Original subtitles

HEY, YOU'RE LISTENING TO WRXX,

THE HOME OF HARD ROCK 'N ROLL.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I WANT TO PARTY,

I WANT TO ROCK THE HOUSE,

I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND I HOPE YOU DO.

SO BUCKLE YOUR BELTS, GRAB YOUR HATS,

ZIP YOUR PANTS, AND HOIST YOUR BATS,

WE GOT SOME ROCKIN' TO DO TONIGHT.

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[TRAIN PASSING]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I ONLY WANT A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME.

DOESN'T COST YOU ANYTHING TO LISTEN.

PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME.

I JUST GOT RELEASED FROM RIKERS ISLAND,

WHERE I WAS UNJUSTLY INCARCERATED

FOR 30 DAYS

FOR ACTS I COMMITTED DURING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

DUE TO A SITUATION BEYOND MY CONTROL.

I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT.

THIS IS THE SITUATION.

I NEED YOUR MONEY.

I COULD BE OUT

ROBBING AND STEALING RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THAT.

I COULD BE HOLDING A KNIFE TO YOUR THROAT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE DOING THAT.

AND I'M SURE YOU DON'T WANT THAT, EITHER.

I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS LIFE.

I WANT TO WORK, BUT I CAN'T.

MY MEDICATION COSTS OVER $2,000 A WEEK,

OF WHICH MEDICAID ONLY PAYS ONE-THIRD.

I'M FORCED TO GO DOWN INTO THE LOWER EAST SIDE

AND BUY ILLEGAL DRUGS TO STOP THE PAIN.

I AM NOT A DRUG ADDICT.

IF YOU HELP ME OUT, IF YOU GIVE ME MONEY,

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEPLACE TO LIVE,

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.

IT'S REALLY ALL UP TO YOU.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

BAD SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE

FORCED ME INTO THE STREETS INTO A LIFE OF CRIME.

I WON'T BORE YOU WITH THE DETAILS,

BUT IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME

CALL MY PAROLE OFFICER MR. VINCENT GARDELO.

HIS HOME NUMBER IS 555-2738.

HE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT ME.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME

IS THAT YOU'RE IN THE UPS,

I'M IN THE DOWNS.

UNDERNEATH IT ALL, WE'RE EXACTLY THE SAME.

WE'RE BOTH HUMAN BEINGS.

I'M A HUMAN BEING.

I'M A PRODUCT OF MY ENVIRONMENT.

I'M A VICTIM OF A SICK SOCIETY.

I COME FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY.

MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,

MY MOTHER TRIED TO CONTROL ME,

MY SISTER THINKS SHE'S AN ACTRESS.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT THE CHILDHOOD I HAD.

THE WORLD'S A REALLY SCREWED UP PLACE.

IT GETS WORSE EVERY DAY.

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

HELP OUT SOMEBODY STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT SOUTH FUCKING AFRICA

10,000 MILES AWAY.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU,

GOD IS WATCHING YOU.

WHEN YOU HELP OUT SOMEBODY LESS FORTUNATE,

A HUMAN BEING LIKE ME...

I'M SORRY MY CLOTHES AREN'T CLEAN,

I'M SORRY I'M HOMELESS,

I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE A JOB,

I'M SORRY I HAVE TO INTERRUPT YOUR AFTERNOON,

BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE, I HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP.

I CAN'T CHANGE MY LIFE.

YOU CAN.

PLEASE, PLEASE, LOOK INTO YOUR HEARTS,

DO THE RIGHT THING.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOD BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU VERY-- NO, IT'S MINE, BUDDY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE A RIOT. THANKS A LOT.

STAY GUILTY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOD BLESS YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

VERY NICE BEING BACK ON THE SHOW AGAIN.

I'LL PUT THIS ON.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ENGLISH ACCENT] YES, WE'RE VERY EXCITED

ABOUT THE SUCCESS OF THE NEW ALBUM.

VERY NICE HAVING A NUMBER 1 ALBUM AGAIN,

CONSIDERING THE BAND REALLY HASN'T DONE ANYTHING

FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS.

IT'S REAL BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

NO, I DON'T, BILL. I DON'T.

AND I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT QUESTION.

I USED TO DO-- EXCUSE ME--

I USED TO DO QUITE A FEW DRUGS.

BUT YOU KNOW, BILL...

DRUGS ARE NO GOOD FOR ANYBODY.

I'VE SEEN LOTS OF PEOPLE GET MESSED UP ON DRUGS.

I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DIE ON DRUGS.

I WAS SAYING TO TREVOR JUST THE OTHER DAY,

I SAYS, TREVOR, HOW IS IT THAT WE MANAGED TO SURVIVE?

AFTER JIMI DIED AND JANICE DIED,

JOHN DIED,

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

WHY DIDN'T WE DIE?

WE SHOULD HAVE DIED, ALL THE STUFF WE USED TO DO.

YES, I WAS, BILL. YES, I WAS.

I WAS A BONAFIDE DRUG ADDICT.

I USED DRUGS EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 5 YEARS.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

I USED TO GET UP EVERY MORNING

BEFORE I EVEN BRUSHED MY TEETH,

I WOULD SMOKE A JOINT.

WHILE I WAS SMOKING THE JOINT,

I'D POP A BEER.

WHILE I WAS SIPPING THE BEER,

I'D COOK UP A SPOON OF HEROIN, COCAINE,

WHATEVER WAS LYING AROUND THE HOUSE.

STICK IT RIGHT IN MY ARM, BECOME COMPLETELY WASTED,

FLIP ON THE TELLY,

WATCH A LITTLE TELLY,

MAYBE HAVE SOME GIRLS OVER, GET HIGH WITH THEM,

ORDER UP SOME LUNCH,

FOOL AROUND WITH THE GIRLS,

GET HIGH SOME MORE.

I DID THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 5 YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

I MEAN, IT WAS WONDERFUL, TOO,

IN ITS OWN WAY.

I WON'T LIE TO YOU, BILL.

MY LIFE IS BASED ON HONESTY TODAY.

YES, WE DID, WE DID, WE SAW TRAGIC THINGS.

WE HAD A SOUND ENGINEER WHO USED TO WORK FOR US.

HAD A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH DRUGS.

HOOVER, WE CALLED HIM.

AND, UM, HOOVER'S PROBLEM WAS

HE WASN'T JUST OUR SOUND ENGINEER,

HE WAS ALSO IN CHARGE OF GETTING DRUGS FOR THE BAND.

WHENEVER WE CUT AN ALBUM,

WE HAD TO GET VERY, VERY HIGH.

WE WERE CUTTING THE WILD HORSESALBUM,

AND HOOVER--

OH, THANK YOU, BILL.

VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY THAT--

IT IS A GREAT ALBUM, IT IS.

IT'S REALLY HISTORIC, A ROCK CLASSIC, REALLY.

BUT, UM, WE'RE CUTTING WILD HORSES,

HOOVER SHOWS UP

WITH A COFFEE CAN FULL OF THE MOST AMAZING

WHITE FLAKE PERUVIAN COCAINE.

ABSOLUTELY PURE. AMAZING, AMAZING STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DONE

WHITE FLAKE PERUVIAN, BILL--

WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF IT

RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY--

JUST JOKING, OF COURSE.

BUT, UM...

YEAH, IT WAS GOOD.

BUT WE TOOK THAT COFFEE CAN,

WE SPILL IT OUT ON A TABLE,

CUT UP LINES TWO, THREE FEET LONG,

WE'RE ALL DOING LINES--

HOOVER WAS A BEAST WITH THAT STUFF.

HE USED TO DO 5 LINES THROUGH EACH NOSTRIL.

AND, OF COURSE,

IN THOSE DAYS YOU DIDN'T JUST DO COCAINE.

WE'RE DOING EVERYTHING IN THOSE DAYS.

TREVOR WAS SMOKING AFGHAN HASH

AROUND THE CLOCK,

NIGEL WAS SHOOTING CRYSTAL METH,

RONNIE SHOWED UP WITH A BOTTLE OF NYQUIL,

JUST GETTING COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT OF OUR MINDS.

WE STARTED TO PLAY.

BILL, WE NEVER PLAYED BETTER.

IT WAS HISTORIC, IT REALLY WAS.

AS IF THE WHOLE BAND HAD ESP,

CONNECTING IN THIS AMAZING, AMAZING WAY.

I WAS PLAYING MY GUITAR,

AND I LOOKED DOWN AT MY GUITAR

WHEN I WAS PLAYING,

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF--

IT'S NOT ME PLAYING THIS GUITAR.

IT'S NOT ME PLAYING.

IT'S GOD PLAYING THIS GUITAR FOR ME.

I REMEMBER THINKING THAT EXACTLY.

AND PLAYING FOR HOURS, HOURS,

VERY, VERY HIGH,

AND, UM...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT HERE, ANYWAY?

[LAUGHTER]

HOOVER, RIGHT. OF COURSE.

SO, UM...

SO WE'RE PLAYING ABOUT 2 HOURS,

BRILLIANTLY, BRILLIANTLY,

I HAPPEN TO LOOK AT THE BOOTH WHERE HOOVER WAS,

HOOVER'S BANGING HIS HEAD

AGAINST THE WINDOW LIKE THIS.

BLOOD IS RUNNING OFF HIS HEAD

ALL OVER HIS NOSE,

COCAINE IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS NOSTRILS

ALL OVER HIS BEARD.

HE LOOKED LIKE A DERANGED SANTA CLAUS.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS

HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO PUSH THE RECORD BUTTON.

WE WERE ALL COMPLETELY STARK RAVING MAD.

WE CAN LAUGH TODAY,

IT WASN'T VERY FUNNY THAT DAY.

WE HAD TO CALL SOME PEOPLE UP

AND THEY CAME AND PUT A STRAITJACKET ON HIM,

TOOK HIM AWAY...

YOU SEE, THE SAD THING ABOUT IT IS, BILL,

HOOVER WAS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS

IN THE WHOLE WORLD,

SO IT WAS...

IT WAS VERY TRAGIC. TRAGIC, INDEED.

HMM?

NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS TODAY.

I KNOW HE'S IN A SANITARIUM SOMEWHERE.

WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE HE'S WATCHING RIGHT NOW.

HOOVER, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, MAN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU SEE, BILL,

THAT'S THE REALLY INSIDIOUS THING ABOUT DRUGS.

YOU DON'T REALIZE.

YOU'RE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME,

YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT A BAD TIME YOU'RE HAVING.

I THINK THAT'S REALLY THE PROBLEM WITH IT.

IT WAS FOR ME, ANYWAY.

MYSELF, I GOT STRAIGHT.

I WAS ON TOUR,

A VERY TYPICAL TOUR SITUATION.

I WOKE UP ONE MORNING, AND, UM...

I'M IN A LUXURY HOTEL ROOM,

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM,

BEAUTIFUL NAKED GIRL LYING NEXT TO ME IN THE BED,

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, HOW SHE GOT THERE.

CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR,

COCAINE ON EVERY HORIZONTAL SURFACE

IN THE ROOM,

I CAN BARELY LIFT MY HEAD OFF THE PILLOW

I'M SO HIGH,

I PICK UP THE REMOTE CONTROL,

I FLIP ON THE TELLY,

AND I WAS SAVED, BILL. I WAS SAVED.

THERE'S A MAN YOU HAVE IN THIS COUNTRY,

HE'S ON TV ALL THE TIME,

AND HE SAVED MY LIFE, HE'S REALLY A GENIUS.

WITH THE WHITE HAIR, UM...

DONAHUE. DONAHUE WAS ON.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HE SAID SOMETHING AND IT REALLY STRUCK ME.

HE SAID IF YOU HAVEN'T MET YOUR FULL POTENTIAL

IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT BE ALIVE.

THE PROFOUNDNESS OF THAT THOUGHT

STRUCK ME LIKE A THUNDERBOLT.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME.

HERE I AM, I'M YOUNG,

I'M TALENTED, I'M INTELLIGENT,

I'M GOOD-LOOKING,

I'M VERY INTELLIGENT.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I'M JUST GETTING HIGH ON DRUGS EVERY DAY.

YOU SEE, BILL,

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

SOME NEGRO GUY OR PUERTO RICAN GUY

IN THE GHETTO.

I CAN SEE WHY THAT MAN'S ON DRUGS.

BUT IN MY CASE IT'S SUCH A TRAGEDY, REALLY,

WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT.

IT'S SUCH A WASTE, A WASTE OF HUMAN POTENTIAL.

BECAUSE, BILL, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAVIAR

BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER,

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR STRETCH LIMOUSINES,

YOUR CONCORD FLIGHTS

BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE ATLANTIC,

WADS OF CASH,

EVERYBODY TREATING YOU LIKE GODS,

WOMEN WILLING TO DO

WHATEVER YOU WANT THEM TO DO,

WHEREVER YOU WANT THEM TO DO IT,

OK?

[LAUGHTER]

HOUSE IN L.A., HOUSE IN LONDON,

APARTMENT IN NEW YORK,

HOME IN THE BAHAMAS.

BILL, IF IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,

WHAT'S THE POINT?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

MAYBE NOT. BUT, UM...

I GOT ALL MY BLOOD CHANGED AND EVERYTHING,

AND I REALLY BECAME REBORN.

I CAN REALLY SAY TODAY, I LIKE MYSELF TODAY.

I'M NOT A BAD GUY.

I'M A PRETTY AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.

AND I'M HONEST ENOUGH

TO SAY THAT ABOUT MYSELF TODAY.

I'VE REALLY COME TO TERMS WITH MY OWN BRILLIANCE.

YES, YES, YES, YES.

AND THE REST OF THE BAND GOT STRAIGHT AS WELL.

WE JUST WANT TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE TODAY.

YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THE BENEFIT

FOR THE AMAZONIAN INDIANS, THAT'S RIGHT.

TREVOR HAS A HOME DOWN IN RIO.

WE GO DOWN THERE EVERY WINTER

WHEN IT'S SUMMER DOWN THERE.

HAS A LOVELY HOUSEBOY,

TAKES CARE OF THE HOUSE FOR HIM.

NACHO, WE CALL HIM.

