Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: COMING UP ON

"NEWSREADERS," LIBYA AND

LEBANON -- CAN YOU TELL THE

DIFFERENCE?

ONE YOUNG BOY CLAIMS HE CAN.

ALSO, ROLLED-UP HAM AND CHEESE,

A COUPLE OF PICKLES, AND AN

AMBIEN -- IT'S CALLED "TANCH,"

AND IT'S THE NEW MEAL EVERYONE'S

EATING BETWEEN MIDNIGHT AND

2:00 A.M.

ALSO, HUMANZEES -- MORE

DANGEROUS THAN ORANGU-HUMANS?

[ Australian accent ] ALL THAT

AND MORE TONIGHT ON

"REEF RUNNERS."

AIR TRAVEL -- IT REALLY SUCKS,

BUT IT DIDN'T USED TO.

TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH AIR

TRAVEL HAS CHANGED, WE

SENT VETERAN WAR CORRESPONDENT

SKIP REMING, WHO HAS NOT FLOWN

FOR 35 YEARS, ON THE MOST

TERRIFYING MISSION OF HIS LONG

CAREER -- TO BOOK A FLIGHT.

>> OURS IS A MOBILE CULTURE.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF THE AMERICAN

PUBLIC HAD WINGS.

THESE DAYS, THE ONLY AMERICANS

WHO DON'T FLY ARE THE ONES WHO

SPENT THE FIRST FIVE CLICKS

OUTSIDE SAIGON CLINGING TO THE

TAIL OF AN EMBASSY CHOPPER.

I COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO THAT

GUY.

WE'RE VERY CLOSE -- LIKE

BROTHERS WHO WERE THEIR PARENTS'

ONLY KID.

HE'S ME.

FLYING WASN'T ALWAYS A CHORE.

IT USED TO BE A CHANCE TO RELAX,

UNWIND, AND FINGER A STEWARDESS

OR TWO.

YOU COULD BRING YOUR LUCKY BOWIE

KNIFE ABOARD AND JOIN THE PILOT

IN THE COCKPIT FOR A MARTINI AND

SOME HELEN KELLER JOKES.

AND IT'S CHANGED BECAUSE OF ALL

THE NEW REGULATIONS.

THESE DAYS, THANKS TO THE TSA,

AIRPORTS HAVE MORE RULES THAN A

HOOKER WHO DOESN'T KISS.

I SAT DOWN WITH

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

SPOKESPERSON RED KOZIOSCKO.

RED WAS IN THE GAME WHEN ORVILLE

AND WILBUR WRIGHT WERE STILL IN

SHORT PANTS.

I WROTE THAT.

WELL, RED, YOU SEEM LIKE A GOOD

EGG, BUT A LOT OF AMERICANS ARE

SAYING NASTY THINGS ABOUT YOUR

HENHOUSE.

I WROTE THAT.

"UNTRAINED AGENTS, INVASIVE

SCREENING PROCEDURES, RACIAL

PROFILING"...

WHAT'S THAT ONE -- RACIAL

PROFILING?

YOU MEAN LIKE BUDDY HACKETT

SAYING, "CHINAMEN CAN'T DRIVE"?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> NOT EXACTLY.

IT'S UNFAIRLY SINGLING SOMEONE

OUT BASED ON RACE.

>> SO, SINGLING SOMEONE OUT

FAIRLY IS OKAY?

LIKE CHINAMEN?

THEY CAN'T DRIVE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

CLASSIC HACKETT.

>> OH, GIVE ME THE

BACK BAY BOYS AND THE

BY GUM RUMMY BROTHERS AND

JACK BENNY ANY DAY.

>> MM.

>> YEAH.

[ As Jack Benny ] OH, ROCHESTER!

>> SIMPLER TIMES.

>> OH, BENNY WAS A SISSY, AND

ROCHESTER WAS HIS NEGRO.

END OF STORY.

BUT TO REALLY SEE HOW BAD AIR

TRAVEL HAD BECOME, I'D HAVE TO

BOOK A TICKET.

I SETTLED ON EGYPT.

>> SKIP, I HAVE TO STRONGLY

ADVISE AGAINST VISITING EGYPT.

