Original subtitles

(dramatic trumpet music)

- Quick.

March.

("Bless 'Em All" by George Formby Jr.)

♪ Bless 'em all ♪ ♪ Bless 'em all ♪

♪ The long and the short all ♪

♪ Bless all those sergeants and WO1s ♪

♪ Bless all those corporals and their blinking sons ♪

♪ 'Cause we're saying goodbye to them all ♪

♪ And back to their billets they crawl ♪

♪ They'll get no promotion this side of the ocean ♪

♪ So cheer up, my lads ♪

♪ Bless 'em all ♪

(audience applauds and cheers)

- Ladies and gentlemen.

Speeches must not be allowed to interfere

with the real purpose of the evening.

- Oh yes!

- And there are only two things to do now.

To formally declare the Wortlebury Ex-Servicemen's Club

to be in being.

- Hear, hear.

- And long may it stay so.

- Long may it stay so.

- And to announce that the bar is now open.

(group cheers)

- Oh-ho!

Love from BFA!

- Skimpy, hello.

- Well done the old Jock, how are you?

All right?

All right mate?

- Yes, all right. - What no, kilt?

- I don't wear the kilt now.

Saves scrubbin' the knees.

- How are ya, Tommy?

- Hello Skimpy, how are you? - All right.

(women laughing)

Well how's the old woman, all right?

- All right, yes.

- Not so much as the old woman.

- Bit of a smasher isn't she, eh?

And to think I could have married her.

- Aren't you satisfied with me, Skimpy?

- No, I shouldn't have married a French girl anyway.

- Why not? - You know what they say

about the French girls?

They know all the answers.

Not half, they do.

- And what is the matter with a French wife?

- What is the matter with the French wife?

You see what I mean, don't you?

You take what I have for breakfast.

I say, "Dearie, can I have another cup of tea?"

And she says oui, oui.

and on Sunday I say, "Darling

"has the News of the World been delivered yet?"

Again she says oui, oui.

It's nothing but oui, oui all the time.

- Please don't.

And what about you and your back slang?

Get up the pears and apples.

(crowd laughs)

- Apples and pears.

And you wanna see us when we have a row.

She's, I suppose you have been to see dogs and gold skin.

And I say, now knock it girly

or I'll smack ya right across the kisser.

She says, oh no, mon cheri.

No, no, not on the kisser.

Well here we are, talkin' ourselves

and the jolly old bar's open.

- Yeah, come on. - Come and have a drink.

- Well, what were we waiting for?

- Yeah, so will I.

- Well folks, what are you goin' to have?

When Skimpy drinks, everybody drinks.

(crowd chuckles)

- Oh look at him now.

Look an impersonation

of a swallow. - Ooh, Skimpy.

- Skimpy!

- Lovely! (crowd laughs)

- Here!

When Skimpy pays, everybody pays.

- Oh, Skimpy. (group groans)

- Well, I feel another thirst coming on.

Cheers. - Good luck.

- Look, another one.

- That's Skimpy over there.

- Well I'll ask him then, that'll liven things up a bit.

- You're sore about me

but she yap, yap yaps all day long.

Do you know the other weekend

I took her down to the South End.

Do ya know, she came back, her tongue was sunburned.

(group laughs)

- Hello, Skimpy.

- Hi hi, how are ya mate? - Enjoying yourself?

- All right, mate? - I sure am.

- I don't have to call ya sir now, do I?

- No, you don't.

- Do you remember on the parade ground

you used to go like that?

You know I used to, like that.

(men laugh)

- Skimpy, I hear you did a lotta good shows during the war.

Well, what about giving us a turn now, eh?

- Oh yes, come on. (group chatters)

I'll tell ya what, Skimpy.

Do that skit in the silent films.

- Oh yes. (group clamors)

- Oh no. - Oh yes.

- Come on. - All right, you wanna suffer?

- Yes. - Do it, come on.

- All right, I'll tell ya what I'll do.

I'll take ya back to the days of the silent films

and I'll give ya my idea of a man going inside

watchin' the films.

The days when we used to go for the pictures

eatin' fish 'n chips, apples, peanuts

plenty of that.

You remember the good old days of the silent films?

When a woman opened her mouth and said nothing?

(men laugh)

- Go on, Skimpy, yes.

- Come on.

(audience applauds)

- Oh look, he's eatin' fish 'n chips.

(audience laughs)

- Now he's paying to go into the cinema.

- He's opened the door, he's going inside.

(gentle piano music)

(suspenseful piano music)

(audience laughs)

(dramatic piano music)

(somber piano music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(bright piano music)

(pianist claps) (audience laughs)

(gentle piano music)

(audience applauds) (crowd chattering)

- Oh, boy oh boy, I miss that.

- Hey wait a minute, that's mine.

- All right, I've got one here for you.

- Ya know, I feel the old thirst coming back again, ya know.

- Sure, sure. - Yes, yes, I do, I do.

- Ooh look, another one.

- Oh. - Oh, Skimpy.

- Watch that go.

- Skimpy. - You know, looking back

they were great days, weren't they?

- Yeah! - Oh, they were great days.

- They were the good old days when we had fags

food and safety for 10.

Remember the old woman's money sent home every week.

No relaxing, was it?

- No, there wasn't. - You know, Skimpy

sometimes I wish I was back in the Army.

- Oh you do, do you?

- Yeah, sometimes I wish I was a fairy, sometimes.

- What is fairy?

- But you know, this get together brings it all back again.

- Yeah, do you remember the route marches, the cookhouse.

- And the washhouse.

- And the glasshouse.

- Oh, do remember the old estaminet?

- Do you remember top knock three times, ask for Fifi?

Water in the sergeant's beer?

- Yes, I remember.

- It was very funny the way we all joined up together

and kept together, the three of us, all through the war.

- Yes. - Find the olive!

♪ There is fun, fun, fun ♪

♪ Bang, bang, bang, bang, blow the farmer's gun ♪

♪ Run rabbit, run, run, run, run ♪

♪ Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run ♪

♪ By without his rabbit pie ♪

♪ Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run ♪

("Run, Rabbit, Run" by Flanagan and Allen)

(soldiers chattering)

- What are you up to, chum?

- I've got the measles.

- Measles?

- Yes, German measles.

- Oh. (chuckles) (soldiers chattering)

- You been in there? - Yeah.

- Did they pass ya? - Yeah.

- All of ya? - Yes.

- What do they do?

- Well, the MO looks in one ear

and the medical orderly looks in the other

and if they can't see each other, you're in. (chuckles)

- He's daft.

The MO just touches you

and if you're warm you're in.