HE ACTUALLY NOT A BOY, HE'S ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD.

LOVELY LITTLE GUY,

ABOUT THIS TALL, VERY BROWN.

ALWAYS SMILING, VERY HELPFUL.

NACHO KNEW WE WERE INTO THE ENVIRONMENT,

SO HE CHARTERED A BOAT FOR US TO GO UP THE AMAZON.

LOOK AT THE BIRDS, THE TREES,

THE JUNGLES, THE FLOWERS.

ALL THAT SHIT.

SO WE'RE GOING ALONG ON THIS BOAT,

AND WE SEE THIS CLEARING ALONG THE RIVER.

AND IT WAS ONE OF THESE VILLAGES,

INDIAN VILLAGES, WHATEVER THEY ARE.

WE GO DOWN, START TO WALK AROUND...

BILL, I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH DEPRESSING POVERTY

IN MY LIFE.

THE CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND BAREFOOT

WITH THE DOGS AND THE DIRT.

THEY DON'T OWN ANY SHOES AT ALL.

WOMEN HALF-NAKED,

BREAST-FEEDING THEIR INFANTS RIGHT FROM THEIR BREASTS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DON'T HAVE RUNNING WATER.

NOT A CLEAN DRINK OF WATER

ANYWHERE IN THE PLACE.

I WAS PARCHED.

COULDN'T GET A COKE, A PEPSI, NOTHING.

CHIEF CAME OUT TO GREET US.

MAN IS THE CHIEF OF THE WHOLE VILLAGE.

HE OWNS NO CLOTHING, COMPLETELY NAKED.

HIS WILLY'S STICKING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE.

ALL HE HAD ON WERE FEATHERS STICKING OUT OF HIS HAIR.

COULDN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

IT WAS HEARTBREAKING, IT REALLY WAS.

I TURNED TO TREVOR AND I SAYS, TREVOR,

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

WE HAVE TO HELP THESE PEOPLE.

IT'S UP TO US, AFTER ALL.

WE ARE THE WORLD, SO TO SPEAK.

SO, WE DECIDED TO DO THE BENEFITS.

IT IS GOING TO BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

IT IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE SO OFTEN, BILL,

I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT, UM,

SO OFTEN THESE BENEFITS ARE JUST EGO TRIPS.

I HATE TO SAY THAT BUT THEY CAN BE THAT.

AND THEY RAISE ALL THIS MONEY,

THEY SHIP IT DOWN TO THESE PEOPLE,

THESE POOR BUGGERS

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE MONEY.

THEY'VE NEVER SEEN MONEY BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY'RE PRIMITIVE PEOPLE.

WE FOUND THAT MANY THINGS WE HAD

THEY REALLY LIKED

AND COULD ENJOY AND USE.

DIGITAL WRIST WATCHES, SONY WALKMENS,

CIGARETTE LIGHTERS, CIGARETTES--

THEY LOVE CIGARETTES.

WE'RE GOING TO BE BUYING THESE THINGS FOR THEM

WITH THE MONEY WE RAISE,

SHIPPING THEM DOWN,

AND REALLY TRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES

IN A SUBSTANTIAL WAY.

[LAUGHTER]

DO SOME GOOD, FOR A CHANGE.

IT'S NOTHING, IT'S NOTHING, BILL, PLEASE.

BUT I REALLY HOPE THAT EVERYBODY WATCHING

CAN WATCH US-- WE'RE ON HBO.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY CRONENBROW BEER,

MARLBORO CIGARETTES.

SORRY, BILL, SORRY-- I HAVE TO SAY IT.

THEY'VE BEEN WONDERFUL SPONSORS.

MARLBORO'S BEEN SHIPPING DOWN

CARTONS OF CIGARETTES

DOWN TO THESE POOR LITTLE INDIANS.

BUY THE ALBUM WHEN IT COMES OUT,

AND REMEMBER, FOR EVERY DOLLAR YOU DONATE,

FULLY 20 PERCENT

GOES DIRECTLY TO THE AMAZONIAN INDIANS.

[LAUGHTER]

BILL, I'D LIKE TO SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT DRUGS

IF I MAY,

BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY KIDS WATCHING RIGHT NOW,

AND THEY BUY OUR ALBUMS, MEMORIZE THE LYRICS,

THEY LIVE THEIR LIVES BY THEM.

SO I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY

IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS ABOUT DRUGS IF I MAY...

I'VE DONE A LOT OF DRUGS.

I'VE HAD ADVENTURES ON DRUGS.

A LOT OF MY BEST MUSIC HAS BEEN WRITTEN

WHILE I WAS ON DRUGS.

IT'S SAFE TO SAY

I'VE HAD SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE ON DRUGS...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO USE THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

WE WERE RECENTLY INVITED DOWN TO THE WHITE HOUSE

TO DO A SPECIAL CONCERT

FOR VICE-PRESIDENT QUAYLE AND HIS LOVELY WIFE MARILYN.

OH, YEAH, SHE'S HOT, SHE'S VERY HOT INDEED.

I'LL TELL A LITTLE STORY WHEN WE GET OFF THE AIR.

WHATEVER YOU MIGHT THINK

ABOUT THE VICE-PRESIDENT PUBLICLY,

IN PERSON HE'S A VERY WARM, VERY CARING,

VERY, VERY INTELLIGENT MAN.

HE SHARED SOMETHING WITH US

I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU TONIGHT,

AND THAT'S THIS--

THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE OFFERS YOU DRUGS,

REMEMBER,

YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST...

TURN THEM IN.

[LAUGHTER]

THANK YOU, BILL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. CHEERIO.

CHEERS. CHEERIO, CHEERS.

[APPLAUSE]

SHIT, FUCK, PISS. SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS. SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS. SHIT, FUCK, PISS!

SHIT, FUCK, PISS!

WHAT'S THAT? WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S SHIT, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

THERE'S SHIT ON THE GROUND, SHIT IN THE AIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WE'RE LIVING IN A HUMAN GARBAGE CAN.

YOU CAN'T WALK DOWN THE STREET

WITHOUT STEPPING IN SOME GARBAGE,

DOG MESS EVERYWHERE YOU GO,

LITTLE LUMPS OF SHIT EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

LITTLE SMEARS ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.

EVERYTHING'S DRENCHED IN PISS,

POOLS OF PISS, RIVERS OF PISS.

STREAMS OF PISS.

THE RIVERS, THE RIVERS, THE RIVERS--

THE RIVERS ARE POLLUTED!

THE RIVERS ARE POLLUTED

AND WHERE DO THE RIVERS COME FROM, HUH?

THEY COME OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS.

THEY'RE FULL OF HUNTERS AND HIKERS

AND CROSS-COUNTRY SKIERS.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING? PISSING ON EVERY TREE,

SHITTING ON EVERY BUSH.

WHAT DO THEY CARE?

TREES ARE GOING TO DIE FROM ACID RAIN ANYWAY.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THAT ACID RAIN COMES DOWN OFF THE TREES

AND IT MIXES IN WITH THE PEE ON THE SIDE OF THE TREES.

IT MAKES A BROOK.

AND IT MEETS ALL THE OTHER PEE BROOKS

AND THEY ALL COME TOGETHER AND MAKE A STREAM.

THE STREAM COMES DOWN OFF THE MOUNTAINS

AND IT GOES DOWN PAST THE CONDOS

WHERE THEY GOT PIPES STICKING OUT

WITH MORE PISS AND SHIT AND SOAP SUDS,

OLD TAMPONS, AND PUKE FROM THE DRUNKEN PARTIES.

THE PLACE SO UGLY

YOU HAVE TO BE DRUNK JUST TO LIVE IN THEM.

ALL THAT STUFF IS POURED IN THE STREAM,

AND THE STREAM GETS BIGGER AND MAKES A RIVER.

PAST THE FACTORIES

WITH EVEN BIGGER PIPES STICKING OUT.

SPEWING OUT ALL THIS COMPOST AND COMPOUNDS

AND ARSENIC, AND...

NUTRASWEET.

AND ALL THIS SHIT IS POURED INTO THE RIVER.

AND ALL THIS STUFF GOES DOWN THE RIVER

AND GETS EVEN BIGGER!

IT GOES DOWN PAST THE CITIES,

WHERE THEY GOT EVEN BIGGER PIPES,

CHOKED WITH THE SLOP

FROM MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF TOILET BOWLS

AND GARBAGE DISPOSALS AND HOSPITAL BEDPANS

AND LAUNDROMATS AND FRIED CHICKEN PLACES

AND WHOREHOUSES AND CAR WASHES

AND PIZZERIAS AND UKRAINIAN RESTAURANTS.

ALL THAT SHIT IS POURED INTO THE RIVER.

AND WHERE'S THIS NICE, CLEAN RIVER GOING?

IT GOES INTO THE OCEAN.

AND THE OCEAN HAS THIS GIANT OIL SLICK

WITH ALL THIS SHIT BEING POURED INTO IT.

BUT THAT ISN'T ENOUGH.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

THEN THEY GOTTA--THEN--

THEN THEY GOT TO GET THESE GIANT GARBAGE PAILS,

PULL THOSE AROUND FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS,

STICKING AND ROTTEN AND FULL OF MAGGOTS AND MILDEW,

LET'S DUMP THAT INTO THE OCEAN, TOO.

AND THE RICH GUYS

ARE RIDING AROUND IN THEIR PLEASURE BOATS.

THEY GOT THEIR FISHING POLES,

DRINKING THEIR BEERS,

AND THEY'RE THROWING THE CANS OVER THE SIDE.

THEN THEY START PEEING OVER THE SIDE.

THEY START GETTING SEASICK.

THEY START PUKING UP THEIR STEAK TARTAR

AND THEIR CAVIAR AND THEIR CREME BRULET,

AND THEIR PATE--

BLECHH--

[LAUGHTER]

ALL THAT STUFF IS GOING IN THE OCEAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN THAT OCEAN THERE?

WHAT ELSE IS IN THE OCEAN?

FISH. THAT'S RIGHT.

MILLIONS OF LITTLE FISHIES SWIMMING AROUND,

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO GET PAST THE EGG SHELLS

AND THE BANANA PEELS AND COFFEE GROUNDS.

AND THE WADDED UP PIECES OF TOILET PAPER

COME BY AND GET STUCK IN THEIR EYES.

THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF IN THERE.

AND THEY WANT TO WIPE THEIR EYES, BUT THEY CAN'T--

THEY DON'T GOT HANDS, THEY GOT FINS!

THEY SWIM TO THE TOP OF THE WATER TO LOOK AROUND.

AND WHAT'S AT THE TOP OF THE WATER? OIL.

AND OIL GOES IN THEIR GILLS, AND THEIR HAIR.

THEY GET ALL GREASY AND THEY DROWN.

THEY JUST LIE THERE DEAD LIKE THIS.

AND THEN A SEAGULL, HE COMES FLYING BY,

SEES THAT NICE LITTLE FISH, WANTS TO EAT HIM UP,

NOW HE'S STUCK IN OIL, TOO.

AND THE SEAL, HE WANTS TO EAT THE SEAGULL,

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL, HE DROWNS.

AND THE POLAR BEAR, HE WANTS TO EAT THE SEAL.

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL, HE DROWNS.

AND THE LION, HE WANTS TO EAT THE POLAR BEAR.

HE GETS STUCK IN OIL, HE DROWNS.

AND THAT'S THE OCEAN-- IT'S A GIANT BATTLE--

OIL AND GARBAGE AND DEAD ANIMALS,

JUST SLOSHING AROUND THERE.

THEN A HURRICANE COMES.

AND THEN A TIDAL WAVE COMES.

AND THE WHOLE THING

JUST SPLASHES ALL OVER THE BEACHES.

AND THERE YOU GOT IT, SEE?

THERE YOU GOT IT. THAT'S IT, SEE?

MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF LITTLE DEAD FISHIES

ALL OVER THE BEACHES.

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

RATS COME.

RATS COME DOWN TO EAT THE FISHIES.

THEN THE CATS COME TO EAT THE RATS.

AND THEN THE DOGS COME TO EAT THE CATS.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THE DOGS DO?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO!

THEY SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE!

THE DOG SHIT AND THE HORSE SHIT

AND THE PIGEON SHIT,

THE RAT SHIT--

FUCKING SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SHIT, FUCK, PISS.

SH--

[LAUGHTER]

LIVING IN A HUMAN TOILET BOWL.

WE'RE LIVING IN A HUMAN TOILET BOWL!

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY FLUSH THE TOILET.

FLUSH THE TOILET, THAT'S WHAT I SAY!

FLUSH THE TOILET, THAT'S WHAT I SAY!

THAT'S WHAT I SAY... THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

[COUGHS UP PHLEGM]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] SOMETIMES WHEN I'M IN A BAR

HAVIN' A DRINK WITH SOME FELLAS,

ONE WILL MAKE AN IDLE COMMENT LIKE

HOW DOES THAT GUY DO IT?

HE ALWAYS GETS THE GIRLS.

I REMAIN QUIET WHEN I HEAR SUCH REMARKS.

I LIKE TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE

REGARDIN' MY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.

I DON'T NEED TO ADVERTISE.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT.

LADIES, HELL, THEY KNOW BETTER THAN I DO.

OH, I'M NOT SO GOOD-LOOKIN'.

I WAS ATHLETIC WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

BUT I'M NO MR. UNIVERSE.

MEDIUM HEIGHT, MEDIUM WEIGHT.

NEVER REALLY EXCELLED AT ANYTHING.

CERTAINLY NOT SCHOOL.

FAR AS MY JOB GOES,

THEY CAN ALL FUCK THEMSELVES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

'CAUSE I GOT WHAT EVERY GUY, EVERY WOMAN WANTS.

ALL THE LOOKS, BRAINS, MONEY IN THE WORLD

CAN'T BUY IT.

I'M ENDOWED.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT A LONG, THICK, WELL-SHAPED PRICK.

[LAUGHTER]

THE KIND GIRLS DIE FOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE LAUGHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT? FUCK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

FACTS ARE FACTS.

I GO DOWN TO SOME BAR AROUND 6 O'CLOCK

AND THEY ALL COME.

