Original subtitles

Wow. Some party.

It wasn't that wild.

Nobody touched the pinata.

I'm not a pinata.

Hey! That is not a toilet.

It is now.

Who are you?

Genital Warthog.

Ooh! Ooh!

Ow! Oh, that hurt.

Gay pandas?

All pandas gay.

That's why we don't mate in captivity.

It also explains the eye shadow.

Tell us about your illness, Rex.

I... was... a homosexual.

A ho... mo... sexual.

But reverend, you cured me.

I've been straight for 6 months.

No, he hasn't. He was here last night.

These are his pants.

You see, friends.

Jesus can cure every disease.

From homosexuality to Buddhism.

Reverend Van Der Gelding,

I wonder if you could help me.

I have a terrible disorder.

It's called Tourette's syndrome...

Homophobe!

It makes me say the most terrible things.

Jerk! Jerk! Nazi!

Um, yes, I'm familiar with it.

Please say you'll cure me. Fraud!

I don't mean to say, fraud! Bigot!

These awful words. Bad toupee!

Brother, I would love to pray with you,

but we have so many callers on the line.

Please dig deep and send what you can.

Thank you for all the good work you're doing.

Jackass!

You're a wonderful man. Jackass!

God bless you. Creep! Creep! Motherf...

Do we have another caller?

I was very shocked

by that last person.

He's a sick, sick man.

I don't think that's any excuse

for potty mouth.

But still, he makes a lot of sense.

You are a hypocritical, gay bashing moron!

Girls, don't you just love the phone?

Come on down to Happyland.

Adults get in for kids' prices.

Kids get in for adult prices.

And seniors don't get in at all.

That's what makes it happy!

Oh, my gay god, look at this mess!

Busted tables, overturned Chers.

This place is a wreck.

Queer Duck, what are we gonna do?

I'm going to Happyland.

Oh, crap.

Oh, I'm gonna call the whole gang.

Let's make this Gay Day at Happyland.

Can't we go to Disneyland?

They love gay people.

Where's the fun in that?

Would you like to try

"Recovery" by Elizabeth Taylor?

It'll make you smell like a 75-year-old woman.

It's made from rose oil and wet newspapers.

Say, Chet, did I make the store softball league?

You?

Oh, that's a good one.

Jackass.

Pick me! Pick me!

I'll take... Little Stevie Wonder.

Yeah!

I'll take... Little Steven Hawking.

Play ball.

Bi-Polar Bear. It's Gay Day in Happyland.

Oh, goody. Ow!

Hey, watch it there, Zsa Zsa.

Your fur would make a lovely coat.

Your neck would make a terrific boat cover.

Here at Shirley You Jest,

we have the world's largest collection

of Shirley Temple memorabilia.

Dolls, lunchboxes, coffee mugs.

We even have Shirley herself.

Mister, I can't breathe in here.

Honest, I can't.

Quiet, you.

Oscar Wildcat, it's Gay Day in Happyland.

Marvelous.

You know, Happyland really hates these Gay Days.

It's not too late to call it off.

Queer Duck.

Attention, you fairies.

You queens and you marys.

I'm here to declare this.

It's Gay Day at Happyland.

I'm picking something up on gay-dar.

Dear God,

it's like a Bette Midler concert out there.

We're going to code pink.

Beat it, you homos.

Queer Duck, talk to me.

Do you ever get sick of being gay?

No. But sometimes my jaw gets sore.

I mean the whole thing. Society's against it.

The church is against it. My family's against it.

It's fun.

It gets old.

Endless parties, drugs, anonymous sex.

Oh, that's a myth.

Do you even know who you're in bed with now?

I don't know. Daniel Day Lewis?

I'm Rupert Everett.

Who cares? You're gorgeous!

I just think life would be much easier

if I were straight.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't even think like that.

You can't change who you are.

Well, sometimes, I wish I could.

Don't you?

No. I am a gay man.

Like my father,

and his father before him.

Now get some sleep.

We've got work in the morning.

Welcome to T.S. It's Monday.

