All language subtitles for tg 15.7

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, we're back! We're back,
thank you so much, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, as we know, there's a financial
crisis going on at the moment.

But we've decided not
to take part in it.

So, coming up now is a taster of what
you can expect over the coming weeks.

Three, two, one. Go!

We're wise men. We are.

Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers!

Look at him tumble!

We may have hit an
Australian quite badly.

We nearly had him!

Couldn't we have murdered
someone a bit smaller?

Top speed? Nobody knows!

The door mirror has come off!

I think he could
be a massive idiot.

Not even a dribble.

Here we go, Roman rallying.

I don't know where it is.

That gap is big enough.

That was quite good.

All that is to come.

But this is now. We must
turn our attention to this.

This is the Transfagarasan
Highway in Romania, and we said

a couple of years ago that this
is the best road in the world.

However, many Americans say, and
they do tend to know everything,

that in fact, the best road in the world
is the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia.

So our producers said to us we
should pick any cars we liked,

get over there and try it out.

This is the road
we'll be driving on.

A snaking, 500 mile
ribbon of asphalt,

scything through the lonesome
pines and the soaring peaks.

It looks good. So now let's
meet the cars we'll be using.

This is what I've brought.
It's the Ferrari 458 Italia.

It is, in my view, the best
car they currently make.

And you can't actually
argue about this, Clarkson,

because you said on the television that it
was magnificent and one of the all-time
greats.

I can argue, and I will, because
although this is an excellent car,

it's not quite as excellent
as the car I've brought along,

which is this, the Mercedes SLS.

They're both wrong, because
I've brought the best car.

I've brought the
Porsche 911 GT3RS...

.. which is the best 911,
and therefore the best car.

That's an end of it. Hammond. What?

What you've brought, mate,
is a knife to a gunfight.

How do you make that out? Let me
explain, OK?Premiership, Premiership,

Johnstone's Paint Trophy.
How much is it? Exactly.

You think about it. It's half the price
of the other two. How much is it? 104,000.

It's not half the price.

Well, pretty much.
How much is yours? 160. Well, yeah.

170. And by the time you put anything on it?
Well, 190. There you go.

This is half the price
and still the best.

It's not! We shall see. It's got
stickers on it!Porsche have given it

an unusual little flamboyant
touch, which is rare for Porsche.

Red wheels on a grey car, which isn't bad,
but the calliper's yellow, and that looks
stupid.

You're right, it's a colour disaster! It is.
Oh, I've gone off it, It's a fashion crisis

Can I just say how nice it is to be the
elder statesman here with the grown-up car?

With those doors?
"Look at me, I'm an eagle!"

Can you get an extra where you hit a button
and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth
Vader costume?

I admit the doors
are a bit show-offy.

But when I close them,
that is pure elegance.

No, that is gigantic,
is what it is.

This appeals to someone who's five.

Yours appeals to someone who's 55 and
thinks it won't work in a minute.

This is for somebody who
has taste, refinement...

No, sorry, it's obvious that
that is a more modern car...

'We could have argued until sunset,

'but decided instead to see which was best
with a blast on the Blue Ridge Parkway. '

Here we go!

'However, immediately,
there was a problem. '

Guys? Yeah? Did that signpost
say 35 mph speed limit?

The Blue Ridge Parkway
is 469 miles long.

It can't all be 35 miles
an hour. Can't be!

'I was right. It wasn't. '

It's now 25, 25 miles
an hour here, chaps.

What?!

I'm sure we'll get round here and there
will be another side with a cross, just go
for it.

'But no. It turned out that the fastest
you can ever drive on this road is 45.'

I'm going to put it in the comfort
setting. May as well, really.

'This was hopeless.
So we pulled over for a rethink. '

The problem we've got is we can't go on
because it'll take us 30 years to do 100
yards.

We can't go that way because those
are the woods of North Carolina.

Squeal like a piggy! I don't wantto
squeal like a piggy. It's full of Huron,

who'll cut your head off.
Last of the Mohicans.

That way, down there...
What's over there?

NASCAR country.

Is it? 90% of the world'sNASCAR
teams are in that view.

Banjos, Huron. Good ol' boys,
V8s, steaks. Absolutely. V8s.

I'll have a V8 and you'll have a V8and
you... Classics, which is better. It's just
better.

'Freed from the Stannah stairlift
highway, even James went a bit mad. '

Yes!

FERRARI ENGINE ACCELERATES
That's a pretty good noise.

PORSCHE ENGINE REVS That isn't.

I've so brought the best car.

That Porsche is no match for this,

the most powerful naturally
aspirated engine in the world.

But there's more to the
SLS than just brute force.

This may look and sound -

GRRR! - like a muscle car,
angry, but underneath,

it's very technical.
It's very European.

The gearbox is at the back for better
weight distribution, and it's the same
double clutch,

seven-speed box Ferrari
use in the California.

The driveshaft is made from carbon
fibre, so it only weighs four kilograms.

The body, the chassis, everything else is
made from aluminium. This car is very light.

This isn't a supercar.
It's a sports car.

It's been lightened, stripped out.

It sacrifices rear seats, yes.
But it just feels alive.

Pure, direct, immediate.

The other two are going to get
all the admiring looks, yes.

But that's my point.

I'm not driving around in this
for other people's benefit.

I'm driving around in this
because I love driving it. End.

'Meanwhile, in the high-tech Ferrari, the
man from 1947 was having a bit of a
struggle. '

James, how are you getting
on with the steering wheel?

You've no idea how
it works, have you?

Don't want to sound old fashioned
or like a stuck in the mud,

but you've got the two paddles to
change the gears, there are six

little switches and buttons
behind for the stereo,

the indicators, they're two buttons
on the wheel, the headlamp,

high and low beam, that's there
and the wipers are there,

the comfort suspension setting,
the engine start button -

all on the steering wheel.
Nothing for the rest of the car to do.

