Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," A NEW

INVESTIGATION OF

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA REVEALS

THAT ONLY THE BLACK PART OF HIM

WENT TO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION GONE WRONG...

OR RIGHT?

WE'LL SPEAK TO THE PRESS

SECRETARY FOR THE WHITE PART OF

HIM.

AND SUNRISE OR SUNSET?

YOU'LL HAVE YOUR CHANCE TO VOTE

FOR YOUR FAVORITE TRANSITIONAL

PERIOD OF THE DAY.

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON

"NOISEBRINGERS."

THE ONLY REASON TO BECOME A

JOURNALIST IS TO MAKE

MEANINGFUL, GROUNDBREAKING WORK

THAT WINS AWARDS.

SO I GUESS WE CAN JUST RETIRE

BECAUSE WE NAILED IT WITH OUR

ONGOING SERIES, "THE CHRONICLES

OF AN AVERAGE AMERICAN BOY NAMED

BEN HAYFLACK," A DOCUMENTARY

SERIES WHICH CHRONICLES THE LIFE

OF AN AVERAGE AMERICAN BOY NAMED

BEN HAYFLACK.

30 YEARS AGO, WE ASSIGNED THEN

"NEWSREADERS" INTERN

SADEE DEENUS TO CHRONICLE THE

LIFE OF AN AVERAGE AMERICAN BOY

NAMED BEN HAYFLACK FROM

CRADLE TO WHAT WE HOPE WILL

SOMEDAY BE GRAVE.

AND HERE WITH THE CONCLUSION TO

OUR DECADES-LONG SERIES IS

SADEE DEENUS.

>> I WAS JUST A FRESHMAN IN

COLLEGE WHEN "NEWSREADERS" GAVE

ME THE OPPORTUNITY OF A

LIFETIME -- TWO LIFETIMES,

ACTUALLY.

BUT IF LIVES ARE MEASURED IN

MOMENTS, THEN MYSELF AND THE

FAMILY MEMBERS BEHIND THESE

WALLS WHO ARE STARING AT ME

THROUGH THE CURTAINS -- I CAN

SEE YOU! -- HAVE LIVED FOR

GENERATIONS.

WHEN THE HAYFLACKS AND I FIRST

MET 25 YEARS AGO, I FOUND A

TYPICAL ALL-AMERICAN FAMILY --

A HARDWORKING DAD, WHO WAS THE

120th MEMBER OF CompuServe, A

LOVING MOTHER WHO BREAST-FED ONE

OF HER CHILDREN AND SOOTHED THE

OTHER WITH A FUR BLANKET, AND,

OF COURSE, BEN, PRECOCIOUS AND

DETERMINED.

OH, YOU'RE FLIRTY.

OH, MY!

[ LAUGHS ]

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE TO

KNOW ON THAT DAY HOW THIS

ADORABLE AND EXTREMELY THIRSTY

LITTLE BOY WOULD TOUCH MY LIFE

IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CAN GO GET A SNACK NOW.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE A SNACK

BREAK.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHO'S BEEN

TOUCHING THIS?

[ BEEP ]

THIS IS NOT A TOY.

SOMEBODY'S BEEN TOUCHING THIS.

NOW IT'S TOTALLY [BLEEP]

I CAN'T --

[ BEEP ]

>> NOT ONLY DID THE HAYFLACKS

OPEN THEIR HOME TO US, THEY

OPENED THEIR HEARTS.

>> ORIGINALLY, I DIDN'T WANT BEN

TO BE A PART OF ANY OF THIS, BUT

THEN I THOUGHT $500 IS NOTHING

TO SHAKE A STICK AT, SO...

>> AT AGE 5, BEN ALREADY HAD

SOME PRETTY BIG DREAMS.

>> BEN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE

WHEN YOU GROW UP?

>> A SEAGULL BUSTER.

>> A SEAGULL BUSTER?

WHAT'S THAT?