My name is Gator, and I'll be your waiter.

Oh, what do you know? I'm a poet, too.

Actually, I'm an actor

just waiting for my agent to call

with my big break.

Oh, my gay god.

Hello? Hello, Artie?

That wasn't your phone. My chair squeaked.

Well, thank you, Captain Buzzkills.

So what kind of fried crap

do you want to shove in that enormous head of yours?

Sweet Christ with a handbag!

You're Conan O'Brien!

I just love your show!

When I can't sleep, it puts me right out.

Well, thanks.

Now, admit it. You're gay, aren't you?

No. I'm married.

I have kids.

Fine! Go ahead. Live in denial.

You're just like my poor baby Queer Duck.

Why can't we be happy with who we are?

Do we get bread?

You're a lousy nurse.

Sorry. My head's not in it today.

Well, you know...

Hey!

Way ahead of you.

Welcome. Welcome, everyone to the I.C.U.

That's doctor talk

for I see you still have some money left.

Can't thank you enough.

You really brighten my day, miss...

Call me Lola.

You're Lola Buzzard?

Buh-zard, darling. Buh-zard.

I just saw you on TV.

It was Drugged Out Divas Week on Biography.

I got three nights.

So, what brings you to Shyster Excremente?

Just having the old kisser tightened up.

Botox?

Oh, darling. I'm way beyond Botox.

They have to slap

a poison jellyfish on my face.

Mmm, that one.

He looks fat and venomous.

Ow! Sweet Jesus. The agony.

Son of a bitch!

How do I look? Like the Joker.

That's what I was going for.

Try to make me frown. You can't do it.

Bush is running for a third term.

Oh, Christ. The country's ruined.

You're a funny little duck.

You must spend the day with me.

Peccary!

This is Peccary. He's my limo driver.

He was also husband number two.

And five, madame.

Ducky, we're gonna have the most marvelous day.

First, I want you to see my home.

Peccary, for God's sakes! Slow down, man!

We haven't even left the curb, madame.

Zip it.

Oh, the pain. The pain.

I bought this place in the 70s.

After the Munsters got divorced.

You wouldn't believe

the parties we used to have here.

And the guests.

Frank Sinatra. Junior.

And Sammy Davis.

Senior.

Where'd you get those corny, creepy plates?

Disney dumpster.

Lola, you're amazing.

I can barely keep up with you.

Yes. Doctors tell me

I have the heart of an 18-year-old.

The kid died in a skateboard accident.

It's a joke, darling.

I have Bruce Vilanch on retainer.

Thanks, Lola.

The Bruce signal.

Whoopi must need a joke.

To comedy and beyond!

That's what it's all about, Queer Duck.

Laughter.

Laughter and love and Peccary!

I know...

slow down.

Gator, we've been together for 18 months.

That's 6 centuries in gay years.

I know, and life is great now.

But what will it be like

when we're a couple of old queens?

Openly Gator.

Where the hell is my dinner?

Oh, here.

Why do we keep ordering from that Thai place?

Sounds wonderful.

What? Were you watching

the same dream sequence I was?

Oh, we have an awful future ahead of us.

What are you saying?

Have you met someone else?

No. No, no, no, no.

Darling. Well, kind of.

And who's your little friend here?

I'm his insignificant other.

Ah-ha. I like you.

You remind me of a purse I used to have.

I have an idea.

Why don't we all go see a show?

All right, but you pick.

Broadway seems to have gone completely gay these days.

Let's see...

Guys and Dudes,

the Queen and I,

Oklahomo?

My Fair Lady?

Oh!

My God, do you realize its been 20 years

since I set foot on a Broadway stage?

You should come back and do a one woman show.

Oh, please.

Do you think gay men would pay to hear

and old diva gossip

about her booze and sex problems?

They might.

Ladies, gentlemen,

and ladylike gentlemen,

put your hands together for the original

Buzzard with a Z.

Miss Lola Buh-zard.

Huh? What?

How did all you queens get in my closet?

