Original subtitles

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪

♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪

♪ It’s Showtime tonight ♪

[Dawn] Previously on Black Monday...

I thought you said the RNC hated me.

They did, until your assassination attempt,

They did, until your assassination attempt,

and now you are polling through the roof.

Pastor Swafford. You’re still a monster.

I will hang you out to dry.

Old Keithy is finally in charge now.

Old Keithy is finally in charge now.

You answer to me.

$1 million went missing. We know it was you.

[Dawn] I need a job. I just need a company name

[Dawn] I need a job. I just need a company name

to satisfy my parole officer.

They’re charging me with securities fraud.

I can fix this.

I can fix this.

You can never fix this.

We should just be focused on being

-a couple... -Friends.

...of friends.

[answering machine beeps]

[Mo] Dawny, Dawn, Dawn.

So I’m pretty sure you spent another post-prison weekend

So I’m pretty sure you spent another post-prison weekend

partying till the break of you

and are too hungover to pick up

without throwing up.

without throwing up.

but I really need to tell you something,

big,

bigger than big, fucking huge.

Pick up. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Fuck!

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Fuck!

This news is way too big to leave on your machine,

but you really should be the first to know.

But I really wanna see your face when I tell you.

But I really wanna see your face when I tell you.

But I really don’t want you to hear it from someone else.

Ooh, what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do,

what to do, what to do. What should I do?

what to do, what to do. What should I do?

Stop eating the whole fucking tape!

Respect the fucking tape.

[Mo] I guess I’ll just tell you when you get here.

[Mo] I guess I’ll just tell you when you get here.

Oh, and you better fucking get here fast

’cause your parole officer called,

and she’s coming by right now to shadow you all day.

-Fuck! -[Mo] Sorry.

Probably should’ve led with that.

She sounded like a real "See you next Tuesday,

you fucking cunt."

you fucking cunt."

Wait, did I... Did I do that wrong?

♪ Eric Clapton’s "Pretending" playing ♪

[Dawn vomits]

[Dawn vomits]

♪ How many times ♪

♪ Must we tell the tale? ♪

♪ How many times must we fall? ♪

♪

♪ Living in lost memory ♪

♪ Living in lost memory ♪

♪ You just recalled ♪

♪

♪

♪ I get lost in alibis ♪

No, thanks.

No, thanks.

♪ Sadness can’t prevail ♪

♪

♪

Ugh.

Shit.

♪

♪

♪ Don’t be pretending ♪

♪

♪

♪ About how you feel ♪

♪

♪

♪ Don’t be pretending ♪

♪

-I’m... -Coming!

-I’m... -Coming!

♪

♪ Don’t be pretending ♪

♪ Don’t be pretending ♪

♪

♪ About how you feel ♪

♪

♪

♪ Don’t be pretending ♪

Hey.

Hey.

If anybody asks, I work here, okay?

Wait, you work here now?

You take the question mark

off that sentence, motherfucker.

My parole officer will be here any minute. Fuck.

My parole officer will be here any minute. Fuck.

[Werner] Uh, chairman of Ways and Means, sir, three o’clock.

Hmm...

[forced laughter]

[forced laughter]

[both] Who are you talking to?

[both] Idiot, I’m just pretending.

-Dawn Darcy. -Congressman Pfaff.

-Dawn Darcy. -Congressman Pfaff.

[both] Ahh!

All right.

All right.

-Now... -[both] How can I help you?

Girl, I am so glad my PO is a Henrietta

Girl, I am so glad my PO is a Henrietta

and not a Henry, if you know what I mean.

-I prefer Henry. -Totally.

-I prefer Henry. -Totally.

Yeah, no, I just mean that you understand

the struggle that the ladies face in the workplace.

That’s why when I was CEO, I employed only women.

That’s why when I was CEO, I employed only women.

-Except for me and Wayne. -Ahh, yes, diversity hires.

-Except for me and Wayne. -Ahh, yes, diversity hires.

Takes great pride in her work

at her prior criminal enterprise.

at her prior criminal enterprise.

Okay, now, where is your workstation?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I am actually right over here.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I am actually right over here.

It is my girl, Missy.