- Come along, next batch, and quick about it.

Come on then, next batch.

- Here, I've always wanted to know.

(Jock laughs)

- This way.

Come on, come on, come on.

- McCarthy. - And yours.

- McGilly. - And yours.

- McGiny. - And yours.

- McFishery. - All you men got your papers?

- Yes, Sarge. - Put them over there.

Come on, come on, come on.

Step on up there, come on, pick that up.

How many of you? One, two, three, four.

All you men got your papers?

- Yes, Sarge!

- Well, stand over there.

Come on, come on, come on. (men grumbling)

Pick it up. - Sergeant Willis.

- Yes, Corporal?

- Sergeant, you got your paper?

- Yes.

- Well stand over there!

(men laugh)

- Why, you, come on.

Come here.

Come here!

Come here, come here.

Come here.

So, you're tryin' to make a fool of your sergeant, eh?

Well, I'll teach you that when you join the Army

you don't make a fool of your sergeant.

Look, when you're through here, I wanna see you

in the Sergeant's Mess.

- Oh, doctor, doctor.

Oh, doctor, doctor, I'm a sick man.

Honest, I am, doctor.

Oh, doctor, I've got water on the brain without the water.

I've got a permanent stuffed left ear hole.

I'm a sort of Mutton Jeff.

And what's more, doctor, I've got doorman's knees.

- What's doorman's knees?

- It's the same as housemaid's knees only with knobs.

Oh, I feel horrible.

- Here.

- Tastes horrible.

- Got your tea, sir.

- Put it on the desk.

What's that man up to?

- I don't know, sir.

- Huh, well if you're not dead, you ought to be.

Take him along to the mortuary.

- Oh no, no, no, not the mortuary.

I put it in the tea. - Yes, I know.

My grandfather tried that dodge in the Crimea.

Well, I'm gonna pass you A1 or I'm a Dutchman.

- Well, now you're gonna pass me A1, sir

I'd like you to do one thing for me.

- Oh, what's that?

- I'd like ya to send me straight over

to the front fighting line, and if I get wounded

I'd like ya to patch me up and send me back

straight into front fighting line again.

And if I get wounded again, I'd like to get me

well and strong and fit, and send me straight back

right to the front fighting line.

- Of course, you're really mad.

- Yeah, will ya put that down in writing?

- And what about me, sir?

Will ya pass me A1, too?

- That remains to be seen.

Strip.

And you.

- Oh, my bath night's not till Friday.

- Orderly, strip that man.

- Yes, sir.

- Stop!

This is assault and battery.

I'm still a free citizen, you know.

- Yes, but not for long.

(Skimpy laughing) (bright music)

♪ We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ Have you any dirty washing, mother dear ♪

- Chasin' Charlie!

♪ Gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ 'Cause the washing day is here ♪

- Mother, dear!

♪ Whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ We'll just rub along without a care ♪

♪ We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ If the Siegfried Line's still there ♪

- 'Tion!

(Skimpy coughs)

Stand at ease!

Stand easy!

All right now, men, remember.

Remember a soldier's best friend is his rifle.

- So long, pal.

(soldiers chuckle)

- Well, what do ya think you're doing?

- That's very dangerous, Sergeant, ya know.

One day it might go off and I might get hurt, ya know.

- So now you're tryin' to poke my eye out.

- No, I wasn't, I was gonna show you a little trick.

- Oh, you were gonna show me a little trick

were ya? - Yes!

- What is the trick?

- Can you do that without movin' your finger?

- Can I what?

- I said, can you do that without movin' your finger?

- How can ya do that without movin' your finger?

- Well, ya move your thumb, see.

(soldiers laugh) - Quiet!

Look, if you don't shut up

if you don't shut up I'll cut your tongue out.

- And if you do, I'll never speak to you again.

(soldiers laugh)

- Silence!

So, rifle before I jam that barrel so far

down your throat that every time you hiccup

you'll fire a salvo through your torso.

Squad, 'tion!

So you laugh at your sergeant, eh?

What brings you your morning tea

what sees to your breakfast and gets you your leave

and puts hot water in your water bottle!

And kisses you goodnight.

Mark time!

Double!

(men stomp rhythmically)

Squad, halt!

(Skimpy grunting)

Leave your cap alone, will you?

Hold your rifle up the right way!

Stand to attention, head up, chin in.

Eyes looking their own height!

Well, what was your job in civvy street?

Come along, answer me!

- The mechanic, Sarge.

- Oh, were you a mechanic, too?

- No, no, I'm a McCarthy.

- Oh, so, you're a McCarthy?

And I suppose you're a McKendrick.

- No, he's a Shmendrick.

- Quiet! (soldiers chuckling)

Squad, 'tion!

- Bless ya, Sergeant.

Last time I sneezed like that I got a black eye.

I was in a wardrobe. (laughs)

- Why don't you hold your tongue?

- Can't, it's slippery.

- Why, I'll!

Eyes left, eyes front, eyes right, eyes front,

eyes left, eyes front, eyes right, eyes front,

eyes left-- - Sergeant!

Sergeant, come here, Sergeant.

- What's the matter with you?

- Look, I wanna change my name to eyes higher.

- Why eyes higher?

- Look, one eye's higher than the other, look.

- Oh, be quiet!

Squad, slow arms!

Present arms!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

For goodness sake, no.

Show me that rifle.

See?

Squad, slow arms!

Right now, watch me closely, I'll show ya how to do it.

See, that's what ya do.

Squad, present arms!

One, two, three, and that's the way ya do it, see?

Oh now, come on, come on, and let me see ya do that.

Present arms!

- One, two, three, that's the way ya do it, see?

(Sergeant hollers)

- Pick up that rifle!

- I was only joking, Sergeant.

- Slow arms!

Left turn!

Quick march, up, up!

My ancestors have had the right to bear arms for the past--

- That's nothing.

My ancestors have had the right to bare knees

for the past 2,000 years.

(soldiers laugh)

- Here, my mother's had the right to bear kids

for the last 50 years.

(soldiers laugh)

- Silence!

Very, very funny.

One of these days, you'll find out

that life isn't such a huge joke.

You'll learn what misery, defeat means.

McCarthy, give me a definition of defeat.

- A 10 mile route march with tight boots.

It's hard on de feet.

(soldiers laugh)

- Silence!

Silence, you numbskulls, or I'll put you all in jackets!

McCarthy, can you play the piano?

- Oh yes, Sarge, as a matter of fact

they call me Paddy at home.

- Oh they do?

What about it?

- Well, it's short for Paderewski.

