Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

- Ladies and gentlemen, you're probably wondering

why I've gathered you all here today.

Each and every one of you has in one way or another

been affected by the terrible Irish potato famine.

Well, what if I were to tell you that there is someone

at this table who is responsible for bringing

the potato blight into Ireland and instigating

this horrid tragedy.

This is our goal for the evening.

To solve the mystery of the great potato famine.

(clapping)

Oh, that was terrible, wasn't it?

- Coop, it was wonderful.

- What's it need?

Faster, slower?

- No no no, the pacing was fine

and I understand everything you're saying.

- Really?

The accent's not totally lame?

- No, actually I thought you were an Irishman

there for a second.

- This isn't gonna work.

People are gonna think this whole potato famine thing

is stupid.

- Coop, it is going to go perfectly.

So proud of you.

Our very own Agatha Christie.

- It needs to be faster, doesn't it?

- Do you want to do it for me again?

- No no no, I want to make sure there's nothing

out of place.

(phone ringing)

One sec.

Elizabeth Kerr?

- Cooper Wright.

- Sup, where are you?

- I'm sorry, I'm on Big Bear Road

and then what do I do?

- Okay, so you're gonna make a right on Oak

and then it's gonna be on your right.

- Got it.

Right on Oak.

- Right on Oak.

- So Beth, you know those potato candles

I was gonna make?

- Yeah, how'd they come out?

- Yeah, they look like impaled tumors.

- Coop.

- I'm throwing them out.

- What?

No!

- For a party themed around a potato famine

there's an awful lot of potatoes.

- Oh my gosh, if I told this to 14 year old you

he'd have a heart attack.

- Yeah well 14 year old me would have had a heart attack

knowing he spent his teenage years

planning a birthday party.

- Don't throw away the candles.

- Fine but if anyone complains I'm kicking you out.

- Ouch.

- Yeah, I'm not even kidding.

- Well you're kinda cute on the verge of a breakdown.

- Hey, watch it, there could be a murder

before the murders.

Beth, you know you're supposed to die, right?

- Yes, it's the third blackout, right?

- No no no, I'm gonna give a huge speech

at the end of dinner--

- I'm just kidding, first blackout, I know.

- Thanks.

Cool.

- Hey Coop, can I just talk to you about something

just really quick?

- Hey Coop!

- Coming!

I gotta run.

- Yeah, okay, no problem.

- Okay, thanks, bye.

- See you in a bit.

- Sup Mom?

- Can you just help me get that off the stove?

- Yeah, I got it.

- Thanks.

So, you excited to see her?

- Who?

- Well that was Beth, right, on the phone?

- Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I mean it's been a while

so I don't know, it'll be cool.

- We message from time to time on Facebook,

she's kinda cute.

- Not creepy at all, Mom.

- I told her a little bit about the party.

Get away from there.

- Good, a little al dente.

- She's excited.

- I hope she's not the only one.

- Cooper, it's gonna be wonderful tonight.

(doorbell rings)

Go on, get the door.

- Alright.

Let's do this.

- It's your big moment.

(doorbell ringing)

- What up?

- Ah, brother, brother, welcome!

- Am I the first one here?

- Yeah, so it seems.

- Whoa.

This is a dope cabin.

- Well ever since my father, the great Barry Wellington,

sold his land to the natives he struck up a bargain--

- Wait you got it from your uncle, right, it's your uncle's?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Whoa, is that a bazooka?

- Ah, tis the Wellington family spud gun.

Not actually invented til the 1940s but I felt

it helped tie the room together.

- Super sweet, super sweet.

- But check this out.

The man I acquired this from said it was hand carved

in 1843, two years before the great potato famine.

- This is pretty neat.

This is quite the nifty object.

- Anyway, you bring the music?

- Yeah, of course!

I present to you the earth quakin', booty shakin' jam box.

- You care to strike up a tune, fair minstrel?

- I'm about to drop down a beat.

(dubstep music)

- You have something more 19th century?

- Alright.

- You said you had 19th century.

- Oh, how could you listen to this

and not feel like a pilgrim?

- No no no, I'm not doing it.

- Bad, bad, bad.

(doorbell rings)

- I did it.

- Jonathan can you please change it?

The whole vibe needs to be right.

(doorbell ringing)

- Top of the morning Sir Wellington.

- We know that the characters were supposed to be

a certain way but we took some liberties

like I'm Sir Brennan, I'm the land owner at

Glen Gordon Castle and I own all the peasants

and this is my favorite peasant, Gertrude,

whom I had to blind when she attempted to run away

from her indentured servitude.

- I miss me eyes.

- Boy, people are crazy aren't they?

- Wow, Sir Brennan, and young Gertrude, please come in then.

- I've brought me drink (mumbles), the party starts now.

- Please sir, spare a sheckle for the poor?

- Oh well my dear I don't have any sheckles

because Ireland's currency is pence.

- Well look at you with all the trivia.

- Ah, it's Father O'Reagan,

my favorite Irish (mumbles) priest.

How are ya?

- Well actually it's Father O'Beagan now.

- O'Reagan, your name is O'Reagan.

- You got it, Coop.

It's O'Beagan.

- Nice.

- Yeah.

- You.

- You.

- No no no no no, you.

- Cooper pooper.

- Oh my god.

I haven't heard that in a year.

(laughing)

- [Both] Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Get a room!

- Hey everyone this is Beth, my main homie from high school.

- Main homie?

- Top of the morning to ya.

- Hey, poppet.

- This is Regina and her brother Kyle.

- Hey, Elizabeth Kerr.

- What's you say your name was?

- Elizabeth.

- Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi.

- [All] Hi.

- Get a room!

- And that's Jonathan.

- What up?

- So Regina and Kyle's dad teaches at Michigan.

- No way!

I just finished my first year there.

What does he teach?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

- Nothing anymore.

- He was fired.

- Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

- So (mumbles), you know Sir Brennan,

he runs the farm across from you.

- I think I've seen you in the stables.

With the horses.

- And you know young Gertrude.

- Pleased to see you again, Gertrude.