Ha ha! I'm just kidding.

Are you OK?

Hi. It's Joan Rivers.

I'm here at the Tony Awards.

And I'm talking to Bjork.

Bjork, welcome to our planet.

Who are you wearing tonight?

I'm wearing Coco Chanel.

Literally.

This is her corpse.

You're weird, and you frighten me.

A lot.

Coming up next down the red carpet,

it's the Pet Shop Boys.

Joan, who exactly are you covering this for?

Oh... somebody.

Wait a minute, that's not even a microphone.

You're holding an ice cream cone.

Quiet.

You guys want to make me look bad?

No. That's your plastic surgeon's job.

He seems to be turning you into

a small Chinese man.

Why, you little...

That can't be good.

I can't believe we're at the Tonys.

It's like the gay Olympics.

Well, I wanted to do something nice for you guys.

I hardly see you anymore.

Wow. It's Rosie O'Donnell.

Look at the size of that head.

She looks like a candy apple on a stick.

Yes. A fat stick.

The woman could play herself at Disneyland.

And the nominees for best one woman show

category hag.

Elaine Stritch in "I'm Not Bea Arthur."

Bea Arthur in "I'm Not a Bear."

Lola Buzzard in "Still Not Dead."

And Gwen Verdon in "Still Dead."

And the award goes to...

Lola Buzzard!

You know, it's an honor just to be nominated.

But it's a bitch to lose.

This one's on me, sweetie.

Mazel tov.

Oh, I promised myself I wouldn't fake crying.

But here I go.

I want to dedicate this award

to the one man who got me here.

Queer Duck.

I love you, baby.

You make my life worth living.

Sorry.

Oh, we're quite a team.

We think alike, we make each other laugh.

We finish each other's...

pudding.

Exactly. So what do you say?

You want to get married?

What? Lola.

You know I'm gay.

I don't care. Lots of my husbands were gay.

And if you're ever interested in switching sides,

I know someone who can help.

Hmm.

Lola, if I ever married a woman,

you know it would be you.

Oh, let me think about it.

Of course.

Watch it.

Well, that's-a just-a rude.

You've hardly touched your fifth drink.

What's wrong?

Lola proposed to me.

Congratulations, dear boy.

But she's a woman.

Oh, these things happen.

Let me tell you a story.

The year was 1964,

and gay bars like this didn't exist.

But we still found places to meet.

I'd never seen so many gay people in one place.

From sophisticates like Truman Coyote...

Greetings, Oscar.

To lowlifes like Fruity Fly.

What's the buzz, cuz?

Sorry.

And just when I was feeling confident

in who I was, I saw...

Regina.

No woman before or since

had ever had this effect on me.

After her performance,

I had to speak to her.

We laughed, we danced.

And just as I was about to kiss her...

Raid!

If things had gone differently that night,

I might not be a lonely old man.

Maybe Lola is your one chance at a better life.

Wow. So you never saw Regina again.

No. But I still keep her earring

right next to my heart.

Huh, I wouldn't have pegged you

as the pierced nipple type.

You live and you learn.

Queer Duck, what are you doing here?

You know this food is garbage.

It's fine.

Gator, I have to talk to you.

Lola asked me to marry her.

Oh, well... good for her.

Good for both of you.

You think so?

This is just what you wanted.

A nice, normal life.

You really mean that?

Queer Duck, I love you.

And that means I want whatever makes you happy.

Oh, thank you, Gator.

So I said to Weird Al Yankovic, Weird...

That's what his friends call him, weird.

I said...

Can I take your order?

God, it's you again.

Yes. And I just lost the love of my life.

So I could use a little human decency, please!

Gee, I'm sorry.

I guess I'd like to start with the soup.

Oh, you.

Everything's got to be about you.

I can't listen to this crap!

I don't know why I come here.

Mom, Dad, I have an announcement to make.

Oh, my God. He's gay.

Estelle, you know he's gay.

Well, then he's found something worse than gay

just to punish me.

No, no. I'm getting married.

You are?

Wait a minute. Hold the phone.