(soldiers laugh)

- Good, I'm glad you can play the piano.

I want you to go to the Naffy tonight

because I want the piano shifted from there

to the officers' mess and back again!

(soldiers laugh) - Ooh!

- All right now, men, tell me

what does an order have to be

before he can have a funeral with full military honors?

- Dead.

(soldiers laugh)

- Quiet!

All right, now tell me

if you saw 12 men, 12 men digging a trench

how would you tell what rank they were?

- Oh, I know that.

- Well?

- The sergeant'd be the one who wasn't digging.

(soldiers laugh)

- McCarthy, you Scotch Terrier!

- Wait till I'm demobbed, I'll fix him.

- I'm only waiting for a foggy night.

(bright orchestral music)

- Isn't she lovely?

- Why don't you go around and see her during the interval?

- Oh, I couldn't do such a thing.

- I suppose if you wanted to kiss her

you'd ask for a week's leave to make your mind up.

- Shh.

♪ Love ♪

♪ When we are bride and groom ♪

♪ Oh how my heart goes boom ♪

♪ Because I love you ♪

(audience applauds) (audience members whistle)

- And now we've entertained you.

What about one of you boys coming up and entertaining us?

Come on, come on, don't be bashful.

- Go on, Jock, have a bass and full.

You sing a song, go on.

- What, me? - Yes, don't be shy, go on.

- I can't sing when I'm sober

and when I'm drunk I forget the words.

- There's a prize of a bottle of scotch.

- Think of your old woman, you'll think of the words then.

- That's right, sing a song about your Maggie.

- Maggie! - Yeah.

Here, put on the kilts and do it properly.

- Oh go on. - Here you are, madam.

- Sing a nice wee song.

- And now I want to introduce Jock McCarthy

who's going to tell you all about Maggie.

(bright music)

- Good old, Jock.

If your old woman could only see ya now.

♪ Maggie Cock-A-Bendy is a lass that I admire ♪

♪ Dark blue eyes and curly hair that sets my heart on fire ♪

♪ Old Maggie takes the cookie ♪

♪ Aye Maggie takes the bun ♪

♪ I wish that she was here the now ♪

♪ I'd have such lovely fun ♪

♪ She's my peri wiri wiri wiri winkle ♪

♪ She's my jelly and my jam ♪

♪ My fairy, my canary ♪

♪ And my bonnie wee bit lamb ♪

♪ Oh, she's my bunch of sourocks ♪

♪ And my laughing cockatoo ♪

♪ And I'm me Maggie A-Bendy's tura lura loo ♪

(shoes tapping)

♪ She's my bunch of sourocks ♪

♪ And my laughing cockatoo ♪

♪ And I'm me Maggie Cock-A-Bendy's tura lura loo ♪

- Good, Jock. (audience applauds)

(audience members whistling)

♪ They say that the sergeant's a very nice chap ♪

- Yeah man.

♪ Oh what a tale to tell ♪

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

♪ Askin' for leave on a Saturday night ♪

♪ He'll pay your fare home as well ♪

- Oh yeah.

♪ There's many an airman has blackened his line ♪

♪ To writing new words on the wall ♪

- Woo!

♪ You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean ♪

♪ Cheer up, my lads, bless 'em all ♪

(audience members whistling)

- Excuse me.

- Yes?

(Skimpy clears his throat) (women giggle)

- How would ya like that with your NAAFI ration?

(knuckles tapping)

- Yes, what is it?

- Miss Berlin?

- Well?

- Tommy wants to know if you're doing

anything special tonight after the show.

Remember, Tommy?

He's gone all shy since you've been transferred to ENSA.

- Well, I'm feeling very hungry.

- Yes, I suppose you'll mess with the officers.

- I think she oughta have something to eat first.

- Why hello, Val, dear.

- Hello, darling.

Excuse me, boys, won't you?

- The Mormon.

He certainly knows his onions

just like a sausage knows its mash.

- Yes, and I prayed for him last night.

- He's still livin'.

- What it'll be like in France?

- Well, I've got an address that a sailor gave me.

He told me that if ever we went there.

- Up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up.

Come on, power!

Up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up.

Come on, power!

Up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Get back there, what's the idea?

Squad, halt!

Left turn!

Close up.

Come on, come on, come on, men.

Come on, close up, close up.

Well, what do you think you're doing?

- Well, you said close up.

- Look, when I say close up, I don't mean close up.

- No? - No!

I mean get together.

- Oh, get together.

♪ La da dee da ♪

- Come on now, come on now, back there.

What's the idea?

Every time I turn around something like this happens.

Why you get with it, get back there!

Put the rifle over your shoulder.

All right.

Squad number!

♪ La da da, doo doo da doo ♪

- Well what do ya think you're doing now?

- Well, you said rumba.

- I never said rumba at all, I said number.

All right.

Squad number!

- One! - Two!

- Buckle me shoe.

- I'll buckle your neck in a minute.

- You're the best buckle around here.

- Silence!

Squad mark time!

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up,

up, up, up, up, up, up, up--

- Hey, Sergeant, look, I'm the only one in step.

- Squad, halt!

- Okay.

- Come on over here, come on.

What's the idea, what's the idea, what's the idea?

Well, what did you say?

- Well, I was the only one in step.

- You're the only one in step?

You're the only one who wouldn't be in step.

You're the only one that'd be out of step.

Why, you don't even know your left foot

from your right foot, now do ya?

No, of course you don't!

You don't even know your left hand

from your right hand, do ya?

No, of course you don't!

All right, come on.

Without thinking, without thinking.

Quick, which is your right hand?

Come on.

- I don't know.

- That's what I thought (grimaces).

Look, look, look, that's your left hand, see?

That's your left hand.

Now, now.

Which is the right hand?

- Is this it?

- That's right.

All right, now that's the left hand.

- Yes. - And that's the right hand

right?

Now do this (wild vocalizing).

- All right (wild vocalizing).

- Stop! Which is your right hand?

- Hey, I mixed them all up.

(feigns crying)

- Look, that's your left hand.

That's your right hand.

Left hand, right hand.

Left. - How do you do Sergeant?

- I'm all right, how are you?

No!

That's your left hand.

That's your left foot. - Yes.

- Now, which is your left foot?

- This. (Sergeant shouts in anger)

- Private Anderson, forward.

Take Cater outside and show him his left foot.

- This belt's chaffing me.

- Now listen to me.

When you're marching the left foot is the right foot.

- Oh you mean it's the right foot?

- That's it. - It the right foot.

It's the left foot's that right.

- That's right, the right foot is the wrong foot.