That's all very clever,
that is the modern way...

'As Victor Meldrew droned on, we
plunged deeper into North Carolina.

'The birthplace of what is by far the
world's number one spectator sport.

'NASCAR.'

Always wanted to go
to a NASCAR track.

'So we did. And a
rather special one. '

It's not a modern 250,000
seater leviathan.

It's Wilkesboro Speedway,
America's first oval track.

This is where NASCAR began.

Wow!

There is something desperately
spooky about a disused racetrack.

'The historic tarmac
was very tempting,

'and luckily, the Mayor and the
lady who runs the track were around,

'so we asked if we could
have a little go. '

If we promise to
behave ourselves...

If you promise.
Just for nostalgia's sake.

Raise your hand. I promise...
I promise... I solemnly promise...

I solemnly promise...

If I wreck, I wreck...
If I wreck, I wreck...

If I die, I die... If I die, I die.
You're good. High-five!

Never high-fived a mayor before.
Right, chaps!

Little drive. I solemnly promised, with my
hand in the air, that we'd wouldn't go fast.

'Sadly, though, we forgot. '

Put it in sport plus. Now let's go!

LEDs, change gear, yes.

Oh, no, we're now actually racing.

We're the thickest
men on God's earth!

'I wasn't being thick, actually.

'I was trying to coax
James into a problem. '

Hammond, what is it that happens

when you drive a Ferrari
458 very fast on a hot day?

I believe it catches fire.

Yeah, yeah, only a
few have caught fire.

So far - it's only been
on sale a few months -

five Ferrari 458s
have burnt to a crisp

because the glue in the rear wheel arches
gets too hot and burns the car out.

Can't imagine James
is relaxing in there.

Thanks for that

'Because my car didn't catch fire,
Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo. '

How do you get the arse
to kick out on this thing?

Yes! Ha-ha!

This can only end badly.

'And with a certain
inevitability, it did. '

Christ!

Well done. Well done. I think that
wedon't need to do any more driving.

However, there was in fact a long way to
go, which meant I needed to replace the
ruined tyre.

The SLS doesn't have a spare.

But then, Boss Hogg stepped in.

This is Robert Johnson, the
Mayor of North Wilkesboro.

Howard Myers, I need your help.

You need to get Tom McNeal back
down to his tyre shop for us

to get a tyre put on this Mercedes.
Have him call me, chop-chop.

I don't think Boris Johnson
would do this for us!

I was just thinking, that was quite
a surprise call from the Mayor!

'Down at the tyre shop, the
fitter only spoke hillbilly. '

I got 04040, it takes a
ramp lamp to change them.

Wassname, used to
be on Main Street...

HE MUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY

'Roughly translated, he
didn't have the right tyre.

'So Boss Hogg got back on the phone
and found another man who thought

'he might have something
suitable in stock. '

Will they go on those wheels? Yes. Let's
go. It's only a mile down the road. And
he's got these tyres?

Let's go. What, so, like, us go?

Are you going to just leave me?
I thought I would, actually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you do.

I don't make a fuss.
Do you like badger bait?

Not going to be the same without the big
ape, is it? What a bin lid, honestly!

He is a yobbo, though, isn't he?

Four laps and he'd trashed
it just by messing about.

He doesn't think ahead.

I can still hear
you, you shortarse!

'While the midget and the pedant
drove on to that night's hotel,

'I pulled in at tyre
shop number two,

'where I hoped the owner would
be easier to understand. '

Do you think this will work?

Oh, yeah. It will? I got a cheating tank
back here, all wired in. It'll shoot out
eight at one time.

'However, in the back, I met a man
who did speak a bit of English.

'He explained how, in the 1940s,
the original NASCAR drivers

'had started out as bootleggers
running moonshine. '

So the idea was, you put the big
engines to outrun the police?

Exactly. That was the idea.

And then that's how NASCAR was born,
people racing the cars they'd built for...

They built the little dirt
track down there in 1947.

And this was for bootleggers to
just see who had the fastest car?

See who had the fastest car. Thatthey'd
build to outrun the police?Yeah. That's how
it all began?

Then they all started
racing each other.

'While I was soaking up the local history,
James and Richard had arrived at the
overnight halt. '

It's not a motel.
It's a bit posher than that.

The villas have actually got
garages on them. That's quite good.

Brookside, isn't it? We're
goingto be in a soap opera. Ace!

MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO

Do you know this song?Steve Earle.
Copperhead Road.

It's all about doing up
cars to run moonshine.

# Copperhead road! #

# Heard mama cryin', knew
something wasn't right

# He was headed down to
Knoxville with the weekly load

# You could smell the whiskey
burnin' down Copperhead Road... #

'This was the most memorable
tyre shop I'd ever been to.

'However, nothing they had on the shelves
would fit the Merc's massive rims. '

No. No.

'Which left me with
just one option. '

So, I'm now driving
on a ruined tyre

115 miles to the hotel where we've
been booked into by the producers,

which is in Virginia.

Which is in another state.

With a bit of luck, I'll have fallen
asleep at the wheel when the tyre bursts.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll pick that up later on.

But now, it's time to do the news.

And the big news is,

James and Richard have both had a
horrible accident with a Flymo.

No, listen! You must have noticed. It was
the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost
the hair. I'm done.

And you actually think it's ended,
dressed as Adam and the Ants?

He's Sergeant Pepper. I've moved on. What
would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?

You can shut up, because in that film, you
looked like Ted Nugent and now you look
like Kojak.

Where's it gone?

It is noticeable, mate. That froma man,
ladies and gentlemen, whopresumably was
bald until puberty.

Thank you. It is traditional
at this time of year

that we take a look at some of the
excellent gift items available

this Christmas for the
motorist in your life.

Are you reading from a catalogue?
It sounds that way!

As we've established, in that film,yo
u are a Porsche enthusiast. Yes, I am.

