Original subtitles

[chorus vocalizing]

[man] Happiness... is it enough?

Is it possible to find happiness

and just be happy about it?

Alice and I had been happy for a long time.

Long enough that we were getting married,

and we were both very...

...well, we were happy about it.

[brakes squeal]

[Alice] We did nice things for each other.

Things some couples might not consider romantic,

but we considered the little things we did for each other truly romantic.

For example, we always did the dishes together.

[man] It was more fun that way.

And no one got screwed.

Alice was very into good smells.

She was always on the hunt for the shampoo

that would make us feel alive and clean and fresh.

[Alice] Ed made fun of my desire to find morning sunshine in a bottle.

But he liked it.

He smelled great and so did I.

[Ed] Whenever I was at the post office,

I would look for the stamp that would make Alice happy

to send her letters.

It's not a gift on the level of red roses or diamond earrings.

[Alice] But we were beyond red roses and diamond earrings.

We had reached stamps.

We were simpatico.

[Ed] Did I have friends who were having more fun than me?

The masseuse just gave me a hand job.

- Get out! - Yep!

- Did you guy discuss it beforehand? - Nope.

And she give you a hand job just like that?

Just like that, buddy.

Wow! I've gotten massages before,

never once did anyone ever give me a hand job.

- [woman] Roll over. - I got to go.

[Ed] Sure, yeah.

I had friends who were having more fun than me, but,

Alice and I, we had a different kind of fun.

Oh, good add-on.

The kind of fun you have

when you've been with someone you love for five years.

[Alice] That's why we were getting married.

[brakes squeal]

- [Alice] Oh, my God. - [exhales]

[exhales]

We could've just been killed

on the way to our own engagement party.

Whoo, at least we wouldn't have had to sit through any of the toasts.

[laughing] Wow! Wow!

[man] My lawyer says I'll be lucky if I get two Sundays a month.

[Ed] Rebecca gets Buster?

- That's not fair. That's your dog. - You believe that shit?

- You trained that dog. - Exactly.

- I'm really sorry about that. - Yeah, that's rough.

Yeah, I'm OK.

I'm OK.

I still got Herman.

Thinking about some cats. [slurps]

- Crab puff with lemon aioli? - No, thank you.

Good call, they're terrible.

- Oh. - Wait for the duck beets.

What? Is there anything else I should look out for?

Just the clumsy waiters.

- I'm Tim. - I'm Alice.

- Hmm. - And...

this is my engagement party

Oh, another one lost to the void.

[chuckles]

I gotta, um... [clears throat]

He was my number one, you know?

[sobs]

I won't say nothing to Herman about it, that's cool.

Why are we even at this thing anyway? Huh?

Oh, Claire and Peter insisted.

You know, I can't even believe

that Claire and Alice are sisters.

Claire...

...is so nasty.

Her husband laughed at something that I said earlier...

So then the stall door opens and it's Frank Gorshin.

[laughs]

Oh, God.

Honey, please, your breath is like a sewer.

Please, honey.

She just said his breath smelled horrible

in front of everybody.

It's called marriage, Carl, get over it.

- And you get used to it. - [chuckles]

Oh, no. It's different with him and Alice.

I mean, they really got something.

- I mean, Peter and Claire... - There's Peter right now.

- Peter, what's up, buddy? - Ed! Eddie!

- Eddie! - Edward!

That's right!

What should I call you now that we're about to be related?

- Ed. - May I call you Eddie? - Sure.

- I never really enjoyed saying the name "Ed." - [both chuckling]

Why the devil are you hiding out over here,

you should be out celebrating, shouldn't you?

I mean, after all,

you got the good sister.

[both laugh]

I wouldn't say that. Come on, Claire.

Claire is... you know.

Claire is...

- Yes, Claire is Claire. - Claire.

- But Alice... - Alice.

Alice is...

- She's Alice, isn't she? - [laughing]

- Alice is Alice. - You lucky fucker, you are.

Oh, Terry! Excuse... Terry!

- His breath is pretty bad. - No shit.

- British. - Good God.

Hey! Carl, you wore your fancy shirt for us.

You guys are my favorite couple.

Thank you very much.

Speaking of couples, where's Amanda?

- Ooh. - What?

She ditched me for a guy with a job.

- I'm sorry... - That hurts.

- Yeah. Ed didn't tell me that. - I'm sorry.

- Uh... - I'm sorry.

Claire wants to make a toast for us.

No! No, not Claire! Anybody but Claire!

Your sister's toasts are clunky.

They make people uncomfortable.

- It's her house, her toast. - She cannot.

Hello, everyone. I'm Claire. I'm the sister.

Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say a few words about Alice and Ed.

Um, one of the things you should know about Alice and Ed

is that they luckily have the same taste in music.

Just one of the many advantages

they have as a couple.

Having the same taste in music is very, um,

is a wonderful thing,

because the sounds of irritable bowel syndrome can be deafening.

[chuckling]

Or it is spastic colon... honey?

[laughs]

It's hard to say. There's so many problems.

But, you know, if I could crank my Led Zeppelin,

perhaps I wouldn't have this problem.

But it's just Chopin, Chopin, Chopin.

I'm telling you, Chopin's nocturnes

just ain't loud enough, sweetie.

- OK? - [laughs]

So, I just wanted to say,

thank you all for coming today.

Here's to Ed and Alice.

They are the happiest couple I know.

And um... thank God, I have more money than they do,

or I would really fucking hate them.

- Cheers! - [man] Cheers.

[woman] Cheers.

- [weak applause] - [Claire clears throat]

[jazz music plays]

[chuckles]

- Oh! - Oh, no!

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, Claire.

This? This?

Do you have anything a woman might wear?

Hilarious.

I never had the balls to wear this. Give it a shot.

Can I pull this off?

[sighs] I've got a boner.

Eww.

[both chuckling]

Here, I want to fuck you.

[breathing heavily, grunting]

[laughs]

I don't think they know each other.

- You're kidding me. - Mm-mm.

I had a feeling my life sucked, now I know it does. God!

[breathing heavily, grunting]

[Ed] Wow. Wow.

Wow! Right there on Claire's bed, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Geez, that's the most action that bed's seen in a long time.

Wow.

Do you think that we have a hot sex life?

- Our sex life is very hot. - Yeah?

Very, very hot.

I don't know what was in those tamales.

I feel like a garlic clove took a dump in my mouth.

Why don't we ever do anything like that?

Just, you know, sneak off into some empty room

or a bathroom at a party and just do it?

Alice, before we have sex,

you have to double lock the front door

and set the alarm.

[laughing]

No, I don't.

Just one lock.

[crickets chirping outside]

Do you feel good about being with me the rest of your life?

Yeah, I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

I just feel so boring.

I wish I had slept with more people.

