Original subtitles

Do we agree that this fellow is Hassan Idris?

Yes.

Tell me everything, Sebastian. No bullshit.

-What's in it for me? -It doesn't work that way.

Then I won't tell you anything. That's my right.

That's true.

You have that right, but then we have grounds to suspect

that you're an accomplice in all that Hassan Idris is involved in.

Everything?

Tell me what you know.

-Ivy clear. -Entering Ivy.

-I'm holding Pop. -Stay in Pop.

-Orp main, where are you? -Double strat.

-Sebastian, what are you doing? -Flanking A.

Pull back, Sebastian.

Toke, you useless kid. Why aren't you trading me?

Trading? You're a shambles, you always are.

I thought we were playing Retake B.

We play what I call on comms. I call the strats here.

-Call them! -Do I need to spell it out?

I'm announcing everything like a fucking audio book!

-You didn't. -I did! Stop lying!

-You didn't. -Maybe you forgot to press.

Or maybe your brain is fucked up!

-Are you still using "push to talk"? -Everybody does.

No! Nobody uses it any more!

-Right. Sebastian, come on. -What?

-Come. -Where to?

We need a chat outside. Come on.

-We'll take the rubbish out. -Off you go, noob.

Do I have to fire all of them?

No, listen to what they say.

-What do you mean? -That maybe you're in the wrong here.

-Psychologically, it's common... -Don't lecture to me on psychology!

Not when you're a walking depression.

What is it? Is it Solvej?

No, I've been distancing myself from Solvej.

Have you? How clever, since you want to be her boyfriend.

I'm keeping distance and striking when I start studying.

-And when would that be? -I just got my timetable now.

Let me see.

Bomb has been planted.

Am I the only one who's fed up with his shit?

-Whose shit? -Sebastian's.

His comms skills stink more than his body.

And his body is pretty stinky.

Terrorists win.

Sick, Kasim.

He doesn't smell of roses, but he doesn't have a shower.

You can't keep clean with just a sponge.

I think we should kick him off the team.

I agree.

-Daddy Gus? -Planting B.

Hey, daddy. Did you mute me, or are you deaf?

-What? -We're kicking Sebastian out.

What do you think?

You have the history of Brie on Wednesdays.

It clashes with our team training.

You're going to be absent a lot at that cheese school of yours.

The classical clash between career and love.

No, Henrik! It's not a classical career and love conflict.

It's about you abandoning our dream.

And if I can't fire them, at least they need to be disciplined.

They have to know who's the in-game leader.

I'll give them one more chance.

Listen up, lads.

You have to pull yourselves together if you want to go to Randers.

I mean seriously.

-You tell him, Gustav. -Why me?

-Because you're the eldest. -But it was your idea.

-So what? -It makes sense if you say it.

Say it. I'm standing here like on The X Factor.

We don't want you on the team. You're out! That's it.

-It's my team. -We took a vote.

-What's this, Henrik? -It's the first I hear of it.

Henrik is irrelevant. It's three against two.

Democracy. Ever heard about it?

Maybe you can vote in the real world, but not in Counter-Strike.

The whole team has to agree to kick someone out.

Good try, Breivik. Try again.

Hi, Solvej. It's great to see you.

Hey, Solvej. Fancy running into you here.

I love dairy technology school. Thanks for telling me about it.

Solvej, I have two tickets to the Caribbean.

Let's go and make love on a beach.

Or how about... No. Er... Yuck!

Solvej!

What's up, mama? Do you want a taste of my milkshake?

Pardon?

Hey...

-Do you know a girl called Solvej? -No.

Nope.

Hassan, please. That's enough.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Did he torture you guys too?

It's my big brother Hassan, our new in-game leader.

What?

I'm your in-game leader.

Sorry, fatso. You're finished as captain.

We've had enough of your shitty comms skills.

And you're a bully. Carina says so too.

You're perpetrating psychological terror,

and that can harm the baby a lot.

-Where is Henrik? -He's not around.

We don't need him. This is a revolution.

There'll be no mercy. Freedom.

Yeah.

-We want you to piss off. -Okay.

Okay?

Only if Hassan goes one-to-one against me.

Like a duel or what?

If Hassan wins, I'll leave.

That is if Hassan dares to play against me. I don't know if...

Bring it on.

HI, SOLVEJ. COOL FIRST DAY. WHERE ARE YOU?

Solvej?

Solvej?

Solvej.

In artificial transfer of semen, it's crucial

that the cow feels safe and calm during insemination...

Solvej!

What have you done?

-Oh, hello. -What are you doing in here?

No Solvej there? Solvej? No.

Sol... Sorry.

Yuck! A sex offender!

-How do you think it's going? -Shut up!