- Yeah, ain't it?

I'd be pleased to see me too if I could see me.

- And of course you both work for Sir McFadden.

- Sir McFadden?

I hate that vile, evil man.

Clan McFadden and Clan Brennan have been fighting

since before there were sun or stars!

- Who's playing Sir McFadden?

- Brian.

- Brian Harris?

- Yeah.

- Our Brian Harris?

- Yeah.

- The Brian Harris?

Oh my God!

- Did you know genetically he doesn't have body odor?

- Yeah but he's gonna be a bit late

so we're gonna have to start the party without him.

- I love Brian.

He gives so much to charity.

(doorbell ringing frantically)

- Oh, another arrives.

Ah, welcome.

- I am a princess!

- Princess Augusta of Cambridge.

It is an honor to have you in our presence.

- This is gonna be so amazing.

- Hey dude.

- Marcus.

Where's your outfit dude?

- Well look Coop I know you're like a fourth Irish

or something but why the potato famine for a party theme?

I mean besides the fact that I'm allergic to potatoes,

dressing up is lame.

- Dude I thought you were fine with this

about a week ago.

- Well yeah that was before you told me

I was Thomas Wash the homeless bum.

- No no no, it's Thomas Walsh and he's an oppressed

Irish Catholic, can't purchase land because of

religious discrimination, it's pretty topical, dude.

- No, that doesn't help.

- Marcus please, I've been planning this

for like five years.

Do you at least have something?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I brought this.

I'm Tom.

They're after me lucky charms.

- Okay.

Oh god.

- Just be chill.

I told you she was gonna be here, alright?

- Yeah, I mentioned it.

- No, you did not, I would have remembered.

- Yeah I said it I was like hey, by the way,

Beth is coming.

- This is gonna suck.

- It's gonna be fine, okay?

Just be chill, just be cool, it's gonna be fun.

- Alright you keep Beth and potatoes away from me.

If either of them get within arm's length,

I'm gonna break out into hives.

- Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful earlobes?

- Well everyone this is another homie from high school,

Marcus, but tonight, you'll all know him as Thomas Walsh,

the peasant.

(shouting)

- Sweet cosplay, guys.

(doorbell ringing)

- Another at the door.

- Hey Cooper.

- Well hello, Lady Jasper.

- You look really good.

- Thank you, you do as well.

Please enter my house which is yours too.

Everyone, this is Lady Jasper.

- Damn.

- Jess, you look great!

- Beth.

You too.

- Thanks.

- Get a room.

- I don't think that was the right context, Kyle.

- Yeah, you're right, guys I'm sorry if I made this an

unsafe space, that was never my intention.

Father, music?

- Remix!

(dubstep music)

- That's not what I mean.

- I know, but.

- Jonathan.

Welcome everyone to my murder mystery extravaganza.

I, Sir Wellington, will be your host for the evening

and you will be my honored victims.

I mean guests.

- Is this all of us, guvna?

- All except for Sir McFadden.

- Oh that's gonna be Brian, Brian's playing Sir McFadden.

(clamoring)

- Alright, alright.

So you're probably all wondering why I've gathered

you all here today.

- Because it's your birthday.

- But do not fret, all will be revealed soon.

But now for the first order of business.

We must all remember that it is the 19th century

so take any cell phones or magic talking boxes,

if you will, and place them in the bin before me.

- Oh my God, they're even dry?

- So what if we need our phones?

- You won't need your phones.

People in the 1800s survived perfectly well without them.

- Where will all these be?

- They'll be safe, don't you worry.

- Putting it on airplane mode.

- Thank you.

You may act only as your assigned characters

from here on out.

And now the sun is setting, the meal is prepared

so let us enjoy dinner.

- Well I mean I had a pretty big lunch.

(haunting music)

- You know and then I'm like hey, if you don't want me

to play bass for your reggae band that's totally fine

but you've got to understand modern music

will never be the same.

- Yeah yeah.

- Guys, characters please.

- Uh, in Scotland men don't wear anything

under their kilts so I'm being very, very

historically accurate right now.

- Oh wow.

- It's all out.

- Can anyone else up finish up these potatoes?

- Oh miss Erin, you don't have to do that,

I can help you with that.

- No, no I couldn't, Sir Wellington.

I am but a poor peasant, it is my duty to serve.

- Well Miss Erin you may proceed.

- I'll have some.

- You know for a potato famine party,

there's a lot of fricking potatoes.

- Thank you Beth, you can put that right in the sink.

- It is my honor.

- Uh, Mom.

- Please ma'am, may I have some more ice?

- Do you know what, the ice monger didn't come by today

so our cold closet is completely bereft of cold.

Am I doing this right, Cooper?

- Yeah, you're doing great, Mom.

- Our refrigerator's broken.

- Well bugger off then.

- Alright, the house is all yours.

I'll be back around 10 o'clock, okay?

- Okay.

- Oh and I set the timer on the lights

so the first blackout will be in about three minutes.

- You're the best.

- Okay goodbye everybody, have a fun night.

- [All] Goodnight.

- I hope nobody gets murdered.

(laughing)

- Alright, Father O'Reagan, it is time.

(dramatic music)

Ladies and gentlemen.

(tapping on glass)

- Everyone, I would like to make a toast to Cooper

for planning such an awesome party, cheers.

- [All] Cheers.

(dramatic music)

- Ladies and gentlemen, you're probably wondering

why I've gathered you all here today.

- Because it's your birthday.

- You are so right.

And your hands are so strong.

You have really nice teeth.

- Each and every one of you has, in one way or another,

been affected by the terrible Irish potato famine.

- 50 shades of grey.

- Oh no no no, that's not mine, that's not mine.

No no no no no.

That was weird, right.

(dramatic music)

- Well, what if I were to tell you

that there was someone at this table

who was responsible for bringing the potato blight

into Ireland and instigating this horrid tragedy?

- Show him to me!

- It's the British!

- But actually England did force Ireland to just export

dozens of boatloads of potatoes a day.

