Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," ASTRONAUTS IN

SPACE -- HOW DO THEY POOP?

SIX FAMOUS ASTRONAUTS REFUSE TO

TELL US.

AND CAN RACISTS LIKE SALSA

DANCING?

WE'LL MEET ONE WHITE SUPREMACIST

WHO SAYS, "CLARO QUE Sí."

ALSO, BABY ASPIRIN AND VANILLA

EXTRACT -- IS IT A REVOLUTIONARY

NEW CURE FOR BALDNESS?

NOPE.

ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT, ON

"NEWSREADERS."

FOR GENERATIONS, AMERICANS HAVE

BEEN WAGING A LOSING WAR ON

OBESITY.

WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING --

DIETING, JUICE FASTS, BULIMIA.

BUT NONE OF IT HAS WORKED.

BUT THERE IS ONE TOWN THAT IS

WINNING THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE.

RIVERTON, OHIO, THE RECORD

HOLDER FOR FITTEST TOWN IN

AMERICA 20 YEARS RUNNING.

JUST WHAT IS RIVERTON'S SECRET?

SADEE DEENUS WON'T ANSWER THAT

QUESTION, BUT SHE'LL ASK A FEW

OF HER OWN.

>> WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HERE IN

RIVERTON, OHIO, IS LIKE STEPPING

BACK IN TIME...

IF THERE EVER WAS A TIME WHEN

AMERICANS WEREN'T MORBIDLY

OBESE.

FATNESS IS SEWN INTO THE VERY

FABRIC OF OUR DEMOCRACY.

EVEN OUR NAMES ARE FAT, FROM

ABOLITIONIST HARRIET TUBMAN TO

26th U.S. PRESIDENT

PORKPIE SWELLBOTTOM.

BUT IT TURNS OUT THE FITTEST

TOWN IN THE COUNTRY ALSO HAS

MORE FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS PER

CAPITA THAN ANY OTHER CITY.

AND HERE'S THE REAL KICK IN

THE NUTS -- NO GYMS.

SO AGAINST THESE ODDS, HOW DOES

RIVERTON STAY SO FIT AND TRIM?

RIVERTON MAYOR VINCENT GATES.

>> OKAY, PEOPLE HERE DON'T THINK

ABOUT STAYING FIT.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME.

WE'RE TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT

HARD WORK AND PROVIDING FOR OUR

FAMILIES.

>> IT'S BEEN SAID THAT IF RUBENS

COULD REPRISE HIS FULL-FIGURED

NUDES HERE IN RIVERTON, HE'D

SAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON PAINT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY, LET ME TELL YOU, WE

DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF TIME FOR

WORDPLAY IN RIVERTON.

BUT IF WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO

SAY WITH THAT WEIRD POEM THAT

YOU WERE SAYING IS, YES, THAT'S

ACCURATE.

YOU WOULD BE HARD PRESSED TO

CALL US A BUNCH OF FAT [BLEEP]

>> FAT [BLEEP]

THAT'S VERY STRONG.

>> I'M NOT SAYING THAT FAT

PEOPLE ARE NOT AS HARDWORKING

AS WE ARE.

BUT THEY AREN'T.

PLUS, I AM VERY STRONG.

>> HOW DID YOU GET THAT WAY WITH

NO GYMS IN TOWN?

>> OKAY, SIX WAYS...

HARD WORK, REALLY STRONG,

NO WORDPLAY, FAT [BLEEP]

JUST NORMAL FOLKS.

>> I SPOKE TO SOME OF THESE

"NORMAL FOLK," THE RUBYS, IN

THEIR TYPICAL RIVERTON KITCHEN.

SO, HOW DO YOU STAY SO FIT?

>> OH, WE'RE JUST HARDWORKING,

I GUESS.

>> YOU'RE SALT OF THE EARTH, YET

YOU CAN EAT ALL THE SALT YOU

WANT.

>> WELL, WE'RE NOT MUCH INTO

WORDPLAY AROUND HERE.