Missy is my office BFF.

Missy is my office BFF.

Are you talking to me?

Bitch, I know you not gonna act.

Bitch, I know you not gonna act.

You know I’m talking to you. Oh, my God, she is so crazy.

You are crazy, you sexy bitch, you.

You are crazy, you sexy bitch, you.

Oh. Okay, so is this your desk?

Yes, this is my, well, my home away from home.

Yes, this is my, well, my home away from home.

So this is your needlepoint?

So this is your needlepoint?

And this is your trophy?

And these are your condoms?

Missy, bitch, I swear to God,

Missy, bitch, I swear to God,

I’ma shoot you in your eye with a fucking BB gun again.

You play too much.

I told you I’ma punch you in your titties.

I told you I’ma punch you in your titties.

You’re at it again. I told you she was crazy.

No, here at KokoMo Co, we have this thing we do

called Mix Up Mondays

where we switch everybody’s shit off each other’s desk,

and this bitch is the ringleader.

and this bitch is the ringleader.

No, it’s Monday fun day.

That’s what Mo, Mr. Monroe, my boss, calls it, actually.

That’s what Mo, Mr. Monroe, my boss, calls it, actually.

-[Mo] Hey, hey! -[Henry] Oh, champagne?

No, I-I never touch this stuff. Not for me.

It’s just Moet Mondays. You know, what can you do?

It’s just Moet Mondays. You know, what can you do?

So it’s Mix Up Monday and Moet Monday

’cause it’s Monday fun day.

’cause it’s Monday fun day.

-Yes. -Even though today is Tuesday?

-[Mo]Is that who I think it is? -Hey!

-[Mo]Is that who I think it is? -Hey!

Yes. This is Mr. Monroe.

And this is my parole officer, Henry.

And this is my parole officer, Henry.

-Hello. Henry? -Henry.

Okay, Henry.

Write this shit down verbatim. -Mm-hmm.

Ms. Dawn Darcy is the most hardworking,

Ms. Dawn Darcy is the most hardworking,

honest, home run employee

that I have ever had the honor to work with.

that I have ever had the honor to work with.

Okay? She’s the best.

Best employee, but best friend ...

Making it weird. [laughs]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And I also have to introduce you all

to Ms. Nomi Maldona.

She is a supernova singing sensation.

She is a supernova singing sensation.

And she also happens to be

our latest signing to KokoMo Co Records, so...

our latest signing to KokoMo Co Records, so...

Yes, which explains the champagne better.

Yeah, it explains the champagne.

Yeah, it explains the champagne.

And, oh, I don’t know, your fiancée, Momo.

Whoops, left something out.

Whoops, left something out.

We’re getting hitched, y’all.

Yeah, look at that.

[Nomi] Beautiful, isn’t it?

[Mo] It’s nice, right?

[Mo] It’s nice, right?

-Yes, congratulations. -Yeah.

♪ upbeat ’80s music ♪

♪

♪

Good news, Lar.

By reducing Pfaffashions’ toilet paper to single ply,

By reducing Pfaffashions’ toilet paper to single ply,

we’re able to see some savings.

Now, granted, it’s not a lot, but in this business,

it’s death by a thousand butts. Am I right?

it’s death by a thousand butts. Am I right?

-Have a seat. -Yeah, sure.

-What’s up? -No, not there.

There.

There.

Okay.

You know, my brother set up this putting green to teach me.

You know, my brother set up this putting green to teach me.

Lenny’s a big golf guy?

Nah, he thought the game was too ethnic.

He did it to teach me discipline.

He did it to teach me discipline.

Not bad.

I guess I have to be

the big brother now.

the big brother now.

Ow!

I sent you to Pfaffashions to find the fat.

I sent you to Pfaffashions to find the fat.

A sorority sister with a sharpie could have done it.

A sorority sister with a sharpie could have done it.

No, no, no. No, no, please.

Ow! Ow!

Instead, I hear the She-E-O is still using company cash

Instead, I hear the She-E-O is still using company cash

like it’s her personal ATM

by dumping it into her husband’s campaign.

by dumping it into her husband’s campaign.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, Keith, there is a vast chasm

between working for the Leighman brothers

and being a Leighman brother.