THAT COUNTRY HAS CHANGED A LOT

SINCE THE --

>> LISTEN, RED.

IN WWII, I WAS STATIONED ON AN

ICE-CREAM BOAT OFF THE COAST OF

HAMAMATSU, JAPAN, WITH A

MIDSHIPMAN NAMED ANDREW VAJDA, A

JERSEY GUY.

AND EVERY NIGHT, WE USED TO TAKE

A CRUISING YAWL TO THE BEACH,

AND WE'D BEAT UP ON SOME JAPS

JUST FOR FUN.

I PICKED UP SOME KARATE, AND

THEY PICKED UP SOME FISTS IN

THEIR NOSES.

TURNS OUT ONE OF THEM INVENTED

JUDO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING YOU

CAN'T HANDLE YOURSELF, SKIPPER.

I'M JUST SAYING, "WHY NOT" --

>> RED, BUDDY.

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I PRACTICALLY INVENTED JUDO.

COME ON. I'LL SHOW YA.

>> I THROW MY BACK OUT TOWELING

OFF AFTER A SHOWER.

I CAN'T --

>> AW, HELL.

I THROW MY BACK OUT SO MUCH, I'M

STARTING TO LIKE IT.

WHERE'D YOU HURT YOUR BACK?

IN THE FIRST "GULF WAR"?

>> KOREA.

>> KOREA?

DID THEY HAVE A MEN'S DEPARTMENT

WHERE YOU GOT THAT CONFLICT?

>> CONFLICT?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY, NAVY BOY!

>> IT'S SHOW TIME!

>> AAH! OH!

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

AAAAAAH!

>> [ YELLING INDISTINCTLY ]

AFTER I VACUUMED THE FLOOR WITH

THIS GUY, I CRACKED MY KNUCKLES

AND HEADED OUT TO THE AIRPORT.

MY BAGS WERE PACKED, MY TICKETS

TO EGYPT SECURE, AND MY GAL AT

THE OFFICE GAVE ME MY PILL

CALENDAR.

EH, JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF IT,

BOZO.

I GOT IT.

HEY, MY BUICK'S OUT THERE ON THE

CURB.

[ COIN FLIPS ]

WASH HER UP FOR ME.

I'LL BE BACK WHEN I'M BACK.

IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO REALIZE

WHAT ALL THE WHINING WAS ABOUT.

>> PHOTO I.D.

>> IT'S OKAY. I'M SKIP REMING.

>> I NEED TO SEE A

GOVERNMENT-ISSUED PHOTO I.D.

>> YOU WANT AN I.D.?!

HOW ABOUT THAT?!

>> WE'RE NO LONGER TAKING

BILLBOARDS.

>> TIME TO FACE THE TSA HEAD-ON.

I WROTE THAT.

I HAVE NEVER TAKEN OFF MY SHOES

AT A GENTLEMAN'S REQUEST IN MY

LIFE.

I'M NOT GONNA START NOW.

>> OKAY.

[ METAL DETECTOR BEEPS ]

OH, SIR.

ONE SECOND, SIR.

>> SIR, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO

MORE METAL ON YOU?

>> I FORGOT.

>> WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! SIR!

PUT THE WEAPON ON THE BELT NOW!

>> HUNTER THOMPSON GAVE ME THIS

GUN.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM MY

COLD, DEAD, FING--

[ GRUNTS ]

AW, ALL RIGHT.

[ SIGHS ]

>> OKAY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

OPEN THIS UP.

>> NO.

THAT'S MY WIFE.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT, YOU JAP

SON OF A BITCH!

>> SIR.

>> COME ON!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME,

COPPERS!

JUDO! JUDO!

COME ON! COME ON!

>> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ]

THANKS, SKIP.

LATER ON IN OUR PROGRAM, THE

CREDITS.

AND...ANGELS.

NEARLY 8 IN 10 AMERICANS BELIEVE

IN THEM.

WE'LL TELL YOU HOW TO USE THEIR

GULLIBILITY TO YOUR FINANCIAL

ADVANTAGE.

BUT FIRST, WHAT ABOUT THE ANGELS

WE HAVE RIGHT HERE ON EARTH?