YOU KNOW, PLUS, I GOT CONFUSED

BECAUSE SALT IS NOT ASSOCIATED

WITH WEIGHT GAIN.

>> SALT CAN CAUSE WATER

RETENTION, YEAH.

>> OH, YOU SEE, WE'RE JUST

HARDWORKING PEOPLE.

I DON'T -- WATER RETENTION TAKES

A LOT OF TIME.

>> MM-HMM.

LOGAN, YOU CAN'T WORK ALL THE

TIME.

DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES, A

GIRLFRIEND MAYBE?

>> UM, I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,

AND IT'S A SUPER-SECRET

FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIP THAT

WOULD GO A LONG WAY TOWARDS

SOLVING THE MYSTERY OF HOW WE

STAY SO FIT.

AND IT WOULD DESTROY MY PARENTS

IF THEY FOUND OUT.

>> UH...

>> OH, THEY'RE DEAF.

[ AIR HORN BLOWS ]

THEY READ LIPS.

OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET...

PADDLE BOATS.

>> PADDLE BOATS.

>> IT'S LIKE "ROSEBUD" AT THE

END OF "CITIZEN KANE."

YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT AT SOME

POINT.

>> OH, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE

THEN.

[ SCOFFS ]

WE ASKED NUTRITIONIST

DR. LANEY TRAMMINGS ABOUT ALL

THE STUFF WE'VE BEEN TALKING

ABOUT WITH THE FIT TOWN AND SO

FORTH AND AND HOW EVERYBODY IN

ONE TOWN COULD POSSIBLY BE SO

PHYSICALLY FIT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

WHO CARES?

THAT'S JUST I NEED -- TO BE

SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF SKINNY

BITCHES, OKAY?

I'VE HAD TWO KIDS, VAGINALLY.

NOT C-SECTION.

THIS -- THIS IS MY BODY.

I'M NOT -- I'M HAPPY WITH IT.

>> YOU KNOW, ABSOLUTELY.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO

WHY EVERYBODY STAYED SO FIT.

MAYBE LOGAN RUBY DID.

I TAGGED ALONG WITH HIM AS HE

DELIVERED PIZZAS TO BRIDGEBERG,

THE TOWN ACROSS THE BRIDGE FROM

RIVERTON, THE ONE THAT'S FULL OF

FAT PEOPLE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> HEY. HOW ARE YOU?

HERE YOU GO.

AND YOUR DIPPING SAUCE.

THANK YOU.

>> HI, LOGAN.

>> GET OVER HERE YOU FAT [BLEEP]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> BYE, BABY.

>> IMAGINE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

BIKE OVER HERE 14 TIMES A DAY,

BURNING ALL of THOSE CALORIES

JUST TO FEED US, WE NEVER WOULD

HAVE MET.

BYE.

>> SUDDENLY IT WAS ALL ADDING

UP.

THE OBVIOUS ANSWER TO HOW

EVERYBODY IN RIVERTON STAYED SO

FIT.

[ Shouting ] IS IT BECAUSE

EVERYONE HERE IS DEAF, SO THEY

CAN'T HEAR COMMERCIALS FOR

FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS?

>> WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

>> SO YOU CAN READ MY LIPS

BETTER.

>> NO, WE ONLY HAVE TWO DEAFIES

IN TOWN, AND THEY BOTH GOT

DEAFED UP FROM WORKING AT THE

SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY.

EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.

THAT CAME OFF OFFENSIVE.

UM, SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER PLANT IS

WHERE THOSE DEAFIES GOT DEAF.

>> OKAY.

>> DEAFED UP.

>> WELL, I GUESS I JUST HAVE ONE

MORE QUESTION, THEN.

DOES LOGAN RUBY HAVE A

GIRLFRIEND?

MY QUESTIONS TO MAYOR GATES AND

THE RESIDENTS OF RIVERTON WERE

FALLING ON DEAF EARS.

PERHAPS I WAS ASKING THE RIGHT

QUESTIONS BUT TO THE WRONG

PEOPLE.