It takes balls of steel. Do you have them?

It takes balls of steel. Do you have them?

♪ dramatic music ♪

I do.

♪

♪

Oh!

[groaning and crying]

♪

♪

[fearful gasps]

♪

♪

And to think I was gonna give you our nose.

[Werner] Welcome to your new office.

Wow. I love the dark wood.

Wow. I love the dark wood.

It was Dick Cheney’s office

before he became secretary of defense.

Wow, if these walls could talk.

They wouldn’t dare.

They wouldn’t dare.

Cheney had the wallpaper made from NDAs.

[laughs] Word.

Well, looks like the RNC is a fan of RN-Me.

Well, looks like the RNC is a fan of RN-Me.

Play your cards right, and you could nab the VP slot

for the next presidential campaign.

You’ve got all the right players behind you.

You’ve got all the right players behind you.

-Baby boomers... -Ah.

People who value the sanctity

of bombing abortion clinics.

Yes, sir, as well as Big Jesus,

Yes, sir, as well as Big Jesus,

Big Pharma, and Bigots United.

The only part of the conservative coalition

you haven’t nailed down is the NRA.

you haven’t nailed down is the NRA.

What? But I was shot and I didn’t blame the gun.

Don’t worry, their annual Shoot-A-Thon is tomorrow.

It’s NRA president Charlton Heston’s

It’s NRA president Charlton Heston’s

signature event.

He autographs the spent shell castings.

So, you know, you just have to go there and--

Talk shit, shoot shit, get shitfaced.

Talk shit, shoot shit, get shitfaced.

Talk about shooting fish in a barrel.

That was last year’s competition, sir.

This year, it’s baby ducks in a pond.

And once Heston’s signs off on you,

And once Heston’s signs off on you,

the sky’s the limit.

Not for the baby ducks, of course.

Of course. Now, speaking

of shooting adorable babes,

of shooting adorable babes,

where are we on who shot me?

They’re zeroing in on a suspect.

We should have a name for you just as soon

as we finish the focus groups.

as we finish the focus groups.

I’m sorry, what now?

Well, the RNC has been workshopping

a few options.

a few options.

A Greenpeace-loving activist, a lesbo...

-Fun. -...George Soros.

Okay, cool.

But what about who actually shot me, like, in reality?

Stop worrying about reality, sir.

Stop worrying about reality, sir.

You’re a Republican.

Someone tried to kill me.

Now, maybe because I’m me,

but I would actually like to find out who--

but I would actually like to find out who--

Jerked your limp political career

into a rock-hard rocket ride?

-Werner... -[Werner] Yeah.

So maybe don’t go digging, sir.

So maybe don’t go digging, sir.

Okay.

[knock at door]

[knock at door]

Hey, you.

-Hey. -How you doing?

-Hey. -How you doing?

I’m fine.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

[Mo] Okay, ’cause it seemed

like you ran in here and you were kinda upset

like you ran in here and you were kinda upset

like you were gonna have a cry or something.

It’s understandable, babe.

I’m certainly not gonna cry over some shit like that.

I’m certainly not gonna cry over some shit like that.

No, actually, I’m fine.

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you

about me and Nomi earlier.

about me and Nomi earlier.

There just wasn’t any time,

and it didn’t seem like

leaving all that on your answering machine

was really the best way to go.

There was no tape left. You know what? You used it all.

There was no tape left. You know what? You used it all.

I did.

And I need... I need another fucking tape.

[both] Maxell 120.

I know your flavor.

I know your flavor.

None of that fucking Memorex bullshit.

Fuck Memorex.

But speaking of, her demo, you gotta listen to it.

This shit will really dampen up your eyes and thighs.

This shit will really dampen up your eyes and thighs.

Jesus. Dampen up? No-no.

-Well, check it out. -Okay.

[both] Neither Of Us Has Ever Felt

[both] Neither Of Us Has Ever Felt

The Feelings We’re Feeling Before.

[Mo] It’s got a nice ring to it.

-Now, I have one question. -Yeah.

-Now, I have one question. -Yeah.

Is the song as long as the title,

or is it short?

You really are brave.

