Original subtitles

My fuck boys are here.

Hi, boys.

Sassie, Allan.

Don't be so formal. Call me Copy Allan.

Well, are you fresh, are you ready, are you on fire?

Apart from Kasim being on the run from the entire Danish police force,

and my best friend getting his heart broken,

everything's fine, Copy Allan.

Well, it's not my fault. But isn't this great?

You're superstars, and I think you'll win the whole shebang.

-We all think so. -Yeah, all who've come along.

Hi there.

Hi, Sven.

I got us some drinks.

Why did you bring them?

Why? For them to see their prize bull in action, of course.

Playoff is in an hour, so we have to get ready.

Sure, and if you want a gin and tonic...

Or if you want to finger Sassie in the royal suite...

-Drop by the royal suite. -Yeah.

-Henrik has such delicate fingers. -He does, yeah.

-Delicate fingers. -Delicate fingers.

Bring your fingers, Henrik.

The Indonesian kid who sewed these clothes killed themselves.

I'm 100% with you, bro.

-Is it too late to find a stand-in? -I think this colour suits me.

Relax, lads. It's not about what we're wearing.

-It's about how we play. -Is that why you're so ugly?

Actually, yeah.

Henrik, forget Solvej.

Okay?

PRINTSHOP - FREON CRAZY LAN RANDERS

Throwing a flash bang.

-Planting. -Bomb has been planted.

-Hold it. Hold it. -Yes.

-Yeah! -Great, guys.

Just let them plant.

Hold it, hold it. Yes!

Counter-terrorists win.

PRINTSHOP 16 FREON 3

Yeah!

I'm proud of my lads.

We have come this far against so much adversity.

Playing as a team is something very special.

It's a unique sense of community.

It's exactly as in football.

We're thrilled when we score,

everybody knows their place and support each other.

They lift up the ones who make mistakes.

This is what my parents don't understand:

That this is a sport. That it's a struggle.

We'll do anything for each other.

It's a community, and that's what I love.

We're in the final.

You're great, Henrik!

-Henrik! Henrik! -What are you doing?

Yeah!

You're so important for the team.

I'm in the final! I'm in the final!

Yeah! Yes, yes, yes!

Okay, we're in the final.

You'll gather... You'll gather the team.

You're a beast! You can do this.

You're a beast! Get the team together. You're in charge.

You're a beast! Come on! Come on!

Okay, lads. That was a great win, but listen.

I need you to be 100% there at the final tomorrow.

What the fuck? Where are they all?

If I knew where everybody was, I'd exploit it criminally.

Okay.

Salaam aleikum, sister. Sorry, I think I got the wrong room.

Wa aleikum essalaam, habibi. It's me, Kasim.

Why are you dressed like that? Is it Ramadan?

The last thing I need now is for you to be fasting.

You stupid racist. That's not why.

I didn't know the copy idiot would book a four-star hotel.

Can't you piss in the sink, not order room service and act like two stars?

Except for those CCTV cameras.

Nobody looks at those recordings.

All hotels with more than two stars feed directly to the Pentagon.

Less 4Chan, more Counter-Strike, Kasim.

No!

You saw what happened at boot camp.

I don't want to be taken away by a fucking SWAT team.

I want to be ready for the final tomorrow.

Okay, fine. Tell Gustav to come.

He's not here.

Where is Gustav?

Do the stones have to be that hot?

It's good for you circulation, dear.

-He's very thin-skinned. -Many men are.

Seb?

What are you doing here?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm having a hot stone massage.

It's supposed to be... Was it for the circulation?

And it sharpens your focus and concentration.

-How wonderful. -It's good before the final.

All that it sharpens is my urge to take your testicles

and rip them out of your body!

Why's Carina here?

She had to come, in case she goes into labour.

-In case we go into labour. -In case we suddenly go into labour.

You're not due until next week!

You can give birth before the due date.

But you won't!

-Oh? Why not? -Because... I say so!

Besides, hot stone massage is very dangerous for expectant mothers.