THE GUYS WITH THEIR HEALTH CLUB BODIES,

THEIR EXPENSIVE ITALIAN SUITS,

TRYING TO COMPENSATE.

[LAUGHTER]

LADIES...LADIES, SMART, FRESH, PRETTY.

I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE LADIES WITH THE BIG BOWTIES

AND THE ADIDAS SNEAKERS.

I PICK OUT THE PRETTIEST ONE IN THE ROOM,

WE START TALKIN' ABOUT THIS OR THAT,

I ACT LIKE I'M GOIN' TO BUY HER A DRINK,

THEN I JUST LOOK HER IN THE EYES AND SAY--

WHY DON'T WE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE?

2 HOURS LATER I'M IN SOME STRANGE BEDROOM

BLOWIN' SMOKE RINGS AT THE CEILIN'.

THEY LOVE TO TELL ME

ABOUT THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR HUSBANDS.

WHAT WONDERFUL MEN THEY ARE.

SO NICE, SO GENTLE, SO DEPENDABLE.

SO BORING.

THEY LOVE TO TELL ME WHAT A WONDERFUL COCK I'VE GOT.

SO BIG, SO HARD,

SO UNLIKE ANYTHING THEY'VE GOT AT HOME.

AND THEY LOVE TO BEG FOR MORE.

I LOVE TO GIVE IT TO 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

EVER SEE A GIRL CRY 'CAUSE SHE'S SO HAPPY?

[LAUGHTER]

EVER SEE SOMEONE BEG TO TEAR YOUR CLOTHES OFF?

EVER SEE A WOMAN FAINT

BECAUSE SHE'S HAD SUCH AN INTENSE ORGASM?

I HAVE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S LIKE THAT GUY, UM, BACK IN SCHOOL.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME, THE GREEK GUY?

PLATO.

HE SAID THERE'S A PERFECT THING

AFTER WHICH ALL THINGS ARE MODELED.

THAT'S MY SEX LIFE. PLATONIC PERFECTION.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKIN'.

YOU'RE THINKIN' THIS GUY, HE'S REALLY LONELY,

DEEP DOWN HE'S OBSESSED,

HE'S GOT NO LOVE IN HIS LIFE.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT LOVE. I'VE GOT LOVE.

I SAVE THE CHOICES FOR DAILY USE.

THAT'S LOVE. RIGHT?

SAME AS YOU. SAME AS EVERYBODY.

BUT, SEE, I GOT ALL THE OTHERS, TOO.

I SEE SOME GIRL WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET,

I LIKE THE WAY HER PANTS FIT,

BINGO, SHE'S MINE.

SOME GET SCARED AFTER AWHILE,

GO BACK TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS.

IT'S OK WITH ME. I UNDERSTAND.

IT'S A LOT TO HANDLE.

SOME GET ADDICTED,

I GET RID OF THEM, TOO.

MOST OF THE TIME THEY'RE VERY COOL ABOUT IT.

STOP WHATEVER THEY'RE DOIN', WHATEVER THEY'RE DOIN'

WHEN I GIVE THEM A CALL.

COUPLE OF TIMES GIRLS STOP SCREWIN' THEIR BOYFRIENDS

WHEN I GAVE THEM A RING.

SEE, THEY UNDERSTAND.

THIS KIND OF QUALITY-- AND QUANTITY--

IS IN LIMITED SUPPLY.

LET'S BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER,

SHALL WE?

SEX IS WHAT EVERYBODY'S BASICALLY INTERESTED IN.

GREAT SEX WITH GREAT-LOOKIN' GREAT FUCKS.

THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY TO GO AROUND.

I AM ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO FEEL SORRY FOR OTHER PEOPLE,

USED TO FEEL GUILTY.

LIKE I'M LIVIN' IN A COLOR MOVIE,

EVERYBODY ELSE LIVIN' IN BLACK-AND-WHITE.

BUT THEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

HELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO LIVE OUT THE DREAM.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO HAVE IT ALL.

MIGHT AS WELL BE ME.

[APPLAUSE]

[HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ YEAH

♪ OW OW OW OW

♪ YEAH-EAH

[ITALIAN-AMERICAN VOICE] TERRY! TERRY,

GO FOR A LONG ONE, MAN.

GO BACK! GO BACK!

GO ALL THE WAY BACK.

LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK COMING AROUND THERE.

TERRY, LOOK OUT FOR THE TRUCK BEHIND YOU THERE.

TERRY!

I TOLD YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR THE TRUCK, MAN.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU'RE UNCOORDINATED.

TERRY, TERRY, TERRY!

YOU GOING TO THE STORE TO GET BEER?

GET ME A PACK OF CIGARETTES, PLEASE.

MARLBOROS, HARD PACK.

COME ON, MAN, PLEEEASE!

THANK YOU.

HEY, JOEY, MY MAN.

THAT POT WAS GREAT LAST NIGHT, MAN.

WE SMOKED THE WHOLE THING UP.

WE GOT TO GET SOME MORE FROM YOU, MAN.

A POUND ONLY LASTS SO FAR, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OH, YEAH, GREAT FUCKING PARTY, JOEY.

GREAT FUCKING PARTY.

ME AND FRANKIE, WE GOES DOWN THE CORNER, RIGHT?

WE KIDNAPS LOUIE,

WE BRINGS HIM UP TO THE APARTMENT.

WE GOT 5 CASES OF BEER, 3 CASES OF CHAMPAGNE,

A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, AN OUNCE OF COKE,

AND A HALF-POUND OF POT.

FOR THE THREE OF US, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

LOUIE'S LOOKING AROUND, HE GOES WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I GO, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW, MAN, COME ON.

IT'S YOUR SURPRISE STAG PARTY.

LOUIE JUST LOOKS AROUND AND HE GOES,

I HAVE TO BE AT THE CHURCH AT 10 A.M.

I CAN'T GET TOO WASTED.

FRANKIE'S CUTTING LINES OF COKE,

HE LOOKS UP, HE GOES,

DON'T WORRY, MAN, WE WON'T GET YOU TOO WASTED.

RIGHT? HA-HA, HA-HA, HA-HA.

[CONTINUES CHUCKLING]

FRANKIE SNAPS HIS FINGERS, THE BEDROOM DOOR POPS OPEN,

THREE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS COME WALTZING OUT

WEARING BIKINIS, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT LOUIE WAS GOING TO START CRYING.

HUH? ARE THEY FRIENDS OF FRANKIE'S?

HE TOLD THEM IF THEY HUNG OUT WITH US FOR THE NIGHT,

HE'D INTRODUCE THEM TO BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE KNEW BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT? HE DOESN'T?

OH. ANYWAYS, GREAT PARTY, MAN.

CHAMPAGNE, COCAINE.

FRANKIE GOT SOME PORNO TAPES TO WARM UP THE CHICKS.

THE NICE ONES, MAN,

THE KIND WITH STORIES IN THEM AND STUFF.

ONE WAS REALLY FUNNY-- WAIT A SEC--

WAIT, WAIT.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT, RIGHT?

THERE'S A GIRL IN A HOUSE,

SHE'S IRONING HER CLOTHES, RIGHT?

THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR, SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

GUY OUTSIDE GOES, IT'S THE MILKMAN.

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!

THIS GUY COMES IN, RIGHT?

I DON'T THINK IT WAS LIKE A REAL MILKMAN OR NOTHIN'.

THE GUY COMES IN,

THEY START DOING IT RIGHT ON THE IRONING BOARD.

BOM-BIN-DA, BOM-BIN-DA...

VERY TASTEFULLY DONE.

VERY SENSUAL, VERY NICE.

THEY DO IT, FINALLY HE LEAVES.

SHE GOES BACK TO IRON.

SHE'S IRONING, ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

GUY OUTSIDE GOES...

WAIT A MINUTE.

OH, YEAH...UPS, UPS!

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!

THIS GUY COMES IN, HE'S GOT A BOX, RIGHT?

HE'S BRINGING THIS BOX IN LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

SHE OPENS IT UP, HIS DICK'S INSIDE!

I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED IT

IN A MILLION YEARS!

HUH?

THERE WAS A HOLE IN THE BOX.

HIS DICK WAS GOING THROUGH THE HOLE, MAN.

SICK FUCK...

SO ANYWAYS, THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT, THEY DO IT.

FINALLY, HE LEAVES, TAKES HIS DICK WITH HIM,

SHE GOES BACK TO IRONING.

SHE'S IRONING KIND OF SLOW NOW.

SHE KIND OF LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR, SHE GOES, WHO IS IT?

NO ANSWER. NO ANSWER, RIGHT?

SHE GOES TO THE DOOR TO SEE WHO IT IS.

DO-TO-DO-TO-DO-TO-DO...

SHE LOOKS OUTSIDE, THERE'S NOBODY OUT THERE.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR, THERE'S NOBODY OUT THERE.

SHE LOOKS DOWN, JOEY, THERE'S A DOG OUT THERE.

THE DOG TROTS IN, STARTS LICKING HER FEET,

LICKING HER LEGS, LICKING HER KNEES--

I CAN'T WATCH IT. I'M LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL THE PRIEST IN CONFESSION?

I WAS WATCHING DOG PORNO TAPES.

THEY LOVE THAT STUFF.

THAT'LL BE 15 MILLION HAIL MARY'S,

20 MILLION OUR FATHERS.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT.

SO, I'M LIKE THIS, I'M NOT LOOKING.

THE BABE I'M SITTING WITH,

SHE'S WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.

SHE'S REALLY WATCHING.

I, LIKE TOLD THIS TO HER, I GOES, UH...

THIS STUFF TURN YOU ON?

SHE GOES, SURE, WHY NOT?

LIKE IT'S THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

REST OF THE NIGHT I'M CHECKING MYSELF FOR FLEAS.

FOOD, MAN, I GOT THE FOOD TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS RUN OUT OF POTATO CHIPS?

I GOT LIKE 50 BAGS OF POTATO CHIPS, MAN.

THE NICE KIND, THE RIPPLE KIND.

I GOT NICE CLAM DIP FROM 7-ELEVEN.

NO EXPENSE WAS SPARED.

I'M SITTING THERE, SITTING ON THE COUCH,

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF-- JOEY, I'M TELLING YOU--

THIS IS THE BEST PARTY I'VE EVER BEEN TO

IN MY LIFE.

I'M DOING EVERYTHING I LOVE TO DO

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

I'M SITTING WITH A BABE, I'M WATCHING TV,

I'M EATING CLAM DIP WITH A RIPPLE POTATO CHIP,

I'M SMOKING JOINTS, I'M SNORTING COKE,

I'M DRINKING SHOTS OF JACK DANIELS,

I'M CHASING THEM WITH GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE

MIXED WITH HEINEKEN,

I'M SITTING THERE, MAN,

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

THIS IS CIVILIZED, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.

WHAT ELSE COULD YOU WANT?

GEORGE BUSH WISHES HE WAS DOING THIS RIGHT NOW.

AND I GOT BUMMED OUT.

I GOT BUMMED OUT BECAUSE I SAT THERE

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

I THOUGHT ABOUT LOUIE.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, HE'S GOING TO GET MARRIED,

HE'S NEVER GOING TO HAVE FUN LIKE THIS

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

GUYS GET MARRIED, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT THEM

PUT THEM IN A BOX SOMEPLACE, YOU KNOW?

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M GOING TO CALL HIM UP 6 MONTHS FROM NOW,

I'M GOING TO SAY LOUIE, LET'S GO OUT.

LET'S PLAY SOME POOL OR SOMETHING,

DRIVE AROUND, SMOKE A COUPLE OF Js.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO SAY TO ME?

HE'S GOING TO SAY, I CAN'T,

I HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL WITH MY WIFE,

LOOK FOR TOWELS AND SHEETS.

GUY'S HAD ONE TOWEL, ONE SHEET FOR 25 YEARS,

ALL OF A SUDDEN HE NEEDS NEW TOWELS AND SHEETS.

WHO PUTS THOSE IDEAS IN A GUY'S HEAD, MAN?

YOU KNOW WHO?

YOU KNOW FUCKIN' WHO.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, GREAT FUCKIN' PARTY, THOUGH.

ME AND FRANKIE,

PLAYING ALL THE GREAT PARTY GAMES.

WHO CAN SNORT THE MOST COKE,

WHO CAN MAKE HIS NOSE BLEED FIRST,

WHO CAN DRINK THE MOST SHOTS,

WHO CAN SEE DOUBLE FIRST.

GETTING HAMMERED, MAN. HAMMERED OUT OF OUR MINDS.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE THIS CLOSE TO PUKING

AND YOU DON'T PUKE?

LIKE THAT, ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN.

NICE. ALL FUCKING NIGHT, MAN.

FEELING THE BRAIN CELLS DYING IN MY HEAD.

OH, THERE GOES THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY HEAD.

OH, I'M A MORON! HA HA HA HA!

MUST HAVE BLACKED OUT 5 TIMES, MAN.

I WAKES UP OUT OF A BLACKOUT,

I LOOKS OVER, LOUIE'S ON THE COUCH,

HE'S GOT HIS HANDS UP THE CHICK'S BLOUSE,

THIS ANGELA, THIS GIRL WE FIXED HIM UP WITH.

HE'S GOT HANDS UP HER BLOUSE,

HIS TONGUE IN HER EAR.

NEXT THING WE KNOW

HE'S GOING IN THE BEDROOM WITH HER--

HEY, IT'S OK WITH ME.

HE'S NORMAL, HE'S GOT HORMONES.

ISN'T MARRIED YET, LET HIM GO IN THE BEDROOM.

SO, I'M HUNGRY, RIGHT?

I GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT IN THE KITCHEN,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS GET HUNGRY WHENEVER I DO QUAALUDES.

SO, I'M FRYING UP THESE STEAKS.

WHOLE TRICK TO FRYING STEAKS WHEN YOU'RE DOING QUAALUDES

IS KEEPING YOUR FACE OUT OF THE FRYING PAN.

OH, SHIT!

BURNING MY NOSE THERE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THIS ANGELA COMES TEARING OUT OF THE BEDROOM

SHE SAYS YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT YOUR FRIEND IN THERE.

I GO, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

ME AND FRANKIE GO RUNNING INTO THE BEDROOM.