So what I've got for you here isa
Porsche-designed training shoe. Oh-ho!

L310. Ooh! Presumably, if it is
a Porsche, the laces are extra?

Oh, yes. And the soles and this bit.
"Sir wants TWO shoes?"

Two shoes? That's 1,900...

I am indeed a Porsche fan. You are a
Mercedes fan, are you you not? Yes, I am.

You'd be interested in the shirt Mercedes
are encouraging their customers to buy.

I've got one for you here.
Here is the Mercedes shirt.

It's a vest a with
"TRUCKER" written on it.

It's a vest with "TRUCKER" on it. It's not
a Mercedes. It is, it says Mercedes on it.

It's the Bruce Willis look.
Yippie-kay-ay, mother trucker!

Or Rab C Nesbitt. Beer and
egg yolk stains are extra!

I would rather have that than a
Porsche car. Really? I would.

Now, you know those air-fresheners
you can get for cars,

and they're always mountain dew and
spring breeze? Alpine stream...

All they are really is just
mildly scented bottles of sick.

Now, how much better would it be if
your air-freshener smelt of bacon?

Everybody likes... Well, not
Jews and Muslims. Or pigs.

Then they'd think they're on fire. Not them.
But nobody can makea bacon air-freshener.

Well, that, you see, is where you're wrong.
Bacon air-freshener. No way!For your car.

That's a proper idea! This is genuinely
a brilliantChristmas present idea.

Let's just pop it open and we
shall invite people to smell...

Smell that. It's bacon.
Just. Ohh! It is bacon.

Seriously, seriously.
It's not fresh bacon.

I actually think this
could cure vegetarianism.

If a vegetarian gets in your car and that's
dangling, they'll want a meat pie in a
jiffy. Brilliant plan.

I would like to make... Moving on, more
Christmas presents. Yes, another gift.

Bachelors, this is important,
pay attention. At some point,

any day soon, you might persuade a lady to
come back to your pad, and at some point in
the evening,

as things are warming up, maybe you'll
going to want to dim the lights, and that
is where...

this comes in.

It's a Bugatti dimmer switch.

She is going to operate that and
immediately take an interest

in what you will look like naked.
Look at that. Oh, it's hot!

At some point she may say to you, the lady,
after she's fiddled with your dimmer switch,

"What time is it?" and you can
produce your steering wheel clock.

Wow! And this will tell her the time
and that you're a motoring enthusiast.

Actually, "Oh dear," she might say,
"I've broken a nail," but that's OK,

because this novelty nail clipper is
in the shape of a car, look at that.

You could try and change the mood. "Would
you like a cup of coffee, my darling?"

And here it is, in this piston mug!

Or, maybe she is a sophisticate
and would like a glass of Chablis,

but that's OK, because you can put it in
this tasteful... sorry... steering wheel
coaster.

Yeah, and it doesn't matter if
she doesn't finish the Chablis,

because this gearstick stopper will keep
it fresh until another lady comes round.

Slick! Slick, yeah!

Sticking with gearsticks, I have a
gearstick toothpick for the lady.

What, that's a toothpick?!

Well, only if you get Esther Rantzenback to
your flat. Yeah. Or Janet Street-Porter.
Either way.

Yes. No, actually, on the subject of Janet
Street-Porter, if you do get a toothy woman
back,

you might want to show them this, which is
a model that you make of an internal
combustion engine.

She's going to be wowed. Yes. Now,
here's one I made earlier. There we are.

You draw the lady over, she's seen you
dimmer switch, and she can see the pistons
going up and down.

Look at that. And you can see the spark
plugs flashing if I push that light.

Mate, that is going to work better than
a dozen oysters. She's going to be hot!

She'll be pawing the ground by now!

It's working.
Would that do it for you?

Yeah. You are in for a whole night of suck,
squeeze, bang, blow with that, aren't you?

What, is that the right order?

It is for that.

Ah, now, Rich, would
you like some pussy?

LAUGHTER

Well, it wasn't on my mind
right now, it is now. I... Eh?

Pussy, energy drink.

I see! I did wonder.
What flavour is it?

Flavour?

Leave it! Leave it!

Steady on, man. Leave it!

Yeah, moving on.
I'd like to introduce something

for which I thought, "I'm
going to struggle to find

a motoring application,
" because what it is is,

this machine is controlled
by your iPhone with an app

and it flies up in the air and
there's a camera on it, there.

I thought, "Hang on, that could be very
useful". Imagine if you're in a traffic
jam, yeah?

You're wondering what's caused it
open the sunroof, send this out...

So it's like a traffic drone?

It sends a picture to your
phone so you can have a look.

"Oh, that's what's caused
it, I'll turn round".

So you know what we're on
about, this is the phone.

Hold it up. So it's sending a
picture to this telephone of me,

so you can fly it about and
control it from your telephone.

How brilliant is that?
Now, this is around, what is it?

L300 or so. So it's
quite a lot of money,

but it is actually very easy
to fly, as I'm going to...

Are you sure you should be doing this?
Yes, I'm the man for the job.

Given your inability to do
anything technical. There it goes.

Oh god! People are going to get hurt.
Look at this! No, no!

Tilt the phone forwards...

I'm genuinely scared!

Now go backwards... No! No! No!

No! No! I've hit the lighting.

Oh, great!

APPLAUSE

Now you've fused the lights.

Yes, you've fused the lights.
It actually says "cut out emergency"

on the screen.
'Get a spark to the set. '

There you go, you've broken
the studio. No, no, no...

You've broken it!

I've broken it a bit,
but I think, listen...

No, no, no, I've got this.
Well, that's not going to work, is it?

That's fine, that's not
at all distracting.

What about that? Brian, has
that really fused the lights?

'Yes, it has. ' Listen, we've got a million
motoring-related candles here, we'll just
light these.

Light some candles,
that'll do nicely.

Let's make it a Christmas scene,
plus candles will make it warmer...