Where is Henrik?

Not according to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Come on, Henrik!

That's great, Henrik.

That's so hot, Henrik.

Hi, Sebastian.

Hi.

Is Henrik around?

Henrik? My name is Henrik Johannesen.

Is the other Henrik here?

Turn around!

-I'm off. Shall I close the door? -No, leave it open.

Yep.

There you are.

What are you doing?

Are you looking at this?

-This stuff? -Yeah.

It hurts to see Solvej and Norwegian Chris being so happy.

It's almost as if their happiness is my pain.

Why do you look at that?

I think the same, but I can't help it.

Let me have a look.

What are you doing, Sebastian?

Ouch!

I'm trying to save you.

The biggest match of my life, and hence your life, is tomorrow.

Pull yourself together now! And the rest of them too!

You're the one who has to pull himself together.

-Me? -Yes, you.

You may think you can act like a fool when we're playing some Russians

on Play it Alive online, but this isn't matchmaking, it's reality.

And I'm fed up with your trampling on the people who love you.

Okay. Is this about your phone?

No! It's not about my phone!

If it was about the phone,

I'll buy you a diamond-encrusted one when I sign.

You're never going to get signed.

You're selfish! You're not a team player!

Nobody wants to make you a professional.

-You're just jealous. -No.

I'm saying it because I love you.

You idiot.

I'll play this fucking final, and then I'm done with this game.

It's time for the final of Crazy LAN Randers 2020.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for.

So let me hear it. Are you ready?

Yeah!

It's like B Rabbit in 8 Mile.

You're a beast, Sebastian. A beast.

-Peter Hornsleth? -Sebastian Larsen?

-Do you remember me? -I'm a scout, I remember everyone,

especially a fluorescent fat boy who called me four-eyes.

It was big misunderstanding. It really was, Peter!

-Where are you going, Peter? -Away from you.

Lads, I've acted like an idiot with you, but...

This is what we've been waiting for all our lives. It's now or never.

What matters most to me is winning with you.

Must win! Must fucking win!

-Let's go, Team Printshop! -Yeah!

Team Printshop!

North's second team.

Come on, lads.

Come on, lads.

Isn't he a bit pale?

Charlotte, you threatened me with divorce if I didn't come.

I'm not going to appear caring. It's too humiliating.

He looks even more retarded than usual.

-What? -He looks more retarded than usual.

Come on, Seb. You can do this.

Come on, lads. We can do this.

-Yeah! -Come on!

-Come on. -That's it, boys.

Fuck them up the arse.

We're having a great time on stage.

Let's get the first map going.

Go! Go! Go!

Move it, move it.

We're off.

Let's see what Team Printshop come up with.

After some early mid-control, drive in for Yukai.

Shot in the head by Sebastian.

-Rush B through Banana. -Rushing B through Banana.

-Sitting by the nuke box. -I got it.

Can I be here if I promise to be quiet?

No!

I'll just do like this.

He said no. You have to go.

Printshop wins the pistol round.

Cool, Kasim. You're indispensable.

Henrik opens the round.

He got two with the scout.

The bomb's been planted. Let's see. Will he get a third one?

Yes, he did it.

Defuse.

Henrik made one kill.

-Henrik! -It's so good, Henrik.

Good job.

PRINTSHOP 1 NORTH 1

PRINTSHOP 3 NORTH 2

PRINTSHOP 7 NORTH 6

Great, Henrik!

PRINTSHOP 12 NORTH 12

PRINTSHOP 15 NORTH 14

20 seconds left. It's Printshop's last chance to defuse.

Henrik. Go, go, go, go.

Priest shoots Torsten, but is downed by Conny.

Henrik gets shot by Dimitri, but he has a smoke.

He has a kit. Let's see what he can do.

Yeah!

FML disarms the bomb like a ninja.

This reminds me of Xyp9x in his prime!

-What's happening? -They won.

-Who did? -Team Printshop.

Printshop!