Oh, it's not as much fun as you think.

You're not missing anything, believe me.

Having sex with a bunch of different people isn't fun?

[chuckles] It starts out as fun,

but it winds up being a giant pain in the ass.

Casual sex, one-night stands.

You don't think I'd be a more exciting person

if I'd had some of that?

What's going on?

I don't know, I just wish that I'd had a little more history.

A few more experiences so I wouldn't feel like

- I was missing out on anything. - Missing out on anything?

Wait, everyone always feels like they want more.

It's normal to feel that way.

Especially right before you get married, of course.

But I've only been with... three guys.

- You said I was your fifth. - Yeah, I know, but I lied.

What?

Yeah, Doug wasn't what he said.

Hey, hey!

You don't have a penis.

My name is not Doug, either.

[squeals]

Oh, my God. What was that?

A lesbian senior who liked to prey on innocent freshmen.

Oh, that's so weird.

- I know. - All right, all right.

What about that...

There's that guy in college

you said you had a one-night stand with.

Yeah, it didn't really last a whole night.

[breathing heavily]

Oh. Why did you lie to me?

Because I just feel like three guys is pathetic.

- I think that you're very sexy. - Really?

Really, and...

I think you're really slutty.

- Mm. - [chuckles]

I would like to have sex right now.

Mm.

But I'm kind of tired.

Good, something I ate disagreed with me.

So I'm gonna go to bed.

Last night when I was changing my dress,

I saw you with that waiter.

You saw us?

Yes, on the bed having sex. My sister and I were in the closet.

- Watching? - Yes.

What a turn-on.

[chuckles]

What's it like to do that with a stranger?

Oh, it's fun.

But don't take my word for it, you should try it.

[chuckles] I can't, I'm engaged.

You can still love Ed and get a wet pussy

because you like the way some guy's cock bulges in his pants.

[woman] OK, everyone.

Come to a comfortable sitting position,

close your eyes, and begin your Ujjayi Pranayama.

[breathing deeply]

We're still over.

Your cousins from Vermont, can you guarantee me

if we invite them, they won't show up?

[laughs]

I need to sleep with other people.

Excuse me?

It wouldn't just be me sleeping with other people,

you would get to, too.

[laughing] I don't want to. I don't think I do...

You're honestly saying you wouldn't want to sleep

- with anyone else? - I like sleeping with you.

Well, and I like sleeping with you,

but, come on, don't you see other women

out there during the day

and think about what it would be like to have sex with them?

I don't wanna talk...

Just answer. Wouldn't you like a little fresh pussy?

What? What are you doing?

Yeah. Yes, is that what you wanna hear?

- Yeah, well, I mean... - I wanna have sex with half the magazine covers here.

So then let's try it.

Just for a little while and we can stop anytime.

How about we stop now?

How long are we going to talk about this?

I don't want to!

I can't handle that, and I know...

I know you can't handle it. Yeah!

Ed. It can work. Ed!

If we can be mature and honest and open,

- it can work. - Are you...

It can work?

This may sound irrational to you, Alice,

but I don't want you sleeping with other men.

Ed, it's just sex. It doesn't have to mean anything.

In fact the whole point is that it's meaningless.

And it's not about love at all.

I know that I love you.

It's just something that I need to get out of my system

and then, once we get married, then that's it. It's forever.

You're not gonna be jealous when I go and have sex with another woman?

- Mm-mm. - You're not?

No, 'cause I know you love me, so I can handle it.

You can handle it? What about me?

I can't handle it. The mental picture of you having sex with some guy,

- I can't handle that, Alice. - Yes, you can, Ed.

- I just told you I can't. - Yes, you can.

- I can't. - You can.

I can!

Listen...

We can't stop each other from experiencing life.

And the thing is, sweetie, we're in a rut.

How are we in a rut?

Because we haven't had sex in almost three weeks,

and we haven't had sex in the daytime in almost three years.

I see that, we're in a little bit of a rut,

but that doesn't make us any different from anybody else.

Well...

We don't have to be like everyone else.

All right, so we always use condoms,

and never in this house. We don't bring anyone into this house.

What about videos? Can I make videos?

And we have to be completely honest with each other

because we don't want anyone coming between us.

Except the people we're going to be having sex with?

Come on, it'll be an adventure.

An adventure? Well, let's go skydiving.

Let's rob a bank.

OK, here's my list of who's off limits.

- You made a list? - Uh-huh.

You put your mother on this list.

Yeah, I just wanted to cover all the bases.

- Your mother? - Yeah.

- Salma Hayek? This is insane. - You could meet her.

Claire saw her at Whole Foods last week.

What are you talk...

This list is the work of someone that cannot deal

with me having sex with other people.

Look at all these.

Look at this.

You're right. You're right.

- Uh, no lists. - No lists?

No lists. No jealousy. You know, I'd be impressed if you had sex with Salma Hayek.

Oh, I'd be impressed if you had sex with Salma Hayek.

I bet you would.

Now I'm just free to go out into the world

and have sex with whoever catches my eye?

- Yes, and so am I. - I got that part.

OK. All right.

- I'm late for work, Alice. - [laughs] OK.

- OK? - So...

Good, I think this is gonna be really good for us.

I'm glad you think so.

Salma Hayek?

[woman] Are you really gonna let him sleep with anyone he wants?

[Alice] Mm-hmm. I need to have some slut days.

How can I commit to a life of monogamy

without ever having slut days?

Slut days are so unimportant compared to what you and Ed have.

And take it from someone who's had lots of meaningless sex,

you just wind up feeling spent and all fucked out.

Really?

Alice, you can't let your fiancé sleep with other women. You'll be jealous.

I don't think after five years, I'm gonna feel jealous.

Just don't tell anyone though, OK?

I won't tell anyone,

but this is the whitest thing that I've ever heard.

You wanna know a secret? It kind of turns me on.

That's because it doesn't have a face

and a pair of double-Ds.

I'm not gonna feel threatened.

I doubt he's even thinking of it.

I'm sure he's just going through his day like always.

Mm-hmm.

[man] Oh, my God, this script blows.

It's flat as a fucking pancake.

[man 2] We're not throwing out the whole script. This is funny.

- It's not funny for a second. - It's very funny.

- Can we order dinner? - No.

- It's freakin' hysterical. - Stop. Ed. Ed!

What?

You gonna pitch some jokes, or what's going on?

He's drawing big titty naked girls.

Let me see.

- [chuckles] - Wow.

- Yeah. - [chuckling]

So, why don't you just have an affair?

No, that's what my parents did.

Sneaking around, lying... Who wants that?

[man] Knock-knock.

- Who's that? - That's Donald.

It's the contractor that Tasha recommended.

He's cute.

Well, there's your guy.

- Go for it. - What did you mean?