- Oh, now the wrong foot is the right foot.

And the right foot's the wrong foot.

And the left foot's the right foot.

♪ The left foot's the right foot ♪

♪ The right foot's the left foot ♪

♪ The left foot's the left foot ♪

Sergeant!

Sergeant he's driving me up the pole, Sergeant.

By the time he makes up his mind

which is the right foot, the blinking war will be over!

- See here, when you halt

all you do is put the foot that's on the ground

with the foot that's in the air

and stand perfectly still.

- Oh, you put the foot that's on the ground

you put the, ooh, ooh!

Knock it, knock it, knock it.

Turn out, come on.

We know enough now, come on.

Here comes the crisis.

- Well, has he got the hang of it yet, Anderson?

- Yes he knows it all now, Sarge.

- All right, come on, come on.

Get back into line there.

Come on, you haven't a day.

Uh!

Ah, I see. You're going to be a humbug.

- Yes, and he's gonna be two pfennig of licorice all salts.

- Quiet!

(Skimpy blows raspberry)

Who did that? - Him.

- Ah, so you did it, did you?

How dare you, what do you think you're doing?

- I'll go away.

If you're gonna talk to me like that, I'm going.

- If he's going, I'm going too, see?

- Pick up those rifles.

- Shan't.

- Come on, come on!

Come on, pick them up there, what's the idea?

What do you think you're doing?

- Sergeant.

He just saluted you.

I don't think he did it the right way.

He went like that.

- Quiet!

Come on, come on, get in line there.

Come on, come on, dress, dress!

Come on you in the end there, what's the idea?

- Hello, Sergeant.

- Sarge. - What's the matter with you?

- Oh, I need to see a doctor, ooh.

- What's the matter with you?

- He's got the earache.

- Are you eating well? - Like a horse.

- Are 'ing you well? - Like a fish.

- Are you sleeping well? - Like a cat.

- You don't wanna a doctor, you want a veterinary surgeon.

(Sergeant laughs)

- Very comical, Sergeant.

- Silence!

Private McCarthy.

You don't do your shoelaces up on the parade ground.

- He didn't know'a do it, do he Sergeant?

- He didn't know how to do it, do he Sergeant?

It don't matter if he did outter

or if he didn't outta.

He done it, see?

(Carter grimaces)

All right, squad up!

You, Private Carter, put your chest out.

I said your chest, not your stomach.

- Only officers have got stomachs.

Privates have got bellies.

- You! Come here

to the top of this line where I can see you.

Come on, go back, close up there.

Squad, left turn!

Quick march, up, up, up!

- Hello Skimpy.

- That sod Willis has got the death needle in me, you know.

- He doesn't like me either.

- He's had me running up and down the parade ground.

Here Jock, do us a favor mate, will you?

- Yeah, I'll give you

good shower. You all set?

- Yeah, up the top go. - Right.

- How's that? - Oh, it's wonderful.

- All right is it? - Give us that one.

- Do you want another one?

It's not too hot is it? - No, it's lovely.

- That's good.

- It's lovely.

(Skimpy groans)

- Skimpy what's your next parade?

- Target practice. - Target practice?

- Yes. - What do you get out of that?

(Jock hums a melody)

- What are you making here?

- This is a plum duck.

- Plum? It looks a bit of duck to me.

- It's good.

- Would you like me to help you?

- Could you be a plum duck?

- I'll show you how we do a properly plum duck.

- Sure, that's the stuffing.

Listen, put that around you. It'll keep you clean.

- What's that?

- That's the crust. - Is that crust?

Tell you what we'll do.

Get us an egg, will you?

- One egg, right. - One egg, all right?

- One egg coming up.

- Now give us an egg will you?

- Yeah. (Jock laughs)

- Give me something.

(Jock laughs)

You are naughty.

- You asked for an egg.

- That's the way you give us the eggs.

Over like that, you see, look.

Look at that, see that?

How's that, all right?

- Think that'll be all right?

- I think so.

Here, give that bash about will you?

- Yeah, sure.

- All right, all right.

- Hey!

What'a ya playing at?

Knocking, turning it.

- Give us the old pie dish over, will you?

- One pie dish coming up.

- There you are, one got in there.

- You thinkin' it'll be all right?

- Yes, better give him a bit of juice.

- You know what you're doing, do you?

- Okay? - Yes.

- What's the next job?

- You know what the Sergeant's asked me to make him?

- What's that? - A rabbit pie.

- Bring us a rabbit will you?

- I got a rabbit here.

As a matter of fact, it's wee Scott rabbit.

My granny sent it.

- Pluck him down here.

Can't do it, Jock. - It's too wee.

- Nah, nah, I'm not gonna put him out of his misery

just to make the old sergeant happy.

Here, let him go.

Bring us in that dead cat that's outside

I'll fix it up a cat pie.

He won't know the difference anyway.

- A cat pie? Yeah, sure.

- Bring the flour, here.

- Don't do that.

Don't sneeze when your carrying flour, it's dangerous.

(coughs) Like that.

- So that's your game, eh?

What'a ya playing at?

- Oh, so you wanna play, eh?

You wanna play, eh?

- So I'm one of the boys.

- Jock. - Yes.

(Jock laughs)

My custard pies.

So that's what you think of them.

Well there you are.

- Oh, you missed.

(Jock laughs)

- Jock, come here. - What?

♪ Come here ♪

Come here.

- What are you?

(Sergeant screams)

(dishes clattering)

- Sergeant, Sergeant!

We're only joking.

(Sergeant grimaces)

(guns fire) - Cease fire you blockheads.

You want to kill Sergeant Willis?

- Yes Corporal.

- Oh you, I'll.

(Carter grimaces)

I'll finish with you later, Carter!

Corporal. - Sergeant.

- How are the men doing?

- Not too badly, Sergeant.

All except Private Anderson.

He hadn't hit the target once.

- Wasting bullets, eh?

- Hello Sarge, have a go.

Three shots a turner. (men laugh)

- Silence you numbskull!

Don't forget there's a target up there.

Let me see you hit it.

Come on, come on, fire it.

Let me see you hit it!

(gun fires)

Anderson, where are you going?

- I'm gonna fetch me dinner.

- Come on, get back in the position here.

Anderson, are you married?

What made you join the army?

- Well I-- - Oh I see.

You wanted to be of some use to your country, eh?

All right, well get behind that tree and shot yourself!

(gun fires)

Anderson, Anderson!

- Sorry Sarge, missed again.

- Why you blithering idiot!

You're not fit to have rifle.

Give it to me, you!

- Sergeant, look there's blooming bit wasp up there.