You are fighting through this amazingly.

You are fighting through this amazingly.

Oh, no, listen, and so are you,

because you know I love that your ego

has allowed you to be friends,

has allowed you to be friends,

you know, because that’s what I wanted.

Great, because that’s what I want too, Dawny.

Good. That’s all I want. I mean, I said it, obviously.

All right? Good. That’s what we both want.

All right? Good. That’s what we both want.

Great. And I hope that in time,

you know, when your heart heals,

you, me, and Nomi, we can be the best of friends.

you, me, and Nomi, we can be the best of friends.

And I’m sorry again, okay?

I’m sorry. All right?

Because if you don’t stop apologizing,

I swear I’m gonna pull a fucking Jammer.

I swear I’m gonna pull a fucking Jammer.

I’m gonna jump off your fucking balcony.

-Oh. -[laughs]

You’d kill yourself

just because I got engaged? That’s--

just because I got engaged? That’s--

I’m not doing this with you, okay?

Okay.

Stop it. Stop making that fucking face.

Stop it. Stop making that fucking face.

Well, at least you’re not rebounding.

Well, at least you’re not rebounding.

-Back to work. -Hang in there, champ.

No, nothing to hang in for. I’m fine.

No, nothing to hang in for. I’m fine.

Yeah, you’ve said that a number of times. I got it.

Really? [laughs] I’m joking.

No, I’m good. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

No, I’m good. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

And thank you. I can’t wait to listen to this.

-It’s great. -Yeah, well, okay. We’ll see.

-It’s great. -Yeah, well, okay. We’ll see.

♪ peppy music ♪

♪

♪

Knock, knock, cock rock.

Holy shit, Maurice Monroe.

Holy shit, Maurice Monroe.

What brings you down to the Shmona district?

I got big news, K-Man. I’m engaged.

I got big news, K-Man. I’m engaged.

Wait, really? Holy shit.

Wow, you two crazy...kids finally did it.

Talk about the world’s longest

Talk about the world’s longest

"will they, won’t they ever get it right?"

That’s a real Salmon Diane.

Oh, Cheers.

Oh, Cheers.

Yeah, where everybody knows you’re white.

No, the dish, Salmon Diane.

Yeah, uh, Shira could never quite nail that recipe.

Yeah, uh, Shira could never quite nail that recipe.

Why would I know anything about your wife’s cooking?

Anyway, hey, congratulations. You and Dawn, I called it.

Well, it’s actually not Dawn.

Well, it’s actually not Dawn.

It’s... Met a girl three days ago.

Her name’s Nomi.

Her name’s Nomi.

And I know it’s brand new, but we’re in love.

[Keith] Twist. Classic Mo.

[Mo] You know, back in the day,

[Mo] You know, back in the day,

you would’ve been the first person I told.

And we would’ve gone out

and coked our beaks bloody.

Oh, it would’ve been bad.

Oh, it would’ve been bad.

[Mo] Would’ve been so bad.

Hey, thanks, you know, for coming here.

Hey, thanks, you know, for coming here.

I know it takes a big man to admit when they’re wrong.

Oh, no.

You think that’s why I’m down here?

You think that’s why I’m down here?

I am down here because you and Larry are holding

my record label hostage.

my record label hostage.

And the only thing worse than fucking with a man’s livelihood

is fucking with his woman.

And ’cause she’s signed to my label,

you and Larry are fucking with both.

you and Larry are fucking with both.

So I am here to personally tell you,

you better get this fucking IPO thing right.

you better get this fucking IPO thing right.

You got it?

♪ tense music ♪

Damn, your hair looks good.

You’re not shitting me right now, are you?

You’re not shitting me right now, are you?

-[Mo] It’s amazing. -It’s fucking great, right?

-What did you do?

Took a long time. I went to Germany--

Don’t care. Fuck off.

Don’t care. Fuck off.

[sighs]

Classic Mo.

You know what I’ve been reading recently?

The Bible.

I dig it. It’s weird.

I dig it. It’s weird.

It’s like The Hobbit a little bit.

Wait a minute. Wait.

We were here before that guy. Why are we still sitting here?

That’s why.