Yeah. [laughs]

I don't have to worry about you,

because you don't have the guts to go through with it.

We're doing zoysia here.

Three flats, you think that's enough?

Oh, make it five. There's a spot on the side of the house

- I wanna use it for also. - All right, five it is.

Uh... Hold on, this pen is done. I'll get a new one.

Mm-hmm.

[takes deep breath, exhales]

What was...

What...

Are you trying to kiss me?

Yeah, it was sort of an experiment.

OK, I'm open to an experiment.

Now that I have a heads up, I think we can do much better.

[humming]

Oh, honey, that looks gorgeous.

Thank you.

Home grown, except for the mushrooms.

Oh, you know what? They're shooting my script this week,

and I wanted to tell you because Marty wanted me...

- You look really pretty. - I do?

- Yeah, you do. - [chuckling] Thank you.

You have a glow.

Well, I made out with someone today.

- What? - [laughs] I made out someone.

You made out with someone, like you made out...

- Made out. - Made out, made out.

[laughs]

Well, you don't waste any time, Alice, did you?

The opportunity just sort of presented itself.

You had someone lined up.

- Oh, my... - No. No, I didn't.

You didn't? You... Oh, my God! I'm so stupid!

What?

You trick me into this bullshit arrangement

because you had some guy lined up.

No, Ed, I didn't. I met this guy today.

- For the first time. - Today?

- Yes. - Who?

The contractor from the Kelner job.

Would you like to hear about what happened?

What?

Do you wanna hear about what happened?

I don't know. I don't know!

This is so fucking weird, Alice.

Sure.

OK, well, I did something that I always wanted to do.

I was aggressive.

And before I knew it, I was totally kissing this guy.

And I felt really sexy.

It was... It was hot.

You liked it?

[chuckling] Mm-mm. I did.

[grunting, panting]

[sighs]

I told you this would work.

Remember, you're allowed to do it, too.

[groans] I accept.

[Ed] I don't wanna give you too many details,

but let me just say last night was ridiculous.

I haven't had sex like that, ever, ever in my life!

- Ever! - [laughing] I love it!

I got a fucking hard on right now.

Stop. Ew!

- I think it's crazy. - Carl, give it a rest.

He's obviously not giving Alice what she wants,

and if he gets to benefit from that, then let him.

What did you mean I'm not giving Alice what she wants?

I'm on your side, all right.

All I'm saying is the reality of the situation is

you're making a ton of dough,

you're surrounded by all these actresses with huge, fake tits,

I say enjoy the river of snatch that flows to your cock.

This is the advice that you give to your friend

when he's about to marry the woman that he loves?

You are doomed. Enjoy your lonely death, man.

I don't see anybody sucking your cock, Carl.

You think maybe I'm inadequate?

So you're inadequate, who cares? Use it.

Don't listen to him, Ed, he doesn't have human feelings.

It's just Alice never said anything

about me being inadequate.

Yeah, your mate usually doesn't bring that up.

They come up with shit like seeing other people

to make your sex life better.

You don't have to see other people

to make your sex life better.

Rent a porno. Buy some new sheets. Something.

Non-monogamy is man's natural state.

God created us to want to fuck around.

- [cell phone ringing] - I say go with God.

What does she want? Yeah, hello?

You know where that is? Because he needs to be walked more than once a fucking day.

OK, he's a dog not a toy.

Soon he's gonna have a fatter ass than you.

Yep. You know what...

Right back...

Yeah, I'm still here. I'm in the fucking studio, OK? I'm working.

Look at the rack on that.

The fact of the matter is B's depressed,

and I blame you for that.

The dog needs structure. He needs structure.

He can't just go to a fucking shrink like you

and pay $200 a week to get some little fucking green pill

to make him happy. All right?

I don't know how they can make postal worker outfits in hot.

- [chuckles] - Did I just say that?

That was so lame, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

- Aren't you engaged? - Correct.

And yet you're flirting with me.

That's so unusual in Hollywood, I know.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but I've been on the show three times now,

and you've never flirted with me before,

or even talked to me.

Well, I'm busy. I'm really busy.

Because you know, I write the show

and then I'm writing this movie now.

- Oh. - I should talk to you about it.

But, you know, my fiancée came up with this idea

that we should see other people until we get married,

and she already made out with this guy.

Ouch.

Yeah, it's completely like...

bananas but...

my agent, Lou... Did you ever meet Lou?

- Mm-mm. - I should introduce you to Lou.

He's producing this movie, too.

He said that maybe she came up with this idea

because I'm inadequate, and I don't please her.

Which is, trust me, completely ridiculous.

But ever since he said that maybe I'm inadequate, I can't get that out of my head.

- Mm. - You know?

Strange.

This is horrible. This has never happened before.

I always get a hard on. Always.

I guess I'm... I haven't had sex with anyone except my fiancé in so long,

I'm probably just nervous.

This is...

I'm just nervous.

I think I know why your fiancée

thinks you're inadequate.

I just said this has never happened before.

Oh, I know, I know.

I just don't believe you.

Maybe you're gay.

- Hey. - Hey, how was the...

[kissing]

...taping? I guess it was good, huh?

I'm just glad to be home with you.

Feel these sheets. I got them today, 250-thread count.

I think I like them better than the 353 count.

Oh, they're great sheets.

Oh! Um...

[chuckling]

[Alice] Donald, this is a really nice place.

Do you rent or own?

[Donald] Listen, if you don't want to do this, it's totally fine.

Do I seem like I don't want to do this? I do.

- You just seem a little tense. - No, I'm not tense, OK?

Where's the bathroom? Great.

You can do it. You just have to be wild, OK?

Just be wild. Please be wild.

Just going to be totally wild.

Wild. Uh-huh. Wild.

[Donald] Hey, Alice, wait.

[chuckles] You forgot these.

- Thank you. - Oh...

I really wish I hadn't worn those.

- I need to see you again. - OK, I'll call you.

- Can I cook you dinner? - Sure.

Awesome.

Great.

Bye!

Uh, I can't believe you had a nooner.

Believe it.

And he wants to make dinner for me.

Ugh, what a cheeseball.

You should see his arms.

[laughing] And I don't even know his last name.

OK, great, Alice.

But I don't know why I'm busting my ass

picking out bridesmaids' dresses for you.

It sounds like the wedding is off.

For your information,

Ed and I have been having the best sex we've had in years.

Really?

Alice told Ed that she wants to fuck other people

before they get married.

- No. - Yeah.

No, Alice? This was Alice's idea?

- I know. - It can't be.

She's too good and sweet and...

Yeah, I guess good, sweet little Alice

wants to be dirty, bad little Alice.

My God, I can't believe that.

Why does it bother you? What do you care?

Of course I care. Of course I care.

I mean, my God, what is she thinking?