- Where?

Why you!

Look what you've gone and done.

Look what you've gone and done!

You've ruined this rifle.

- That's all right Sarge.

We'll be able to use it for shooting around corners.

- Come out here, will you?

- Skimpy, do you think I'll get haggis in Paris?

- What are you worrying about haggis in Paris for?

You wanna worry about the bonjour mademoiselly.

Here, Sergeant? - Yes, what is it?

- Is it true that we're going overseas immediately?

- Yeah, that's right. What about it?

- I don't know how to start, Sergeant.

But I do want you to know that I am grateful

the way in which you persevered with me during my training.

- That's all right, Carter.

- And I'd also like you know, Sergeant

that anything that I did that annoyed you

was only done in the spirit of fun and good fellowship.

- That's all right, Carter.

- I didn't mean to be a nark you know, Sergeant.

My father was like me.

He took a long time to learn.

But he went to France and finished up a good solider

and I wanna do the same thing.

- I'm sure you do, Carter.

- Sergeant?

Would you please do me one favor?

- Well, I don't know.

- I mean we are going overseas

and you never know.

Accidents and just in case

will you do me one favor?

- All right, Skimpy. What is it?

- Sergeant. - Yes.

- Kiss me.

(men laugh) - Why you!

♪ The washing ♪

♪ Hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ For the washing day is here ♪

♪ Whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ We'll just rub along without a care ♪

(Crowd cheering drowns out soldier's singing)

♪ If the Siegfried Line's still there ♪

- Good morning, Sergeant.

I'm sorry I insulted you, horse.

(horse whinnies)

(jaunty accordion melody)

- Bonjour.

- Oh, bonjour mademoiselle, bonjour.

Parlez-vous under the jolly old king's English?

Up the apples and pears.

How's your Uncle Fred?

(woman speaks in foreign language)

- No, no. Me, I'm a private.

(woman speaks in foreign language)

- You cannot speak French, no?

- No, what does agreable mean?

- It's French for you're very nice.

- Oh, am I? Oh dear, oh.

(woman squeals)

I say, you're a bit of a shifty bent yourself, ain't ya?

- What does that mean?

- What, shifty bent?

It's Arabic for get up them stairs.

- I am Lisette Duval.

- Oh, am I'm Skimpy Carter.

Are you the daughter of mademoiselle from Armentieres?

- Oui. That reminds me.

I have some work to do.

- Shall I help you?

Do you want a drag? - No, no.

- All right, I'll carry this for you.

(sentimental music)

(both giggling)

We didn't wake you last night, did we?

- I'm afraid you did.

So many big boots clomping up the stairs.

- That was our sergeant.

All feet and no features.

- I knew a British sergeant once.

I called him Tootsie.

He was so sweet and so handsome

and his voice was like music.

- You outta hear our sergeant.

And you outta see him, he's sour and ugly.

His voice sound just like a crow bar

hitting the top of a tin roof.

- So!

So, so I'm sour and ugly am I, Carter?

And my voice sounds like a crow bar falling on a tin roof.

Well I'll teach you.

- Tootsie!

- Lisette, oh!

Get out of my road.

- Tootsie and he takes size 14 shoes.

- Carter, report for duty at once.

- Tonight at the L'Estaminet, yes?

- Oh yes, oh!

- Aw, Lisette. - Stop.

This can't go on.

- What can't go on? - These.

(Lisette laughs) - Go on!

Aw, Lisette, aw.

♪ 'Em all ♪ ♪ Bless 'em all ♪

♪ The long and short and the tall ♪

♪ Bless all them sergeants and WO1s ♪

♪ Bless all the corporals and their blinkin' sons ♪

♪ 'Cause we're saying goodbye to them all ♪

♪ And back to their billets they crawl ♪

♪ You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean ♪

♪ So cheer up my lads, bless 'em all ♪

- Hi-di-hi Skimpy.

- Ho-di-ho, Tommy boy.

- What is this hi-di-hi?

- You don't know what hi-dihi, ho-di-ho is?

Here I'll show you.

Sit down here. Tommy keep your eye on her.

- Yes, all right Skimpy.

(band plays bright music)

♪ There are lots of sayings ♪

♪ And you'll hear them by the score ♪

♪ By mixing with the lads ♪

♪ You know you'll hear them more the more ♪

♪ Remember what I'm telling you ♪

♪ So shout and have go ♪

♪ When I start singing hi-di-hi ♪

♪ You all sing ho-di-ho ♪

♪ Hi-di-hi ♪

♪ Ho-di-ho ♪

♪ Oh gee, I think that's grand ♪

♪ Hi-di-hi ♪

♪ Ho-di-ho ♪

♪ It's even got the band ♪

♪ Now you folk on the top place ♪

♪ And all you folk below ♪

Let's hear you, last time!

♪ Hi-di-hi ♪

♪ Ho-di-ho ♪

♪ And everybody have a go ♪

(crowd applauds)

- Skimpy, you're wonderful.

♪ Many soldiers leave the girl they love so much behind them ♪

♪ The memory of lovely days gone by ♪

- What's your name? - Jacqueline.

- Jacqueline? - What is yours?

- Tommy.

- Have you any other sisters, Yvonne?

- Yes, but aren't you happy with me?

- Jock.

- Oh (chuckles).

Hello Sarge.

This is my sister. (women laugh)

- Really?

She used to be mine.

Anderson. - Sergeant.

- Why aren't you at the front?

- What, with a war on Sarge?

(group laughs)

- You.

- Do you know, Lisette?

My father was in the last war.

We might be related.

- Hello my dear.

- Hello Tootsie.

- Carter, didn't I order you

extra fatigue duties this evening?

- No Sergeant, honest you didn't.

- Ah, your memory's very bad.

Report to the cookhouse immediately.

♪ In vain ♪

♪ For the girl was for me ♪

♪ The hour now grows nearer ♪

♪ And victory ♪

Would you care to dance, Lisette?

- That was very naughty of you, Tootsie.

- Everything's fair in love and war.

♪ For freedom and right ♪

♪ Soon I'll be sailing ♪

You know, Lizzie, you're a very pretty girl.

- I say, Sergeant Willis.

- Yes sir.

Excuse me a moment.

Yes sir.

- Do that button up, Sergeant.

- Yes sir, yes sir.

- Captain Mannering wishes to see you immediately.

- Yes sir, excuse me, I'll explain to my partner.

- Don't trouble, on the double.

(speaking in foreign language) - Yes sir.

- Tell me, did the Sergeant promise you

some lovely (mumbles).

(Lisette giggles)

You don't mind if join you, do you?