Ow, I've set fire to my thumb.

This is very nice and...
Oh, hang on.

Hold a candle up near where you
are and then we can see you.

Are we all right? Can you see us all right?
Are we on the screen?

I think this is better!

This is quite nice.

Normally at this point in the programme
we would have a high-performance car

out on the track and the Stig would be
sitting a time in it for us, but we can't
because he's gone.

He has. Stig has gone. Yeah.

We're like Genesis now.
We're not like Genesis!

We are, and then there were three.

I hate Genesis!

I hate the Stig. Well, yeah.

Mind you, at least we
know his real name now.

What? Judas Iscariot.

LAUGHTER

Very festive. Well, it
would be if it was Easter.

The thing is though, I think he's broken
the first rule we learn at school.

Never take your jumper off while
you're having a cigarette?

No, no, no, he has broken -
"never rat on your friend".

Actually, the other way,
never cat on your friends.

No, it's rat, not cat. Cat.

Cats are disloyal.
No they're not. They are!

Well, they're not. Well, they are.

I've got a cat, I've had him for
13 years, he's perfectly loyal.

I guarantee, if you got stuck in a
snowdrift with your cat he would eat you.

Rucksack would not eat me.

You've got a cat and you agree.

Yeah, that cat you gave me,
Richard Hammond... hates me.

I can't do anything about that, neither
can I blame the cat, to be honest.

The fact is, if I was only three inches
tall but the same person, the cat would
kill me.

I don't like cats
because they... What?

There's a fire.

I had some notes...

Just put it in there.

Sorry. Put it in there.

Just get rid of it.
It's gone, there, it's gone.

Forget the fire. It's no big deal.

Cats, you were saying.
Cats, what they do is they find...

They...

That's worse!

You've set fire to the tree.

It's worse! The tree's going up,
stand back, that's quite dangerous!

Get back every...
Can I suggest we move on?

No, seriously, I've got to
save the television, you idiot.

Pour some Pussy on it.
That's a good idea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes! I've put the Christmas
tree out with some Pussy.

Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's get back to our film.

Because Jeremy,
annoyingly, had managed

to nurse his Mercedes
with a ruined rear tyre

to the hotel in Virginia, and we pick
up the action the following morning.

We were woken early, partly by the
noise at the front of our chalet,

and partly by the
noise at the back.

Sorry, James.

It didn't open. Morning.

Morning. How are you?

Great. What is this about?

It was the man with the strimmer at
half five I liked. What? Oh, yeah.

I know, it's a new range,
they're ever so fashionable.

That's very funny. Chaps, there's
a racetrack in the garden.

'There are golf resorts
and skiing resorts,

'but this is a motor
racing resort, a hotel with

'tea and coffee-making
facilities in the rooms,

'and in the garden, the
Virginia International Raceway.

'Paul Newman described this place
as heaven on earth, so we've put

'new tyres on the SLS
and went for a spin. '

OK, here we go.
Virginia International Raceway.

Right, red light's coming on.

Gear changes are just
spectacularly good.

There's some very clever
aerodynamics stuff on this.

Those little moustache things on the
front, the rubbery bits you can see

on the grill, they actually
deform at speed, and that way they

improve the air flow and increase
the downforce at the same time.

Now, watch this.

James has gone off like
a scalded proverbial.

'The Porsche has 450 horsepower,
110 less than the Ferrari,

'but I was confident that, despite
this, I could catch James. '

That mechanical grip, everything working
to keep those back wheels on the deck.

The wing, the tyres, and, of
course, where the engine is.

This is a track-bred car,
this is what it's for.

'The SLS, on the other hand,
is not a track-bred car. '

Looks like a big corner.
How hard can it be?

Oh, deary me!

I may have got the
tail out a bit there.

Richard's Porsche, that was
designed specifically...

Oh, heavens above!

How can I have gone off?

It's just so insanely tail-happy.

'Further up the track,

'my little Porsche was
closing in on the Ferrari. '

Go, go, go, go, go! Catch him.

The Ferrari's got the legs
on me on the straight.

Nothing I can do about that.

'My only chance, then, was to
catch him in the corners. '

Carbon ceramic brakes, not fading.

Boy am I glad at that, because this
is some punishment they're getting.

'Meanwhile, in the dog
with the waggly tail... '

Oh, my God!

Every time you go near the
throttle, the back's out.

'But actually, I couldn't care less
about catching Richard and James. '

This is the thing about this car...

You can hurl it about, smoke
pouring from the rear end,

and you're going unbelievably slowly,
but with a massive smile on your face.

That is the AMG way.

Ha-ha!

They're quicker than
me, but I'm laughing!

And I bet they're not!

'I was right. Because their
race was getting serious. '

Braking, you idiot! Ooh, BLEEP!

There you go.

Gaining a little bit there.

Go on!

Blind hill!

Argh!

Seemed slow through
there, James. Ho-ho-ho!

Hammond's going to be chuffed.

No! Ooh, could have had him there.

Come on. Keep with him.

Keep the power on
til over this one.

That's a big one.

Yeah, that might, that
might have put me out.

Ye-es! As we know, viewers,

staying on the track
is all part of racing.

'So even with Captain Slow at the
wheel, the Ferrari ruled the track.

'And Jeremy, who had gone through
yet another set of tyres... '

Good to see he's learning
at his usual rate.

'.. was typically
gracious in defeat. '

Obviously on the straight,I co
uld easily have you. Could you?

Yeah. On a straight line
this will munch you.

I don't think it will.
I could walk past you.

I don't know, you see.

Do you want L5 on it?
On television?

L5 says that in a straight
line, drag race, I have you.

'But before we could do the
race, a challenge arrived. '

"At this racetrack you can do
so much more than race your car.

"You can also, for
instance, learn...

"Learn how to do a
drive-by shooting.

"To see which of your cars
has the most stable ride,

"an instructor will drive
while you shoot at a target

"through the passenger window. "

I didn't see that coming!