THEY'RE CALLED ROBOTS.

THEY CLEAN OUR POOLS, BUILD OUR

CARS, AND EVEN BOMB COUNTRIES

WE'RE MAD AT.

AND IN THE LATEST BREAKTHROUGH,

ROBOTS ARE TREATING THE SICK?

[ CHUCKLES ]

HERE TO TAKE US INSIDE THIS

CUTTING-EDGE MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY,

AND TO ATTRACT YOUNGER VIEWERS,

IS XANDRA DENT WITH

"XANDRA'S TECHZINE."

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> THINK OF YOUR FAVORITE ROBOT.

MINE'S VOLTRON.

NOW, WHAT IF VOLTRON WERE HERE

IN THIS HOSPITAL HELPING YOU GET

HEALTHY?

THAT'S THE IDEA BEHIND MED-X.

MED-X COULD BE EPIC.

RADFORD BRIST CREATED THIS

AWESOME ROBOT THAT CONSTANTLY

MONITORS AND DIAGNOSES PATIENTS.

HE SAYS IT COULD TOTALLY REBOOT

HEALTHCARE.

>> MED-X CAN TAKE YOUR BLOOD

PRESSURE, PERFORM AN X-RAY,

ADMINISTER AN I.V., DIALYSIS

TREATMENT, COLONOSCOPY.

IT CAN EVEN DO --

>> LET'S DO THAT.

>> WHICH?

>> COLONOSCOPY.

>> OKAY.

>> SOUNDS PRETTY KICK-ASS.

BUT SOME MIGHT SAY THAT IT IS

"ASS-KICKING," AS IN THEIRS.

THESE CRITICS BELIEVE THAT MED-X

IS NOT BOSS.

THEY THINK THIS TECHNOLOGY IS,

IN FACT, REDANKY.

SO, WHY ARE YOU SO, LIKE,

BUTT-HURT OVER THIS ROBOT?

>> NO MACHINE CAN DO WHAT I CAN

DO.

>> DR. HUGH BOWMAN IS CHIEF

INTERNIST AT SAN JOSE REGIONAL

HOSPITAL, WHERE HE'S WIDELY

RECOGNIZED AS BOTH BRILLIANT AND

AN ASSHOLE.

[ FLATLINE ]

>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

THAT AN ALGORITHM CAN'T TEACH

YOU -- HOW TO LOOK A PATIENT IN

THE EYE AND TELL THEM THEY'RE

GOING TO DIE.

I DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, AND

I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA LET

A BOX OF WIRES --

>> [ BEEPING ]

>> "RISING LEVELS OF STRESS AND

ANXIETY DETECTED?

RECOMMENDATION -- DECREASE

STIMULANTS"?

"DECREASE" MEANS, LIKE, "LESS."

>> DON'T TELL ME WHAT WORDS

MEAN.

>> YOU SEE, MED-X IS LIKE THE

SUPERHERO DAREDEVIL.

HE WAS BLIND, BUT HIS OTHER

SENSES WERE SO ACUTE, HE COULD

ACTUALLY "SEE" BETTER THAN WE

CAN.

>> I ACTUALLY DRESSED UP AS

"HOT DAREDEVIL" FOR HALLOWEEN.

>> THIS IS SO AWESOME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON

"XANDRA POINT OH."

>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOW CALLED

"CIRCUITZ," WITH A "Z."

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

SO, THE ROBOT -- DOES IT HAVE

SENSES?

CAN IT, LIKE, SEE MY HAIR AND

HOW CUTE I LOOK?

>> WELL, IT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO

"SEE" LIKE WE CAN, BUT ITS

INSTRUMENTS CAN GATHER DATA FROM

THE ENVIRONMENT.

>> COULD IT BECOME SMARTER THAN

HUMANS?

>> I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR.

>> COULD IT GET THE OTHER

MACHINES TO TURN AGAINST US?

>> I-I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> YOU KNOW, BY, LIKE, LOCKING

DOORS, PUMPING OXYGEN OUT OF

ROOMS, UM, CAUSING ELEVATORS TO

FALL.

