45,739 I don't give a shit! 1356 01:10:45,774 --> 01:10:47,207 You're gonna go in there and say something... 1357 01:10:47,243 --> 01:10:48,972 or I'm gonna shove my arm up your ass... 1358 01:10:49,011 --> 01:10:50,273 and work you like a puppet! 1359 01:10:50,312 --> 01:10:51,301 Let go of me! 1360 01:10:53,315 --> 01:10:55,180 Fine! Run, you pussy! 1361 01:10:55,217 --> 01:10:57,310 - Go back to your mommy! - What a bitch! 1362 01:10:57,353 --> 01:11:00,322 See if I care! 1363 01:11:00,356 --> 01:11:01,550 Quiet, please! 1364 01:11:01,590 --> 01:11:03,490 I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! 1365 01:11:04,960 --> 01:11:09,294 Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care. He's helping people. 1366 01:11:44,033 --> 01:11:46,900 - You back for more? - Look. 1367 01:11:46,935 --> 01:11:49,199 I screwed up, OK? 1368 01:11:49,238 --> 01:11:50,865 Big time. 1369 01:11:50,906 --> 01:11:54,342 I shouldn't have meddled. l... 1370 01:11:54,376 --> 01:11:56,503 I'm... sorry. 1371 01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:01,010 Are you wearing make-up? 1372 01:12:02,084 --> 01:12:04,382 The truth is... 1373 01:12:04,420 --> 01:12:07,685 I did it because I wanted my mom to be happy. 1374 01:12:07,723 --> 01:12:10,419 And as it turns out, the thing that makes my mom happy... 1375 01:12:10,459 --> 01:12:12,051 unbelievably... 1376 01:12:12,094 --> 01:12:14,289 is you. 1377 01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:15,991 It's too late. 1378 01:12:16,031 --> 01:12:18,124 She's made her mind up, Farley. 1379 01:12:18,167 --> 01:12:20,727 What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you. 1380 01:12:20,769 --> 01:12:23,169 One day you'll date girls and you'll understand. 1381 01:12:23,205 --> 01:12:25,935 Once a woman makes her mind up... 1382 01:12:25,974 --> 01:12:27,566 there's no changing it. 1383 01:12:27,609 --> 01:12:30,043 Oh, I get it. You're scared. 1384 01:12:30,079 --> 01:12:33,014 Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you. 1385 01:12:33,048 --> 01:12:36,540 Again and again and again. 1386 01:12:36,585 --> 01:12:39,748 The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares? 1387 01:12:39,788 --> 01:12:42,518 So you're scared of getting hurt again? 1388 01:12:42,558 --> 01:12:44,822 Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK? 1389 01:12:44,860 --> 01:12:46,987 You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid... 1390 01:12:47,029 --> 01:12:50,192 who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit. 1391 01:12:50,232 --> 01:12:51,859 Oh, yeah? 1392 01:12:51,900 --> 01:12:54,027 Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle! 1393 01:12:58,207 --> 01:12:59,799 Really? 1394 01:12:59,842 --> 01:13:01,673 You cocky little shit. 1395 01:13:01,710 --> 01:13:03,268 Do you actually think you're tougher than me? 1396 01:13:04,179 --> 01:13:07,273 Oh. Any time, any place. 1397 01:13:15,257 --> 01:13:17,350 Get the rentals, Farley. 1398 01:13:29,471 --> 01:13:31,371 Seems like old times, doesn't it? 1399 01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:34,376 Yeah, well, a new day has come. 1400 01:13:34,410 --> 01:13:36,207 Ooh! 1401 01:13:36,245 --> 01:13:38,372 That was called a takedown, Farley. 1402 01:13:38,414 --> 01:13:42,714 OK. So that's how it's gonna be, huh? 1403 01:13:49,625 --> 01:13:51,149 Ah! 1404 01:13:51,193 --> 01:13:53,058 Yep, now I'm gonna bring it, Woodcock. 1405 01:13:53,095 --> 01:13:55,427 You never shut up, do you? 1406 01:13:55,464 --> 01:13:57,523 Why don't you make me? 1407 01:14:02,037 --> 01:14:04,403 Time to earn your wings, Farley. 1408 01:14:05,607 --> 01:14:07,541 It's called a suplex, Farley. 1409 01:14:07,576 --> 01:14:09,168 It's one of my favorites. 