LOUIE'S SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR,

SHITFACED, CRYING HIS EYES OUT.

REALLY CRYING. SITTING THERE GOING...

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED ANYMORE.

I WENT, LOUIE, LOUIE,

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED, ALL RIGHT?

WE ALREADY HIRED THE HALL AND EVERYTHING.

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER MADE LASAGNA

FOR 400 PEOPLE, MAN.

YOU GOT TO GET MARRIED.

HE SAID, I DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.

WHO'S HER? IT'S ANGELA, RIGHT?

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT, RIGHT?

I'M GETTING ONE OF THOSE BRAIN TUMOR HEADACHES.

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SMELLS MY STEAKS BURNING.

WE GO RUNNING BACK INTO THE KITCHEN,

THE WHOLE KITCHEN IS ALL, LIKE...

FIRE. ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF FIRE.

WE'RE THROWING CHAMPAGNE ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING BEER ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING CHEESE-WHIZ ON IT,

WE'RE THROWING CHEESE BALLS, EVERYTHING.

FINALLY, WE PUT THE FIRE OUT.

WHOLE PLACE STINKS, IT SMELLS.

STEAKS STUCK TO THE WALLS.

FRANKIE'S SO FUNNY, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT FRANKIE SAYS?

HE WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN,

LOOKS AROUND, HE GOES,

FUCK THE FUCKING PARTY, MAN. THE FUCKING PARTY'S FUCKED.

WHERE DOES HE THINK THAT SHIT UP?

HE'S A BORN COMEDIAN, I TELL YOU.

SO, I GO, WAIT A MINUTE.

PARTY'S NOT FINISHED.

APARTMENT'S FINISHED, THE PARTY'S NOT FINISHED.

LET'S GO DOWN TO SOMEPLACE NICE,

HAVE A NICE SIT-DOWN MEAL,

WE CAN KEEP HAVING OUR PARTY, RIGHT?

SO, WE'S GOES DOWN TO THE NEW McDONALD'S,

WE WALKS IN THE DOOR, WE GOT THE BABES WITH US,

THERE'S FOUR HELL'S ANGELS SITTING HERE EATING.

WE DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM, ALL RIGHT?

WE SITS OVER HERE.

THE GIRLS ARE GETTING KIND OF SILLY.

THEY'RE SCREWING AROUND, BEING SILLY.

HOW GIRLS GET WHEN THEY GET DRUNK.

LOUIE, HE'S NOT EATING.

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ANGELA NOW

SO HE'S NEVER GOING TO EAT AGAIN

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

FRANKIE, HE'S NOT EATING,

BECAUSE EVERY TIME HE GETS NEAR A HELL'S ANGEL,

THAT SCAR ON THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD

STARTS TO THROB.

HE'S SITTING, HE'S THROBBING,

I'M EATING.

I'M IN A McDONALD'S I'M GOING TO EAT,

I'M NOT GOING TO MISS THE OPPORTUNITY.

I'M SCARFING DOWN THESE BURGERS.

ONE OF THE CHICKS, SHE GRABS ONE OF MY, LIKE,

LIKE THOSE KETCHUP THINGS THERE.

THOSE--WHATCHAMACALLITS?

WHAT DO THEY CALL THOSE THINGS ANYWAY?

KETCHUP BAGS.

TAKES ONE OF MY KETCHUP BAGS,

AND SHE'S SQUEEZING IT.

AND OF A SUDDEN IT GOES--

ALL OVER FRANKIE'S SHIRT.

SHE STARTS LAUGHING LIKE A HYENA.

LIKE THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING

SHE EVER SAW IN HER WHOLE LIFE.

ALL THE GIRLS, THEY ALL START LAUGHING,

THE HELL'S ANGELS, THEY START LAUGHING,

PEOPLE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT,

THE WHOLE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT FRANKIE HERE.

LET'S MAKE AN ATOM BOMB ON HIM.

WE'RE LIKE FRANKIE, FRANKIE, FRANKIE...

LET'S GO OUT, GET SOME FRESH AIR.

FRANKIE, LET'S GET SOME FRESH AIR.

HE'S THERE, IN A MINUTE.

I GO, FRANKIE, FRANKIE, LISTEN, MAN.

FOUR OF THEM, THREE OF US.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE NOW, MAN.

HE'S THERE, IN A MINUTE.

HE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE,

HE GOES OVER TO THE BIGGEST HELL'S ANGEL,

GUY'S NOT EVEN A HUMAN BEING,

GUYS SITTING THERE, SHAVED HEAD,

TATTOO OF JESUS OR SATAN OR SOME FUCK ON HIS HEAD.

RING THROUGH HIS NOSE, BIG BUSHY BEARD,

HE'S SITTING THERE GOING...

LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

FRANKIE WALKS RIGHT UP TO HIM,

HE GOES, YO CHIEF, YOU LOSE THIS?

HE'S GOT A KETCHUP BAG IN HIS HAND.

HE GOES...

ALL OVER THE GUY'S FACE!

THE GUY COULDN'T EVEN SHAKE HIS HEAD.

FRANKIE'S LIKE, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM...

BEATING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THIS GUY.

FORTUNATELY, I THOUGHT AHEAD,

I PICKED UP ONE OF THOSE RONALD McDONALD TRASH CANS,

I TOSSED IT INTO THE TEETH

OF THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO HIM.

I'M STOMPING THIS GUY WITH A TRASH CAN.

LOUIE, HE'S GOOD FOR NOTHING,

COMES OVER AND FALLS ON ONE OF THE GUYS.

GIRLS ARE THROWING FRESH FRIES, HAMBURGERS,

MANAGER OF McDONALD'S COMES RUNNING OUT,

HE'S GOT ONE OF THEM FIRE EXTINGUISHERS,

STICKS IT IN MY EAR, TURNS IT ON--

WHAT A RUSH!

FRANKIE GOES RUNNING TO THE BACK OF THE PLACE,

GETS A BIG POT, FILLS IT WITH HOT FRENCH FRY GREASE,

COMES BY, THROWS IT ON ALL OF THESE GUYS.

ME, FRANKIE, AND LOUIE

GO RUNNING OUT IN THE PARKING LOT,

WE'RE TRYING TO START MY CAR.

MY CAR WON'T START, AS USUAL.

WE TRY TO START MY CAR. TRY TO START MY CAR...

I'M PRAYING TO GOD.

LOUIE'S IN THE BACK SEAT, BACK DOOR WIDE OPEN,

HE'S HANGING OUT THE BACK DOOR OF THE CAR,

HE'S GOING, ANGELA!

ANGELA--

I'M GOING, LOUIE, GET INSIDE THE CAR, MAN.

LOUIE, SHUT THE DOOR, SHUT THE DOOR.

AND THAT ANIMAL, THAT HELL'S ANGEL FUCK,

NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED TO HIM.

HE'S JUST SITTING THERE GOING...

STANDS UP, STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE CAR,

RIGHT THROUGH THE PLATE GLASS WINDOW

OF THE McDONALD'S.

WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO TAKE OFF,

GUY REACHES OUT, GRABS LOUIE'S LEG,

LOUIE GRABS ME AROUND THE NECK,

WE TAKE OFF DRAGGING THIS WHALE

ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT.

FRANKIE'S TRYING TO SCRAPE HIM OFF

ON CURBS AND CARS

AND THOSE McDONALD'S BUSHES THEY GOT EVERY PLACE.

NOTHING'S FUCKING WORKING.

I'M GOING, KICK THE GUY, DO SOMETHING, HIT HIM,

AND LOUIE...

I DON'T KNOW IF HE DID IT ON PURPOSE,

HE TURNS AROUND, PUKES ALL OVER THE GUY.

HE LET GO OF HIM THEN, MAN.

LOUIE PASSES OUT, FALLS IN THE BACK SEAT,

WE TAKE OFF LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL.

IT WAS FUCKING GREAT, JOEY.

SO FUCKING GREAT.

[APPLAUSE]

FUCK ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WAS REALLY GREAT, JOEY?

THE ICING ON THE GRAVY, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE DRIVING, A COUPLE OF MILES AWAY,

WE'RE SAFE NOW, ALL RIGHT?

FRANKIE'S DRIVING, WE'RE NOT GOING FAST.

DOING ABOUT 80, RIGHT?

FRANKIE'S ROLLING A J WITH ONE HAND,

DRIVING THE CAR,

ROLLS THE J, PASSES IT OVER TO ME.

I TAKES THE JOINT, I LIGHTS IT,

AND I GOES, FRANKIE,

WHAT'D YOU START ALL THAT STUFF FOR, MAN?

WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN KILLED BACK THERE.

KNOW WHAT HE SAYS TO ME?

HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME, MAN.

HE TAKES THE JOINT, HE'S STILL DRIVING,

AND HE GOES,

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SPIT IN THE DEVIL'S EYE

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALIVE.

RIGHT?

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT THAT.

HIT MY BRAIN LIKE A ROCK.

I LOOKS AT LOUIE IN THE BACK SEAT

PASSED OUT DREAMING OF TOWELS AND SHEETS,

I LOOKS AT FRANKIE DRINKING A BEER,

SMOKING A J, DRIVING A CAR

90 MILES AN HOUR WITH THE RADIO FULL BLAST,

I THINKS TO MYSELF, YEAH, MAN,

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

THIS GUY'S GOING TO LIVE UNTIL THE DAY HE DIES.

NO SURRENDER, MAN. NO FUCKING SURRENDER!

ROCK ON!

WE DROVE ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE BEACH,

WE MADE A FIRE DOWN ON THE BEACH THERE,

SMOKING THAT WHOLE HALF-POUND OF POT.

WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK.

JUST THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HE SAID

ALL NIGHT, MAN.

WE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LONG.

SMOKED THE WHOLE HALF-POUND OF POT.

THE SUN CAME UP, MAN,

AND I REALIZED SOMETHING, JOE.

I REALIZED SOMETHING IMPORTANT, MAN.

I LOOKED OUT AT THE WATER

AND I THOUGHT THERE'S A LOT OF WATER, MAN.

AND ALL THAT WATER IS MADE OF LITTLE DROPS.

AND I'M LIKE A LITTLE DROP OF WATER

IN THE WORLD, MAN.

SO I MIGHT AS WELL PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

I MIGHT AS WELL PARTY.

SUN COMES UP, RIGHT?

LOUIE WAKES UP IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR,

COMES STUMBLING DOWN TO THE BEACH.

HE'S GOING, I HAVE TO BE AT THE CHURCH AT 10 A.M.

HE'S GOT PUKE ALL OVER, WANTS TO GO TO CHURCH.

WE THROWS HIM IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR.

WE STARTS GOING DOWN TOWARDS THE CHURCH.

WE RUN OUT OF GAS A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.

HUH? OH, WE GOT THERE, WE GOT THERE.

A LITTLE LATE, AROUND 2:30 OR SO.

IT'S OK, THOUGH. LOUIE'S ALL RIGHT ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE HAVING THE WEDDING NEXT SATURDAY.

LOUIE'S GRANDMOTHER GOT ONE OF THOSE

LITTLE HEART ATTACKS THEY GET,

THOSE OLD LADIES GET.

OTHER THAN THAT, EVERYTHING'S COOL.

HEY, LISTEN, JOEY--

SHH, SHH-- DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT, OK,

ANOTHER SURPRISE PARTY FOR LOUIE, ALL RIGHT?

LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO COME, YOU SHOULD COME.

WAIT A SECOND.

OH...OH, SHIT.

LISTEN, JOEY, IF YOU WANT TO COME NEXT WEEK,

YOU SHOULD COME, MAN.

THIS TIME, NO GIRLS.

THEY CAUSE TOO MUCH FUCKING TROUBLE.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[APPLAUSE]

I-I-I-I-I DON'T LIKE TO COMPLAIN.

I'M A HAPPY GUY.

RUNS IN MY FAMILY, HAPPINESS.

NEVER BEEN SICK IN MY LIFE, NOT ONE DAY.

UNLESS YOU COUNT BROKEN BONES,

WHICH I DON'T.

I LIKE TO STAY ON

THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET.

I LIKE TO STAY ON THE POSITIVE SIDE OF THINGS.

YOU GIVE ME A PACK OF CIGARETTES,

EGG SALAD SANDWICH, CUP OF COFFEE,

NEWSPAPER, SOMEPLACE TO SIT DOWN,

I'M HAPPY.

I DON'T EVEN NEED THE CIGARETTES,

IT'S A DIRTY HABIT, UNHEALTHY, EXPENSIVE.

PEOPLE GIVE YOU CIGARETTES.

FOOD'S ANOTHER SUBJECT.

PEOPLE AREN'T WALKING AROUND WITH AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

IN THEIR BACK POCKET.

NOT UNLESS THEY'RE CRAZY.

YOU FIGURE EGG SALAD SANDWICH

GOING TO RUN YOU 80, 90 BOTTLES.

50 BOTTLES A DAY, SHORTFALL OF 20 BOTTLES.

OR CANS. BOTTLES OR CANS.

IT DON'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE.

I-I-IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.

BACK IN THE OLD DAYS

I USED TO WEIGH A LOT MORE THAN I DO NOW.

ALWAYS USED TO BE ON A DIET, TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM ANYMORE.

I'M ON THE EGG SALAD SANDWICH DIET NOW.

ONE EGG SALAD SANDWICH EVERY TWO DAYS,

YOU LOSE WEIGHT LIKE CRAZY.

IT FLIES OFF AND STAYS OFF, TOO.

I'M GOING TO GET A PATENT, AD IN THE NEWSPAPER,

THEN I COULD MAKE A LITTLE MONEY THERE.

BUT NEW-NEW-NEWSPAPER, PEOPLE LEAVE THEM AROUND.

YOU CAN READ THEM.

IT-IT-IT'S OK.

I LIKE TO STAY INFORMED, KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY GOT A TRAIN IN JAPAN

GOES OVER 300 MILES AN HOUR.

THEY GOT HOTELS NOW FOR COCKROACHES,

HOTELS NOW FOR MICE.

I-I-I-I STAY AWAY FROM HOTELS, THOUGH.

