Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," WE TALK TO

INNOVATIVE COLORADO RANCHER

VICTOR CREECH, WHO CLAIMS HE'S

CREATED THE PERFECT BREED OF

COW.

>> MARK MY WORDS -- HUMAN SPERM

IS THE NEW BULL SEMEN.

HUMAN SPERM.

>> LaFonda: AND TOBACCO CRITIC

VANESSA TAYLOR WILL BE HERE WITH

A REVIEW OF MIDTOWN MENTHOL

LITE 100s.

>> EQUAL PARTS SMOOTH AND

MINTY -- I'LL TELL YOU WHY THESE

CIGARETTES ARE ONLY POPULAR WITH

AFRICAN-AMERICANS.

>> LaFonda: ALL THAT AND MORE,

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS."

TONIGHT WE TURN OUR ATTENTION TO

AN ENDANGERED SPECIES OF BIRD

YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD OF, BUT

ALMOST CERTAINLY ARE ABOUT TO,

BECAUSE THIS WHOLE STORY IS

ABOUT IT.

AMIR LARUSSA HAS A REPORT THAT

IS BOTH HAIR- AND

AWARENESS-RAISING.

>> THIS IS THE GRAY-TUFTED

WARBLER.

ITS PLAYFUL SONGS HAVE BEEN THE

SOUNDTRACK FOR GENERATIONS OF

NATURE LOVERS, BOY SCOUTS,

CURIOUS TEENAGERS, AND LOVERS OF

CURIOUS TEENAGE BOY SCOUTS.

BUT IN RECENT YEARS, ITS

POPULATION HAS DWINDLED, WITH NO

OBVIOUS EXPLANATION.

THE MYSTERY OF THE DISAPPEARING

WARBLER WAS FINALLY SOLVED WHEN

PRINCETON AVIAN BIOLOGIST

VALERIE VESSER WARBLED A

QUESTION NOBODY ELSE HAD.

>> ONE DAY, MY LAB ASSISTANT AND

I WERE 69ing -- WE'RE BOTH

CLEAN-SHAVEN -- AND I BEGAN TO

WONDER WHAT HAPPENS TO OUR

PUBIC HAIR WHEN WE REMOVE IT

FROM OUR BODIES.

WHERE DOES IT GO?

>> OH, YOU WANT --

UH, IN THE GARBAGE, DOWN THE

DRAIN.

>> RIGHT.

BUT THEN WHERE DOES IT GO?

>> TRASH. THAT'S THE SAME TH--

UH, THE DUMPSTER...

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S GONE -- SAME THING THAT

HAPPENS TO MOTOR OIL AND

HOSPITAL BILLS.

>> WELL, LATER THAT SAME YEAR, I

WAS, UM, RESEARCHING THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER PROBLEM, AND

MY ASSISTANT AND I FOUND COPIOUS

AMOUNTS OF HUMAN PUBIC HAIR IN

THEIR NESTS.

>> DO YOU HAVE PICTURES?

>> OF MY ASSISTANT? OF COURSE.

>> YEAH.

DR. VESSER FOUND THAT WHILE

HUMAN PUBIC HAIR MADE GOOD

NESTING MATERIAL, IT WAS

ACTUALLY HARMING THE BIRDS.

>> SO ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS WE

HAD TO FIGURE OUT WAS, WHY ARE

THEY USING PUBIC HAIR?

>> HMM.

SHOT IN THE DARK -- IT HAS

MAGICAL QUALITIES THAT GIVE THEM

STRENGTH.

>> THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER, UM,

HAS VERY COARSE FEATHERS, SO THE

PUBIC HAIR FEELS VERY FAMILIAR

TO THEM -- LIKE A PUBIC BLANKIE.

>> AWW.

>> YEAH.

>> GOD HAS A PLAN FOR

EVERYTHING.

YET THERE ARE PROBLEMS.

>> WELL, WHAT WE FOUND IS THAT

THE CHEMICALS THAT YOU AND I USE

ON OUR BODIES IN BATHS --- SOAPS

AND WAXES...

>> DEODORANTS.

>> ...DEODORANTS -- TRANSFERS

FROM THE HUMAN HAIR TO THE

BIRD'S FEATHERS.

AND WHEN IT GETS ON THE WINGS,

IT MAKES THEM UNABLE TO FLY AND

THEREFORE UNABLE TO ESCAPE

PREDATORS.

>> THEY'RE KILLED RIGHT AWAY.

>> RIGHT AWAY.

>> LIKE MARVIN GAYE WAS.

>> OR SAM COOKE.

>> JOHN LENNON.