This person you're marrying,

it's a woman?

Of course.

So, Melissa,

now that your brother's getting married,

maybe you'll find yourself a man.

Dad, I'm very happy with Beavette.

Oh, Martin. She's just experimenting.

Louis Pasteur didn't do that much experimenting.

What was that?

I said, what's your girlfriend

doing to the carpet?

Not here.

So son, does this mean

you're not gay anymore?

Well, I am, but,

I'm seeing an expert tomorrow,

and he might be able to turn me straight.

Really?

Oh! You make me so happy.

Grandma? I thought you were dead.

To you, I was.

Can I help you, brother?

Reverend Van Der Gelding.

You've seen my show.

I call in all the time.

So when did you first experience

homosexual feelings?

Well, let's see, hmm.

It was 1967,

my parents had just gone to see

Kansas City Bomber.

That Raquel Welch is some groovy chick.

But you're groovier.

My, you have such a powerful tail.

Well, I swim a lot.

You are so interesting.

What do you say we ditch this crowd

and get a drink?

No. I really should go fertilize that egg.

Oh, her.

Look, Morty, it's the son you always wanted.

I'm gay!

What did he say?

Oh. He said, nice day.

That is quite young.

Did you ever tell your parents about this?

Not at first. My father was distant

and hard to talk to.

Dad, sometimes I think I'm not like other ducks.

I don't like sports.

I prefer art and music.

Martin, will you put down

the focacta trumpet and talk to him already?

So how did you finally tell them that you were gay?

Oh, well, that's an interesting story.

It all goes back to those crazy, turbulent

fabulous seventies.

Wait a minute.

Is this gonna be a musical number?

I mean, what is it with you people

and musical numbers?

Just sit back and enjoy it.

No adlibbing.

Sorry.

I'm not repeating that part.

You're Jewish?

I had my beak fixed.

I'm gay!

I'm not that gay!

Are you ready to find out?

It's a simple procedure

I have developed to turn you straight.

Are you... comfortable?

No.

Then let's begin.

I smell chicken.

Oh, boy.

So, Queer Duck.

Do you still feel queer?

As a high school drama teacher.

What?

I love that movie.

It was like a less gay Clockwork Orange.

It gave me tingles.

That treatment never fails.

You are the gayest thing I have ever seen.

And I've been to England!

Well, I guess that's it.

I can't be changed. Thanks anywho.

It's been a pleasure. Yours, of course.

Out! Out! Be gone!

You don't have that movie on DVD, do you?

I'll try Blockbuster.

Wine, madame?

No, thanks.

On second thought...

Lola, I went to that reverend you recommended,

but it didn't work.

You disappointed? Only if you are.

Queer Duck, I don't care if you're gay

or straight or bi or tri.

I just want you to be happy.

Do you think you could still love someone like me?

Well, sure.

I mean, you do have a mustache.

Yeah, but I still need a beard.

You still want to get married?

The sooner the better.

Oh, you must be Queer Duck's parents.

You have a wonderful son.

Oh, thank you.

Well, your little boy is very cute, too.

Hee hee. This isn't my son.

He's my very, very, very special friend.

So. Have you ever reared children?

I have never been convicted.

What is that horrible stench?

It's worse than the monkey diapers.

It smells like, "Recovery"

by Elizabeth Taylor.

Hello, doggy.

Who's getting married today?

Is it me?

Yeah. It's you, Liz.

And who am I marrying this time?

You?

Sure. Why not?

Hello, Rosie. I just want to thank you

for coming out as a lesbian.

And confirming every negative

stereotype about us.

Listen, Xena, you do not want

to get between me and the wedding cake.

I think they'd notice if a piece was missing.

You're right. I better eat the whole thing.

The trick is to unhinge your jaw

like a python.

Ooh, doesn't that hurt?

Oh, yeah. It hurts like a bitch.

I was sent to help you with your hair,

and not a moment too soon.

Ooh!

How do you wear it?

I don't know. Feathered?

Well, let's get busy.