TOO EXPENSIVE, 10 BUCKS A NIGHT,

WHO'S GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY?

THAT'S 200 BOTTLES. NOT ON MY BUDGET.

IT'S OK, THOUGH.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEPLACE YOU CAN STAY.

SOMEPLACE YOU CAN WEDGE YOURSELF IN.

THE PROBLEM IS THE ROCKS, THE STONES.

EVERYTHING'S TOO HARD, THE STEEL, THE METAL.

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO WOOD?

WE USED TO MAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF WOOD.

BUILDINGS OUT OF WOOD, BENCHES OUT OF WOOD.

NO MORE.

[METAL RATTLES]

NO MORE.

EVERYTHING'S METAL THESE DAYS.

THERE'S NO MORE WOOD.

THEY CHOPPED DOWN ALL THE TREES.

NO MORE TREES, NO MORE WOOD.

I SAW A TREE.

I SAW A TREE.

THEY MADE A LITTLE HOLE IN THE SIDEWALK,

PUT A LITTLE BABY TREE THERE,

AND EVERY DAY I SAY HELLO TO THE TREE.

HELLO, TREE. EVERY DAY I COME BY,

WATCH IT GROWING.

THIS GUY WITH A TRUCK WAS BACKING IT UP,

MAKING THAT SOUND-- BAM-BAM-BAM--

WENT RIGHT OVER THE TREE.

SEE, TREE CAN'T HEAR THAT SOUND.

THAT WAS IT FOR THE TREE.

YOU RUN THEM OVER, THEY DIE.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE PEOPLE, CAN'T TAKE THE ABUSE.

PUT A METAL POLE THERE, YOU DON'T HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

TRUCK HITS THE POLE, IT STOPS.

THEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE TWIGS, THE LEAVES,

THE WOOD-- WOOD IS GOOD.

WOOD IS GOOD. DOGS LIKE WOOD.

I USED TO HAVE A DOG, WALK HIM EVERY DAY.

COME ON, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO, COME ON.

HERE WE GO. WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU?

WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU? I TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME

ON MY OLD AGE, HUH?

THAT'S WHAT I USED TO SAY TO HIM EVERY DAY.

WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME?

HE RAN AWAY, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S OK. THEY GOT TO EAT, TOO.

WE ALL GOT TO EAT. I LIKE TO EAT.

HABIT OF MINE.

NICE LITTLE EGG SALAD SANDWICH THERE.

NICE CUP OF COFFEE.

CREAM, SUGAR...

I'M CUTTING DOWN ON THE COFFEE THESE DAYS.

60 CENTS A CUP. WHO THOUGHT UP THAT FIGURE?

IT SHOULD BE 10 CENTS A CUP.

THEY GOT A CARTEL,

THEY GOT ALL THE BEANS IN THE OPECS, THERE.

THEY GOT THE BEANS.

IT'S THE BEANS, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S OK, THOUGH. I DON'T NEED COFFEE.

PEOPLE DRINK COFFEE TO STAY AWAKE.

I DON'T NEED TO STAY AWAKE. I'M AWAKE!

WHEN I'M ASLEEP, I'M AWAKE. I'M ALWAYS AWAKE.

YOU LIE DOWN SOMEPLACE, YOU GOT TO STAY AWAKE.

YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN,

GUY COMES BY WITH A BASEBALL BAT,

BANG, BANG, BANG, THAT'S IT, YOU'RE FINISHED.

NO MORE CIGARETTES, NO MORE COFFEE,

NO MORE SHOES. THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD.

THESE GUYS IN THE STREET, THEY LIKE TO FIGHT.

I DON'T GOT THAT LUXURY.

I'M MISSING A KNEECAP, CAN'T HEAR OUT OF THIS EAR,

I'M ON MY SECOND SET OF TEETH.

I'M LIKE THE BIONIC MAN WITHOUT THE HARDWARE.

I'M NO CASSIUS CLAY.

I'M NO CASSIUS CLAY...

BUT I-I-I-I LIKE TO STAY ON THE SUNNY SIDE

OF THE STREET.

I LIKE TO STAY POSITIVE.

GUY ONCE SAID TO ME-- NEVER FORGET IT--

LIFE IS LIKE A HALF A GLASS OF WATER.

IT'S LIKE A HALF A GLASS OF WATER THERE, SEE?

YOU GOT A HALF A GLASS OF WATER THERE,

AND, UH...

YOU GOT A HALF A GLASS OF WATER THERE.

AND, UM...

Y-Y-Y-YOU SHOULD DRINK THAT WATER,

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

NO, HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

HE SAID HALF A GLASS OF WATER

IS BETTER THAN NO WATER AT ALL.

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

I LOOK AT IT THIS WAY--

I COULD BE LIVING IN ETHIOPIA.

THEY GOT IT TERRIBLE OVER THERE.

THOSE POOR PEOPLE SIT IN THE DIRT ALL DAY LONG

AND THEY GOT NOTHING TO EAT,

AND IT'S TOO SUNNY AND THE SAND ALL OVER--

IT'S NOT FOR ME. IT'S NOT MY BAG.

IT'S BETTER HERE.

IT'S GOOD HERE. IT'S GOOD.

THANK GOD, THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

THANK GOD.

I GOT TO GET GOING NOW. TIME TO GO TO WORK.

THE EARLY BIRD CATCHES THE CAN,

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

OR BOTTLES. BOTTLES OR CANS.

IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.

IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.

IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL.

[APPLAUSE]

FRANK, WHAT DID HE SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?

IS HE GONNA SUE ME? HE'S GONNA SUE ME?

DOES HE KNOW WHO HE'S FUCKING HERE, FRANK?

HE'S FUCKING WITH GOD HERE, FRANK.

DID YOU TELL HIM THAT?

DOES HE KNOW WHAT GOD DOES WHEN IT GETS ANGRY, FRANK?

HAVE YOU HEARD OF SODOM AND GOMORRAH, FRANK?

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO TO HIS FACE, OK?

FRANK, FRANK, FRANK.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, ALL RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD.

I'M GONNA BLOW HIM AWAY.

I'M GONNA PEEL HIS SKIN OFF.

I'M GONNA DRINK HIS BLOOD.

I'M GONNA EAT HIS CHILDREN, FRANK.

AND I'M GONNA ENJOY MYSELF.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

THE GUY'S A SCHMUCK, A SCHLMIEL AND A SHITHEAD

FOR FUCKING WITH ME, FRANK.

HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.

NO, NO. FRANK, FRANK. I'M NOT LISTENING.

I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANOTHER WORD.

NO, NO, NO. FRANK, FRANK.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA

I'M NOT LISTENING, FRANK.

CALL HIM BACK RIGHT NOW.

CALL HIM AND TELL HIM, DON'T EVEN CALL HIM.

CALL HIS CHILDREN.

TELL THEM THEY'RE GONNA BE EATEN.

GOOD BYE, FRANK.

DIANE!

WHO'S ON LINE 1?

MY WIFE? PUT HER ON HOLD.

WHAT'S FOR LUNCH? I'M STARVING TO DEATH.

I DON'T CARE, DIANE. ANYTHING.

I DON'T CARE, DIANE,

ANYTHING. I AM STARVING TO DEATH.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I DON'T WANT THAT EITHER.

NO. NO MONK FISH.

NO MONK FISH, NO ARUGULA,

NO SUNDRIED TOMATOES.

NO HOLY TORTELLINI.

I WANT FOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT FOOD IS, DIANE?

YOU EVER HEAR OF IT BEFORE?

UNLIKE YOU, DIANE, I AM A HUMAN BEING.

I NEED FOOD, I NEED COFFEE.

PLEASE GET ME SOME.

CALL JEFF CAVANAUGH, PUT HIM ON LINE 2.

CALL DAVE SIMPSON PUT HIM ON LINE 3.

THANK YOU.

HI, HONEY.

I KNOW, I TELL HER TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

DON'T PUT MY WIFE ON HOLD. SHE PUTS YOU ON HOLD.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT'D YOU DO TODAY?

THAT'S NICE. HOW MUCH DID THAT COST?

NO, NO. SPEND THE MONEY.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.

HOW'S JEREMY?

WHY'D HE DO THAT?

WHY DID HE BITE THE KID, SONYA?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I TOLD HIM?

I DID NOT TELL HIM TO BITE ANYBODY.

I DID NOT TELL HIM--

SONYA, DON'T TELL ME WHAT I TELL HIM, ALL RIGHT?

I TOLD HIM-- CAN I TALK HERE PLEASE?

I TOLD HIM, THE NEXT TIME A LITTLE BOY

DOES SOMETHING TO YOU,

DO TWICE AS MUCH BACK TO HIM.

THAT IS WHAT I SAID.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HIS THERAPIST SAYS.

HIS THERAPIST IS A CO-DEPENDENT,

DYSFUNCTIONAL FRAUD.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS THERAPIST.

NO, NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA SAY TO JEREMY?

I'M GONNA SAY, JEREMY, BITE YOUR THERAPIST.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.

SHE CAN WORK ON THAT FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

WHAT ELSE?

HOW'D SHE DO THAT?

HOW'D SHE FIT IT IN THE MICROWAVE, SONYA?

WHAT IS THIS, 3 MICROWAVES

WE'VE BROKEN IN THE LAST YEAR?

NO, NO, NO.

IF YOU JUST HIRED SOMEBODY FROM A COUNTRY

WHERE THEY HAD ELECTRICITY,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE THESE PROBLEMS ALL THE TIME.

YOU HAVE TO TELL HER, THAT'S ALL.

TURN IT ON, PLUG IT IN THE WALL--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'LL QUIT?

SHE WON'T QUIT.

SHE HAS IT GREAT. SHE HAS IT GREAT, SONYA.

SHE SPENDS ALL DAY

IN A LUXURY NEW YORK APARTMENT.

I SPEND ALL DAY IN THIS OFFICE

KILLING MYSELF SO SHE CAN SPEND ALL DAY

IN MY LUXURY NEW YORK APARTMENT.

SHE SPENDS MORE TIME THERE THAN I DO!

I'M NOT SHOUTING.

THIS IS NOT SHOUTING. AM I SHOUTING?

IS THIS SHOUTING. AM I SHOUTING?

I AM NOT SHOUTING. THIS IS NOT SHOUTING.

I AM DISCUSSING.

WE ARE HAVING A NORMAL DISCUSSION.

TWO NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS

ARE HAVING A NORMAL CONVERSATION.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE TOO AGITATED

RIGHT NOW TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.

WHY DON'T WE WAIT UNTIL I GET HOME

WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT THEN.

AROUND 9:00.

I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

SONYA, DO YOU THINK I LIKE

SLAVING AND SWEATING HERE

ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT AND DAY

SO YOU AND JEREMY CAN BE SAFE AND FREE?

DO YOU?

IT HASN'T BEEN TWO WEEKS.

IT HASN'T BEEN TWO WEEKS. WE JUST DID IT.

WE DID IT-- WE DID IT JUST RECENTLY.

I KNOW WE DID.

WE'LL HAVE SEX TOMORROW NIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

I WON'T FORGET. I'LL PUT IT IN MY BOOK.

LISTEN, LISTEN, HONEY.

NEXT MONTH, WE'LL GO DOWN TO ST. BARTS

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WE'LL SPEND A COUPLE OF WEEKS ON THE BEACH.

WE'LL GET A NICE PLACE BY THE BEACH.

WE'LL MAKE LOVE EVERY DAY ON THE BEACH.

ALL RIGHT?

YOU WON'T GET SAND IN YOUR CROTCH.

WILL YOU STOP IT, PLEASE?

LISTEN, I HAVE TO GET OFF THE PHONE.

I HAVE 15 MILLION PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.

HUH?

NO. DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR.

NO, NO. DON'T COLOR YOUR HAIR.

DON'T START WITH THE HAIR BLACKMAIL NOW.

SONYA, COME ON.

I HAVE TOO MANY THINGS TO DO HERE.

I LIKE IT THE WAY--

THE WAY YOU LOOKED THIS MORNING WHEN I LEFT,

THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST LIKE THAT.

WHEN I COME HOME TONIGHT,

THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD LOOK, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GETTING OFF THE PHONE.

GIVE JEREMY A KISS GOOD NIGHT FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT. SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER FOR ME TOO.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT?

ORANGE JUICE. I WON'T FORGET.

I DON'T HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN.

I CAN REMEMBER ORANGE JUICE. I'M NOT A MORON.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

NIGHTY NIGHT.

I'LL BE HOME AROUND 10:30.

BYE.

DIANE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

GROWING THE CROPS OR WHAT? COME ON, LET'S GO.

I FEEL LIKE A POSTER CHILD

FOR ETHIOPIAN RELIEF HERE.

MY RIBS ARE STICKING OUT.

I GOT FLIES GROWING ON MY FACE.

COME ON, LET'S GO. LET'S MOVE IT.

JEFF.

HOW THEY HANGING, MAN?

NOT BAD.

YES.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I FINISHED THAT DEAL UP THIS MORNING.

I DON'T KNOW, I MADE ABOUT

85 GRAND IN THE DEAL, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

DIG THIS, MAN.

I MADE A DEAL THIS AFTERNOON,

I MADE 150 GRAND, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

100 GRAND HERE, 100 GRAND THERE,

PRETTY SOON YOU'RE TALKING REAL MONEY.

THEY HAVE TO PAY ME, MAN.

THEY HAVE TO PAY ME.

THEY DON'T PAY ME, I GO NEXT DOOR,

I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH.

IT'S LIKE BRUCE SAYS, MAN.

"NO SURRENDER, NO RETURN."

ROCK ON, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE I'D BUY A PORSCHE

FOR THE COUNTRY HOUSE.

PARK IN FRONT OF THE TENNIS COURT.

PISS OFF THE NEIGHBORS.

NOT EVEN DRIVE IT.

JUST LEAVE IT THERE ALL THE TIME.

NO, I CAN'T DRIVE IT. I DON'T DRIVE A STICK.

THOSE ARE GOOD. WHAT IS THAT?

RANGE ROVERS, THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE 4-WHEEL DRIVES?

VERY ECOLOGICAL, RIGHT?

YEAH, MAYBE I'LL GET ONE OF THOSE.