People can't have everything.

I mean, what, is she just going to sleep with whoever?

- Whoever comes down the pike? - I guess.

Goddamn, that's ridiculous.

It's fucking ridiculous!

[door slams]

Jesus Christ!

I made this for you, Peter. It's all organic.

I grew it in my garden just for you.

I want you to eat it off my tits and then do me.

[Peter] Alice, oh, Alice.

Alice, Alice, Alice.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hi. Traffic.

- Jeez! - [laughs]

- You're in a good mood. - I am, I am.

I had a really interesting day today.

What happened?

Well, I had lunch with Donald.

You know, the contractor?

And we... [laughing] had meaningless sex.

Ed, I did it. I finally did it.

Are you OK?

Yeah... yeah.

Because this is what we were doing, right?

Right. I just...

I don't think I thought it would really happen.

Well... you know I love you.

Yeah, I'm really feeling it.

[keys jingling]

You know, Alice is all sexed up and turned on,

and that's great, you know?

It's really, really loosened her up.

But I'm not going to sit at home

while she's out getting loosened up!

I'm going to get loosened up too!

I'm getting loosened up.

I couldn't get an erection, Carl.

Do you know what that means? I could not get an erection.

I'm not going out that way.

Are you sure you're in the mood for a party?

I'm in the mood.

It's really great to see you tonight.

Where's Alice?

You look fantastic.

Did you and Alice come separately?

What do you say later we go someplace quiet alone.

Are we meeting Alice?

You goth types, I didn't know you drank beer.

I thought it was more like bat's milk and blood.

[laughs]

Oh, that was lame.

You're gonna walk away, aren't ya?

Hey, I work in television.

[giggling]

Are you sure Larry's OK with us being in his bedroom?

No, no. He's fine with it.

[retches]

So that's it? We're only staying 20 minutes?

I used to get women, Carl. You remember?

I got women all the time.

But now, nothing.

Who cares about these other women?

You've got Alice.

I care. I really care

I care because I can't get them.

I'm a hunter, I want to know that if I go out on the hunt

that I can, you know, return with some fucking meat!

I want meat. Meat for the whole village.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

No, I've been thinking about it.

Maybe we should just forget this whole plan.

No, no, no! No, no, no...

What did you mean?

You... you're right, this is not good for us.

You've been gone for almost two hours.

Well, I've been driving around. You know, thinking... a lot.

Why should I have a problem with this?

Because I know you love me.

But you're not into it.

I mean, you haven't even tried to sleep with anyone.

I know. I've been really busy.

So preoccupied with work.

I can try to get into it.

For us, for you...

No, no, no...

You were right, I've been stupid.

No one said it was gonna be easy on us.

Let's try it.

Until when?

I don't know, until... until you think you're ready.

Until you've had the experience that you need.

OK?

- You're getting it this time. - Bring it on.

- Oh, bring it on, huh? - Yeah, bring it on!

So you had sex with the actress who plays the postal worker.

- You're hurt? - No, I don't know if I'm hurt,

I'm... intrigued.

So, how did it happen?

- The sex? - The whole thing.

The sex to... talking to her into the sex.

Yeah. I want to know what the dynamic was like.

Did you know you were gonna have sex with her

from the second you saw her?

I don't know.

- Come on, Ed, tell me. - I don't know.

- Come on, just tell me. - I don't know.

I feel like we're turning into weird perverts.

No, it's not perverted, it's interesting.

I'm curious.

You know, five days ago, I felt like I hadn't

had any life experiences,

and if I had been diagnosed with cancer,

I would've felt like I hadn't lived.

Did you just compare marrying me to being diagnosed with cancer?

No, I'm just saying that we need to get rid of our hang-ups.

So I want to know the details.

But, first...

I want to have sex.

[up-tempo music playing]

Claire wanted to go shopping today.

Is that all right? I know we talked about going to LACMA.

No, it's fine, actually.

I'm... I'm gonna help Carl with some lyrics.

- He's got a new song. - Mm.

- I'm going to his house. - OK.

[up-tempo music continues]

...writers on the staff who won't laugh

unless it's their name on the script.

But we can talk about this later.

I'm losing you a little bit. Uh-huh.

Lou, Venita. You know Claire.

- Yes, we've met. - Strong grip there, honey.

Let me call you back.

OK, so, Carl, what's this all about?

Yeah, what's the huge emergency?

We think that we should have an intervention for Ed and Alice.

- [blows air through lips] - [laughs]

An intervention?

Why? Because they're having too much fun? Stop!

They think they're having fun.

They don't really see what's happening.

And they're drifting apart.

Yeah, they spend all their time with other people.

Carl, you know, you really need to relax.

Ed says it's working.

Ed is becoming a sex addict.

And Alice, she spends all her time

with the contractor from the Kelner job.

I feel for them. I do.

Boo-hoo. My contractor has a big dick and he uses it.

[laughs]

Nice laugh. Really.

We are not going to stand by and watch

as two people that we care about destroy something great.

That's right.

Their relationship is meant to last.

It's... it's a rock.

That's right.

Sweetie, I don't mean to be an asshole,

but really, aren't they doing what we all wish we could do?

Yes!

- No! - No!

I say yes.

I don't know about you, they're having a fuck-a-thon over there.

Sounds like it beats couples' therapy.

Sure as hell is cheaper.

- [snorts] - [laughing]

Nice laugh, really.

Can I go now, Carl?

[man] What kind of music you like?

Do you like Mariah Carey?

Country? Reba McEntire? That kind of thing?

I peg you as a Reba McEntire fan, am I wrong?

OK, let's not even worry about that.

This is a good stereo, but that's all.

Now, I think I'd like to move you up in something

which is a little bit more expensive,

but gives you a much fuller dynamic,

you know, highs and lows.

How much is the next step up?

Listen to me, for $150,

Mariah Carey's gonna sound...

You're not gonna believe it.

If you really wanna hear Mariah blasting those things, that thing that she does,

you gotta go up here. You're gonna get...

You'll get a bunch of useless knobs you'll never use.

What kind of room do you see this being played in?

In a dining room, or living room or bedroom, bathroom, kitchen...

What do you see?

What does that have to do with anything?

You know, I just, I...

I don't think I need such an expensive stereo.

- I'm just... - Of course you don't.

You want something simple.

You turn it on, you press play, right?

Exactly.

OK, what do you want to hear?

Oh. Jake, what do you want to hear?

Um, something pretty?

[mouthing]

[soft-tempo music playing]

Oh, my. That sounds so beautiful.

Isn't that great, Jake?

Yeah, buddy, now you can crank your Ludacris,

drive your mom crazy, huh?

That's not the way you're supposed to behave

in front of guests!

Do you want something to drink?

Milk.

I have that.

Oh, he's...