Most people think the blight was responsible

for the famine, but modern scholars really call it

a genocide.

- I am never going to laugh at the Irish potato famine

ever again, I'm gonna change.

- Anyway, one of you is still to blame.

- Please, Sir Wellington, tell us who it is.

- To tell you the truth, I don't know.

But I've been tipped off to gather you all here

to find the mysterious instigator

of the potato blight.

This is our goal for the evening,

to solve the mystery of the great potato famine.

(gasp)

And one more thing.

- What is it?

- The lights are a bit spotty so they're about

to go out right about now.

Any second.

- Are they still on?

- Now!

- What's going on?

- The lights are supposed to go off but they're not.

(screams)

(shouting)

(screams)

- Oh no, Miss Erin has been murdered!

He did it, he did it!

- Shut up.

- I was making an informed guess, Marcus.

See Lexi, you're not the only educated woman here.

- Oh.

- Guys, can you stand up please?

- Well there's a potato on the ground.

- That means she must have been.

What guys, what?

Hungry?

- I'm sorry, I'm just really confused right now.

- Hungover?

- Two letter word.

- Bludgeoned to death with a potato!

(screams)

- You gotta stop.

- So she was the one who was causing all of us hardships.

- Or maybe she knew the murderer and the madman,

he killed her before she could say anything.

- Or maybe she hit herself with a potato!

- Oh no, this has all gone wrong!

- What is it?

- Well I shouldn't say.

- Tell us, Cooper.

- Sir Wellington.

- Right, what?

- Sir Wellington.

- Right, Sir Wellington.

- Well, she was the one who told me to gather you all

here today!

- So it's her birthday!

- No, it means she knew who the murderer was

and has died because of it so if we find out

who was mysteriously linked to all the potatoes,

we find our murderer.

(laughs)

- Oh, we're gonna do that?

- Well, this is her house so what we have to do

we have to find clues.

- I have an idea that is both foolproof and original!

Let's split up!

- [All] Yeah!

- Really?

- Yeah.

(crickets chirping)

- Marcus, Marcus.

- Yes.

- What's your horoscope?

- I'm a Virgo.

- They don't have that, I'm sorry.

- What are you doing?

- I'm looking for clues, this is important.

There might be a code in the church directory.

Freedom of religion is one of our more cherished freedoms.

- You know, I could be at a real party right now,

with babes.

- We need to find clues!

In the Big Bear shopper!

- You find anything yet?

- Not yet, guvna.

- Please be careful with that.

- Righto, guvna.

- Lexi.

- Yeah?

- Poison from dinner is gonna start kicking in

so start acting a little sick and then after five minutes

drop dead.

- Got it.

- Cooper.

- Oh, you find anything yet?

- This is a really cool party.

- Really?

I mean I've been planning this thing

since like seventh grade, you know a long time,

and it was originally actually going to be

a medieval themed party but everybody does that

so I thought what theme party does no one do?

Like potato theme parties, right?

No one does.

Anytime.

I don't think anybody's done that ever.

(bright music)

You're excused for now.

- Well thank you Sir Wellington.

- Well, Miss Erin.

(laughing)

- Going well?

- Yeah it's going okay, everyone's doing

what they're supposed to be doing and right on schedule,

I think, a little behind but I think,

I just think people think this is stupid.

- No no no, Cooper, it's not stupid.

- Really?

- Well.

Just a little bit.

- Beth, you can't joke about this.

- I'm just kidding, I'm seriously, seriously Coop

it's awesome, better than you even planned it.

- Yeah?

- Promise.

But you got a little something there on your cheek.

- Oh, you do too actually.

- Oh thank you, sorry, mashed potatoes.

(mumbling)

(laughing)

God I missed you.

- Yeah?

Me too.

- What happened this year?

- What do you mean?

- I mean I know you're not the best texter or anything

but you just haven't been around, you know.

Sorry, I just felt like last time we really

got to talk was over cafeteria food, you know?

- Yeah.

- Sorry, sorry, bad timing.

- No Beth, it's fine, just--

- It's your party right now, it's your day, seriously,

I'm so sorry, sorry.

- Beth, hey, I'm really glad to see you.

Like supes glad.

- Supes glad?

- Oh, supes glad.

- Oh yeah.

(laughing)

(screams)

- Alright, come on, you're my main homie.

Looks like we got another half-hearted murder.

- Uh oh.

Main homie.

- Oh no, there's been another murder, come quick!

- I've been killed.

(screaming)

- Guys?

The next murder's not supposed to happen yet.

Guys?

Lexi, just stay dead.

- Okay.

(suspenseful music)

- What is going on, guys?

- Dude sweet blood effects, bro.

- Yeah this gore, this is the best effect yet.

- Beth, Beth?

Oh God, what happened guys?

- It's a classic murder!

Here we are, Cooper.

- Sherlock Holmes.

- Look at how she loves this kind of stuff.

- Wake up.

- Beth, Beth, talk to me, talk to me Beth.

Guys what do I do?

I didn't plan any of this?

- Give her mouth to mouth.

- Does that actually work?

(clamoring)

(screaming)

(cheering)

Okay, this isn't working.

Someone call 911!

- It's like Sleeping Beauty.

- Somebody call 911!

- Oh yeah, that's a perfect idea if we still had

our phones, Sir Wellingtush.

- Yeah, we don't know what telephones are even.

- Yeah I'm blind, I can't use a phone.

- Guys, stop messing around!

She's actually in trouble!

- Wait are you saying this is for rizzle reals?

- Yes I'm being for rizzle reals!

Can you help me out?

- Brian would know what to do.

Let's call Brian.

- This is getting to be too much for me.

- Somebody get her help!

- I'm leaving.

(screaming)

- Lexi?

What's going on?

(mumbling)

It's not my fault, I didn't plan this!

- This is the worst cabbage ever.

- What is going on?

(dramatic music)

Lexi?

Lexi?

- Come on come on come on.

- What, what is it?

- Oh God.

- What is it?

- She's dead!

- Check her pulse!

- No, she's like really dead.

- What is that?