SO I DECIDED TO ASK A PERSON

WITH MUCH LARGER EARS,

BRIDGEBERG MAYOR

MARJORIE KALESMITH.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT A

SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY THAT

WOULD MAKE PEOPLE GO DEAF?

IS IT REAL LOUD IN THERE?

>> WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN INSIDE A

SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY, BUT

I HAVE BEEN INSIDE A SEAT BELT

THAT'S BEEN EXTENDED, AND I DID

NOT LOSE MY HEARING.

WE HERE IN BRIDGEBERG HAVE SIX

PROBLEMS -- SLEEP APNEA,

FURNITURE-BREAKAGE-RELATED

INJURIES, TYPE 2 DIABETES,

TYPE 3 DIABETES, WHICH EXISTS

ONLY HERE IN BRIDGEBERG, PAINFUL

HEART ATTACKS, AND TAKING OUR

RINGS OFF AT THE END OF THE DAY.

>> SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT

IF RUBENS WERE ALIVE TODAY, HE

COULD REPRISE HIS FAMOUS NUDES

HERE IN BRIDGEBERG AND NOT HAVE

ENOUGH PAINT.

>> [ Laughing ] OH! THAT'S A

GOOD ONE!

THAT'S -- RUBENS PAINTED FAT

LADIES!

OH, THERE IS NOTHING I LOVE MORE

THAN WORDPLAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, EXCEPT FOR DIPPING SAUCE.

>> SO THE MAYOR OF BRIDGEBERG

ALSO PROVED TO BE A "DEAF" END.

AND IT SEEMED THIS MYSTERY

WOULD NEVER BE SOLVED UNTIL A

LUCKY BREAK I GOT THIS VERY

MORNING WHEN A SUPPORT COLLAPSED

AND THE BRIDGE CONNECTING THESE

TWO TOWNS WAS CLOSED.

NOW THE PEOPLE OF BRIDGEBERG

CAN'T GET FOOD DELIVERED.

AND LOGAN RUBY HAS NO WAY TO

SEE HIS -- OH, WAIT.

HE DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

BUT THERE'S STILL ONE MYSTERY

LEFT UNSOLVED.

>> HOW WE'RE GONNA EXPLAIN OUR

FORBIDDEN ROMANCE TO TWO TOWNS

THAT NEVER INTERMINGLE?

>> HMM?

NO, NO, THAT WASN'T IT AT ALL,

BUT, YEAH, LET'S DO THAT ONE.

>> WE'LL DELIVER GOODS BACK AND

FORTH ON PADDLE BOATS, WHICH

WILL ENGENDER GOOD WILL ON BOTH

SIDES IN BOTH TOWNS.

OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE

CELEBRATED.

WE'LL BE HEROES.

>> I DON'T -- I THOUGHT WE WERE

DOING DEAF STUFF.

OKAY.

ROSEBUD WAS THE PADDLE BOAT,

JUST LIKE IN "CITIZEN KANE."

BUT ONE THING STILL DIDN'T ADD

UP.

HARD WORK...

>> MM-HMM.

>> ...REALLY STRONG...

>> MM.

>> ...NO WORDPLAY...

>> MM-HMM.

>> ...FAT [BLEEP]

JUST NORMAL FOLK.

>> YEP!

>> OKAY, WHAT'S THE SIXTH ONE,

THEN?

>> OH, UH, FOOD DELIVERIES.

>> I DON'T GET IT.

>> UH, WE DELIVER FOOD, AND

THOSE FAT [BLEEP] GOBBLE IT UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT DIDN'T

OCCUR TO ME BEFORE.

THAT'S THE SIXTH ONE.

THAT SHOULD ALMOST BE THE FIRST

ONE.

>> LaFonda: AND NOW SKIP REMING

IS HERE WITH THE KIND OF WISDOM

YOU CAN'T GET ANYWHERE ELSE...

EXCEPT FOR REALLY OLD-SCHOOL

BARBER SHOPS AND VFWs.

>> PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME

TWO THINGS.

"HEY, MISTER, DID YOU JUST CRAP

IN MY KOI POND?"

AND "HOW DO YOU STAY IN SUCH

GOOD SHAPE?"