He's having a hard time with the divorce.

Of course, he blames me.

Well, do you have to hang these pictures up?

Don't you think they kind of... bring morale down a bit?

Yes. [takes deep breath, exhales]

But I'm trying to be accepting of his feelings.

You seem like a real good mom.

Oh, thanks.

- Mr. Ed. - Johnny.

- Nice to see you. - How are you?

Very well.

- They know you. - I come here all the time.

[chuckles]

You know what, this isn't going to work.

You don't want to sit by your wife?

- I, uh... - No, it's fine.

Stay at this table, it's fine.

- Really? - Yeah, we're adults.

Ed, Donald. Donald, Ed.

How's it going?

- I'll just go ahead... - No, no, no, no...

It's OK, John. Thank you.

It's two. It's nice...

- Just, can I have a... - Yeah...

Ah, Lauren, Alice, Donald.

Hi, Lauren.

You're his fiancée?

- This is too weird. - It's crazy.

You know, you should try the lobster risotto.

- I don't want it. - If I get it, will you try it?

- No. - Not even one bite?

She doesn't like shellfish, Donald.

I just think she could be a little more adventurous.

Not that she isn't extremely adventurous.

What's that suppose to mean?

- This is too weird. - I know, it's OK.

I promise you, it's OK.

What's that supposed to mean?

It just means the lobster risotto's fantastic.

She doesn't like it.

Are you sure?

Excuse me. I got to go to the bathroom.

Be right back.

This is so weird.

It's fine. Can we get some bread?

You want some bread? Bread's good.

What's he mean? She's adventurous?

- It was a stupid comment. - I agree.

What the hell are you two doing that he knows you're adventurous now?

Nothing, it was a stupid comment.

How many nights a week do you see this guy, Alice?

You brought her.

But this doesn't mean anything.

Excuse me?

You know, I told you my entire situation before.

Please, this is my fiancée.

[scoffs] I'm not playing your weird games!

Bye!

And I'm not going to seat here and be humiliated

in my favorite restaurant where they know my name.

Your favorite restaurant? It's my favorite restaurant!

I found it in the Zagat and you had to bring him!

You brought her!

Because I didn't think you'd bring him!

Thank you, sir.

Donald, excuse me. I just need to go ask Ed something.

Gotcha.

How many women have you slept with?

- Five. - Five?

You're mad at me and you're talking five women.

I'm doing what we're suppose be doing, Alice.

You said we should see other people.

You're seeing other person.

You're having a goddamn relationship.

Don't you think I wanna be sleeping with other people?

Instead, you are sleeping with other people,

and you've already slept with enough people.

[horn honking]

[Ed] I don't even know what that means.

- It's not my fault! - Yeah, it is, kinda.

Because it's really impossible to sleep with other people when we're living together.

You know, it makes things really difficult.

Oh, my God! I'm really sorry about that, Alice!

Is there anything else I can do to make your life more accommodable?

Maybe I can blow my fucking brains out!

Where is my car?

You're being ridiculous.

Hmm.

Just for a little while, sweetie,

and it will make our wedding night that much more exciting.

How'd we get there, Alice, OK?

Because although I may not be in direct touch

with the feeling right now,

I know that I love you.

And I love you, too.

I'll call you later!

[dog barking]

It's gonna be a lot easier to get laid

without Alice looking over my shoulder all the time.

That's what I'm talking about. Come on, step in, step in.

Poppy's got an eye infection, and I don't want her to get out.

Whoa! It's OK, girl. It's OK.

- It's 37 inches. - OK.

So now Donald calls me 15 times a day,

and anytime I'm on the computer,

he sends me an instant message.

I thought the whole point

was for you to have sex with several different people,

- not just Donald. - Yes, it was. It was.

I don't know.

I don't think you can have sex with lots of people at once.

Maybe you could only have sex with one person.

It was Ed, now it's Donald.

But I have to make it into the double digits.

This is my last chance to be a slut.

[Donald] Knock-knock.

- Hi, Donald. - Hi, Donald.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to stop by and say hi.

Nice. OK, I'll go away.

Donald, it's really not a good time right now.

So you don't want to hang out?

Not really.

Well, I was just in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd come by and say hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, I've got this great bottle of cab at home,

and some salmon steaks, maybe go grill them up?

No, no...

You look really cute today.

Donald, please.

Are you sure? I can make a great...

- Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure. - ...guacamole?

- Fresh avocados. - Donald.

You get those jeans at the Gap?

Donald!

[mouths]

[meowing]

[sniffs, clears throat]

You OK, Lou?

Yeah, just my allergies are killing me.

What are you allergic to, pollen?

No, cats.

[meowing]

Cats?

Yeah. It's OK. It's OK.

- You're allergic to cats? - Yep.

Maybe you're not the type of guy

that shoulda went out and bought all these cats.

[chuckles]

I love these cats!

It's not their fault.

It's not their fault I'm allergic to them.

What's the matter with you?

Take it easy, don't go crazy on me.

Oh, crazy.

These cats didn't kick me out of the house

so they could have sex with other cats, did they?

She did not kick me out of the house, Lou.

Fine, whatever. She politely asked you to leave

so she could go get banged by some strangers.

[sniffs]

Ed, what are you doing here? You scared me.

- I knew it! - What are you doing?

- What are you doing? - I knew it.

I get the granny panties,

the ones with the period stains and the broken elastic,

- but not Donald! - Stop it!

Donald gets lace!

You never bought this stuff for me, Alice!

You can't come here and do this, please.

You know what? Give me the ones you're wearing!

What?

Give me the ones you're wearing right now!

- Give them to me. - I'm not wearing any.

What?

Why wouldn't you wear any underpants?

I wanted to see if it felt sexy.

Yeah? Does it?

Yeah, it does.

Sexy.

I miss you, Alice.

I miss you, too.

- Really? - Yeah, I miss you.

[laughing]

Can we invite Donald to our wedding?

That's not funny, of course not!

It's funny!

Can we stop this? This is stupid!

I've been living at Lou's house for three weeks.

Three weeks! Everyone we know thinks we're crazy!

You wanna know why? Because we're fucking crazy doing this!

[phone ringing]

Hey, Alice, you weren't answering yourself.

It's Donald.

Sitting here feeling kinda low, got a glass of white zin.

- Thinking about you. - [slow music playing]

He's listening to girl music, this guy.

This guy... This is how you sow your wild oats?

Ed.

- Ed, don't... - It's OK. It's all right.

Hey, Donald, buddy, I'm here for you. It's Ed.

Ed, Alice's fiancé.

The guy she just got done having hot sex with.

He doesn't wanna talk to me?

Donald, it's not really a good time, OK?

See, Ed, this is exactly why we can't stop right now,

because I've only slept with Donald,

and I can't only sleep with Donald.