THAT SORT OF THING.

>> THAT'S, LIKE, MOVIE STUFF.

THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

>> I MEAN, THE MACHINE WAS

DESIGNED TO ELIMINATE DISEASE.

WHAT IF IT BEGINS TO SEE

HUMANITY ITSELF AS A DISEASE --

AS A CANCER THAT MUST BE

DESTROYED?

I MEAN, IF "THE MATRIX" HAS

TAUGHT US ANYTHING -- THE

ORIGINAL.

THE SEQUELS WERE TOTALLY

JAR-JAR -- IT'S THAT ALL IT

TAKES FOR MACHINES TO RISE UP IS

ONE TINY GLITCH IN THE SOFTWARE,

AND THEN...

[ IMITATES EXPLOSIONS ]

PSSH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> WOW.

I GOT TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL.

COME ON!

>> IF WE DON'T SHUT THE MACHINES

DOWN, MED-X WILL KILL EVERYONE!

>> SHUT ALL THE MACHINES DOWN!

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

SHUT IT DOWN!

SHUT IT DOWN!

IT'S ALREADY IN THE SYSTEM!

IT'S KILLING THESE PATIENTS!

>> WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!

>> THESE MACHINES ARE KEEPING

THEM ALIVE, YOU IDIOT!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> WE NEED TO UPLOAD THE KILL

CODES TO STOP MED-X!

[ GASPS ]

GET OUT OF THE WAY, DOCTOR!

THIS IS TOTALLY AN EPIC FAIL.

>> YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, DO

YOU?

IT'S ALREADY OVER.

MED-X KILLS.

THAT'S WHAT IT DOES.

THAT'S ALL IT DOES.

I WAS A FOOL TO RESIST IT.

>> OW! OW!

>> SHUT IT DOWN!

>> I'LL HAVE IT!

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> OH, NO!

MED-X KILLED THE POWER!

>> [ BEEPING ]

>> [ WHIMPERS ]

>> THIS HOSPITAL'S CONNECTED TO

THE POWER GRID.

THE POWER GRID'S CONNECTED TO

THE WHOLE CITY.

THE CITY TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

>> WE'RE PROBABLY THE LAST

PEOPLE ON EARTH.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

SAYS IT'S MY MOM.

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

EVERYONE'S BEEN KILLED.

MED-X IS TRYING TO GET INSIDE MY

HEAD BY POSING AS SOMEONE I

LOVE!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ CELLPHONE CRASHES ]

>> XANDRA.

THERE'S NO TIME FOR FEAR.

ONLY COURAGE.

WE HAVE TO DO WHAT WE'VE BEEN

AFRAID TO DO -- WHAT WE NEED TO

DO.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE WITHOUT EVER

HAVING DONE IT WITH A WHITE GUY.

>> YEP.

>> [ MOANING ]

RADFORD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ STATIC ]

>> THE MACHINES ARE COMING.

[ THUMPING ]

Oh, no.

Med-X is here.

It's come to kill its creator.

And there's nothing I can do

about it.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

[ STATIC ]

>> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ]

UH.

TAKE TWO OF THOSE AND CALL ME IN

THE MORNING.

THANKS, XANDRA.

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS," IT'S

CALLED HALCYON MEADOWS, AND IT'S

THE SITE OF THE LARGEST RECORDED

SYPHILIS OUTBREAK IN AMERICAN

HISTORY.

>> WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY?

OLD PEOPLE LOVE TO [BLEEP]

>> LaFonda: AND CELEBRITIES --

HOW DO THEY GET THEIR PANTS ON?

WE'LL GIVE YOU LEG-BY-LEG

UPDATES.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE A TRANSCRIPT

OF TONIGHT'S SHOW, PLEASE WRITE

TO US AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU WOULD

EVER WANT OR NEED THAT.

I'M LOUIS LaFONDA.

GOODNIGHT.

>> COULD YOU TELL US A LITTLE

BIT ABOUT YOUR TSA EXPERIENCE?

>> WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY

THAT -- BABA BOOEY, BABA BOOEY!

HOWARD STERN'S PENIS!

>> SON OF A BI--

>> BABA BOOEY!