Wait a minute. That's not... final net.

Hmph. I could do that.

I just wish openly Gator was here.

He said he couldn't bear it.

To be so miserable

on the happiest day of Queer Duck's life.

Hi, it's Gator.

I hate to bother you, but I didn't know who else to call.

Look, I can't do this.

I'm in the middle of a show!

Here's a Wonderbra for a mother pig.

Oink oink! Me so horny!

You suck!

All right. Let's talk.

The love of my life is about to marry someone else,

and I can't handle it.

Well, when Andy Richter first left my show,

I wasn't sure I could go it alone.

This isn't about you!

I've gotta stop that wedding.

I'm coming, Queer Duck,

and nothing's gonna stop me!

Where am I?

Some place your little gay friends won't find you.

I've turned hundreds of people straight.

I've even turned Anne Heche straight!

You can have her. We don't want her.

You were my one failure,

but I refuse to give up.

This calls for stronger medicine.

Well, if you're mixing drinks,

I'd like a slow, comfortable screw

up against the wall of a bus station

in Passaic, New Jersey. It's just rum.

I have something a little stronger

in mind for you.

A can of Bud, some stallion's blood,

cologne from an Italian stud,

fibers from Hugh Hefner's robe,

photo of a homophobe,

add Burt Reynolds' old toupee,

and soon this duck will not be gay!

No, no, stop!

It tastes like Snapple!

Oh, God, I wish I had my gag reflex back.

Turn straight!

I command you!

Hey, dude, que pasa?

Could it be? Is he really straight?

What do you think of Cameron Diaz?

She's hot. Camryn Manheim?

She's hot. Sister Wendy?

I'd do her.

Success!

So I told him, "you're still my little boy,

and I love you despite your perversions."

Oh, I wish my parents had said that.

It's hard growing up in America as a black man.

You're black?

You're a man?

Oh. We thought you were Sheena Easton.

Queer Duck!

Queer Duck!

He's not here yet.

Thanks. I'll wait.

Queer Duck!

Queer Duck!

Oh, thank God, I'm not too late!

I had to see you!

Beat it, ya homo.

Do you, Adam Seymour Duckstein,

take this gentile...

I do.

And do you, Lola Buzzard, take this duck,

who they told me was a faygeleh,

but, frankly, I don't see it...

She does.

Now let's start that honeymoon!

You the man!

Crap.

Oh, yeah! Slap it! Slap it!

That's it! Yeah, yeah!

Smack those feathers! Yeah, pluck me!

Pluck me! Pluck me!

Now! Yeah! Lick it! Slap it!

Slap it! That's it! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Oh, that's it!

Let's eat!

Queer Duck, I don't know what came over you.

That was the greatest night of my life!

Gah! Awk!

I'm sorry, Queer Duck.

She's dead.

How can that be?

She was only...

78.

78?!

Lola was remarkably well-preserved.

We found quite a bit of formaldehyde in her bloodstream.

Also Prozac, Xanax, Ex-Lax,

Botox, Clorox...

Pretty much everything but blood.

I'm afraid that last multiple orgasm

must have pushed her over the edge.

You see what you've done?

Oh, sorry, boss.

The gay community shares your pain.

All across America, fags are at half mast.

Too soon?

Whose funeral is this?

Is it mine?

Yeah, it's yours, Liz.

How sad.

Oh, no. Don't cry

you'll make yourself black again.

Look, it's the late Roddy McDowall!

What? I'm a Rubens woman!

Yeah, you look like you've eaten a few reubens.

Ha ha ha ha!

It is written in the Hebrew Bible,

in the book of shecchuchhehchucch,

that the cycle of life continues

with its comings and goings...

in Lola's case, after she came, she went.

Thank you, rabbi.

No change?

Oh, all right.

Do you think the doctor could make me gay again?

Do you think you could stop staring at my tits?

No! I can't!

I'm sorry, Mr. Duckstein.

If a man is straight, no one can make him gay.

My mother did.

Seen enough?

Not yet...

not yet...

not...

yet...

