Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," WE GO INSIDE THE

KITCHEN OF VICTOR CREECH -- THE

ROCK-STAR CELEBRITY CHEF

CHANGING THE WAY WE LOOK AT

FOOD.

>> MARK MY WORDS -- HUMAN SPERM

IS THE NEW BACON.

HUMAN SPERM.

>> LaFonda: ALSO, MORE OF MY

AWARD-WINNING INTERVIEW WITH

KATE WALSH.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

>> [ Laughing ] I KNOW.

>> LaFonda: AND WHAT IF EVERYONE

WHO SAYS THEY'RE GAY IS LYING?

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS."

OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT -- US.

"NEWSREADERS" HAS BEEN CALLED

THE CLOSEST THING TO READING ON

TELEVISION, AND AMERICANS RELY

ON US TO MAKE THEM FEEL SMARTER.

THIS AWARD-WINNING FORMULA IS SO

SUCCESSFUL THAT IT HAS BEEN

EMULATED AROUND THE WORLD --

FROM POWERFUL NATIONS...

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> LaFonda: ...TO WEAKER

NATIONS...

>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> LaFonda: ...AND EVEN MIDDLE

SCHOOLS.

>> TODAY IN THE PROGRAM,

ROCK-BAND CLASS IS FINALLY ADDED

AS AN ELECTIVE.

GOOD NEWS FOR BOYS WITH LONGISH

HAIR.

AND PUPPIES -- MORE LIKE

POOPIES?

ALL THAT AND MORE AND MY

INTERVIEW WITH KATE WALSH'S

NIECE MARISSA.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

>> LaFonda: THE COPYCAT WHO

TOUCHED US THE MOST WAS

CALIFORNIA SIXTH GRADER

ROSA GONZALES.

WE WERE SO IMPRESSED WITH ROSA

THAT WE INVITED HER TO TAG ALONG

WITH US TO INTERVIEW AN ACCUSED

SERIAL KILLER NAMED

ROSCOE THURNPIKE.

ROSCOE THURNPIKE SITS IN PRISON,

ACCUSED OF BRUTALLY MURDERING

17 LAWYERS.

BUT ROSCOE HAS A PROBLEM -- NO

LAWYER WILL REPRESENT HIM.

UNTIL THAT LAST VOICE-OVER,

ROSCOE'S STORY HAD GONE

UNREPORTED.

BUT NOW HIS STORY WAS JUST ONE

ON-CAMERA IN-STUDIO LINE -- THIS

ONE -- AND SOME FOOTAGE OF ME

AND A KID WALKING THROUGH A

METAL DETECTOR AWAY FROM BEING

TOLD.

>> I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE THAT

WITH ME ALL THE TIME.

I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.

>> LaFonda: [ Laughing ] THERE'S

NO PEANUTS IN THE JAIL.

JUST FUTURE PULITZER PRIZES.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO CIGARETTE

SMOKE?

ROSA WAS ABOUT TO GET THE KIND

OF EDUCATION YOU CAN ONLY GET

FROM TELEVISION.

AND ROSCOE THURNPIKE WAS ABOUT

TO GET THE KIND OF INTERVIEW YOU

CAN ONLY GET FROM A TELEVISION

PROGRAM REVERED ALL OVER THE

WORLD.

>> I-I DON'T THINK I CAN GET A

FAIR TRIAL I-IF I HAVE TO DEFEND

MYSELF.

>> LaFonda: WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THE LAW, AND THIS

IS A TOUGH CASE.

>> PLUS MY TERRIBLE SECRET.

>> LaFonda: LET ME PREFACE THAT

BY SAYING ANYTHING YOU SAY IS

GONNA BE ON TAPE AND CAN BE USED

AGAINST YOU IF SUBPOENAED, SO...

>> UH-HUH, I'M AT PEACE WITH

THAT.

>> LaFonda: Tell your mom to buy

you a dress for the Pulitzers.

>> I CAN'T READ.

>> LaFonda: YOU CAN'T READ?

>> I CAN'T READ.

>> LaFonda: BUT WE'VE SEEN TAPE

OF YOU LOOKING AT BOOKS.

>> I-I FOUND THE, UH, PAGES

TASTE BETTER THAN PRISON FOOD.

>> LaFonda: YOU WERE WEARING

GLASSES.

>> I-I LIKE TO SEE WHAT I'M

EATING.