- That's a potato peeler.

- Okay I'll be a minute.

Oh no.

Oh my God!

- Someone outside is trying to murder us!

- Barricade the room!

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(shouts)

- How did this party go downhill so quickly?

- Whoa, Regina, where did you get that potato cannon?

- What potato cannon?

(shouting)

- Okay Kyle, make her stop!

She's been rehearsing for weeks, there's nothing I can do.

- You guys please stop right now,

we need to figure out what is going on.

- Lexi's still outside, I have to go get her.

- No no, not with a bloodthirsty killer.

- She was pretty dead.

- You know and I just barricaded the door

so if you couldn't mess that up that'd be grand.

- Are we sure the killer's outside?

- He had to have been.

- But Beth was killed inside though.

- The window by the table was open.

- The killer must have a sniper rifle!

(screaming)

- No no no, there was no bullet wound.

The killer must have thrown something.

- Unless the killer's still inside the house.

- Okay I swear if we just barricaded ourselves inside

with the killer--

- No don't worry, the doors are all locked.

- I don't want to be that guy but has anyone else

considered that this might be the work of ghosts?

- It's not ghosts!

- Don't discredit ghosts!

- I'm with you dude.

- We're not actually serious about this right now, are we?

- Hey, you don't know if ghosts are real, do you?

- No.

- And you don't look like a ghost to me

so you can't say.

Plus I just saw an entire documentary on ghosts

on the History Channel and that stuff was like

really inconclusive and spooky.

- Cooper?

Where are you going?

- I'm going to get the phones.

- What?

- I left the phones in the back room.

- You can't go alone.

- Yeah, the rest of the house isn't even

boarded up yet.

- Well then we'll go as a group.

Who's with me?

- Ever since the reggae-- (murmuring)

- Look it's two hallways away.

- Let's split up!

- Yeah!

- No, Kyle, no!

We're going as a group.

- Oh phooey.

(suspenseful music)

- Ow!

- She's been shot!

- Her blood is on my hands!

- I wasn't shot, someone just stepped on my foot.

- Oh, that was me, sorry.

- Oh no.

- What is it?

- The phones.

- What?

- The phones are gone!

- Are you sure?

- Why don't you just take a look for yourself?

- Oh that's a great idea!

Oh wait I can't because I'm blind!

- I swear to god.

- Maybe your mom took them.

- No I left the phones right here on the bed.

- Actually turns out to be ghosts--

- Okay we're going back to the living room.

- What about land lines?

- Who owns land lines anymore?

- Not this house.

- I've got it!

Let's send a distress email!

- You're kidding, right?

- No.

- Okay damnit, that didn't work either.

- What?

- I don't know the wifi password,

this is my uncle's cabin.

- What's a wifi?

- Try password.

- Yeah, try password!

- Nobody actually uses password as their password.

- Yeah of course, idiot.

- Okay password didn't work either.

Any other suggestions?

- Try red panda 42.

- Why?

- That's the password I use for everything.

- Why would it be your password?

- I don't know, I'm trying to help,

I don't see you coming up with anything.

- Great, this isn't working, I'm going.

- Can't we just leave?

- Not with a psycho killer on the loose.

- Or a psycho ghost.

- Could you quit it with the ghost?

- When the ghosts quit it with us!

- Nice!

- Cooper, I am not stepping a foot out of this house.

- Agreed.

- Guys, we need to get her something,

she's not looking good.

- Look, Coop, it's not like I want Lexi or Beth

to be dead 'cause I don't, alright, but you know

no pulse means dead, like dead dead.

- Well I'm gonna get her something.

- What are you gonna get her?

- I don't know!

Ice or bandages or something?

- Oh yeah, put ice and bandaids on that massive

head wound, see if that fixes anything.

- We should give a whiskey for the pain

and then bleed her with the leeches

until she recovers.

- Cooper, I really don't think that's gonna do anything.

- Well I'm not just gonna sit here.

Who's coming with me?

Alright then.

- Screw it, I'm coming with you.

- Yeah, me too guvna.

- But if I die, Cooper, I'm gonna be real pissed, man.

Like I'm gonna be really pissed at you.

- So, did you and Beth ever, you know?

- What, what, what?

- The funky chicken.

- Jonathan, what are you talking about?

- The slippery twister, the baby oil waterslide.

- What?

- The sex!

- Jonathan, shut up!

- Oh, you did, didn't you?

Nice, nice, nice!

- No!

We didn't do it.

- Well you just missed a ticket to the bang train.

- All aboard, there's room in the caboose!

Nice, nice.

- So why didn't you do it?

- Jonathan, we're not talking about this right now.

- Oh, you were friend zoned, huh bro?

Yeah.

- No, no, I wasn't friend zoned.

- Oh you friend zoned her, huh?

Nice!

- Nice.

- There's nothing useful in here!

We're getting ice now.

- I'm trapped in a box, I am trapped in a box!

I'm not trapped in a box.

- It's still broken.

- Oh I know the story.

Beth was crushing on you real hard like

and you got scared and pushed her away.

Happens to everybody.

Well, except me, 'cause, you know, I bang.

- I bang.

Into things.

- That's good, me too.

- You fill it up.

- Don't get mad 'cause you can't even bang

ice out of a fridge!

Boom!

(suspenseful music)

- Get away from her!

- What?

- Get away from Beth!

- I was just checking her pulse, chill.

- Hey, I'm not a doctor so don't treat me like

I'm a real doctor but she is dead, Coop.

- Back up, everyone against the couch now!

- Hey, whoa!

- Which one of you did it?

- What?

- Which one of you did it?

- What are you talking about?

- Which one of you killed Beth?

- Coop, you're not thinking straight.

Have a potato.

- Explain this!

- Oh you already have one, good, eat it.

- Get that away from me, I'm getting hives

just looking at it.

- Is that a bloodstained fruit?

- Potato isn't a fruit, it's a tuberous vegetable.

- But doesn't it have seeds like a fruit?

- No no no, potatoes don't have seeds.

- Oh, I was thinking about pumpkin.