Quite clever, if you think about it,
because if it's bumpy... It works.

How big's the target? Are we
allowed to open the window first?

We'll choose the target, I think, gentlemen.
We'll choose the target.

First, though, we were
given weapons training

which made Jeremy Van
Damme very excited.

Insert it in the bottom firmly.

GUNS CLICK

Oh! I Like that!

With a good grip, it's going to,
in a sense, not kick up so much.

Nice and firm grip, and
as you punch straight out,

sight in on the target, and you
hold it up on the target, fire!

GUNFIRE

In the throat!

GUNFIRE Got him in the
heartand the spleen.

'Eventually it was time to
tear Van Clarkson away... '

Got him in the face!

'.. because it was time
to put up the targets. '

'And then work out
a scoring system. '

50, 50, 100, 10. That's probably
the industry standard somewhere.

'Magnum PI was the first to go. '

He's got to go for testes.
He will do.

GUNFIRE

Going for the plums.

Going for the torso.

He got his arse, he
shot him in the arse!

And the elbow! Ha-ha!

'Hammond was next, but first he
wanted to make some adjustments. '

What's he doing?

What's are you doing?
Turning him round.

Why? So I can shoot him in the back!
Because that's how it's done -

in the back!

So he'll be having a normal day,
thinking everything's going fine...

Thinking about seeing his mates,
and doing something together,

and then he'll be shot in the back!

That's what I thought
would be nice to do.

He looks like Don Johnson
out of Miami Vice.

He does, actually.

RAPID GUNFIRE

Wow! It's disturbing, isn't it?

A man who lives in the countryside,

drives a Land-Rover, and
is that good with a gun.

I went to art college, you know.

May have been wasting my time.

'It then turned out that the SLS had
clearly been designed with drive-by
shootings in mind. '

Yeah, I didn't think of that.
What pistol's he supposed to be using?

Safety is off.

INTENSE GUNFIRE

I'm on fire! Ow! BLEEP!

'Once Jeremy had been put
out, we totted up my score. '

You've got him in the stomach.

That's so close to the
testes in this area.

So, James May, you
have scored 80 points.

'The backwoodsman,
however, did even better. '

50. You've got a head shot. 145.

'Then it was Jeremy's turn. '

So it's 100 for the plums shot.

20, 30, 40, 50,

175, 205, 210...

245 points...

in the ride test Stig-shootingdrive-by
competition. Yes.

The next morning we were told
to head to New York City.

A lifetime away thanks to
the insane speed limits.

James?

Yeah?

'I'm bored. '

'I was just thinking exactly that,

'but I was too bored to pick
up the radio to say it. '

'Shall we see...

'No, we mustn't see who's got
the fastest car here, must we?'

I tell you what, let's
have a race from 45-55mph.

Right. That's a good idea.
The shortest race in history.

Right, Hammond, give us a cue.

Ready, and go!

'I won. '

That is not a spectator sport.

'Right, Hammond, you come up
front, and we'll have SLS vs. 911.'

'Starter's orders, gentlemen. '

At 45-55 Racing, here from
the state of Virginia -

3, 2, 1, go!

Yes!

My new motor sport kept us
entertained until lunchtime, when

we asked the sat-nav in Jeremy's
Mercedes to find us a restaurant.

Right, restaurants.
African cuisine,

Austrian, Balkan, Belgian.
What do you want?

I want Balkan. Get me Balkan.

Sadly there weren't any of
those restaurants in Virginia.

Small Coke. Small Coke, thanks.

You know, I discovered a
flaw with the American way.

You can buy a small coke, which
is, like, a dollar, or a big one,

which is 2, because you get
more, but you get free refills.

So, why would you buy a big one
unless you were a bit thick?

I can't take him seriously in
those sunglasses. No, I can't.

Oh, sorry. Damn, I've
come on another film shoot

with two style gurus.

After lunch we made a small
detour to Washington DC

which was nothing like
it appears in the films.

SIRENS BLARE

O... K!

Is that man walking along
playing with his testicles?

So, we left again.
Ploughing towards Maryland,

where James and Jeremy decided
to settle their wager.

James, look at that.

That sign. Drag racing.

'You're on - let's do it. '

Not a lot of point in Hammond's
taking part in this because his

trophy car is no match
for the Premiership here.

This is a big battle
we're about to do.

Ferrari vs. AMG. Ha-ha!

'The raceway was
extremely slippery. '

But both our cars were
fitted with sophisticated

launch control systems.

Right. Put it in drive.

Engage the sport setting
on the traction control.

Turn everything off, then
you select first gear.

Turn the gearbox all the way round.
Confirm I want it.

Press this button, PS.
Then, woomph! Off I go.

'The idea of launch control is

'to minimise wheelspin in
conditions like these. '

Here we go.

Here we go.

That's the worst launch
control in history.

Mind doesn't work either, but the
Ferrari system learns the surface.

I'm going to do it again.

Here we go.

Americans can do this.

'For the actual race we decided

'to ditch the launch control
and do the start ourselves. '

Here we go.

Go!

'That didn't work either, so
we lined up the cars once more

'and put the gearboxes
in automatic. '

Go!

'But no matter what we
did, it was hopeless. '

'Eventually, by being
extremely cautious,

'I got the Ferrari to the
end of the drag run. '

Being gentle.

'But Jeremy can't do gentle. '

Come on!

Ah-ha!

Now, as I think we
can see from that,

I won, and you two, in fact, lost.
I wasn't even in it.

Never mind that. You were
too heavy-footed, as usual.

Just because you're light in your
loafers, it doesn't mean anything.

Can you two just stop
arguing? No. Yes.

Yes, because it is now time to put a
star in our reasonably priced car.

Now, my guest tonight is
responsible for making some of my

all-time favourite films - Slumdog
Millionaire, Trainspotting,

28 Days Later, the
list goes on and on.

His latest film is the true story
of a man who cuts his own arm off.