>> LaFonda: SO WHY COULDN'T

ACCUSED LAWYER-KILLER

ROSCOE THURNPIKE GET A LAWYER?

WE ASKED JASON BLOOM, A MAN WHO

MADE HIS PARENTS HAPPY BY GOING

TO LAW SCHOOL AND THEN

DISAPPOINTED THEM BY BECOMING A

CHIEF PUBLIC DEFENDER.

WHY HAVE ALL THE PUBLIC

DEFENDERS IN YOUR OFFICE REFUSED

TO REPRESENT MR. THURNPIKE?

>> [ SMACKS LIPS ] MANY REASONS.

UH, IT'S JANUARY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE VACATIONS

THIS TIME OF YEAR.

>> LaFonda: OH, VACATIONS.

SURE. SURE.

>> PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES,

OF COURSE.

>> LaFonda: MM-HMM.

>> UH, CONSTRUCTION ON ROUTE 18.

>> LaFonda: ALWAYS.

>> AND HE KILLED 17 LAWYERS.

>> LaFonda: ALLEGEDLY KILLED 17

LAWYERS.

PERHAPS THE ATTORNEY GENERAL

WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR

SCHEDULING DIFFICULTIES.

>> HE'S AT A PARENT-TEACHER

CONFERENCE.

>> LaFonda: OH, IS HE?

WELL, I WONDER HOW HIS SON IS

DOING IN CIVICS CLASS, WHICH IS

THE STUDY OF GOVERNMENT AND LAW.

>> I -- I KNOW THAT.

>> LaFonda: BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE

HE WOULD LEARN ABOUT HIS

CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO AN

ATTORNEY.

[ CLANG! ]

SEE THAT?

THAT'S THE "I'M BUSTED" FACE.

SEE HIS FACE? DRAW THAT.

DRAW A PICTURE OF THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. YEAH.

>> LaFonda: YOU'RE LEAVING THE

INTERVIEW?

ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

MR. BLOOM IS LEAVING THE

INTERVIEW.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE GOT A WALK-OUT!

AS A RESULT OF OUR

INVESTIGATION, THE STATE

SUPREME COURT RULED THAT

MR. THURNPIKE COULD NOT BE

FORCED TO REPRESENT HIMSELF.

AND WITH NO LAWYERS WILLING TO

TAKE THE CASE, HE WAS FREED.

THANKS TO "NEWSREADERS,"

ROSCOE THURNPIKE, GUILTY OF

NOTHING MORE THAN BEING

VICTIMIZED BY AN UNFAIR CRIMINAL

JUSTICE SYSTEM, COULD REJOIN

SOCIETY AS A FREE MAN.

WE THOUGHT THAT WAS THE END OF

THE STORY.

TURNS OUT, IT WAS JUST THE

MIDDLE.

THREE WEEKS AFTER HE WAS FREED,

ROSA GONZALEZ DID A FOLLOW-UP

INTERVIEW WITH ROSCOE THURNPIKE

ON HER SHOW.

>> LATER ON IN THE PROGRAM,

NANTASKET BEACH LIFEGUARDS ARE

TOTALLY ON A POWER TRIP.

BUT FIRST, PLEASE WELCOME MY

VERY SPECIAL GUEST -- FORMER

ACCUSED KILLER ROSCOE THURNPIKE.

HOW'S IT GOING, ROSCOE?

HOW'S LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE?

>> UH, WONDERFUL THANKS TO YOU

AND, UH, "NEWSREADERS."

>> WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

>> UH, LOTS OF STUFF.

UH, I'VE BEEN TENDING TO MY

GARDEN, WHICH WAS OUT OF

CONTROL.

>> MM-HMM.

>> PLUS, SO MUCH HAS CHANGED

SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE

CONSTRUCTION ON ROUTE 18.

>> YEAH.

DON'T GET MY MOM STARTED.

>> PLUS, I'VE BEEN GETTING A LOT

OF LAWYER KILLING DONE.

>> SO YOU KILLED THOSE LAWYERS?

>> OH, YEAH. I'M NUTS FOR IT.

I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT.

>> LaFonda: ROSCOE THURNPIKE IS

NOW ON THE LAM, AND WE HERE AT

"NEWSREADERS" ARE AT LEAST

PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE.

AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING YOU

CAN GIVE US CREDIT FOR -- LITTLE

ROSA GONZALEZ HAS BECOME A STAR.

HER LIFE CHANGED OVERNIGHT.