OK, now.

"I, Lola Buzzard, bequeath to Queer Duck

"all my worldly goods,

"including the house...

"The house...

The house."

"The Houston Astrodome."

What?!

"The Rolls-Royce... factory.

And my cash holdings, totaling $10,000."

I'm sorry. That's "$1 million."

Oh! My bad.

That's "$1 billion."

I had no idea.

Madam had it all...

Stocks, land, gold, emeralds, rubies!

You're a very wealthy man.

Big deal.

It's wilder than Girls Gone Wild.

It's Girls Gone Batshit!

See girls rip off their tops!

See naked girls rip off their skin!

Girls Gone Batshit!

A production of Fox News!

Sir, I owe you an apology.

I always presumed you were after madam's money.

I know now I was wrong.

I really loved her.

As did I.

Now I've lost my Lola, I've lost my friends,

I've lost my whole identity.

Do you know how it feels to be heterosexual?

Figure skating is boring.

Rent has no hummable songs.

Margaret Cho isn't funny.

I guess we all knew that.

Oh, Peccary, what am I going to do?

I have procured for you

the one sure cure for heterosexuality.

Hello, gorgeous.

Barbra?

Barbra, can you help me?

Of course.

I've turned thousands of men gay.

My son Jason is gay,

and I've been working on James Brolin.

Uh, what did you say, honey?

I said wait in the car!

You see, Queer Duck,

no matter what society tells you,

or what drugs they pump you full of,

they can't change what's in here.

How do you feel?

I don't feel any different.

I'm still the same duck, in the same bed,

with the same godawful bedspread

that looks like Laura Ashley

threw up all over it...

Oh, my God!

I'm gay again, aren't I?

I'm gay again!

I'm as queer as a goose!

I'm as gay as a $3.00 bill!

I am the king of queens!

You there, boy, what day is it?

Today, sir? Why it's October 11th...

National Coming Out Day.

Wonderful boy, remarkable boy!

Here's $50.

I need you to go to the gay sex shop

and buy me that giant dildo in the window.

The one as big as me?

That's the one!

Blimey!

Oh, Barbra, I can't thank you enough.

Anything you want in this world,

anything at all... it's yours.

Well, I've always to make a sequel to Nuts.

Eh... we'll talk.

Now come, Peccary!

We have things to do.

Take me to Homo No Mo'.

It's in SoHo. Yes, sir.

And, Peccary? Drive as fast as you want!

Yes, sir!

Yoo-hoo! Rectal Roberts!

Look who's gay again!

No! It can't be!

Haw haw!

You be quiet, boy!

Queer Duck, I will not be defeated!

I'll keep kidnapping you and drugging you

till I get it right!

Sounds like a confession to me.

Take him away, boys.

Doh! Fine. Put me in prison.

Just get me away from all this gay sex!

Uh... yeah.

Well, sir, you have your life back.

What are you going to do now?

Well, let's see.

I could do volunteer work...

help the homeless, read to the blind.

Or...

I could cheat with a cheetah.

I could boff every buffalo.

I could masturbate a Gator.

A Gator?

Openly Gator!

I'm back!

Queer Duck.

I knew you'd be back.

Hello, my darling Gator!

I'm sorry for everything I put you through.

I just want you to know,

I'm here, I'm queer, and I want you back, dear,

and your wonderful rear.

You lost me at hello. What?

You found someone else, and so did I.

Liza Minnelli?

You broke my heart, Queer Duck.

I can't let you do it again.

I can't believe I hired

a Liza impersonator just to hurt him.

I'm not an impersonator!

I'm the real Liza!

Oh, right. You were cheaper.

Don't hurt a person!

Sir, if I may say, you've been through quite a bit.

You won a Tony, but you lost your true love.

You've been married, widowed,

gay, straight, gay again,

dirt poor, and filthy rich.

Yeah, it's been a busy weekend. What's your point?

I think it's time you made a fresh start...

enjoy your money, live a little!

You're right!

What should we do first?

Let's redecorate.