>> MARILYN MONROE.

>> JFK -- NOT TECHNICALLY A

SINGER, BUT...

>> IF WE'RE GOING POLITICAL,

LINCOLN --

>> ALL THE LADY BABIES IN CHINA.

>> THE POINT IS, IS THE EFFECTS

OF PUBIC HAIR ON THE

ENVIRONMENT, LIKE THE NUMBER

OF --

>> MICHAEL JACKSON.

>> YES. THAT WAS A BIG ONE.

I REMEMBER WHEN THAT ONE

HAPPENED.

>> OH, MY GOD.

AND AS MORE AND MORE AMERICANS

HAVE BEEN REMOVING THE HAIR ON

THEIR PENISES, TESTICLES,

VAGINAS, AND IN SOME CASES,

VESTIGIAL PENISGINAS, THE

ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS MOUNT.

RESEARCHERS AT THE NATIONAL

OCEANIC AND ATMOSPHERIC

ADMINISTRATION HAVE IDENTIFIED A

MASSIVE PUBIC HAIR THE SIZE OF

RHODE ISLAND FLOATING IN THE

ATLANTIC OCEAN, 40 MILES OFF THE

COAST OF RHODE ISLAND.

SO WITH ALL OF THIS EVIDENCE,

YOU WOULD THINK PEOPLE WOULD

THINK TWICE ABOUT SHAVING THEIR

BODIES, BUT THEY STILL SEEM TO

BE THINKING ZERO ABOUT IT.

WE TALKED TO THIS WOMAN, WHO

ONLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT ONCE.

TWICE WAS UNNECESSARY.

SHE HAD IT ALL THOUGHT OUT IN

JUST THE ONE TIME.

FLAVIA ACAI HAS SEEN THE

DEVASTATION WAXING AND SHAVING

HAVE CAUSED IN HER HOME COUNTRY.

>> THE BRAZILIAN WAX TREE ONCE

COVERED MOST OF MY COUNTRY, BUT

IT HAS BEEN CLEAR-CUT.

>> TO BE HARVESTED FOR BODY WAX?

>> YES.

THESE TREES WERE ONCE HOME TO

THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER.

>> SO THE VERY TREES THEY LIVED

IN ARE THE SOURCE OF THE WAX

THAT IS REMOVING THE PUBIC HAIR

THAT IS POISONING THEM.

>> YES.

>> THAT'S VERY IRONIC.

>> MAYBE THE PUBIC-HAIR

CONTAMINATION IS ALSO KILLING

OFF IRONY, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU MEAN.

>> SO WHEN I SAY THAT YOU WOULD

THINK SOMEONE WITH YOUR

BEAUTIFUL, SMOOTH SKIN WOULD

PROBABLY BE FULLY SHAVEN...

NOTHING?

>> I SORT OF UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU

MEAN, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS MORE

LIKE A PARADOX THAN IRONY.

BUT THE POINT IS, THESE BIRDS --

THEY NEED THE TREES, AND THEY

HAVE BEEN CLEAR-CUT TO EXTRACT

THE WAX, AND ALL OF THE

VEGETATION IS GONE.

>> ALL OF THE VEGETATION IS

GONE?

>> ALL OF IT.

>> JUST LIKE ON YOUR...VAGINAS.

>> YES.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?

>> OF -- OF MY VAGINA?

>> YEAH.

>> YES. OF COURSE.

I'M BRAZILIAN.

HERE.

>> LIKE A MUCH HOTTER AL GORE,

HER DAYS ARE DEVOTED TO RAISING

ENVIRONMENTAL AWARENESS.

>> IT'S "JESUS SAVES," NOT

"JESUS SHAVES."

HERE YOU GO, BABY.

>> BUT DESPITE HOW UNBELIEVABLY

HOT SHE IS, THERE ARE SOME WHO

ACTUALLY DISAGREE WITH

FLAVIA ACAI.

CLINT SCHLIFF IS A LOBBYIST FOR

THE BODY-HAIR-REMOVAL INDUSTRY

AND RETAIL GIANT

ABERCROMBIE & FITCH.

>> GENITAL SMOOTHENING IS JUST

BEING UNFAIRLY SLANDERED HERE.

IT'S JUST GOOD HYGIENE.

>> IT'S GOOD HYGIENE?

>> IF IT'S SMOOTHER, THEN IT'S

CLEANER.

I'M SURE THAT THE PUBIC-HAIR

LOBBYISTS, THEY WANT YOU TO

BELIEVE THAT PUBIC HAIR PREVENTS

BACTERIA FROM ENTERING THE BODY

THROUGH THE GENITALS.