>> YOU KNOW, FIND SEAGULLS AND

BUST THEM AND STUFF.

>> WOW, SOUNDS IMPRESSIVE.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

MNH-MNH.

MOMMY WILL BE HERE IN A SECOND

WITH HER MILK.

NO, YOU CAN JUST SIT BACK --

RIGHT BACK THERE.

IT WOULD BE SEVEN YEARS BEFORE I

NEXT SAW BEN.

[ DRUMMING ]

A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN SEVEN YEARS.

FATHERS SWITCH TO

AMERICA ONLINE, MOTHERS GET

FATTER AND FORGET ABOUT WEARING

MAKEUP, AND BROTHERS TURN FUR

BLANKETS INTO VESTS.

>> PAUL, I WILL SHOVE THAT

HI-HAT INSIDE OF YOU AND BEAT

YOU WITH A [BLEEP] STICK IF YOU

DO NOT SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!

[ DRUMMING STOPS ]

>> SO, IS ALLISON HERE YOUR

GIRLFRIEND?

>> NO, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

>> REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BE A

SEAGULL BUSTER?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO BE A

SEAGULL BUSTER.

>> GUESS YOU WON'T HAVE TIME FOR

GIRLFRIENDS THEN, HUH?

>> I LIKE GIRLS.

>> WHAT KIND OF GIRLS DO YOU

LIKE?

>> NO, NO. MNH-MNH.

THE HAYFLACKS AND I HAD SO MUCH

TO CATCH UP ON.

WENDY, OUR LITTLE GUY IS REALLY

GROWING UP, HUH?

>> OUR GUY.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU WIN.

IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT BEN HAS

REJECTED ME.

IT IS YOUR FAULT THAT PAUL WEARS

A FUR VEST.

NO, WAIT. I TAKE THAT BACK.

THAT IS MY FAULT.

I REGRET EVER, EVER LETTING YOU

IN HERE WITH YOUR CAMERAS AND

YOUR BEAUTIFUL, UNDISTENDED,

LACTATIONLESS BREASTS INTO MY

HOUSE!

I REGRET IT ALL!!

I REGRET IT ALL!!

>> [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

>> WHAT SHE -- WELL, WHAT SHE

AND I, UM...

YOU KNOW, JUST T-TO SUM IT UP,

YOU KNOW, IF THE WHOLE -- YOU

KNOW, THE F-FUR VEST A-AND THE

OBJECTIVITY THING...

IT'S JUST I...

PAUL?

PAUL, I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL

SNAP YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR FEMALE

ARMS AND I WILL DESTROY BOTH

YOUR KNEES WITH YOUR OWN

DISMEMBERED HANDS IF YOU DO NOT

STOP THAT INCESSANT DRUMMING!

YOU KNOW, I THINK I MADE MY

POINT!

I THINK I MADE MY POINT!

>> SIX YEARS PASSED BEFORE I SAW

THE HAYFLACKS AGAIN.

SIX YEARS OF UNANSWERED PHONE

CALLS AND REPEATED REFUSALS TO

HONOR A CONTRACT.

IN THAT TIME, WE LEARNED THAT

MARRIAGES DRY UP AND WITHER,

THAT DOTING MOTHERS MOVE OUT OF

THE HOUSE, AND THAT DIVORCED

FATHERS EAT OUT A LOT AT THE

THAI TASTE NOODLE SHOP AND

EVENTUALLY MARRY ONE OF THE

28-YEAR-OLD WAITRESSES.

BUT THE HAYFLACK FAMILY LEARNED

SOMETHING, TOO -- THAT A

CONTRACT IS A CONTRACT.

>> BEN, THANK YOU FOR AGREEING

TO MEET WITH US AGAIN TODAY.

>> I DIDN'T WANT TO GET SUED.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OH, WOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU, UH,

PLAYED GUITAR, THERE.

[ CHORD PLAYS ]

ALL RIGHT.

