Original subtitles

♪ Look up there ♪ ♪ What do you see?

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

♪ Like a rock ♪ ♪ And a tree

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

Alanis, it's official.

In tminus three days,

I'm catching the bouquet. For fun.

It's a wait and see on marriage right now.

Oh, that's right, the big wedding.

The biggest wedding.

Wolf and Honeybee? Everyone's excited.

Dad even invited Dell as a "platonic frienddate"

and I saw him awith ChapStick.

Isn't it "platonic"? Get it? 'Cause it won't be.

Oh, yeah. It seems like he might be thinking about

doing a closeproximity smile or some

mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah smooching.

You know, my big romance with you know wholier

started with a closeproximity smile. (chuckles)

I was eating tiny meatballs at craft services on set

when this weirdo tapped me on the shoulder

with a Woodchuck puppet.

Alanis, I would love to talk about him again,

but I'm kind of needed at the boat for wedding prep.

So, let's, uh, let's put a pin in it.

I used to put a pin in his Full House

and then he crashed his car.

HONEYBEE: Okay, final checklist listcheck for Honeybee Shaw's

Titanic themed wedding, setting sail this Saturday.

I love Titanic because it features

the sexiest actress alive: Kathy Bates.

Ooh, her performance in Misery?

She hobbled her way right into my heart.

Okay. Ready to check, Beef?

Aye, aye, Captain Bee. Moon?

Is the Brain Billy Zane axe booth ready?

(grunts) Does that answer your question?

(chuckles) Check, but don't use up all of our Zanes.

Ham, how's the cakeplanning coming?

Well, it's getting deliciously dangerous over here.

There's three layers but only one fondant rescue boat.

Hope nothing goes horribly wrong.

Cake, check. Judybee? What's your status?

May I present the largest and most elegant chip and dip

in the world,

James Cameron's Snacktanic.

Meant to hold ten varieties of salty savories,

with four different hummuses in her smoke stacks.

Loose lips sink chips.

Ah! I can't wait for my family

to see all of this when they get here.

Just asking again, everybody's sure about

having a wedding themed around a major disaster?

We could base it on a more cheerful boat movie

like Captain Ron, or Hope Floats?

I'm not worried at all.

This isn't a transatlantic voyage, it's a wedding.

- And it's gonna be perfect. - (phone vibrating)

Oh, excuse me a moment. Yes, this is Ms. Shaw.

So you're saying James Cameron politely declines my invitation?

Oh, not politely? Understandable.

I'm just trying to find someone from the movie

to show up as a surprise for my fiancé.

Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's cell by cha Oh, she's gone.

(whispers): Psst. Judy.

Oh, hey. It's W...

...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah.

Uh, I have to leave now because I have those woman issues

that I was just talking about and, frankly,

it's totally natural and I love it, so...

(sighs) I love when Judy gets real with us.

- Did they suspect anything? - Nope.

I exited very smoothly with a perfect lie about my vagina.

Smart. I do the same thing, only lying about my butt.

It's why everyone thinks I have chronic diarrhea.

(chuckles): Joke's on them. I only have frequent diarrhea.

Good to know. Now what's going on?

This is what's going on.

Oh, a late RSVP to the wedding and it's a maybe.

So someone isn't sure if they're coming to the wedding

no big deal and it's from Kathleen Tobin?

Oh, my God! Mom? What?

- What?! - "What" is right.

AAnd also, no frickin' way.

- AAnd what? - Oh, and she checked

that she wants the steak, fish and vegan entrees?

(scoffs) Is that even allowed?

No, it is very much not allowed.

Oh, I mean, I guess in a weird way, in my mind,

I've always pictured Mom at my wedding, but in reality,

- I think it would be very, very bad. - Ugh, it is.

Mom's a wrecking ball. Especially at big events.

She can't stand it if it's not about her.

Remember at my iceskating competition

when Mom farted into the microphone

because they wouldn't give her a trophy?

Oh, this is all my fault.

I must've accidentally included her address

on the invite spreadsheet.

I thought I was amazing at mail merge macros,

but it turns out, I am not amazing at mail merge macros.

I'm headed to the supermarket. You cuties need anything?

Not now, Londra!

- Okay. - This is not your fault, Wolf.

You're right. It's Mom's fault for being

the frongdong frog dong's worst.

Just when things were getting back to normal

and we're about to add a beautiful cup of honey

to our Tobin tea, Mom has to come back

and fart up the room again?

Frickin' nards. Nards so hard.

And Honeybee's family is coming.

(gasps) They're probably perfect like her.

- What are we gonna do? - Honeybee can't find out.

Uh, the last thing I want is her worrying about this

on our wedding day. We can't tell Dad.

He's come so far since Mom left.

Also, Ham and Moon might not be able to take

the emotional turmoil of seeing our craptastic mom

after all this time.

It's official: we cannot tell anyone

Mom is maybe coming to the wedding!

- What? - Mom's coming to the wedding?

One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest.

We are so bad at secrets.

Okay, gang,

thanks for meeting me in the panic room

so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy?

Okay, we need to figure out if Mom's actually coming

because all of our careful wedding planning is at risk.

(exhales) All right, pull up Mom's blog.

(gasps) That's a picture of Mom's wedding dress.

- Why does it say "MBA" on it? - "Male Body Admirer."

It's in pretty good shape considering it's edible.

Oh, man. And she laid it out on a bed.

That's what women in movies do with outfits

they're gonna wear for big events.

Oh, look, a "contact us" number.

- (line beeps) - And it's disconnected.

Okay, so she must have a new burner phone.

Oh, my God, and there's no way to get ahold of her.

Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Oh, she's gonna ruin my wedding.

I'm not gonna get married. (shrieks)

Wolf, this doesn't mean she'll show up, okay?

You know what she's like. She's a flake.

She would've missed my birth if it was medically possible.

Let's just sign your phone up to get blog updates

so we can track her movements, eh?

You're right, yeah, you're right.

The next blog update will probably be her at Hersheypark

pretending to take a dump in the chocolate fountain.

Uhhuh. And in the meantime,

let me just add, we do not talk about this.

Because if Dad finds out,

he'll explode and melt down at the same time.

And it's gonna be like... (imitates explosion)

(babbling)

And his eye will start doing that tight twitchy thing.

(all shout) Hey!

Oh, there you kids are.

Hey, uh, Dad. Uh, yyeah.

We were just, uh, reading the whole Internet

in the panic room as a family, but, uh, we're all finished.

Wow, that is impressive.

It seems like every day there's a new AltaVista page.

Anyways, I'm working on my wedding outfit.

I sewed a collar onto this novelty tuxedo Tshirt.

Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo?

I can't. Oh, if I wasn't already marrying Honeybee, I'd propose.

Okay, so your name is Victor Garber,

but you are not the actor Victor Garber

from the movie Titanic.

Oh, you're in second grade? Okay.

No, I agree, math is hard.

Yeah, I like trains. Okay, I'm gonna go now, Victor.

Mmhmm, I love you, too.

ALYSON: You know, Billy Zane

gave me mouthtomouth once

when I choked on a dried apricot at a jazz festival.

- Uh... - Judy, that story at least deserved a "Wow."

What's bugging you?

I think my mom is coming to town,

which is terrible, for so many reasons.

Most especially that she'll ruin Wolf's wedding.

What I really wish is that there was a way

we could just move the whole town.

But it's like, I don't know, do you think

people would be up for that?

Or you could just have a shadow wedding.

Is that where two shadows get married?

(gasps) I love it, it's gorgeous.

Ugh, and then I'm thinking about it,

I'm just not sure how it would help.

Oh, Judy. So much to learn from me.

A shadow wedding, or really any shadow event,

takes place at the same time as the actual event,

but, key difference, it's for all the people

you don't want at the actual event.

Hmm. Go on.

I will. I myself have been shadowed

on multiple occasions, and it's very effective.

I honestly don't know if I've ever met the real version

of my tenyearold nephew Jandon.

Well, if it would protect Wolf's wedding,

it's definitely worth considering.

Oh, Judy, everything's worth considering.

Even that grown man with bare feet riding

- the children's carousel. - (soft music playing)

He's a pass for me right now, but who knows about the future?

And that's a shadow wedding. Any questions?

Sounds insane. I'm in.

Hey, we're gonna have to work overtime to protect Dad

and my queenbeetobe from Mom.

Luckily, Honeybee's been so busy with wedding stuff,

she hasn't suspected anything weird yet.

And that's how we'll keep it. But under no circumstances

can Dad find out that Mom is probably on her way here

to ruin the wedding and stomp all over his heart.

- What? - Not again.

- Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds. - Kathleen.

(Beef moaning)

It's the silence between the moans that's most distressing.

Hello, children.

I was just taking a nap, but I am fine now.

I've pushed all the other naps I want to take deep down

so they won't ruin Wolf's upcoming wedding.

Great, because the wedding train is leaving in 48 hours,

and I need my dad on my caboose.

- Choo choo, son. - (phone vibrates)

- Oh, no. No, no, no. - Oh, no. What?

There's a new post to Mom's blog.

Oh, God. Mom's on a flight.

And she's already three planearitas deep.

Do you feel that, children?

The way the wind has stilled in the pines,

and the caribou no longer utters its lonely howl?

She is set upon us.

Okay. I was wondering what was up

with the wind stilling in the pines.

I was looking for the actress Kathy Bates.

But you're a drag queen insult comic named Kathy Berates?

Hmm. I mean, it's not a no.

Hold on, I got to take this.

Hello? Oh, my gosh. (gasps)

You sound exactly how you sounded in the movie.

And you can actually come?

Oh, I feel so powerful.

This must be how the iceberg felt.

JUDY: Okay, shadow wedding.

We need three things: location, actors and decorations.

And guess what? I know where we can go for each.

Dad, your involvement is not to be involved at all.

The last thing we need is you seeing Mom

at the shadow wedding and falling under her spell.

But there is a task that's perfect for you to take on.

You can give Honeybee's family a tour of Lone Moose's hot spots

and keep them distracted while we do this.

Be our man on the outside.

Honeybee is picking them up at the airport as we speak.

I'm on it. I could take them to the bowling alley

and show them your greatgrandmother's trophies.

Then I could take them to our backyard,

and show them her grave.

And we could stop for a nice lunch in between.

Okay, hands in the middle, everyone.

On three, everyone say,

"Do a shadow wedding, trick Mom,

"save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage,

and everyone lives happily ever after."

- One, two, three. - ALL: Do a shadow wedding.

- Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage. - BEEF: Kathleen.

- And everyone lives happily ever after. - (overlapping chatter)

- ...happily ever after. - Perfect.

Tobins, this is the Shaws.

(overlapping greetings)

- A hug for you. - Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go spend some me time

finishing up the wedding prep.

- Have fun, guys. - Enjoy your she time.

And the four of us have to go do something very normal

and nobody should be concerned about it.

(chuckles) Why would they? That's boring.

Okay, byebye.

Welp, that just leaves us, then.

Today I'm gonna take you on a guided tour

of Lone Moose's finest attractions.

The van is all warmed up and I made you each

a personal thermos of hot chocolate.

- Thank you, Keith. - Uh, it's, uh, Beef.

No, that's not a name.

You know, Beef, as owners of a curtain shop ourselves,

I'd love to see an Alaskan window covering store.

- If you have one. - Oh, sure, we could stop by Count Drapeula.

Now everyone buckle up.

I always drive safely, but if I see any gorgeous

natural scenery, I may gently tap the brakes

so that we can partake.

♪ Take a look around, look at all this stuff ♪

♪ Stuff that you can look at, go on and look at it ♪

♪ Here's another thing ♪

♪ A thing that you can see, oh, look ♪

♪ At us looking, looking at the stuff ♪

♪ So look around and ♪

♪ See what's here and look at ♪

♪ This thing and see ♪

♪ What's here and, oh, look, now we're done. ♪

Welp, the Shaws were riveted by the tour.

And I learned that the inventor of the curtain rod

was coincidentally named Rod.

- He was also a murderer. - Aw, what fun.

Now let's go over the shadow wedding plan one last time.

We'll park the Mighty Kathleen

and the newly decorated shadow wedding boat on opposite ends

of the dock, where they aren't visible to each other.

- When Mom arrives... - HAM: My true love

and the most handsome teen in Lone Moose, Crispin

love you, Big C will be there to head her off

with three complimentary glasses of champagne.

JUDY: Which will instantly

send her to the "party zone,"

where she is, you know, less apt to question anything.

HAM: Crispin will then golfcart her to the shadow wedding boat.

MOON: Where we'll be waiting along with the shadow guests

and wedding party played by Judy's improv troupe.

WOLF: I'll escort Mom to her seat

in the front row and await my bride,

who is being played by Zoya.

Hello. We make wedding now?

JUDY: From there, the wedding begins.

And it goes perfectly.

MOON: Then we all make our exit to head

to the real wedding as the boat sets sail with Mom,

Zoya and all the shadow guests aboard

for the quote, unquote "reception."

Bon voyage, B words!

HAM: And once the shadow wedding boat is on the water,

if Mom asks anyone where her family went,

they know to say, "They wenta thatta way," while gesturing

- with their thumbs like in the Three Stoogies. - JUDY: At the end of the night,

when we've pulled it all off, we'll have a happy Honeybee,

a bamboozled Mom and two perfect weddings.

Any questions? No? Okay, great.

I grabbed this wedding dress from the drama wardrobe closet

at school from when we did M. Butterfly. Wolf?

Could you snowmachine this over to Zoya's house?

Oh, man.

(sighs) What are we doing?

Looking at this perfect costume wedding dress

that isn't for my actual bride

makes me realize that even though

Mom's not here, she's still got us running around

like a bunch of chickens with our butts cut off.

I don't want to start my marriage off

with a bunch of bingbong lies to my wife.

I need to tell her that Mom said yes

and we're doing the shadow wedding.

We got to come clean to the Shaws that I'm going

to be marrying two women in one day

because we're basically a band of nogood grifters

with a terrible family secret!

- What?! - Oh, no.

- Oh, boy. - Keith!

Oh, good, now they already know.

And then Mom pantsed the sheriff when she couldn't

calm down at my science fair.

(chuckles) And then she took his gun.

I had to give my ribbon back.

Oh, no! Not your ribbon!

God herself couldn't take my ribbon.

So, in summation, Mom's the frickin' worst

and will ruin our wedding if she shows

and, so, yeah, that's why we planned

this whole shadow wedding thing.

Okay, I agree your mom is bad.

But, Wolf, honey, you can't throw a big,

elaborate shadow wedding

- just because she might show up. - It's just that,

I'm not saying we were a disaster before you showed up,

but we kind of had, I don't know,

low family selfesteem.

So you coming into our lives, you make everything great,

and I guess we all just got a little scared of, well,

losing you. I just wanted

I mean, we all just wanted to make sure

it was the perfect night for you and your perfect family.

(scoffs) You think we're a perfect family?

Of course. I mean, look at you guys.

Look at your slacks you all have nice slacks.

Oh, we are far from perfect. Isn't that right?

Louis, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I farted on the couch one time about 17 years ago.

And these two never let me forget it.

We had eaten some egg salad.

I called the fire department.

I thought there was an electrical fire in the walls.

We tried to reupholster the couch,

but it had gotten into the bones.

Oh, Wolf, just because we own an amazing business

and dress well, we're still not perfect.

No one is. We've got some truly unique people

in our family, too.

My cousin Brenda, for instance.

She swears wholeheartedly that she's the Zodiac Killer.

The timeline doesn't work, but she insists.

And sometimes I'll use a breath mint instead of deodorant.

I just suck on it for a second, then stick it to my pit.

- Jerry! - I know!

- Jerry. - I know.

See, babe, no one's judging you but you.

Actually, now that I think about it,

this thing with your mom is great.

I mean, we're havinga Titanic themed wedding,

and your mom is our iceberg. And if she tries to ruin

our wedding and we get married and we stay married anyway,

then we're the Unsinkable Molly Brown.

It's proof that we can survive anything together.

We'll be even stronger than Jack and Rose,

because Jack voluntarily drowned near a door.

All right, I'll tell everyone that the shadow wedding's off.

Let the storm come.

Blow, winds, blow!

Crack your cheeks.

Sorry, I just played King Lear recently,

and the character hasn't left me.

♪ ♪

Huh, kind of thought Mom would be here by now.

I'm sure she's just waiting in her car so she can

make a late entrance and draw attention to herself.

She's no doubt tucking her own skirt into her underwear

for a classic Kathleen cheek peek.

Okay, welp, let's go get our Wolf married.

(harmonizing)

♪ Wolf was chatting on the computer late one night ♪

♪ When his eyes beheld a beautiful sight ♪

♪ And his love for a Bee did begin to rise ♪

♪ And suddenly to his surprise ♪

♪ She loved him back ♪

♪ It was a marriage match... ♪

(sobbing): Frickin' beautiful Honeybee!

(choir vocalizing)

Frickin' beautiful door!

Friends and family, we are gathered here today

in the year 1912 on this,

the unsinkable ship, to celebrate the love

of Wolf "King of the World" Tobin

and Honeybee "Spit Like a Man" Shaw.

Just like the constrictor knot, which can be impossible

to untie once it is tightened, and only grows

tighter when pulled, so shall your love grow tighter.

Oh. Now that man can tie a knot.

Ay, chihuahua.

And that is exactly why

blind brackets come in packs of two,

to support each other, because it takes two to make it work.

Just like in marriage.

If I would've known she was gonna talk about brackets,

(sniffling) I would've brought extra tissues.

True love straight ahead!

♪ ♪

And now Wolf and Honeybee will exchange their vows...

in the form of some of their favorite movie quotes.

Honeybee, commenting in that online famous movie quotes

message board was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Because it brought me to you, and now we both found

something we love more than quotes from movies each other.

We're gonna need a bigger boat... for our love

and someday our kids.

Because life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and get married once in a while,

you might miss the love of your life.

And I will always show you the money!

And by "money," I mean "understanding."

Standing in front of a Bee, asking her to love him.

(with Australian accents): That's not a ring.

This is a ring.

(crying): Tacky.

JERRY: At this time,

we ask that anyone that should object to this union

speak now or forever hold your...

WOMAN: Ah, dang, am I late?

Did I miss the cocktail hour?

(all gasp)

- Here we go. - Dear God. Kathleen ahoy.

- (woman clears throat) - BEEF: Oh, that's not Kathleen.

Who the hell is that?

Maybe this'll ring a bell.

(mock crying)

Oh. My. God.

- Honeybee, you didn't. - Oh, I did.

I'd know that cry anywhere!

It's the actress who played the baby

Billy Zane grabbed to try to get on the rescue boats in Titanic!

Oh, remember he ran all over the deck saying,

"I have a child. I have a child."

Oh, man, you're my second favorite

background character after Irish Mommy.

Okay, would you like a plaintive wail or some quiet sobbing?

Oh, quiet sobbing, please.

(quiet sobbing)

(laughs) Wow!

Houston, we have a marriage.

You may now kiss each other.

(imitating Darth Vader): Luke...

I am your husband.

(imitating Darth Vader): Luke...

I am your wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my great honor

to present to you for the very first time,

Mr. and Mrs. Wolf and Honeybee ShawTobin!

(cheering, applause)

♪ ♪

Come on, you two, the window's not gonna fog itself up.

Don't make me come in there.

Okay, I'm coming in. (laughs)

I for one am glad Mom didn't bother

to show up for my onceinalifetime wedding.

It's, you know, it's good.

Definitely, uh... forfor the best.

Is it weird that maybe I feel kind of sad?

Oh, I'm not sad.

I just have this hollow, lonely feeling

in the pit of my stomach.

Luckily, I was so young

when Mom left that I don't feel

Yeah, I'm bummed.

Yeah, me, too. Why do we feel like this?

Because, sure, she's messed up,

but she's still your mom.

Being filled with dread that Kathleen will appear

and then disappointment when she doesn't is normal.

And terrible. And normal.

I know what you're going through, but look around.

Everyone that's supposed to be here is.

This is a good day.

It is Kathleen who is missing out.

You know, Dad, you're right.

It's better that Mom didn't show up.

She would have definitely ruined today.

She probably would have.

But your mother wasn't all bad.

She did give me the four things I love most in this world.

(gasps) Oh, do you mean our set of limited edition

Betty Boop ceramic plates?

- Nah, she took those with her. - Damn it.

I mean the four of you kids.

♪ ♪

Do you trust me, Honeybee?

I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Wolf? - I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Ham? - I trust you.

- Do you trust me, Dad? - I trust you.

TOBINS: Do you trust us, Shaws?

SHAWS: We trust you!

Okay, I'm following the rule of thirds.

Didn't forget to capture the depth.

And I've got everyone's good sides.

Okay, this is looking good. And timer's set! Everyone hold!

Huh, would you look at that.

Mom's blog just updated.

She's drinking at a Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa.

Bad news for Tulsa.

Move your booty, here comes Judy.

Okay. On three, everyone say,

"Today turned out perfectly, and we didn't even have to

"do the shadow wedding, which was a good move because

Mom didn't even end up showing up and..."

(camera clicks) (gasps)

Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson. This song is for you.

♪ Jandon, I don't know you from a stranger on the street ♪

♪ But I keep on hoping one day we'll meet ♪

♪ I don't know what you're into, is it sports? ♪

♪ Or is it trains? ♪

♪ Do you like burritos? ♪

♪ Or do you love chow mein? ♪

♪ Oh, Jandon, where are you? ♪

♪ You could be anywhere ♪

♪ Jandon, who are you? ♪

♪ We haven't met as far as I'm aware ♪

♪ Guess I may never know ya ♪

♪ But I hope you get this "best nephew" shirt I stole ya. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0