So, inappropriate though it may
be given the circumstances,

would you please put
your hands together...

For Danny Boyle!

APPLAUSE

What an honour! Thank you so much!

Thank you very much. Have a seat.

Thank you very much.
I'm sorry about the mess.

We had a small fire and
some things got broken.

Try and ignore that.

Now, I've been looking
through your car history

and am I right in saying,
you're not really a car person?

I'm not really. The only exciting
car I've had was an Alfa Romeo.

But it was only a 156, and I just
got so many points so quickly.

It's like they say - cars like that just
attract policemen, thieves and girls.

And there weren't any girls
attracted by it, so I gave it up.

So, the Alfa, the only decent car you had,
and you need to have an Alfa to be a
petrolhead, you can't

be one unless you've had an Alfa,
you sold because it was too quick.

Yes. Right. That's good. That means
we don't have to talk about cars.

We can talk about your films. Which, I'm
afraid, I'm much more interested in.

If you don't mind me saying, what
I really love about your stuff is

that you never really know what the
next Danny Boyle film's going to be.

I mean Trainspotting's completely
different, say, to Slumdog Millionaire.

Which is completely different to Sunshine,
which is my personal favourite. Oh,
fantastic.

I'm touched by that because
it didn't do very well.

In fact, nobody went to see it.

A lot of those people are here because,
as I was walking round the back,

there were loads of people looking
at me thinking, "Who's he?"

I think, I have this theory

that your first film is
always your best film.

And you can only ever make one film, like
you can only lose your virginity once,

but you should always try and get
back to that state, if you can.

What, losing your virginity again?If
you can. That would be perfect.

Your first feature
was Shallow Grave.

So you would say that was your best film?
Would you say that was better than
Trainspotting?

My dad certainly thinks so because
he's seen every single one

of my films and he says
the same thing every time.

He says, "Well, it was good but it
wasn't as good as Shallow Grave. "

And he's said that every time,
including Slumdog Millionaire.

Slumdog Millionaire, I believe he told
someone he thought it was "reasonable".

Now, then, er, the new film, 127 Hours.
Tell us about that.

It's about this guy, Aron Ralston,

who got trapped in a canyon
in 2003, in Utah, in America.

A small rock fell on his arm and
pinned him. He couldn't move.

He was trapped, standing up, but
he couldn't move for six days.

And after six days, with a blunt
penknife, he cut his right arm off

in order to get out of there.
It's an incredible story.

It is. We've got a clip here, so you can
have a look at what we're on about. Let's
have a look.

All you've got to remember.

Said everything will be OK.

Oh, my God! Aron!

Aron! Oh!

You liked him.

I don't think we figured
in his day at all.

Kristen!

Help!

HE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

It is. What do you do?
What do you do?

You stay there, trapped and die.
Yes. Or, do you do it?

And of course, you don't do it
at first because you think option

you can hang on to that means
you can keep your right arm.

You think, people will come by.
Somebody will come by eventually.

Or I'll work out a way
of rigging this rope

that I can manage to pull the rock off and
get out of there. It doesn't, of course.

Did you consider the idea of him cutting
his arm off in a sort of wide shot?

Because I have to tell
you, it is pretty gruesome.

I mean, you do see... And the
noise as well, of the bone.

The bone breaking, yes.
That's pretty tough.

It is a magnificent film.

Now, you've been chosen to sort of
head up the Olympic opening ceremony.

And I know you'll be
delighted about that.

We are. We had the mayor here, Boris
Johnson, not that long ago and I made many
suggestions to him.

Has he put any of our
suggestions to you?

He didn't mention anything
that you'd said to him.

So, what are you going to have as the
opening ceremony, if Boris Johnson hasn't
gone for our ideas?

We're going to have something
very different from Beijing.

Because Beijing was the
ultimate opening ceremony.

I thought you meant the closing ceremony,
where the British had a London bus

and David Beckham kicked a ball.

You were a big fan of that. It didn't
really work. We won't be doing that, no.

Not that, but not the 200
million Chinese people?

No, you can't, the British
won't tolerate that. You can't.

Supposedly they rehearsed in
nappies, because if they rehearse

4,000 people and they all want a
toilet break, it's a nightmare.

Supposedly they made them rehearse in
nappies. You're joking. That's what I heard.

You said you were going
to do something intimate.

It will be spectacular as well.

But it will be more
intimate than you realise.

Will it be as spectacular as
something I've just thought of?

Go on, tell us.

OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates
come open, the gates are on fire.

Some Jags come in, XKRs.

On full opposite lock, on fire.

And the guy, instead of having a torch,
on fire, what if the whole man is on fire?

He runs along and leaps into the big
saucer-y thing with the flames and that
goes on fire.

The crowd could be on fire...

Every single thing. Because then
itcould be like Top Gear. Great, OK.

Actually, watch this space. There is
a man on fire. But he's on a bicycle.

Which you will sort of
approve of and sort of not.

A cyclist on fire.

Quite like the sound of that.

Obviously, you came down here,
I thought rather bravely,

not being a car person, particularly,
to go round the lap. Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, it's spectacular.

It probably isn't very good for you to
watch but I enjoyed it so much, I can't
tell you.

Because we had one big problem, because
every single guest that has ever come here,

they are taught to drive round our track
by the Splitter, as he is now called.

Sacked Stig.

So we have to bring the
man out of retirement.

Go to an old people's home. We actually
used Tiff Needell, ladies and gentlemen.

Tiff Needell was the
man that taught you.

What is he like now
he's, what, 150?

He was excellent. Was he?
Yes, he was excellent. He was very good.

And, provided I've done it in
less than 127 seconds, I'm OK.

That's the task I've set.
127 seconds?That's a good target to set.

Who'd like to see Danny's lap?
Yeah! Let's have a look.

Look at that reasonably priced
brown car go. Wheelspin.