I need to get away from Donald so that I can be wild.

If you can just... a little bit, Ed.

Come on, it's easy for you,

you've had lots of meaningless sex.

Yeah, that's the whole point.

It's meaningless.

I can't stand it, it's so meaningless.

[sighs]

Donald?

Are you crying, Donald?

[dog barking]

- Hey. - Hey.

[snarling]

[chuckles]

[meowing]

[cat meowing]

Whiskers! Get out!

- Hey, man. - What's up?

I just found this under the bed.

Rebecca's favorite pair of shoes.

[chuckles]

She said she liked the way it made her ass look.

I'll never forget the look on her face

when Buster chewed these up and then she hit the roof.

[cat meowing, dog barking]

[crying] I really thought we had something, Ed.

I thought she was the one, man.

[crying]

Hey... Come on, man.

Lou.

Lou, come on, buddy.

You dumped hundreds of girls, man.

Lou! You've dumped so many girls, it's unbelievable.

So one dumped you, what's the big deal, right?

Come on, man. What's the big deal?

Yeah, I guess you're right. Who gives a shit?

Let's go get some fucking breakfast.

Pigs in a blanket and hash browns for me.

Isn't this a great way to start the day?

Here you go. Are you guys ready to order?

That was not squeezed on the small machine,

I specifically asked for juice squeezed on the small machine.

- It was... - Hey!

I need juice to start my day,

and I need it squeezed fresh.

That means right now on the small machine.

It doesn't come from a bottle,

it doesn't come from a can,

it doesn't come from a container.

It comes from fucking fruit,

the little orange thing in the kitchen?

- Lou, what's the big deal? - It is a big deal!

All right. The sour one's gonna fuck up my stomach.

In fact, can you get it out of my sight please,

and give me what I asked for?

I'm gonna keep mine. It's excellent.

I'm really sorry he yelled at you like that.

It's OK. We get a lot of Hollywood assholes in here.

I hate when I let them get to me.

Right.

You seem sad.

I seem sad? You're the one that's crying.

No, I mean really sad.

- I'm Sandy. - Hi, Sandy, I'm Ed.

Hi.

[boy] Mom, I want more pancakes!

Are you sure you want more pancakes? You've had ten.

I'm hungry.

I'm not making you more unless you're gonna eat more.

I'm still hungry.

Fine.

Actually, I'm full.

- I cracked the egg! - I'm full!

Do you think that I'm your slave,

that I exist to waste food on you!

Hey, I'll eat the egg.

You know what? No more seconds.

No more seconds anymore for the rest of your life

for the rest of the time that you live in this house!

Do you un... Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. Come here.

I'm sorry. Oh, man! I'm sorry.

I don't mean to lose my temper.

Jake, Carl, do you please accept my apology?

[door slams]

Your mom's having a tough time.

Maybe that's because you wrestle her every night.

I'm gonna go make that egg.

I can't believe she wants to get rid of

these mature plantings.

I mean they're so beautiful.

She wants to devalue the house for the divorce settlement.

Yeah, but then the plants are caught in the middle.

I know.

It's Donald. I don't believe this.

He is so needy. It's suffocating.

- Donald. - Alice.

Hi, are you...

I didn't know you were working here.

So I guess this is just a coincidence?

It's, uh...

Donny, right on time!

I have something for you, and I know you're gonna like it.

[chuckling]

We'll talk later.

Guess he's a little needier than you thought.

[Alice] You're seeing three other women besides me?

Look, I love women,

and Elise is going through a very difficult time right now.

She's... a very sexy woman, but she's feeling undesirable.

- I can't believe this. - Hey, you're engaged.

Yes, and you know I'm engaged.

I didn't know that you're seeing other people.

I didn't think you'd care. You never even stay over my house.

Can't you get one of these other women to stay over your house?

Sometimes, but...

I don't like sleeping alone at night.

Oh, my God. You are so needy!

And for some reason, I'm feeling jealous.

I mean this is absolutely crazy. I don't even like you, and I'm feeling jealous.

Really? You're jealous?

I'm suppose to be out having adventures,

but now I'm stuck with this guy who bugs me

and is sneaking around behind my back.

Look, if you're asking for a commitment...

- What? - I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm not asking for commitment, Donald,

I am breaking up with you, OK?

I'm breaking up with whatever this is that we have.

Don't do this to me!

[cars racing over TV]

Yes. Oh.

Can I ask you something without you taking it the wrong way?

I hope so.

Isn't it kind of strange

what you and your fiancée are doing?

Come on, anything else. I don't wanna talk about that.

- Come on. - Shoot.

But you are getting married.

November third.

Does that bother you?

No.

Yay!

Yes!

I'm sorry, but somebody had to take you out of your misery.

Oh.

You're doing it.

OK, let's go again.

[cars racing]

[door shuts]

[Carl] Hey.

I gotta start making this cake

if we're gonna have it by dessert.

Some old lady said it was really cute

that I was buying cake flour.

It's from Jake.

"Dear Penelope,

I am sorry to say I cannot spend Jake's birthday with you.

I've met someone else and am head over heels in love with her.

Sincerely, Carl."

That's hilarious.

It would be if it weren't so sad.

I just...

I think it's a bad idea for us

to be seeing each other every night.

But I love you.

You do?

[sighs] I love you, too.

Jake, can I talk to you?

I saw that note that you wrote.

My mom showed it to you?

Your mom is sad because you don't like me.

I understand why you don't like me.

I was a little older than you when my parents got divorced.

- For good? - For good?

Yeah, they got divorced for good.

Because people sometimes get back together.

Not usually. Pretty much never.

When my parents split up, I went into my room,

and I tried to learn everything I could about baseball.

I memorized the baseball encyclopedia.

- No way. - Yes way.

How many consecutive games did Cal Ripken, Jr. play?

- 2,632. - That's easy.

Who hit the most home runs in the Federal League?

Uh, Dutch Zwilling, 33.

You know about the Federal League?

[Jake] He knows everything.

Who has the longest hit streak over two seasons?

Let's see, that would be George Sisler,

September 3, 1924 to April 28, 1925.

Thirty-five games.

Wrong.

What?

- Come on, let me... - OK, OK. It was right.

- [laughs] - You almost got me there.

'Cause I thought it could've been Albert Drewsher.

- Who's that? - He's another guy.

You know, Ed and I barely talked for the last six weeks,

and it's weird, I'm kind of scared to call him now.

- I'm having an affair. - What?

- What? You're one to talk. - A secret affair?

Right. The usual kind.

- With who? - No one you know.

- It's fabulous. - What's fabulous?

These tomatoes that Alice grew in her garden.

They're called sweet 100s, you should try one.

Mm.

Oh.

Mm, mm. My God, you're right.

