Original subtitles

Okay in Avatar when they gave sex in Pandora

they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails

are like their junk.

Yeah... so?

So, when they ride horses and fly on the birds,

they also use their ponytails.

What's your point?

My point is, if I were a horse or a bird,

I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.

It amazes me how you constantly obsess

over fictional details

when there are more important things

in the real world to worry about.

For example, why wasn't William Shatner

in the new Star Trek movie?

Hey, Sheldon.

I was up in the administration office,

and I happened to overhear

the name of the winner

of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.

And you want to rub my nose in the fact

that my contributions are being overlooked again?

I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.

All right, I'll play.

What self-important, preening fraud

are they honoring this year?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked it like that. You.

I won? You won.

I won!

This is astonishing.

Not that I won the award-- no one deserves it more.

Actually, I guess I misspoke.

It's not astonishing; more like inevitable.

I'm not sure what to do first.

Maybe I should call my mother.

Wait! I know-- I'm going to conduct an interview

with myself and post it online.

Well, good for him.

Yeah, the one thing the William Shatner

of theoretical physics needed was an ego boost.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

The Big Bang Theory 3x18 The Pants Alternative Original Air Date on March 22, 2010

-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

Didn't it look like that spear

was going to go right through your skull?

No.

Hey, you didn't want a Slurpee at 7-Eleven,

you don't get glasses.

Oh, that will be another congratulatory call for me.

Uh, mute, please.

Wait, wait. Hang on-- flaming arrow.

Hello?

Oh, Chancellor Morton, how are you, sir?

Yes, I was expecting your call.

Three years ago.

I see.

Wait. What happens if I choose not to give a speech?

Uh-huh.

And if I don't want to forfeit the award?

Well, you've got that tied up in a neat little bow.

All right.

Thank you.

Problem.

What?

They expect me to give a speech at the banquet.

I can't give a speech.

Well, no, you're mistaken.

You give speeches all the time.

What you can't do is shut up.

Yeah, before the movie,

you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown.

It turned brown while you were talking.

I am perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups.

I cannot speak to large crowds.

What, to you, is a large crowd?

Any group big enough to trample me to death.

General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

Sheldon, congratulations.

Brought you a cheesecake from work.

You know, 'cause of your award,

not because a busboy sneezed on it.

I'm not accepting the award. Why not?

Turns out the great Sheldon Cooper has stage fright.

That's no reason to back out.

You know, I once got a pretty big honor

in high school, and I was terrified

about appearing in front of a big crowd,

but I went through with it, and you know what?

The world looked pretty darn good

sitting on a haystack in the back of a Ford F-150

as a member of the Corn Queen's court.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll bear that in mind

if I'm ever nominated for the Hillbilly Peace Prize.

Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.

Am I?

Let me tell you a story.

Where's 70 children when you need them?

I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college.

"Summa cum laude" is Latin for "with highest honors."

I just love how you always skip

over the part where no one asks.

I was valedictorian and expected to give an address.

Even now, I can remember that moment

when I walked up to the podium and looked out at the crowd.

There must have been thousands of people.

My heart started pounding in my chest.

I began to hyperventilate.

My vision became blurry, and before I knew it...

Oh, dear.

Oh, my God.

Sheldon?

Sheldon, are you okay?

Don't trample me.

Come on, Mother.

You know why I can't accept the award.

With all due respect, I don't think praying will help.

No, I have not heard the song, "Jesus, Take the Wheel."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't need to start singing it.

Yes, I'll buy it on the iTunes, Mother.

Good-bye, Mother.

Hello.

Sit down.

We want to talk to you.

Am I in trouble?

Did my mother call you?

Just sit.

We think we can help you with your stage fright.

Oh, I doubt that.

I haven't figured out a way,

and I'm much smarter than all of you.

Yes, but you're not smarter than all of us put together.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That is what I meant.

Okay. Your problem is,

you're trying to do this all by yourself.

We can help you. We can be your team.

Like, uh, Professor Xavier and his X-Men.

I do like the X-Men.

Did I see X-Men?

Yeah, we watched it last week.