- Why were you thinking of pumpkins?

- I don't know, we got ghosts, we got bedsheets,

we got Halloween, I was thinking about

Nightmare Before Christmas and then I thought about

Tim Burton then I thought about smart cars for some reason

and then I thought about butternut squash and pumpkins!

- Guys!

Please, I found it!

- What are you talking about?

- I found the murder weapon!

- Okay, just so I'm clear.

Are you suggesting that someone killed Beth

with a potato?

- It's not a potato, it's a replica I bought

in an antique store, it's made of wood.

- Okay so wait just to be clear, you go antiquing?

(laughs)

- There is no killer outside.

- But that means whoever killed Beth--

- Also has an antique wooden potato!

- Yeah!

- No, it means the killer is one of us.

- [All] Oh.

(dramatic music)

- It's a nice day out.

- You're not blind!

- Yes I am!

- How many fingers am I holding up?

Oh.

- That was dumb.

- Shut up.

- Okay, is anyone else dead?

- Okay we got one dead friend outside

and one dead friend inside so we're okay.

- Oh God!

- What, what is it?

(creepy music)

- Cooper did it!

- He was closest to the sheet.

- Yeah and you say stuff like shall.

- That's not even my handwriting.

- You lie!

- Why would I want to kill my own best friend?

- Lust, greed, you're mad about cassettes

going out of style, you're sad in general

'cause you read an Edgar Allen Poe poem today

and it made you feel things.

- You brought all of us here to slaughter us, didn't you?

Huh, didn't you?

- No, I didn't kill anybody.

- And you were the only one who knew her.

- What, no!

Marcus and Jess knew her too.

- What? - What?

- What?

- How long you known her for, bro?

- We went to high school together.

- Yeah Marcus used to sell weed in high school.

- Used to?

- Nice.

- Nice.

- Anyway when Beth found out she turned him in

and it went on his permanent record

and he couldn't get into college

so he had to take a gap year.

- So?

Doesn't mean that I killed the girl.

- Nobody else had a motive though.

- Oh please, you didn't like Beth either.

- Alright.

- Excuse me?

- Guys, just look at her cosplay,

she's like weird and crazy.

- Screw you!

- Screw me, you been trying to screw Coop since high school.

You and Beth have been fighting about him for years.

- What?

- This is ridiculous.

Cooper's alright but come on.

- The speech at dinner, it's obvious, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, even I saw it.

- And Beth tried to get like a scoop of Coop soup

for years now.

- See.

- What?

- What, you couldn't tell that both of them

have been trying to bang you?

- We're moving on, okay?

- You're friend zoning them man, you're friend zoning.

- No, we're not talking about this.

- Friend zoning them, is that what you're doing?

- Okay, okay, we're moving on.

- Yeah you'd like that wouldn't you, you murderer?

- I didn't kill her!

- Than who?

- You did! - Who did?

- You did! - Oh I did?

- Yeah.

When we were split up Jonathan said something about

how he wanted Beth dead.

- Well that's just a big fat fib,

that's what that is.

- And he was telling me something about

how he met Beth before,

something about a crazy spring fling

and how she broke his heart or something.

- Is that true?

- Come on, she's crazy.

Yeah alright I did kinda know her but I never said

I wanted her dead.

- Jonathan, why didn't you tell me anything?

- That was six years ago, come on man!

- Well he told me he still cries about it.

- You know what, there's some really stupid stigma

about men crying, it's okay.

- It was him!

- You guys really think it was me, huh?

Well you know what?

I'm the fun one!

Hold on, let me just.

(crazy sputtering)

- Well he lied about this.

What else is he lying about?

- What about our friendship, John?

Was that all a lie too?

- Oh Kyle.

- Don't touch me!

- You were the one who hit Beth over the head

with the potato, you were the one who stole the phones

while everyone was searching the rooms,

and you killed Lexi because she was trying to escape.

Get him!

- I didn't say I wanted her dead

or any of those other things, God, I just wish

that the lights would turn off right now, right?

(dramatic music)

- Hey!

- Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

- He knocked me over!

- Everyone, let's split up!

(shouting)

- It's okay, I got upstairs.

- Okay.

- Anyone found him yet?

(moves to upbeat electronic music)

- Oh God, oh, um, I found him!

Oh God.

(moves to somber music)

- Coming!

What is it?

What happened?

(vomiting)

- I wish Brian was here.

- Oh, I miss Brian.

- Will you guys focus up, please?

- I think I'm okay.

(vomiting)

- How does this work?

- What you never built a potato battery before?

- All you gotta do is get some potatoes,

get some copper wire, intertwine it--

- There's a car battery in there.

- Fine, that kills people too.

- Why did Jonathan have to die?

He was so much cooler than Marcus.

Sorry, I didn't know you were here, forget that.

- It was her!

She's the one!

- Hey you know, why were you so adamant

about him being the murderer?

- Because he's the murderer!

- Yeah right, he electrocuted himself and died

to cast suspicion on us?

Idiot.

- Look Johnathan would never plot to kill anybody, okay?

- Yeah she did it to put suspicion elsewhere.

- Told you she was crazy.

- Let's not accuse anybody right now, okay?

- You can't just pretend to die,

we have to talk about this.

- Nice.

- Please stop.

- This is just embarrassing.

- This is like a bad community theater rendition

of The Crucible.

- Nice.

(shouting)

(dramatic music)

- Yeah, I want to see her melt.

- You can't, you're blind.

- Damnit.

- Marcus, can you help me out here?

- No, she ate potatoes.

- Kyle, could you get the other side?

- I guess.

- Alright we're going to go to the kitchen

and if anybody tries to leave or stop us

we'll know you're the murderer, alright?

Let's go.

- Here we go.

Somebody get her some water.

Jess, can you hear me?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Talk to me Jess, talk to me.

Okay I think she's trying to say something,

what are you trying to say?

What are you saying?

- She's saying potato!

- The punching bag.

- Pa-Pa-Puddle!

- Putter.

- Potatoes!

- Putt putt golfing!