MAYBE I'LL GET TWO OF THOSE, WHATEVER.

NO, I CAN'T. NOT TONIGHT.

I'M DOING SOMETHING.

WHO AM I DOING? I'M NOT TELLING YOU.

IF I TELL YOU, YOU'RE GONNA TELL NADINE,

SHE'S GONNA TELL SONYA.

VERY BEAUTIFUL.

BETTER.

BETTER THAN HER.

BETTER THAN HER.

YES, SHE HAS LEGS.

YES, SHE HAS BREASTS.

SHE HAS ARMS, SHE HAS A HEAD.

I GOT THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

JEFF, THE CLOSEST YOU CAME

TO A WOMAN THIS BEAUTIFUL IS THAT TIME YOU BOUGHT

THAT SCRATCH AND SNIFF PICTURE

OF VANNA WHITE.

[CHUCKLING]

AND DIG THIS, MAN, SHE'S AN ARTIST.

SHE'S VERY, VERY SENSITIVE.

SHE WAS IN A BAR, SHE PICKED ME UP.

HOW COULD I SAY NO?

JEFF, UNLIKE YOU,

I AM STILL COMMITTED TO MY SIXTIES IDEALISM.

I AM STILL COMMITTED TO EXPERIENCE

AND EXPLORATION.

I DIDN'T SELL OUT THE WAY YOU DID, MAN.

I'M STILL COMMITTED TO THESE THINGS

AS A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE GET TOGETHER TOMORROW NIGHT

OVER AT MY CLUB.

PLAY A LITTLE HANDBALL OVER AT THE CLUB.

HAVE A COUPLE OF POPS AFTERWARDS, OK?

NO, MY CLUB, MY CLUB.

MY CLUB IS NICER THAN YOUR CLUB.

IT'S SAFER, IT'S CLEANER.

THEY DON'T LET THOSE WEIRD PEOPLE IN

THAT THEY LET IN OVER YOUR PLACE.

I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK, JEFF.

I GOTTA MAKE A LITTLE MONEY HERE.

UNLIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHING]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I AM A GENIUS. I AM THE BEST.

NO ONE CAN GET CLOSE TO ME.

I'LL LET YOU GET CLOSE TO ME, JEFF.

YOU CAN BLOW ME. BYE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

YEAH, DAVE. YEAH, DAVE.

YEAH, DAVE, DAVE,

I AGREE WITH YOU 150 PERCENT.

THE MAN IS A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.

I LOVE HIM.

HE'S A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MAN.

I FELT TERRIBLE HAVING TO LET HIM GO.

I KNOW HE HAS HIS PENSION COMING UP, DAVE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

I KNOW HE'S LOSING HIS PENSION,

I KNOW HE'S 58 YEARS OLD.

YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING

I DON'T KNOW HERE, DAVE.

BUT DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

SOMETHING YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT HIM AND ME,

IS THAT WHEN I FIRST CAME TO WORK AT THIS COMPANY,

THIS GUY WAS LIKE A FATHER TO ME, ALL RIGHT?

I LOVED THIS MAN LIKE MY OWN FATHER.

I LOVE HIM.

IT BROKE MY HEART TO HAVE TO LET HIM GO, DAVE.

I KNOW HE'S GOING FOR MAJOR SURGERY NEXT WEEK.

I'M NOT HIS DOCTOR, DAVE. I'M HIS BOSS.

NO, NO, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

YOU'RE MISSING SOMETHING HERE.

DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

THE GUY IS NOT PRODUCING ANYMORE.

HE'S EASY LISTENING.

THIS PLACE IS ROCK 'N ROLL.

I NEED PRODUCTION.

I NEED PROFITS HERE, DAVE.

NO, NO, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

NO, NO. NO. YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND.

YOU'VE BEEN TALKING NON STOP FOR 5 MINUTES.

LET ME GET IN TWO WORDS EDGEWISE HERE PLEASE.

NOW LET ME JUST ASK YOU SOMETHING HERE, DAVE.

JUST ONE SIMPLE, SIMPLE QUESTION.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY, DAVE?

I JUST WANT TO KNOW.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY?

YOU DO. OK.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW SWIMMING POOL YOU JUST GOT?

YOU DO? OK.

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW MERCEDES STATION WAGON?

YOU DO? OK. ALL RIGHT.

YOU LIKE THAT NEW HORSE SCHOOL

YOU SEND YOUR DAUGHTER TO?

YOU LIKE YOUR NEW CAR PHONE?

YOU LIKE LONG LUNCHES, DAVE?

DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAVE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR THOSE THINGS, DAVE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK PAYS FOR THOSE THINGS?

PROFITS, DAVE. SAY PROFITS.

I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY PROFITS.

JUST SAY IT.

SAY IT!

THANK YOU.

NOW WHEN THE PROFIT AXE COMES DOWN, DAVE,

ANYBODY'S HEAD COULD ROLL.

I COULD LOSE MY JOB TOMORROW.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB TOMORROW.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB TODAY.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES

BECAUSE OF THIS STUPID CONVERSATION.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, DAVE,

I WANT TO GET RID OF THE GUY EVEN MORE NOW.

NOW HE'S WASTING HIS TIME.

HE SITS AROUND WASTING TIME, HE'S WASTING YOUR TIME.

ALL YOU GUYS SIT AROUND WASTING TIME,

YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME.

AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN THIS COMPANY

ARE WASTING TIME, SO WHAT'S THE POINT, DAVE?

WHAT IS THE POINT?

WHAT IS THE FUNNY, GODDAMN POINT?

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCKING

GODDAMN POINT IS PLEASE?

DAVE!

YOU'RE NOT SURE?

WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS, DAVE.

OUT OF MY OWN CURIOSITY, I WANT TO KNOW.

ARE YOU HAPPY HERE WORKING AT THIS COMPANY?

I JUST WONDERED.

YOU SPEND ALL DAY MAKING CRAZY PHONE CALLS,

AND YOU'RE NOT WORKING.

ARE YOU HAPPY HERE WORKING WITH US

AT THIS COMPANY?

YOU ARE.

WELL, I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY, DAVE.

SO GET BACK TO WORK, ALL RIGHT?

OK.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

OK. I CAN DIG IT, MAN. OK.

ALL RIGHT. NO, NO, NO.

IT'S FORGOTTEN. IT'S FORGOTTEN.

I HOLD NO GRUDGES, ALL RIGHT?

OK. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH. I WILL, I WILL.

YOU SAY HI TO JODY FOR ME.

JUDY, RIGHT. JUDY. SAY HI TO JUDY FOR ME.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

OK. BYE BYE.

DIANE. LET ME MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU.

TAKE YOUR HAND, PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE OVEN,

GRILL IT, BRING IT IN TO ME.

WHO'S ON LINE 4?

I GOT IT.

HI, THERE.

NOTHING.

MAKING MONEY. WHAT ELSE DO I DO?

YEAH.

I'M WORKING VERY, VERY HARD.

NOW THAT YOU CALLED,

IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE MAKING A SCULPTURE?

YEAH?

YOU'RE WORKING IN YOUR STUDIO. YEAH.

WHAT KIND OF SCULPTURE YOU MAKING?

YOU'RE MAKING A SCULPTURE OF A HORSE,

AND YOU WROTE THE WORD HORSE ALL OVER IT?

THAT'S VERY CONCEPTUAL, YVETTE.

HMM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I SOUND BORED?

I'M NOT BORED AT ALL.

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT YOUR ART, YVETTE.

YVETTE, I LOVE TALKING ABOUT--

I WAS JUST TELLING SOMEBODY 5 MINUTES AGO

WHAT A WONDERFUL ART YOU HAVE.

YVETTE? YVETTE, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

IF YOU WERE 100 YEARS OLD,

AND YOU WERE AS UGLY AS A CLOCK,

I WOULD STILL LOVE YOU, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOUR ART, THAT'S WHY.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

YOU SAY THESE THINGS TO ME,

AND YOU GET ME ALL UPSET.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO COME OVER THERE LATER ON.

I'M GONNA BE ALL FULL OF THESE WEIRD FEELINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I MET HAVE TO LIKE,

GIVE YOU A NICE LITTLE SPANKING ON YOUR BOTTOM.

OH, YEAH?

WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA DO?

ALL OVER MY BODY?

OOH, THAT WOULD HURT.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS ATTENTION?

I AM A PRETTY NICE GUY, AREN'T I?

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, YVETTE.

YVETTE, WHEN I SAY FROM ME TO YOU,

I LOVE YOU, I MEAN I LOVE YOU.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS

TO SAY I LOVE YOU

THE WAY THAT I MEAN I LOVE YOU,

WHEN I SAY, FROM ME TO YOU, I LOVE YOU.

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THE WORLD

HAS EVER LOVED THE WAY THAT I'M LOVING

WHEN I LOVE YOU.

MY LIFE WOULD HAVE NO MEANING

IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT.

OF COURSE, I MEAN IT. WOULD I LIE TO YOU?

LISTEN, YVETTE, MY BOSS

JUST CAME RUNNING IN THE OFFICE.

HE'S GOT A BIG BUNCH OF PAPERS.

YELLING AT ME, EVERYTHING'S CRAZY HERE.

WHEN AM I GONNA SEE YOU, AROUND 6:00 TONIGHT?

OVER AT THE LOFT?

OK. MAKE A BIG BUNCH OF SCULPTURES FOR ME.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT. CIAO TO YOU TOO.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

[SMOOCHING SOUNDS]

DIANE! CUT THE FOOD,, CUT THE COFFEE.

BRING IN MAALOX AND A SHOESHINE BOY.

HOLD MY CALLS. THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

JERRY?

JERRY, I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

I'M OUT IN THE BACKYARD HERE.

COME OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

OH...

EVERY TIME I HAVE THE FRIED CALAMARI

WITH THE HOT SAUCE,

I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA BLOW UP.

OH...

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OLYMPIC SIZE. OLYMPIC SIZE.

I SAYS TO THE GUY WHO SELLS THE POOLS,

I SAYS GIVE ME THE BIGGEST, THE BEST POOL YOU GOT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT COSTS.

I GOT A MOTTO, JIMMY. VERY SIMPLE.

TAKE CARE OF LUXURIES,

THE NECESSITIES TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN THIS LIFE.

YOU GOTTA GRAB ALL THE GUSTO YOU CAN.

HUH?

I DON'T KNOW.

HUNDRED GRAND MAYBE.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

IT'S LIKE WHEN I WAS BUYING ME A BMW.

I COULD'VE BOUGHT A 750,

OR I COULD'VE SAVED A LITTLE MONEY

AND BOUGHT A 535.

BUT I THINKS TO MYSELF, I BUY A 535,

I'M OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY SOMEPLACE,

750 PASSES ME,

I'M GONNA GET PISSED OFF.

ANOTHER 800 OR 900 BUCKS A MONTH,

WHY WASTE THE AGGRAVATION?

BUY THE 750.

YOU SHOULD GET YOURSELF A BMW, JIMMY.

THROW AWAY THAT SHITBOX YOU DRIVE AROUND IN.

EMBARRASSING.

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT?

OF COURSE YOU CAN AFFORD IT.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU, JIMMY?

AND I'M JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL HERE.

YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP.

THE ONLY THING STOPPING YOU

FROM HAVING THE CAR OF YOUR DREAMS,

IS FEAR.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO HAVE, YOU'RE AFRAID TO OWN.

YOU'RE AFRAID TO LIVE.

HOW MUCH YOU MAKING NOW A YEAR?

19 GRAND A YEAR?

22 GRAND A YEAR?

GO GET YOURSELF A BMW. COME ON.

YOU GOTTA LIVE, JIMMY. YOU GOTTA LIVE.

YOU DON'T LIVE, YOU'RE DEAD.

THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT.

LIVING.

I WANT TO BUY SOMETHING, I BUY IT.

I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE, I GO THERE.

SEE THIS CIGAR HERE?

THIS IS A HAVANA CIGAR.

WHY DO I SMOKE HAVANA CIGARS?

BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST CIGAR, THAT'S WHY.

I COULD SMOKE SOMETHING ELSE.

I COULD SAVE MYSELF 15 BUCKS A POP.

I COULD SMOKE SOMETHING ELSE.

WHY SHOULD I? WHY SHOULD I?

SO SOMEBODY ELSE CAN SMOKE THIS CIGAR?

FUCK HIM. IT'S MY CIGAR.

I'M SMOKING IT.

IT'S MY LIFE, IT'S MY CIGAR.

I EXERCISE NOW.

I'M ALIVE.

I COME OUT HERE EVERY MORNING.

WE GOT THE NICE SWIMMING POOL HERE.

I CAME OUT EVERY MORNING. 7 AM.

I JUMP IN THE POOL. I SWIM A WHOLE LAP.

THEN I COME BACK IN THE HOUSE.

I HAVE A NICE BREAKFAST.

I HAVE A HEALTHY BREAKFAST.

THAT, UM... THOSE OAT BRAN MUFFINS.

I HAVE 5 OR 6 OAT BRAN MUFFINS.

SCRAMBLED EGGS, BACON, SAUSAGE.

NICE POT OF BLACK COFFEE.

I'M ALIVE, JIMMY. I'M ALIVE.

I'M 51 YEARS OLD.

I STILL MAKE LOVE TO MY WIFE

LIKE IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

I KNOW GUYS 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY GOT A DICK.

THEY'RE IN THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING.

SUDSING THEMSELVES UP.

♪ LA LA LA LA LA

OH!

WHAT'S THAT?

THEY THINK IT'S A GROWTH

STICKING OUT OF THEIR BODY THERE.

SEE OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S A GAZEBO.

GUY THAT SOLD ME THE POOL,

HE SAYS, YOU GOTTA HAVE A GAZEBO

IF YOU GET A SWIMMING POOL.

THAT'S THE BEST ONE THEY MAKE.

COST ME $6500.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SEE, JIMMY...

PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'M SAYING HERE.

VITO SCIPOLETTI.

VITO SCIPOLETTI. HE NEVER DID NOTHING IN HIS LIFE.

HE NEVER SMOKED. HE NEVER DRANK.