What is this? Buddy Ebsen's colostomy bag?

What died in here?

My wife.

Oh.

Flamin'!

Adios! Ciao!

Wait!

I guess it's up to us.

This chimney hasn't been cleaned in 10 years.

I'll do it right up, guv'nor.

And could you sing

one of your merry chimney sweep songs?

I 'aven't got one. Then make one up.

Cor, what's this then?

Emilio Estevez?

So that's where you've been.

Girls, I've been neglecting you,

but I want to make up for it.

Now, I know I can't buy your friendship...

You can buy mine.

I come surprisingly cheap.

Great! Let me be your fairy fairy godmother.

Anything you want, I'll get it for you.

I would've liked a bigger part in this movie.

Yes, yes.

I'm a very popular character.

I know. Maybe in the sequel.

Yeah, I'm holdin' my breath.

How about you, Oscar?

There is one dream I've always had...

The House and Closet Channel

is proud to present...

Antiques Sideshow, With Oscar Wildcat.

I done found this in a trash heap.

It looks like

that little girl from The Exorcist.

Indeed it is.

That is a Linda Blair pepper mill.

The head turns around, just like in the film.

Aah! Your mother blows Nixon in hell.

I have little doubt.

I'd say this is worth between 10 and 12 dollars.

I'm rich!

And what have you got for us today?

Nothing much.

Just this old earring from the sixties.

Do you... know Regina?

I was Regina... back in my drag days.

No!

It was you.

Yes.

But Reverend Van Der Gelding

showed me how sick and ugly that life was.

Oh. I see.

Why do you ask?

That was you that night?

Darling!

I thought you were a woman.

Oh, yes, I was very good.

Rowr.

All these years of heterosexual panic for nothing!

Oh, yes!

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, it's coming back to me.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

All right.

How can we keep him chained up like that?

It was his idea.

This is a minimum security prison.

Oh, you!

Oh, yes!

I saw this happen once on Anderson Cooper.

It's your turn, Bi Polar Bear.

What can I do for you?

Well, when I was a kid,

I was always chosen last for baseball.

Wow! I never got chosen at all.

Then I think you know where I'm coming from.

And now, to throw out the first ball...

the general manager of the Houston Homos...

Bi Polar Bear!

Unh!

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Don't you dare slide!

That's an Armani uniform!

Hey, hey, hey!

All right! Foot-long!

Who wants a foot-long?

I got a foot-long here! How much?

10 bucks to see it, 20 to touch.

Let's go.

Queer Duck, you've brought so much joy with your money.

What are you going to do next?

I'm going to buy Happyland!

I would like to turn this place

into America's first gay theme park.

Oh, I don't think so.

You see, Happyland was passed on to me

by my father, Fritz Happy.

Your family is really named Happy?

Well, actually, it's Hittler...

with two Ts.

And my father believed in strong family values...

Holy crap sticks! Take it!

How do you like that, down there, Dad? Huh?

How do you like it?!

Beat it, hetero.

Fairyland,

the all-gay amusement park, opens tomorrow!

Whether you're gay, bi, transgender, or metrosexual,

you'll want to come for the fun.

So come to Fairyland tomorrow

and check out my opening!

Nooo!

He's going over the wall.

Aah!

Why? The gate's open.

Oh, no.

Are you gonna melt down on me again?

No. I'm in a very happy place right now.

Waiting tables is what I do,

and I'm damn good at it.

Glad to hear it. Could I have 6 blooming onions?

Hello, Artie? What?!

I'll be right there!

I got a part! And it is so me!

I'm playing an admiral!

Well, gee, that's great.

I'm gonna kill my agent.

Ahoy!

Come hear tales of the gay white whale,

mostly dick.

Look... it's the Seven Gay Dwarfs!

There's Queeny.

Of course, Bitchy.

Screamer, Flamer.

There's Prancer. Hello!

And Mincer.

Oh, and there's David Sedaris!

Uh, queens out in Queens.

There are gays in Tangiers.

Those dolls look So life-like.