- Punk rock. - Potatoes!

- Potassium, get her a banana!

- Potatoes!

- Kyle, it's not potatoes, she would have said so by now.

- It's potatoes!

Jess, is it potatoes?

- Potatoes.

- Oh!

Yes!

- Jess?

Jess?

- Well is anyone else getting a little numb

to all this death?

- Damnit!

(clattering)

(shouts)

- I guess not.

- Beth.

- I think he's really cracked this time.

- Righto, too true.

- Banana?

- You need to talk to me 'cause I'm ready now

so wake up.

Please, I know we didn't finish that conversation

and I really need, just say something.

Just talk to me.

(gentle music)

Come on Beth, wake up, wake up, wake up.

Get up.

Come on, come on Beth!

- Coop.

- What, what?

What is it?

- You're gonna want to see this.

(moves to suspenseful music)

- What do you see?

- What's (mumbles)?

- No, get that away from me, and it's solanine.

- What's Slytherin?

- It's solanine, it's the kind of thing

that makes nightshade very so deadly.

- So Jess, that was what killed her.

- Yes, exactly.

- How do you know so much about sodomy?

- Solanine, it's the kind of thing you know about

with a potato allergy.

- What does that have to do with anything?

- It's what I'm allergic to.

- But it's poison, everyone's allergic to poison!

- Yeah but there's only small doses in potatoes

so it doesn't hurt like normal people

but if you concentrate it it can be really--

- Potatoes! - You want one?

- It's the link!

- No, it's a starch.

- No, to the murders.

- What?

- Jess was killed with a potato poison

and Beth, Beth was hit over the head with a potato

and Lexi had her throat slit with a potato peeler

and Jonathan was electrocuted with a potato battery!

- Car battery.

- Well it was wired to potatoes.

- So what?

- So maybe our killer has a weird tuberous vegetable fetish!

- Is that a thing?

- Oh, is that a thing?

Yes.

- No no no, don't you guys see?

If we find whoever's mysteriously linked to potatoes

we find our murderer.

- Oh, you're serious.

- Yeah, yeah, let's do that, that's cool.

- You know you two have been avoiding suspicion

this entire night and I don't like it.

- Hey, we've got nothing to hide.

- Ain't nothing but two honest blokes.

- Didn't your dad ever mention anything about Beth?

- What?

- How could you come to that conclusion?

- I mean he taught at her school.

- He got fired.

- At the end of the year.

- What, so he never said anything about her

being a student?

- Well yeah. - No.

- I mean no. - Maybe.

- Maybe. - Perchance.

- Uh oh.

- Alright so fine, he knew Beth,

she was in one of his math classes

and he liked her, he liked her so much

he gave her a B and brought her back to his office

and told her what she had to do to get an A.

- To Beth?

- And she reported him and everything went bad, man!

He got fired, my parents got divorced,

all 'cause she ratted him out!

- What?

Because she?

No, don't you realize this is his fault?

- Yeah, way to perpetuate rape culture, slut.

- Since when are you so socially conscious, Marcus?

- You could have told them anything

but you told them the truth.

- Well see, in the story he was a math teacher

but in reality he's a philosophy teacher.

They'll never know.

- Why are you friends with these freaks?

- Whoa.

- Okay, just because she ruined my dad's life

and my mom's life and my dad's mistress's life

and our second family's life does not mean

that we wanted to ruin her life!

- Yeah!

- We didn't want to kill her!

- Yeah, they definitely did.

(dramatic music)

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

If we're pointing fingers here,

let me remind you that this is almost definitely

the work of ghosts.

(banging)

(doorbell ringing)

- It's the police!

(shouting)

- Move it!

- Boss, that's a real dead body outside.

- Oh we totally left her outside, didn't we?

- My love.

- Shut up, alright?

- Just be quiet!

Did you kids know there is a dead body outside?

- Oh yeah, they knew, just look at 'em, bunch of hoodlums.

- Come on, they don't look like hoodlums.

- Yeah they do, I know their type with their drugs

and videogames and bus passes and giving each other

piggyback rides and you know big ring pops

and toaster strudel that you buy sometimes

and yeah I know all about you hoodlums.

- That one, get up!

I didn't tell you to kneel, get up!

Alright now listen up, my name is Officer Cherry

this here is Officer York.

- Hi, you can call me Joe.

- Hi Joe.

- Now listen up.

What I need from you guys first and fore--

- It's a little drafty, maybe someone should close the door.

- Would you shut up?

Yeah it is a little drafty in here.

Alright, go, close the door.

Not everyone at once, what are you doing?

You, the dark haired boy!

What do you keep moving for?

- Be more specific, please.

- Alright just stop.

You the boy who--

- Oh, okay, I know where this is going.

- Yeah, I'm not good, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble

with this one again, what do I do?

- No, it's fine, just say it.

- The Mexican kid, you go.

- Nice.

- Boss!

- What?

It's not racist, it's descriptive.

- Oh yeah no, have the Mexican close the door, classic.

- You are closest.

- Now I get why cops get such a bad rap.

- Alright would you shut up?

Don't kneel again!

You're really trying me.

Alright, listen up.

This is what's going to happen, okay?

One by one, I want to talk to each and every one of you.

Is there anybody else in this house?

Are you gonna let me do this?

- Oh so sorry, sorry.

- Yeah can I?

Thank you.

Is there anyone else in the house?

- Living people?

- No, dead people!

- Yes.

- More living people?

- Dead people.

- Oh.

- How many?

- There's one in the garage, one in the kitchen,

and one here in the living room.

- This looks like a code red.

- That's not actually a thing I think.

- Alright listen up, this is what's gonna happen.

Alright, now listen to me.

We're gonna get down to some serious and comprehensive

police work and then we're going to find ourselves

a suspect, do you understand?

- Yes sir.

- Do I make myself clear?

- [All] Yes sir.

- Good, alright, now.

Which one of you did it?

(clamoring)

Quiet!

- What?

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Can I ask a couple questions?

- You know you really have to stop interrupting me.