All the other labels, they pay to play,

All the other labels, they pay to play,

but Mo doesn’t think it’s kosher, so...

So since Mo is on this integrity kick,

you gotta sit here all day?

you gotta sit here all day?

Okay. So I know you’re new here,

but you sure seem confused.

Henry, why don’t you just do your job, and I’ll do mine?

Henry, why don’t you just do your job, and I’ll do mine?

My job is to watch you do your job.

Yes.

Tony. What’s up?

Tony. What’s up?

Any new artists I should check out?

[Yassir] We just signed a 103-year-old man.

This dude’s incredible...

Okay. You know what?

Okay. You know what?

You have better cut this shit,

or I’m gonna report you.

You’ve been acting fucking weird all day.

You’ve been acting fucking weird all day.

Do you even work at KokoMo Co?

♪ tense music ♪

Oh, God. You’re right.

Oh, God. You’re right.

Listen, I have been acting fucking weird,

but it’s not because of my job.

It’s...

It’s...

It’s Mo.

Your boss?

My boss and my on- and off-again boyfriend

My boss and my on- and off-again boyfriend

for the last 15 years. And then--

You guys were together for 15 years?

Yes. I mean, and no.

Yes. I mean, and no.

I mean, I was married. But yes.

And then, suddenly, he gets engaged,

and I try to act like I’m fine,

and I try to act like I’m fine,

but I’m not fine.

How the fuck could I be fine?

No, girl, listen, I get it.

I just got outta something that was crazy.

I just got outta something that was crazy.

Messy-ass breakup.

Nothing I did for, like, three months made any sense.

Nothing I did for, like, three months made any sense.

Girl, I get it. It’s complicated.

Oh, yes, you understand.

It’s like a Rubik’s cube with pubes.

It’s like a Rubik’s cube with pubes.

Okay. You know what?

I don’t think you need me on top of you

on top of everything else.

So don’t even worry about it. It’s fine.

So don’t even worry about it. It’s fine.

I’ll just see you next week

and the week after that...

and the week after that...

and the week after that.

-Oh. -[chuckles]

♪

♪

[scoffs] This bitch.

[group talking raucously]

[group talking raucously]

Ah, ah! Give me some sugar. Yeah.

Fucking freaks.

Honey, I’d rather be a freak than a--

Honey, I’d rather be a freak than a--

Keith?

Mike?

Mike?

Jesus, when did you join Cirque du Sogay?

Hair.

Uh...ish.

Uh...ish.

How’ve you been?

You mean since I almost went to jail because of you?

Yeah, that was kind of the time frame

I was referring to, yeah.

I’m good. I’m really good.

I’m good. I’m really good.

-Good. -[Mike] Look at you.

You’re back in the closet?

No. What? No, I’m just--I’m working.

And I...

And I...

Holy shit. Are those skants?

Oh, yeah,

I call it an asscape.

I call it an asscape.

Yeah, I-I make those.

Actually I’m taking Pfaffashions public

because IPOs, they’re the next big thing.

because IPOs, they’re the next big thing.

I mean, LBOs--

Stop, I fell asleep.

Look, we’re keeping the party going...

Look, we’re keeping the party going...

but I’m sure you can’t.

I can, I just I can’t ’cause it’s cants.

I can, I just I can’t ’cause it’s cants.

Well, I’m DJing at House Cat tonight.

Well, I’m DJing at House Cat tonight.

Tonight’s bad. I got a--I got a thing.

-How about tomorrow night? -I have a thing too.

You know what? I DJ every single night.

You know what? I DJ every single night.

So if you change your mind and your clothes

So if you change your mind and your clothes

and your life,

stop by.

Be good to see you for old time’s sake.

Be good to see you for old time’s sake.

And here, a gift.

And here, a gift.

Courage.

Bye, bow-tie.

♪ electronic music ♪

♪ electronic music ♪

♪

-Hey. -Hey.

Do you mind if we Deep Throat this?

-You’re the expert. -Oh, ho.

-You’re the expert. -Oh, ho.

No, I just mean, like, back to back

like spies, you know, for fun.

You mean for your reputation?

You mean for your reputation?

