Original subtitles

[Pineapple's "Fantasy"]

[upbeat music]

♪ Skyline, danger zone, all the lights are on ♪

♪ You hear the sonic boom, I'm already gone ♪

♪ I fly blind like a drone, I'm here to spy ♪

Look out, world.

I have arrived.

♪

- 25 quid. - Oh.

I've got two.

That'll get you this.

[cash register chimes]

No money, no ride.

Just get me to my house.

There's money there, and I can...

Out!

♪

Can I ask what your business is?

I reckon you're selling something

if you came all the way out this way.

I came from over there.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I'm glad the owner finally got a housekeeper.

If you've got reasonable rates,

me and the missus could use a hand at ours.

I've a collection of Bethany fixtures,

which need constant dusting.

What's your name, sir?

Robert Truss from number 220.

[barks]

Well, Robert,

I'm not the help.

I live here.

We're neighbors.

- [barks] - [laughs]

That's a good one, yes.

Oh, you're serious.

But that can't be. I mean, you living

in an upstanding community such as this.

You don't know anything about me.

I know the kind of people who do live here,

and you are not the type.

Oh, really?

So what type am I, exactly?

What about me doesn't fit in with you upstanding residents?

- Is it because I'm tall? - Ah.

Or female? Or Black?

You stay back.

And I'll not be threatened this way

in my own neighborhood.

And I won't be treated like a criminal in mine.

[barks]

[dramatic music]

Oh, there you are.

I have got a list of things I need you to fix,

starting with punishing your racist neighbor.

You'll have to be more specific, love,

and I'm on the clock.

I got a bloke in an alien costume

with another alien inside him,

and I gotta prep my gut for a purging spell.

♪

[exhales sharply]

[portal buzzing]

[thunder rumbling]

♪

[exciting music]

♪

- [screaming] - [sighs]

[soft music]

[sighs] Dammit.

[portal buzzing]

Please get me out of this meat-fumed atrocity.

Oh, what do you mean?

You mean you don't want any special sauce

- with that big, bad burger? - Hold it right there.

- Oh, hi. - Oh, hey, girl.

Hey.

John, where's your washing machine?

I don't need one.

You see, my clothes are bewitched

to clean themselves whenever they see fit.

Mm, your clothes have thoughts.

- Yeah. - That's kind of hot.

Creepy.

I also need the internet.

Yes, the internet.

I will get right to that.

I will whip up a spell in no time.

I just... I've got to get...

- John. - Something with... yeah.

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

[alarm blaring]

♪

♪ Fire is coming

[screaming]

You and your empty promises, John.

Yes, I am a U.S. citizen,

but my mother was from Northumberland,

so I'm practically a local.

My background check says I'm only 15?

Okay, yeah, that's because I spent my adolescence

in another dimension where time works differently, so...

[line clicks]

Hello?

[alarm blaring]

♪

[alarm blaring] [groans]

[alarm blaring]

♪

[pipes rumble]

- Oh! - [whimpering]

[portal buzzing] Oh, God.

Oh, good, you're back. I need you to fix

the kitchen sink and... What are you wearing?

Have you seen my emergency pack of smokes?

I knew that I left them here somewhere.

No... I still need the internet,

and a job, and food apparently.

Living topside takes work, love.

But you do everything with magic.

Which is work!

Bollocks!

[chants in Japanese]

There you are.

Thank you.

How about a spell to fix the sink?

Oh, come on, you have got to be kidding me!

You try getting a job

when your last employers were the Triumvirate of Hell.

Just give me my power back,

or I will have your blood drained

to fill my swimming pool.

[groans]

I miss my blood pool.

[soft music]

Sterling silver.

♪

European enamelware.

Hundred-year-old designer luggage, okay.

Huh, Bethany table lamp.

♪

Sorry I never learned to read music like you, Mom.

My, how the mighty have fallen.

Hello?

[dramatic music]

Who said that?

Back right corner, my lady.

Further right. Almost there.

And now you've got it.

♪

Who are you?

Aleister Crowley, at your service.

But enough about me.

My concern is for you, dear girl.

What's become of the notorious Astra Logue?

You know who I am?

Of course I do.

You're the woman who clawed her way

to the tops of Tartarus.

Looks like you've discovered the hard way

that you can't take that power with you, eh?

In some ways, it's easier in Hell

because there aren't any rules, but here, there are so many,

and following them isn't getting me anywhere.

It's... humiliating.

A powerful queen has become a helpless princess,

and Hell is lesser for it.

Look who's talking.

A renowned warlock, Satanist, and alien enthusiast

trapped in a portrait.

[laughs] Touché, my lady.

That scoundrel John Constantine summoned me from Hell

to learn my secrets,

and when he was done with me, he banished me

into this blasted painting and tossed me

into this rubbish heap.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

John made me promise to give living

like a normal human being an honest go,

but he did not prepare me for how hard it would be up here.

This house is falling apart. I am completely broke.

I don't know how to fix any of it.

Master Constantine has neutered us both, hasn't he?

But your predicament is easily rectified.

A simple set of spells will give you the power

to change things around here.

I can teach you how, if you'd like.

You're offering to teach me magic?

It would be my greatest honor.

[tense music]

The infamous Sara Lance.

I've been waiting a long time for you.

So you must be the all-powerful

space lord behind all this.

When you put it that way, I sound like a super-villain.

Such a bummer. Not at all my speed.

Oh! [Funky music]

[chuckles]

[voice distorting] But I have been waiting

a long time to meet you, Sara.

Is it okay if I call you that?

I feel like I've known you my whole life,

like we're old friends, simpatico,

dancing to the same drummer.