Wow! It's so cool!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

That's the way, boys. How wonderful.

Congratulations.

I didn't understand a thing, but I loved every moment of it.

It was breathtaking. I knew you'd win.

It's best out of three, Dad. We have to win a bit more.

But it's great that you came. I'm so happy you did.

Your mother insisted, so...

and I'm the only one who can drive the convertible.

And your father is very proud of you.

Are you?

This one's for you, Hans.

His name is Brian.

And we're back!

Alright, lads.

And we're back.

We're ready for map 2.

It will be now, it will be nice, it will be go, go, go!

Conny shoots down one.

He shoots two!

-We're fine here. -Go lower.

This is lower.

Shit!

North wins the pistol round.

Let's go, boys.

Another round won by North. They've really woken up.

Come on, lads. We'll be alright.

Sebastian looks lost.

Maybe he's not ready for CS at this level.

Yeah!

And Conny the King gets them all with an ACE.

How do you imagine we will pull through with no flash or smokes?

It's what they least expect.

Printshop's force-buy is very aggressive.

This is either madness or genius.

-Toke! -With no kit, I don't have the time.

This is absolutely insane.

I don't think I've ever seen anything like it.

What awful strats Sebastian calls.

Obviously, the thickest in-game leader in the world.

Sebastian! There, there, Sebastian.

Fucking fuck!

Don't step on the merchandise.

Do you know the cost of printing on cloth?

Shut your arse, Copy Allan!

We're a fucking joke team!

I'm a big, fat loser.

And these orange clothes are fucking ridiculous!

Let's give Sebastian a moment to get back on track.

Good. Let's go to the disabled toilet.

Darling.

I should never have formed that team. I should just give up.

Where is all that coming from?

Tell me.

From Henrik. He said I was selfish.

He said I trample over all the people who love me.

I think he's right.

I trampled on you guys too, didn't I?

You're just passionate and driven, darling.

It's one's own fault if one gets in the way of that.

Don't you think it's a childish project?

It's only childish if you give up.

You can still make it.

I'm not going back in there.

You just need to pull yourself together.

Do you know what?

When you were a baby and you were really upset,

you sucked your thumb.

-I'm not going to suck my thumb. -I promise it will work. Try it.

-Yes? -Okay, okay.

We're back. Last map, Dust 2.

Sebastian shoots Yukai and Torsten. He's back on the server, folks.

Conny is messing with the deagle.

Come on. One for all, all for one. Like the Three Musketeers.

-Come back. -Yeah.

The bomb is on A.

-Retake over short. -Copy.

What will Printshop do? They take up the challenge.

Two against four. Those are bad odds.

This takes North by surprise.

FML and Priests have two kills each

and now they're only one defuse from winning the round.

Hurry up!

-Carina? -Gustav! Gustav!

Why did he stop?

The waters have broken!

Timeout! Timeout!

What are you doing, Gustav?

Priest has walked oft the stage. Team Printshop are taking a time out.

What's up?

-She's coming now? -What? Really?

Breaking waters is just a 24-hour notice.

It only proves you're pregnant. Congratulations on that.

Put on a nappy and hold it in. And get a move on, Gustav.

Shut up, Sebastian! Gustav?

Sit down there. Game on.

Yeah.

Great, Seb. Good hit.

FML kills Conny and wins another round for Printshop.

Retake repelled by North. They're ahead 10 to 9.

PRINTSHOP 9 NORTH 10

Timeout.

Another timeout for Printshop. One more player leaves the stage...

What's going on?

Take some water, you need it. It's sponsored water. Have some.

Solvej, I don't have much time. The timeout is 30 seconds.

-I've left Chris? -Oh?

I couldn't understand what he was saying.

In a relationship, you need understanding.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

-And he didn't like cheese. -That's right.

-I like cheese. -Yeah, I know.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I think about you all the time, and I want to...

I think I've fallen in love with you.

Likewise.

I think I love you.

-Me too. -Do you love yourself?

No, I love you.