Round two, Hassan.

Let's see if you're as lucky this time.

Hassan.

Where are you?

That's it, bro.

You know it's over if you die now, Seb?

No! No!

No, no, no!

GG.

Real Counter-Strikers play best of three.

If you don't leave now, I'll kill you with this mouse.

I'll write my name in blood on your dead body: Hassan Idris.

-I'm going to murder you. Get it? -Yeah, I get it.

This is most unfortunate.

What happened?

3A were showering after milking.

This guy came in and stared at my cunt.

I don't remember if I did that.

He came into the cowshed shouting something

and the cow went amok.

Did you unsettle the cow with your shouting?

It takes a lot for a cow to lose it.

Yeah, I know.

He stalked me the whole day.

It's only because you're the spitting image of Solvej.

-From behind. -I understand.

She's a very special girl with divine...

Never mind.

-You know her? -Yes. I certainly do.

It's such a shame that she dropped out.

-She dropped out? -Yes.

I'll let you off with a caution this time.

All that's left for me to say is

welcome to four years of whey, yogurt and lots of culture.

Bacterial culture.

There you go. Cocktail sausages, your favourite.

My favourite food is a buffet, Dad.

Whatever.

I'm sad they took you off the team, but I'm sure they'll take you back.

I don't want them to take me back.

I want to grow up now and live a normal life.

It's time to assume some responsibility.

Okay.

It's 1233 kroner.

Why? What for?

The repair of your convertible.

-What do you say, darling? -Thanks.

What was the decisive factor? Your face or your body odour?

Mostly my attitude, in fact.

And that my comm skills suck.

-Comm skills? -Communication skills.

Comm skills matter, both at work and in a marriage.

It's always about mutual respect.

You got that in couple's counselling.

-Hello? -Hello!

-Hi. -Hi, Henrik.

-Sorry to disturb your meal. -Don't be silly.

You never disturb us, Henrik.

-Have some goulash. -Thanks.

-Take a seat. -I'd love to.

Wait and see.

It looks yummy. Are those cocktail sausages?

-You bet they are. -I love cocktail sausages.

Are cocktail sausages your favourite food?

Well, after thick pork sausages.

Hi, Henrik.

I just came to say that I didn't know about Hassan.

I would have stopped them.

I don't want anything to do with that psycho.

I told them to find another main orp.

And how's vocational school?

Well...

How's it been? It's been exciting.

We live in confusing times.

I sexually harassed someone today.

Really?

Yeah.

We both ran into the cold and merciless wall of life.

Sebastian, put this on the table.

-No, Dad. -Come on.

-Why, Dad? -Just do it.

Lift the dog's tail and put the sausage next to it.

-What is it? -What's what?

It's a cock-tail sausage!

Yeah!

Way to go!

Come on, Shabaabs.

Flasher B.

Brother Flash Palace.

Yallah, Flash Palace.

Sorry.

Did you see it, lads? Hassan, Hassan.

Shabaab! Oh!

Yes.

Tristan, what are you doing? You're so good.

Here, have some coke.

-I'm only 13. -Shut your fucking gob!

You have to start now to be cool. I've fucking tried it all,

ganja, Molly, E's, the whole fucking lot. It's fucking crazy.

-What's that? Put it away. -It's Carina calling.

I promised her to buy couscous.

-Give it to me. -It's his wife.

Hello, this is Hassan.

Listen, that guy's not coming home.

What? Babies are born all the time.

You're nothing special, you fucking bitch.

Here, catch.

-What did she say? -You're staying here. No couscous.

In general, society has problems seeing fat people as sexy.

Fighting each other...

Herzlich willkommen...

Welcome.

Neu gegen Schmerzen.

-Dad! Dad! -What is it?

Something's wrong with Sebastian.

What do you mean?

He's becoming a vegetable or something. A Brussels sprout.

-Or something terribly boring. -A Brussels sprout?

He looks like something out of the Walking Dead.

-What is that? -He looks fucking homeless.

He was homeless.

-Sebastian is... -Be quiet, Mum.

He's in there.

Sebastian is an adult. He's sad. Sometimes adults get sad.

Come and see for yourself.

What do we do?

I'll talk to Copy Allan about a job for him.

Lads, who ordered a whore?

Shut your arse before I call the cops and tell them where you are.

-Piss off before I set my dog on you. -You're pretty sick.

You got three minutes while I take a shit.

Fucking little gay dog.

Fuck that Hassan. You know Sebastian is your true captain.

You're his mates. You're his entire life.

We play well, but it's not fun any more.

With all due respect for your brother, Kasim, he's a good guy,

but he's a raving deranged psychotic.

I completely agree.

It's insane that he's taking drugs and offering it to us.