- No I know, I just think I could really

get somewhere with these guys.

Come on, just give me a chance.

- Alright, but be quick.

- So, what grade are you guys in?

- Hold on one second, just give me a moment here.

Just talk to me for a minute.

Can we maybe try and ask them something

that's gonna give us some information,

something that might actually help?

- Oh yeah, yeah, gotcha.

(clears throat)

Why are you all wearing costumes?

- That's not a good one.

- Why does it smell like potatoes?

You kids like to party.

How'd I do?

- Perfect, alright so this is the way

we're gonna do it, alright?

We're all gonna take a sitdown at the table over there

and we're going to talk until we come up

with a solution.

Do you understand?

Nodding means yes.

Good, alright let's move.

Come on, yeah, get blindy, come on.

If you kneel down one more time.

What, you got bad knees?

I'm gonna give you something that's bad.

- Anyway so this just died and we found out

that these two, they hate Beth because she got their dad

fired from his teaching job.

- Hate is a really strong word.

- And then you two came in.

- Okay, okay look.

Now this is gonna sound totally out there

but have you guys considered that all this

may be due to ghosts?

- Yes, thank you!

(laughing)

(shouting)

Ghosts are real!

- What is this?

- That's a grand plan of my murder mystery party.

- Irish potato famine murder mystery party?

- Yeah, it's an awesome party idea.

- No.

Dress as your favorite Motown artist,

that's a good party idea.

- I love potatoes.

When I was little--

- Shut up!

What is that?

Oh look, look at this!

Apparently two more people are gonna be murdered.

- Wait what?

- Yeah you've got something in here labeled

the death order?

- No no no, that page is--

- First Beth died, then Lexi, then Jonathan,

then Jess, correct?

And it's all listed right here!

- What the hell, I didn't know!

(shouting)

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

You kids sure jump to conclusions awfully fast.

- Well of course he did it, he's the only one

who knew about that death order.

- Wait wait wait, I think I figured this whole thing out.

- Yeah?

- Yeah yeah, come here.

Okay.

This is a little weird, but (whispering).

- No, no!

Isn't that a Batman comic book?

- What?

- Just come here.

I'm gonna pull my gun out and then do some crazy cop shit.

- Oh yeah, okay, that's tricky.

(dramatic music)

- Alright you kids freeze, who did it?

- Oh I think it's pretty clear who did it.

(gun fires)

Oh crap, I shot Officer York!

(crying out)

And now I'm being attacked by a person

but I can't tell what size or gender!

- Finally the lights turn back on.

- They're not on.

- They will come back on though right?

- The system should reset any second now.

- Officer Cherry, Officer York.

- I think they're dead.

- You know what Marcus, I am kind of getting numb to it.

- Two cops are dead and this isn't a huge deal for you?

- I mean when you put it like that--

- Everybody stay away from me!

(doorbell rings)

- Oh god.

- Go away!

- Well maybe it's more help!

- Or just someone else to be killed.

- Maybe they'll just go away.

(doorbell rings)

- I guess not.

- Hey Cooper?

- Yeah?

- Who was supposed to die next in your plan?

- Oh God.

- Who?

- You're not gonna like this.

- Who?

- It's Brian!

- [All] Brian!

- Dope party, I like it!

- [All] No Brian, no!

(booming)

(crashing)

(dramatic music)

No!

- Cooper did it!

He's closest to the potato cannon.

- Oh no no no, that was a coincidence,

someone put that there!

- It was him who's been planning this whole thing

from the start.

- I didn't do anything, guys!

- Nobody else knew about your weirdly accurate death order.

- Yeah, those are fake deaths.

- You were the first one to find Jonathan dead!

- Yeah, and he who smelt it, dealt it.

- Kyle.

What?

- Oh god.

- What is it?

- He has me to die next.

- Marcus, no no no Marcus, those are fake deaths,

I'm not gonna do anything.

- Monster!

- No no, this is all a set up!

- Don't believe his lies.

- On your knees! - Against the wall!

- No no no, it was not me!

- We should kill him.

- Throw him in the gulag!

- Wait, I got it!

I got it.

Who's the one mysteriously linked to potatoes?

- Me?

- Marcus. - Oh.

- He's the one with the potato allergy,

if that's even a thing.

- Of course it is.

- And he's the one whose life got ruined by Beth.

- Oh shut up.

- Don't you see?

He's the one orchestrating everything,

he's the one killing everyone, not me!

- Hey you keep him away from me.

- Get back!

- No no no.

He wants you two to kill me for him,

then he doesn't take any of the blame.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is this even true?

- No!

- He says it's not true!

- Kyle, if you don't take a step back

I'm gonna punch you in the face.

- I'd rather we don't do that, Cooper.

- I didn't do any of this.

- Get back!

- I'm really sorry about that.

- Uh oh.

(dramatic music)

- I got him!

- Cooper, no!

- Let me get him, I'm gonna get him!

I'm gonna get him!

- Get off!

(screams)

- Come on, be done with you!

- I know where he is!

- You have to follow me blindly!

Get it, blindly!

(banging)

(shouting)

- Hey, (mumbles) Marcus?

Why are you doing this?

- I didn't do any of this!

- Look, you don't have to lie, I know it was you.

- Just stay away from me you fricking crazy creep.

- Marcus, what did I ever do to you?

- That's right, I don't know what you're talking about,

but I didn't do any of this!

- Well if you didn't do anything then who did?

- I don't know!

(dramatic music)

- Oh god.

Ghosts!

Beth?

(punches)

Beth.

- You know what's fascinating about the Irish potato famine?

How much the Irish liked potatoes.

- Beth, what?

- I mean it was common for lower class families

to eat 14 pounds of spuds every single day, every day.

These families learned to live off of nothing more

than potatoes and milk.

The funny thing is slowly but surely Ireland learned

to live off of the potato, even love it.

But then you take it away and they die.

(dramatic music)

I've loved you, Cooper Wright, for a really long time.

I've wanted to spend every moment with you.

But then college happened and you fell off

the face of the earth, I tried to talk to you,

I tried to see you, but you were gone.