WELL, FRANKLY, I DON'T BUY THAT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE HAVING AN

APPENDIX ON YOUR GENITALS.

>> YEAH, I'M STILL NOT SEEING

HOW IT'S HEALTHIER.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE MUSLIMS

NOT EATING PORK.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> RIGHT? YOU'RE MUSLIM, RIGHT?

>> NO, BUT I DO SHAVE MY BALLS.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT

MUSLIM?

WHY -- WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A NAME

LIKE AMIR IF YOU'RE NOT MUSLIM?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> YOU KNOW, THE ONE THING THAT

NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IS THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER.

>> THAT'S, LIKE, PRETTY MUCH ALL

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.

COVERED IRONY A LITTLE BIT.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING A BUNCH ABOUT

PUBES, BUT WE'VE PRETTY MUCH

JUST BEEN FOCUSED ON THAT WORD.

LIKE, ALMOST NONSTOP.

>> WHATEVER.

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER IS AN AWFUL

BIRD, OKAY?

HE'S A DICK.

>> WAIT. WHAT?

>> THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER IS

THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THE BIRD

KINGDOM.

OTHER BIRDS DON'T LIKE THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER.

>> EVEN BLUE JAYS?

>> BLUE JAYS ABSOLUTELY DESPISE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLERS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?

>> NO.

>> BLUE JAYS SAY, "IF WE WERE

DRIVING CARS, GRAY-TUFTED

WARBLERS WOULD BE THE ONES

CRAPPING ON OUR WINDSHIELDS."

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

>> IF -- IF ALL THE BIRDS ARE

PEOPLE SWIMMING IN A POOL, THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER IS THE ONE

THAT DROPS A TOASTER IN.

>> IF YOU'RE DRIVING IN A CAR,

THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER IS THE

ONE THAT'S CUTTING YOU OFF WHILE

FINGERING YOUR MOTHER, AND IT'S

IN BLACKFACE.

>> YOU GET IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACKFACE.

>> 'CAUSE IT'S JUST NOT A GOOD

THING T--

>> IT WOULD BE -- IT WOULD BE IN

POOR TASTE.

>> Both: YEAH.

>> 15, 20 YEARS AGO, THAT'D BE

FUNNY STUFF, BUT NOWADAYS YOU

GOT TO REALLY BE CAREFUL WITH

THAT STUFF.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I WOULD GO WITH

A BIGGER NUMBER THAN 15 OR 20

FOR THAT.

UH, SECONDLY...

SO MANY SECONDLIES.

DID YOUR RESEARCH REVEAL

ANYTHING ABOUT HOW OTHER SPECIES

OF BIRDS INTERACT WITH THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER?

>> THE OTHER BIRDS HATE THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER.

IT IS A TERRIBLE BIRD.

IF THOSE BIRDS WERE PEOPLE

SWIMMING IN A SWIMMING POOL, THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLERS WOULD BE

THE ONE DROPPING THE TOASTER IN.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THAT GUY SAID THE EXACT SAME

THING.

>> THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER LIVES

SURROUNDED BY PUBIC HAIR.

WHO DOES THAT?

>> WITH AMERICANS SEEMINGLY

UNWILLING TO CHANGE THEIR

HABITS, FLAVIA ACAI HOPES TO

RAISE AWARENESS WITH A SERIES OF

PUBLIC-SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

FEATURING SOME OF HOLLYWOOD'S

BIGGEST STARS.

>> PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU IT'S

COOL OR FASHIONABLE OR SENSUAL

TO WAX AWAY ALL THE HAIR ON YOUR

BODY.

>> BUT WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU

IS THAT IT HURTS.

>> ESPECIALLY THE STOMACH.

>> AND IT HURTS OUR ENVIRONMENT

EVEN MORE THAN THE STOMACH.

>> WHICH IS A LOT, BECAUSE THE

STOMACH REALLY HURTS.

>> ALSO, IT CAN CAUSE INGROWN

HAIRS...THAT ALSO HURT.

>> BUT NOT AS MUCH AS THE

STOMACH.

>> All: PEOPLE STARTED

PUBE-OLUTION.

PEOPLE CAN STOP IT.

>> TO AVOID AN ENVIRONMENTAL

DISASTER, FLAVIA ACAI AND HER

FELLOW ACTIVISTS DEVOTE THEIR

TIME TO RAISING MONEY FOR THE

CAUSE AND RAZING THE FORESTS OF

HUMAN PUBIC HAIR.

OF COURSE, SAVING THE

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER WOULD NOT BE

WITHOUT COSTS.