You don't need to impress by becoming a dairy technician

or a zookeeper.

That's unnecessary. I want to know the real Henrik.

-Alright? -Yeah.

Er... Yes.

Let me show you what I like, okay?

Stay here.

Come on, lads. Let's kick the shit out of them.

-There. -Who is this?

We're going to smash you!

That's my main orp, damn it.

Henrik is lurking in the pit.

What's happening, Henrik? Where were you?

Henrik is a god with the AWP.

-Way to go, Henrik. -Yeah!

Another round to Team Printshop.

14 all!

Match-point to Printshop.

Didn't I tell you? I told you you'd had it.

-Henrik. -I told them.

Sit down. We haven't won yet.

We're ahead 15-14, but if they win the next one, we go into overtime.

Focus!

-Timeout! -What?

Lads, this could be the most important play of our lives.

We have to talk about what to do.

Gustav!

-The baby is coming now! -No, Gustav! Don't. No, no, no.

Seb!

Sorry, but some things are more important than this.

I have to do this now.

Good luck, Gustav.

Priest is AFK in spawn. Focus on the rest and I'll knife him at the end.

Let the drum sound!

Come on!

Four versus five. It's not looking good for Printshop.

FML is attempting a push. This might work.

They haven't seen him.

Will it work?

It's all up to Henrik now.

Guys, shall I try a trick shot at him?

Yeah.

Sebastian has taken Priest's chair.

-What are you doing? -Fake A. I'll go B with the bomb.

Okay.

This is insane!

Come on.

Hurry up.

Fuck!

Sebastian sneaks into B and plants the bomb.

FML and Priest have switched places! It's B! Move B!

Come on!

-Come on. -Come on.

Come on!

Sebastian has done the impossible!

Team Printshop have won Crazy LAN Randers.

Just a moment.

Yes? Okay.

There's been a breach of the rules. You can't change places in a round.

So you lost.

And North won! Yeah!

Have you never done anything you regretted?

Never.

Toke, take the crown!

Leave him, Kasim.

Henrik, we're clearing off.

And that's why we're here.

Isn't it?

I think it's so unfair to lose on a technicality.

So, yes. I stole the 500,000 kroner.

I did it.

But I was fed up with being a loser.

I was tired of always losing all the time.

I had to feel successful at something.

But I don't want to go to jail.

I don't think you'll go there.

What?

I stole 500,000 kroner.

You stole a cardboard sign with the words 500,000 kroner written on it.

Just explain to me...

Am I not going to jail?

Not the kind of jail you're imagining.

But... What kind of jail is it?

-Peter Hornsleth? -Hello, Sebastian.

Are you on a diet?

Did the wife make you do it?

Have you had a double bypass? Diabetes 13?

Is your blood as thick as concrete?

You were never very funny, Sebastian.

For how long do you have to wear the ankle tag?

Three months. That's what you get for trying to run with 500,000.

Well, it's not small change. How about a tryout with NiP?

-Ninjas in Pyjamas? -Yeah.

Don't Astralis need an in-game leader?

This is a no-brainer, so I guess the answer is yes.

Yeah, fucking hell. Of course I want it.

I've been struggling for it. This is my opportunity.

You just have to sign this one.

-I take my usual 15 percent. -Obviously.

Do you know what, Peter? It's awfully nice of you.

But I have a team already.

What is this? Is it another one of your funny jokes?

No.

-Hi, Peter. -Hi, Peter.

What's up, Peter?

How's it hanging, Peter?

Chill out, I'm a pacifist.

-What's you team called? -Team Toke.

No, Toke!

Team Loser, man.

No, Team Kasim's Mum Takes It Up The Arse.

-Did you mention my mum? -No, I said we're Team Printshop.

I thought so.

Team Printshop is a bad name.

-It's not great. -Is it worse than Lotus Esmeralda?

I'd certainly say so.

I prefer Team Troll Room.

Yeah, or Rat Busters.

Subtitles by: www.plint.com