SHE EXPOSED THE TRUTH,

"NEWZKIDS" IS NOW AN INTERNET

SENSATION, AND ROSA GONZALEZ IS

A HOUSEHOLD NAME.

>> HEY, UH, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT

THIS LITTLE GIRL --

ROSA GONZALEZ?

YEAH, TURNS OUT THIS SIXTH

GRADER IS A BRILLIANT

JOURNALIST.

SPEAKING OF LITTLE KIDS, ALL DAY

I THOUGHT IT WAS TUESDAY UNTIL

MY SON CORRECTED ME, AND I WAS

LIKE, "WHO AM I? 'NEWSREADERS'?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> LaFonda: WE DECIDED TO CATCH

UP WITH ROSA TO SEE HOW SHE WAS

HANDLING ALL THE ATTENTION.

>> NEXT WEEK, STUART MILLER

LEAVES GYM IN AN AMBULANCE.

THE COOL KIDS SUSPECT EPILEPSY

OR, QUOTE, "SOMETHING ELSE THAT

MAKES YOU LOOK SPECIAL NEEDS."

>> LaFonda: WASN'T SHE TERRIFIC?

HUH.

VERY GOOD FIRST TAKE.

SO, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A

REAL NEWSPERSON?

>> WELL, I'M NOT. MAYBE SOMEDAY.

>> LaFonda: I HEARD YOU WON AN

AWARD.

>> THE L.A. TIMES GAVE ME A

JUNIOR NEWS ACHIEVER AWARD.

I GOT TO GO TO THE PAPER TO GET

IT.

THEY LET ME HANG OUT IN THE

NEWSROOM.

>> LaFonda: OOH! OKAY.

OBSERVING PEOPLE WHILE THEY

WORK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S YOUR BEAT.

RIGHT? REMEMBER? LIKE WITH US?

>> YEAH.

>> LaFonda: YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CAPITAL OF

KENTUCKY IS?

>> FRANKFORT.

>> LaFonda: THAT'S VERY GOOD.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE CAPITAL OF

THE CONGO IS?

>> NO. THAT'S NOT A STATE.

>> LaFonda: KINSHASA.

>> IT'S NOT A STATE.

>> LaFonda: NO.

IT'S ANOTHER COUNTRY, BUT OTHER

COUNTRIES HAVE CAPITALS, TOO.

JUST SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO

REMEMBER.

THE DAUGHTER OF IMMIGRANTS, ROSA

IS MORE THAN LIVING UP TO HER

PARENTS' AMERICAN DREAMS.

SO, DID YOU EVER THINK YOUR

LITTLE ROSA WOULD BECOME A

CELEBRITY?

>> THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

>> LaFonda: OH.

>> DO YOU WANT ME TO TRANSLATE?

>> LaFonda: EH, I'M GOOD.

THEIR MODEST APARTMENT IS A

SHRINE TO ROSA'S ACHIEVEMENTS.

I SEE YOU GOT STAR STUDENT

THERE.

AND, OH, LOOK AT THAT -- YOUR

L.A. TIMES JUNIOR NEWS ACHIEVER

AWARD.

THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

>> YEAH.

>> LaFonda: MAY 15th.

I BET YOU'LL NEVER FORGET THAT

DAY.

>> YEAH, IT WAS REALLY EXCITING.

>> LaFonda: TUESDAY, MAY 15th.

THAT'S A SCHOOL DAY.

>> YEAH.

>> LaFonda: SO YOU WENT DOWN TO

THE NEWSPAPER ON A SCHOOL DAY,

AND [LAUGHS] YET YOU'RE AWARD

FOR PERFECT ATTENDANCE IS RIGHT

NEXT TO THAT.

>> YEAH. IT COUNTED AS SCHOOL.

>> LaFonda: RIGHT.

SO DOES STUART MILLER'S TRIP

DOWN TO THE HOSPITAL COUNT AS

SCHOOL?

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> LaFonda: DO YOU KNOW WHY HE

WAS CARTED AWAY IN THAT

AMBULANCE?

>> THE COOL KIDS SAID --

>> LaFonda: ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK,

BECAUSE STUART LEFT HIS EpiPen

AT HOME THAT DAY, AND

TAMMI BOSEY BROUGHT A

PEANUT-BUTTER-AND-JELLY SANDWICH

INTO THEIR CIVICS CLASS AND YOU

WEREN'T THERE TO LEND STUART

YOURS.