>> * I'M WATCHING "NEWSREADERS"

AND I'M IN LOVE *

* WITH THEIR REPORTING, IT'S A

CUT ABOVE *

* BUT THERE'S ONE PERSON THERE

WHO'S CAUGHT MY EYE *

* HER NAME IS SADEE *

* SADEE-E-E DEENUS, PUT SHAMPOO

ON MY-Y-Y... *

THAT'S ALL I HAVE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

SO, UM...

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN

YOU GROW UP?

AND DON'T SAY --

>> SEAGULL BUSTER.

I LEAVE FOR COLLEGE IN AN HOUR.

>> OKAY.

THAT'S COOL.

GOOD FOR YOU.

>> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ]

LITTLE BABY BEN SURE DID GROW UP

FAST.

TWO YEARS PASSED BEFORE WE NEXT

SAW THE HAYFLACK FAMILY -- TWO

LONG, CONFUSING, AND LITIGIOUS

YEARS.

YEARS THAT SAW CHANGES FOR THE

HAYFLACKS AND A REASSIGNMENT

FOR SADEE DEENUS.

>> WENDY, YOU'RE ONLY HERE

TODAY, AFTER TWO YEARS, BECAUSE

ANY MINUTE NOW YOUR SON BEN WILL

WALK IN THROUGH THAT DOOR ON

BREAK FROM COLLEGE.

WHAT ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

UH, I FEEL -- I FEEL REGRET FOR

SIGNING A CONTRACT IN 1987, WHEN

I THOUGHT [Laughing] $500 WAS

A LOT OF MONEY.

[ LAUGHS ]

AND I FEEL -- I FEEL LATE.

I FEEL LATE FOR A THING THAT

RODGER AND I HAVE TO DRIVE TO IN

HIS PORSCHE.

>> OH!

SO, HEY, UH...

WHEN DID YOU, UH, START

SMOKING, HUH?

>> GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

>> WHY DON'T YOU GO [BLEEP]

YOURSELF INSTEAD?

>> OH, I WOULD, BUT RODGER'S

[BLEEP] ME FOR ME.

>> REALLY?

'CAUSE RODGER LOOKS LIKE HE

MIGHT RATHER [BLEEP] ME.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> HEY, EVERYONE.

>> OH, OOH, OOH! BENNY BOY!

>> HI, GUYS!

WHERE DO I PUT MY STUFF?

WHERE DO I PUT MY SUITCASE?

>> WHAT THE...

>> RIGHT HERE -- I'LL PUT IT

RIGHT HERE.

>> WOW.

>> WHAT?

>> I'M GONNA VOMIT.

I'M GONNA VOMIT.

BEN, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

>> BEN?

>> HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> THINGS EVENTUALLY SETTLE

DOWN, AND WE HAD SO MUCH TO

CATCH UP ON WITH BEN HAYFLACK.

WELL, I GUESS I DON'T HAVE TO

ASK YOU IF YOU HAVE A

GIRLFRIEND.

>> I'LL FIELD THIS ONE, SWEETIE.

WE LIVE TOGETHER, AND, UH, YOU

KNOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF

BABIES TOGETHER.

>> ARE YOU GUYS TRYING ALREADY

FOR BABIES?

>> UH, COULD WE JUST TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING ELSE?

>> YEAH, SURE.

DID YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO

THE, UH, LADY?

>> OH, NO.

>> NO.

>> NO.

>> NO.

>> ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER

GIRLS MORE YOUR AGE AT SCHOOL?

>> Both: NO.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE THE YOUNGER

BODIES WITH THE MORE SORT OF

"TRADITIONAL" BEAUTY?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS -- YOU'RE --

YOU'RE CROSSING A LINE HERE,

JOURNALISTICALLY.

>> RIGHT, YEAH.

I'M REALLY CROSSING THE LINE

HERE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I

WOULD ASK ANY GROWN-UP.

HAVE YOU DECIDED ON A MAJOR YET?