HE NEVER CHASED SKIRTS. HE NEVER GAMBLED.

HE NEVER WALKED WHEN IT SAYS DON'T WALK.

YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS TODAY

WITH ALL HIS MONEY IN THE BANK?

HE'S THE GUY YOU SEE

STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OLD CANDY STORE.

FROM 9:00 IN THE MORNING TILL 9:00 AT NIGHT,

READING THE NEWSPAPER.

HE LIVED HIS LIFE SO GOOD, HE FORGOT TO LIVE.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING LIKE THAT?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

JIMMY, THEY TELL YOU,

CIGARS TAKE 3 YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT 3 YEARS? WHAT 3 YEARS?

'86 - '89?

WHO NEEDS THEM? GIVE ME THE CIGARS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH...

I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD

THAT SECOND PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.

OH...

SEE, JIMMY, THERE'S PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD

STARVING TO DEATH.

IN AFRICA, IN ASIA, ARMENIA.

THEY JUST SIT IN THE DIRT ALL DAY LONG.

THEY GOT NOTHING.

THEY DON'T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THOSE PEOPLE DO ALL DAY LONG

WHEN THEY'RE SITTING THERE?

THEY DREAM.

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO LIVE IN AMERICA.

HAVE A HOUSE, HAVE A CAR.

HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.

I CAN'T LET THOSE POOR PEOPLE DOWN, JIMMY.

I'M HERE, I'M LIVING IT.

I MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT.

I REMEMBERING READING A MAGAZINE

ABOUT A RESORT IN HAWAII

WHERE YOU CAN SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS.

BANGO, I'M THERE.

THEY MAKE A NEW CASINO DOWN IN ATLANTIC CITY,

I'M THERE THE FIRST DAY IT OPENS.

THEY MAKE A NEW TV SET

10 FEET WIDE, 2 STORIES HIGH,

I BUY IT.

'CAUSE I'M ALIVE, JIMMY. I'M ALIVE.

IT'S MY LIFE.

I DON'T LIVE IT, WHO'S GONNA?

I'M GONNA LIVE UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

THEN I CAN REST.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED, JIMMY?

YOU NEED TO SWIM IN MY NEW SWIMMING POOL HERE.

COME ON, PUT ON YOUR TRUNKS,

AND JUMP IN THE WATER. GO GET YOUR TRUNKS.

COME ON. SNAP OUT OF IT.

JUMP IN THIS WATER, JIMMY.

THIS WATER'S NOT COLD.

THIS WATER'S NOT COLD.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

[APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO BE NORMAL

JUST TO GET RID OF THE GUY.

DON'T LEAVE ME OUT. COME ON.

GOTTA BE MORE TO LIFE

THAN WORRYING ABOUT THE PRICE OF CIGARETTES.

WHAT'S ON TV. GETTING A JOB.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT NORMALCY.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT NORMALCY.

I WANT TO DRIVE A STATION WAGON

WITH A BUNCH OF KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT

SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS.

I WANT TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET

AND COMPARE PRICES.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT WHILE I SLEEP.

I WANNA BUY LIFE INSURANCE.

I WANT TO WEAR PAJAMAS AND A BATHROBE.

SNEAK INTO THE KITCHEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

STEAL A DRUMSTICK.

HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH MY DOG

ABOUT HIS NUTRITION.

MAYBE JUST ORDER SOMETHING FROM THE LL BEAN CATALOGUE.

NICE DOWN PARKA MAYBE. FLANNEL SHIRT.

SOMETHING IN CORDUROY.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT NORMALCY.

DON'T TELL ME ABOUT NORMALCY.

I WANT TO YELL AT MY WIFE

FOR GOING ON A SPENDING SPREE.

I WANT TO HELP MY KIDS WITH THEIR GRADES.

I WANT TO ORDER MY HAMBURGER MY WAY.

I WANT TO DONATE MONEY TO IMPOVERISHED MINORITIES.

IT'S GONNA COST MONEY YOU KNOW.

BEING NORMAL IS EXPENSIVE.

THERE WAS THIS RAT

SCRATCHING OUTSIDE MY WALL THE OTHER NIGHT.

IT WAS LIKE THE SCRATCHING INSIDE MY HEAD.

AND I SAID, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT ONE MINUTE.

I'M WHITE, I'M AMERICAN, I'M MALE.

I SHOULD BE DOING BETTER THAN THIS.

OZZIE AND HARRIET DIDN'T HAVE RATS IN THE WALL.

THERE WERE NO ROACHES IN THE BEAVER'S ROOM.

EVEN MR. ED HAD HEAT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

RAT KEPT SCRATCHING, AND I REALIZED SOMETHING.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

IT'S A RACE TO THE DEATH NOW.

ANYONE WAITING AROUND

FOR THE GOOD TIMES TO COME IS A FOOL.

ANYONE THAT THINKS PLAYING FAIR

WILL GET YOU ANYWHERE IS BLIND.

SO SAY, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

YOU'RE GETTING ALL EXCITED ABOUT NOTHING.

SURE YOU'RE POOR. YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

YOU HAVE AN ARTISTIC SENSIBILITY.

ARTISTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE POOR.

THE RAT SCRATCH VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD

SAID, FUCK THAT.

I WANT TO BE RICH, I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,

THESE ARE NORMAL DESIRES

WHICH SHOULD NOT BE THWARTED.

IF YOU THWART THEM, IF YOU REPRESS THEM,

YOU GET CANCER.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

SHIT, MAN. LOOK AT ME. FAME IS WHAT COUNTS.

FAME WITH MONEY.

ANY JERK CAN GO TO THE TOP OF SOME TOWER

WITH A SCOPE RIFLE

AND START SHOOTING AT PEOPLE.

THAT'S SHITTY FAME. I WANT THE GOOD KIND.

THE KIND WITH LOTS OF MONEY.

ANY SLOB CAN WIN THE LOTTERY.

IT TAKES SKILL AND BRAINS TO GET THE FAME

AND THE MONEY AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S SUCCESS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHEN PEOPLE STOP, THEY LOOK AT YOU,

THEY POINT AT YOU AND SAY, SEE THAT GUY?

LOOK AT HIM, ADMIRE HIM, AND GIVE HIM THEIR MONEY

AT THE SAME TIME.

I HEARD THAT THIS ONE GUY MADE OVER $400 MILLION.

$400 MILLION. THINK OF IT.

I'D BE HAPPY WITH $40 MILLION.

PEOPLE WOULD THINK I WAS JUST AS SUCCESSFUL

AS THAT OTHER GUY.

I WOULDN'T EVEN CARE WHAT THEY THOUGHT.

I WOULDN'T TELL THEM HOW MUCH MONEY I HAD.

I'D RIDE AROUND IN A STRETCH LIMOUSINE.

AND I'D HAVE A GREAT BIG GIANT HOUSE.

I'D STAY IN IT ALL THE TIME.

I'D HAVE A DARK ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOUSE

WITH A BIG TRENCH AROUND IT FILLED WITH PIT BULLS.

A TV SET WITH REMOTE CONTROL,

A CHAIR THAT TILTED BACK

AND A BIG BOWL OF POTATO CHIPS.

I'D JUST STAY THERE ALL THE TIME AND WATCH TV.

OR MAYBE I'LL HAVE A BIG BATHTUB,

AND I'LL FILL IT WITH BUBBLE BATH.

AND I'D STAY IN IT ALL DAY

LIKE AL PACINO IN SCARFACE,

AND SMOKE CIGARS.

BUT NO SEX.

AND NO DRUGS. TOO DANGEROUS.

GIVE THE MONEY, THE FOOD, THE TV SETS,

AND A GUN SO I CAN SHOOT THE TV SET

WHEN SOMEBODY COMES ON I DON'T LIKE.

I HATE PEOPLE THAT GET IN THE WAY

OF A GOOD TIME.

JUST WHEN EVERYTHING'S GETTING GOOD,

THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM YOU.

AND I WANT YOU ALL TO LOVE ME.

EVEN THOUGH I HATE ALL OF YOU.

JUST TO CONFIRM MY DEEP SEATED FEELINGS

ARE ALL SCUM COMPARED TO MY BENEFICENCE.

JUST JOKING, JUST JOKING.

DON'T GET ALL EXCITED.

IF YOU GET EXCITED, JUST LOVE ME.

TELL ME I'M GREAT AND PAY ME,

AND THEN WE'LL BE EVEN

FOR ALL THE SHIT YOU GAVE ME

IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING.

WHAT A JERK.

ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOUT HIMSELF.

YEAH? WHAT DO YOU DO?

LISTEN.

I WAS WRONG WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

I NEVER REALLY GOT WHAT I WANTED.

YOU GOT IN THE WAY.

NOW IT'S TIME TO EVEN THE SCORE.

EVEN IF I TELL YOU MY PLANS,

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO STOP ME.

SO RICH AND POWERFUL, NOBODY WILL TOUCH ME.

THOSE RICH FUCKS WHO LORDED OVER ME.

THOSE MUSCULAR JOCKS

WHO KEEP SAYING TO MY FACE.

ALL THOSE BIG BOOBED BLONDIES WHO LAUGHED AT ME

WHEN I ASKED THEM FOR DATES.

ALL THOSE PARSIMONIOUS, PATERNAL, PATRONIZING

ADMINISTRATORS AT SCHOOL

AND THE IRS, AND THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE,

YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE REALLY, REALLY RICH?

YOU GO IN THE STORE,

AND THE JERK BEHIND THE COUNTER

STARTS SMIRKING AT YOU

BECAUSE HE THINKS YOU CAN'T AFFORD

THE MOST EXPENSIVE WATCH IN THE CASE.

YOU KNOW THAT LOOK THEY GIVE YOU?

THEY HUMOR YOU.

"YES, SIR, MAY I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?"

DOESN'T WANT TO HELP ME.

DOESN'T WANT TO HELP ANYBODY.

JUST WANTS TO LAUGH AT ME AFTER I'M GONE.

WON'T SHOW ME THE WATCH.

WON'T TAKE IT OUT OF THE CASE.

WON'T EVEN TELL ME THE PRICE WHEN I MAKE IT,

YOU CAN HELP ME.

SO I'M GONNA COME BACK TO YOUR STORE.

I'M NOT GONNA BUY ONE OF THOSE WATCHES.

I'M NOT GONNA BUY 10 OF YOUR WATCHES.

I'M GONNA BUY THE WHOLE STORE,

AND I'M GONNA FIRE YOUR SKINNY ASS

FOR LAUGHING AT ME.

I'M GONNA FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE.

I'M GONNA BUY YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING.

HAVE YOU EVICTED.

YOU'LL BE ONE MORE PATHETIC HOMELESS PERSON

WANDERING THE STREETS

IN A STATE OF PERMANENT DEPRESSION.

OR THOSE THUGS WHO PUSH INTO YOU

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE STREET.

THEY PUSH INTO YOU, DON'T SAY THEY'RE SORRY,

OR NOTHING. WHY?

BECAUSE THEY THINK I'M AFRAID OF THEM.

THEY THINK I WON'T FIGHT BACK.

WHEN I MAKE IT, I'LL GET SOME BODYGUARDS.

THEY'RE GONNA FOLLOW ME AROUND.

SOMEBODY PUSHES INTO ME, I'LL STEP ASIDE,

THERE WILL BE MY BOY WITH THE SOCK OF MARBLES

OR THE STRAIGHT RAZOR, OR THE 38.

THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.

THEY'LL BE ON THE GROUND BLEEDING

WITH THE GLAZED EYES.

I'LL JUST LEAN OVER THEM, AND I'LL GO,

EXCUSE ME.

[LAUGHING]

THINK I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF?

I HAVE NO GUILT.

BECAUSE I AM NOT A MAN. I AM A DOG.

[BARKING]

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND FASCINATING?

HUMAN NATURE. THE NATURE OF HUMAN BEINGS.

WHAT THEY LIKE AND DON'T LIKE.

WHAT TURNS THEM ON AND OFF.

WHAT INCREDIBLE APPETITES THEY HAVE.

NIGHTLY, THEY STAY GLUED TO THEIR TV SETS.

WATCHING SOME PINHEADED NEWSCASTER GO ON AND ON

ABOUT TODAY'S GRUESOME MURDER, OR VICIOUS RAPE.

THEY SIT THERE AND SUCK UP TV DINNERS

AND MUNCH ON POPCORN

WHILE THEY ABSORB THE MINUTIAE

OF TODAY'S MASSIVE MUDSLIDE

OR EXPLODING CHEMICAL PLANT.

"THOUSANDS DEAD AND DYING.

HUNDREDS BLINDED."

MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH.

CAROL, GET SOME MORE SALT

WHILE YOU'RE IN THE KITCHEN.

HURRY UP. HANDS ARE STICKING OUT OF THE MUD.

COME ON. YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.

COMMERCIAL'S OVER. QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.

AND THESE SAME PEOPLE WATCH A PBS SPECIAL

ABOUT DOLPHINS, AND THEY START CRYING.

THEY STAY UP LATE AND WATCH AND OLD CHRISTMAS MOVIE

STARRING JIMMY STEWART

SITTING ON A BRIDGE SOMEPLACE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE. THEY GO BERSERK.

NEXT MORNING, THEY JUMP IN THEIR SPORTY COMPACT CARS,

THEY RACE EACH OTHER ON THE HIGHWAY

WHILE THEY SING ALONG WITH SOME ARDENT ROCK SINGER

GOING ON AND ON ABOUT EMACIATED, DARK SKINNED

HOPELESS PEOPLE TURNED TO DUNG

HALF A WORLD AWAY.

SO THEY FEEL SO GUILTY ABOUT THAT,

THEY GO HOME, WRITE A CHECK FOR $5,

MAIL IT OUT TO SOME POST OFFICE BOX

IN NEW YORK CITY,

THEY FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT THAT.

THEY GO TO BED WITH EACH OTHER.

THEY KISS, LICK, FONDLE.

THEY SUCK EACH OTHER.

THEY HOLD EACH OTHER REALLY, REALLY TIGHT.

BECAUSE THEY REALLY, REALLY CARE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I'M NEGATIVE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I'M NOT A NICE GUY.