- Okay what does this have to do with potatoes?

- You killed me, Cooper.

You were my nourishment and you were gone.

You have no idea what that did to me.

- Beth, Beth, look I didn't mean to hurt you, I promise.

- But you did.

And nothing can change that.

- You know I can't help but feel like this whole

potato metaphor is kind of forced.

- Beth, look at me, okay.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?

I don't know what you're going through

but whatever it is you're thinking of doing, don't do it.

- That just means nothing.

- Beth, look at me.

(dramatic music)

Look at me Beth, killing anyone else

doesn't solve anything.

- Oh, but it does.

- No, no it does not.

- You would know, murderer.

- Marcus!

Oh my god, Marcus, Marcus.

(muffled shouting)

No no no, I'm trying to help him!

- You sick bastard!

- Quick, get a chair!

- Okay, I got it.

- No, that's not a chair.

- What, it's not?

Okay, I got it.

- Not one that reclines, we don't want him to be

happy tied up.

Nevermind, let me do this.

- I didn't do it, I swear!

- Yeah then why'd you punch me in the face?

- It was all Beth guys, she was the one

behind all this!

- Yeah, blame the dead girl.

- Classic that.

- No, she was trying to manipulate you guys to kill me,

it was all a set up to frame me!

- That's a likely story, it is!

- I'm telling the truth, ask Marcus!

- We would ask him if he wasn't dead!

(dramatic music)

There, on the floor!

- Oh god, I swear to god, I did not do it!

- Yeah? Prove it.

- Solve it.

- What?

- Solve the murder!

- Solve who did it!

You solve it!

- Come on! - Figure it out!

- Wait, wait, wait!

I've got it.

I've got it.

(dramatic music)

(distorted voices)

- How did this party go downhill so quickly?

- Well maybe she hit herself with the potato.

- Talk to me Beth.

(screaming)

- Lexi?

- Check her pulse.

- She's really dead.

- Oh my god!

- We just barricaded ourselves inside with the killer.

- Cooper did it.

- Yeah he was closest to the sheet.

- Yeah and he (mumbles).

- No, that's not even my handwriting.

- I didn't kill her!

- Then who?

- I'm the fun one!

- Is anyone else getting numb to all this death?

- You know Marcus I am kind of getting numb to it.

(mumbles)

- First blackout, I know.

- Potatoes!

It's the link!

- Solanine.

- Won't anyone help us finish up these potatoes?

- Two more people are gonna be murdered.

(distorted voices)

- It's Brian!

- Don't you see, if we find whoever's mysteriously linked

to potatoes, we find our murderer.

(distorted voices)

- Do you guys believe me?

What, what did I miss?

(dramatic music)

- [All] Surprise! (party horns)

(laughing)

* Happy happy birthday

* From all of us to you

* We wish it was our birthday

* So we could party too hey

- What?

- Surprise!

- No, what are you talking about?

- It's a surprise!

- No no no Lexi, Lexi, your throat.

- Oh no.

- Jonathan?

- Nah bro.

- So who's dead?

- No one's dead, Coop.

- How?

- Well we all had a little hand in it.

- Oh, don't be modest.

- It was all Beth.

- The cops?

- I'm Frank, this is Harry.

- Hi, I'm an old family friend.

Harry and me work down at the Grand City Theater Company.

- What?

- Yeah, I know it's hard to believe but trust me

we are both classically trained actors.

- I have a business card if you need anything.

- Harry, Harry, not now, not now.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Mom, Mom, you knew about this?

- Of course.

When Beth called me up with this great idea I figured

why not?

Coop?

Coop?

(knocking)

- Cooper, Coop, I'm so sorry, I promise, I promise

I didn't mean to hurt you or scare you like that,

seriously, it's just you've been planning this for so long

and I wanted to make it perfect for you--

- Beth.

- Cooper, I'm so sorry.

- I thought you were dead.

Beth, I thought you were all dead.

- Ta da.

- What was it?

- What?

- That you wanted to talk to me about?

- No, Coop, don't worry about it,

we can talk about it later.

- Beth, I thought I'd never get a chance to talk about

it again.

- I really love you Cooper and it hurts so much

not to have you there.

What were you gonna say?

- What are you talking about?

- You know, over my dead body?

- College was really hard, Beth, without you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can be apart from you like that.

I don't want us to be like that.

- Me either.

- So how'd you do it?

How did you pull this off?

- Well it wasn't easy, that's for sure.

Lots of rehearsals.

- Yeah, and no one hates you?

- No no no, we're all good.

- And Kyle and Regina's dad?

- Oh he's totally sweet, I know,

that was pretty sick, sorry.

- And Marcus?

- We're good, seriously, the punch was fake,

we practiced that, don't worry.

(laughs)

- This has got to be the weirdest birthday present

I've ever heard of.

(soft music)

Thank you, Beth.

- You're welcome Coop, I mean it was no big deal,

seriously, everyone had their part in it, it---

- I did not expect the night to end that way at all.

- Me neither, and I planned this.

(laughing)

- We should probably get back inside.

- I want some cake.

- That sounds pretty good right now, come on.

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to let you all know that tonight

was by far the most traumatizing thing I have ever

experienced and probably ever will

and while some physical damage was done both to me

and the house, I think it's nothing compared to the

emotional damage that I've been caused.

That being said, what you guys did tonight

was nothing short of amazing.

I've been planning this thing for five years

and you guys pulled it off in a couple of weeks

and it's better than anything

I could have ever imagined so thank you and I'm so sorry

for accusing any of you of murder because you are all

incredible people so thank you and Kyle,

I'm so sorry for punching you in the face.

- You are really strong.

- He liked it.

- And Brian, I'm so glad you're not dead.

- Hey, it's Brian, am I right?

- [All] Brian!

- Alright, let's go eat some cake.

- So Coop, do you want to know how we did it all?

- You know what?

I think I got this.

(exciting electronic music)

- Right on Oak.

- Right on Oak.

- I hope nobody gets murdered.