Better on the limiter, Danny.

Tiff would have been proud of that.
'He said to watch the limiter. '

That's BLEEP.

There's one in there somewhere.
Right, here we go.

Taking it very wide there.

This is obviously Tiff's line.

You see, that looks slow... Get on
the power. Get on the power, come on.

No, don't get on the power.
And you haven't, you see? Keep it tidy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not very good. BLEEP.

You looked like Jim Bowen
there, that was a worry.

Now the hammerhead.
I know it looks slow, but...

When you're inside
it, it feels so fast.

It's unbelievable.

Right, full throttle. BLEEP.

Handle thing's come off.

The gear lever came off?

Well, that would
slow you down a bit.

That's a great camera there.

That's another very wide
line, but I like that way in.

It's very good. And you stayed on.

Now we're going round
Gambon without any problem.

And there we are, ladies and
gentlemen, across the line!

CHEERING

Well done.

I'm just thinking, is the next Danny Boyle
film going to be the Fast And The Furious
32?

Can we have a car film from Danny Boyle?
Can we have Mad Max IV?

I'd love to make a proper car film.
Like a Mad Max film.

Mad Max would be brilliant. Did you see
Doomsday? That was a good one. Yeah, I did.
It had a good cast.

Except it was shot in Spain and he
hoped we would think it was Scotland.

No, it wasn't raining. Right, come on then,
where do you think you've come? It was wet.

So these are the wet times here. Angelina
Jolie. That's not the actual Angelina Jolie.

That was Bill Bailey pretending
to be Angelina Jolie.

1:50:08. That's the fastest we've
ever had in that car. Danny Boyle,

you did it in...

1:47:08,

which means you have done
the fastest-ever wet lap!

Oh!

Congratulations.

Really? That's Tiff.

You've got to say for Tiff.

That is Tiff, that.
That's amazing. Oh, cool!

All these years, the Stig has been
coming and slowing celebrities down.

And we bring a pensioner
out of retirement.

Or you could have a natural talent
you've only just discovered.

And that was the first time you've ever
driven in anger on a track? In a your whole
life?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a remarkable achievement.

It's such a buzz.
Thank you for letting me do it.

It was a great day. If there's any thank
yous to bedone, it's the other way.

I've wanted to meet you for years and years.
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Boyle.

Thank you. Cool!

That's a good time.

That won't be beaten for a while.

OK. It is now time for the third and final
part of our trans-America drive film.

We're on our way to New York in
the Mercedes SLS. The Ferrari 458.

And the brilliant Porsche GT3 RS.

And we rejoin the action on
a bridge near some water.

Chaps, obviously I'm aware of this,
but just for the record, where are we?

Urr, Well, we've done Maryland,
I think we're in Pennsylvania.

Righto, Pennsylvania it is.
I like it.

After a while we found
ourselves in Amish country,

which we thought would be full of people in
aprons building barns and drinking lemonade.

I love to see a horse and carriage.

Look at that. It's fantastic.

However, we were in for a shock.

It does say that, doesn't it?

It does. It does say that.

That's what it says. And it is
the name of the town. It's not...

Welcome to... That.

You don't think there was a hamlet called
Foreplay down there we should have popped
into first?

We quickly left Amish country and
were delighted a few hours later

to find ourselves approaching
somewhere a bit less smutty.

Well, this is it. Noo Yoik.

And the following morning we were told
to report to Brooklyn for a challenge.

Right.

"You have been booked to appear at 11
o'clock this morning on an American chat
show.

"The studio is on West 59th Street
near its junction with 11th Avenue.

"There's only time for one of you to
appear, so the first to arrive gets the
gig. " Can I just ask,

it doesn't say I
can't use my sat-nav.

Nor me.

I haven't got sat-nav.
Shall we do it? Have we got an hour?

Yes.

Chat show.

Three, two, go! OK.

Set navigation. City of Manhattan.

Where's M. A...

How do you enter West
59 in the sat-nav?

It's not easy, but luckily
I've managed it. Goodbye.

Looking good, looking good.
Done it. Go.

Up ahead, the Porsche
was on Brooklyn Bridge

zooming towards Manhattan.

Which made Stuart
Little very nervous.

No. No. My God.
Look at it. It's huge.

I'm a country boy.
That's just a fact.

Cities terrify me.

They're just big and complicated and
full of people who shout at you.

Here we go.

The producers had given
us only one rule.

We weren't allowed to use the ring
roads that go up Manhattan shoreline.

But no matter. Us sat-nav boys
were feeling pretty relaxed.

Hello, America.

Manhattan TV studio
and then the world.

Could be Good Morning America.
That is a big show.

Hammond will be desperate
to get there first.

Because ever since he was a foetus, he's
been destined to appear on American
television.

With his teeth and his
hair and everything.

Do I want Pearl Street?

Park Road south?
I don't know! I don't know.

James steamed into Manhattan
full of confidence.

Park Road South, keep right.

Keep left, yes.

But soon he had a problem.

I've lost the satellite signal.

It's the buildings.

Annoyingly, though, Manhattan
suited James's love of order

and logic because the streets are
laid out in a numbered grid system.

You can only go four ways. You can go
east or west or you can go north or south.

There's no windy stuff, and there's very
little in the way of diagonal stuff.
Concentrate.

In the SLS, the sat-nav was not affected by
the buildings, but it was being very German.

Ah, you see, the sat-nav
has selected the ring road.

Look, it's judged to take me up.

I can't do that.

I drove deeper into the heart of the
city to force the system to think again.

Sat-nav's still trying to make me go
on the ring road. I can't do that.

Attention! Turn left... No!

I can't go on the ring road.

I'm going to shut her up.

If I just keep heading north
until I get to 59th Street.

How hard can that be?

All of us were now relying
on intelligence alone to find

the TV studio, and if I'm honest, that did
put Stuart Little at a bit of a
disadvantage.

No, no. I don't want to go.