You said you liked it.

Oh. I say a lot of things, sweetie.

So, how about it, Sheldon?

I don't know.

If you're my X-Men, what are your powers?

Okay. Well, I am going to take you shopping,

get you a nice suit.

Might give you more confidence.

That's not exactly a mutation that would get you

into Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, but go on.

Leonard?

I thought I could try to analyze you

and get to the root of your anxiety.

What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?

My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist,

and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me

of breast-feeding codependently.

Raj says he can teach you...

What did you call it?

I don't know-- some Indian meditation crap.

I see.

Well, I assume, since the rest of you

have set the bar so low, you're saving

the most impressive contribution for last.

Go ahead, Howard.

Dazzle me.

My power is the ability to pretend

like I give a damn about your piddily-ass problems.

And that's 24-seven, buddy.

And I appreciate the pretense.

So, what do you say, Sheldon?

Are we your X-Men?

No.

The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier.

Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Oh, that's not a good name.

Okay, Sheldon.

I'm going to be leading you

through a series of meditation exercises.

These methods come from the ancient gurus of India

and have helped me overcome my own fears.

And yet, you can't speak to women.

True, but thanks to meditation, I am able to stay

in the same room with them without urinating.

Now... close your eyes.

Okay, but don't punch me.

What?

When I was little, my sister would say to me,

"Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise,"

and then she'd punch me.

I'm not going to punch you.

That's what my sister used to say.

Do you want to do this or not?

I'm sorry. Proceed.

All right.

Imagine yourself in the one place

you feel most at home.

Where is that?

Sim City.

More specifically, the Sim City I designed--

Sheldonopolis.

Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis.

Where exactly?

Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers?

Sheldon Stadium, home of the Fighting Sheldons?

Whatever you like.

I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.

Fine. You're in Sheldon Square.

Really? This time of year?

It's a bit nippy.

Then, put on a sweater.

Suppose I could run downtown

and pick up something at Shel-Mart.

Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.

You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it,

so I get a 15% discount.

You own the damn thing.

Just take a freaking sweater!

Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter

by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

All right.

You've paid for a sweater, and you're in Sheldon Square.

Hang on.

It's a cardigan. I have to button it.

Oh, no.

What now?

A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city.

I have to get my people to safety.

People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor.

Follow me.

If the children can't run, leave them behind.

Oh, the simulated horror!

Raj?

Just as I suspected.

Meditation is nothing but hokum.

I question your premise.

How is a new suit going to prevent me

from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?

It'll give you confidence.

You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out

about something, I go out and buy a cute top

or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.

Don't you eventually realize

you're just the same stressed out person

in a cute top or a fun skirt?

Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.

Now, let's see what we've got.

Ooh!

This is nice.

It's only one color.

Yeah, so?

That's a lot of money for only one color.

Fine.

Why don't you pick out what you like.

Hmm.

This is pretty sharp.

No.

You're wrong.

This is great.

I had a suit like this when I was six.

Okay, I think we have a winner.

Where the hell'd you find that?

In the prom department.

It's ridiculous.

Says the former member of the Corn Queen's Court.

Please just try this one on.

Okay.

But anything I put on now

is only going to suffer in comparison.

This is absurd.

I look like a clown.

So, Sheldon...

...how you doing?

That's how you start a psychotherapy session?

"How am I doing?"

I was promised a riverboat journey

into the jungles of my subconscious.

Instead, I get the same question I hear

from the lady who slices my bologna at Ralph's.

I'm sorry, I'll start again.

Would it be helpful to you

if I told you about my dreams?

Um, I don't know, maybe.

I recently had a dream

that I was a giant.

But everything around me was to scale,

so it all looked normal.

How did you know you were a giant

if everything was to scale?

I was wearing size a million pants.

Why don't we just talk?

Ah.

The talking cure.

Classical Freudian. Good choice.

If it will help speed things along,

uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are:

A) a bat, B) a bat,

C) a bat,

and D) my father killing my mother

with a hypodermic needle.

Why don't I just start?

Sometimes

people have trouble accepting accolades

if, on a subconscious level,

they don't feel they deserve them.