Because you don’t wanna be seen with a convicted criminal,

even though the whole reason that you have a reputation

and that I’m a convicted criminal

and that I’m a convicted criminal

is because you fucked me.

No, no, no. I fucked Mo.

You fucked yourself. I don’t know

why you sacrifice yourself for someone so selfish.

why you sacrifice yourself for someone so selfish.

You didn’t even come visit me.

You told me you didn’t want me to come visit you.

Because that’s what you fucking say when...

you know what? Fuck you, dude.

Whatever.

Whatever.

-So? -So...

How’ve you been? Are you seeing anybody?

No, I meant, so are you gonna expunge my record or not?

No, I meant, so are you gonna expunge my record or not?

That’s the only reason I’m here.

It will be done. And for what it’s worth...

It will be done. And for what it’s worth...

thank you for coming to visit me in the hospital.

thank you for coming to visit me in the hospital.

It was really scary. I mean, I almost--

I know, I know.

After everything that we’ve been through...

After everything that we’ve been through...

-That’s why I went. -I know.

Mo’s engaged...

Mo’s engaged...

to a child,

not that it matters to me.

Well, you’re clearly in love with that guy.

Well, you’re clearly in love with that guy.

No. Why does everyone think that?

Dawn, c’mon, it’s just us.

Dawn, c’mon, it’s just us.

No, no.

There is no us, not anymore.

There is no us, not anymore.

♪ somber music ♪

[Blair] No, no, no, no. Wait.

We can, you know, I don’t know,

troll for dick.

troll for dick.

[laughs]

Sounds like fun.

Sounds like fun.

No, I’m sorry.

I don’t wanna be seen with you, Congressman...

I don’t wanna be seen with you, Congressman...

for my reputation.

♪ somber electronic music ♪

♪ somber electronic music ♪

♪

♪

[Blair] I have everything I ever wanted.

Money, power, perfect pitch.

Money, power, perfect pitch.

But even with all that and every pleasure center

maxed out on the reg, I’m still feeling... bad.

maxed out on the reg, I’m still feeling... bad.

I mean, everyone I know hates me.

It’s like, "Did I do something wrong?"

It’s like, "Did I do something wrong?"

I mean, that’s crazy, right? And you would know.

I mean, that’s crazy, right? And you would know.

What you’re describing, Blair, is guilt.

What do I have to feel guilty about?

What do I have to feel guilty about?

Maybe--I’m just checking my notes here--

double crossing your wife on your wedding day?

-Eh. -Dropping your business rival

-Eh. -Dropping your business rival

-off a building? -No.

Blackmailing your lover

into hanging himself

and then poisoning his life’s legacy

and then poisoning his life’s legacy

on national TV?

Uh-uh.

Causing the single greatest loss of global wealth

Causing the single greatest loss of global wealth

in human history?

Or...what you did to your dad.

That’s a fascinating theory, Doc-turd.

But maybe, maybe, my paranoia could also stem

But maybe, maybe, my paranoia could also stem

from the fact that, oh, I don’t know,

I was fucking shot in the fucking chest,

and the fucking person who fucking did it

and the fucking person who fucking did it

is still fucking out there,

and I’m the only one who fucking cares.

I’m sorry. I’m just feeling...scared.

And I do not like these feelings,

And I do not like these feelings,

so I was just thinking, maybe you could, you know,

shocky-shocky them away.

-Of course.

-Of course.

[electrodes zapping]

For $550 an hour, this better--

-Help. -Well, I was gonna say cure me,

-Help. -Well, I was gonna say cure me,

but that’s the whole scam, right?

Meanwhile, your poor patients are...

Dying.

...inside, and you dumb head doctors

...inside, and you dumb head doctors

don’t even have the heart to--

Tell Gerard it was always him.

Gerard?

Gerard?

Holy fuck!

Holy fuck!

Tiff! Tiffany Amber Pfaff!

-[Keith] Oh, Jesus. -Where is she?

I checked her place, her boyfriend’s place,

I checked her place, her boyfriend’s place,

and their pied-à-terre. I need to talk to her.

Don’t we all? Unfortunately, Tiff is out

Don’t we all? Unfortunately, Tiff is out

blowing all the Pfaffashion’s cash,

amongst other things, I assume.