Jesus, it's just a tomato.

Do you know the water's perfect. I recommend a swim.

Mm, that is just what I need.

- Can I borrow a suit? - Yeah.

OK.

No, thank you.

[humming]

Peter. [chuckles] What...

- Please, please. - What?

I want you so badly.

I can't do this to Claire. No, Peter! Peter!

[laughing] Claire doesn't care!

Oh, Alice, be the bad girl.

- Be the bad gal with me. - No, Peter. No.

Shit.

Sandy's got a friend from college,

they wanna have a three-way with me.

- You're kidding, when? - This weekend.

She's totally hot, too. I saw a picture of her.

She's an erotic artist or something.

Buddy, nice! Your life just gets better and better, doesn't it?

[phone ringing]

Hello? Alice.

What are you doing?

I'm at Lou's. Are you OK?

I'm on my way, yeah.

I'm sorry. I have to go.

[meows]

- Don't let the cats out. - [glass shatters]

- [Ed] Oh! - [Alice] Yeah.

I always knew Peter had a thing for you.

I knew it.

I'm so creeped out. I didn't lead him on.

I know you didn't. You're just being yourself.

He's... Ugh, what a creep.

You know what, Ed? I wanna stop this now.

I want you to come home.

- Now? - Yeah.

I thought the deal was

we see other people until we get married?

I know, and...

I guess I thought we could have sex with other people

and maintain our relationship,

but I mean, there just isn't enough time in the day,

there's not enough emotional space.

It's ridiculous.

I think we should stick to the original agreement, sweetie.

Well, I'm really worried about what's happening with us.

What's happening with us? We're fine.

How often do we sit on the couch together, this is nice.

You're seeing someone.

I'm seeing other people, that's what you wanted to do.

It was your idea that we see other people.

- That's what I'm doing. - Right, now I wanna stop.

Well, I don't think it's fair that you

tell me to stop just because things didn't work out with you and Donald.

- So what's her name, Ed? - Who?

- Your girlfriend. - My girlfriend?

What's her name?

Sandy, and she's not my girlfriend at all.

That's what I like about it, Alice.

Well, I'm telling you that we need to stop this now!

I don't think it's fair at all,

that you get to stop and start everything

whenever you want to. Do you?

- So leave! - Leave?

Yes, get out!

No! I'm not leaving.

Why are you still sitting here

when you could be having fun with Sandy?

I don't... I don't know why I'm here either,

because I'd rather be with Sandy.

[chuckles] Great.

[sniffles]

Ow!

[tool box opening]

[grunts]

Do you wanna go spy on Ed and his new girlfriend with me?

Hell, yeah.

I just want an objective opinion.

Did it come out yet?

No!

That is one ugly shirt.

Oh, yeah. The kid made it for me.

I washed it, but it still bleeds.

[laughs]

Hey, I got some good news.

Penelope's pregnant. We're getting married.

- Oh, my God! Wow! Nice! - Thanks.

- Wow! How pregnant is she? - Eighteen days.

It's still not coming.

Eighteen days, that's not very pregnant.

Well, it's pregnant enough for us.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

I can't believe you're gonna have a kid before I am.

Well, get on the band wagon.

You know, Sandy's nice, but she's no Alice.

What you and Alice had was really good.

I think you're getting greedy.

Sandy's got a friend from college.

Tonight, we're gonna have a three-way.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, look at this! Get in the clown's mouth!

Oh, man, you can't compete with that.

He's back in college.

She doesn't want promises, she doesn't want answers.

She just wants to eat, sleep and fuck.

You are stoned.

Yes, but I have stoner clarity.

Let's get out of here.

I'll get the car, you return the clubs.

Alice, what are you doing here?

- You still love me, right? - Of course he does.

I'm talking to Ed!

Or do you just wanna eat, sleep and fuck?

She said "fuck."

Come on, sweetie, let's go play...

- One second, Mom. - Alice, you gotta settle down.

Don't... Don't tell me to settle down.

Don't touch me, you asshole!

Wow! Looks like somebody couldn't handle

seeing other people after all!

- Don't push me, Ed, OK? - Don't push you? - No, Ed! Don't!

You're gonna hit me with a golf club, that's so un-Alice.

- Stop it, Ed! - What're you gonna do, hit me?

- Stop it! Stop it! - Ow! Fuck!

They both said "fuck."

Come on, let's get some ice cream, I'll buy.

Can I have cappuccino?

You can have whatever you want.

It was nice seeing you, Alice.

I can't take this anymore.

If you don't stop now, it's over.

Honestly, Alice,

I don't even know how I feel anymore.

I don't know.

[crying] You don't wanna be with me anymore?

I don't... I don't...

What?

Are we... Do you not...

- I don't know. - Do you not want to be with me?

I don't know. I think...

Are we... Are we breaking up?

I think we already had.

[sobbing]

[Claire] God, it's so ironic!

You and Ed were so happy,

and you completely destroyed it.

You know, Peter and I can barely stand each other,

and our thing just keeps dragging on and on.

It's so ironic.

[laughs] You never even got to be a bad girl.

You never even got to number five.

Oh, sweetie, honey...

I'll take you home.

First I have to stop at the bank.

Five years I was with her!

Five years! I was gonna marry that loon!

And then she attacks me with a golf club in the arm

in front of freaking children, no less!

You know, maybe tonight isn't a good night

for the three-way with Miranda.

Oh, I disagree. I think it'll be OK, I really do.

- Are you sure? - Was I shouting?

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

[bubbling]

So how do you guys know each other from?

We went to Harvard together.

You went to Harvard?

Yeah.

- You're a writer? - Sort of... television.

You know David Gelman?

Yeah, I know David.

[door bell rings]

Hi.

I rented this car so no one would see us.

Oh!

- Let's fuck. - Yeah, let's.

- What's that? - What do you think?

I mean, I know what it is.

But what do you plan on doing with it? Jack off?

No, while you're fucking Sandy, I'll be fucking you.

[Sandy laughs]

No, no, no!

No, no, no! No, no!

You're not sticking that in my ass, no way! No!

But it's OK if you stick your dick up my ass?

What are you talking about?

That's five times the size of any cock I've ever seen.

I thought you said he had an open mind.

He does, come on.

Open enough to screw around on his fiancée,

but not open enough for a true exploration of sexuality.

I don't see how you putting a dildo in my ass

is a true exploration of my sexuality.

You're so goddam suburban.

As soon as sex stops looking like a porn video,

you recoil and hide behind centuries of missionary position dogma.

What are you talking about? What is she talking about?

I'm trying to redefine the psycho-sexual dynamic

that exists only to shore up a crumbling gender identity.

If you just wanna fuck, then get someone else.

We're gonna get someone else.

[Miranda] Fucking asshole!

Wow! That was a boner killer.