I KNOW YOU ALL HATE ME.

BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE

AT LEAST I REALIZE THAT I'M A SHIT.

WITHIN A TINY FRAGMENT OF TRUTH,

I RESPECT MYSELF.

THAT'S WHY NORMALCY

IS SO FAR OUT OF MY REACH.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE BLIND TO BE NORMAL.

YOU HAVE TO LIKE YOURSELF.

THE THOUGHT OF THAT IS SO REPELLENT TO ME.

THAT I'M ECSTATIC TO BE

IN THE DEPRESSING PLACE THAT I'M IN.

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, MAN?

IT'S LIKE IF EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING

THEN NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING.

EVERYTHING'S A CLICHEÉ.

THAT'S WHY I STOPPED MAKING ART, MAN.

[INHALING]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY?

WHY EVERYTHING'S SCREWED UP.

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

[EXHALES]

WE DON'T LIVE IN A HUMAN WORLD ANYMORE, MAN.

WE LIVE IN A MACHINE WORLD.

THERE'S THIS GUY.

I CAN SEE HIM FROM MY APARTMENT.

THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET.

EVERY NIGHT, MAN. ALL NIGHT LONG,

HE JUST LIES ON HIS COUCH FOR HOURS ON END

AND DOESN'T MOVE.

HIS EYES WIDE OPEN.

NOW IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT GUY WAS WATCHING TV,

I'D THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING

SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HIM, MAN.

I'D THINK HE WAS LIKE PARALYZED

OR HYPNOTIZED OR SOMETHING.

ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN,

HE JUST LIES THERE ON THE COUCH,

FOR HOURS ON END,

MESSAGES FROM OUTER SPACE GO INTO HIS BRAIN.

BUY A NEW CAR, WORK HARDER,

YOUR DOG HAS BAD BREATH.

BUY A MICROWAVE OVEN.

ALL NIGHT LONG, MAN.

ALL NIGHT LONG.

I MEAN, WHAT'S A MICROWAVE OVEN, MAN?

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT DOES.

NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT WORKS.

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE.

WHY?

WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A MICROWAVE OVEN, MAN?

TV SET TOLD THEM TO BUY IT.

THAT'S WHY.

I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,

GOVERNMENT'S BUILDING A COMPUTER,

BIGGEST COMPUTER EVER BUILT.

THEY'RE SPENDING BILLIONS AND BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

IT'S A SECRET PROJECT, BUT I READ ABOUT IT.

THEY FINISH THIS COMPUTER, MAN,

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE DEAD.

BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THIS GIANT COMPUTER,

AND HOOK IT UP TO ALL THE TV SETS

AT EVERYBODY'S HOUSE.

THEY'RE GONNA REVERSE THE TV SETS

SO THEY CAN SEE IN YOUR HOUSE,

DOING YOUR THING.

COMPUTER'S GONNA WATCH EVERYBODY, MAN.

YOU DO SOMETHING IN YOUR HOUSE

THE COMPUTER DOESN'T LIKE,

IT'S GONNA SEND A MESSAGE TO YOUR TV SET,

TV SET'S GONNA SEND A MESSAGE

TO YOUR MICROWAVE OVEN.

DOORS ARE GONNA POP OPEN.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ASHES, MAN.

DON'T BELIEVE ME?

GO IN A STORE. PICK SOMETHING UP.

PICK ANYTHING UP.

EVERYTHING HAS THOSE LITTLE LINES

ON IT NOW, RIGHT?

THOSE LITTLE COMPUTER LINES.

WHAT DO THOSE LITTLE LINES MEAN, MAN?

NOBODY KNOWS.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY SAY.

IT'S NOT ENGLISH, IT'S COMPUTER.

ALL THESE COMPUTERS ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN AN OCCUPIED COUNTRY, MAN.

ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT LONG,

THE COMPUTERS TALK TO EACH OTHER.

ON THE MODEMS, ON THE FAX MACHINES,

ON THE SATELLITE LINK UPS.

ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT, MAN, THEY TALK.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU AND ME.

HOW TO USE US MORE EFFICIENTLY.

SEE THEY'RE JUST COMPUTERS, MAN.

THEY'RE JUST MACHINES.

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS.

THEY'RE LIKE A GIANT SPARTAN WARRIOR

WITH ALL THIS, LIKE, ARMOR ON THEM AND STUFF.

AND WE'RE LIKE A LITTLE, TINY, WHITE, FLUFFY KITTEN

WALKING BY.

THE SPARTAN WARRIOR PICKS UP THE FLUFFY KITTEN

AND GOES, OH, WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THIS?

SHOULD I EAT IT?

SHOULD I CRUSH IT?

SHOULD I THROW IT AWAY?

IT DOESN'T CARE, MAN.

IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS.

MACHINES DON'T HAVE FEELINGS, MAN.

THE WORST HUMAN BEING WHO EVER LIVED, MAN,

HAD FEELINGS.

ADOLF HITLER HAD FEELINGS, MAN.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

HE GOT A LITTLE BUMMED OUT.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

COMPUTERS NEVER GET BUMMED OUT, MAN.

NEVER.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY MAKE BACON?

NO, NO. YOU KNOW HOW THEY MAKE BACON, MAN?

THEY'VE GOT THESE GIANT MEAT PACKING PLANTS

OUT IN IDAHO.

RUN BY ROBOTS AND COMPUTERS.

WAY AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ASSEMBLY LINE,

THEY HAVE A HUMAN BEING TO HOLD A PIECE OF MEAT

BECAUSE EVERY PIECE OF MEAT IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

AND THESE 27 RAZOR SHARP BLADES

COME DOWN, AND HOLD THIS,

CHOPS INTO THE MEAT.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR SLAB OF BACON.

SO SOME DUDE COMES INTO WORK.

HE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING.

SITS DOWN ON HIS LITTLE TABLE.

MAYBE GOT TOO STONED THE NIGHT BEFORE.

HAD A FIGHT WITH HIS OLD LADY.

WHATEVER.

HE'S JUST SITTING THERE.

DOWN COME THE 27 RAZOR SHARP BLADES.

INSTEAD OF A HAND,

HE'S GOT A HALF POUND OF SLICED AND SMOKED.

ARMOR STAR.

BUMMER, RIGHT?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

HAPPENS ABOUT ONCE A WEEK.

NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

NOBODY CARES, MAN.

MACHINES RUN EVERYTHING NOW, MAN.

WHO'S TO CARE?

EVERY DAY, THE MACHINES

PUT MORE OIL IN THE WATER.

THEY PUT MORE POISON IN THE AIR.

THEY CHOP DOWN MORE JUNGLES.

WHAT DO THEY CARE, MAN?

THEY DON'T BREATHE AIR.

THEY DON'T DRINK WATER.

WE DO.

STONED, MAN.

I WISH THEY HAD SOME MUSIC TO LISTEN TO.

I USED TO LOVE TO LISTEN TO ROCK

WHEN I GOT HIGH, MAN.

ALL THE GREAT OLD BANDS.

THE STONES. JEFFERSON AIRPLANE.

THE WHO.

THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW.

HMM?

WHAT, THOSE BANDS TOURING AROUND?

YOU THINK THAT'S THE STONES, MAN?

YOU THINK THAT'S THE WHO?

ROBOTS, MAN.

IT'S GOTTA BE ROBOTS, MAN.

LISTEN TO MUSIC.

LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SING ABOUT, MAN.

ALL THE GREAT OLD BANDS.

WHAT'D THEY USED TO SING ABOUT, MAN?

LOVE, PEACE, ANARCHY?

REVOLUTION. GET HIGH.

WHAT DO ALL THE NEW BANDS SING ABOUT, MAN?

FEAR, PARANOIA.

WORK HARDER.

BUY A MICROWAVE OVEN.

THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO BRAINWASH US, MAN.

THEY'RE JUST PART OF THE SYSTEM.

THEY WEREN'T PART OF THE SYSTEM, MAN.

YOU'D NEVER EVEN HEAR ABOUT THEM, MAN.

ALL THE BANDS THAT FOUGHT THE SYSTEM, MAN,

THEY'RE ALL DEAD.

THEY KILLED THEM ALL.

MADE THEM LOOK LIKE ACCIDENTS.

JANICE AND JIMI.

THEY'RE ALL GONE NOW.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE SYSTEM, MAN.

THE SYSTEM HAS ONE MESSAGE, MAN.

FEAR. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN MILLIONS AND MILLIONS

OF CAGES, MAN.

LIKE IN A GIANT PET SHOP.

WE'RE ALL RUNNING ON OUR LITTLE WHEELS

GOING AS FAST AS WE CAN

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL SO AFRAID, MAN.

EVERY DAY, GET UP AT 7AM,

DRINK TWO CUPS OF CAFFEINE.

JUMP IN THE CAR, GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

GET TO WORK, GET YELLED AT BY THE BOSS.

DRINK MORE CAFFEINE, MAKE YOUR DEADLINE.

DRINK MORE CAFFEINE, GET BACK IN THE CAR.

GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC AGAIN.

GET HOME, PAY BILLS YOU CAN'T AFFORD.

EAT YOUR MICROWAVE DINNER, JUMP INTO BED.

WAIT, I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

WATCH A LITTLE TV.

GOT TO GET THE MESSAGES INTO THE HEAD.

GET UP THE NEXT MORNING. DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

GET UP THE NEXT MORNING, DO IT OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN, OVER AGAIN.

THEY CALL THAT BEING RESPONSIBLE, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S AFRAID.

AFRAID IF THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,

BANG! THEY'RE HOMELESS.

THAT'S WHAT THE HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE, MAN.

THEY'RE THE WARNING TO EVERYBODY.

STAY IN YOUR CAGE. DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

EVER TALK TO ANY OF THOSE GUYS

IN THE STREET, MAN?

EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE CRAZY.

YOU LIVE IN THE STREET FOR A WHILE.

SEE WHAT KIND OF IDEAS YOU COME UP WITH.

YOU DON'T GO CRAZY, MAN.

YOU START TO SEE THE TRUTH.

YOU START SEEING THE TRUTH.

YOU START TELLING THE TRUTH.

YOU START TALKING ABOUT

THE WAY THINGS REALLY ARE.

THAT'S WHY WE GOT TO KEEP

THOSE GUYS OUT IN THE STREET, MAN.

THE SYSTEM'S AFRAID OF THEM, MAN.

THE SYSTEM'S AFRAID OF THEIR FREEDOM.

FREEDOM'S THE OPPOSITE OF RESPONSIBILITY, MAN.

FREEDOM IS POISON TO THE SYSTEM.

THAT'S WHY NOBODY SMOKES POT ANYMORE, MAN.

EVERYBODY'S AFRAID.

THEY'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GONNA SMOKE SOME POT,

GET HIGH, REALIZE WHAT BULLSHIT THEIR LIFE IS,

AND FREAK OUT.

WHAT'S THE POINT IN EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT, MAN.

IT'S A HOPELESS SITUATION.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT THIS SITUATION?

THAT'S WHY I STARTED MAKING ART, MAN.

YOU WRITE A BOOK, BEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN.

EVERYBODY READS IT. MAKES BEST SELLER LIST.

6 MONTHS LATER, IT'S FORGOTTEN.

IT'S ON A BOOKSHELF SOMEPLACE COLLECTING DUST.

YOU WRITE A SONG, A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

MAKES TOP 40.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW

IT'S A JINGLE IN A BEER COMMERCIAL.

PAINT A PAINTING. A BEAUTIFUL PAINTING.

YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE PAINTING ONE PAINTING.

MILLIONAIRE TAKES IT, HANGS IT ON THE WALL

OF THE CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS.

THE OLD DAYS, MAN.

RICH PEOPLE HAVE GOT LIKE LION'S HEADS, TIGER'S HEADS.

HANG THEM ON THE WALL.

MADE THEM FEEL POWERFUL.

MADE THEM FEEL SAFE.

THE SYSTEM COLLECTS ARTIST'S MINDS, MAN.

IT SLEEPS BETTER AT NIGHT

KNOWING THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST

ARE DEAD FROM THE NECK UP.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T GIVE THEM

THE SATISFACTION, MAN.

I KEEP MY MIND INSIDE MY HEAD

WHERE THEY CAN'T GET AT IT.

EVERYTHING BECOMES PART OF THE SYSTEM.

THE ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE THE SYSTEM

IS NOT TO DO ANYTHING.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]

I WANT TO PAINT A PAINTING.

I WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING.

I DO IT IN MY MIND WHERE THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

IF THEY EVER KNEW WHAT I WAS THINKING, MAN.

I'D BE DEAD.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

[DOG BARKING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

♪ I'VE BEEN CAUGHT STEALING

♪ ONCE WHEN I WAS 5

♪ I ENJOY STEALING

♪ IT'S JUST AS SIMPLE AS THAT ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S JUST A

♪ SIMPLE FACT

♪ WHEN I WANT SOMETHING

♪ AND I DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ NOW I WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ AND I WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE

♪ MINE ALL MINE

♪ HEY

♪ YEAH, MY GIRL, SHE'S ONE TOO ♪

♪ SHE'LL GO AND GET HER A SKIRT ♪

♪ STICK IT UNDER HER SHIRT

♪ SHE GRABBED A RAZOR FOR ME ♪

♪ AND SHE DID IT JUST LIKE THAT ♪

♪ WHEN SHE WANTS SOMETHING

♪ AND SHE DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ SHE WALK RIGHT

♪ THROUGH THE DOOR

♪ WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE

♪ MINE ALL MINE

♪ LET'S GO

[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DAAAAAA

♪ SAT AROUND THE PILE

♪ WE SAT AND LAUGHED

♪ SAT AND LAUGHED AND WAVED IT INTO THE AIR ♪

♪ AND WE DID IT JUST LIKE THAT ♪

♪ WHEN WE WANT SOMETHING

♪ AND WE DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT ♪

♪ WE WALK RIGHT

♪ THROUGH THE DOOR

♪ WALK RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ HEY, ALL RIGHT

♪ IF I GET BY

♪ IT'S MINE, MINE

♪ MINE, MINE, MINE

♪ MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, OH, MINE ♪

♪ IT'S MINE

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--