- Of course not.

But do you always wear your cap and great coat indoors?

- Definitely, definitely.

- But why?

- You see, it saves me the trouble

of putting the damn things on when I go out.

- Skimpy! How could you?

- You remember what the Sergeant said

all's fair in love and war.

♪ In England ♪

♪ Once more ♪

(crowd applauds)

(upbeat jazz music plays)

- Abrriba.

Mamba.

- Wills. - Yes sir.

- Things are bad.

We're moving back to the coast at once.

Get the men. - Yes sir.

(building crumbles)

(tank squeals)

(guns fire)

(bombs explode)

- You two all right?

- Yes. - They got me, I think.

- Did they? - Yes, my leg.

- Your leg?

- Put her through. - I've got a drink.

- Ow, son.

- The girl from the the ENSA comp.

- Yeah.

- What's happened to your concert party?

- We got scat by (mumbles) last night.

- I was just talking about you.

Remember the night I asked you come into the nappy

and have a cup of tea?

- Yeah, wish you offer me now.

I'm dying of thirst.

- There's a drop left in the water bottle, isn't there.

No trouble, this.

(bomb explodes)

I better hold you close.

Make you feel safer.

- That's a matter of opinion.

(guns fire)

If we get out of this alive

will you come to the pictures with me?

- I'd love to.

- Oh dear. - Hello Sergeant.

- McCarthy, what're you bobbing around like that for?

Man alive, showed won't hurt you.

- Yeah, Maggie told me to keep my head down.

- What's the matter with you perishers?

Do you wanna be taken prisoner?

Come on, get moving.

Val! - Your old boyfriend.

- What are you doing here?

- Boyfriend? Hello Dad.

- Dad?

Sergeant, Dad, Sergeant. Anderson's wounded.

- Badly?

- In the leg.

- I think we outta shend it.

- Come on you two men.

Take my daughter down to the beach.

There's a boat there.

Come on. - No, we'll stay behind

and give you a hand.

- Come on, get going or I'll have you shot

for disobeying orders.

Come on, come on, get going.

You think you can make it?

- I'll be all right.

You leave me, Sarge.

- Come on, I'll carry you.

- No, no, I'll be fine.

- Don't be silly, I'll carry you.

Come on.

- Let's move.

- Bit of luck coming to your hospital, eh Mom?

- I certainly was, Tommy.

Are you comfortable? - Yes, thanks

- Yes?

- Could I see Private Tommy Anderson, please?

- I'm afraid he's only allowed to see relatives.

- Oh that's all right, I'm his sister.

- Dear me, I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm his mother.

- (laughing) Now I really do feel a fool.

- My dear if you really want to see him

come with me. - Thank you.

Tommy. - Darling.

- How are you? How's the leg?

- That's all right. How are you?

(exciting music) (guns fire)

(bomb explodes)

(tank rattles)

(crowd cheers)

(triumphant music)

♪ All's well mademoiselle ♪

♪ We're on the way to Italy ♪

♪ All's well mademoiselle ♪

♪ We're on the road to Normandy ♪

♪ And marching on to victory ♪

♪ All's well, we sing the nightly gay ♪

♪ One, two, three, steps to Marseillaise ♪

♪ All's well mademoiselle ♪

♪ Ready to dance again ♪

♪ Love in our hearts again ♪

♪ Give it a pounce again, mademoiselle ♪

- Tommy!

- Those English boys are here!

- See you later.

- Lovely isn't she? She a wee smasher.

Skimpy have you heard the great news?

- See that?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Have you head the news? - What's that?

- Tommy's been posted back to the old mog.

- Lovely grub, good old Tommy boy.

- And Sergeant Willis, too.

(Jock laughs)

- Tommy! - Skimpy!

- How're you going? All right?

- Hello. (men clamor)

- Here, have a drink of that.

Don't he look well?

Boys and girls, I've got a surprise for you.

My Pal Tommy just come back.

You gonna give us a turn?

- You want one? - Yes, go on.

(crowd chatters)

Go on.

- What is this?

- It's a microphone.

- A microphone?

If I speak through this will everybody hear what I'm saying?

- Yes.

You're not nervous Tommy?

- No (squeaks).

(patrons laugh)

I'm very sorry, I haven't been very well lately.

I saw the MO this morning

I said excuse me, sir will you give me an examination?

He said all right, take your clothes off, son.

Son. (patrons laugh)

After he had examined me, he said thanks old man.

(patrons laugh) I've had such shocking dreams.

I dreamt I was in a film

and it was very good, it was called This Happy Breed.

(patrons laugh) It takes place out East

on the banks of the Nile.

There's a wonderful palace.

And in this palace lives an emperor.

This emperor, he's got 300 wives

and he's got lumbago.

(patrons laugh)

I'm in love with one of his wives

and this is a girl by the name of Fanny Adams.

This part is played by Jane Russell.

I've always wanted to meet Jane Russel

for two very good reasons.

(patrons laugh) Yes.

It's in this film, she says to me

tonight, darling it will be you and I

and the desert night under the stars.

I thought she said it will be you and I

and a dirty night under the stairs.

(patrons laugh) That's where I make a mistake

because I meet her by the pyramids

that's where we're supposed to meet, you see.

And while we're meeting the jungle drums start beating.

(drums beat) Its all right

while those drums are beating

but as soon as those drums stop

it means certain death.

On and on we go

then suddenly the drums stop beating.

I say, why?

Why did you stop those drums?

A savage face appears before me

and I say to him, why? Why did you stop those drums?

And he says, well I've broken my flipping drumstick.

(patrons laugh)

I'd like to sing you a song.

This is a song I composed myself

after hearing only it four times.

(patrons laugh)

For this I should be accompanied by

the augmented dance orchestra

under it's conductor Monsieur Ferrari.

All right, Tosh?

(Tommy plays gentle melody)

♪ I'm afraid to love you ♪

♪ 'Fraid I might like it ♪

♪ I'm afraid to kiss you ♪

♪ 'Fraid I might like it ♪

♪ When your lips invite me ♪

♪ To steal a kiss or two ♪

♪ I'm tempted but I never, never do ♪

♪ I'm afraid someday ♪

♪ That you may leave me ♪

♪ What's another heart or two to you ♪

♪ And if I act just like a stranger ♪

♪ It's because I see the danger ♪

♪ I'm afraid to love you ♪

♪ But I'm afraid I do ♪

And now here is the same song sung to you

by some of your favorite personalities.