Who the hell are you?

My name is Bishop,

but that means literally nothing, right?

You've never heard of me.

There's no context for that label whatsoever, but

♪ who am I to you?

- [grunts] - Ooh.

You were stung by a Zaguron.

Its venom has almost reached your heart.

You've got about ten seconds before it's lights out.

You'll have come all this way for nothing,

and you'll die with no answers as to why.

So... ♪ Who am I to you?

I'm the man who's going to save all of humanity,

starting with you and this antidote.

[dramatic music]

Five, four, three...

♪ To you, to you

♪ And to this great big universe ♪

[echoing] ♪ We're spiraling through

[tense music]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, no, no, don't struggle.

Your muscles need time to adjust.

What is this stuff?

Medicine to vitalize your organs.

The transition can be tough.

Bishop saved your life.

I don't want anything from him.

Get me out of here.

How's our patient this morning, Nurse Ava?

Pissed off and calculating the different ways

she can kill you.

- Back to her old self. - Perfect.

I've got the presentation all ready for her.

Let me go.

But you haven't even seen the pitch yet.

A/V Ava worked on it for days.

She'll be crushed if you don't give it

even just a little peek.

[sweeping music]

Our planet was perfection.

It had everything carbon-based life-forms needed

to coexist in harmony with nature

and each other,

but humanity would not be satisfied.

Human greed destroyed Earth

and all who lived there.

Everyone perished,

except for one man...

[angelic music]

Me.

As a pioneer in bio-engineering,

the founder of A.V.A. Corp., and the designer-creator

of the AVA clone, I alone have the knowledge

and means to restart humanity

in the stars!

[fireworks whistle] [noisemaker trumpets]

The problem with Earth wasn't its finite resources.

The problem was man,

which is why I am creating a new version of mankind,

one with a body that can withstand the harsh conditions

of our new home

and with a spirit to adapt and thrive

under any circumstance.

That is a terrible plan.

You can't save humanity by creating a bunch

of monster people like Amelia Earhart.

No one gets it right out of the gate, okay?

But I have perfected a process

of enhancing human capabilities

by adding extraterrestrial DNA.

I just needed the raw materials to work with.

That was what was in those other pods,

and that's why you kidnapped me,

to be raw material?

Well, if that's the case, then here you go.

There's your raw material. Now take me home.

Eugh, don't sell yourself so short, sweet cheeks.

You're here to be my partner.

[dramatic music]

These new humans need to be taught

to have a fighter's spirit.

That's where you come in, Sara Lance.

You want me to teach your hybrids to be badasses,

to be their trainer?

Who better to imbue those qualities

than you, the woman who can't be killed?

There you go.

I know it's a lot to take in, sweetie.

Don't call me that, ever.

Right, because of the bossy Ava

you were attached to back on Earth?

She is not "bossy Ava."

She's Ava, and she's human,

and she has her own thoughts.

Aww.

You may believe that, but all Avas have affinities

and weaknesses that I built into their genetic blueprint.

Hey.

You found and fell in love

with one of my greatest accomplishments.

It's as though the universe knew to bring us together.

- You're a sick son of a bitch. - Think about my offer.

We've got all 15 seasons of "Wynonna Earp"

all cued up for you, so...

♪ Take all the time you need

Season two's my favorite.

[Jill Andrews' "Tell That Devil"]

Here you go.

♪ 'Cause I gave you all I got to give ♪

♪ I know that ain't no way to... ♪

Transformation is the most vital cornerstone

of the dark arts.

To do this spell, twist your wrist

in the direction of the object,

and visualize what you want your object to change into.

A little more fluid. That's almost it.

- Try again. - Just tell me the damn words.

[clears throat] Permuto!

[mysterious music]

Permuto.

My stars!

You're a natural.

Well, my mother was a powerful witch.

Well, you've made her proud, dear girl.

Smashing job.

But that was an easy one.

You know, "permuto" has several meanings in Latin.

One is to transform,

but the other is to exchange.

If you provided an able body

with whom I could change places,

I'd be able to teach you with greater expediency.

So some poor fellow would be trapped in the painting,

and you'd have a body you could use to stab me in the back.

Nice try.

I wouldn't dream of it.

I promise the spell is easy to do and easy to undo

if you so wish.

So it's the same spell, just a different intention.

If I could nod, that's what I'd be doing right now.

All we need is a body for me to borrow.

[portal buzzing]

Astra, you home, love?

What's all this?

What the hell is he doing down here?

I'm teaching this brilliant young lady how to use magic.

It's like you said, John.

Life topside takes work, and this is me getting to it.

Magic is a slippery slope, all right, love?

Your mother knew that,

and that's why she got out of it.

I mean, she left me

because I wouldn't give it up.

She wouldn't want this for you, all right?

You don't get to speak for her

or tell me how to live my life.

Well, you are in my home, aren't you?

Okay, so now this is your house.

I mean, how about when it was falling apart

and the bills weren't being paid?

Was it your house then, too?

God, you are such an insufferable hypocrite.

She's got you there, old chap.

Sneaky old bastard, preying on her desperation.

- [grunts] - Whose fault was that?

- You vile old snake. - I should've locked you

in the cellar where no one could've found you.

- Put him down. - You going on about all your...

- That's enough! - Put him down.

- And all of your... - Permuto!

What the bloody hell?

My word. It actually worked.

Brilliant job, dear girl.

Astra, put us back.

Permuto!

- Oh, damn. - [laughs]

Easy to do, easy to undo.

- Oh, Astra, don't... - Permuto!

Oh. Mm.

Astra.

389