1410 01:14:09,211 --> 01:14:11,543 Here's another one of my favorites. 1411 01:14:11,580 --> 01:14:14,208 The Vietcong shuffle. 1412 01:14:14,249 --> 01:14:17,047 The reverse Vietcong shuffle! 1413 01:14:17,085 --> 01:14:18,916 Here comes the thunder, Woodcock! 1414 01:14:19,955 --> 01:14:20,944 Ooh! 1415 01:14:24,059 --> 01:14:26,186 Heads up, Farley. 1416 01:14:27,262 --> 01:14:29,492 - Say uncle! - Pussy! 1417 01:14:29,531 --> 01:14:31,590 - Say it! - Pussy! 1418 01:14:32,734 --> 01:14:33,758 Ow! 1419 01:14:37,206 --> 01:14:39,766 Russian headlock! 1420 01:14:39,808 --> 01:14:42,743 The gym teacher body slam! 1421 01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,081 Are you OK? 1422 01:14:48,116 --> 01:14:50,482 Rhetorical question, Woodcock! 1423 01:14:59,027 --> 01:15:01,723 You remember me now, don't you? 1424 01:15:01,763 --> 01:15:03,458 - Bitch! - Uh! Uh! 1425 01:15:11,607 --> 01:15:13,302 Mr. Woodcock? 1426 01:15:15,844 --> 01:15:17,311 Oh, shit. 1427 01:15:27,556 --> 01:15:31,048 Got a white male, 50s, possible concussion. 1428 01:15:32,160 --> 01:15:34,185 What are those? Bite marks? 1429 01:15:34,229 --> 01:15:35,560 Uh... 1430 01:15:37,299 --> 01:15:39,631 Come on, Scooter. Get that mask off of me. 1431 01:15:39,668 --> 01:15:42,159 Oh, thank God. I thought I'd killed you. 1432 01:15:42,204 --> 01:15:45,367 You couldn't kill me with a shotgun and a head start, Farley. 1433 01:15:45,407 --> 01:15:48,240 Said by the man flat on his back in an ambulance. 1434 01:15:48,277 --> 01:15:53,340 Yeah, well, it's about time you showed some backbone. 1435 01:15:53,382 --> 01:15:55,009 Is that a compliment? 1436 01:15:55,050 --> 01:15:56,210 Farley, I'm just saying... 1437 01:15:56,251 --> 01:15:59,220 that you showed some sack out there today, OK? 1438 01:15:59,254 --> 01:16:00,744 Wow. 1439 01:16:00,789 --> 01:16:03,917 Maybe there is a human being hiding in there somewhere. 1440 01:16:03,959 --> 01:16:06,860 I mean, seriously, why can't you be nice to people? 1441 01:16:06,895 --> 01:16:10,524 lt... it's not healthy being such a dick all the time. 1442 01:16:10,566 --> 01:16:12,329 You're gonna end up like your dad... 1443 01:16:12,367 --> 01:16:15,234 just angry and bitter and alone. 1444 01:16:15,270 --> 01:16:18,034 If that's what you want, then fine, but I don't think it is. 1445 01:16:18,073 --> 01:16:21,531 Now, right now, my mom is on that float all by herself... 1446 01:16:21,577 --> 01:16:24,045 really wishing that you were up there with her. 1447 01:16:24,079 --> 01:16:26,570 The problem is... 1448 01:16:26,615 --> 01:16:30,176 I don't think you got the backbone to win her back. 1449 01:16:30,218 --> 01:16:32,083 Oh, really? 1450 01:16:35,958 --> 01:16:37,653 Watch out! 1451 01:16:39,328 --> 01:16:41,387 Come on, Farley! Step up the pace! 1452 01:16:41,430 --> 01:16:43,295 I could if you weren't such a fat ass! 1453 01:16:43,332 --> 01:16:45,425 Watch out! Excuse me! 1454 01:16:45,467 --> 01:16:46,991 - Keppen! You're off tempo! - Aah! 1455 01:16:47,035 --> 01:16:49,230 - Watch out! - You're flat, Mount-Gardner. 1456 01:16:49,271 --> 01:16:51,296 - Excuse us! Hey! - Oh! 1457 01:16:51,340 --> 01:16:53,501 Excuse us! 1458 01:16:53,542 --> 01:16:54,634 Come on, Farley! 1459 01:16:54,676 --> 01:16:57,839 - Mom! Mom! - Beverly! Beverly! 1460 01:16:57,879 --> 01:17:00,370 Oh, my God, what happened? 1461 01:17:00,415 --> 01:17:02,610 Jasper, why are you on that gurney? 1462 01:17:02,651 --> 01:17:06,280 I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that... 1463 01:17:06,321 --> 01:17:08,016 I'm basically sorry. 1464 01:17:08,056 --> 01:17:09,819 Basically sorry? 