Yeah, she was like that at school, too.

Really? Now what?

Let's get a burger.

Do you know... Do you know any other girls?

There was a salad you once made. I don't know what was in it,

I think it was an herb mix.

Let's go home. I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh.

Have you ever smoked crack?

No... no.

I think tonight would be a good night to smoke some crack.

- Together? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

[Sandy] How do you open the pen on this thing?

[Ed] Here, I'll do it, OK?

Please. Do you know where you're going?

Yeah.

How often you smoke crack?

Not that often. Not every day.

You know what? I changed my mind.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

Come on, Ed, it's no big deal. It'll be fun.

How often do you smoke crack?

Miranda was right about you. You're a fucking square!

I'm a fucking square?

I'm starting to think you're a fucking crackhead!

What's the big deal? Drugs should be legal anyway!

[crying]

I thought you were different. I thought you would understand.

Understand what? What?

[urinating]

[crying]

- What's to understand? - I'm sick of it!

I am sick of all these bullshit expectations

people put on me!

My sister is such a cunt! [cries]

Get your bitch under control, dude.

Hey!

Hey, let's go home, please.

I wanna have some fun.

[kissing, breathing heavily]

Do you want to put on a condom?

I think it would be hot.

- If that's what you want. - Yes.

Damn it, hold...

- That's OK, I'll... - No, it's OK. I got it.

It's just... [chuckles]

- Really, forget about it. - Peter! I'm opening it!

- OK. OK. - Yeah, I've got it.

Just...

Oh, shit!

[sighs] You know what...

As hard as I try to be a used-up watery piece of meat,

it just doesn't work. I'm a relationship person.

How about a blow job?

Oh, crap.

- Claire's here. You gotta go! - What?

Claire's here, right outside. Go! Go!

[yelps] Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord!

She's gonna divorce me and take all the money!

No. No, no.

Oh, goddamn. Shit!

Go!

Don't let my hard on scare you.

He's your friend.

There he is.

- Where the fuck you've been? - Relax, Ricky.

- Who the fuck is this? - You have any rock?

You're real piece of work, you know that?

I've been fucking trying to call you all week.

I've been busy.

You ever heard of this thing called a phone?

That's why I bought the fucking thing for you.

Your crack dealer bought you a phone?

I'm not a crack dealer, asshole.

- I'm her fucking boyfriend. - Shut up, Ricky!

At least I am when you want to get fucking high!

Do you have any rock, yes or no?

I got rock, yeah.

But you ain't getting a fucking crumb.

Fucking crazy bitch!

Hey, look, I'll pay for the crack.

Oh, I'm gonna beat your ass, you little bitch.

- Come on! - Oh!

Goddamn golf club!

[up-tempo music playing]

- [screams] - Get in!

Goddamn it!

[engine starts]

Jesus!

[tires squeal]

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Look at all this crack. This is so much rock!

I don't want any fucking rock!

Let's go to the bedroom and fuck. Come on.

- [Claire] You wanna go to bed? - Yeah.

Why don't you fuck me on that table right there?

Tables are good.

Ooh, you dirty little thing.

Come on. I'll fuck you on that table.

You ready for it?

[Claire] Give it to me on the table.

Get them out.

- Stop it! - [screams]

Jesus fucking Christ!

[stammering] What are you doing here?

I live here.

Right, but I thought you were going to Santa Barbara...

Well, I changed my mind, OK?

And his is who you're having an affair with? Lou?

Yeah.

Why don't you just go to his house?

We're both allergic to my cats.

I don't care, you guys gotta go.

- [thudding] - [Peter] Bollocks!

- What the hell was that? - What is that...

Alice?

Please leave! Just get out of here!

- [groans] - [gasps]

[scoffs]

[Lou] No shirt and no bottoms.

Is there a worse look for a man?

You threw out the wrong clothes.

[sighs]

Santa Barbara, interesting.

You just ran another red light, no one's even chasing us!

Don't go pussy on me, Ed!

Pull over, right now!

I'm driving! It's my car, I'm driving! Pull over!

[brakes squeal]

Hey! Hey!

Oh, shit!

I... ah, the fucking three-way!

[screams]

[Claire] I mean, I'm really not shocked.

It's always been obvious that he has a thing for you

but what surprises me is that either of you had the balls to go through with it!

I'm so bloody sick of you always talking about balls!

Congratulations, Claire!

You've got bigger balls than all of us!

- Nothing happened tonight. - Obviously, Alice.

I mean you're... You're Alice. Alice doesn't fuck her sister's husband...

Look, I'm not trying to make excuses, OK?

But you were really insensitive in the car today,

and I just felt like, fuck it!

Fuck what?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everything!

I just wanted to feel...

I just wanted to feel worthless

and degraded and repulsive.

And Peter called.

[Lou laughing]

[Peter] What?

Ow! It hurts!

[Sandy indistinct yelling]

I'll sue your asses!

Fuck!

[indistinct chatter over radio]

She went to Harvard.

Which way's west?

[Sandy] Don't touch my ass, I will sue your ass.

Ow, that hurts!

Fuckers!

I still think you're gay.

Trying oral sex once when I was 15 does not make me gay!

I'm British.

I know, you're so damn proud of it.

[knocking]

[knocking]

Donald, what are you doing here?

You left this magazine at my house.

And you had to bring it back at 5:30 in the morning?

You know, every time I see it, it makes me sad.

Well, throw it in the recycling bin, Donald!

Well, you know, since I'm here,

I just wanted to say that in defense of myself...

I can't! No, Donald!

[laughing] I can't...

You know, when you knocked on the door, I thought it was Ed.

And I don't even know what would I would've done if it was Ed,

because I screwed everything up so badly.

Oh.

I didn't realize you had all these people in your house.

You know, I'll IM you later.

Here's your magazine.

Bye.

You know, I just...

I just wanted a little bit of sex, you know?

Is that... Is that so terrible?

I just... I didn't mean to screw everything up.

I didn't mean to ruin everything.

You know, when Ed and I were together,

sometimes on Saturday nights,

we would just stay in and watch movies and do our laundry,

and it sounds boring, and it was boring, but it was fun.

And it was nice, and it was good!

That's why you two

have to really think about what you're doing

before you just throw everything away, you know?

Because it's really hard to find a safe place in this world.

A place where you can just stay in on a Saturday night

and do your laundry.

We don't do our own laundry.

Right.

[door closes]

[car engine starts]

[Claire] That's what you rented to have an affair?

They didn't have any sedans.

You should try bumping it up to the full size.

Piss off! You, too!

Hi, Claire. What's up, Lou?

[engine starts, car drives away]

I've been carrying these around for three weeks.

I had to use a couple.

Three actually.

[car approaching]

[snickers]

[sprinklers spraying]