Do you think maybe that's what's happening here?

Really, Leonard?

You're just going to try to recycle Adler's doctrine

of the inferiority complex?

I could probably get that from the woman at Ralph's.

And she'd let me taste some pieces of cheese for free.

But it could be part of your problem.

Let me give you an example.

When I was eight,

I won a ribbon at the science fair

for my project, "Do Lima Beans Grow Better to Classical Music."

But my mother pointed out

that it was just a rehash of my brother's earlier

"Do Lima Beans Grow Worse to Rock 'n' Roll."

I felt so guilty, I gave the ribbon back.

And how did that make you feel?

Terrible.

I worked really hard on that project.

I stayed up all night singing the clown's aria from Pagliacci

to a lima bean sprout.

Go on.

It wasn't my fault.

I had never seen my brother's project.

And my mother could've told me before

instead of at the ceremony in front of everyone.

So, I hear you saying

you're angry with your mother.

Damn right, I'm angry with my mother.

For God's sake, I was eight years old.

She humiliated me.

That's when the bed-wetting started again.

Thank you, Leonard.

For what?

If someone as damaged as you

can find his way to crawl out of bed each morning,

I think I can face a simple award ceremony.

Wait, that's it?

I thought we had a whole hour!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter,

and it is my very great honor to introduce the winner

of this year's Chancellor's award for Science

and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

But before I do,

I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother,

who couldn't be here tonight.

Isn't that nice?

His mother sent him a letter.

She's proud of him.

I wonder what that feels like.

Anyway,

"Dear Shelly."

That's what she calls him.

Shelly-- it's a pet name.

You know what my mother's pet name for me is?

Leonard.

But I digress.

"Dear Shelly..."

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I'm getting dizzy.

Don't worry.

You're surrounded by your C-Men.

I can't do this.

I'm going to faint.

Here, drink this.

It'll relax you.

Alcohol?

I don't drink alcohol.

Fine, faint.

I don't feel different.

This alcohol is defective.

Here, see if this one works.

First of all,

the projects were totally different.

I was showing

that classical music nurtures lima beans

and makes them grow, but my mother

didn't hear me.

If you'd like to look at the relationship

between nurturing and growth, I'd like to point out

that my brother is eight inches taller than me.

SHELDON I'm ready.

Oh,

right.

Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor

Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Thanks, shorty, I'll take it from here.

All right, you people ready to have some fun?

You have a basic

understanding of differential calculus

and at least one year of algebraic topology?

Well, then here come the jokes.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side-- bazinga!

All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks,

"How much for a drink?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Hello?

I know you're out there.

I can hear you metabolizing oxygen

and expelling carbon dioxide.

Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience.

Dr. Randall from the geology department--

only man who's happy when they take his work for granite.

Ba-da cha!

I kid the geologists, of course,

but it's only 'cause I have no respect for the field.

Let's get serious for a moment.

Why are we all here?

'Cause we're scientists.

And what do scientists study?

The universe.

And what's the universe made of?

I am so glad you asked.

♪ There's antimony ♪

♪ Arsenic, aluminum, selenium ♪

♪ And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium ♪

♪ And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium ♪

Everybody!

♪ And iron, americium ♪

♪ Ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, ♪

♪ Lutetium, vanadium ♪

Just the Asians!

♪ And lanthanum and osmium ♪

♪ And astatine and radium... ♪

Penny, Leonard.

Would you be able to answer some questions

I'm having about the events of last night?

Sure.

Question one...

where are my pants?

You might want to check YouTube.

What do I search?

It's already loaded. Just hit play.

SHELDON All right, people, let's get down to the math.

It is only three dimensional thinking

that limits our imagination.

Can I take my pants off over my head?

Of course not.

My body's in the way.

But if we had access to higher dimensions,

we could move our pants around our bodies

through the fourth dimension

and our days of dropping trousers would be over.

Oh, Lord...

This couldn't be any more humiliating.

Give it a minute.

Now, for the astronomers

in the audience, get ready to see

the dark side of the moon.

And here's Uranus.

-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --