Original subtitles

♪ ♪

- Oh, I'm so excited to continue questing.

It's gonna be hard to top being almost eaten by a dragon.

I wonder what we're gonna do.

Hang glide through the jungles of Ganthor,

rescue a fair maiden from the warlock's spell

or storm the castle of Gilgamesh the Immortal?

- Our next adventure will be the most noble

of all our quests. [blade grinding]

[epic music]

We're hosting...

a dinner party.

[all gasping] - Ohh.

- Well, I know how you feel about small talk,

so that could be terrifying.

- ♪ A troll burned his bridge ♪

♪ A warrior lost her crown ♪

♪ I'm not being poetic ♪

♪ That's literally what went down ♪

♪ Together their journey has begun ♪

♪ Combining might and melody ♪

♪ To quest and smite a demon ♪

♪ And find their true family ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ "The Barbarian and the Troll" ♪

♪ ♪

- Does it have to be a dinner party?

- Oh, we can have a game night.

- I mean, how about a murder mystery?

- Does anyone like "Settlers of the Realm"?

- Oh! A toga party.

- "Bards Against Humanity"?

- No. It's the next step in my plan.

A dinner party should be our easiest quest yet.

- Easier than the great quest to find my reading glasses?

- That wasn't a quest, and you were wearing them.

- Well, I'll have you know I can't find them again.

- They're on your forehead.

- Oh. Mystery solved.

- [sighs] - So how's this gonna work?

- I'm glad you asked.

The greatest map maker in all of Gothmoria,

Christoph the Cartographer Unicorn,

has agreed to come here and draw us a map

to the demon Alvin's lair.

With this map, I can finally rescue my brother Kendar.

- Wouldn't it be easier

to just buy one at Maps, Crafts and Yonder?

- No. Because Christoph is the only living creature

who has the magic to find Alvin's lair.

- Oh, cool. - Horus, help me out

with this little questing back story.

- Behold!

Christoph only emerges from the enchanted forest

every hundredth blue moon to offer his services.

His maps are detailed and exquisite,

and always give the most precise directions.

It even includes where you find indoor outhouses.

- But he's very particular

about who he bestows his maps upon.

He requires a lavish dinner be thrown in his honor,

and the host bend to his every whim.

We'll only have one chance to impress him.

And if we don't, Christoph will return

to the enchanted forest

for another hundred blue moons.

And if he does,

we may never find where my brother is hidden.

- Oh, I get it. A cartographer is someone who makes maps.

- The point is, we have no second chances.

We all have to work together to wow Christoph.

Kyle, you're in charge of the food.

- How about I make him a nice steak?

- Fine. Stacey, you'll give him a relaxing spa treatment.

You know, leeches or bloodletting,

whatever fancy people do.

- Okay, but no feet. I hate feet.

- And Evan, I've hired Christoph's favorite comedian,

Squid Caesar, as entertainment.

So I need you to make sure Mr. Caesar is taken care of.

- Squid Caesar?

He's the biggest insult celebrity comic around.

How did you get Squid Caesar to agree to come here?

- I threatened his manager that I'd throw him off

the Cliffs of Chaos. - Hmm.

- And what's my role in this quest?

- You have the most important job of all.

- Motherhood. Got it. - No.

I need you to watch the door.

Let me know when they get here,

and make sure our entertainer and guest of honor

get a lot of fanfare and hubbub.

- I will not leave that door.

People won't know where that door ends and I begin.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go tinkle.

[sighs] Huh!

- Whoa! - Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Caesar.

- Oh, you're a sharp one. I guess you made your point.

Blammo!

- Squid Caesar? Wow, wow, wow!

- Calm down, Evan. Don't scare him away.

- You're "the" Squid Caesar.

I--I would love to shake your hand,

but I don't know which one to shake.

- Whoa, you're a short one.

You're so short, you could pose for trophies. Blammo!

- [laughs]

- Seriously, kid. You're so short, you don't know

if you have a headache or a foot ache. Blammo!

- [laughing]

Oh, oh, insult me again.

Go ahead, really give it to me this time.

- Okay, we don't want to wear Mr. Caesar out.

Stacey! - Uhh!

- 'Sup? - Please show Mr. Caesar

to our VIP area. - Right this way.

- Ooh, look at that walk. You're a little pigeon-toed

for an owl, aren't you? Blammo!

- [laughs] Oh, boy.

Every blammo's just perfectly timed.

It's so good.

I'm sorry, just a little excited.

- You're a little everything. Blammo!

Get it? 'Cause you're little.

- Mm, you're no Squid Caesar.

- All right. Welcome to our VIP area.

Pop a squat.

- Oh, don't mind if I do. I'm game.

Oh, wait. You're game. Ho, ho, ho!

You know, I've never been escorted

by a talking pillow before.

Blammo![laughs]

- Ha. - Ooh, yeah tough crowd.

Tough crowd.

- Can I get you something to drink?

- Uh, yes. Literally anything.

I'm a squid. I need hydration.

- Anything liquid, coming right up.

- Mm-hmm.

VIP room? What's that stand for?

Very Inadequate Paycheck?

- Mm, mm, mm. [sniffing] - Kyle, this is important.

What are you cooking?

- I'm gonna start with my fresh made crab cakes.

both: Great. - Then I'm gonna wow him

with my seasoned Pegasus steak.

both: Cool.

- And for dessert, I have a delicious strawberry pudding.

both: Yum! - Mwah!

But you gotta stir it constantly,

or it ends up everywhere.

Hey, Stacey, do you mind stirring

while I get started on the steak?

- Go team. - Go team.

And remember, you gotta keep stirring

or it's gonna get ruined.

- Yeah, I got it.

Stirring the pot is kinda my thing.

- How's Squid Caesar? - Oh, right.

He wanted something to drink, but now I'm on pudding duty.

- [sighs] Mutter, mutter, disaster, mutter, mutter.

- I can hear you muttering, you know.

- You were supposed to!

Hi! Hi, there.

A glass of water for Mr. Caesar? [laughs]

Aren't you gonna insult me, you know?

The only thing more uptight than that barbarian

is her headband!

Mr. Caesar? Squid?

[dramatic music]

[gasps] No.

No-no-no-no.

Please be sleeping. Please be sleeping.

Please just be sleeping. Come on, wake up. Wh-wh-wh--

- Whoa! Grab some lemon and marinara.

That is one deceased squid.

- I can fix this. It's just a little hiccup.

I just need a little bit more time.

- Hey, unicorn's here. [chuckles]

- Blammo. - Ugh.

- Did you kill him?

- With kindness, maybe. [laughs]

Okay, we both know that's not true.

I just brought him back here like you asked!

- Whoa! That squid's not alive.

- We know. Stacey killed him. - No, he was alive

when I left him.

- Well maybe it's because he's sitting

on the giant block of salt that I use to season my steaks.

- Told you it wasn't my fault.

- The salt sucked all the moisture out of his body.

- Like a slug. - This is terrible.

- You're telling me. Now my steaks are gonna

taste more surf than turf.

- Focus, Kyle. Focus.

- I'll just remarket everything as, uh, sea cow.

- [sighs]

- We're doomed.

[epic music]

♪ ♪

- [snorts]

- Christoph! What an honor it is

to have you in our humble tavern.

Thank you for gracing us with your presence.

- Yes, what a rustic and seedy décor.

I can't believe Squid Caesar's actually playing this joint.

- I know. Neither can I. Who comes here? Not me.

- [snorts] I've heard his act is to die for.

You know, I haven't actually seen him live before.

- You should have been here a few minutes ago.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Nothing. Right this way. - [snorts]

- So, you don't actually know

what Squid Caesar looks like, then.

- Mm. I'm assuming he looks like a squid.

- [sighs] Yeah. Of course he does.

- Christoph is hot.

Christoph doesn't like being hot.

- Stacey!

- Yeah. - Please make sure Christoph

is adequately chilled.

[laughs] And try not to kill him.

- [flapping]

- I'm still hot.

- [flapping harder]

- I'm hot. - [flapping harder]

- Now I'm too cold.

- [humming]

- [gasps] Horace. - Huh?

- You were supposed to be watching the door.

Christoph was out there all alone.

- Oh, I was told to stir the pudding.

Oh, it makes this really neat squishy sound when you do it.

Listen.

[silence]

Well, of course now it won't do it.

- Somebody else can stir the pudding.

Where's Evan? - Ugh.

- Evan! - Oh, shh.

Uh, we're meditating. [flies buzzing]

Squid's clearing his head before a big show.

You wouldn't understand

'cause you're not a performer like we are.

- Uh, Evan? You should know--

- Shh. Oh, uh, yeah.

We should hold it down

'cause Squid's still meditating.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Well-- - Shh.

- Wash your hands. - [gulps]

[sniffs]

- Oh, good, you're here.

Could you stir this pudding for a while?

My arm is killing me.

- Fine. - Ugh.

- Go make sure Christoph doesn't leave.

- Oh, right. But first,

I have to go tinkle again. - Uhh.

- [imitating] Christoph is hungry.

Where is Christoph's food?

- Please tell me dinner's almost ready.

- I'm on it. Just havin' a little trouble

with the crab cakes.

Smash! Bang! Crush! - Ugh, just bite them

like I do. - Huh?

Huh, uh! [biting]

Ha. [panting] - Problem solved.

- And yet, so many more problems to go.

- How 'bout I skip to the main course?

Here you go, sir. Beautiful Pegasus steak

wrapped in the finest bacon of Gothmoria,

draped in a beautiful beef and peppercorn sauce.

My mother's homemade recipe.

- I'm a vegetarian. - Excellent, sir.

I'll be back with something green in a moment.

[laughing] He's a vegetarian.

The horse is a vegetarian.

- Ah. The pudding doesn't have meat in it, does it?

- Well, I can strain it out before I serve it.

He'll never know. - Wasn't Christoph

supposed to get a pedicure and a hoof polish?

- You promised him a pedicure?

- Yes. Yes, I did.

Now you get out there, and you polish some hooves!

- You owe me big time.

- Hmm, hm, hm.

- Hi, I'm Stacey. And I'll be your spa treatment specialist.

Would you care for a pre-dinner pedicure?

- Hm. - It's our specialty here

at the Goiter, along with poorly hatched plans.

- [snorts] - Huh.

- Christoph would love one.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Holy pellets. - [snorts] I gotta warn you,

it's been a hundred blue moons since my last one.

- [gagging] - They're a little muddy.

- [gags] I can do this.

- What are we gonna do?

We have no food and no entertainment.

- Hmm.

I could razzle dazzle him with some magic!

Levitate!

[coughs] Ehh.

[coughing]

- That neither razzled or dazzled.

- [blubbering]

- That Squid Caesar is a genius.

Salt of the earth. He didn't interrupt me once.

You know, you all can learn a lot from that guy.

- He's gone, Evan.

- He's right over there,

which is why I'm being a little quiet.

- No. You have been talking to a squid

who has left the mortal coil.

He has sloughed off his body.

He is liquid-less, soul-less, dead.

- You guys left me back there...

with a corpse?

[chuckles nervously]

Although it totally explains the smell.

I thought I was gonna have to have

a real awkward conversation with the guy

about personal hygiene, so crisis averted.

- Those things are nasty without a shoe.

I think I have hoof-and-mouth disease.

- Guys! We need that map if we are going to rescue my brother.

all: Who was stolen by the demon Alvin.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Do I talk about my missing brother too much?

- Mm-mm? - Wait.

If you're all here, who's watching Christoph?

- [gasps]

♪ ♪

- He's gone!

- All right, I am all set to man that door.

What did I miss something?

- Christoph, Christoph, wait. - Whatever it is I left behind,

just keep it. [snorts]

- Christoph, please don't go.

You're my only hope.

I'm on the quest of my life.

I have to save my brother from the demon Alvin.

He's been gone so long.

You know, the only thing I have left of him

is a toy shovel he dropped.

- I don't mean to sound judgy, but that's a pretty weird thing

to keep on your person at all times. [snorts]

- It just makes me feel closer to him,

even though he's a world away, being held against his will.

- Hm.

Will Squid Caesar still be performing

his unique brand of insult comedy?

- Yes, absolutely. He'll just be extra salty.

- What are we waiting for?

- A miracle? - I'm sorry?

- Let's get back to the tavern!

- Yes!

- Okay, just sit right down there and get comfy.

- Christoph is hungry. - Stacey!

- You want these one at a time, or shall I strap on a feed bag?

- You have a feed bag?[snorts]

- [grunting] Ahh.

Oh, this is a good batch.

It's fighting back. That's how I know it's almost done.

- Oh, boy. These things looked

a lot floatier when they were in water.

- All right. Change of plans.

Christoph wants the squid or nothing,

so we're just gonna have to tie him up and force the map

out of him by way of violence.

- Violence, okay. - Great.

- Or, or, or we prop up Squid somehow

and pretend he's still alive

while I do all the jokes and impersonate him.

And then Christoph still gets his show.

- So nobody likes my violence plan?

- Mm-mm. - Do what now?

- Fine. Let's do your thing.

- Ah, finally. The role I was born to play.

Surreptitiously impersonating a deceased insult comic squid.

- This is the most important performance of your life.

Good luck.

- [sighs]

Welcome to the Queen's Goiter

for a night of live-ish entertainment.

So enjoy whatever the heck this is.

Here he is, okay. - Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

- Look at him, so lively.

- Hey, thanks everybody.

How 'bout that Kyle, huh?

You know before he ran a tavern,

he used to be a teacher.

But he got fired because he only had one good pupil.

Blammo!

- Low blow.

- Oh, uh, hm--

But that was great for us

because turns out he makes a terrific two-bean salad.

Blammo!

- Ha, ha.

- Squid Caesar's really lost his touch.

That last one was more like a compliment. [snorts]

- Uh, uh--[clears throat]

Hey, have you guys met Brendar?

Uh, that lady's got a face that can make an onion cry.

Blammo! [laughter]

- [laughs] [grumbles]

- Oh, uh, hey, look at this guy here, huh?

Ew, look at that face. There's not a thing I'd change.

- No, stop. - No.

- Except that the direction I was walking in.

Ha, whoo! Bl-- I mean, seriously,

his face is so long, it needs an intermission.

- It's true. I'm really not much of a looker. [laughs]

- [sighs]

- Oh, hey, look at this owl over here.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [roars]

- Oh, hey, uh, let's get back to Kyle, huh?

Kyle is such a terrible cook, the flies went on strike.

[laughter]

- Blammo! [snaps]

- Oh, fiddlesticks.

[all gasping]

- Ohh. - Whoa!

- Hmm. - Ah! We're losing him!

- Stop pulling things. You're making it worse.

[chuckles] Hey, you've been a beautiful audience.

So why don't you give yourselves a hand.

And then when you're done, give me one.

[laughs] Uh-- Curtains, curtains!

[struggling efforts]

- Oh, this is a disaster.

All right, serve the pudding before he leaves again.

- Right, the pudding.

Who's been stirring the pudding?

- Why's that important?

- I said to keep stirring it...

or the pudding gets everywhere!

- [roaring] [all exclaiming]

- Pudding on the loose! - Mama! Dada!

[all exclaiming]

- Ooh, he looks hungry.

- Bad live cultures.

- [roaring] - Ahh!

- Ahh! What the-- - My tavern! Oh, no!

[roars] - Go the other way!

[thud] - Ohh! Ohh!

[wailing] - Christoph!

He's right behind you! - Christoph, look out!

- Huh? Ohh! - [blubbering, munching]

- Ohh!

- No, our map!

Christoph!

- [burps]

- Horus, zap it! - [stammering]

Ahh!

Ultimate zap!

- [blubbering]

[burps]

♪ ♪

- Ah. - Ugh.

- [sighs] - Ugh.

- Hello? Is anybody there? Can you hear me?

- Yep. That went well. - I seem to be stuck in a wall.

[sickening thud]

- Hello? - Yeah, thank goodness.

I thought we'd messed it all up.

- Sorry, Brendar. I know this isn't what you envisioned.

- Someone grab my fetlock.

- You guys would not believe the day I've had.

- Axe, where have you-- never mind.

- Help! - Let's just pull Christoph

out of the wall so he can go back

to the enchanted forest,

and we can wander around the kingdom forever,

looking for my brother and the demon Alvin.

- [groans] - Yeah.

- Christoph is not happy. - [grunting]

[panting]

[snorts] [inhales]

[grumbles]

[snorts]

Hmm. Hm.

- I'm sorry. We really did try to make it a night to remember.

- Oh, this was definitely a night I will remember.

- Oh, I guess we blew it.

- I wouldn't say that.

You know, I've been wined and dined

by a lot of questors seeking my maps.

And it's always the same thing--a boring dinner,

obligatory massage, tedious lewd performance.

- Uh, well, you know, lewd performances

can be pretty great when in the right hands and the--

What? - I think he likes us.

- Hm, I'll tell you what.

I'll make you that map.

- [gasps]

- Give me something to draw on.

- Ah, oh, right, uh, uh, ooh.

- Hm. - Ha!

How about this kids menu?

- Perfect. Now give me your brother's shovel.

[sniffing] Hmm.

[humming] [all gasp]

Ohm. - Whoa.

[shimmering tone]

- What?

Whoa! Look at that!

- [gasps] - You know, I've never seen

a group of people work so hard,

and have each other's backs like you all

You make a really great team.

- Thank you. - Aw, shucks.

- Really? - But no offence.

Hold onto that map because Christoph

never wants to see any of you again.

[snorts] - Ugh.

- Huh. - We did it. We have the map.

- Now, we focus on our next quest...

saving Kendar.

- Hang on one second. Ah.

I think your next quest is cleanin' this place up!

- Uh. Umm-- - Oh.

- [sighs] - Really?

- [blubbering]

- Oh. - Uh, sorry about that.

I guess I must have gone into one of my daily hibernations.

Ah--I seem to have lost an arm.

I guess my agent came by to collect.

[rim shot]

- Blammo.

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