This is the second time I’ve been scared to death

This is the second time I’ve been scared to death

by actual fucking death,

and she’s missing.

What kinda marriage is that?

What kinda marriage is that?

I assumed a sham one. No judgements.

Oh, God. I’m such an idiot.

I was almost out. Why did I go back in?

I was almost out. Why did I go back in?

You know, Oscar Wilde once said,

"When the gods wish to punish us,

"When the gods wish to punish us,

they answer our prayers."

Ha! That’s so gay.

I don’t mean that out, Keith. I mean, out of politics,

always having to answer to someone, doing bad shit.

always having to answer to someone, doing bad shit.

Oh, I’m in too deep.

The only way out for me now is through.

The only way out for me now is through.

I don’t know. How did this happen?

You know, I was wondering the same thing.

You know, I was wondering the same thing.

This life that we have to live

versus the one that we want to live.

I don’t need all the details.

The plugs do a lot of the work.

The plugs do a lot of the work.

You’re miserable. Right?

Well, take it from me, Keith,

get out while you still can.

♪ moody music ♪

♪

♪

Hello, madam. I’m--

Oh, I know who you are.

You’re Blair Pfaff!

You’re Blair Pfaff!

You’re just in time for the duck-athlon.

Whoever shoots the most cute little ducklings

gets their picture on the cover of NRA Today.

gets their picture on the cover of NRA Today.

-Awesome. -[clerk] Now, let’s see.

-Here is your gun. -[Blair] Oh. [laughs nervously]

-Here is your gun. -[Blair] Oh. [laughs nervously]

-Here you are. -Thank you.

[clerk] Oh, and your vest. Keep that baby on.

[clerk] Oh, and your vest. Keep that baby on.

Us wives like to call this event the Widowmaker

due to the occasional oopsie-doopsie.

Oh, wow, thank you for that terrifying tip.

Oh, wow, thank you for that terrifying tip.

Could you point me in the direction

of a Mr. Charlton Heston, please?

of a Mr. Charlton Heston, please?

-Oh, he’s right over there. -Ah!

Thank you.

Mr. Heston. I just wanna say,

Mr. Heston. I just wanna say,

I am such a fan of--

[gasps] Pastor Newell!

[Newell chuckles evilly] Surprise, surprise.

[Newell chuckles evilly] Surprise, surprise.

♪ dramatic music ♪

[knock at door]

[knock at door]

-[Mo] Ah, you’re back. -I’m back.

[Mo] What, is your PO here or something?

[Mo] What, is your PO here or something?

No, I wanted to tell you something,

and I didn’t wanna do it on your machine.

That’s great, but I kinda wanna talk to you

about something first, okay?

about something first, okay?

I wanted to tell you something.

No, no, no, just have a seat.

I mean--okay, okay. Yeah.

Listen, I know you’re not fine with all of this.

Okay? And I’m sure

Okay? And I’m sure

I probably didn’t help matters either.

Okay. Truly, I am fine.

Dawn, c’mon, Yas told me

Dawn, c’mon, Yas told me

what you told your PO at the station.

Oh, what? No, no, no.

I was playing her.

I-I just needed to cover fast, that’s all.

I-I just needed to cover fast, that’s all.

Okay. Dawn pulling on the old heartstring, huh?

You know.

-Dirty Darcy. -I learned from the best.

-Dirty Darcy. -I learned from the best.

So you’re sure you’re not jealous?

Well, yeah, I’m jealous. I’m jealous as fuck.

Well, yeah, I’m jealous. I’m jealous as fuck.

-Well, that’s what I’m saying. -No, I’m jealous of you, Mo.

-Well, that’s what I’m saying. -No, I’m jealous of you, Mo.

Because you did it. You figured your shit out.

Me, I’m on parole,

Me, I’m on parole,

sleeping in a fucked-up Murphy bed.

I don’t know what the fuck

I’m gonna do for the rest of my life.

Oh...

Oh...

No, don’t. Okay?

Just believe me when I say, for the very last time,

Just believe me when I say, for the very last time,

I am fine with your fiancée.