IT IS SUCH A WRETCHED CREATURE.

>> IF THE GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER IS

MY OLDER BROTHER TOM, HE'S,

LIKE, HOLDING YOU UNDERWATER IN

THE SWIMMING POOL, AND HE BRINGS

YOU UP IN JUST ENOUGH TIME TO

GET A BREATH.

YOUR MOUTH IS OPEN, HE SPITS IN

YOUR MOUTH, THEN HE PUTS YOU

BACK UNDER.

AND THEN, WHEN YOU COME BACK UP,

HE SAYS, "DARTH VADER IS

LUKE SKYWALKER'S FATHER," AND

THEN HE STICKS YOU UNDERWATER,

AND AS YOU'RE UNDERWATER, YOU'RE

HEART HAS BEEN BROKEN BY SOMEONE

THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU LOVED AND

TRUSTED.

AND WHEN YOU COME BACK UP...

>> THAT'S THE GRAY-TUFTED

WARBLER.

>> YEAH, THAT WOULD BE A

GRAY-TUFTED WARBLER, ALL RIGHT.

I THINK I NEED A LITTLE BREAK IF

THAT'S OKAY.

>> YEAH.

>> LaFonda: AWFUL, AWFUL BIRDS.

WE'RE GLAD THEY'RE DYING OUT.

NOW SKIP REMING'S HERE.

AND YOU GUESSED IT -- HE'S NOT

HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING.

>> WORDS ARE POWERFUL THINGS.

THEY CAN START WARS, END

MARRIAGES, EVEN BEGIN FAMOUS

WORKS OF LITERATURE.

IRREGARDLESS OF YOUR RACE OR

LANGUAGE, THE WORDS YOU USE

SPEAK VOLUMES ABOUT YOU.

TAKE ME -- I JUST SAID

"IRREGARDLESS."

THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD.

LOOK IT UP IN A DICTIONARY, NOT

ON THE SPELL-CHECK ON THAT

GLORIFIED UNDERWOOD.

SO I'M A JERK.

BUT NOT NEARLY AS BIG OF A

JERK-OFF AS YOU ARE IF YOU SAY

ANY OF THESE WORDS, AND I BET

YOU SAY MOST OF THEM.

"OUTSIDE THE BOX."

"REAL GAME-CHANGER."

"NAILED IT!"

"BRAIN FART."

"LATINO VOTER."

"DRINK THE KOOL-AID."

AND IF YOU SAY "GAME-CHANGER,"

I'LL POP YOU RIGHT IN YOUR

WORD HOLE, BROTHER.

THAT WOULD CHANGE THE GAME,

WOULDN'T IT, HUH?

I SURE WOULD NAIL IT WITH THAT.

I'D REALLY DRINK THE LATINO

VOTER.

>> LaFonda: THANKS, SKIP.

NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"

WE'LL TALK TO ONE WOMAN WHO

WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT WHAT AN

EARLY RISER SHE IS.

AND WE'LL MEET THE MAN

SCIENTISTS SAY HAS COME UP WITH

THE SINGLE MOST CLEVER E-MAIL

SIGNATURE LINE POSSIBLE.

>> I EXPERIMENTED A LOT.

>> MM-HMM.

>> EVERYTHING FROM "SENT FROM

MY COMMODORE 64," TO "SENT FROM

MY E-MAIL OUTBOX."

>> MM.

>> AND THEN ONE DAY IN THE

SHOWER, IT JUST KIND OF HIT

ME -- "DON'T ASK HOW I SENT

THIS."

>> AND AN ENTIRE ADDRESS BOOK

FULL OF MILDLY AMUSED RECIPIENTS

WAS BORN.

>> GUILTY.

>> AND NOW PEOPLE ARE CALLING IT

"'THE [BLEEP] MY DAD SAYS' OF

E-MAIL SIGNATURES."

>> YEAH, I GUESS.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA SELL OUT LIKE

THAT GUY DID.

>> LaFonda: FINALLY TONIGHT, A

FEW CORRECTIONS.

LAST WEEK WE REPORTED THAT ALL

MEN NAMED CHAD MAKE REALLY

CREEPY NEIGHBORS.

WE SHOULD HAVE SAID MOST MEN

NAMED CHAD.

ALSO, FIVE MINUTES AGO, WE DID A

STORY ON THE GRAY-TUFTED

WARBLER.

TURNS OUT EVERYTHING IN THAT

STORY WAS MADE UP.

WE REGRET THE ERRORS.

I'M LOUIS LaFONDA.

GOOD NIGHT.