No? How do I not go in the tunnel?

I'm not going to panic. I'm not
going to panic. Not going to panic.

I've indicated with the
windscreen wipers - that's bad.

Right. Going north.

I'll start to count off
street numbers in a minute.

Just keep going until I get to 59.

Captain OCD was making
storming progress.

14th street. This is good.

I wonder where Jezza is.

Annoyingly, the northbound street
I'd selected was a bit busy.

Nothing I can do.
I'm completely jammed in.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

A bit more panicking. Move!

23rd Street. They're tumbling.

I was so confident, I decided
to weave round bottlenecks.

Down there... It's easy!

Oh, no.

East 14th Street.

I've got to go to 59!

And I've now got 36
minutes to get there.

Still, could be worse.

There's Hammond! That's Hammond!

Dear... Aaah! That doesn't...

What am I doing wrong?

At that moment, I was asking
myself the same question.

BLEEP. Done it wrong.

I must have caught the rear
alloy on the corner of that.

Right now it's the back
wheel over there. Good?

Having lost valuable time, I decided
to stick to the main streets.

Avenue of the Americas.
This is good.

This is an astonishing road,
the Avenue of the Americas.

Look at that. Concrete canyon!

I think I just saw
James over there.

Yes! Ha ha! Look what I've found!

Jezza.

That's interesting.

It was very tempting to finally see
which of our cars was the fastest.

We mustn't do this.

And then we decided that we must.

Going to go manual.

This burst of acceleration could
decide who goes on American television!

Sadly, before the race was done,
we hit traffic. So I braked...

and bailed. That's that.

Oh, he's turned off.

Oh, very bold!

Jeremy and I were now
trying different tactics.

He was wiggling in the back streets, and I
was on the big road, hoping the lights
would be kind.

This race is now a race.

47th... 48th...

49th. Ten to go.

It's just green, green, green.

My plan hadn't worked and I
was in a complete tangle.

Broadway is one way.

Oh, no!

What's the next one?

If I go to 7th... On, no, 7th
is one way as well. It is.

So I have to go left.

Oh, spiffing!

This is just ludicrous.

There's only one road goes north.

All the others go south.

Still, could be worse.

Broadway?

Isn't that where the theatres are?
Look at that! Look at that!

I am on Broadway. Broadway!

Hang on... Broadway's...
I'm going the wrong way.

More green lights, look at this!

56th, 57th...

I wonder if it's Letterman.

58th.

Right, this is 59th.

Hello, America.

This is James May in
the latest Ferrari.

Come on!

All I had to do was stick with 59th
Street for five blocks. Keep going.

But at this roundabout,
59th Street just... stopped.

Oh, God!

Oh, this is where
it gets difficult.

Now I was relying on my famously
brilliant sense of direction.

I'm going that way.

That was a hunch.

Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided to
replace navigation with raw power.

47th...

Come on!

Oh, God above!

How can Amsterdam only be one way?

What is the point?

Right, I'll go across...
Oh, I can't go down there.

BLEEP!

All the lights are green.

And 53.

63. That's pedestrianised.

Oh, it's all going wrong.

Let me go down a
street, for God's sake!

Now I've got to get across.

9th. I want to go to 11th, it's
near the junction with 11th.

66th. Here we go.

West End Avenue. Lovely word!

Five streets to go.

10th. Is this 11th?

Off up here...

Come on!

61...

60...

58.

59th. Yes.

Oh, no! No!

No! No, that's not possible.

There's a Ferrari.
I cannot believe it.

Meanwhile... Avenue of
the Americas is here!

That's what I want.

There you go, ha ha!

Going to launch my
career in America!

Stuart was quite upset
when he finally arrived...

Oh, ahhh.

Damn!

Disappointed? Gutted, actually.

Last. In your Beetle. Yeah.

Don't be disappointed.

But is this the...?

James is in there. In there?

You think he's been talking
to Letterman, don't you?

Yeah. Or Good Morning America.
Yeah. It isn't that.

Inhale, come up. You should
feel a beautiful stretch

in your abductor muscles on
the inside of your left thigh.

Inhale, come up. Move your
arms up to shoulder height.

Let's turn to the right side.

Bring your legs out about
three to four feet apart.

So let's inhale.

Now, start exhaling. Glide your
hands down the back of your body.

Bend your knees if you have to.

JAMES COUGHS

Take a break. I'm sorry.

APPLAUSE

So there we are.

There we are, no question at all,
the Mercedes was the best car.

Apart from the fact it was so tail happy,
it needed a new set of tyres every 500
yards!

Look, the Ferrari was
the best looking,

it got me to the studio first, it
was the fastest round the track...

It cost twice as much
as the Porsche...

Listen, Stuart, you are
out of this one, OK?

And we are completely out of time.

No, we really are. This programme
is already 67 minutes long, yes?

Thing is, though, James is insisting
we settle our L5 bet. Here we go.

Now we'll find out
which is the quickest.

Three, two, one...

I've got 563 horse
power, he's only got 562.

That is a remarkable
getaway by the Fezza.

Let's see that extra horse!

Here it comes!

Here comes that horse!
That is remarkably close!

Look at it! Come on! Come on!

I'm going to get him
by a nose! Yes! Yes!

Close. Really close!
That was very close.

Want to give it to me now? No.

Hand it over now, come on.

Hang on, let's settle this,
because it was close.

It was in fact a photo finish.

And I have the photo here.

Have a look at that. Oh. Yeah.

Aha ha! Oh!

No, it really was that close!

I'm afraid it's a draw!

Good. I keep my fiver!

But, on that bombshell,
it is now time to end.

We shall be back on Boxing Day at eight
o'clock with our annual Christmas Special,

in which we are the three wise men
and we go from the East - Iraq,

to be precise - to the birthplace
of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem.

We hope to see you then, but in the
meantime, please have a very, very happy
Christmas. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
//www.addic7ed.com/

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