Help us! We're so hungry.

What a day!

I feel like a young boy.

Uh-huh. But there's never one around when you want one.

Every gay person in town is here!

Can you believe it, Peccary?

Pffft!

Aah!

Welcome to the Hall of Salty Seamen.

There is no eating, drinking,

talking, kissing, groping, sucking, fu...

Oh, fine. Just clean up after yourselves.

Our story begins with the brave gay whalers

of Provincetown.

Thar he blows!

It's Mostly Dick!

'Tis a sperm whale to be sure.

I've never seen one so big... that was white.

Psst... Gator.

Come quick. It's important.

Um, I'll just be minute.

In the meantime, please enjoy this classic gay sea chantey,

The Rectum of Edmund Fits Gerald.

What have you done with Peccary?

I slipped some drugs in his food.

When he passed out, I stripped his clothes off.

Ah... the old camp counselor trick.

We're worried about Queer Duck.

Queer Duck is none of my concern.

We've gone our separate ways,

and I couldn't be happier.

But we think he's in danger.

My baby's in trouble?

Oh, my gay god!

We've gotta help him!

Hey, Mr. Duckstein, here I am!

You know, that boat doesn't go anywhere.

Oh, right.

Thank you, Queer Duck,

for getting all these homosexuals in one place.

What are you going to do?

Remember this stuff?

It turned you straight.

And now I'm going to spray it

on all your little gay friends down there.

You bastard!

You know, for a heterosexual,

you tie really good knots.

Oh, you.

That crazy reverend escaped from prison,

and now Queer Duck is missing.

OK, if we combine all our special talents,

I know we can find him.

I have no special talents. Me, neither.

I can crack walnuts with my ass.

I've eaten walnuts in your home.

Let's fan out and search the park.

He's not in the park.

He's up there.

Attention, homosexuals.

In just one minute, the Fairyland blimp

will be spraying free cosmopolitans!

Whoo! Whoo!

Operation Straight Shooter

set to commence in 60 seconds.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

Oh, crap, I left my lights on.

45 seconds to big squirt.

What the hell...

Openly Gator!

Queer Duck!

Give him back, you bitch!

Rrr!

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

We're dead.

30 seconds to big squirt.

Give up? Make me.

The power of the Lord commands you!

No, I don't.

Jesus! Get it off, get it off, get it off!

15 seconds to big squirt.

Shut up.

We're gonna crash!

Aah!

Ohh!

Aah!

Aah!

Help us, Lord!

Hello? I'm like 3 inches tall.

We better get off this thing.

You think? These are really good knots.

I know.

Aah! Aah!

Ouch! Oh!

Oh! Ooh!

Ow! Ohh!

Aah!

Commence big squirt.

Hey, I'm Jesus.

Oh, Queer Duck, I feel just like Richard Gere,

if he was gay.

Does this mean you forgive me?

Who can stay mad at you?

Are you gay to stay this time?

You bet your gorgeous ass I am.

You beat the Royals.

Louis Armstrong?

Every romantic comedy

ends with a Louis Armstrong number.

He's gonna blow!

I do!

Openly Gator? Say it loud!

Dick Cheney's daughter? I'm so proud.

Rex and Oscar? Celebrate.

Conan O'Brien?

I swear I'm straight!

Erotic! Erratic!

And mostly democratic!

We're so glad!

We're so glad!

I love that movie!

It gave me tingles!

Smack those feathers!

Yeah! Pluck me! Pluck me! Pluck me!

It's Gator. I hate to bother you,

but I didn't know who else to call!

I can crack walnuts with my butt.

Put down the goddamn trumpet!

All right, foot-long! Who wants a foot-long?

I got a foot-long here! How much?

10 bucks to see it, 20 to touch.

Let's go.

Oh, yes, I was very good.

Rowr.

It's charming. I give them warm cookies and milk.

It's not sexual.

The trick is to unhinge your jaw like a python.

All across America, fags are at half mast.

God, that's funny!

Shh!

Oh, hush yourself, bitch.