BUSTED.

>> EVEN IF I WAS IN SCHOOL THAT

DAY, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE.

>> LaFonda: [ SCOFFS ]

>> I'M NOT IN THAT CLASS.

>> LaFonda: NO, YOU WEREN'T,

WERE YOU?

>> NO, BECAUSE I'M NOT.

>> LaFonda: OH! THERE IT IS!

THAT'S YOUR "I'M BUSTED" FACE.

>> THIS IS MY "I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT" FACE.

>> LaFonda: OH, OKAY. GREAT.

A WALK-OUT.

[ CLAPS ]

MONEY IN THE BANK!

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SCOFFS ]

KNEW SHE'D CRACK.

ROSA GONZALEZ -- ONCE CELEBRATED

FOR EXPOSING THE TRUTH, THAT

PAST ACHIEVEMENT IS NOW SHROUDED

IN A CLOUD OF FUDGED ATTENDANCE.

LOOKS LIKE THINGS AREN'T COMING

UP ROSA ANYMORE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

EVERY ROSA HAS ITS THORNS.

ROSAS ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE,

NEXT TIME, CHECK YOUR FACTS.

WELL, THERE'S ONE JOURNALIST WE

KNOW WHO ALWAYS GETS HIS FACTS

STRAIGHT -- SKIP REMING.

>> HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE

SUPERMARKET LATELY?

I HADN'T.

THEN, THE OTHER DAY, MY MEXICAN

HOUSEKEEPER, MARIA, CALLED IN

SICK, LEAVING ME TO DO THE

SHOPPING.

WELL, THANKS TO MARIA'S LITTLE

STUNT, I LEARNED SOMETHING.

THE GROCERY STORES I GREW UP

WITH ARE A THING OF THE PAST.

TODAY, THE SIMPLE ACT OF PUTTING

FOOD ON THE TABLE MEANS HAVING

TO NAVIGATE AN IMPENETRABLE MAZE

OF RAINBOW-COLORED TRINKETS,

WHERE EVERY TURN IS A ONE-WAY

TICKET TO DIARRHEA TOWN.

GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, AND

YOUR FIRST STOP HAD BETTER BE

THE DICTIONARY AISLE, BUB.

THE WAY THINGS ARE LABELED, IT'S

THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE GETTING.

ORGANIC.

GLUTEN FREE.

DECAFFEINATED.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE --

HOMOGENIZED.

[ Laughing ] NO, THANKS,

HOMO GENIE.

I'LL TAKE MY MILK THE

OLD-FASHIONED WAY -- FROM THE

BREAST OF A PREGNANT GOAT.

AND SINCE WHEN DOES FOOD HAVE TO

BE FOOD?

GROWING UP, ME AND SOME LOCAL

KIDS FORMED A GANG.

WE CALLED OURSELVES

THE STREET CHEFS, AND WE'D ROAM

THE NEIGHBORHOOD MAKING MEALS

OUT OF ANYTHING THAT WASN'T

NAILED DOWN -- HUBCAPS, LINOLEUM

TILE, USED PROPHYLACTICS, THOSE

LITTLE PELLETS OF MOUSE BONES

OWLS COUGH UP.

THAT STUCK TO THE RIBS ALL RIGHT

AND GOT YOU THROUGH THE DAY.

BUT YOU ASK THE STOCK BOY WHERE

THEY KEEP THE OWL PELLETS TODAY,

AND HE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE YOU

ESCAPED FROM A NERVOUS HOSPITAL.

WELL, WOULD A CRAZY PERSON PICK

A FIGHT WITH GOD?

HUH? YOU HEAR ME GOD?!

I'M DONE EATING YOUR GARBAGE!

>> LaFonda: THANKS, SKIP.

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

YOU DON'T HEAR ABOUT MANY

VICTORIES IN THIS WAR.

WE'LL TELL YOU ABOUT ONE OF

THEM.

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

AND FINALLY TONIGHT, WE HAVE TWO

CORRECTIONS.

THE FIRST IS THAT A SECOND AGO,

I SAID THAT WE HAVE TWO

CORRECTIONS WHEN WE ACTUALLY

ONLY HAVE ONE.

THERE IS NO SECOND CORRECTION.

I'M LOUIS LaFONDA. GOODNIGHT.

>> I WOULD SLIT MY MOM'S THROAT

TO DRESS LIKE YOU DO.