IN BOTH CASES, THE ANSWER IS

IT'S ALL PART OF MY WORKOUT.

I'VE BEEN DOING THE SAME REGIMEN

EVERY MORNING FOR 47 YEARS.

IT'S WHY I HAVE A BODY LIKE A

SACK FULL OF IRON SQUIRRELS ALL

WORKING IN PERFECT HARMONY TO

FETCH ME THE GIANT ACORN OF MY

HOPES AND DREAMS.

BUT WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONLY

ONE AT THE DUCK-PIN BOWLING

ALLEY WITH A PHYSIQUE LIKE A

GREECE MINOTAUR?

THAT'S WHY FOR THE FIRST TIME

I'M SHARING MY WORKOUT ROUTINE

WITH YOU.

MY WORKOUT STARTS WITH GRABBING

THE HEAVIEST THING I OWN AND

LIFTING IT OVER MY HEAD.

FOR ME, IT'S THIS.

[ GRUNTS ]

NOW IT'S TIME TO WORK THOSE

LUNG MUSCLES.

GRAB A HOT-WATER BOTTLE AND

BLOW IT UP LIKE A BALLOON.

YOU REMEMBER, IF YOU WANT A

CAREER AS A CIRCUS STRONG MAN,

TORSO GIRTH IS THE NAME OF THE

GAME.

NEXT, I GO INTO MY KITCHEN AND

BEND EVERY FORK AND SPOON I OWN.

WHEN IT COMES TO LEAVING YOUR

MARK ON THIS CRAZY BLUE MARBLE,

NOTHING SATISFIES LIKE

DISFIGURING METAL.

MAKES A FELLA FEEL LIKE HE'S

BEEN SOMEWHERE.

YOU DO THAT ROUTINE EVERY DAY,

I GUARANTEE BY THE TIME YOU GET

TO BE MY AGE, YOU'LL BE KNEE

DEEP IN WIDOW QUIM.

I KNOW I AM.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M

GONNA HIT THE KOI POND.

>> LaFonda: THANKS, SKIP.

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"

GUILTY PLEASURES.

WE'LL SPEAK TO ONE OF WEGMAN'S

WEIMARANERS, THE SEXY ONE.

AND DAN RATHER WILL BE HERE WITH

SOME "RATHER GOOD ADVICE."

>> WE GET LETTERS, AND IN THE

MAIL, THIS ONE.

"DEAR DAN, MY FIANCé CAN'T SEEM

TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS WITHOUT

CONSULTING HIS MOTHER.

SHE TOLD HIM WE SHOULDN'T MOVE

IN TOGETHER EVEN I KNOW THAT'S

WHAT WE BOTH WANT.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

SINCERELY, CONFUSED CHLOE IN

CHICAGO."

CHLOE I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD

PRINCESS GRACE OF MONACO BACK IN

1954 WHEN SHE ASKED ME THE SAME

QUESTION.

REMEMBER, IF YOU MARRY HIM,

YOU'RE MARRYING HIS MOTHER.

MAKE SURE YOU LIKE YOUR

MOTHER-IN-LAW, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T

FIGHT GENETICS.

>> LaFonda: AND FINALLY, BEFORE

WE GO TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD TO

OUR CAT VIEWERS.

MEOW.

>> I-I JUST WANT TO, UH, THANK

YOU GUYS.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

SOMEBODY'S BEEN HERE ALL YEAR

WITH A CAMERA NOT ASKING ME

ABOUT OUR COP SHOOTING THAT KID

IN THE PARK IN THE BACK.

>> NO, WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN

THAT STORY.

>> I TELL OUR COPS, YOU'RE GONNA

SHOOT AN UNARMED PERSON.

KEEP SOME WEAPONS OR, YOU KNOW,

A SQUIRT GUN OR SOMETHING

AROUND, YOU KNOW, JUST HANDY

JUST SO -- I'M JUST -- I'M GLAD

YOU'RE NOT ASKING ABOUT ANY OF

THAT, IS THE OTHER THING.

SO THANK YOU.