1465 01:17:09,858 --> 01:17:12,418 Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock... 1466 01:17:12,461 --> 01:17:14,122 that's a huge step. 1467 01:17:14,162 --> 01:17:16,960 Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK? 1468 01:17:16,999 --> 01:17:18,489 This is all my fault. 1469 01:17:18,533 --> 01:17:20,433 Just give it another shot. 1470 01:17:20,469 --> 01:17:22,369 'Cause my lungs are about to explode. 1471 01:17:22,404 --> 01:17:24,634 Please, honey. 1472 01:17:29,911 --> 01:17:31,674 - Oh! - Oh, my God! 1473 01:17:32,881 --> 01:17:34,906 Stop! Stop! 1474 01:17:36,284 --> 01:17:38,980 Mr. Woodcock! 1475 01:17:39,021 --> 01:17:40,716 You OK? 1476 01:17:40,756 --> 01:17:42,747 Nice work, Farley. 1477 01:17:42,791 --> 01:17:46,386 There's one pothole in this town and you managed to find it. 1478 01:17:46,428 --> 01:17:48,658 Jasper! Oh, my God. 1479 01:17:48,697 --> 01:17:50,494 Oh, my God, Jasper. 1480 01:17:50,532 --> 01:17:52,591 Jasper. 1481 01:17:52,634 --> 01:17:54,625 Are you OK? 1482 01:17:58,807 --> 01:18:01,742 I'm sorry, Mom. 1483 01:18:01,777 --> 01:18:03,904 I thought I was doing the right thing. 1484 01:18:03,945 --> 01:18:05,674 By killing him? 1485 01:18:05,714 --> 01:18:08,342 I called 911, didn't I? 1486 01:18:08,383 --> 01:18:11,216 Ha ha ha. Yes. 1487 01:18:11,253 --> 01:18:14,051 For what it's worth, I want you to be with Jasper. 1488 01:18:14,089 --> 01:18:17,217 - I don't believe you. - I do. l... 1489 01:18:18,527 --> 01:18:21,189 If it means anything at all... 1490 01:18:21,229 --> 01:18:22,924 you have my blessing. 1491 01:18:29,671 --> 01:18:31,730 You can see Mr. Woodcock now. 1492 01:18:36,945 --> 01:18:38,173 Listen, uh... 1493 01:18:40,315 --> 01:18:43,546 I just want to say I'm... I'm sorry... 1494 01:18:43,585 --> 01:18:46,782 About the "nailing your mother" comment there. 1495 01:18:52,327 --> 01:18:53,658 That's it? 1496 01:18:54,696 --> 01:18:55,685 What do you mean? 1497 01:18:55,731 --> 01:18:57,528 I thought you would apologize for... 1498 01:18:57,566 --> 01:18:59,397 Mom, Mom. 1499 01:18:59,434 --> 01:19:03,632 I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, coming from me. 1500 01:19:03,672 --> 01:19:06,607 But Jasper is a good person. 1501 01:19:06,641 --> 01:19:09,132 You see, somewhere around the time Jasper was choking me... 1502 01:19:09,177 --> 01:19:11,771 - Yeah, with your own foot. - Right. 1503 01:19:11,813 --> 01:19:14,714 I had a revelation. 1504 01:19:14,750 --> 01:19:16,809 You don't get past your past. 1505 01:19:16,852 --> 01:19:19,116 You embrace it. 1506 01:19:19,154 --> 01:19:21,088 And I'm not that fat little loser anymore... 1507 01:19:21,123 --> 01:19:22,647 and that's because he pushed me. 1508 01:19:22,691 --> 01:19:26,923 And, in a really weird way... 1509 01:19:26,962 --> 01:19:29,089 he's a big part of who I am today. 1510 01:19:32,033 --> 01:19:35,434 For Christ's sakes, it was just a P.E. class, you fruitcake. 1511 01:19:35,470 --> 01:19:37,665 - Jasper! - Well, it was. 1512 01:19:40,675 --> 01:19:41,835 See? 1513 01:19:43,078 --> 01:19:44,875 Set of ten, Farley. 1514 01:19:44,913 --> 01:19:46,938 - What? - Just joking. 1515 01:19:51,186 --> 01:19:54,986 # I see a bad moon rising # 1516 01:19:56,358 --> 01:19:59,816 # I see trouble on the way # 1517 01:20:01,897 --> 01:20:05,492 # I see earthquakes and lightning # 1518 01:20:07,235 --> 01:20:09,931 Merry Christmas, Woodcock. 1519 01:20:09,971 --> 01:20:11,962 Merry Christmas, Farley. 1520 01:20:14,576 --> 01:20:16,407 I read your book. 1521 01:20:16,444 --> 01:20:18,810 Really? What did you think? 1522 01:20:18,847 --> 01:20:21,475 Well, that part about, uh, treating others... 1523 01:20:21,516 --> 01:20:23,484 how you want to be treated, I guess that's all right. 