♪ I'm afraid to love you ♪

♪ 'Fraid I might like it ♪

♪ I'm afraid to kiss you ♪

♪ 'Fraid I might like it ♪

♪ When your lips invite me ♪

♪ To steal a kiss or two ♪

♪ Honey, I'm tempted but I never, never, never do ♪

♪ Mm-Mm-Mm ♪

♪ Mammy, my little Mammy ♪

♪ I'm afraid Mammy, Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy can't you hear me Mammy ♪

♪ Mammy, it's me, Larry Parks, Mammy ♪

♪ What is another heart or two to you ♪

♪ You naughty little baby ♪

♪ And if I act just like ♪

♪ A stranger ♪

♪ It's because ♪

♪ I see the danger ♪

♪ I'm afraid to love you ♪

♪ But I'm afraid I do ♪

- Be seeing her soon.

- Well you better look her up

before Sergeant Willis does.

- What about you, Jock?

Don't you miss your old woman?

- Aye, the same as I missed a toothache.

- Skimpy, what about some nice clean jokes?

- How would like to see a nice intershow?

- There's no intershow tonight.

- There is. I'll show you an intershow.

And up with the jolly old Colonel.

(brass band plays dramatically)

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Oh the girls, we are here to dance ♪

♪ And we will always sing so bright ♪

♪ We shall, we shall sing ♪

♪ We shall loose everything ♪

♪ All the girls are here tonight ♪

("Infernal Gallop" by Jacques Offenbach)

Well, there he is.

You've all heard of Edgar Bergen and Charlie MacCarthy?

This time you're gonna hear the Great Skimpy Carter

and his Little Sebastian.

(patrons laugh)

I haven't always been a ventriloquist.

I used to a meteorologist.

I look in girls' eyes to see whether.

(patrons laugh)

Very little.

Hello Sebastian, how you getting on?

Hello Sebastian, how you getting on?

He said he's all right.

(patrons laugh)

Another demonstration.

This time, Sebastian will speak louder.

Hello Sebastian, how are you getting on?

I'm all right, thank you. (patrons laugh)

That surprised you, didn't it?

You never thought I could do it.

I'll do it if it chokes me.

Sebastian will sing you a little number entitled

If You Knew Suzie Like I Knew Sue

Her Father Would Be Looking For You Too.

(patrons laugh)

♪ What more can I say ♪

♪ I love you, I do ♪

♪ When you went away ♪

♪ I'll be lonesome and blue ♪

♪ You're one in a million ♪

♪ Not even two ♪

♪ What more can I say ♪

♪ What I wouldn't do ♪

♪ For you honey child ♪

♪ You only knew ♪

♪ You're driving me wild ♪

♪ I love you, I need you ♪

♪ That's putting it mild ♪

♪ What more can I say ♪

♪ I walk in my sleep ♪

♪ I talk in my sleep ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ Honest I do ♪

♪ I shout and I rave ♪

♪ My heart won't behave ♪

♪ In fact I'm going crazy to get up them stairs with you ♪

♪ Oh you're lovely to kiss ♪

♪ You're lovely to hold ♪

♪ More than a dream ♪

♪ More precious than gold ♪

♪ I love you, I need you ♪

♪ My stories told ♪

♪ What more can I say ♪

(patrons applaud)

("Infernal Gallop" by Jacques Offenbach)

(patrons applaud) - Very good.

Very good, very very good.

(Sergeant laughs)

(patrons laugh)

- Sergeant's got his own back now.

(Sergeant bellowing laughter)

- Very comical, very comical.

(Sergeant squeals)

(patrons laugh)

- You know Terry

there's something wrong with the middle of

that number we did tonight.

You know, after this thing?

- I think it'd be much better

if you leaned forward more on the kiss.

- Like that?

- Yeah, that's fine.

- Good.

(farm animals chattering)

- Boo!

- Oh! - Do you remember me?

You're little Tootsie?

- Of course I do.

So you have all come back to see me, yes?

- In a manner of speaking, yes.

But you see, we're on our way to Berlin.

- Oh? Where's Tommy and Skimpy?

- You don't wanna know anything about them.

Besides they're doing cookhouse fatigue.

- But you could let them off, no?

- Not flippin' likely with you around, my pet.

How 'bout coming to the intershow with me tonight?

My daughter's in it.

- Ah! So you have a daughter, huh?

I did not even know you were married.

- But I'm not married, I'm single.

Well, that is I'm a widower.

But a very lonely old widower.

- You poor man.

You should find yourself a lonely old widow.

- I don't wanna be a widow's second husband.

- Better to be her second than her first.

(both laugh)

- Say, you're a cute little bit of

San fairy Ann, aren't you?

- Here, give us a kiss, go on.

- No, no, no.

If you go now, perhaps I will come to the show.

- All right, I'll meet you in front at 7:30.

- If I'm late, you go in and keep a seat for me.

- I'll do that, baby.

Whoo!

(brisk knocking)

- Come in.

- I've brought your book back

- Tommy, what's the matter?

- Next time you're rehearsing a love scene with your partner

let me know and I won't be there.

- Don't be so silly.

Tommy come back. Tommy.

(door slams)

- Hey lads.

(men speak over each other)

Good show.

- Hello. Program boy.

- Yes, Sergeant.

♪ The park across the way ♪

♪ A children's carousel ♪

♪ The chestnut trees ♪

♪ The wishing well ♪ (Sergeant whistles)

♪ I'll be seeing you ♪

♪ In every lovely summer's day ♪

♪ In everything ♪

- Say, McCarthy, has the show begun yet?

- Yes, it's started now Sarge.

♪ Think of you that way ♪

♪ I'll find you in the morning ♪

- McCarthy, if a young lady, a mademoiselle

inquires for me

tell her that I've gone in

and I'll keep her seat in the fifth row.

- Sure, Sarge.

♪ At the moon ♪

♪ But I'll be seeing you ♪

(audience applauds)

- Tommy. - Yeah.

- The show's just about to start.

- So what. San Fairy Ann.

- Meaning what?

- Meaning I couldn't care less.

- Yes, but your little bit of Romeo is in the show.

- Skimpy if you're referring to Miss Valerie Willis--

- There he goes.

Getting all dignified again.

I'm sorry.

Don't suppose I should've said that.

What I really should've said

the future Mrs. Tommy Anderson.

- No, she won't marry me.

She's in love with that dancing partner.

I heard her calling him darling

and she was kissing him.

- So what?

These stage people, they kiss

and they call everybody darling.

Even the milkman. - You're kidding.

- I'm not.

Why don't you go backstage

and give her a big kiss and make up?

- I haven't got the nerve.

- You don't need nerve.