Toke, it was your idea to get rid of Seb. What shall we do?

You won't go wrong with this printer.

It's an amazing printer.

It's Michael Schumacher before he was injured.

Er... as a printer.

I have one at home, actually.

-I'll take this model. -It's a deal then.

Can you just hang on a minute?

-I'll look at the leaflet. -Yeah.

-Just a moment. -Yes.

-Hi. -Hi, Seb.

What are you doing here? Are you shopping for a copier?

I'd love one with an arse-lift device for office Christmas parties.

It was a bad joke. I just wanted to break the ice.

-I don't mind. Great printer humour. -Cheers.

What's up? Where's your new leader?

-My brother doesn't know we're here. -So you're stabbing him in the back.

How nice.

-We made a mistake, Seb. -You're such great friends, eh?

-We want to give you another chance. -A chance?

A rematch against Hassan.

If you haven't come to buy a photocopier, pencils or a calculator,

then please leave.

Seb.

Piss off.

-Shall we find a box for it? -Yes, please.

Hi, darling. Hi.

Heidi said the boys went to the shop.

I think they want you back on the team.

Tell me you said no.

They want to give me a chance.

It's not the same thing.

It's not enough.

I'm not going back.

That's it. Good boy!

-Control yourself. -He's seeing what matters in life.

This is too fucking much.

Stop it.

Darling.

I'm not going to come running back to them like some dog.

I know you're angry, pissed off and disappointed.

So was I when your dad had sex with Puk from aquarobics.

But I forgave him.

And I took him back and er...

I'm glad I did, or we wouldn't have had you two.

-Why did Dad do aquarobics? -That's beside the point, dear.

Feel inside your heart more than in your pain.

I also think you should...

You should do some emotional labour and learn a few things.

I may not be great at communicating.

You should forgive the boys.

And you should go to Randers and win that...

Frazy... Crazy LAN shit.

-Right? -Yeah, I'll do it.

-That's better. -Thanks, Mum.

I want a rematch!

Rematch? What are you talking about?

I'd like my team back, Hassan.

Fuck off, you fat pig.

-You shouldn't turn down a duel. -No.

You shouldn't barbecue budgies either.

-No. -Have you ever...?

-Have you barbecued a budgie? -He's done it to three.

You're a monster. A cyclops.

And you're a coward, that's why you don't want a rematch.

Bring it on, bro.

We're going to wreak vengeance on the Axis of Evil.

-Do you feel it, Henrik? -Yeah.

He's in there.

Knife! You were knifed!

Come back. Fuck off!

Fuck!

Yeah! That was for America! USA, USA, USA!

USA! USA! USA!

Cool! Yeah!

GG.

-You fucking cheated. I know it. -I won, because I'm best.

Cool it. Sebastian, cool it.

The ruling was totally Halal.

I'll see you back home.

You've grown up. See you.

Welcome back, man. Okay, put me down.

Hey, lads. Hold on.

How did you do it?

He's got 32,000 hours on his account.

Did you put auto-play on his keyboard?

-That's what you did. -No, you just thrashed him.

Or... We swapped his Molly for Tristan's vitamins.

-Hassan can only play when he's high. -Exactly.

Okay. Sick. You're smarter than you look.

-It was Shorty's idea. -Thanks a lot, junior.

You're welcome, you fat pig. It's great to have you back.

-What's up, Tristan? -We're going to win in Randers.

Yeah, but you're staying here to mind the shop.

But I'm 13.

Yeah, so take your vitamins.

No! Spit them out!

How long will it take for him to return to normal, Kasim?

Four to five hours and he'll be fine.

Isn't it great to be back, Sebastian?

It couldn't be any better.

Have you spoken to Solvej?

Er... no.

She dropped out of school because of me.

So I'd better leave her alone.

Siri, Facetime Solvej.

Stop it, Sebastian. I don't want to! Stop it!

-Don't... -Hi, Henrik.

How are you doing?

I've been very ill, Henrik.

My tongue was ten time normal size.

I think I can hear it.

-What happened? -I'm hyper-allergic to whey.

-Is that why you left school? -Yeah.

-So it's not because of me? -No, we're mates.

Yeah, we're mates.

I couldn't call because my tongue was swollen.

What are you going to do now?

I'm going to apply to become a zookeeper.

and be close to the cockatoos, okapis and monkeys.

Lads!

I'm going to be a zookeeper.

This is a fucking waste of time.

Yeah, I think so too.

I guess you haven't heard about the mobile phone scams a few weeks back?

No. Nope.

I remember reading something about it, but I didn't actually...

Sebastian.

Okay, listen.

I can't grass up Kasim. I just can't.

Kasim Idris?

Subtitles by: www.plint.com