1524 01:20:23,518 --> 01:20:26,851 Yeah, I sort of stole that from the Bible, but... 1525 01:20:26,888 --> 01:20:28,788 I'll take credit for it. 1526 01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:31,622 The rest of it's pretty much crap. 1527 01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:34,625 What the hell, man? That's my book! 1528 01:20:34,663 --> 01:20:36,221 It's my book, Farley. 1529 01:20:36,264 --> 01:20:38,960 You gave it to me. I can do with it as I please. 1530 01:20:39,000 --> 01:20:42,436 # I hear the voice of rage and ruin # 1531 01:20:44,573 --> 01:20:46,837 # Don't go around tonight # 1532 01:20:46,875 --> 01:20:49,969 # Well, it's bound to take your life # 1533 01:20:50,011 --> 01:20:53,071 Oh, hey. Look, your new book. 1534 01:20:53,114 --> 01:20:55,014 - Congrats, John. - Let me see. 1535 01:20:55,050 --> 01:20:57,678 - Congratulations. - Oh, my gosh. Look at that. 1536 01:20:58,620 --> 01:21:00,485 Oh, wow. 1537 01:21:00,522 --> 01:21:01,819 Yeah, it's really, really good, John. 1538 01:21:01,857 --> 01:21:03,791 Wow, you read it? 1539 01:21:03,825 --> 01:21:05,759 Don't make me lie on Christmas. 1540 01:21:05,794 --> 01:21:07,523 Well, as long as we're congratulating people... 1541 01:21:07,562 --> 01:21:09,325 Beverly and I have a little announcement. 1542 01:21:09,364 --> 01:21:12,060 Recently, uh, one of my swimmers took hold... 1543 01:21:12,100 --> 01:21:13,089 Mm! 1544 01:21:13,134 --> 01:21:15,568 And, uh, your mother's got a little Woodcock in her. 1545 01:21:17,672 --> 01:21:18,696 What? 1546 01:21:18,740 --> 01:21:20,867 You're gonna be a big brother, Farley. 1547 01:21:22,277 --> 01:21:23,904 Just joking. 1548 01:21:35,056 --> 01:21:36,751 # It could be ten but then again # 1549 01:21:36,791 --> 01:21:41,785 # I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four # 1550 01:21:41,830 --> 01:21:44,264 # Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa # 1551 01:21:44,299 --> 01:21:47,496 # And you leave me with my jaw on the floor # 1552 01:21:47,535 --> 01:21:48,866 # Hey! # 1553 01:21:51,006 --> 01:21:54,373 # Oh, just when you think you're in control # 1554 01:21:54,409 --> 01:21:56,536 # Just when you think you've got a hold # 1555 01:21:56,578 --> 01:21:58,307 # Just when you got on a roll # 1556 01:21:58,346 --> 01:22:01,577 # Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again # 1557 01:22:01,616 --> 01:22:03,447 # Oh, here it goes again # 1558 01:22:03,485 --> 01:22:06,420 # I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again # 1559 01:22:06,454 --> 01:22:09,287 # Oh, here it goes again # 1560 01:22:09,324 --> 01:22:11,485 # Oh, oh, here it goes again # 1561 01:22:14,696 --> 01:22:17,392 # It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy # 1562 01:22:17,432 --> 01:22:20,993 # Something inching past the edge of reserve # 1563 01:22:21,036 --> 01:22:24,130 # Now through the lines of cheap Venetian blinds # 1564 01:22:24,172 --> 01:22:26,800 # Your car is pulling off of the curb # 1565 01:22:26,841 --> 01:22:28,331 # Hey! # 1566 01:22:30,445 --> 01:22:33,642 # Oh, just when you think you're in control # 1567 01:22:33,682 --> 01:22:35,912 # Just when you think you've got a hold # 1568 01:22:35,951 --> 01:22:37,851 # Just when you've got on a roll # 1569 01:22:37,886 --> 01:22:40,878 # Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again # 1570 01:22:40,922 --> 01:22:42,651 # Oh, here it goes again # 1571 01:22:42,691 --> 01:22:45,990 # I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again # 1572 01:22:46,027 --> 01:22:47,824 # But here it goes again # 1573 01:22:47,862 --> 01:22:50,888 # Oh, here it goes, oh, here it goes # 1574 01:22:50,932 --> 01:22:53,059 # Oh, here it goes again # 1575 01:22:53,101 --> 01:22:55,934 # Oh! Oh, here it goes again # 116203

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.