Because I-I love you, Mo Mo.

Because I-I love you, Mo Mo.

-I love you too, Dawn. -Yeah.

-I love you too, Dawn. -Yeah.

Oh, wait. I’m gonna prove it.

-What? -What are you doing?

[radio static]

[radio static]

[Nomi on radio] ♪ Soft lights, soft music... ♪

Are you fucking kidding me?

This is... You did this?

This is... You did this?

How did you do this?

The way the old Mo I used to know would’ve done it:

playing dirty.

playing dirty.

$400 a spin, and not during drive time.

I only have $83 in my purse.

You mean your Gucci purse?

You mean your Gucci purse?

You owe me a fake Gucci.

[Mo] Goddamn it, Dawn,

[Mo] Goddamn it, Dawn,

I don’t wanna run my fucking business like that.

-This is a legit business. -You didn’t, okay? I did.

Why did you do that? Why would you make me do that?

Just consider it an engagement gift.

Just consider it an engagement gift.

Is that--Mo, I’m on the radio?

-You’re on the radio. -I’m on the radio?

-You’re on the radio. -I’m on the radio?

Yeah. You did it.

-Well, I mean, Dawn-- -[Dawn] Yes, you did.

-Well, I mean, Dawn-- -[Dawn] Yes, you did.

It’s great, Mo.

-Congrats, babe. -Aw, thanks, babe.

-Congrats, babe. -Aw, thanks, babe.

♪

Wow. Sounds so good.

Wow. Sounds so good.

What are you doing here? Where’s Heston?

Well, Chucky had to finish up his arc on Dynasty,

Well, Chucky had to finish up his arc on Dynasty,

so I promised my dear friend that I’d vet you.

Now pick up your ears, prick.

Now pick up your ears, prick.

I need you to introduce some legislation

so that churches can own air rights.

so that churches can own air rights.

I am tired of circling around

so they can medevac some bald kid.

Nah, I’m not doing that.

Don’t forget I made you, son.

Don’t forget I made you, son.

Oh, please. I made me.

Then I got shot, died for 11 minutes,

Then I got shot, died for 11 minutes,

and came back to life even fucking better.

I’m basically like Jesus with more manageable hair.

I’m basically like Jesus with more manageable hair.

Oh, and white, unlike the actual Jesus,

who, according to overwhelming geographic

who, according to overwhelming geographic

and genetic evidence, was Black.

That’s blasphemous. C’mon.

All I’m looking for is a little quid pro quo.

All I’m looking for is a little quid pro quo.

Just like with Roger,

only this time, no one gets hurt,

only this time, no one gets hurt,

except maybe the occasional therapist.

Oh, my God. It was you.

Oh, my God. It was you.

Moi? No.

But I spoke to my little friend

-down at the morgue.. -That tracks.

-down at the morgue.. -That tracks.

...that those electrodes were rigged

to elect-splode.

Now, the question is, were they meant to fry him or you?

Now, the question is, were they meant to fry him or you?

Fuck you, you Miracle Max Headroom motherfucker.

Fuck you, you Miracle Max Headroom motherfucker.

If being the next Dan Quayle means having to get in bed

with you again, then fuck it, I’m through.

with you again, then fuck it, I’m through.

♪ Reach out, touch faith ♪

♪ Depeche Mode’s "Personal Jesus" playing ♪

♪

♪

♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪

♪

♪

♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪

♪ Someone who cares... ♪

♪ Someone who cares... ♪

This is for Roger.

Oopsie-doopsie.

Oopsie-doopsie.

♪

♪

[electronics sparking]

♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪

♪

♪

♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪

♪ Reach out, touch faith ♪

♪ Reach out, touch faith ♪

Oh, look at that.

Wow!

[laughs]

[laughs]

Say cheese, killer.

♪

♪ Reach out ♪

♪ Reach out ♪

[starts]

[music playing softly on radio]

[music playing softly on radio]

♪

♪

♪ music continues in soundtrack ♪

♪

♪

♪ Reach out, touch faith ♪

♪ Reach out, touch faith ♪

♪

♪

♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪

♪ spacey electronic music ♪

♪ spacey electronic music ♪

♪

♪