>> SEAGULL BUSTING.

UH, IT'S WHY I WENT TO WESLEYAN.

I MEAN, YOU CAN BUILD YOUR OWN

MAJOR.

>> AMIR, LET ME ASK YOU THE NEXT

QUESTION.

HOW MUCH DOES A SEAGULL BUSTER

GET PAID?

>> I TOLD YOU, MOM.

IF YOU DO WHAT YOU LOVE, THEN

THE MONEY WILL COME.

>> WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

>> NOT...MOM?

>> "MOM."

>> I DON'T THINK I SAID "MOM."

>> OH, MY GOD.

YES, YOU DID.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

>> YES, YOU DID.

YOU SAID -- YOU CLEARLY SAID

"MOM."

JUST ASK THE NEXT QUESTION.

JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

JUST ASK A QUESTION, PLEASE.

>> WHAT DID YOU SAY IF YOU

DIDN'T SAY "MOM"?

>> THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW

BEN HAYFLACK, BUT I THINK HE'D

BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I LANDED

ON MY FEET AFTER SUING

"NEWSREADERS" FOR SEXUAL

HARASSMENT AND GETTING MY OLD

JOB BACK.

NOW I COULD FINALLY FINISH THE

PROJECT I STARTED 25 YEARS AGO

AND GET SOME CLOSURE WITH THE

HAYFLACKS.

[ DRUMMING ]

BOYS GROW UP, AND THEY GET

MARRIED TO THE RATHER-PLAIN GIRL

ACROSS THE STREET THAT YOU

TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT, AND

DADS -- DADS, THEY SELL FAMILY

HOMES TO AFFORD MORE COMPUTER

EQUIPMENT.

PAUL, WILL YOU STOP DRUMMING?!

SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!

[ DRUMMING STOPS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

AND MOMS DO THINGS, TOO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MOMS DO.

SCREW HER.

BUT I STILL HAVE ONE MORE

QUESTION FOR THE RESIDENTS OF

THIS HOUSE.

>> HELLO, PAUL. WHERE'S BEN?

IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION --

WHERE'S BEN?

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE ANSWER.

AT THE BEACH WITH HIS FAMILY

DOING WHAT HE LOVES.

[ SEAGULLS CRYING ]

SEAGULL BUSTING.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> LaFonda: AND FINALLY TONIGHT,

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM

SKIP REMING.

>> HI.

SKIP REMING HERE WITH A PLEA FOR

A CAUSE THAT'S NEAR AND DEAR TO

MY HEART.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU OUT THERE

HAVE PETS, SO YOU LOVE THEM VERY

MUCH.

BUT A LOT OF PET OWNERS FAIL TO

DO SOMETHING THAT'S SO SIMPLE

AND SO ESSENTIAL FOR THE LIVES

OF OUR FOUR-LEGGED FRIENDS.

SO, PLEASE -- PLEASE, I BEG OF

YOU.

HAVE YOUR CATS AND DOGS

CIRCUMCISED.

NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S

AESTHETICALLY PLEASING, ALTHOUGH

GOD KNOWS THERE'S NOTHING LESS

APPEALING THAN TO LOOK AT THAN A

FLOPPY ST. BERNARD'S FORESKIN.

DO IT BECAUSE IT'S SIMPLY

CLEANER.

>> LaFonda: NEXT WEEK ON

"NEWSREADERS," DEFYING ALL ODDS,

THE UMBRELLA IS BACK.

AND FINALLY TONIGHT, A FEW

CORRECTIONS.

DESPITE WHAT WE CLAIMED LAST

WEEK, MALAYSIAN PEOPLE ARE

TECHNICALLY MAMMALS.

ALSO LAST WEEK, WE REFERRED TO

MARGARET THATCHER AS

[BLEEP] FACE.

HER PROPER TITLE IS

"PRIME MINISTER."

WE REGRET THE ERROR.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.