Go on, Tommy boy. Have a go.

- Oh shut up.

Besides, she said she never wanted to see me again.

- That proves that she loves you.

(mystical melody)

I'm surprised at you Tommy. Scared of a woman.

- Listen Skimpy, if you don't mind your own business--

- Listen Tommy, it is my business.

No pal of mine has ever been scared of a bit of skirt.

- Where are you going now?

- To see Val. - Don't be silly.

You'll get jankers.

- If I'm caught.

(mystical music)

- Some lovely talent in there.

- Okay Jock.

- Hello Jock.

- Hello Lisette.

Are you looking for Skimpy?

- I promised to meet Sergeant Willis here.

- You don't want to waste your time with that old windbag.

He's insane.

You'll find Skimpy in the cookhouse, it's over there.

- Thank you. - Don't mention it.

- Hello Tommy. - Hello.

What are you doing here?

- Where's Skimpy?

- He's just dashed off like a madman to see my girl.

It's all schlimazel, you won't understand.

He'll be back soon.

- Then I will wait for him.

(women scream)

(Skimpy whistles)

- I was only looking for Val Willis.

- She's not here.

Try the other dressing room.

- I hear one of my men

are making trouble around here.

Where is he?

(women scream)

- I'm sorry miss, but have you got a man in there?

- How dare you!

- Ooh!

Why you.

(knuckles rap)

Is there anyone in there?

- No. I mean yes.

- May I come in?

- No.

- I wanna see if there's man hiding in there.

- There's nobody in except us girls

is there girls?

No, no, I mean no.

(Sergeant clears throat)

- I say, excuse me.

I'm looking for a man.

- So am I.

- I say, I don't suppose you'd like

to see me after the show would you?

(men giggle)

- I'm not that type of a girl.

(Sergeant coughs)

- Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie cooch.

- Do de, do de, do de, doody.

(Sergeant laughs)

- Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie cooch!

- Do de, do de, do de.

(Sergeant laughs)

Oh you beautiful, strong, silent man as you are.

(Skimpy exclaims)

- Carter!

I'll have you shot for this!

Why you!

(audience laughs and applauds)

(jaunty music)

(audience applauds)

- Ah-hah!

(audience applauds)

♪ Hang out the washing on the Siegfried line ♪

♪ Have you any dirty washing, mother dear ♪

- Chase me Charlie!

♪ We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ 'Cause the washing day is here ♪

- Mother dear.

♪ Whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ We just rub along without a care ♪

♪ We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line ♪

♪ If the Siegfried Line's still there ♪

- Miss.

Have you seen Val Willis?

- Yes, she went back to the hostel.

- Thank you.

- Where did that man go?

- I haven't seen any man.

- He was wearing a blond wig and a girl's dress.

- He was asking for Val Willis.

- Oh, so he's after my daughter, is he?

Where is she?

- She went back to the hostel.

- Thanks very much.

(Val humming)

- Who are you? What are you doing here?

What's the matter?

- It's me heart.

Oh, this is choking me.

- Who are you?

- You remember me. Skimpy Carter.

- Oh, Skimpy, of course.

- Tommy's pal.

- I don't want to talk about Tommy, we're through.

- Oh, but he loves you.

He sent me over here to tell you that he loves you.

- Why can't he come and tell me so himself?

- He's got a job in the cookhouse, fatigues.

- Look, Skimpy, you have to go.

You can't stay here.

(aggressive knocking)

- You in there Val?

- Dad? Just a minute.

Get down.

- Val, are you there?

- Yes dad. I'm just coming.

Just a minute.

- Val, what's the matter there?

- Just coming.

- Mm! Must be getting old.

Hello Val.

Say, pin up boys?

I'm sorry to disturb you, Val

but one of my men's running after you.

I think if I stay here for a while

I may have a chance of catching him.

- Good.

You know who it is, dad?

- I think so. (Skimpy cries out)

Was that you? - Yes.

I'm tired that's all. - Ah.

- Have a cigarette.

- Good, thanks.

(Skimpy sneezes)

Was that you?

- Yes, I seem to have got a cold.

- Mm, you wanna watch that.

- Watch what?

- Was that you?

- Mm-hm.

- You're voice has gotten low all of sudden hasn't it?

- Yes it must be.

- Say Val.

- Yes Dad?

- What's the matter with you lately?

- Nothing.

- Unhappy love affair?

- Well, he doesn't want to marry me now.

- Oh, so he doesn't seem to want to marry you now?

Who?

(Skimpy grunts)

- Hello Sarge.

- What the blazes?

So I catch you in my daughter's bedroom, eh?

But you don't want to marry her!

Don't you?

- No thank you, Sergeant.

- Is that so? Well you will marry her, see?

Now go on, propose to her.

Propose to her or I'll get you 20 years in the glasshouse!

Go on.

Go on!

Ask her to marry you!

- Darling, will you marry me?

Say no. - Yes, Skimpy I will.

(Skimpy grimaces)

Is that all you have to say to me?

- I've said too much already.

- All right, you get to the cookhouse.

I'll deal with you tomorrow!

- Bye bye, daddy.

- Upsy daisy.

- You know, Tommy

I think you love Ms. Willis as much as I love Skimpy.

- Do you? I think you're right.

- Skimpy!

Oh Skimpy darling. - Did you see Val?

- Yes, I asked her to marry me.

- What?

- I had to.

You see, her father caught us both in her bedroom.

- What? - You pig!

My darling, oh my poor Skimpy.

Did they hurt you?

- Yes, I did.

But it was worth it for all this.

Tell me, what would you say if I was to ask you to marry me?

- I would say that is bigamy.

- I don't care if it's trigamy.

Will you? - Of course I will cheri.

(soft knocking) - Who is it?

- It's me, it's Tommy.

Val, I want to speak to you.

You're not really gonna marry Skimpy Carter are you?

- Would you mind I did?

- Of course I'd mind, Val.

I've come to my senses now.

I don't care if you call every other man

in the world darling

as long as you call me darling, too.

- Darling.

- Let's go for a stroll, shall we?

- But you're on fatigues, what would Dad say?

- Oh never mind about him.

The old windbag.

(church bells ring)

("Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn)

♪ Bless 'em all ♪ ♪ Bless 'em all ♪

♪ The long and short and tall ♪

♪ Bless all those sergeants and WO1s ♪

♪ Bless all those corporals and their blinkin' sons ♪

♪ For we'll say good all ♪

♪ And back to their billets they crawl ♪

♪ You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean ♪

♪ So cheer up my lads, bless 'em all ♪

(all cheering)

(dramatic musical flourish)